Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[Miserum]

ththatWell my life has felt like one big co-dependence of people, people dependent on me more than i on them and me struggling to get any form of independence. Like its always been with my mum. Shes got 30 percent hearing and was born like that. Ive had to be her saviour in many ways, she doesnt drive and for her to go out means i gotta put in the effort whilst my dad decides to go off and do his own thing and make lawn balls and being mr fixit to his friends a priority or pokies. It all falls on me. And then theres rugs who cant really do things for himself, he looks to me to have a life because he is unable to get his own. Not a day goes by where he isnt contacting me, or coming over constantly, he means well and cares but he is unable to actually have any drive or thought to do things himself other than sit and try to work out the internet social networks that he cant socially understand because of his schizophrenia and its disheartening to see what he puts on and how its a paranoia and delusional thinking style that he has with the internet. The other thing is he is too dominant over my life and talks about his life with me in the future not able to realise hes just jumping on my life so he has one himself. I even said something like that to him, he didnt like it - but i tried to tell him that in the least negative way, least offensive way, but it was the truth, but he cant see it - theres no insight into his stuff. He has no agenda, no anything really in his life except to go with me to do my things.

But the worst is my sister, her husband and kids. 6 and 8. They come here, my sister is rude and dominant and basically when they come i have no life at all. I cant do anything because the kids rule the place and my sister and her dramas and her husband. I cant stand it and its a marathon of energy i dont have.


In a few days im driving into town with my mum to go see the ballet. Its in the city and it will be a long day. Origninally my dad was gonna drive us but his priority is always lawnbowls. Because adrenal fatigue i have, its been a battle to get anything done and depressing - its like dragging yourself on the ground all haggard - trying to keep up with things. Its worse cause anxiety and stress so ive found i have to minamilise things. Take it slow and do things with thought in mind ill have to rest after. So this day will be a big day because with anxiety disorder your body goes tense without knowing and your mind races and your breathing is shallow all day. So by the time i get home in my bed and wind down, my body is like so stiff and sore and i cant hardly move. I take magnesium internally to help and the oil. But the adrenalin it takes ages to wind down and to calm my body and then days to recover physically. Im basically unfit too. And over weight/obese now. But yeah, its trying to move your body and its all stiff from that. It really takes days to recover from things. And i know if i can just get on top of this with juicing and looking after myself and having routines and walking and eventually working out. That i can help it start to have less and less impact on me, But i cant because there is always people stopping me from looking after myself.

My mother yesterday, she agreed to my sister to take the kids off her hands this week - from the day after the ballet we go to for the next 4 days. These are kids that are ultra hyperactive and need attention all the time. You cant go to the toliet without them following you and screaming banging down the door. Everything of your own life gets swept away and in waiting till they leave. Ive endured that the last 3-4 days of the school holidays already and also my sister's dramas and how she is so rude and her arguments of swearing and yelling really loud at her husband in front of us all and being picky with my mum on food shes made - my mum having to be like a servant and cooking the same things over and over.
My sister and her husband listen to their iphones really loud without headphones even when we are watching a film with the kids or tv and when my mum has a hard time as it is to hear - its unexcusable (spelling lol) to have such loud talkback on your phone like that in front of everyone - its noise pollution and ultra rude - esp as a guest. I really wanted to say something, or walk up and give headphones with a face but i didnt because all this drama my sister and her husband went through the day before and it was like a domestic and the husband doesnt look well cause he lost his job.

Anyways my point is that my mum just agrees that ill be there to help babysit, without asking me. This kind of thing happens alot where mum just doesnt ask - like that ill drive to pick her up from the city - that i dont have anything on. Anyways my point again is that we are going to the ballet and thats a whole day of driving and anxiety and back and forth. Its stress because my body just tenses up. I know im going to be so exausted by the end of it all. And i assumed id need at least 2 days recovery but now those 2 days are going to be with the kids here and the first time that my sister wont be here with us. My mum is old and hard of hearing and nearly gave my neice almond milk forgetting shes allergic to nuts. My sister tells me that i have to watch mum whilst shes with the kids. I never got a say in any of this. Its just not fair - i am always this person others depend on without asking and it sux when you have adrenal fatigue and no energy most days to do things and when you do do your things its recovery from it you have to put in account. NOw tho im going to have to be on marathon energy when ill be so zapped and stiff. Im so anxious about it and so angry as its not fair and all i am trying to do is get on my feet and its always other people in my way of doing that.

Sounds rough. Whenever I am super fatigued (I don't have an adrenal disorder), I try to remember that I've been in exhausting situations many times before, and that this time won't kill me. Seems to help me.

 

[grapevine]

Thanx Miserum. Really helped. I do make things into mountains.

I havent been on here, but i used be on here all the time and it really did help. Ive faded in having my own time really and so find it an indulgedence more now. But really it needs toch means more out be a daily thing because it really does help and used to be my lifeline, to write in this journal or any other type of journal i have. I like it on here because its like a narrative of myself and an open book like im letting it out with potentiual for others to see, which means its more a release. Which means more of it out and worked out in my mind and less stuck on the anxiety trail really.

Im cooked up in my room this morning, its rude that i am. My young niece and nephew are staying for 3 days and this is the first day of that period. Its also the first time they have stayed unatended without thier mum (my sister). And my nanna (my mum) is doing most the work. Im staying in bed and its almost 10:30. I just need my time. With the kids over, and it was just a thing that had to happened tho i was never asked. Means that i cant really do anything of my own except if im rude, for the next 3 days and nights. These kids are very energetic and very needy and the fact that we cant take them anywhere is gonna make them restless. We dont have the car seats and i drive a tiny bug car lol.

Anyways becaus this diary is about me lol. I am always feeling like my life belongs to others. That i have to sweep all my own goals and everything else under the rug and be something for other people even when i havent been asked. My mum is partly deaf (born that way), she cant drive and cant understand many things - ive been her interpreter since i was a kid really and driver in my adult years. My dad hardly helps in those things - he basically goes off and plays lawn bowls or goes to the pokie machines. Which leaves me responsible if mum needs or wants to go out. Because we live quite a bit away from the town, its not walking distance for a 72 year old lol. Im happy to take her places and she complains because she never really has life outside home. But dad really needs to pick up those pieces because most of the time it means im the one unable to go and do my thing most of the time because im going back and forth driving and trying to do my thing whilst also having rugs - the partner with schizophrenia that i am more wanting as a friend than partner who is completely dependent on me for a life because he has issues being independent and having a life himself. So inbetween those two and also my fatigue, i find it quite hard to get my footing. I get exausted in just doing basic things, whether its my things or taking mum or even socialising when i want to do my own things. I am just so desperate to get my independence back and my health back but i get depressed and frustrated because other people's things have to go before that no matter how much i put my foot down. Rugs has to see me everyday and night and even gets jittery if he doesnt. I tell him its unhealthy but he doesnt really take that in. Anyways. The next 3 days is like torture because i cant have my own life back until then. I have to do other people stuff when all i want to do is my own. And i dont really get a choice. Its always make other people feel bad and do my own thing or compromise my own thing. Im one of those people that cant really start or do something when someone else is waiting for me and things like that because i cannot relax. I feel like a teenager desperate to be independent, to live my own life, but i got it good here and i cant leave people in the lurch. Just counting down the hours til sunday evening/night and then i have free space amongst the usual dependencies. And if i can then get out of rugs and mum stuff , then i can actually go plant my plants in my garden ive been waiting to do and look for the lost library dvd and also work on my diet and health.. those things i cannot do right now. The only refuge is me making out im asleep in my room and its almost 11. I feel totally rude and like im saying to my niece and nephew that i dont want to spend time with them. But the thing is i get overwhelmed and i didnt feel up to it at all, i get fatigue and dont get my space much with them, they are at my side the minute i get up and even going to the toliet or having my lunch is something that will be hard because they tend to invade my personal space and not let me relax and do those things really, so the stress of not having a moment to myself when im not in my room - but when im in my room i feel guilty. Over the period of knowing they were coming, i got anxiety pretty bad and it escalated. To the point of feeling like i was nothing because i cant have my own plans or anything. It was decided without asking me, just like my mum said about a month ago i over hear her telling my aunty that when she get old shes not going to a nursing home but that im going to look after her, and the point is this has not been discussed with me at all and the conviction in her voice. Its just not fair. Ive lived my adult life through my 20s and bits of 30s quite ill. In my 20s i had agoraphobia, abuse, sexual abuse, truama, and social phobia so bad i had no social life at all except for a year in 10. Now im approaching 37 and i cant believe im that age, at least i look younger than that lol. But its the age your suppose to settle and make life choices. ITs when your fertility clock goes and you start to go grey. Im tired of others putting thier lifes onto mine like i dont have my own. Back in 2015/16 when i first started this journal, i had a time where i was really above those things. Where indendent was number one on my agenda and my health was the best it had been. I try to get back to that. Its quite hard but i believe i can get back to it. It means ive got to push people away in order to work on myself and my health and carving out my own life apart from my mum and rugs. And i can do that, it just takes energy and being ultra assertive and not carrying other's dependencies so much. Now i have to go play aunty for 3 days and nights .. and forget about myself till Monday (its Friday)....

 

[grapevine]

Thanx Miserum. Really helped. I do make things into mountains.

I havent been on here, but i used be on here all the time and it really did help. Ive faded in having my own time really and so find it an indulgedence more now. But really it needs toch means more out be a daily thing because it really does help and used to be my lifeline, to write in this journal or any other type of journal i have. I like it on here because its like a narrative of myself and an open book like im letting it out with potentiual for others to see, which means its more a release. Which means more of it out and worked out in my mind and less stuck on the anxiety trail really.

Im cooked up in my room this morning, its rude that i am. My young niece and nephew are staying for 3 days and this is the first day of that period. Its also the first time they have stayed unatended without thier mum (my sister). And my nanna (my mum) is doing most the work. Im staying in bed and its almost 10:30. I just need my time. With the kids over, and it was just a thing that had to happened tho i was never asked. Means that i cant really do anything of my own except if im rude, for the next 3 days and nights. These kids are very energetic and very needy and the fact that we cant take them anywhere is gonna make them restless. We dont have the car seats and i drive a tiny bug car lol.

Anyways becaus this diary is about me lol. I am always feeling like my life belongs to others. That i have to sweep all my own goals and everything else under the rug and be something for other people even when i havent been asked. My mum is partly deaf (born that way), she cant drive and cant understand many things - ive been her interpreter since i was a kid really and driver in my adult years. My dad hardly helps in those things - he basically goes off and plays lawn bowls or goes to the pokie machines. Which leaves me responsible if mum needs or wants to go out. Because we live quite a bit away from the town, its not walking distance for a 72 year old lol. Im happy to take her places and she complains because she never really has life outside home. But dad really needs to pick up those pieces because most of the time it means im the one unable to go and do my thing most of the time because im going back and forth driving and trying to do my thing whilst also having rugs - the partner with schizophrenia that i am more wanting as a friend than partner who is completely dependent on me for a life because he has issues being independent and having a life himself. So inbetween those two and also my fatigue, i find it quite hard to get my footing. I get exausted in just doing basic things, whether its my things or taking mum or even socialising when i want to do my own things. I am just so desperate to get my independence back and my health back but i get depressed and frustrated because other people's things have to go before that no matter how much i put my foot down. Rugs has to see me everyday and night and even gets jittery if he doesnt. I tell him its unhealthy but he doesnt really take that in. Anyways. The next 3 days is like torture because i cant have my own life back until then. I have to do other people stuff when all i want to do is my own. And i dont really get a choice. Its always make other people feel bad and do my own thing or compromise my own thing. Im one of those people that cant really start or do something when someone else is waiting for me and things like that because i cannot relax. I feel like a teenager desperate to be independent, to live my own life, but i got it good here and i cant leave people in the lurch. Just counting down the hours til sunday evening/night and then i have free space amongst the usual dependencies. And if i can then get out of rugs and mum stuff , then i can actually go plant my plants in my garden ive been waiting to do and look for the lost library dvd and also work on my diet and health.. those things i cannot do right now. The only refuge is me making out im asleep in my room and its almost 11. I feel totally rude and like im saying to my niece and nephew that i dont want to spend time with them. But the thing is i get overwhelmed and i didnt feel up to it at all, i get fatigue and dont get my space much with them, they are at my side the minute i get up and even going to the toliet or having my lunch is something that will be hard because they tend to invade my personal space and not let me relax and do those things really, so the stress of not having a moment to myself when im not in my room - but when im in my room i feel guilty. Over the period of knowing they were coming, i got anxiety pretty bad and it escalated. To the point of feeling like i was nothing because i cant have my own plans or anything. It was decided without asking me, just like my mum said about a month ago i over hear her telling my aunty that when she get old shes not going to a nursing home but that im going to look after her, and the point is this has not been discussed with me at all and the conviction in her voice. Its just not fair. Ive lived my adult life through my 20s and bits of 30s quite ill. In my 20s i had agoraphobia, abuse, sexual abuse, truama, and social phobia so bad i had no social life at all except for a year in 10. Now im approaching 37 and i cant believe im that age, at least i look younger than that lol. But its the age your suppose to settle and make life choices. ITs when your fertility clock goes and you start to go grey. Im tired of others putting thier lifes onto mine like i dont have my own. Back in 2015/16 when i first started this journal, i had a time where i was really above those things. Where indendent was number one on my agenda and my health was the best it had been. I try to get back to that. Its quite hard but i believe i can get back to it. It means ive got to push people away in order to work on myself and my health and carving out my own life apart from my mum and rugs. And i can do that, it just takes energy and being ultra assertive and not carrying other's dependencies so much. Now i have to go play aunty for 3 days and nights .. and forget about myself till Monday (its Friday)....

This baby sitting is torture for an anxious person cause the kids are so bossy and energetic and in your face. Cant eat without them in your personal space, or go toliet without them banging on the door. There is no way to have space except deal with the concequences of having a breather in my room for 5 mins at a time. These kids just cant calm and go independent. Rugs kept saying all week that he would help out in any way he could, I tell him to come over round 1 and to let me know when, he doesnt contact me and turns up at 12;30, falls asleep in the house and then tells me his friend from in town (who normally takes ages to get to his - im talking in the nighttime round 3am when hell say hell be over 5 teatime and rugs always has to wait- has finally once in his life decided to come early and so rugs decides to hang out with him instead- i dont really care but its always the same you cannot rely on him. Anyways i just hate how many times i try to state my boundaries round rugs that i need my space and got my own things to do and that he just has to come over to visit everyday and then the moment it could be easy on me if he were here and he has something else to do. He comes over when im busy or sick and need my time and then when i wouldnt mind company- hes gone.
Im just stressed cause these kids are a little too much for me, because mum cant hear and dad kids angry and it all falls reluctantly all on me . Apart from the making food bit which mum does. Anyways - nearly friday gone, got friday afternoon and night to go, then saturday- and saturday and saturday evening and night and then Sunday and thry go sunday evening... thank god. I just hope this isnt a thing all the time now. Because its not fair on me really. I never had the choice. And its not really fair on mum and dad - not for that long period cause they old. I got a life. Its hard for my family to work that out. I jsut feel so stressed - hours before the kids were jumping around and in my face i couldnt have my lunch i couldnt get up to get a drink they were right up in my face and not letting me have any privacy or personal space what so ever and i have to let them know but it really sux like why dont they know this? When i was that age (6-8) i knew it was not nice to be in someones personal space all the time esp when they are eating and going in the kitchen. These kids play and scream and talk to you whilst your trying to do something and concentrate. For instance mum bought a volleyball net and handed it to me to put up. With my anxiety and the kids running around me in circles and yelling and playing and asking questions and distracting me- i couldnt put two and two together - my two cents goes out the window. Rugs at least was there to help but hes hopeless too. Thats when i nearly had an anxiety attack, because i just need to leave the scene but im not allowed to, i cant. And when my breathing gets labored and i feel like im jumping off a cliff it really sux. I hate how mental illness things are not able to be sen by family members like that- mine dont take into account these things and that i just cant cope when its like that. Its not the kids fault but im sensitive to it all.

 

[Miserum]

Write your heart out. I've certainly done my fair share...

 

[grapevine]

The thing with GAD and SP within my family is that I cant run away from things when i need to. So now that my sister has children age 6 and 8, and they stay over our place ( i live on 7 acres with my mum and dad ) it means my stress goes way way way up so high that i can't deal with it except let it out in an anxiety attack somewhere in private and then be exhausted throughout the whole time. It doesnt help that these kids are full on, Jonathan whos 6 is a naughty boy and likes to be the centre of attention all the time, the entire time and bullies people for it. And Alicia, she is very very needy also and a can be bully like but since she turned 8 has tended to accept that she cant be in everyones face all the time. But when they are over its just so much energy i dont have. So much social energy, they run rings around you, wont let you go to the toliet or have a rest in your room, won't let you go to the kitchen without constantly being behind your back and jumping about with hands in your face and talking and wanting you to play with them something new every half hour. Even sitting eating food and they'll get a chair each and sit right next to me and scream and pop off lol and put their hands round your food and beg you to play something with them now, even tho your eating. And Alicia always leans on you, she has to sit on your lap or lean on you and shes 8. I feel like a witch that doesnt like kids, but i do like kids but its very stressfull house when they are here and without even having a say, i have to drop all my things and go help look after them and constantly play with them whilst my sister gets to be in control of her life. It doesnt happen that often, but i know that every school holidays is going to be a marathon for me.

What i hate is the spotlight i feel that is on me to carry all this load when i feel unfit to do so. Its been 3 days since they left since looking after them majority of the last forthnight in holidays and im only just coming down from the prolonged stress and anxiety from it. And it sux because it can be embarrassing like im weak wiled and selfish because im so sensitive. But its full on anxiety the entire time, full on stress because i have to look out for my mum too who is half deaf (she is able to do things herself tho, but i have to interpret most of the time and drive her places). It all becomes too much ontop of my own normal anxiety from day to day that i mostly control. But its the feeling like my home is not a place to relax when they are here and that i just cant go out and do my thing, that i have to go and do other people's things and be stressed out and live thier way till they go back home and its extended and painfully long. I know i sound terribly disrespectful to the kids, but wht im meaning to get out is that my family dont understand and dont want to know about how much i actually cant cope when they are here. That i cant do what is required of me to do even tho i have no say in that. I want them to know that im not just being selfish and going to my room when im tired or stressed that its far more than that. With GAD it builds up in you the anxiety and stress and stays in you till you have an anxiety attack and cant breath and then you are completely exausted. It also means my body ends up so stiff and can become bed bound later in the week and so exausted. Ive got adrenal fatigue from years ago over doing myself and surging thru stress and anxiety and it led me to always being exausted and burnt out that i couldnt do things anymore that i used to. Ive learnt that daily i have to take things slowly and avoid stress to be able to function. Im much better than i used to be now and not bed bound anymore but its so hard when i feel like im selfish for having to go to my room and try to descale stress and anxiety when the kids are here when they are trying to knock my door down and dont like it and my mum gets annoyed with me because she over does it with the kids so badly energy wise she cant really do it. But noone asks me if i can help, its that i have to and thats that. There coming over and thats that and then all this energy has to go into them and my sister and any plans or anything im doing gets thrown out.

The last few days ive been so emotional and unsually so. Its been like a PMS adventure only i dont have that at the moment. And i know its just all the stress over the past fortnight releasing itself. My body has felt so heavy and drained and my emotions has left me feeling depressed and having crying fits the last 3 days.

I have no control over my sister and her kids coming over and their fierce dominance over everything in my life when they do, including my health. And i tried talking to my mum about why i have to go in my room every now and then and basically was trying to explain to her how much a toll it takes on my health, explain to her the stress and anxiety can be too much for me to cope as to let her know i cant really be a fall back so much and thats why i have to go relax in my room- not that i can relax. Im trying to not have an attack when i do go in my room. But my mum just interupts and asks me why im telling her this and that she already knows that ive told her i just have to go to my room and that she doesnt want to know. And that made me upset when she said that. But anyways, just being put in that situation really makes me depressed and highlighted and put in a situation where i know i cant cope but have to do it and at the same time not really see how i cant cope, only see that im thinking about myself and my health like its a selfish thing to do.

 

[Miserum]

The thing with GAD and SP within my family is that I cant run away from things when i need to. So now that my sister has children age 6 and 8, and they stay over our place ( i live on 7 acres with my mum and dad ) it means my stress goes way way way up so high that i can't deal with it except let it out in an anxiety attack somewhere in private and then be exhausted throughout the whole time. It doesnt help that these kids are full on, Jonathan whos 6 is a naughty boy and likes to be the centre of attention all the time, the entire time and bullies people for it. And Alicia, she is very very needy also and a can be bully like but since she turned 8 has tended to accept that she cant be in everyones face all the time. But when they are over its just so much energy i dont have. So much social energy, they run rings around you, wont let you go to the toliet or have a rest in your room, won't let you go to the kitchen without constantly being behind your back and jumping about with hands in your face and talking and wanting you to play with them something new every half hour. Even sitting eating food and they'll get a chair each and sit right next to me and scream and pop off lol and put their hands round your food and beg you to play something with them now, even tho your eating. And Alicia always leans on you, she has to sit on your lap or lean on you and shes 8. I feel like a witch that doesnt like kids, but i do like kids but its very stressfull house when they are here and without even having a say, i have to drop all my things and go help look after them and constantly play with them whilst my sister gets to be in control of her life. It doesnt happen that often, but i know that every school holidays is going to be a marathon for me.

What i hate is the spotlight i feel that is on me to carry all this load when i feel unfit to do so. Its been 3 days since they left since looking after them majority of the last forthnight in holidays and im only just coming down from the prolonged stress and anxiety from it. And it sux because it can be embarrassing like im weak wiled and selfish because im so sensitive. But its full on anxiety the entire time, full on stress because i have to look out for my mum too who is half deaf (she is able to do things herself tho, but i have to interpret most of the time and drive her places). It all becomes too much ontop of my own normal anxiety from day to day that i mostly control. But its the feeling like my home is not a place to relax when they are here and that i just cant go out and do my thing, that i have to go and do other people's things and be stressed out and live thier way till they go back home and its extended and painfully long. I know i sound terribly disrespectful to the kids, but wht im meaning to get out is that my family dont understand and dont want to know about how much i actually cant cope when they are here. That i cant do what is required of me to do even tho i have no say in that. I want them to know that im not just being selfish and going to my room when im tired or stressed that its far more than that. With GAD it builds up in you the anxiety and stress and stays in you till you have an anxiety attack and cant breath and then you are completely exausted. It also means my body ends up so stiff and can become bed bound later in the week and so exausted. Ive got adrenal fatigue from years ago over doing myself and surging thru stress and anxiety and it led me to always being exausted and burnt out that i couldnt do things anymore that i used to. Ive learnt that daily i have to take things slowly and avoid stress to be able to function. Im much better than i used to be now and not bed bound anymore but its so hard when i feel like im selfish for having to go to my room and try to descale stress and anxiety when the kids are here when they are trying to knock my door down and dont like it and my mum gets annoyed with me because she over does it with the kids so badly energy wise she cant really do it. But noone asks me if i can help, its that i have to and thats that. There coming over and thats that and then all this energy has to go into them and my sister and any plans or anything im doing gets thrown out.

The last few days ive been so emotional and unsually so. Its been like a PMS adventure only i dont have that at the moment. And i know its just all the stress over the past fortnight releasing itself. My body has felt so heavy and drained and my emotions has left me feeling depressed and having crying fits the last 3 days.

I have no control over my sister and her kids coming over and their fierce dominance over everything in my life when they do, including my health. And i tried talking to my mum about why i have to go in my room every now and then and basically was trying to explain to her how much a toll it takes on my health, explain to her the stress and anxiety can be too much for me to cope as to let her know i cant really be a fall back so much and thats why i have to go relax in my room- not that i can relax. Im trying to not have an attack when i do go in my room. But my mum just interupts and asks me why im telling her this and that she already knows that ive told her i just have to go to my room and that she doesnt want to know. And that made me upset when she said that. But anyways, just being put in that situation really makes me depressed and highlighted and put in a situation where i know i cant cope but have to do it and at the same time not really see how i cant cope, only see that im thinking about myself and my health like its a selfish thing to do.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? It's nice to offload all your problems on an expert who deals with these things every day.

Do you have an option to move out?

 

[grapevine]

Have you considered seeing a therapist? It's nice to offload all your problems on an expert who deals with these things every day.

Do you have an option to move out?

I can move out, but i dont really want to and dont really need to i suppose. Living on 5acres of beautiful scenery and my chickens and garden, its been a dream - but with that comes a little lack of independence - which clearly sets off when my sister comes down and her kids and they rule everyone and everything.

I see a therapist reguarly and have done for about 12 years - the same one lol. She does help. Shes not a CBT therapist or anything, more just a talking session. Ive had cbt years ago and do know the drills and aware of my faulty thinking styles. But with anxiety i find it easy to indulge in the physical stuff and let it go by doing so. Rather than holding that part in. But even with cbt and talking things out in other therapy- its hard when you have pressures on you when you are not well. And the thing with mental illness is that its not really easy to understand for others around you, because everyone gets emotions like anxiety from time to time and even often. But when you have an anxiety disorder, little things add up and they turn on your body regardless of your techniques in the mind. And esp if your out of practice with overcoming certain social anxieties. They just become huge threats to your body - well in my case they do. All the stiffness and having flu like symptoms and being in bed the next day - that sort of thing. Having an anxiety attack for me can come on fast and leave me like ive ran a marathon. And you need total rest time to calm yourself and pick back up. When you dont, it compounds and gets worse - you get more and more sensitive and more and more stiff in the body and breathing labored, you cant think etc. I wish my mum could understand this or want to - just so it doesnt seem im selfish when my neice and nephew come over - who are big demanding handfuls i cant fully take cause of this.

Particualy since burn out. I think most people as they get older in life if they have an anxiety disorder, really need to be aware of burnout. Because that is what happened to me. A continuous load of endless stress physical and mental over years with no resolution - meant my body over used cortisol so much that i couldnt rely on it anymore properly. Which meant the usual anxieties and stresses became too muc to deal with without the adrenaline and I would feel like a person being dragged on the road- with no energy and body feeling like an 80 year old. Ive had to bed rest these last 2 years in order to find deep rest and recovery with not much stress cause the stress would sent me right back. I put n so much weight in doing so, but im starting to feel better now. I am more than ever aware of how much stress and anxiety I can put on my body now. Everyone is different.

I will say the reason i had a burnout in the first place was rugs. Just dealing with a person whos your partner who has schizophrenia and all the things that go with that, it really really took a blow to me. And it still does. I thought hed be over me by now and wed just be friends and all that. But now he is even more into me and he has been so much better and actually grown up and out of his way he was with me anyways. Back then he had no money really and i was basically the one giving to him - not money but in the sense of going out and anything like that, i had to deal with his weird behaviours and thoughts and everything. I had to deal with lack of boundaries and the hardship of trying to get him to understand whats not appropriate behaviour online and what is and that i had no luck in that area as it came accross as me being dictator or something.

At least he has a disability persion now at last and can pay for himself. But his sister has the same pension and i dont know how they do it, but are left with no savings within less than the week they get their income. He ends up giving money to his sister as she is an opp shopaholic and relys on 2 things to make her happy - addiction to niccotiene sprays ( she has 1 for a day and a half when 1 is supposed to last like 3 weeks ). I was present a month ago when i saw one of her weird outbursts that frightened me a bit. Rugs had just been approved his pension and to celebrate the next morning went to buy his sister some magazines and chocolate - something he wasnt able to do for years because he had no money. He went up to her in the morning and gave her them and she said that she couldnt go out to town (she doesnt drive) with her mum because they had to clean rug's room for rental inspection- which was weird because his room was clean. But what she did was after she said that, she started yelling and swearing out of the blue and going crazy. I had been in the toilet and just got out to was my hands and had the unforunate passing of her going into the toilet as i went out and she looked directly at me in stone cold rude face and swearing and it was awkward. As i went back to rugs room, she was punching walls and throwing things and swearing really loud and screaming swearing and this continued for about 20 minutes. Id never seen anything like it and i just wanted to get out of there. Rugs was used it. Dare i say shes really ill. She told me she doesnt take anti-pyschotics anymore- only when she feels like it. Like what?! Shes mad. And with the severe niccotiene addiction - that causes angry outbursts when you dont get any. They are $29 for 2 i think.

 

[grapevine]

argh dont even know where i was going in the post above.

I feel in the midst of depression and compulsion to binge eat constantly. ive put on so much weight thru stress and binging over the past fewyears and im trying to work out how i used to not do this. Its not nice being fat at a time when you used to be thin and finally got ahead of the addiction like it left and you could eat what you wanted and be fine. Now its im fat again and i hate every minute of it. Literally. I keep having major anxiety attacks over xmas day i feel so uncomfortable in myself to go to. An example, yesterday where i just couldnt function at all. I had to not do anything till i was over the crying and not being able to breath and every time i thought i got it all out so to speak it kept coming again in waves and it was so so horrible inside like my heart was breaking it was a full on attack that lasted most the day. I am so lost , i have no energy to do basic things most of the time. And 2 major social events that i wish had happened when i was slim and mentally healthy - of people i hadnt seen and now im like this again and not well - it really sux esp when its so hard being behind anyways in things and now like this- i complete mental and physical burnout over 2-3 years and im like a washed up roadkill fighting for any inch of energy to try and get up in my life again and unable to. I just feel like i need to rest and get my cortisol down completely and orgamise my life again. And these social events i hate so much right now - i really just dont or really cant go to them like this. I just dont have the mental energy. Rugs has been a lifeline for me in many ways . Hes been quite well lately and helping out. But im just so worn out and so sad and hurting and having compulsions to binge eat. It just sux.

 

[grapevine]

Its really come to the point where im missing out on things because of rugs and my sp. He came over tonight to see me and was talking in the persona of severe arrogant and delusional of his abilities and iq and all that - his schizophrenia way too much for me to deal with. He has no care in these times how it affects my own anxiety disorder and considering ive been in burn out for the last 2-3 years and in adrenal fatigue - it makes me feel like ive been kicked in the guts with stress overload that i cant function.

In a co-dependence with a person that forgets his words and personas the next day. His schizophrenia is just way too much for me to bare and ive felt like the stress and depression just from that alone has made me unable to concentrate and have brain fog and just not really be able to function.

There's no equality in a relationship with a schizophrenic. And ive tried ending this so many times but my compassion and codependence of fear of being alone again has reined for years and because of that ive gotten fat and very ill - something i thought i was over. And it makes me resentful because i once and for all got over all my stuff and began living my life and then he came and i let him stuff it all up over the course of many years and now here i am right back where i used to be many many years ago and it really sux. Esp being social and people seeing me like like a shell of myslef again but im all worn out from having to deal with his schizophrenia on a daily and nightly basis for years whilst also trying to maintain my own mental health with much failure.

I feel like my brain has been eating away from all the stress. Its like its smack in my face all of the time that i cant get a change to slow down and destress and reflect and relax and build myself up again. I plan on making better choices next year, putting myself completely first and not being in the middle of a rock and a hard place.

 

[grapevine]

So i hope that everyone on here had something that made them smile this xmas.

Its the 29th today, only a short time till the end of this year and start of 2020 - the year of vision as my dad says lol.

This year, the highlight for me was in the winter time and going with rugs to see Aladdin at the cinema. I hadnt really remembered the cartoon but i bought the new songs off itunes and had listened in the car from the new soundtrack. When it came to actually watching the film and the songs came on and all the colourful parade with Will Smith - i got goosebumps. And my fav was seeing 'Speechless' with Naomi Scott , which since had been my fav song. About women standing up and speaking out. I thought that movie was so cool and well done. A highlight of my year. I also liked going to see Judy last month on my own and i was choked up the whole film - and then over the rainbow comes on and i was crying so bad haha.
The joker was a really good performance too- tho not my type of film - its def up for an oscar - it was amazing.

I guess i take movies at the moment as my pockets of happiness. Id been so sick the last few years. Im so tired of it. At the moment im in a pretty bad state - not anymore in the terms of 'sick-sick' but more mentally depressed and physically in a bad state. Ive been watching the disney plus and apple tv plus and indulging in those things - the Malodorian was so cool and morning wars and im gonna cry in lady and the tramp lol.

So i need to write again - im in pms again. I turned 38 this year. My prospects for things id traditionally like in the near future are pretty low. And its getting me pretty depressed. I went to christmas day party which was a big family one we havent had in a very long time. It had cousins of my cousins which my sister and my other cousins used to hate because they grew up privileged to the point it was cringey. And i dont just mean middle income privileged - i mean those kids were brought up with their parents being their cheerleaders and lifting fingers for them, being fully involved in everything they did and everything they wanted and over the top huggy family. Yeah it sounds nice , but as a kid with a mum whos deaf and a dad with mild avoidance personality, we had money but it wasnt like these guys. Every xmas wed go there as a kid to y cousins place and the other cousins of the cousins would be there first before us and unwrapping things like playstations and so on and showing us home videos of the cousins together on interstate holidays. That sort of thing. Not to mention the irritating posh type of mentality they had. My other cousin who was actually poor and her family - they hated it even more than me and my sister.

So anyways this xmas had these cousins of cousins there and of course they had everything going for them and their parents so proud. God it was such a bubble you had to walk into at xmas. Put on a facade to mirror those around you rather than actually be your true self no matter how bad things are in your life, if that makes sense. My cousin's partner is very posh - and i knew this was what it was going to be. You get there and they show you they have bought this house from their parents - a huge old house in the suburbs and bought a big puppy. Also bought a big car, and talk about last years trip around the world. At no point anything is asked of me because its seen as a taboo sort of thing - an uncomfortable thing that they wouldnt want to endure and wouldnt want to upset me. And i get it. Very much.

But the whole day was sickening to me. I wasnt really present. I was inside myself trying to survive the day and holding onto what shreds of my identity and self esteem i have recently have left. Even when your so sick like that, and in an environment where everthing is in your face that makes you feel inferior and jealous and frustrated and hurt, there is something good that can come out of it. Its like you have to be there to feel that to realise what you want in your life - to feel it means you can go away and have alot of oomph of motivation behind you.

This whole year for me has been quite painful. I get so angry with rugs. I dont want to be in this co-dependency anymore but the only reason i am is because of his mental health. Im basically at this point now, a part of his self esteem and all he has and it really sux.

It sux because there are 2 sides to the feelings i have for him. One side is this person thats always there for me - if his schizophrenia isnt bad and all the 4 years of basically seeing him everyday and talking everynight (which he started).

And then there is the other side. The dysfunctional mentally ill man that i come to realise over and over again is completely crazy in the mind. That no amount of understanding and asking him to question his weird statements about people and about himself is not going to fix him and is going to make me even sicker and have pain in my brain even more literally.

I have to endure this intenal pain of this guy thinking hes up to par with bing my partner when he cant even intiate things in his own life. That whole frontal lobe of his where decisions are made and things like that is completely damaged or eaten away. I have to be like a mother - well i have been.

4 years of dysfunction. And ive ended up now in a nightmare of myself. Ive gone too far away from my best self, from any slither of me really. Ive been in a state of stress that whole time and its put me in bed and given me adrenal fatigue, its made me binge eat everything in sight (vegan tho of course) and get to obesity and have severe brain fog and numbness. It made me have to face a xmas at my lowest.

In my pms im so angry about this. Im so angry that rugs thinks that its okay to be my partner and not be able to provide and able to be crazy on facebook even tho i tell him ive had anxiety attacks and distress over it. Just look up Russell Naughton on facebook and youll see what i mean. Imagine being a partner to that. to overshadow and dominate everything you are. Having to deal with him talk like a drunk about people this and that all the time and be severly arrogant.
Im angry because im 38. Because if i wanted to actually have a child and a husband and actually act on that - well its def not him. But his mind is set on me. Im angry because hes not able to realise or foresee anything. He doesnt think that it would be a bad thing to have a kid with him - lol are you kidding that would be a bad nightmare. Not only would i get genetics with schizophrenia cause it runs in his family - i would also get no income from him and it would be all me. How nice does that sound.


You know leading up to xmas. Two days before i asked him what he was doing today and his response was just going to go for a drive. I asked him if hed done any xmas shopping - you just asking and he wasnt even aware of the date and when xmas was in terms of how many days till , and even so he still wouldnt go and do any shopping. He wasnt into it this year was his words. Then on xmas eve he goes with his mum and gets me some chocolate and a few food things for xmas which was really nice. But xmas day and he opens presents from me what i do every year - i always go out for everyone - i enjoy it. I gave him lots of tolietries and a metalica tshirt and lots of lollites and hamper of things to make his own special popcorn and other things. I gave things to his sister and mum too. Since the father gone i know its not the best day for them.

But what i got uncomfortable about is after boxing day his sister wants to do shopping and they go to all these opp shops - something she does all the time for her fix. She spends all her money on opp shopping (thrift stores) and its crazy, cause it mostly all junk she later donates back and things she doesnt need. Anyways rugs took his sister the whole day opp shopping to various shops - she shopping for herself and him getting stuff for xmas for me despite it being after xmas now.

He makes a big deal about it and tries to get me excited about it. That i mean alot to him so hes got to get stuff for me now. See what i mean about the change and turn around from days before. I literally cant be bothered. Anyways he comes bearing gifts for me and mum. And its embarressing.

 

[grapevine]

I quiver everytime he gets me these gifts. It can really hurt actually because you realise how far down the rabbit hole he is in his mind. And how much time your giving this person and your future.
I told him i wasnt feeling well and id unwrap them later. He hands me this brown wrapped paper - this small thing and asks me to unwrap it. So i do and of all things its some second hand old key to a wardrobe or something - bsically its just a key. And hes like ' do you like it'. I have to lie. Like what shop do you go and pay for an old key? lol

When he left, all the gifts he gave me were old yucky books that are irrelevant today. Books ive evn had from him before. All second hand - ones that a scond hand book shop would throw out. Along with some crappy cheap mcdonalds toys that were wrapped up - what i actually do throw out at work. And a little soft toy of pikachu - he thinks i like pokemon because i put heaps of pokemon stuff on his facebook page when he slept for 2 days straight. As a way of irritating him of how he goes on how good his page is and he hates pokemon. I even told him that.

I even messaged him before xmas and told him i hated second hand gifts but of course he only reads the very last message of anything i send - actually he usually doesnt even read anything i write he just rings up instead. Even if it was something important.

I was this close in my pms the other day to telling him what i felt about his presents and so on. lol. If you get him being open all the time and arrogant all the time and acting like a little kid if something he doesnt like. And yet i have to be fake to avoid hurting his feelings all the time.

You know the night i opened his stuff i was so angry i was just hurt and sick of being with this nutter basically. Like who gives things like that as presents ? I just didnt mention the presents and went to bed. And the next day he was annoyed cause i didnt say anything. There is a history of him being like that to me - in many forms and so many times so i was allowed. But to hear him yesterday say in the heat of whateer he was going on about that he spent the whole day thinking about me as he went to all these opp shops and got me gifts.

eh. What gets me is his sister is there. Is she just as impared as him? She gave me for my bday a gift bag with this huge big dirty second hand dream catcher made out of shells. It was so dirty and its like where the hell am i going to put that?

Anyways i just really feel like saying to rugs and his sister im not really intot he second hand scene.

 

[grapevine]

So glad all the 'social' stuff of the silly season and early year stuff has finally finished. I can relax. But rugs stuff - the toxic banter of dominance and craziness literally feels like a hammer on my brain.
Ive pretty much treated myself so badly putting up with his mental illness. I mean im not a doctor, im not his mum and im not someone that goes and gives and receives stress in return.
But its been that way.

God i cant stand him now. But the fear of being alone after being alone for 15 years and dealing with the things that came with that. Its hard to deal with. But it seems a better option to just be in the middle right now. I got no real fire of any kind left in me and from what ive been reading online my symptoms are that of a psychiatric nurse burn out, or 'carer's burnout'.

The ups and downs of his moods and crazy personas and all sorts of things. It literally hurts your brain, esp when your down and stressed from constantly dealing with it for a long time that its left you burnt. But to have it still coming is another whole thing that leaves you feeling so much more drained like you cant really function and end up just with severe brain fog and depression and 0 energy.
Its really like a vampire, take my blood and leave me to anemia.

Then there are the fires in my country. I am lucky to not be in those but Kangaroo Island near me has had to evacuate some of the island using the army as today is over 40 degrees C again. The fire heartbreakingly took out half the population of Chlamidya free koalas and important breeding sites that were made and monitored for the red tailed black cockatoo. My favourite bird.

The last 2 days my town was filled with smoke that we couldnt even really see the sea and weve never had that before. We arent on fire and away from those interstate fires. Tho parts of hills in Dec had many houses destroyed. that was on a day of 48 degrees C. It was like a fan forced oven to be outside and anyone with animals outside that cannot come in. Like my chickens - it takes preparation to keep them okay on days like that and the local wildlife. Its like that now.

Birds can just fall out the sky from what ive heard from people around me on these catastrophic heat days. They just die. in my city we had 1000s of fruit bats just drop dead in trees on the extreme heat days.

Its very upsetting. The worst of all is the wildlife in the fire. Scenes of koalas and other animals. Breaks your heart. But makes you fuel determination to help the wildlife around you. I made a shelter for the magpies on my property the other day as when it does go to 48 degrees again at least they can have some shelter from those north winds with water and food.

 

[grapevine]

Going back to rugs. Hes been off his medication for 6 weeks now. Changed his mind to go to the doctor so many times and then his dr goes on xmas holidays and rugs doesnt like the duty nurses giving him the jab of medicine roughly. But he is unable to fore see any of this.

Anyways hes been crazy more than usual and its been like a hit on my head each time.
When your in a relationship or friendship or what ever with a person that acts delusional and dominant and defensive but wrapped up in normal or okay at the sametime and thinks absolutely nothing of me having to put up with it all. The complete arrogance and so on. He doesnt even know what he is talking about. And all this energy and huff and puff and then its changed the next day to a different persona.

For instance, the other morning i got up after a sleep in and was about to get my breakfast and do a bit of jigsaw puzzle when i saw rugs had come over and was walking up to my door. So i took him into my room because he was all grumpy and going on about his mum this and that. So i activelly listened to him.
Despite me putting sanctions on him as we had discussed- that if he were to come over he must ask me by text beforehand because it had meant over time i would put things aside and not do them because i never knew when he would come over and there have been quite a few times where he would just walk in my room early in the morning and id still be asleep and wake me up. At the same time i can never get him on his phone to ask if he might be coming over or whatever. And it really would suck because i never ring his home phone but he always would ring mine (which is a deaf phone for my mum that is hell loud) and id be in the middle of something and have to drop things because the phone rang. Even tho he promosied me only in extreme need to contact me call the home phone because my mum answers and she cant hear and if he is always ringing that home phone it gets embarressing. He had promised not to do that and then you know weeks or months later ill be sitting with my ipod ringing him on messenger trying to get in contact with him and nothing and so wait with my ipod and then he rings the homephone and he says he rang the homephone because it was easy to just press the button. Those sort of boundary issues i deal with , with him.

So anyway, the other day he just comes over without letting me know again -despite an agreement that he would let me know if he were to come over first and ask. I mean that day i just got up from bed and it was the morning. That morning i thought i had the whole morning to relax and try to rid myself of all the stress in me that was hurting my body and making me feel old.
Instead he comes over all razzed up and we go to my room where he starts saying that hes staying here (myplace) all day and not going back home till tonight.
He went on and on about his mum. That he had had enought with her. (he lives with his mum and mentally ill sister). apparrently rugs told his mum he wasnt going to volunteer at this place he worked anymore (which was only 2 days a week) and instead was going to go back to the job agency and look for part time work (he has a disability pension like me, so its easier to work if you want it). And his mum who has been coping with mourning the fathers death for sometime now and dealing living with 2 very mentally ill kids has develeped more of her cynical and depressive nature and said back to rugs that hes going to be at home all the time now instead. And rugs took that ferociously and had enough and came over to mine. Just this childish one tracked mind unable to see anothers point of view and understanding.

This meant that i had to sit there for an hour or 2 listening to him say impulsive horrible things about his mother and then even texts those things to her. A mother that is dealing with pretty bad depression. And me, dealing with emotional and physical burnout. For me to even say stuff to him and believe me - i do. It takes alot of effort. Firstly he cuts me off and hell talk for 40 mins or more before i can even say anything. Its not even a conversation. he has issues with them. Its either talk at me or cant talk at all. It just comes with his brains territory.
But with my own experience and im guessing most other people that dont have what he has with his schizophrenia is that something like your mum not being encouraging to your exciting plans and actually being the opposite is going to be hurtful but something that you wouldnt be completely horrible to your mum for in extreme like that. Ive been there with my mum. And shes like that with everything ill talk about, like a second nature and im mature enough to be annoyed and yet have that spark some motivation in me to say lets surprise her then.. because thats what i have done in the past before. But with rugs, he basically nearly puts his mum in the ground. He literally calls out her cynicism and depressive attitude without even considering his own mentally on her, and without any compassion for her. For when your really depressed and stuff like thatyou cant take all that.
Anyways i had to endure that and it made me feel like my time had been raped. I had to be extreme to get a word in and before i could even get a sentence in his extreme arrogance persona he has been rolling with comes out to tell me im like his mum and so on and doesnt want to hear it, so within my vseverly drained self i have to fight my mind. Not all of my mind. That gets delayed and held in and then so angry later on.
Im just so drained from his 'stuff' he has no idea the round abouts of extreme he goes on all the time.

I hope he gets his medication in today.

I have so much anger and everything else in me towards him. This morning he sent me a message to tell me he had some good news. So later i rang him to know what that was. His aunty had an offer on her house which means if it sells would be divded to his mum and so on. But his aunty that lives there is completely nutters like him and his sister. And he spent the phonecall litterally in one breath going on about how theres no way his aunty is going to live in this town and with them or near them and how she stole nannas pension etc.. i start to say one sentence barely saying even a word and i get talked down. He was basically talking at me negatively about his aunty to me on the phone without letting me talk. Catfishing or whatever thats called idk. But you know if i bother which i did cause it makes me angry i tell him he doesnt know what im about to say as he wont let me speak. In any case my brain fog has been bad lately. I dont have anything in me to fight half the time with arrognat crazy him and when i do its a half effort because of that.

He doesnt and is unable to realise his negativy onto me and his immature wierd stuff.His frontal lobe and other parts of his brain are cooked so there you go, its not worth it.

Out of all of this, i have come to the conclusion that i just cannot give myself away anymore and am enhancing my boundaries more with him. Alot more. Ive decided to keep my own positive things to myself. Like a castle or treasure box kinda thing. something he cant get to. Because ive had no boundaries and its made me feel helpless. When ive been down and when he cant talk, all blurt out all my problems to him and hell help in listening and then his advice - which is stay away from and is hard to do but he has no cognitive healthy thoughts 99 percent of the time.

Im not going to do that anymore so that i eventually carve out this person i used to be in my own identity and values and quiet achievements away from him. Im the one to show him how i want this to be. Just an occassional friend, and thats what its going to be despite his own labels.

 

[F0AM]

Despite me putting sanctions on him as we had discussed- that if he were to come over he must ask me by text beforehand because it had meant over time i would put things aside and not do them because i never knew when he would come over and there have been quite a few times where he would just walk in my room early in the morning and id still be asleep and wake me up. At the same time i can never get him on his phone to ask if he might be coming over or whatever. And it really would suck because i never ring his home phone but he always would ring mine (which is a deaf phone for my mum that is hell loud) and id be in the middle of something and have to drop things because the phone rang. Even tho he promosied me only in extreme need to contact me call the home phone because my mum answers and she cant hear and if he is always ringing that home phone it gets embarressing. He had promised not to do that and then you know weeks or months later ill be sitting with my ipod ringing him on messenger trying to get in contact with him and nothing and so wait with my ipod and then he rings the homephone and he says he rang the homephone because it was easy to just press the button. Those sort of boundary issues i deal with , with him.

Hello Grape

I remember talking to you about how some people abuse of our trust. (In my opinion) The next time Rugs does that, you should just dismiss him, if he asks why then you should remember him your agreement. You may feel guilty for doing that but he must understand that you're not his baby sitter, you have your own life, your own chores and your own problems. You cannot be there/do whenever/whatever he damn pleases.
Besides, he's not there when you need him so you owe him nothing AND you told him that he can go over without texting beforhand if the situation requires it (which most of the time it doesn't).

It's been more than a year and he keeps doint whatever he wants, you must put a stop to this behaviour of his because it will consume you eventually.

A friend of mine and i acorded to spend time together from X time to X time. At first it all went well till one day asked me if we could hang out at a latter time, which i said "no problem" (of course it's normal to have exceptions since we're humans and may encounter situations we cannot forsee). But eventually, seeing that i always agreed to "extend" that acorded time, he kept doing it over and over till that exception became a regularity. Till one day i said "no" even tho i could (and i wanted because i enjoy my time with him) because i knew he would keep doing that, he was abusing my trust. He asked my why and i told him the truth, that i simply didn't want to because we already accorded X hours. He got angry at me but it's what this kind of ppl do, not seeing their errors (or not wanting to) and getting angry when they see they can no longer do whatever they want...they have rules now.

As we say here in Spain: "Those who get angry have two tasks, 1 getting angry, 2 stop being angry". It's their problem.

You ain't doing nothing wrong, you have the right to live your own live, waking up whenever you want and doing your stuff without being interrupted everytime that person just feels like it.

You know, sometimes we spend too much time caring for other or doing X things (sometimes even against our will) in order to not hurt them. During that process we usually forget about ourselves. You cannot let that happen. You are his friend, and you'll be there whenever he needs it, not when he just feels like it. In his mind he does that because he "can" even tho he shouldn't.

And i know he's dealing with some problemas (clinical ones), but again, venting aswell as resting on a friend's shoulder is good and sometimes even needed, but never the treatment or the end of it. It's a help while being treated by a professional. Cannot be his punching ball when he's off his meds.

Sorry for the long post, Grape, i hope things get better for both of you

And i know it easier said than done, i too fail a lot of times at putting my own well being before other's

 

[grapevine]

So today happened.

I organised to go with rugs for just a walk around this nice wetland we go every now and then. I dropped mum off down the beach so she went her own walk and intended to meet her in an hour at a shopping centre.

Rugs mentioned this new friend of his. I ask about him. See i tell him about things in my life and he has this whole other life i dont even know about. So i politely and non evasively ask. He starts telling me about drug stuff and how this new friend is involved nn drug gangs etc.

So i just kinda sit there stirred up.

So in my world he is not my partner. I struggle with things because of my avoidance personality and ive come to terms with that. I havent been over his place for 5 months or more. I talk with my therapist and i make an effort to istance myself because id gotten so sick dealing with his schizophrenia and all the things that had come with that on my shoulders. At the same time ive been understanding and caring.

But slowly my patience has worn thin. I give less and less respect to him because of so many things its complicated.

So back to today.

I park my car and we get out to start going for a walk. The talking gets a bit heated. I get so annoyed because he is my partner in his world and i dont deny it. ( i know i know). and at the same time he is argueing that he doenst tell me about his drug friends and all the things going on because in my small world i cant fathom these exciting things going on in our small town..
his words. He talks like that.

I start to get so annoyed and just tell him that as a partner - you think id have the right to be angry that ur hanging out with drug people and that u have a potential to get psychotic and yet take drugs. And i say how dare you go and take drugs and hang out with these people at the same time as being with me as its not fair on me because i have no idea.

Anyways i basically said what any woman would.

He couldnt take it. Said he wanted me to drive him back to mine where his car was. He didnt want to go or a walk anymore. We had only just got that and started going for a walk.

So i said to him. Im going for a walk still. And walked the walk intended. Theres no way i was going to let him destroy the walk lol. Id been in his sulks before and its all been on me 1000s of times and this time ive been learning to be assertive and the dynamics of that arent in the works for him.

Because what happened nest totally shows the type of person he is.
And totally shows what i have to deal with with him. i thought he would just wait in my car till i came back. That he would be over it. Or that hed go for a walk his own way.

But when i got back 25 mins later he wasnt in my car and he wasnt anywhere.

I looked for him everywhere. Me and my anxiety looked for him everywhere. I walked everywhere looking for him. I started fretting. There was no note, nothing.

And time going by that i had to pick up my mother.

I wait and wait and wait.

I was so anxious and frustrated and so angry and dissapointed in him.

So i go pick up mum and tell her sort of what happened.

We go drive back to the wetlands looking for him.

Decide to go home. Because he left his car at mine, if it were gone, he was home.

It was gone.

Im home and i go on his instagram and there are his selfies hes been taking - loads of them with just silly nonsense underneath that hed been taking since id been looking for him.

Obv he rang his mum to pick him up.

Did not care one bit or think about one bit that id be looking for him everywhere.

And thats the kind of person he is. Like a child.

 

[grapevine]

Things have gotten alot better since Dec and january period. For the first time i can recall we actually had a very mild Feb. Usually its extreme with heat waves over 43 degrees C. And its stressfull
But this year, after all those fires, all of sudden this wet and cool weather came. Its so weird to have green paddocks when usually theres no green anywhere this time of the year.

So whats happening. With me.

Well im obese lol. But funny ive been able to buy clothes and dress okay despite that. My adrenal fatgue from severe stress over years with rugs has started to heal a bit. Esp after i made a curfew with him. No visits after 5. Because i was so tired of him coming over when ever. He would make a time and then come an hour or so later and i couldnt even contact him have the time. So my time would always be his time. And i hated it , it gave me anxiety from apprehension and wondering whether to make my tea or not and id usually delay it knowing my anxiety would hinder any enjoyment and saiety anyways.
And he always has to come over everyday. Pretty much.

Ive been trying really hard to keep my distance emotionally and physically. Its a thing i have to do. But its not so simple , but ive been doing that.
But its meant that he feels lost. See in his schizophrenic condition, he has many emotional routes he takes - its not like a normal person.
So he gave up online social media once again. It all emcompasses his literal delusions of grandeur and anger and paranoia. All those things makes him act crazy literally on some emotional character he picks from films -where he makes out to be cynical and uncaring and wanting to hurt people and unable to get out of his mind on those things. Everything and i mean everything in his mind will be all about his online stuff and how he has the power to control people with his social media pages. He will think he has the gold standard in those pages and people go on there to specically see hat he can do because they cant and it all creates them to do things on theres - etc etc ... its all delusional but not to him and he gets highly emotional about it whether your just going for a walk with him or whatever - his mind is on that and thats it. He will change his demeanor in order to cope with the feelings he thinks others are giving him. He will think that women are wanting to show off to him and they desire him because his page is so good. When the reality its extremely disturbing and a crazy persons. Whether he intends that or not. He genuinely thinks that people might commit suicide from things he says on there that he makes up - just random crazy stuff that means nothing really and that people need his leading page to be able to know what to do with theirs and that he gets frustrated and angry because they cant just leave him alone. But its all just a delsuion of his that cannot go away without a proffessional if that.

So because he has quit social media again - he is back to earth again. Before that he was really getting bad. Mentally his moods were so sensitve and any type of non direct assertiveness from me would be met with extreme immature direct insults and so on - none that id take seriously but would just leave the situation. It was crazy like a child. And then having to listen to him about neg stuff of his mum and sister he lives with. At one point it got pretty bad.

Now its been a few weeks and he is really trying to control his mental health. He sees simialirites with his sister and her delsusions as she has the same illness basically. She goes on talking to him about her delusions online and with people from her past and anger issues - all things that arent even there anymore and with such passion. Its crazy and he sees that. And he comes to me as he is really really depressed because he cant cope with it with her. As he cant be assertive to her and has to listen to her delusions over and over. Like he talks about feeling almost suicidal about it because its depressing and frustrating and hes trying to change his thoughts awa y from anger towards people and things she talks about about people and so on, away from those paranoia beliefs of people out to get them etc. But this is where i am, in all of this. I wont say---- well you know ive been dealing with severe stress and anxiety burnout and depression all from dealing with his stuff for 4 years lol ... you know- here he is talking about his sister and he cant cope and ive been coping with his junk for ages that its made me ill. I never had a break and yet im still here having to help him with his stuff when i have been basically all on my own dealing with his stuff for ages. And theres so much in that stuff that it makes one get quite sick.
Dealing with a crazy person that has simplistic one way emotions with lack of any insight that isnt crazy. unable to regualte emotions or see the cognetive ways around things.

He is always being subservient to me when hes not in his all-consuming social media frustrations. Now he sleeps alot and gets up has a list of chores he does at home for his mum and feels good hes doing them. And he avoids online stuff.

He always tells me how greatful he is to have me in his life - all the time - he has done that for so long. Like a really sad desperat person. Its very upsetting really.

Thats the thing with someone so ill like him. He cant recognise the insight to his illness on others from a rounded outside view. The toll on me and the lost time for me and the burden of my future over his needs. His illness basically prevents him from having his own agenda on his own life.
That means he is unable to really do anything without someone else helping him and doing it with him. It sounds extreme but its not quite what i mean. What i mean is he will pace outside when hes at home rather than go and watch netflix or do something else. He might be able to do those things every now and then, but mostly only if say i come over and then hell be able to sit down and try to watch something. He has no agenda each day for himself. He forgets and cant stick to goals that are for him. Hel do things that he is used to in order to do something. So clean the house and car and make steamed potatoes for his mum. That sort of thing. But he cant sit and make goals and do his own thing and progress. He basically comes to me for a taste of those things. He doesnt even realise he cant really do these things. His brain lacks the ability to concentrate and be creative and make goals for himself big and small. He can have ideas but he isnt able to do things much more - only if a person is there to help him with it all and plan and do it with him - well thats pretty much what it feels like.

A day for him is visiting people and going out with me. Like if im just going to the supermarket- he might just want to come. Or he comes visits me and if im doing something like gardening - hell want to join in somehow - so well go to the beach and get stones and things like that - all my agenda. There is no his stuff. And its always been like that. Having a person lost with himself not knowing what to do with himself whether in delusions of graduer to see or not, and having to find stuff for him to do because he cant do things - instigate things himself. That means for me, alays having to find time when he plops himself to me. I have to be the voice of enthusiasm to him. Ill tell him things he could do but he basically cant do things.

Its just him doing my stuff with me and not really into it. Always having for me to find a way for him to do something. It can feel like a huge weight on your shoulders. And then when hes all the agressive and completely unable to adjust his crazy feelings about the internet and people and faces and al that. Its all very hard. At least at the moment he is just trying to manage his own crazy as he slightly recognises similarities with his sister and because in a heated crazy of his i spoke back truths to him abou t his crazy and gave him a little insight.

To be fair, hes staying away from online stuff which is his world basically. It forms his identiy and delsuions and so on. He had to take a photo of everyhing he was doig and videos and post them. But millions of selfies every hour and weird videos every half hour almost. It was very disturbing for me.

For him to stop all that again and also to leave the drug world of desperate drop kicks who use him. To step away from his guitar and music too because he relies on his friend to be able to be a band and to get somewhere famous (even tho its just 2 guys in a shed playing guitars) and he cant relie on him anymore as he doesnt take it like a priority like he does. His delsuion of being able to go to the states with a record deal etc..
So he is like - no point in doing that. Im concentrating on other things. And then he comes to me or his mum for things to do.

Anyways thats what im dealing with.

 

[grapevine]

Rugs So ALOT has changed in the past 2-3 weeks. This pandemic is very scary for everybody. I am determined to be on here more frequently like years ago and actually participate more. My life had gotten so drained for the past 3 years i just felt like i needed to tune out rather than tune in. It just got too much.

So now things are freaky. Its not my own stuff now, not just stuff with rugs and all the in-betweens. Its a pandemic of all things. A big scary pandemic as if the fires at the end of last year and the start of this year wasn't enough.

I live with my parents - my dad is turning 70 and my mum is 72. They stay home. We are lucky to live on 5 acres of land that is a good distance from respected neighbours. Its frightening going out esp to the shops. I try to go in the evening when nobody is there and have my gloves and keep a good distance. In and out. But later im thinking of click and collect instead.

Where i live is a seaside tourist town with a very high aged population. Its a retirement town. So its very important we stay home to stop any spread. Everything like everyone is experiencing in this pandemic - its just like living in the pandemic movie. Although that one had almost instant death once u got it.

My anxiety over all this has meant normal day to day anxiety has meant bouts of crying out of nowhere and spirals of out of control thoughts. Anxiety attacks here and there, that sort of thing. And thats okay. Im so sorry for the people in the trenches of all this, and the people whove lost their lives and their friends and family dealing with it all. It's heartbreaking. And its scary.
It creates a background anxiety on high alert along with every other issues u normally have.

ive been dealing my anxiety with panic buying - i dont mean in the sense of heaps of toliet paper and stuff but for the past month ive been double and tripple shopping, like everyone else - thinking we may not be able to even do that later or it may be too risky like it is almost now here in Australia and thinking the economy go bust and hard to get food - its been making me in panic mode at home as needing to be on top of that -be able to at least control that side of things. I bough a whole heap of vege seeds online - the last that were remaining and a cut off point by tomorrow cause the shop had been inundated with orders. Im buying a stackable vege tower kit too. I want to be able to have fresh salads and tomatoes and things like that - the fresh stuff and sprouts etc. At least growing these things will save money in the long run and not mean constant trips or deliveries of prob $$ fresh foods. Also bought vege seeds for my parents to grow out in the garden. Heirloom varieties to get the phyto nutrients.

Months ago my problems were rug's stuff, my obesity, turning 40 in a few years and the ultra depressing childless realisation and oldness and financially desperately wanting a new car. All those things left me feeling frustrated and at times hopeless.

Now its about more stuff and those things are set aside.

3 weeks ago Rug's sister was put into a hospital for psychosis. She thought that police were out to get her and that she committed a murder. There were signs of her irrational behaviour from months back. Shes in her early 30s. (rugs is 36 and im 38). Rugs and his sister are very similar in thier mental illnesses and frustrating inabilities to stabolise moods and sustain or make plans and those sort of things. They both can bounce off each other and it can make u feel kinda like ur around the Tiger King (if uve seen that on Netflix lately lol). So she had issues with spending most of the pension by the first week. $900 in a week and the same with rugs. And i never saw rugs shopping except for $1 lollies and milk and things like that. It always made my suspiscions. It would make me angry. Whether i his close friend or what ever i am. The point is i thought that once he got his pension, hed actually have money and be able to save and things like a normal person could do in his financial situaition of living at home. But instead - i mean i would shop more than him and yet always have a good savings in my bank, a healthy dose from when i was working. I never dipped into those savings.

I couldnt understand how those 2 could be absolutely with no money in the situations they were in by the end of thier first week of a fortnightly pension. I knew rugs did drugs on meth and it drove me severely angry and frustrated and absolutely no respect for him. Id get angry and bombard stuff to him but realised to just sit back and let go. Watch with dissapointment and see him as addicted and dumb.
Hed spend $200 on meth and would go to that meth sort of people every fortnight. Hed have no thought that its something he will stop. I mean a person buying cigarettes as well as meth and some rent and i thought where is all the rest of his money go? Everything he seems to touch goes down the drain. I just lack any respect most of the time.

So it turned out after his sister got sick recently in psychosis she told the mother that her and rugs do ice together every week and he was the once who introduced it to her. I always wondered why she was never as angry as me about him being on that stuff and not saying anything to him to get him stop. I thought she just didnt care, cause they r a bit like that. It turned out she was wanted it every week and because they get paid different weeks they would borrow from each other in order to have it every week , so essentially he was paying her back from the week before and she was doing the same - so they made themselves poor (both in healt hand in the pocket). It just makes me so mad where rugs morals lie in it all as well as the initial stupidity.
The thing is he thinks and says he did nothing wrong and his mum has been informed all about it. He has had talks with his mum about what he does with the drug and he seems to think its a recreational smart drug for him and that he doesnt do anything wrong. lol are u kidding me? He caused his sister who had schizoid personality and been put in a mental facility in her own past (just like him) to go into psychosis by asking her to try it ice and then encouraging her to smoke it with her till she herself became addicted and fried her brain more too. He thinks hes not responsible for that. the more i watch and listen to him over the years, the more i know in myself its all not worth it - i def know that but ill keep a social tie like magnet if it means im not alone and have a close friend.


But u feel like u shouldnt be near them and give him the second of day and yet u do because hes the only social contat u really have atm.
and uve intricatly known the person for 4 years everyday. U r forced to overlook not only the schizophrenia and all the things that come with that but also all the stupidity and lack of responsibility and morals lack of foresight in anything and everything he does. u have to dumb yourself down in ur needs and everything else. I have to note that he cannot help it, even for him on drugs, hes inable to help it as everything seems to be impulsive with him, his actions and needs and whatever they maybe. He goes thru rabbit holes in his mind and cant switch out of them like a normal person, having to wait for it to pass till the next day or few hours or so for him to have any sense. Its different to most people. I have to have compassion even if he finds it hard to notice his own actions on others. When all those sort of things are delayed.

So the issue that made me in such a big panic depressive despair the other day was that his mum and sister are planning to move away down the state 400 km away. I know this would sound like a good thing for me. But bare in mind, being completely alone in my adult life till i let him in, its very traumatic for me if he were to go. It would mean me being alone again. It would be very painful.

 

[grapevine]

Rugs So ALOT has changed in the past 2-3 weeks. This pandemic is very scary for everybody. I am determined to be on here more frequently like years ago and actually participate more. My life had gotten so drained for the past 3 years i just felt like i needed to tune out rather than tune in. It just got too much.

So now things are freaky. Its not my own stuff now, not just stuff with rugs and all the in-betweens. Its a pandemic of all things. A big scary pandemic as if the fires at the end of last year and the start of this year wasn't enough.

I live with my parents - my dad is turning 70 and my mum is 72. They stay home. We are lucky to live on 5 acres of land that is a good distance from respected neighbours. Its frightening going out esp to the shops. I try to go in the evening when nobody is there and have my gloves and keep a good distance. In and out. But later im thinking of click and collect instead.

Where i live is a seaside tourist town with a very high aged population. Its a retirement town. So its very important we stay home to stop any spread. Everything like everyone is experiencing in this pandemic - its just like living in the pandemic movie. Although that one had almost instant death once u got it.

My anxiety over all this has meant normal day to day anxiety has meant bouts of crying out of nowhere and spirals of out of control thoughts. Anxiety attacks here and there, that sort of thing. And thats okay. Im so sorry for the people in the trenches of all this, and the people whove lost their lives and their friends and family dealing with it all. It's heartbreaking. And its scary.
It creates a background anxiety on high alert along with every other issues u normally have.

ive been dealing my anxiety with panic buying - i dont mean in the sense of heaps of toliet paper and stuff but for the past month ive been double and tripple shopping, like everyone else - thinking we may not be able to even do that later or it may be too risky like it is almost now here in Australia and thinking the economy go bust and hard to get food - its been making me in panic mode at home as needing to be on top of that -be able to at least control that side of things. I bough a whole heap of vege seeds online - the last that were remaining and a cut off point by tomorrow cause the shop had been inundated with orders. Im buying a stackable vege tower kit too. I want to be able to have fresh salads and tomatoes and things like that - the fresh stuff and sprouts etc. At least growing these things will save money in the long run and not mean constant trips or deliveries of prob $$ fresh foods. Also bought vege seeds for my parents to grow out in the garden. Heirloom varieties to get the phyto nutrients.

Months ago my problems were rug's stuff, my obesity, turning 40 in a few years and the ultra depressing childless realisation and oldness and financially desperately wanting a new car. All those things left me feeling frustrated and at times hopeless.

Now its about more stuff and those things are set aside.

3 weeks ago Rug's sister was put into a hospital for psychosis. She thought that police were out to get her and that she committed a murder. There were signs of her irrational behaviour from months back. Shes in her early 30s. (rugs is 36 and im 38). Rugs and his sister are very similar in thier mental illnesses and frustrating inabilities to stabolise moods and sustain or make plans and those sort of things. They both can bounce off each other and it can make u feel kinda like ur around the Tiger King (if uve seen that on Netflix lately lol). So she had issues with spending most of the pension by the first week. $900 in a week and the same with rugs. And i never saw rugs shopping except for $1 lollies and milk and things like that. It always made my suspiscions. It would make me angry. Whether i his close friend or what ever i am. The point is i thought that once he got his pension, hed actually have money and be able to save and things like a normal person could do in his financial situaition of living at home. But instead - i mean i would shop more than him and yet always have a good savings in my bank, a healthy dose from when i was working. I never dipped into those savings.

I couldnt understand how those 2 could be absolutely with no money in the situations they were in by the end of thier first week of a fortnightly pension. I knew rugs did drugs on meth and it drove me severely angry and frustrated and absolutely no respect for him. Id get angry and bombard stuff to him but realised to just sit back and let go. Watch with dissapointment and see him as addicted and dumb.
Hed spend $200 on meth and would go to that meth sort of people every fortnight. Hed have no thought that its something he will stop. I mean a person buying cigarettes as well as meth and some rent and i thought where is all the rest of his money go? Everything he seems to touch goes down the drain. I just lack any respect most of the time.

So it turned out after his sister got sick recently in psychosis she told the mother that her and rugs do ice together every week and he was the once who introduced it to her. I always wondered why she was never as angry as me about him being on that stuff and not saying anything to him to get him stop. I thought she just didnt care, cause they r a bit like that. It turned out she was wanted it every week and because they get paid different weeks they would borrow from each other in order to have it every week , so essentially he was paying her back from the week before and she was doing the same - so they made themselves poor (both in healt hand in the pocket). It just makes me so mad where rugs morals lie in it all as well as the initial stupidity.
The thing is he thinks and says he did nothing wrong and his mum has been informed all about it. He has had talks with his mum about what he does with the drug and he seems to think its a recreational smart drug for him and that he doesnt do anything wrong. lol are u kidding me? He caused his sister who had schizoid personality and been put in a mental facility in her own past (just like him) to go into psychosis by asking her to try it ice and then encouraging her to smoke it with her till she herself became addicted and fried her brain more too. He thinks hes not responsible for that. the more i watch and listen to him over the years, the more i know in myself its all not worth it - i def know that but ill keep a social tie like magnet if it means im not alone and have a close friend.


But u feel like u shouldnt be near them and give him the second of day and yet u do because hes the only social contat u really have atm.
and uve intricatly known the person for 4 years everyday. U r forced to overlook not only the schizophrenia and all the things that come with that but also all the stupidity and lack of responsibility and morals lack of foresight in anything and everything he does. u have to dumb yourself down in ur needs and everything else. I have to note that he cannot help it, even for him on drugs, hes inable to help it as everything seems to be impulsive with him, his actions and needs and whatever they maybe. He goes thru rabbit holes in his mind and cant switch out of them like a normal person, having to wait for it to pass till the next day or few hours or so for him to have any sense. Its different to most people. I have to have compassion even if he finds it hard to notice his own actions on others. When all those sort of things are delayed.

So the issue that made me in such a big panic depressive despair the other day was that his mum and sister are planning to move away down the state 400 km away. I know this would sound like a good thing for me. But bare in mind, being completely alone in my adult life till i let him in, its very traumatic for me if he were to go. It would mean me being alone again. It would be very painful.

 

[grapevine]

So his sister and mum going for a new start. He was saying at first yeah im not going. So i was like in full force anxiety mode. I thought we would talk about his options and the gravity of the situation and how he was going to be able to cope and all the things hed need to do and support and all of that, because they said within 3 months. Him having issues with foresight and all of that didnt seem it was a big deal. Till i kept asking questions because i thought he was going to have a talk with his mum over it all and he never got back to me. I hated that because he said im just talking to mum about things. And then i dont hear from him and then when i do its nothing to do with moving at all. So i have to ask and im angered in frustration and bit of lack of respect towards me that he is unable to recognise his social cues but anyways - i pressed him and wanted answeres within my anxiety - for which of course he had none other than he thinks it would be good to be independent and live on his own and he wouldnt leave here. And then abruptly switches his tune after stress of me asking how and all that. Switching to that he doesnt have to stay here and then to a voice mail saying that because of me not wanting to move out of home (and we never mentioned me ever doing that) that he would just have to go with them because i dont fight for him and hed miss his family and that it was good knowing me but hes going to go find other people now. It went on like that and pushed every fearsome button like a deliberate grief on me - like a severe dumping of a friend or more and it was so horrible. I had a severe wave of anxiety attack and like those really really bad depression states. Crying unable to breathe like the worst of the worst had happened. The doom and gloom of spending all time on my own again and all the wasted time on him. It was s horrible. So i told him that, how i felt and he quickly apologised with telling me it was the stress. But still if i hadnt the pandemic to worry about too.

Thats what he is like. And now i cant even question him on it. He just goes with he can do it and thats it. I say, ull need support from ur mum and sister to help get a place - to set u up and financially maybe ur mother could help a bit - which he stauntly replies no to do. He isnt even able to think or have insight much into the things hed be without a so on and he has a very bad track record with money like ive said. It just wouldnt be viable for him - in money or emotionally for support and theres no way i am going to give him my own money cause i did that when we were first dating and then more. He cant function like a normal person. He cant live on his own. I say to him well u could maybe get a unit and hes like no i want a 3 bedroom house with a view lol. Like he thinks hed be able to afford those things. If u took rent and bills and food and then his habit and his cigarettes- and he wouldnt even have his internet likely - things like that- hes unable to even take the step to think about those things - its just all ill be able to do it- ill have a place and u can come help decorate and do a vege garden in the yard.. see the only possibility of him actually being able to stay here is if his mum does help out. And yet i cant say a thing. And his mum and sister say nothing about helping him or what he wants to do. So i cant really ask rugs. I cant do anything like always and just sit back and brace myself for a blow i guess.

Rugs cant do stress. He acts like its someone hurting him directly and scrumples his face. It becomes a big thing - hes not one to be a poker face. And when he will become close to the time his mum and sister want to move- and he will leave it late unless they do it for him. I mean tho they know he cant be trusted with any responsibilities but he thinks he can. He will go into this mentality where he doesnt care and when he does that - it will be a scenario like he did before and make me feel like im going to a funeral. Compound all the fears i have and make things emotionally distressing and upsetting for me before then coming to his senses and saying then hell say something like he wouldnt be able to stay and hed get lonely from his mum and sister and that he wouldnt be able to afford it. Like why cant he just work it all out know u know.





Anyways if he does go and likely he will considering his lack of in many things. My therapist would prob be happy for me. But id be devasted completely and likely go thru a very dark time.


I mean if he goes - the only contact ive had for years and years now- intense contact and then during this pandemic- its unlikely id be able to meet anyone new except directly online and i dont have the self esteem for that. Ive tried talking to him when we went for our small walk today (keeping distance) and trying to help me feel comforted that everything was going to be okay either way. Proposing to him if he does end up going it was going to be okay and i could visit and wed talk on the pone and that sort of thing. But he is adament and quick to cut me off that he is staying. Thing is if he stays ill be the one watching and be part of his disaster of things unless he gets support and the other if he goes ill fear my social phobia full force.
I got upset today because telling mu mum about him moving maybe breifly and she says right out that if he does and comes here for a visit he cant stay here at all. And this wasnt to do with the pandemic at all it was in meaning of beyond that of assuming normal life. That she wouldnt want him staying because he is dirty and would dirty the bedding in the spare room and might stay for longer. I felt quite hurt by that and cried because here is my only friend that somehow makes me feel independent from mum and dad and thier demands and yet that goes out the window - it was disrepectful emotionaly to me - like she cant even see im devasted by it hiding that inside and yet hes not welcome here. She doesnt know of his drug habit but she knows he used to be a bong head.


But having said that, he always smells a bit and distinctly. And he always wears the same black jeans. And ive worked out now that hes been freeballing (no undies) in those jeans since about September last year and maybe only if ever washed them once. Id hate it when he would come over and want to sit on my bed near my pillows - it ended up stinking like him - a mixture of cigarettes and dirt and things. Like how can he go around in his mind thinking delusional grandeurs at times about people noticing how appareently well groomed he is when he doesnt ever change his pants. Appareently he threw out all his other
jeans he would wear up until Sept last year when he decided hed liked skinny black jeans - up until then hed wear the other jeans everyday.

And i got quite a few for him. And then he just thinks hell go and wont need them even tho all he wears is jeans, and goes and gives them away. And now he needs new jeans. Thats the sort of frustrating things he does. Even if u interviene and remind him or let him know stuff. just crazy. And u have to let it go. u know if ur freeballing and if ur smoking all the time - u need to at least wash ur jeans at some point. Most people would have many pair and wash them.


well something went wrong on cut and paste on here but i had a good session of getting things out my systerm Rugs usually messages me at night. He was supposed to contact me for a friendly chat after tea but i never heard back from him since after the walk this afternoon. i think he just goes to sleep like from 6 to 10 in the morning. Its very frustrating to try and interact with him - his illness and his drug habit make it almost impossible. He cant even do basic things - its more of just going about life blind and not knowing what u can do.

 

[grapevine]

Okay so quite a few things have happened. And they havent been nice. I at least was able to talk to my therapist the other day on the phone. But then after that all this drama came my way and ive found it very hard to cope.

This should be a time where being close to your friend/s online at any time for comfort and nice words. For me, my one main best friend has gone into psychosis. And made it very difficult for me to get any needs of that relationship at all.

Theres a reason why i am not as compassionate for that person and u know it rugs for whom i also talk about because he creates drama in everything and i end up within it. Because he has been a longterm meth addict and he has schizophrenia. Huge big red flags and big flags to even be around him for me for 4 years and wrecked my mental health and even physical health dealing with him but nothing is ever black and white. And no i would never ever do drugs or things like that, its against my morals and im pretty much almost chemical sensitive. So i was always battling alot agaisnt my own values with him.

So anyways, go back a month ago - (the toilet paper rush in Australia time), and his sister (whos a few years younger than him) goes into psychosis. Bit of background, they live together with their mother. So she was all over the place thinking shes killed someone and going crazy that the police were after her. The mother had to go drive to the hospital in town where she was placed, over an hour drive after work the mother went everyday for 3 weeks.

The thing is, rugs had introduced her to meth a few years ago and both of them had been taking the stuff every week as they got the disability pension (both have schizophrenia and both in the past have been detained for psychosis). Because the sister got her income on a different week to rugs, they were borrowing from each other apparently and never had any money. I always thought it was strange with both of them to spend 900 a week gone, like have no savings at all. I mean I think they were spending 400 every week on each of their pays and rugs smokes and his sister addicted to Nicorette mouth sprays. Plus they pay a bit of rent.

So they both complete train wrecks. But in the midst of all that, rugs had his moments and what my therapist would say is he is my familiar. Ive known him intensely for 4-5 years now. I mean talking on the phone many times a day, messaging every day and night and he would visit twice a day. At first it was hard for me to deal with all that as i couldn't have my own anything. He wouldn't understand. Then later he became more understanding and even healthy. But always up and down in waves of those things. You would always have this gut feeling that it was a toxic relationship and i was regressing just to be in it and so on. But i wasn't well myself and he was just always there.

If uve had intense social phobia, and agoraphobia in your past ull know just how lonely and intense waves of depression and lack of social identity u can have. I had that for 15 years.
So to have at least someone that I felt at least no threat of judgement to me that could enter my world all the time and share experiences and so, - i couldn't let go of that.

So it kinda became a co-dependency but one i knew i were in. I was conscious of it and had to think of positives because when he couldnt forefill my needs which were constant i was still always in a rock and a hard place.

So anyway, fast forward to now.

The Corona Virus social distancing has taken effect here like the rest of the world. We are allowed to go out for exercise or essentials and asked to keep that 1.5-metre distance.

So with rugs, him always having a thing to come over here every afternoon like his escape thing. It wasn't really for me, it was something he felt he needed to do all the time and take photos of our view as i live on acres. Like a tonic for him to see me and get out I guess. Now tho he cannot.

So in not having that, he needed something else. See i live with my parents and they are in their 70s. So i have to be very careful and careful myself too.

The big news happening with rugs is after his sister went into psychosis and his mother found out about their meth addiction she decided they need a new start and to move away to a town like 400 km or more away.

At the time of that news, rugs didnt seem very distracted by it. He didnt think of the gravity of it at all. But me, i was mourning and my heart dropped. I was at home crying my eyes out feeling like i was going back to how things used to be all alone again. It really felt like a hit to me, esp as the mother and sister werent considering rugs or me in it.

But then rugs was like, he was determined he was going to make it here. He was talking about how excited he was to be independent again and how it would be good for him. And me, knowing that he wouldnt be able to even do any of it, was concerned and asked him questions like was his mother going to support him and that sort of thing, set him up and all that kind of stuff. I mean this is a guy that every week of his pay the only bill he has is $200 rent for 2 weeks for his mother, out of $900 a fortnight. And every week he ends up with 0 money. Every first week. How could a person like that, who spends on drugs and cigarettes and money he owes from drugs , how could that person actually be responsible and fend for themself?

But to him, at the time weeks ago when i posed questions to him like if his mum were to set him up in a flat or something and his response was direct and angered 'no' and that he was going to have a house with a view and 3 bedrooms. I was like okaay then. Clearly unable to grasp reality but id known for 4 years it had taken me to get over the agony of knowing that he is unable to plan and foresee things. He can only do emotional impulsive decisions. He cannot plan and things like that.

He told me that i was making him nervous all the questions id have to him. Because i thought if he were desperate to stay here, maybe his mother would help him and set him up and things like that, so i was asking questions like that. He asked me not to talk about it anymore.

So i was left with not knowing what was going on. See the mother said they wanted to move within the next 3 months.
the pandemic doesn't seem to worry them.

Its not very nice on my end. the 4 year relationship ive had with rugs and the mother and sister arent even being supportive in that. Its just what they want and rugs has to deal with it.

Id been waiting for weeks and weeks for rugs to realize he couldn't do it. I know him well enough that he swings dramatically to he can do something and becomes unrealistic to a low he cant do it and depressed.

There is no middle ground with him.