Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

grapevine

Well-known member
I feel so alone. My cognitive ability has gone down from staying up last night to make a dolls house for my niece, which has been fun. But I recently saw my therapist and her reflections on my recent issues showed that I was getting more and more realising that rugs is just too much, too much red flags and that im saying no in my mind more than i ever have in this situation.

Ive stayed in it because its been hard to even hide away from it and have breathers as he has just been there all the time, in my face and over the years ive had to adjust to that.
It had been a huge difference for me, one that showed the end of a 15-year loneliness really. As someone with SAD, it takes a lot of persistence from a person to make you move into being social with them. And rugs being the lonely sad self with desperate measures to shut up his own life and take on other peoples, he gave me a feeling of being social and having a 'familiar' so to speak. Someone to tell your days events to and someone to be there for you, to be in your life. I never had that. And then I did.

And then theres the crazy stuff that really feels like it hurts you to the core. Its so upsetting to actually be in converstation with your only friend and a close friend and someone who is supposed to be your boyfriend even tho you dont want that because he is crazy. To have that person who is supposed to be there for you just go off the rails by talking nonsensically, it makes you feel so alone and so sad. It makes you die with feelings of so much stress inside like you are breaking your own brain trying to cope with it.

To see the compassion and see this person for what he is and been seeing it for some long time. Rugs, a person so mentally ill and trying so hard to make sense of his own fragile world in forms that are quite crazy - in beliefs and delusions and things that dont add up. Believing in delusions of grandeur and egotistic ways to try to cope. Believing in paranoia and self-importance and evil worlds. It all is just crazy and immature and doesnt add up in relation to where I stand.

My therapist asked me if i was still in my subconscious thinking that I could change him? And my reply to that was that I thought that it wasnt a matter of if I could, it was a matter of 'wanting' to make him see things from my end and how so hard its been on me. Ive wanted him to see his behaviour and his mentality as limited and delusional and how its left me giving more than i could and getting less than i should. I have wanted him to see the imbalance there.

And the thing is, talking to him and trying to reason his mentality of his delusional granduiers of himself and his shortcomings of perceived things that happen in his life particularly on the internet where he thinks people admire him and so on. When his internet pages are so strange and cringe-worthy and like a child's intellect. You see where he really comes from in his mind.


He can be a person that likes to hear your voice and rings you up every morning and every night and even in the middle of the day to talk. Although he himself cant really talk at all because of his illness, but he will just be listening most of the time, so you are there just talking about your own stuff. Which can be like a cloud, a one sided relationship. And then, every so often the person that rarely talks about himself much at all , thats stuck in his own mind, comes out with the crazy mindset of delsuions and so on, tha you just feel wrecked. You feel alone. You cant rely on this person and all that give amounts to nothing but illness back to you.

It really hurts. And it hurts more so now because i see it more clearly and keep seeing it more clearly. It hasnt really been an issue of when i leave him because i left him emotionally years ago. Ive just tolerated him being in my life as his routienes makes me okay and the social stuff however slim and dysfunctional and immature have been better than being totally alone like before.

But its just that deep hurt and toll on myself being in this relationship mentally and stressfully that hurts so much. Theres noone looking out for me really in this relationship- to come to realise over and over that this guy wants you to give in and rely on him and then he is not of sound mind and so many cants of basic living he cannot do and the worst is that he is unable to recognise any of that and worse that he cant see how much it makes me feel so alone but not fully alone - alone with a crazy instead. And I wonder, what does this do to my mentality to be socially phobic for a very long time and then have one very close person in my life that is completely insane. What does that do to me?

I have cried over this tonight after he came over and talked all over the place. I gave him an easter egg. It shows i give and he takes and he is all about him because of his illness. Having have to hear him go on and make dominant conversation of his crazy mind state, makes, I just feel alone.

It feels more of a shift a bit more now as before i was numb and couldnt cry and hadnt the emotions. I just pushed them aside with eating and other things. Now i just want him to realise how his illness affects me and look at me in this relationship, how unfair it is. I just want some reflection in my view but it unable to occur.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
Havent been on here in a while. I feel so old. Even tho people see me young, Im packing on alot of health issues at the moment all from acute stress of the past few years. Sciatica is one and its painful, then theres depression, adrenal fatigue and the ongoing stress that i find so hard to alleviate.
I used to be so healthy and now im just so tired all the time like a chonic fatigued old woman. Doing anything requires physical hard work that gets hard to sustain - it feels hard because i dont seem to have the strength and energy to do things for very long and really sux. I keep trying, i am medicating myself with iron and with adreanal fatigue medication, which help a bit but i jsut cant do things without getting completely exausted and having to rest again. the burning in my arms etc and just needing to lay down and sleep. It truely gets me depressed. And i know it all started with rugs and i know its still all here. I hate it so much. Being on the cusp and feeling like your life is just what others want of you and its nothing of who you are. I think the stress and depression and anxiety cause my body to seize up. Im at the point where there feels nothing left of me - meaning the person i used to thrive myself in. I just get so irritated with rugs and he has no moral compass and delusions of granduer and can only impulsively think rather than think in general - like plan things or think of others 9 he can only do those things with being told to or about it or if he comes to over time recognise things). I feel like i am shrinking myself to him - that im going crazy - that i need my space and need to be lifted up to the person i feel i am inside - my values etc - and that im loosing respect for myself - loosing myself because i have to keep giving and being this empty person to rugs. At the same time he gives me an outlet - my one only friend at the moment since ive gone way down hill. I dont even go on facebook anymore - i dont talk to my family on there - i have let myself go socially. I cant stand resentments with rugs as when he is half minded all the time and from things in the past - they all just get me feeling beat up inside and really angry and like ive been walked on. IEven tho he loves me and bows down like im his queen or something - he still has a major illness and major problems that he cant even recognise. One of them being a drug problem with meth - that i found out was something he was still doing and that in itself (even if what he says is once a fortnight with his mates playing guitar) is completely against my values. I despise that as everything about who i am is anti chemicals and pure vegan diet etc. He doesnt get that. But the thing that got me the other month was that i always felt sorry for him because every week, he never had any money. He gets the doll/ social security and its a very dismal $500 for 2 weeks. After his rent he pays his mum and his cigarettes - his money was gone in a few days and even tho i knew when i broke up with him a year or so ago, and he told me that hed pay $100 - $200 in 1 night on ice drug - i was shocked and grossed out and did not respect nor wanted to know him but still kept it in and let it go. But i didnt realise that there wasnt a time when he stopped doing that. I thought that was a one off thing back then. I know now that he spends that much each fortnight and if he can borrow from his friends drugs the next week and pay him back the next fortnight.. So he never has any money at all. So he is supposed to be my partner and he knows my values and morals and what makes and breaks me but at the same time doesnt think he has to change for me tho he then changes and says he would or what ever. Besides the point, he should know out of respect that going out with him and him asking here and there to borrow a few dollars for snacks or other things - here i was feeing sorry for him thinking he was poor because of the measly doll but it was actually about drugs all that time. Where is his moral compass'? I had an argument with him about this in the middle of the night last week. In 2017 he went to a concert with me - xavier rudd who i am a huge fan of - i didnt care going on my own but i asked him out of politeness and he wanted to go. It was $100 and he said he would pay me $20 each week after. So i agreed. Then, after he never paid me. Fast forward to 2019 and he still never paid me. The amount of resentment. I felt sorry because of the dole- thinking he couldnt afford to pay me and id wait till he got a disabillity pension (because he is ill) and then he can pay me back. Anyways - i told him in the night that id had resentment because of him borrowing money from me and never paying me back. That it was a bruise , a sore spot from him and i was sick of it. I told him i would hold it in and find it hard to talk about money with people. He got angry at me and starting saying abuse at me about how could he know ive been holding resentment and that when he pays $100 or more each week for drugs for himself that he wasnt thinking about me at all and that he should spend that money on paying me back. He said this in a sarcasitic way that was an eyesore of looking into him more than me. I told him he should just now and that its human nature for a person to hold resentment like that and if it were me i would be thinking about it all the time and wanting to pay it back. That he pays everyone back except me and im supposed to be his partner? Then later of course - because of how his damaged brain works, he was wrong and hell pay me back.
But the thing is its rolling to his pay day in a few days and i wonder what he is going to do. He owes me money from getting snacks for the cinema the other day. Im just sick of him having no moral compass, of not being able to think of anyone but himself and to have no respect for my values. He just makes me so angry and hurt and he doesnt realise how i feel about him - its not respectful. He doesnt realise that his actions are a test of his character and i jusdge him on that. He doesnt realise that he can talk about how he is here for me and that he is my future and will always be there but not realise that in doing so i have no future - esp as a 36 year old. He doesnt realise how much a toll his scizophrenia takes on me, how much his drug taking infuriates me and how i really need to let him go in order to have respect for myself. In his eyes he thinks he is one of the best boyfriends. He can be - but its not a boyfriend you can rely on , more like a son that you have to do things for and think for because they cant do it themselves.
I just find it hard these days everyone wants me - my mum cant drive and needs me, rugs needs me, when my sister comes over- her and her kids needs me and i have no time to myself to get on top of my own self care. And the stress is a cycle of making myself in worse health esp with emotional eating and crippling fatigue.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
I really need to come on here and be more active like i used to. I just kinda squash everything away that is my own pandora's box and part of that is not coming on here.

It's not my natural instinct to hold things in. And i usually just come on when i have blushing with pms and it feels so anxious and frustrating and infuriating that i feel i cannot do a thing but need to desperately unload my thoughts somewhere without doing damage.

And the thing is its all the same thing. For the last 3 years. Its still the same thing. And i have to put someone else feelings on the top of that, on top of my own. At the same time there's a big elephant in the room of a co-dependency there that i unwillingly like to indulge in when im conscious of it. But i don't have the social equivalent and my self-esteem has now gone below par that my social phobia has gone up.

Because of rugs, and because of mum and because of myself, i just don't have the mental ability to even help myself most of the time. I feel like im locked into rugs tiny world where he can't do anything and where i have to do everything. Where i cant have a future. And thinking that way stops me from doing things like looking after myself.

I just feel so stuck in the mind right now - and need some relief and that used to come from going on here. I wish i could take pride and look after myself again like i used to but i feel like i cant. And its so stupid lol. I play subconscious mind games with myself. The 'resistance as one help book calls it, another calls it 'excuses'.

I need to take a kinder approach to myself. In my mind. I am desperate to get to a point where i can see things refreshed and optimistic and be able to look after myself.

But when i have someone attached to my arm that is like he makes it all feel like i cant. And i cant wait to see my therapist soon - geezuz ! lol

Ive changed to what my natural nature is. Im scared of becoming like him. Mentally and habitually.
I feel like ive regressed to before i got well all those years ago. When i made choices to actually change my thoughts and habits and became so much better in life.

So someone like rugs with schizophrenia means that he basically can't do things for himself. You go to his place and its a huge mess. He recently moved into a new place with his family and was in a room surrounded by boxes. The thing with schizophrenia as far as his goes is he has no motivation or initiation to do just about anything. Its the positive results of schizophrenia. So he can just sit there and not actually do anything productive, from even the smallest level. He has a routiene and is good at it tho, like hell make his mum dinner and clean the car and things like that. They are habits. But he might do them inconveniently. Like for instance, clean the car when he needs to really unpack and make his bed after moving etc.

The thing with being in a relationship with him is that you end up doing everything.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
ththatWell my life has felt like one big co-dependence of people, people dependent on me more than i on them and me struggling to get any form of independence. Like its always been with my mum. Shes got 30 percent hearing and was born like that. Ive had to be her saviour in many ways, she doesnt drive and for her to go out means i gotta put in the effort whilst my dad decides to go off and do his own thing and make lawn balls and being mr fixit to his friends a priority or pokies. It all falls on me. And then theres rugs who cant really do things for himself, he looks to me to have a life because he is unable to get his own. Not a day goes by where he isnt contacting me, or coming over constantly, he means well and cares but he is unable to actually have any drive or thought to do things himself other than sit and try to work out the internet social networks that he cant socially understand because of his schizophrenia and its disheartening to see what he puts on and how its a paranoia and delusional thinking style that he has with the internet. The other thing is he is too dominant over my life and talks about his life with me in the future not able to realise hes just jumping on my life so he has one himself. I even said something like that to him, he didnt like it - but i tried to tell him that in the least negative way, least offensive way, but it was the truth, but he cant see it - theres no insight into his stuff. He has no agenda, no anything really in his life except to go with me to do my things.

But the worst is my sister, her husband and kids. 6 and 8. They come here, my sister is rude and dominant and basically when they come i have no life at all. I cant do anything because the kids rule the place and my sister and her dramas and her husband. I cant stand it and its a marathon of energy i dont have.


In a few days im driving into town with my mum to go see the ballet. Its in the city and it will be a long day. Origninally my dad was gonna drive us but his priority is always lawnbowls. Because adrenal fatigue i have, its been a battle to get anything done and depressing - its like dragging yourself on the ground all haggard - trying to keep up with things. Its worse cause anxiety and stress so ive found i have to minamilise things. Take it slow and do things with thought in mind ill have to rest after. So this day will be a big day because with anxiety disorder your body goes tense without knowing and your mind races and your breathing is shallow all day. So by the time i get home in my bed and wind down, my body is like so stiff and sore and i cant hardly move. I take magnesium internally to help and the oil. But the adrenalin it takes ages to wind down and to calm my body and then days to recover physically. Im basically unfit too. And over weight/obese now. But yeah, its trying to move your body and its all stiff from that. It really takes days to recover from things. And i know if i can just get on top of this with juicing and looking after myself and having routines and walking and eventually working out. That i can help it start to have less and less impact on me, But i cant because there is always people stopping me from looking after myself.

My mother yesterday, she agreed to my sister to take the kids off her hands this week - from the day after the ballet we go to for the next 4 days. These are kids that are ultra hyperactive and need attention all the time. You cant go to the toliet without them following you and screaming banging down the door. Everything of your own life gets swept away and in waiting till they leave. Ive endured that the last 3-4 days of the school holidays already and also my sister's dramas and how she is so rude and her arguments of swearing and yelling really loud at her husband in front of us all and being picky with my mum on food shes made - my mum having to be like a servant and cooking the same things over and over.
My sister and her husband listen to their iphones really loud without headphones even when we are watching a film with the kids or tv and when my mum has a hard time as it is to hear - its unexcusable (spelling lol) to have such loud talkback on your phone like that in front of everyone - its noise pollution and ultra rude - esp as a guest. I really wanted to say something, or walk up and give headphones with a face but i didnt because all this drama my sister and her husband went through the day before and it was like a domestic and the husband doesnt look well cause he lost his job.

Anyways my point is that my mum just agrees that ill be there to help babysit, without asking me. This kind of thing happens alot where mum just doesnt ask - like that ill drive to pick her up from the city - that i dont have anything on. Anyways my point again is that we are going to the ballet and thats a whole day of driving and anxiety and back and forth. Its stress because my body just tenses up. I know im going to be so exausted by the end of it all. And i assumed id need at least 2 days recovery but now those 2 days are going to be with the kids here and the first time that my sister wont be here with us. My mum is old and hard of hearing and nearly gave my neice almond milk forgetting shes allergic to nuts. My sister tells me that i have to watch mum whilst shes with the kids. I never got a say in any of this. Its just not fair - i am always this person others depend on without asking and it sux when you have adrenal fatigue and no energy most days to do things and when you do do your things its recovery from it you have to put in account. NOw tho im going to have to be on marathon energy when ill be so zapped and stiff. Im so anxious about it and so angry as its not fair and all i am trying to do is get on my feet and its always other people in my way of doing that.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
ththatWell my life has felt like one big co-dependence of people, people dependent on me more than i on them and me struggling to get any form of independence. Like its always been with my mum. Shes got 30 percent hearing and was born like that. Ive had to be her saviour in many ways, she doesnt drive and for her to go out means i gotta put in the effort whilst my dad decides to go off and do his own thing and make lawn balls and being mr fixit to his friends a priority or pokies. It all falls on me. And then theres rugs who cant really do things for himself, he looks to me to have a life because he is unable to get his own. Not a day goes by where he isnt contacting me, or coming over constantly, he means well and cares but he is unable to actually have any drive or thought to do things himself other than sit and try to work out the internet social networks that he cant socially understand because of his schizophrenia and its disheartening to see what he puts on and how its a paranoia and delusional thinking style that he has with the internet. The other thing is he is too dominant over my life and talks about his life with me in the future not able to realise hes just jumping on my life so he has one himself. I even said something like that to him, he didnt like it - but i tried to tell him that in the least negative way, least offensive way, but it was the truth, but he cant see it - theres no insight into his stuff. He has no agenda, no anything really in his life except to go with me to do my things.

But the worst is my sister, her husband and kids. 6 and 8. They come here, my sister is rude and dominant and basically when they come i have no life at all. I cant do anything because the kids rule the place and my sister and her dramas and her husband. I cant stand it and its a marathon of energy i dont have.


In a few days im driving into town with my mum to go see the ballet. Its in the city and it will be a long day. Origninally my dad was gonna drive us but his priority is always lawnbowls. Because adrenal fatigue i have, its been a battle to get anything done and depressing - its like dragging yourself on the ground all haggard - trying to keep up with things. Its worse cause anxiety and stress so ive found i have to minamilise things. Take it slow and do things with thought in mind ill have to rest after. So this day will be a big day because with anxiety disorder your body goes tense without knowing and your mind races and your breathing is shallow all day. So by the time i get home in my bed and wind down, my body is like so stiff and sore and i cant hardly move. I take magnesium internally to help and the oil. But the adrenalin it takes ages to wind down and to calm my body and then days to recover physically. Im basically unfit too. And over weight/obese now. But yeah, its trying to move your body and its all stiff from that. It really takes days to recover from things. And i know if i can just get on top of this with juicing and looking after myself and having routines and walking and eventually working out. That i can help it start to have less and less impact on me, But i cant because there is always people stopping me from looking after myself.

My mother yesterday, she agreed to my sister to take the kids off her hands this week - from the day after the ballet we go to for the next 4 days. These are kids that are ultra hyperactive and need attention all the time. You cant go to the toliet without them following you and screaming banging down the door. Everything of your own life gets swept away and in waiting till they leave. Ive endured that the last 3-4 days of the school holidays already and also my sister's dramas and how she is so rude and her arguments of swearing and yelling really loud at her husband in front of us all and being picky with my mum on food shes made - my mum having to be like a servant and cooking the same things over and over.
My sister and her husband listen to their iphones really loud without headphones even when we are watching a film with the kids or tv and when my mum has a hard time as it is to hear - its unexcusable (spelling lol) to have such loud talkback on your phone like that in front of everyone - its noise pollution and ultra rude - esp as a guest. I really wanted to say something, or walk up and give headphones with a face but i didnt because all this drama my sister and her husband went through the day before and it was like a domestic and the husband doesnt look well cause he lost his job.

Anyways my point is that my mum just agrees that ill be there to help babysit, without asking me. This kind of thing happens alot where mum just doesnt ask - like that ill drive to pick her up from the city - that i dont have anything on. Anyways my point again is that we are going to the ballet and thats a whole day of driving and anxiety and back and forth. Its stress because my body just tenses up. I know im going to be so exausted by the end of it all. And i assumed id need at least 2 days recovery but now those 2 days are going to be with the kids here and the first time that my sister wont be here with us. My mum is old and hard of hearing and nearly gave my neice almond milk forgetting shes allergic to nuts. My sister tells me that i have to watch mum whilst shes with the kids. I never got a say in any of this. Its just not fair - i am always this person others depend on without asking and it sux when you have adrenal fatigue and no energy most days to do things and when you do do your things its recovery from it you have to put in account. NOw tho im going to have to be on marathon energy when ill be so zapped and stiff. Im so anxious about it and so angry as its not fair and all i am trying to do is get on my feet and its always other people in my way of doing that.
Sounds rough. Whenever I am super fatigued (I don't have an adrenal disorder), I try to remember that I've been in exhausting situations many times before, and that this time won't kill me. Seems to help me.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Thanx Miserum. Really helped. I do make things into mountains.

I havent been on here, but i used be on here all the time and it really did help. Ive faded in having my own time really and so find it an indulgedence more now. But really it needs toch means more out be a daily thing because it really does help and used to be my lifeline, to write in this journal or any other type of journal i have. I like it on here because its like a narrative of myself and an open book like im letting it out with potentiual for others to see, which means its more a release. Which means more of it out and worked out in my mind and less stuck on the anxiety trail really.

Im cooked up in my room this morning, its rude that i am. My young niece and nephew are staying for 3 days and this is the first day of that period. Its also the first time they have stayed unatended without thier mum (my sister). And my nanna (my mum) is doing most the work. Im staying in bed and its almost 10:30. I just need my time. With the kids over, and it was just a thing that had to happened tho i was never asked. Means that i cant really do anything of my own except if im rude, for the next 3 days and nights. These kids are very energetic and very needy and the fact that we cant take them anywhere is gonna make them restless. We dont have the car seats and i drive a tiny bug car lol.

Anyways becaus this diary is about me lol. I am always feeling like my life belongs to others. That i have to sweep all my own goals and everything else under the rug and be something for other people even when i havent been asked. My mum is partly deaf (born that way), she cant drive and cant understand many things - ive been her interpreter since i was a kid really and driver in my adult years. My dad hardly helps in those things - he basically goes off and plays lawn bowls or goes to the pokie machines. Which leaves me responsible if mum needs or wants to go out. Because we live quite a bit away from the town, its not walking distance for a 72 year old lol. Im happy to take her places and she complains because she never really has life outside home. But dad really needs to pick up those pieces because most of the time it means im the one unable to go and do my thing most of the time because im going back and forth driving and trying to do my thing whilst also having rugs - the partner with schizophrenia that i am more wanting as a friend than partner who is completely dependent on me for a life because he has issues being independent and having a life himself. So inbetween those two and also my fatigue, i find it quite hard to get my footing. I get exausted in just doing basic things, whether its my things or taking mum or even socialising when i want to do my own things. I am just so desperate to get my independence back and my health back but i get depressed and frustrated because other people's things have to go before that no matter how much i put my foot down. Rugs has to see me everyday and night and even gets jittery if he doesnt. I tell him its unhealthy but he doesnt really take that in. Anyways. The next 3 days is like torture because i cant have my own life back until then. I have to do other people stuff when all i want to do is my own. And i dont really get a choice. Its always make other people feel bad and do my own thing or compromise my own thing. Im one of those people that cant really start or do something when someone else is waiting for me and things like that because i cannot relax. I feel like a teenager desperate to be independent, to live my own life, but i got it good here and i cant leave people in the lurch. Just counting down the hours til sunday evening/night and then i have free space amongst the usual dependencies. And if i can then get out of rugs and mum stuff , then i can actually go plant my plants in my garden ive been waiting to do and look for the lost library dvd and also work on my diet and health.. those things i cannot do right now. The only refuge is me making out im asleep in my room and its almost 11. I feel totally rude and like im saying to my niece and nephew that i dont want to spend time with them. But the thing is i get overwhelmed and i didnt feel up to it at all, i get fatigue and dont get my space much with them, they are at my side the minute i get up and even going to the toliet or having my lunch is something that will be hard because they tend to invade my personal space and not let me relax and do those things really, so the stress of not having a moment to myself when im not in my room - but when im in my room i feel guilty. Over the period of knowing they were coming, i got anxiety pretty bad and it escalated. To the point of feeling like i was nothing because i cant have my own plans or anything. It was decided without asking me, just like my mum said about a month ago i over hear her telling my aunty that when she get old shes not going to a nursing home but that im going to look after her, and the point is this has not been discussed with me at all and the conviction in her voice. Its just not fair. Ive lived my adult life through my 20s and bits of 30s quite ill. In my 20s i had agoraphobia, abuse, sexual abuse, truama, and social phobia so bad i had no social life at all except for a year in 10. Now im approaching 37 and i cant believe im that age, at least i look younger than that lol. But its the age your suppose to settle and make life choices. ITs when your fertility clock goes and you start to go grey. Im tired of others putting thier lifes onto mine like i dont have my own. Back in 2015/16 when i first started this journal, i had a time where i was really above those things. Where indendent was number one on my agenda and my health was the best it had been. I try to get back to that. Its quite hard but i believe i can get back to it. It means ive got to push people away in order to work on myself and my health and carving out my own life apart from my mum and rugs. And i can do that, it just takes energy and being ultra assertive and not carrying other's dependencies so much. Now i have to go play aunty for 3 days and nights .. and forget about myself till Monday (its Friday)....
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Thanx Miserum. Really helped. I do make things into mountains.

I havent been on here, but i used be on here all the time and it really did help. Ive faded in having my own time really and so find it an indulgedence more now. But really it needs toch means more out be a daily thing because it really does help and used to be my lifeline, to write in this journal or any other type of journal i have. I like it on here because its like a narrative of myself and an open book like im letting it out with potentiual for others to see, which means its more a release. Which means more of it out and worked out in my mind and less stuck on the anxiety trail really.

Im cooked up in my room this morning, its rude that i am. My young niece and nephew are staying for 3 days and this is the first day of that period. Its also the first time they have stayed unatended without thier mum (my sister). And my nanna (my mum) is doing most the work. Im staying in bed and its almost 10:30. I just need my time. With the kids over, and it was just a thing that had to happened tho i was never asked. Means that i cant really do anything of my own except if im rude, for the next 3 days and nights. These kids are very energetic and very needy and the fact that we cant take them anywhere is gonna make them restless. We dont have the car seats and i drive a tiny bug car lol.

Anyways becaus this diary is about me lol. I am always feeling like my life belongs to others. That i have to sweep all my own goals and everything else under the rug and be something for other people even when i havent been asked. My mum is partly deaf (born that way), she cant drive and cant understand many things - ive been her interpreter since i was a kid really and driver in my adult years. My dad hardly helps in those things - he basically goes off and plays lawn bowls or goes to the pokie machines. Which leaves me responsible if mum needs or wants to go out. Because we live quite a bit away from the town, its not walking distance for a 72 year old lol. Im happy to take her places and she complains because she never really has life outside home. But dad really needs to pick up those pieces because most of the time it means im the one unable to go and do my thing most of the time because im going back and forth driving and trying to do my thing whilst also having rugs - the partner with schizophrenia that i am more wanting as a friend than partner who is completely dependent on me for a life because he has issues being independent and having a life himself. So inbetween those two and also my fatigue, i find it quite hard to get my footing. I get exausted in just doing basic things, whether its my things or taking mum or even socialising when i want to do my own things. I am just so desperate to get my independence back and my health back but i get depressed and frustrated because other people's things have to go before that no matter how much i put my foot down. Rugs has to see me everyday and night and even gets jittery if he doesnt. I tell him its unhealthy but he doesnt really take that in. Anyways. The next 3 days is like torture because i cant have my own life back until then. I have to do other people stuff when all i want to do is my own. And i dont really get a choice. Its always make other people feel bad and do my own thing or compromise my own thing. Im one of those people that cant really start or do something when someone else is waiting for me and things like that because i cannot relax. I feel like a teenager desperate to be independent, to live my own life, but i got it good here and i cant leave people in the lurch. Just counting down the hours til sunday evening/night and then i have free space amongst the usual dependencies. And if i can then get out of rugs and mum stuff , then i can actually go plant my plants in my garden ive been waiting to do and look for the lost library dvd and also work on my diet and health.. those things i cannot do right now. The only refuge is me making out im asleep in my room and its almost 11. I feel totally rude and like im saying to my niece and nephew that i dont want to spend time with them. But the thing is i get overwhelmed and i didnt feel up to it at all, i get fatigue and dont get my space much with them, they are at my side the minute i get up and even going to the toliet or having my lunch is something that will be hard because they tend to invade my personal space and not let me relax and do those things really, so the stress of not having a moment to myself when im not in my room - but when im in my room i feel guilty. Over the period of knowing they were coming, i got anxiety pretty bad and it escalated. To the point of feeling like i was nothing because i cant have my own plans or anything. It was decided without asking me, just like my mum said about a month ago i over hear her telling my aunty that when she get old shes not going to a nursing home but that im going to look after her, and the point is this has not been discussed with me at all and the conviction in her voice. Its just not fair. Ive lived my adult life through my 20s and bits of 30s quite ill. In my 20s i had agoraphobia, abuse, sexual abuse, truama, and social phobia so bad i had no social life at all except for a year in 10. Now im approaching 37 and i cant believe im that age, at least i look younger than that lol. But its the age your suppose to settle and make life choices. ITs when your fertility clock goes and you start to go grey. Im tired of others putting thier lifes onto mine like i dont have my own. Back in 2015/16 when i first started this journal, i had a time where i was really above those things. Where indendent was number one on my agenda and my health was the best it had been. I try to get back to that. Its quite hard but i believe i can get back to it. It means ive got to push people away in order to work on myself and my health and carving out my own life apart from my mum and rugs. And i can do that, it just takes energy and being ultra assertive and not carrying other's dependencies so much. Now i have to go play aunty for 3 days and nights .. and forget about myself till Monday (its Friday)....
This baby sitting is torture for an anxious person cause the kids are so bossy and energetic and in your face. Cant eat without them in your personal space, or go toliet without them banging on the door. There is no way to have space except deal with the concequences of having a breather in my room for 5 mins at a time. These kids just cant calm and go independent. Rugs kept saying all week that he would help out in any way he could, I tell him to come over round 1 and to let me know when, he doesnt contact me and turns up at 12;30, falls asleep in the house and then tells me his friend from in town (who normally takes ages to get to his - im talking in the nighttime round 3am when hell say hell be over 5 teatime and rugs always has to wait- has finally once in his life decided to come early and so rugs decides to hang out with him instead- i dont really care but its always the same you cannot rely on him. Anyways i just hate how many times i try to state my boundaries round rugs that i need my space and got my own things to do and that he just has to come over to visit everyday and then the moment it could be easy on me if he were here and he has something else to do. He comes over when im busy or sick and need my time and then when i wouldnt mind company- hes gone.
Im just stressed cause these kids are a little too much for me, because mum cant hear and dad kids angry and it all falls reluctantly all on me . Apart from the making food bit which mum does. Anyways - nearly friday gone, got friday afternoon and night to go, then saturday- and saturday and saturday evening and night and then Sunday and thry go sunday evening... thank god. I just hope this isnt a thing all the time now. Because its not fair on me really. I never had the choice. And its not really fair on mum and dad - not for that long period cause they old. I got a life. Its hard for my family to work that out. I jsut feel so stressed - hours before the kids were jumping around and in my face i couldnt have my lunch i couldnt get up to get a drink they were right up in my face and not letting me have any privacy or personal space what so ever and i have to let them know but it really sux like why dont they know this? When i was that age (6-8) i knew it was not nice to be in someones personal space all the time esp when they are eating and going in the kitchen. These kids play and scream and talk to you whilst your trying to do something and concentrate. For instance mum bought a volleyball net and handed it to me to put up. With my anxiety and the kids running around me in circles and yelling and playing and asking questions and distracting me- i couldnt put two and two together - my two cents goes out the window. Rugs at least was there to help but hes hopeless too. Thats when i nearly had an anxiety attack, because i just need to leave the scene but im not allowed to, i cant. And when my breathing gets labored and i feel like im jumping off a cliff it really sux. I hate how mental illness things are not able to be sen by family members like that- mine dont take into account these things and that i just cant cope when its like that. Its not the kids fault but im sensitive to it all.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
The thing with GAD and SP within my family is that I cant run away from things when i need to. So now that my sister has children age 6 and 8, and they stay over our place ( i live on 7 acres with my mum and dad ) it means my stress goes way way way up so high that i can't deal with it except let it out in an anxiety attack somewhere in private and then be exhausted throughout the whole time. It doesnt help that these kids are full on, Jonathan whos 6 is a naughty boy and likes to be the centre of attention all the time, the entire time and bullies people for it. And Alicia, she is very very needy also and a can be bully like but since she turned 8 has tended to accept that she cant be in everyones face all the time. But when they are over its just so much energy i dont have. So much social energy, they run rings around you, wont let you go to the toliet or have a rest in your room, won't let you go to the kitchen without constantly being behind your back and jumping about with hands in your face and talking and wanting you to play with them something new every half hour. Even sitting eating food and they'll get a chair each and sit right next to me and scream and pop off lol and put their hands round your food and beg you to play something with them now, even tho your eating. And Alicia always leans on you, she has to sit on your lap or lean on you and shes 8. I feel like a witch that doesnt like kids, but i do like kids but its very stressfull house when they are here and without even having a say, i have to drop all my things and go help look after them and constantly play with them whilst my sister gets to be in control of her life. It doesnt happen that often, but i know that every school holidays is going to be a marathon for me.

What i hate is the spotlight i feel that is on me to carry all this load when i feel unfit to do so. Its been 3 days since they left since looking after them majority of the last forthnight in holidays and im only just coming down from the prolonged stress and anxiety from it. And it sux because it can be embarrassing like im weak wiled and selfish because im so sensitive. But its full on anxiety the entire time, full on stress because i have to look out for my mum too who is half deaf (she is able to do things herself tho, but i have to interpret most of the time and drive her places). It all becomes too much ontop of my own normal anxiety from day to day that i mostly control. But its the feeling like my home is not a place to relax when they are here and that i just cant go out and do my thing, that i have to go and do other people's things and be stressed out and live thier way till they go back home and its extended and painfully long. I know i sound terribly disrespectful to the kids, but wht im meaning to get out is that my family dont understand and dont want to know about how much i actually cant cope when they are here. That i cant do what is required of me to do even tho i have no say in that. I want them to know that im not just being selfish and going to my room when im tired or stressed that its far more than that. With GAD it builds up in you the anxiety and stress and stays in you till you have an anxiety attack and cant breath and then you are completely exausted. It also means my body ends up so stiff and can become bed bound later in the week and so exausted. Ive got adrenal fatigue from years ago over doing myself and surging thru stress and anxiety and it led me to always being exausted and burnt out that i couldnt do things anymore that i used to. Ive learnt that daily i have to take things slowly and avoid stress to be able to function. Im much better than i used to be now and not bed bound anymore but its so hard when i feel like im selfish for having to go to my room and try to descale stress and anxiety when the kids are here when they are trying to knock my door down and dont like it and my mum gets annoyed with me because she over does it with the kids so badly energy wise she cant really do it. But noone asks me if i can help, its that i have to and thats that. There coming over and thats that and then all this energy has to go into them and my sister and any plans or anything im doing gets thrown out.

The last few days ive been so emotional and unsually so. Its been like a PMS adventure only i dont have that at the moment. And i know its just all the stress over the past fortnight releasing itself. My body has felt so heavy and drained and my emotions has left me feeling depressed and having crying fits the last 3 days.

I have no control over my sister and her kids coming over and their fierce dominance over everything in my life when they do, including my health. And i tried talking to my mum about why i have to go in my room every now and then and basically was trying to explain to her how much a toll it takes on my health, explain to her the stress and anxiety can be too much for me to cope as to let her know i cant really be a fall back so much and thats why i have to go relax in my room- not that i can relax. Im trying to not have an attack when i do go in my room. But my mum just interupts and asks me why im telling her this and that she already knows that ive told her i just have to go to my room and that she doesnt want to know. And that made me upset when she said that. But anyways, just being put in that situation really makes me depressed and highlighted and put in a situation where i know i cant cope but have to do it and at the same time not really see how i cant cope, only see that im thinking about myself and my health like its a selfish thing to do.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
The thing with GAD and SP within my family is that I cant run away from things when i need to. So now that my sister has children age 6 and 8, and they stay over our place ( i live on 7 acres with my mum and dad ) it means my stress goes way way way up so high that i can't deal with it except let it out in an anxiety attack somewhere in private and then be exhausted throughout the whole time. It doesnt help that these kids are full on, Jonathan whos 6 is a naughty boy and likes to be the centre of attention all the time, the entire time and bullies people for it. And Alicia, she is very very needy also and a can be bully like but since she turned 8 has tended to accept that she cant be in everyones face all the time. But when they are over its just so much energy i dont have. So much social energy, they run rings around you, wont let you go to the toliet or have a rest in your room, won't let you go to the kitchen without constantly being behind your back and jumping about with hands in your face and talking and wanting you to play with them something new every half hour. Even sitting eating food and they'll get a chair each and sit right next to me and scream and pop off lol and put their hands round your food and beg you to play something with them now, even tho your eating. And Alicia always leans on you, she has to sit on your lap or lean on you and shes 8. I feel like a witch that doesnt like kids, but i do like kids but its very stressfull house when they are here and without even having a say, i have to drop all my things and go help look after them and constantly play with them whilst my sister gets to be in control of her life. It doesnt happen that often, but i know that every school holidays is going to be a marathon for me.

What i hate is the spotlight i feel that is on me to carry all this load when i feel unfit to do so. Its been 3 days since they left since looking after them majority of the last forthnight in holidays and im only just coming down from the prolonged stress and anxiety from it. And it sux because it can be embarrassing like im weak wiled and selfish because im so sensitive. But its full on anxiety the entire time, full on stress because i have to look out for my mum too who is half deaf (she is able to do things herself tho, but i have to interpret most of the time and drive her places). It all becomes too much ontop of my own normal anxiety from day to day that i mostly control. But its the feeling like my home is not a place to relax when they are here and that i just cant go out and do my thing, that i have to go and do other people's things and be stressed out and live thier way till they go back home and its extended and painfully long. I know i sound terribly disrespectful to the kids, but wht im meaning to get out is that my family dont understand and dont want to know about how much i actually cant cope when they are here. That i cant do what is required of me to do even tho i have no say in that. I want them to know that im not just being selfish and going to my room when im tired or stressed that its far more than that. With GAD it builds up in you the anxiety and stress and stays in you till you have an anxiety attack and cant breath and then you are completely exausted. It also means my body ends up so stiff and can become bed bound later in the week and so exausted. Ive got adrenal fatigue from years ago over doing myself and surging thru stress and anxiety and it led me to always being exausted and burnt out that i couldnt do things anymore that i used to. Ive learnt that daily i have to take things slowly and avoid stress to be able to function. Im much better than i used to be now and not bed bound anymore but its so hard when i feel like im selfish for having to go to my room and try to descale stress and anxiety when the kids are here when they are trying to knock my door down and dont like it and my mum gets annoyed with me because she over does it with the kids so badly energy wise she cant really do it. But noone asks me if i can help, its that i have to and thats that. There coming over and thats that and then all this energy has to go into them and my sister and any plans or anything im doing gets thrown out.

The last few days ive been so emotional and unsually so. Its been like a PMS adventure only i dont have that at the moment. And i know its just all the stress over the past fortnight releasing itself. My body has felt so heavy and drained and my emotions has left me feeling depressed and having crying fits the last 3 days.

I have no control over my sister and her kids coming over and their fierce dominance over everything in my life when they do, including my health. And i tried talking to my mum about why i have to go in my room every now and then and basically was trying to explain to her how much a toll it takes on my health, explain to her the stress and anxiety can be too much for me to cope as to let her know i cant really be a fall back so much and thats why i have to go relax in my room- not that i can relax. Im trying to not have an attack when i do go in my room. But my mum just interupts and asks me why im telling her this and that she already knows that ive told her i just have to go to my room and that she doesnt want to know. And that made me upset when she said that. But anyways, just being put in that situation really makes me depressed and highlighted and put in a situation where i know i cant cope but have to do it and at the same time not really see how i cant cope, only see that im thinking about myself and my health like its a selfish thing to do.
Have you considered seeing a therapist? It's nice to offload all your problems on an expert who deals with these things every day.

Do you have an option to move out?
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Have you considered seeing a therapist? It's nice to offload all your problems on an expert who deals with these things every day.

Do you have an option to move out?
I can move out, but i dont really want to and dont really need to i suppose. Living on 5acres of beautiful scenery and my chickens and garden, its been a dream - but with that comes a little lack of independence - which clearly sets off when my sister comes down and her kids and they rule everyone and everything.

I see a therapist reguarly and have done for about 12 years - the same one lol. She does help. Shes not a CBT therapist or anything, more just a talking session. Ive had cbt years ago and do know the drills and aware of my faulty thinking styles. But with anxiety i find it easy to indulge in the physical stuff and let it go by doing so. Rather than holding that part in. But even with cbt and talking things out in other therapy- its hard when you have pressures on you when you are not well. And the thing with mental illness is that its not really easy to understand for others around you, because everyone gets emotions like anxiety from time to time and even often. But when you have an anxiety disorder, little things add up and they turn on your body regardless of your techniques in the mind. And esp if your out of practice with overcoming certain social anxieties. They just become huge threats to your body - well in my case they do. All the stiffness and having flu like symptoms and being in bed the next day - that sort of thing. Having an anxiety attack for me can come on fast and leave me like ive ran a marathon. And you need total rest time to calm yourself and pick back up. When you dont, it compounds and gets worse - you get more and more sensitive and more and more stiff in the body and breathing labored, you cant think etc. I wish my mum could understand this or want to - just so it doesnt seem im selfish when my neice and nephew come over - who are big demanding handfuls i cant fully take cause of this.

Particualy since burn out. I think most people as they get older in life if they have an anxiety disorder, really need to be aware of burnout. Because that is what happened to me. A continuous load of endless stress physical and mental over years with no resolution - meant my body over used cortisol so much that i couldnt rely on it anymore properly. Which meant the usual anxieties and stresses became too muc to deal with without the adrenaline and I would feel like a person being dragged on the road- with no energy and body feeling like an 80 year old. Ive had to bed rest these last 2 years in order to find deep rest and recovery with not much stress cause the stress would sent me right back. I put n so much weight in doing so, but im starting to feel better now. I am more than ever aware of how much stress and anxiety I can put on my body now. Everyone is different.

I will say the reason i had a burnout in the first place was rugs. Just dealing with a person whos your partner who has schizophrenia and all the things that go with that, it really really took a blow to me. And it still does. I thought hed be over me by now and wed just be friends and all that. But now he is even more into me and he has been so much better and actually grown up and out of his way he was with me anyways. Back then he had no money really and i was basically the one giving to him - not money but in the sense of going out and anything like that, i had to deal with his weird behaviours and thoughts and everything. I had to deal with lack of boundaries and the hardship of trying to get him to understand whats not appropriate behaviour online and what is and that i had no luck in that area as it came accross as me being dictator or something.

At least he has a disability persion now at last and can pay for himself. But his sister has the same pension and i dont know how they do it, but are left with no savings within less than the week they get their income. He ends up giving money to his sister as she is an opp shopaholic and relys on 2 things to make her happy - addiction to niccotiene sprays ( she has 1 for a day and a half when 1 is supposed to last like 3 weeks ). I was present a month ago when i saw one of her weird outbursts that frightened me a bit. Rugs had just been approved his pension and to celebrate the next morning went to buy his sister some magazines and chocolate - something he wasnt able to do for years because he had no money. He went up to her in the morning and gave her them and she said that she couldnt go out to town (she doesnt drive) with her mum because they had to clean rug's room for rental inspection- which was weird because his room was clean. But what she did was after she said that, she started yelling and swearing out of the blue and going crazy. I had been in the toilet and just got out to was my hands and had the unforunate passing of her going into the toilet as i went out and she looked directly at me in stone cold rude face and swearing and it was awkward. As i went back to rugs room, she was punching walls and throwing things and swearing really loud and screaming swearing and this continued for about 20 minutes. Id never seen anything like it and i just wanted to get out of there. Rugs was used it. Dare i say shes really ill. She told me she doesnt take anti-pyschotics anymore- only when she feels like it. Like what?! Shes mad. And with the severe niccotiene addiction - that causes angry outbursts when you dont get any. They are $29 for 2 i think.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
argh dont even know where i was going in the post above.

I feel in the midst of depression and compulsion to binge eat constantly. ive put on so much weight thru stress and binging over the past fewyears and im trying to work out how i used to not do this. Its not nice being fat at a time when you used to be thin and finally got ahead of the addiction like it left and you could eat what you wanted and be fine. Now its im fat again and i hate every minute of it. Literally. I keep having major anxiety attacks over xmas day i feel so uncomfortable in myself to go to. An example, yesterday where i just couldnt function at all. I had to not do anything till i was over the crying and not being able to breath and every time i thought i got it all out so to speak it kept coming again in waves and it was so so horrible inside like my heart was breaking it was a full on attack that lasted most the day. I am so lost , i have no energy to do basic things most of the time. And 2 major social events that i wish had happened when i was slim and mentally healthy - of people i hadnt seen and now im like this again and not well - it really sux esp when its so hard being behind anyways in things and now like this- i complete mental and physical burnout over 2-3 years and im like a washed up roadkill fighting for any inch of energy to try and get up in my life again and unable to. I just feel like i need to rest and get my cortisol down completely and orgamise my life again. And these social events i hate so much right now - i really just dont or really cant go to them like this. I just dont have the mental energy. Rugs has been a lifeline for me in many ways . Hes been quite well lately and helping out. But im just so worn out and so sad and hurting and having compulsions to binge eat. It just sux.
 
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