Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

Miserum

Well-known member
Im like okay, im just going to learn to be on my own even more and cope with that and concentrate on getting myself well, which i am doing.
You may just have to deal with him being in your life for now. Tolerate it perhaps, but not embrace it totally.

You said before that you are taking steps to improve yourself and your situation. I think that is the best and only thing you can do at the moment, despite Rugs constantly invading your peace, and despite some minor setbacks from time to time (like binging on cookies).

When you are doing better--feeling more independent and stronger--you can take even more steps to resolve the situation with Rugs. Maybe when you are in a better state of mind, you can remove yourself from the situation (like moving out of the area in a couple of years, for example), instead of trying to block Rugs himself from your situation.

The emotional rollercoaster sucks. I should know; I go on that ride at least once a day due to external circumstances that I feel I have no control over. I try to carry on and improve myself, to focus on what I can control, despite the negative feelings I constantly experience. Focusing on attaining my goals and the positive things that come along with their attainment is the only thing I can do, really.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
You may just have to deal with him being in your life for now. Tolerate it perhaps, but not embrace it totally.

You said before that you are taking steps to improve yourself and your situation. I think that is the best and only thing you can do at the moment, despite Rugs constantly invading your peace, and despite some minor setbacks from time to time (like binging on cookies).

When you are doing better--feeling more independent and stronger--you can take even more steps to resolve the situation with Rugs. Maybe when you are in a better state of mind, you can remove yourself from the situation (like moving out of the area in a couple of years, for example), instead of trying to block Rugs himself from your situation.

The emotional rollercoaster sucks. I should know; I go on that ride at least once a day due to external circumstances that I feel I have no control over. I try to carry on and improve myself, to focus on what I can control, despite the negative feelings I constantly experience. Focusing on attaining my goals and the positive things that come along with their attainment is the only thing I can do, really.
Thankyou for your reply. It means the world because its so hard to get a good perspective on this. To get some understanding is so hard for me lately. My therapist is good but theres that emotional lack relating to the codependence with rugs i have on and off.

So i have some things in my life atm that can seem a blessing in disguise and also a call to want to give up and crawl in bed in depressive humor of things and just watch Netflix everyday lol.

Issue number one is my car decided to die last month. And as i dont work because of GAD and SP not since a few years, ill have to wait till july to get a new car. Im too shy and dont want to deal with a car loan being on a pension. Im a good saver tho and have been saving for a year for a new car anyways, just i want savings and a car, and so ive just gone and said to hell with it, im having a good rest for once. And thats been a blessing because ive really let that bount up stress melt off me and indulged in the quietness and stillness of not really having to do much at all, except my own things. And with that, my food binging addiction on processed foods has completely gone away and i feel that much closer to coming back to who i was before i met rugs.

Having said that, I live with my parents- but we live on 5 acres and its luxury with a view. Its my home and has been since i was a teen. The fresh air and freedom and in with nature has always helped me. But mum cant drive and relys on me for her to go places as there is no bas where we live. This has meant that ive been in a co-dependence with mum for as long as i can remember. My dad is the independent one at home, he just goes off to bowls all the time and leaves it up to me to do everything for mum. Shes highly deaf- born that way and relies on me as an interpreter with others as well as many other things as her schooling was at a primary level. Not say shes always been a great mum and despite her disabilities has been able to do alot. Its just its always been hard for me because i crave my independence but i always get co-dependence.

Which leaves me to the car thing. I thought, yay im not going anywhere except once a week shopping. Im saving money and im working on myself and projects i never got round to. Ive been doing those things, but at the same time ive had to do EXTRA driving for mum and dad. Seeing mum goes to her social things, Ive got to drop dad off in his car and take mum to her things and then pick up dad, so many times a week. All the while not going anywhere myself really at all. Ive dropped my volunteering that i loved because im not going to ask dad to use his car. But its okay because ive been decluttering everything and organizing what i feel my life back from a nervous breakdown tbh.

The negative is having to play taxis to my folks who have more of a social life than me.

The other negative is rugs. Him continuing being in my life even tho for over 2 years now ive just tolerating him. Him being up and down in emotions all the time, high on meth (i suspect) and then grumpy of the most silliest things and then psychosis where he is paranoid, agressive, hearing and seeing voices and delusions of the sillest things like everyone seeing his life and what he does through his eyeballs or that he is being secretly videotaped. The other thing is that he hears clicks in his house and thinks it happens everytime he thinks of things and that the new house is possed or something. He also is obsessed with Instagram as well as any online social media and has an absurd hatred towards facebooks and peoples avatars on there or something.

Anyone reading this, i challenge you to actually go look up russell naughton on Instagram just to see what im dealing with here. Of course you feel sorry for him, but theres nothing from him in the magnitude of how his illness and drug use affects others. I just tolerate him for what little he can give now. He cant really have conversations much and when he has done which is every so often and he seems happy and well and everything seems okay and im like i actually have someone to talk to and so on - its like a reeling in. Like someone youve known for ages and knows you and then you sort of work out well he must of been on ice again because the next day complete personality change.
Then you go on his instagram and realise the insane state of mind he is actually in. It just still shocks me. Thing is my parents dont want to know. They are sick of me talking about the distressing things i find out about rugs. Over and over again. So i wait till i see my therapist each few months.
And what that has done in the past and contiues to do but not as much is basically hold onto all these negative emotions of frustration, anger and resentment. Those emotions become inward and turn into low self esteem and depression.

So rugs goes through all these personality changes on a regular basis. He goes from being all lovey to me (which i ignore) and talks about us and so on (which i ignore). And he comes over and cant really talk but is really into taking photos of nature and where i live- but wierd photos of things like a stick on the ground or even rubbish on the ground, or the sun or a bush etc. Its just plain wierd and hes so obsessed with it obv from his meth. And that lasts for days and i notice he doesnt sleep at night cause hes up on instagram taking thousands of selfies and uploading them and writing the craziest stuff that doesnt make sense on there. Its quite disturbing for me, let alone anyone.

Then theres this out of nowhere anger and then after that all the delusions and anxiety paranoia and then hes asleep for days.
Ill point out he has no case worker or mental health team. His mum is supposed to be his carer but doesnt do anything, she does her own things instead. Hes been in psychosis now so many times within the last few years, ever since he got disability pension. He has declined mentally rapidly since i first met him.

The thing is after the whole endure of his ice binge things, he comes back to almost normal and acts like nothing happened at all. And its likely he goes straight back on it. But i have no clue. Except his behaviour.

And so im trying to do my best.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Sounds like you're doing everything you can to improve your circumstances! Therapy, eating healthy. Organizing your life. And I think it's good you help your parents out.

While I don't fully know your mom's situation, if the main issues holding her back from independence are her hearing and a lack of education, I can see two potential solutions there. 1) You improve your own situation and become financially independent, which allows you to hire an interpreter so your mom isn't as reliant on you for everything and 2) a lack of education is something that's resolvable with some work. There are tons of available education resources online. There are education programs for adults. If your mom is willing to put in the work, perhaps she can improve her situation as well.

Basically, I don't think you're necessarily bolted down out there.

I wonder if you might benefit from seeing your therapist more. Once every few months does not sound like it could help much.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Havent been on in awhile. Some things that have been stressfull recently have been ( because I cant be bothered getting into it all right now - no energy)


- Since my car blew up in january this year, ive havent been able to go out except for grocery shopping and taking mum and dad everywhere in dads car (mum cant drive) - ive been more of a family taxi than i ever was and ive once again struggled to have a life of my own again.


  • Had to go with my dad early in the morning weeks ago his bowling club where he got picked up by a friend to go to match in another town. Dad’s old car conked out on me near a busy main road. Had to walk to rugs place to get a lift home after trying to start the car for 15 minutes finally able to err it to the side of the road to park. (dad finally got it fixed)
  • Then that week Rugs was high and then in an ice rage again.
  • I wake up early in the morning to my dog barking (he sleeps with me) and realise its rugs, hes up near the side of our block of land and I approach him and hes out of character and mumbling agressively and hostile to himself. I just woken up to that. My heart goes wild again and i feel the adrenalin go off, breathless. He comes into my room and talks like a grumpy drunk about his mum who said that her life doesnt have meaning without the dad who died a few years ago. His mum clearly in depression. But rugs in his ice rage decideds to come and tell me about it yelling and so fourth and talking in delusions. Its alot to deal with once again. Then he goes out down our driveway onto the road and has his cigarette and paces talking to himself, the whole street can see him its embarressing. Whats worse is my parents dealing with this on the offset. Its ultra embarressing and stressful and scarey. he tells me hes not going back home and staying at mine all day. The one day my mum was going out and i had the kitchen to myself. I end up making breakfast and lunch for rugs and he sleeps in the spare room all morning. I couldnt do anything for myself really and i couldnt relax.
  • Days later, rugs in pre psychosis and completely paranoid and delusional. Turns up at mine again. I wasnt feel well and i couldnt take his paranoia and weird behaviour. I was already stressed. I tried taking the dog for a walk but my body couldnt do it. I did not feel well and was breathless. Asked rugs if he could help take the dog out and he didnt want to. He went home, wierdly reacted to anything. I forget about him and try to look after myself. I was home alone and not feeling well.
  • I got sick. I felt dizzy and got a fever. Then I got quite sick. No not covid. Just some virus or something. I was deep in sweat and fever really bad. In the middle of the night i was shivering so bad and wet, i couldnt keep warm. I slept with a bucket cause i felt like i was going to vomit. It lasted about 3-4 days. Funny thing nobody else got sick. Not at all. And i wonder if it was stress or a bacterial infection. I really should see the dr.
  • My dad has his lawn bowls championship and i have to take the car so i can take mum to her outings. Dad says to go pick him up at the other bowling club in another town which is out in the country more about an hours drive, he says leave 6. We leave at that time and get there round 7. Hes not there but when he does get there he tells me he said 8’30 in front of his mates when he didnt say that at all. Ive got bad social phobia. I didnt feel like going into a bowling clubroom full of drunk men. Sat in the car for 2-3 hours with my ipad in the night then when they were finished drive mum and dad back home.
  • When i got home rugs car was there unexpectedly and he was eerily sitting in the house with the lights off with my dog. I was already anxious and stressed and then when i saw him. Apparently he had good intentions. See we dont lock the house we live on an acerage. He said he was keeping my puppy happy cause he wsnt used to me being gone, that he only came to check up on him and that he felt he couldnt leave him, so he sat with the lights off as to not intrude. See rugs is like a kid, he lacks insight. My mum has had enough really with him and my dad. Not that they say anything to him. But me in the middle and i have to make out nothing was wrong when it was so innappropriate and wrong. His mum had said to him before he left if he should be doing that, and his reply was that hes family to mine. Someone like him, its hard to have consistant boundries, i break up with him and its not to him. I just put up with it. But at the same time when he is a bit sane, i have someone who cares and i can talk to. Its hard.
  • My narcistic sister and her hyper self important kids are over for the easter. My sister is like a cold breeze. You cant talk to her she cant take any type of assertiveness and is extremely rude, yet my parents role out the red carpet of her demands even when they arent even said but expected. My dad always talking about trying to get her a house and get her money. She owes $500 to my parents and is a single mother (her husband when crazy) but she lives a life of luxury because she cares so much about looking middle class. Not that we arent exactly, but she goes and books a holiday interstate and so on even tho she owes money to mum and dad, even though she is so rude and slightly abusive to my mum when she needs her. She trumps everyone. She talks to her kids like a person having a verbal fight at a bar would. She swears and doesnt hold back. It fills the house with such stressfull uncomfortableness.
  • I came out today and couldnt help say gee thats a bit crude reffering to her searing and the way she was talking to her daughter. Shed told her off for not putting more effort into her homework picture. Shes been helping or practically helping her do it all to make it perfect because my sister that is all she cares about an inflated ego. Did i mention she is narcistic.
  • Which leads me to her reponse of me mentioning her crudeness. She straight back insults me in front of her kids and says she lives in the real world and that i dont get out and im a hermit sort of thing. I respond with you dont know what i do. And her response was just look at you, you can see you dont go out.

She was really mean directed at me in front of the kids. I tried to float it off and went outside but with everything lately in major depression and all the stress from everything. I had a big anxiety attack and had to go to my room.


My dad who was sitting in the room when it happens. When my sister went to the beach, he never said anything to my mum about it. He only talked about finding these coins in a tin worth $100 each to give to my sister so she can sell on ebay. Everything with my dad is always about getting my sister a house and making money in shares for her. Meanwhile she owes them $500 and is going interstate on a holiday. At the same time, me who has to devote my life to taking mum out all the time and my own car blew up, have been saving every coin of my pension except for bills like internet and groceries etc to get a new car which i know when i do i still wont escape with independence so much. My sister blows money on everything she cant do without. Shes so rude as well and yet shes got dads respect. I dont and never will get that. It just hurts alot even tho its more about her kids.

I write to rugs after my anxiety attack over what my sister said to me. Cause it hurt and i had noone else. He was too tired to really be interested much and was actually a bit rude at me and said he didnt want to know anymore about my family issues and wanted to rest. Yet hes the one who drops himself at mine every month in a meth rage and i have to help him despite it taking everything out of me and making me ill each time compounding.

Im just trying to survive at the moment but its hard i feel like i cant just be independent. My family lacks real respect for me, esp my dad. He has always been like that, prob worse since getting older. He never asks or communicates much - i just have to take him here or there or do this or that. If he decides to build a gazebo oh (me) will do this and this. I dont get a say. Then theres mum who desperately needs to have a social life and get out but dad is too involved in his own bowls and other things that he completely neglects mum and it all gets left onto me.
I have fatigue and depression anxiety and burnout from rugs over the years and so on and i find it hard having to do mum and dad stuff all the time and rugs and it makes it so difficult to even get off the ground myself with my own illness. I hate that ive gone backward and that people just see me as mentally ill still when i made huge strides and they dont see im not only battling my illness but im battling a drug addict (rugs) making drama in my life as well as codependent parents who lack respect of me being any bit independent. And at the same time Ive got no car and its just a waiting game of me crudely saving for 3-4 months to be able to get a new car. I mean i could get one now but im not going to get a used car with like 160 000 km am i lol. I want almost new so that it lasts and to do that i have to wait. Thing is my social phobia and depression has raised so much. Esp depression. I lack any independence atm. But at least i have some solace when i can. I just cannot wait til i get my new car and i can go out and so on. I had my car on its last legs for years because it was me when i was in a relationship with rugs driving him around everywhere, it was never even, even tho he had a better younger car ( his mum won it from a magazine years ago) he smoked in it which meant i couldnt tolerate sitting in there i got sick each time. So my car was used 100 percent everywhere we went. Now it doesnt work. Geez im really indulging in being a vicim here. At least i see that.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
A day after the aftermath of having my sister over and her children for 3 days of Easter weekend. I know that sounds bad, the kids are not that bad well one of them, the other one he issues, he needs constant attention has issues with being able to care about others.

But my sister on the other hand, shes like the Tasmanian devil of narcissism in the house that everyone has to roll the red carpet out for and obey.
The whole thing with me trying to keep afloat with my anxiety down when they are here is really hard. I cant have any independence other than make out im sleeping in my room at times. the kids dont have any spacial awareness so they are in your face the whole time and hyper the whole time. My sister is constantly yelling at them, even if its about nothing they have done wrong. Shes concerned about the smallest things that a kid shouldnt have to worry about but my sister who cares 100 percent about what others think ( and i dont mean us her family, i mean other people) and will yell at the kids for sitting on the floor and things like that. And when i say yell i mean a full on attack of swearing and belittling her kids in a horror show that is unlike the culture we have at home until shes over. It becomes stressful.

But the thing is she treats us like her servants and her and the kids do their things but it doesnt include us (me and my parents). They will go off to the beach and not ask us. They will take easter photos but it wont include us. Not even my dog is allowed in the photos. She has to care so much about her image on facebook and so on. But not actually care of what is important. She will take a photo of her and the kids all smilling but it will be a yelling match beforehand of her viscioulsy yelling at the kids to smile or what ever. The photo never shows the reality so to speak.

And im still reeling from her character assaination on me from a day ago even though they have gone home. All i said was geez thats a bit crude, and that was in refference to her swearing at one of her kids for not doing her homework drawing to the standard that she wanted. My sister ripped right into me and told me she lives in the real world unlike me and that i was a hermit basically and that i dont get out. I told her that she doesnt know what i do, she then said (and in front of the kids) to look around and that its pretty obvious the way i look and my surrounds and how i act that i dont get out. She said it very hurtfully in front of her kids to me and my dad just sitting there not caring. It was so painful for me. If one thing about social phobia and anxiety and depression is that you fear criticism. She nipped that in the bud direct right at me in front of everyone. It made me feel like nothing. And it wasnt just her, it was my whole family. My parents that make my sister seem like the queen is coming and having to roll out the red carpet. My mum has to cook this whole load of meals for my sister, im talking veg roasts and things like that, not easy stuff because my sister demands or more expects my mum do everything even though she is in her mid 70s. Yet i go to have some roast potatoes too and i get told off by my mum. They are for my sister. And i cant even get into the kitchen because my mum is in there cooking away and even when shes not the kids wont leave me alone so i dont really get a chance. I do manage to sneek some roast potatoes tho.
Then i get my dad always talking about all the shares he has invested in and how hes putting everything in to get my sister a house. Everything is about getting my sister money. Even my mum talks about it. Whether its a small amount or about the future. Its about my sister. For as long as i remember i have been neglected even when i really needed help. And it has been the reason why my social phobia and GAD and even a period in my 20s with agoraphobia came to be much worse and stunted any independent growth. Now i live in shame alot. My parents make me feel ashamed of myself and not worthy of the sort of concern or attention that my sister gets. It makes her comments she said to me that i dont know the real world far more worse. People who know my history know the unfairness and bad luck that i have overcome. And it has been at the hands of my dad and even my mum at times. Ive had to be my own help from the beginging. And that has been the result of how difficult things had been. So if im still at home and nearly 40, well so be it. I dont need to feel ashamed. How many people with SP and GAD had to walk for hours for transport because they had no avialable support from their parents. Or been at school and failing due to being raped and didnt know it but teachers couldnt get my parents to even come in and help. My dad would sit in the car and id have to get my mum in and she being deaf and having problems with understanding anything, it meant nothing. Or having to help my mum all the time and even my dad when i was the one that needed help. Having to feel like my independence is nothing and that because im not able to go off and live in the city or cope with my anxiety and not know anyone or able to go out back then that i couldnt even see a way out. There was no help. Any help has been from my own hands over the years. And ive gotten through some real nightmares on my own. Ive had to search out that help and had to educate and change my thinking to be able to even approach help. Ive had to do alot. And atm yeah i dont have a car right now, my parents despite me having to of drive them everywhere- my mum, they are more concerned with trying to get money for my sister than for me. Im in a waiting saving game of being really unable to go out or do anything until i save $12000 for a car. Which is going to take 4 or so months just to be in that situation. And in that time it has been very depressing because all i have done has had to drive my dad here and drive my mum there in their car and basically not have a life of my own at the same time have to deal with my parents care all about my sister and not even see the sevre depression im in. There is just no concern or seeing the pain and shame i secretely am in. And after having to deal with all that rugs stuff all the time with him in drug addiction and turning up in pyschosis every month and having to deal with it, its been really hard. I just form this bubble world of my own. I cant wait to get my car and work back on getting my independence back. But i never have it all completely. My mum cant drive and my dad only really cares about his own stuff and going to bowls and whatever. Mym mum wants to increase her outtings and get out have a social life and talks about when i get my car and taking her here and there. Its a struggle for me to carve out my own independent life from my parents because my mum being in her mid 70s and missing out on things because my dad isnt there to do that for her, it has to be me because i know what that feels like and understand. But its not fair when i get pushed aside like i dont have any goals and aspirations of my own. Its like my family think quite little of me, ike they would never even oocur to them the feelings i get of missing out on things myself in lifes stages of things. That i have in my head trying to find pathways to things like that. They just see me as someone at home and nothing else. If my dad goes and does something and needs me he doesnt asks its just i will do that and thats that. I have to drop everything for my parents to do stuff all the time. And it would ikely be the case even if i wasnt living here with them lol. I dont mind but in shame and depression it can be quite hard to see outside the dysfunctions of this family. When i was 16, and reeling from rape and sexual abuse as a teen i was so ashamed but didnt know why. I felt so ill. I couldnt do my school work, i hid in the trees at school all day i couldnt go into the classroom because the boy was there.Yet i didnt consciously know why i hid and why i was avoiding people. Then i found my dads huge stash of porn mags of the 80s in this cupboard and read one and it had an article about men and how if a woman says no it means yes or somehting like that , it had diagrams where to put your hands and so on and seduce a woman. I felt sick and literally ripped up prob 50 relic porn mags lol. The thing is my parents never said anything about it. They just punished me and said that i cant be trusted to be in the house on my own in the school holidays. They gave me the option of going out in the car with dad on his electrian jobs for the weeks or sitting at home on the block of land with a lunchbox and water and be locked outside. I chose the later because i was scared of my dad because of the porns lol. I thought that meant i was a target for sexual abuse. For years i thought that all boys and men couldnt help themselves and when they saw a girl or woman that they were a target to be raped at any time. For years i struggled with dressing anyway feminene. I thought that if i did i was a target. Esp around dad it felt very uncomfortable and i felt ashamed and scared. I couldnt talk to men either or boys. If my cousins were over i thought every body language meant somehting else. Id freak out. I didnt get my drivers liscence til i was about 30 because i thought i had to sit in a car with a guy. Ive lived in such more severe conscquences of reactions to things than should of been because i lacked the support that i needed. But anyways im far from those days. Im just trying to get on track with my self esteem and try to get up and healthy in my mind and body and create some self respect. I am automatic writing here so its just a way to see my thoughts that feels affective for me, sort of to get it all out and then feel less consumed and more in the mindful moment of today .
 
grapevine said:
Im in a waiting saving game of being really unable to go out or do anything until i save $12000 for a car.

Why $12000? :unsure: Did you mean to write $1200, or are used cars 10x more expensive in your country?
 
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