Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

I really cant fathom, cannot take in, just how much a person can go downhill mentally fast like rugs has. And i know ive always talked over about him on here like 90 percent of the times ive written in here and the thing was i really didn't understand schizophrenia and drug addiction and how those two things in a person can truly make it impossible to get any real friendship to flow. I know I shouldnt talk about another person' personal life but it can get too much even as an outsider that i just need to vent.

Ive given so much of me to him, my constant thoughts, emotions, time, and effort, among the simplest of things. Sure, he is a friend and can be there somewhat, but its clouded now so so severely.

You find that your kicking yourself for years with passive aggressiveness and wasting time even thinking about that person. Just because a person is in your life and you have social phobia and are lonely, doesn't mean you should keep that person in your life if they are toxic and cannot give basic friendship needs back.

So ive scaled over years now, my friendship with rugs has been quite limited, and thats how it is. How it needs to be. I still talk with him nearly everyday on messenger, even if he cannot do conversation much and im just babbling on, at least i get some social in lol.

But seriously, I just really cannot even, like its a shock how much he has declined.

What I mean by decline is this,

So he is dependent on crystal meth.
(now drugs i have never done, and is far away from who i am but i have a heart to those who fall victim to it for what ever reason or truama).

He is dependent in a quite severe way because he cant function without it now at all. Him and his tight close sister that is. They are both very unwell.

They use all of the disability pensions together in order to pay for their habits, which is about $1000 a week and expect their mum to pay for thier living expenses like their cigarettes, food, etc.

Rugs and his sister had a slight crash and crashed their car because he was driving whilst on a drug crash, meaning he was so tired and didnt giveway on a road, but was driving to go get his drugs. It was a country back road with a fwd.

So his car ends up being fixed at the wreckers and his mum fits the bill of $800. But she ends up not being able to pay it yet because she finds out that rugs and his sister had been stealing most of her savings, about $8000. The savings she uses to live on and pay for rent and bills and constantly giving those two money and paying everything for them, always going out her way for them thinking sh can make them better in the mind by doing so.

She was devasted. She only works 1 day a week and in her mid 60s.

So they both steal most of her savings, but yet still expect her to pay for thier cigarettes or even ask for money so they can go out opp shopping or what ever. And the mother still has to pay for the car bill.

So the sister is getting her superannuation out so she can give money back to the mum, shes got $6000 and reckons $3000 is good enough amount to give back to the mum even though they stole $8000.

Did i mention they borrow her car all the time too? They use alot of petrol to go into another town and get their drugs. They take drug dealers in the car and deal in there and even drive under the influence as well as driving whilst in drug crash mode half asleep. This is the mothers car.

At the same time as doing all over that, they say nasty things about thier mum because she harbors passive aggressiveness towards them. The sister goes on facebook and writes crazy things about wanting to kill herself and weird paranoia stuff on there that doesnt make sense. Shes full of delusions and psychotic states.

She was in a mental hospital start of this year. Her and Rugs the past 2 years been admitted a few times. All because of drug-induced psychosis.

Rugs seem to quell his paranoia by indulging in it on social media. He has delusions about Instagram and facebook being just what he does on a mobile phone and that its not real what he does in real life but in reality, he is sitting and taking selfies of himself all day and night obsessively in a drug-induced delusional grandeur and being passive aggressive on there thinking that people will get jealous of him and his face. He has about 60 Instagram accounts or more and alot of them have 1000 - 3000 posts in them. Then there's the Instagram posts where he takes photos of his penis and videos of himself in the shower says crude things and even uploads pornography on there. In all of them, he basically has absolutely no normal inhibitions, he just says whatever he is thinking or doing with no regard to privacy or boundaries and even mentions people in his life on occasion in his posts. He also makes videos of himself smoking meth in his bedroom and in the car. If his mum saw all these she would prob die of a heart attack, so I often will know they r on there and report them to Instagram.

Ever since 2020, Rugs got his superannuation out and spent $20,000 in under 3 months on a lot of methamphetamines for him and his sister. I was traumatized by his psychosis - I had to help in in time of complete agitation and him not knowing what was real and what wasnt. It wasnt the first time, but it completely freaks you out. It gave me panic attacks. At that time too, I was volounteering and he enetered the shop because he used to work there too, he came to see me but was in full psychosis thinking he was an fbi person or something. It was socially embarressing because people where coming up to me asking if he was alright and i had to try to get him to go home and contact his mum. At that time, I didnt even know he was back on drugs, but he was in a big way. I had to tell everyone at work then, that the stress of his dads anniversary of his death made him become pyschotic. But then later on when he was better, he went in and told everyone he was sober now from the drugs. Which then made me feel self concious around the workers thinking they think im on drugs or something. He doesnt realise that he will never be allowed to work there again. Theres been so many times of truama for me when hes been in psychosis that many times. And how ive had to deal with it. Lucky its never been at me or directly with me, always been about other things and ive been the one to calm him and him trust me. But its been really really upsetting over the years to deal with that whilst unwell yourself. I wish he knew that. But he cant even much at all anymore.

Ever since then, he wear all black. Black jeans and shirt and sunglasses. He thinks he has to look a threat so people wont mess with him. His hygiene, wearing those same jeans for months straight in freeball and with all his smoking on them. You can imagine. He even saved some money somehow sometime ago and instead of paying me back for a concert we went to, he went out and got a tattoo of the night stalker on his arm - which is a serial killer bloke that raped kids and murdered alot of people.

He seems to of pretty much damaged his brain from all the meth drug intake, plus damage from psychosis over the years and also the effect of the heavy amount of anti-psychotic he has via depo.

All of his executive functions seem to of really declined. Yet he has to take his meth in order to function now as his own dopamine production has gone out the door. Hes either super high mood of happiness and ego or hes completely physically trashed and sleeping for days and nights. Or hes so anxious an moody craving getting his drug.

He actually talked to his GP which i encouraged him to do. I told him his gp could give him aderal to ward off the meth and he took that as a motivation, even tho i was lying. But his gp came back and said that a little bit of meth is okay. Like even after he said he cant function without it anymore.

I just know that when he is high and all happy and what ever, thats when he is able to talk somehat and we can laugh a bit and interact a little usually on messenger. And i know that he can fall seriously ill in a physical way at any time because of his lifestyle.

He hardly eats anything and when he does, its a great big packet of potato chips and chocolate and lollies. So he must be malnutritioned.

Well, thats got all that out then in a big vent about rugs once more. Now i dont have to think about it.

 

[grapevine]

So it's nearly the end of March 2023.

Back in Feb (or maybe it was January?) my dad's came driving up our block of land (I live with my folks) and his new car he only had for about 6 months (a Suzuki Ignis) just burst into flames. My mum and I had to run 100 metres back and forth with buckets of water to try to put it out.
That car was the newest car my dad ever bought in his life and the dearest. Hes not one to have a car loan and things like that, he does it the old way- pay upfront. And he was able to do that $15,000. It was a secondhand car but new. And then, the engine just burst into flames, luckily when he was home and not in traffic!

So my dad being him, had no insurance, had a warranty that was just a month out- so it didnt count. And basically left with a heap of burnt car on our property and no car to drive in.

So that has meant for me:

I not only have to drive my mum around like usual (she cant drive), but also ive had to drive my dad around too.
My life now, has basically been driving those two around - dependent on me if ever they need to go out.
Which has left me utterly exhausted and more depressed and anxious.

This year I really wanted to concentrate on getting well with my social phobia and anxiety. I wanted to try to put myself first and slow down, recover with anxiety and then start to find my independence again by going out- finding a place to go socialize, etc.
But now, its just way too stressful for me to do that, because Im driving everyday taking mum and dad places and forgetting about myself.
Dad's got bowling and mums got her medical appointments and shopping and social life and Im the one going back and forth, plus I take my little dog with me, he always has to go out for a walk to do his job.

Its just endless. Imagine you get in your car to go somewhere and the next thing your parents are in there with you and everytime you go out, you have to include them and where ever they want to go.

Only a year ago when my car stopped working, i went an entire year without a car. I basically hardly went anywhere at all. If i did it was that i had to borrow dads car back then in order to take mum shopping and i thats when i would do my groceries. I had to save for the year because of my bad social phobia Im on a disability pension and so it took me that long to save up, an entire year and it did a bit of damage regarding my mental wellness but I did it and without a loan and got my lovely Suzuki Swift.

Now though, all my mileage is on taking my parents. Its never ending.
And its stressful because my dad is never one to plan or say anything, Ill plan where im taking mum with mum the night before and we will get into the car and the next minute my dads getting into the car and I have to deviate from our plans an take him and do his stuff which is usually way out of the way and im in between mum and dad's appointments and so on.

I dont blame my parents, its just bad circumstances and theres nothing like feeling sorry for them. Its a horrible feeling to have. Weve had a bit of bad luck. Its just that it takes its toll on me. And then my sister, and the rest of my family who liv in the city, seem to think i do nothing and get things done for me, which has never been the case. My mum has always been dependent on me- Ive always had to include her life into mine even when ive been independent. Shes deaf and has always relied on me but its not seen. But anyways.

Ive ended up with really bad anxiety when Im driving now and even when Im just walking in a carpark. I feel hyper-vigilent all the time and just dizzy and blurred. Im very jumpy and think people are going to drive into me all the time or something is going to happen an accident or something and just cant seem to rest and calm myself.

My dad a few times has made me drive to the hardware store and gone and bought large pieces of wood without asking and just loaded my nice car with it inside - making it hard to drive. Like he does things like that which are so unfair on me. All because the bowling club wanted him to make something even tho they know he doesnt have a car atm.

I feel like i basically have to give up, my independence, any social life, my car, my time.
I do a little bit of re-selling and everyday trying to go through my huge piles of unprocessed stock and I can never get to it because im always doing them and then im exausted and recovering from anxiety which leaves me utterly exausted and shallow breathing.

Id be okay if my dad could plan and if I could see a way out of this, but there is none.

Basically my dad put a huge amount of money into shares with a promising Lithium mine that is in a trading hault which seems like forever because of corruption and so are in and out of court cases over that and so dad cant get any of his money- its all locked in there.

Which means it might be a year or even more of me doing this. Driving him as well as mum. Its like a full time taxi. It just comes at a time when ive been so unwell with depression and anxiety and from years having to deal with my friend Rugs the schizophrenic drug addict whom today asked me desperately for money and I said no and he made me feel like a horrible person. It was just really nasty and Im faint hearted type that gets stuck being in codependencies and usually the person going out of my way and feeling for the other. But there was no way I was going to give him money knowing he cant pay it back and there had been a times in the past where it took years and years if he even did. So no.
But ive been left feeling like im this bad person and it hasnt been nice. Esp since im also so very lonely and really only have him as a friend that can sometimes be helpful to confide in out of my parents stuff.

But now im on my own again. But thats okay. I need a break. Its very very hard being a friend of someone who is a schizophrenic that doesnt help himself and is a drug addict.

So thats my life atm. I basically find the parts of my life that im not doing other people's things and try to build from there. To get my reselling sorted into a routine and to try to get my health in order and try to find some calm in the storm and look forward to getting my life back when I can.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on her in some time. Been really ill mental health wise. Anxiety gotten way out of control and depression. Dads car litterally went up in flames (he got out) and since then ive been the one driving my parents around (i usually drive my deaf mum) and its been exhausting and depressing.
Ive been giving up any of my time to take them everywhere from medical appointments to social things and i havent had any room for any of my own life and ive just been a wreck.
But now my dad has decided out of nowhere that he wants to sell our 5 acres of land we live on since the late 90s where all my pet chickens are and all the trees we planted are huge now, and is determined to move us out in 2 months because he wants to invest in silver bullion again. Hes all of a sudden without having any discussion has decided he likes this urban house that has no real backyard or garden that he wants us to move there. Its like out of all places, its like a really cruel thing for me and its like he doesnt even care. I do so much for them and dads just gone and decided this? Wants us to uproot all of a sudden?
The amount of servere anxiety attacks and terror ive had these past few days has been horrific. I cannot and havent been able to cope with dad pulling the rug from under us. I think hes on the spectrum because he just doesnt seem to care or be aware of others feelings on things- like he actually thought i would like that place when there is nothing there that is for me?

I am absolutely heartbroken and feeling suicidal with anxiety and depression at this point. My only option because its hard to speak to him is to write a list of my requirements in finding a place an also write what its like to have a anxiety disorder and how bad it can get. Had to have an emergency therapy session with a counselor which was $ and she told me not to go with the thoughts and imagery.

 

[lily]

So sorry to hear of your difficulties and that you're feeling anxiety and suicidal! I really hope you feel better soon. I think you're on the right track of what you said in the end that you will do. Take care!

 

[grapevine]

Been very mentally ill. Been so distressed and upset trying to work through every day and its a challenge.
I cry everyday and night, sometimes I cant stop at all and its days until I can function. I tell my mum and she doesnt want to know, theres no emotional support within my family.

Everything is a trigger, and it hurts so much. And yet people may think its so silly to be so depressed over my situation but its extremely hard and heartbreaking for me. Everything around me is not home, a whole lifestyle is changed abruptly without my control.

A whole part of me feels like its been lit a match and burnt away. Sounds dramatic but it has been for me. Its so painful. I thought I knew distress, Id been through things, but I never knew severe ongoing distress until now.

Every goal I have had to get on my feet involved where I lived. So I have to go thru all these triggers and live with a feeling of hating my environment, not feeling comfortable and feeling completely detached to what was important to me. Having to live in other people's environments and away from nature and open spaces, fresh air, my birds, fresh paddocks.

Last year was soooooooooo hard.

2023 - it started off in January and I decided to make smoothie bowls and was getting into health again and getting on with my side hustle on ebay.

Then dad drives up the long driveway half way and his new car uninsured is on fire and mum and i had to run with buckets of water to get it out. In the middle of summer here in Australia.

Then after that- it was not just driving mum everywhere, but my dad too. I got severely depressed and burnt out by the time it got to May. Everytime my parents wanted to go somewhere - I was the one drving them and picking them up. Dad and his bowling and mum and her stuff. I had little time here and there to do my ebay and depression anxiety setting in stopped my energy levels. I felt hopeless. Living to take my parents out and there seemed like no way dad was going to get another car as he put all his money in shares instead that had issues.

Then get to June and my dad says he wants us to look for a new place to live as soon as possible because he wants to sell home so that he can invest a huge amount into shares in order to try and get my sister a house. He wanted us to just pick any house he didnt care about our lifestyle and everything in between being so short-sighted.

He got emotionally abusive to me and I ended up being so distraught and upset, suicidal and in so much ongoing stress having to get rid of alot of my animals, half my stuff, take all my stuff off ebay and let my dad drive my car everywhere.

To go from our 5 acres which ive been on for 26 years since i was 14. The place was my sanctuary and backbone to my healing all the time. It was everything to me. Being with nature. Just to be around the paddocks the veiw, feeding the wlld birds, it was everything and Id had agoraphobia and social phobia there for that long. I was attached to it. Every time id go out to anywhere and have anxiety, I would have home to conteract that. It was my place to fully relax in the fresh air away from people and in a beautiful place. To sell it was absolutely crazy.

All of a sudden my dad was giving up family values from being there. Everything. Ive always had trouble being in suburbia, being in around a town, Ive needed that escape like a romance of home. My sanctuary to always come back to and it would always be there for me to recouperate and have a base of freedom and romance of nature to my personality.

To abruptly be forced to move from there and now live with a cemented backyard away from all the lifestyle that was me is very hard and to not have your parents even care how sick you are yet still having to drive them everywhere and give up your car for them. Having to just give dad my car that i saved up a year for thinking it would give me my independence- instead it just did the opposite.

I used to walk alot- i loved it walking for exercise and walking home from the town too- just going out the suburbs and country roads to home out in the country. Now when I walk outside-, its suburbia and I dont feel comfortable. Its roads everywhere and lots of cars and altho its a seaside tourist area and lots of nice gardens, its not rural farmland with lots of gumtrees and fresh air and the environment Im used to. I makes me break down because that was my thing I was inlove with. I looked to that for my spirit and sense of self.

Everything is a trigger and I have nightmares every night. I just want to be able to have money to go back there or a new place similar which is bordering on delusional financially.

But its not just the greif of abruptly having to give up so much in a short amount of time, its also the severe amount of stress i endured within june-November.
Being forced to give up my pets, work everyday be seen busy to not get yelled at- packing and getting rid of stuff,having to go to unsuitable house inspections- which was rediculous. The severeity of what dad put us through was horrific- and so idiotic. He wanted up to have 3 months to move out of home and sell and buy a new house within that time and all because he thought there was going to be a shares boost he wanted to invest in.

At one stage I printed out a thing on mental health saying that doing this was going to land me in ptsd and severe depression. But it was ignored. There was no emotional softness about anything - everything was ruthlessly done that I will never ever be able to trust my parents ever again.

Ever since June last year, Ive never been able to socialise with them anymore- I never sit in the lounge and watch tv with them I just cant and its really upsetting for me because of their age in their early to mid 70s. But I just cant trust them and feel trapped if I do. They took everything away from me, even my little independence I had.

The way it all happened. There was some emotional abuse involved. It was just crazy, you dont sell your home abruptly like that and except to get a decent house in the middle of winter within 2-3 months when there was nothing on the market. To sell that paradise regardless of age was ridiculous. Now they are worse off but with shares as assests and in a lousy old 70s house with crude concrete backyard. I hate it here so much but ive had to learn to adapt but its all taken a huge huge blow to everything for me.

I still cant just go out when I want in my own car because my parents use my car too because dad cant afford to get a car even tho home that was sold for nearly $1000000 and he just puts $200,000 into shares and not even takes a bit out to get himself a little car. It really impacts on me, if I want to go out, Ive got to contend with my parents schedules and random outtings and its just so unfair because its my car- i worked hard to get and it was part of my idenity- my independence freedom- and i pay for it all and its just used up by my dad going to bowls or going to the hardware store and filing it with wood scratching the windows that sort of thing. Every aspect of my life atm has been taken over by them and their lives and squashed mine. I got no power and my health is bad and ive put on alot of weight due to truama and stress and being bed bound almost.
I feel like im living a nightmare where everything has gone wrong and I am a nobody with noone to really see whats going on, all my power has been squashed and continues to be squashed and Ive only got myself for support to try and get out of this painful time.

I cant even listen to my music I usually listen to because I idenitfied it to home and the paddocks open environment. So many things I cant do they either trigger me to get so distressed and upset or there isnt anything here I can do those things. I do not feel at home, I feel very hurt and very very upset constantly. I feel so greived and lost. The routienes I had being outside and feeding the wild birds there, getting up early taking photos of the sunrise etc, the things that sparked me out of my depression even for a second- those things I deeply cherished and were more important than what they seemed - its all gone. Im just in my new room without those things and I think about them and it hurts.