Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[Miserum]

Im like okay, im just going to learn to be on my own even more and cope with that and concentrate on getting myself well, which i am doing.

You may just have to deal with him being in your life for now. Tolerate it perhaps, but not embrace it totally.

You said before that you are taking steps to improve yourself and your situation. I think that is the best and only thing you can do at the moment, despite Rugs constantly invading your peace, and despite some minor setbacks from time to time (like binging on cookies).

When you are doing better--feeling more independent and stronger--you can take even more steps to resolve the situation with Rugs. Maybe when you are in a better state of mind, you can remove yourself from the situation (like moving out of the area in a couple of years, for example), instead of trying to block Rugs himself from your situation.

The emotional rollercoaster sucks. I should know; I go on that ride at least once a day due to external circumstances that I feel I have no control over. I try to carry on and improve myself, to focus on what I can control, despite the negative feelings I constantly experience. Focusing on attaining my goals and the positive things that come along with their attainment is the only thing I can do, really.

 

[grapevine]

You may just have to deal with him being in your life for now. Tolerate it perhaps, but not embrace it totally.

You said before that you are taking steps to improve yourself and your situation. I think that is the best and only thing you can do at the moment, despite Rugs constantly invading your peace, and despite some minor setbacks from time to time (like binging on cookies).

When you are doing better--feeling more independent and stronger--you can take even more steps to resolve the situation with Rugs. Maybe when you are in a better state of mind, you can remove yourself from the situation (like moving out of the area in a couple of years, for example), instead of trying to block Rugs himself from your situation.

The emotional rollercoaster sucks. I should know; I go on that ride at least once a day due to external circumstances that I feel I have no control over. I try to carry on and improve myself, to focus on what I can control, despite the negative feelings I constantly experience. Focusing on attaining my goals and the positive things that come along with their attainment is the only thing I can do, really.

Thankyou for your reply. It means the world because its so hard to get a good perspective on this. To get some understanding is so hard for me lately. My therapist is good but theres that emotional lack relating to the codependence with rugs i have on and off.

So i have some things in my life atm that can seem a blessing in disguise and also a call to want to give up and crawl in bed in depressive humor of things and just watch Netflix everyday lol.

Issue number one is my car decided to die last month. And as i dont work because of GAD and SP not since a few years, ill have to wait till july to get a new car. Im too shy and dont want to deal with a car loan being on a pension. Im a good saver tho and have been saving for a year for a new car anyways, just i want savings and a car, and so ive just gone and said to hell with it, im having a good rest for once. And thats been a blessing because ive really let that bount up stress melt off me and indulged in the quietness and stillness of not really having to do much at all, except my own things. And with that, my food binging addiction on processed foods has completely gone away and i feel that much closer to coming back to who i was before i met rugs.

Having said that, I live with my parents- but we live on 5 acres and its luxury with a view. Its my home and has been since i was a teen. The fresh air and freedom and in with nature has always helped me. But mum cant drive and relys on me for her to go places as there is no bas where we live. This has meant that ive been in a co-dependence with mum for as long as i can remember. My dad is the independent one at home, he just goes off to bowls all the time and leaves it up to me to do everything for mum. Shes highly deaf- born that way and relies on me as an interpreter with others as well as many other things as her schooling was at a primary level. Not say shes always been a great mum and despite her disabilities has been able to do alot. Its just its always been hard for me because i crave my independence but i always get co-dependence.

Which leaves me to the car thing. I thought, yay im not going anywhere except once a week shopping. Im saving money and im working on myself and projects i never got round to. Ive been doing those things, but at the same time ive had to do EXTRA driving for mum and dad. Seeing mum goes to her social things, Ive got to drop dad off in his car and take mum to her things and then pick up dad, so many times a week. All the while not going anywhere myself really at all. Ive dropped my volunteering that i loved because im not going to ask dad to use his car. But its okay because ive been decluttering everything and organizing what i feel my life back from a nervous breakdown tbh.

The negative is having to play taxis to my folks who have more of a social life than me.

The other negative is rugs. Him continuing being in my life even tho for over 2 years now ive just tolerating him. Him being up and down in emotions all the time, high on meth (i suspect) and then grumpy of the most silliest things and then psychosis where he is paranoid, agressive, hearing and seeing voices and delusions of the sillest things like everyone seeing his life and what he does through his eyeballs or that he is being secretly videotaped. The other thing is that he hears clicks in his house and thinks it happens everytime he thinks of things and that the new house is possed or something. He also is obsessed with Instagram as well as any online social media and has an absurd hatred towards facebooks and peoples avatars on there or something.

Anyone reading this, i challenge you to actually go look up russell naughton on Instagram just to see what im dealing with here. Of course you feel sorry for him, but theres nothing from him in the magnitude of how his illness and drug use affects others. I just tolerate him for what little he can give now. He cant really have conversations much and when he has done which is every so often and he seems happy and well and everything seems okay and im like i actually have someone to talk to and so on - its like a reeling in. Like someone youve known for ages and knows you and then you sort of work out well he must of been on ice again because the next day complete personality change.
Then you go on his instagram and realise the insane state of mind he is actually in. It just still shocks me. Thing is my parents dont want to know. They are sick of me talking about the distressing things i find out about rugs. Over and over again. So i wait till i see my therapist each few months.
And what that has done in the past and contiues to do but not as much is basically hold onto all these negative emotions of frustration, anger and resentment. Those emotions become inward and turn into low self esteem and depression.

So rugs goes through all these personality changes on a regular basis. He goes from being all lovey to me (which i ignore) and talks about us and so on (which i ignore). And he comes over and cant really talk but is really into taking photos of nature and where i live- but wierd photos of things like a stick on the ground or even rubbish on the ground, or the sun or a bush etc. Its just plain wierd and hes so obsessed with it obv from his meth. And that lasts for days and i notice he doesnt sleep at night cause hes up on instagram taking thousands of selfies and uploading them and writing the craziest stuff that doesnt make sense on there. Its quite disturbing for me, let alone anyone.

Then theres this out of nowhere anger and then after that all the delusions and anxiety paranoia and then hes asleep for days.
Ill point out he has no case worker or mental health team. His mum is supposed to be his carer but doesnt do anything, she does her own things instead. Hes been in psychosis now so many times within the last few years, ever since he got disability pension. He has declined mentally rapidly since i first met him.

The thing is after the whole endure of his ice binge things, he comes back to almost normal and acts like nothing happened at all. And its likely he goes straight back on it. But i have no clue. Except his behaviour.

And so im trying to do my best.

 

[Miserum]

Sounds like you're doing everything you can to improve your circumstances! Therapy, eating healthy. Organizing your life. And I think it's good you help your parents out.

While I don't fully know your mom's situation, if the main issues holding her back from independence are her hearing and a lack of education, I can see two potential solutions there. 1) You improve your own situation and become financially independent, which allows you to hire an interpreter so your mom isn't as reliant on you for everything and 2) a lack of education is something that's resolvable with some work. There are tons of available education resources online. There are education programs for adults. If your mom is willing to put in the work, perhaps she can improve her situation as well.

Basically, I don't think you're necessarily bolted down out there.

I wonder if you might benefit from seeing your therapist more. Once every few months does not sound like it could help much.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on in awhile. Some things that have been stressfull recently have been ( because I cant be bothered getting into it all right now - no energy)


- Since my car blew up in january this year, ive havent been able to go out except for grocery shopping and taking mum and dad everywhere in dads car (mum cant drive) - ive been more of a family taxi than i ever was and ive once again struggled to have a life of my own again.

• Had to go with my dad early in the morning weeks ago his bowling club where he got picked up by a friend to go to match in another town. Dad’s old car conked out on me near a busy main road. Had to walk to rugs place to get a lift home after trying to start the car for 15 minutes finally able to err it to the side of the road to park. (dad finally got it fixed)
• Then that week Rugs was high and then in an ice rage again.
• I wake up early in the morning to my dog barking (he sleeps with me) and realise its rugs, hes up near the side of our block of land and I approach him and hes out of character and mumbling agressively and hostile to himself. I just woken up to that. My heart goes wild again and i feel the adrenalin go off, breathless. He comes into my room and talks like a grumpy drunk about his mum who said that her life doesnt have meaning without the dad who died a few years ago. His mum clearly in depression. But rugs in his ice rage decideds to come and tell me about it yelling and so fourth and talking in delusions. Its alot to deal with once again. Then he goes out down our driveway onto the road and has his cigarette and paces talking to himself, the whole street can see him its embarressing. Whats worse is my parents dealing with this on the offset. Its ultra embarressing and stressful and scarey. he tells me hes not going back home and staying at mine all day. The one day my mum was going out and i had the kitchen to myself. I end up making breakfast and lunch for rugs and he sleeps in the spare room all morning. I couldnt do anything for myself really and i couldnt relax.
• Days later, rugs in pre psychosis and completely paranoid and delusional. Turns up at mine again. I wasnt feel well and i couldnt take his paranoia and weird behaviour. I was already stressed. I tried taking the dog for a walk but my body couldnt do it. I did not feel well and was breathless. Asked rugs if he could help take the dog out and he didnt want to. He went home, wierdly reacted to anything. I forget about him and try to look after myself. I was home alone and not feeling well.
• I got sick. I felt dizzy and got a fever. Then I got quite sick. No not covid. Just some virus or something. I was deep in sweat and fever really bad. In the middle of the night i was shivering so bad and wet, i couldnt keep warm. I slept with a bucket cause i felt like i was going to vomit. It lasted about 3-4 days. Funny thing nobody else got sick. Not at all. And i wonder if it was stress or a bacterial infection. I really should see the dr.
• My dad has his lawn bowls championship and i have to take the car so i can take mum to her outings. Dad says to go pick him up at the other bowling club in another town which is out in the country more about an hours drive, he says leave 6. We leave at that time and get there round 7. Hes not there but when he does get there he tells me he said 8’30 in front of his mates when he didnt say that at all. Ive got bad social phobia. I didnt feel like going into a bowling clubroom full of drunk men. Sat in the car for 2-3 hours with my ipad in the night then when they were finished drive mum and dad back home.
• When i got home rugs car was there unexpectedly and he was eerily sitting in the house with the lights off with my dog. I was already anxious and stressed and then when i saw him. Apparently he had good intentions. See we dont lock the house we live on an acerage. He said he was keeping my puppy happy cause he wsnt used to me being gone, that he only came to check up on him and that he felt he couldnt leave him, so he sat with the lights off as to not intrude. See rugs is like a kid, he lacks insight. My mum has had enough really with him and my dad. Not that they say anything to him. But me in the middle and i have to make out nothing was wrong when it was so innappropriate and wrong. His mum had said to him before he left if he should be doing that, and his reply was that hes family to mine. Someone like him, its hard to have consistant boundries, i break up with him and its not to him. I just put up with it. But at the same time when he is a bit sane, i have someone who cares and i can talk to. Its hard.
• My narcistic sister and her hyper self important kids are over for the easter. My sister is like a cold breeze. You cant talk to her she cant take any type of assertiveness and is extremely rude, yet my parents role out the red carpet of her demands even when they arent even said but expected. My dad always talking about trying to get her a house and get her money. She owes $500 to my parents and is a single mother (her husband when crazy) but she lives a life of luxury because she cares so much about looking middle class. Not that we arent exactly, but she goes and books a holiday interstate and so on even tho she owes money to mum and dad, even though she is so rude and slightly abusive to my mum when she needs her. She trumps everyone. She talks to her kids like a person having a verbal fight at a bar would. She swears and doesnt hold back. It fills the house with such stressfull uncomfortableness.
• I came out today and couldnt help say gee thats a bit crude reffering to her searing and the way she was talking to her daughter. Shed told her off for not putting more effort into her homework picture. Shes been helping or practically helping her do it all to make it perfect because my sister that is all she cares about an inflated ego. Did i mention she is narcistic.
• Which leads me to her reponse of me mentioning her crudeness. She straight back insults me in front of her kids and says she lives in the real world and that i dont get out and im a hermit sort of thing. I respond with you dont know what i do. And her response was just look at you, you can see you dont go out.

She was really mean directed at me in front of the kids. I tried to float it off and went outside but with everything lately in major depression and all the stress from everything. I had a big anxiety attack and had to go to my room.


My dad who was sitting in the room when it happens. When my sister went to the beach, he never said anything to my mum about it. He only talked about finding these coins in a tin worth $100 each to give to my sister so she can sell on ebay. Everything with my dad is always about getting my sister a house and making money in shares for her. Meanwhile she owes them $500 and is going interstate on a holiday. At the same time, me who has to devote my life to taking mum out all the time and my own car blew up, have been saving every coin of my pension except for bills like internet and groceries etc to get a new car which i know when i do i still wont escape with independence so much. My sister blows money on everything she cant do without. Shes so rude as well and yet shes got dads respect. I dont and never will get that. It just hurts alot even tho its more about her kids.

I write to rugs after my anxiety attack over what my sister said to me. Cause it hurt and i had noone else. He was too tired to really be interested much and was actually a bit rude at me and said he didnt want to know anymore about my family issues and wanted to rest. Yet hes the one who drops himself at mine every month in a meth rage and i have to help him despite it taking everything out of me and making me ill each time compounding.

Im just trying to survive at the moment but its hard i feel like i cant just be independent. My family lacks real respect for me, esp my dad. He has always been like that, prob worse since getting older. He never asks or communicates much - i just have to take him here or there or do this or that. If he decides to build a gazebo oh (me) will do this and this. I dont get a say. Then theres mum who desperately needs to have a social life and get out but dad is too involved in his own bowls and other things that he completely neglects mum and it all gets left onto me.
I have fatigue and depression anxiety and burnout from rugs over the years and so on and i find it hard having to do mum and dad stuff all the time and rugs and it makes it so difficult to even get off the ground myself with my own illness. I hate that ive gone backward and that people just see me as mentally ill still when i made huge strides and they dont see im not only battling my illness but im battling a drug addict (rugs) making drama in my life as well as codependent parents who lack respect of me being any bit independent. And at the same time Ive got no car and its just a waiting game of me crudely saving for 3-4 months to be able to get a new car. I mean i could get one now but im not going to get a used car with like 160 000 km am i lol. I want almost new so that it lasts and to do that i have to wait. Thing is my social phobia and depression has raised so much. Esp depression. I lack any independence atm. But at least i have some solace when i can. I just cannot wait til i get my new car and i can go out and so on. I had my car on its last legs for years because it was me when i was in a relationship with rugs driving him around everywhere, it was never even, even tho he had a better younger car ( his mum won it from a magazine years ago) he smoked in it which meant i couldnt tolerate sitting in there i got sick each time. So my car was used 100 percent everywhere we went. Now it doesnt work. Geez im really indulging in being a vicim here. At least i see that.

 

[grapevine]

A day after the aftermath of having my sister over and her children for 3 days of Easter weekend. I know that sounds bad, the kids are not that bad well one of them, the other one he issues, he needs constant attention has issues with being able to care about others.

But my sister on the other hand, shes like the Tasmanian devil of narcissism in the house that everyone has to roll the red carpet out for and obey.
The whole thing with me trying to keep afloat with my anxiety down when they are here is really hard. I cant have any independence other than make out im sleeping in my room at times. the kids dont have any spacial awareness so they are in your face the whole time and hyper the whole time. My sister is constantly yelling at them, even if its about nothing they have done wrong. Shes concerned about the smallest things that a kid shouldnt have to worry about but my sister who cares 100 percent about what others think ( and i dont mean us her family, i mean other people) and will yell at the kids for sitting on the floor and things like that. And when i say yell i mean a full on attack of swearing and belittling her kids in a horror show that is unlike the culture we have at home until shes over. It becomes stressful.

But the thing is she treats us like her servants and her and the kids do their things but it doesnt include us (me and my parents). They will go off to the beach and not ask us. They will take easter photos but it wont include us. Not even my dog is allowed in the photos. She has to care so much about her image on facebook and so on. But not actually care of what is important. She will take a photo of her and the kids all smilling but it will be a yelling match beforehand of her viscioulsy yelling at the kids to smile or what ever. The photo never shows the reality so to speak.

And im still reeling from her character assaination on me from a day ago even though they have gone home. All i said was geez thats a bit crude, and that was in refference to her swearing at one of her kids for not doing her homework drawing to the standard that she wanted. My sister ripped right into me and told me she lives in the real world unlike me and that i was a hermit basically and that i dont get out. I told her that she doesnt know what i do, she then said (and in front of the kids) to look around and that its pretty obvious the way i look and my surrounds and how i act that i dont get out. She said it very hurtfully in front of her kids to me and my dad just sitting there not caring. It was so painful for me. If one thing about social phobia and anxiety and depression is that you fear criticism. She nipped that in the bud direct right at me in front of everyone. It made me feel like nothing. And it wasnt just her, it was my whole family. My parents that make my sister seem like the queen is coming and having to roll out the red carpet. My mum has to cook this whole load of meals for my sister, im talking veg roasts and things like that, not easy stuff because my sister demands or more expects my mum do everything even though she is in her mid 70s. Yet i go to have some roast potatoes too and i get told off by my mum. They are for my sister. And i cant even get into the kitchen because my mum is in there cooking away and even when shes not the kids wont leave me alone so i dont really get a chance. I do manage to sneek some roast potatoes tho.
Then i get my dad always talking about all the shares he has invested in and how hes putting everything in to get my sister a house. Everything is about getting my sister money. Even my mum talks about it. Whether its a small amount or about the future. Its about my sister. For as long as i remember i have been neglected even when i really needed help. And it has been the reason why my social phobia and GAD and even a period in my 20s with agoraphobia came to be much worse and stunted any independent growth. Now i live in shame alot. My parents make me feel ashamed of myself and not worthy of the sort of concern or attention that my sister gets. It makes her comments she said to me that i dont know the real world far more worse. People who know my history know the unfairness and bad luck that i have overcome. And it has been at the hands of my dad and even my mum at times. Ive had to be my own help from the beginging. And that has been the result of how difficult things had been. So if im still at home and nearly 40, well so be it. I dont need to feel ashamed. How many people with SP and GAD had to walk for hours for transport because they had no avialable support from their parents. Or been at school and failing due to being raped and didnt know it but teachers couldnt get my parents to even come in and help. My dad would sit in the car and id have to get my mum in and she being deaf and having problems with understanding anything, it meant nothing. Or having to help my mum all the time and even my dad when i was the one that needed help. Having to feel like my independence is nothing and that because im not able to go off and live in the city or cope with my anxiety and not know anyone or able to go out back then that i couldnt even see a way out. There was no help. Any help has been from my own hands over the years. And ive gotten through some real nightmares on my own. Ive had to search out that help and had to educate and change my thinking to be able to even approach help. Ive had to do alot. And atm yeah i dont have a car right now, my parents despite me having to of drive them everywhere- my mum, they are more concerned with trying to get money for my sister than for me. Im in a waiting saving game of being really unable to go out or do anything until i save $12000 for a car. Which is going to take 4 or so months just to be in that situation. And in that time it has been very depressing because all i have done has had to drive my dad here and drive my mum there in their car and basically not have a life of my own at the same time have to deal with my parents care all about my sister and not even see the sevre depression im in. There is just no concern or seeing the pain and shame i secretely am in. And after having to deal with all that rugs stuff all the time with him in drug addiction and turning up in pyschosis every month and having to deal with it, its been really hard. I just form this bubble world of my own. I cant wait to get my car and work back on getting my independence back. But i never have it all completely. My mum cant drive and my dad only really cares about his own stuff and going to bowls and whatever. Mym mum wants to increase her outtings and get out have a social life and talks about when i get my car and taking her here and there. Its a struggle for me to carve out my own independent life from my parents because my mum being in her mid 70s and missing out on things because my dad isnt there to do that for her, it has to be me because i know what that feels like and understand. But its not fair when i get pushed aside like i dont have any goals and aspirations of my own. Its like my family think quite little of me, ike they would never even oocur to them the feelings i get of missing out on things myself in lifes stages of things. That i have in my head trying to find pathways to things like that. They just see me as someone at home and nothing else. If my dad goes and does something and needs me he doesnt asks its just i will do that and thats that. I have to drop everything for my parents to do stuff all the time. And it would ikely be the case even if i wasnt living here with them lol. I dont mind but in shame and depression it can be quite hard to see outside the dysfunctions of this family. When i was 16, and reeling from rape and sexual abuse as a teen i was so ashamed but didnt know why. I felt so ill. I couldnt do my school work, i hid in the trees at school all day i couldnt go into the classroom because the boy was there.Yet i didnt consciously know why i hid and why i was avoiding people. Then i found my dads huge stash of porn mags of the 80s in this cupboard and read one and it had an article about men and how if a woman says no it means yes or somehting like that , it had diagrams where to put your hands and so on and seduce a woman. I felt sick and literally ripped up prob 50 relic porn mags lol. The thing is my parents never said anything about it. They just punished me and said that i cant be trusted to be in the house on my own in the school holidays. They gave me the option of going out in the car with dad on his electrian jobs for the weeks or sitting at home on the block of land with a lunchbox and water and be locked outside. I chose the later because i was scared of my dad because of the porns lol. I thought that meant i was a target for sexual abuse. For years i thought that all boys and men couldnt help themselves and when they saw a girl or woman that they were a target to be raped at any time. For years i struggled with dressing anyway feminene. I thought that if i did i was a target. Esp around dad it felt very uncomfortable and i felt ashamed and scared. I couldnt talk to men either or boys. If my cousins were over i thought every body language meant somehting else. Id freak out. I didnt get my drivers liscence til i was about 30 because i thought i had to sit in a car with a guy. Ive lived in such more severe conscquences of reactions to things than should of been because i lacked the support that i needed. But anyways im far from those days. Im just trying to get on track with my self esteem and try to get up and healthy in my mind and body and create some self respect. I am automatic writing here so its just a way to see my thoughts that feels affective for me, sort of to get it all out and then feel less consumed and more in the mindful moment of today .

 

[Miserum]

So sorry you had to go through what I'm sure was a traumatic experience.

 

[Hoth]

Im in a waiting saving game of being really unable to go out or do anything until i save $12000 for a car.

Why $12000? Did you mean to write $1200, or are used cars 10x more expensive in your country?

 

[grapevine]

Been away from here for awhile.

Since Covid, used cars have gone up in price here. My sister recently opted for a brand new car rather than a used one, even though she couldnt afford a car being a single mother of two but it works out for her. Me on the other hand am looking for a newish second hand car with low kms. Since i havent worked in a few years now and am on disability pension, its kinda bit of a struglle to get a car loan and tho possible i feel too shy to find that out and am rather saving for a car instead in full. Ive been busy thrifting - ie buying from thrift stores things i can flip and make money from on ebay. Sounds kinda crude but youd be surprised people actually make a living doing this. I have loads of stuff i didnt end up selling many years ago when i worked at a thrift store and used to buy $5 bags of clothes in their sales and basically got all their good stuff lol (mind you they had so much stuff and didnt value what they had). Ive got nice tubs in my room full of precious high end brand shirts and tops as well as boots i never wore (worth $500), vintage stuff as well as so many dresses and so on new with the tags in my shed.

Id been thrifting buying vintage books sets for little price to sell for profit. This thrift store i used to work in (who botched on paying my super as well as actually paying my wages for weeks years ago until they downsized and let me go) i went into their small thrift store the other week and couldnt believe to find some vintage band tshirts from the 90s. One was red hot chilli peppers 96 world tour and the design is not made anymore, basically that one alone retails at about $500 because its quite rare. I couldnt believe my luck, and two other band shirts from 96, worth about $150 each and another vintage tshirt from that era- they charged me around $15 for the lot and had no idea lol. I even bought RM Williams boots (high end leather aussie country boots) in good condition, from them for $20 that sell second hand around $150 - $250. Lol.

So months earlier id been quite depressed. It was a low point. My thinking was shockingly depressing and i just had to get through it and try to be kind to myself. It really was like a dark tunnel. I felt so bad for myself and my situation and like a victim, being crushed by everyone around me. Rugs had disappeared and I didnt know what was up with him being so ill himself with on off psychosis and nobody letting me know what was going on at all. I had fears of him coming over to my place in the middle of the night in some sort of psychotic rage or something. I had no car (still dont) so my basic independence was skewed as going out was and still is on the back end of my parents if i had to drive my mum somewhere using dads car, i could go somewhere etc. Yet his car is on its last legs. Rugs had helped me out taking me a few places but he has been really unwell.

 

[grapevine]

So about rugs.
So a 3-4 weeks ago he spent 20 days in the mental health ward at the hospital. I hadnt heard from him except a message where he was angry and confused with everyone. Then nothing. It wreaked havock with my anxiety and depression. For weeks there was nothing from him. Prior to that he always messaged me daily with good morning and letting me know what he was up to for the day that kind of thing. Then nothing. So i knew something was up and id been in so many situations with him when hed actually been in pyschosis and drug psychosis and delusional and all the rest. Really disturbing times each time. And id always been there because he would just turn up and be out of it. It was always smack in my face with no boundaries.
Then there were the times when he decided not to see me anymore. Him in his dream world and unable to capture reality of things let alone fews from someone other than himself, this is someone that i had not been able to rely on as a friend because he has been so so mentally ill and yet id keep doing it. Basically tolerating him at 3-4 years of extreme mentally unstable behavior, with him being unable to recognise that and still being in a relationship with me but me being in just a friendship with him. Me being the desperate one, been dwindled down to such low points trying to cope with all the anxiety from him and his illness that i burnt out and got ill and time gone by and ive lost who i used to be and basically been holding by a thread to try and get myself back up again. My basic needs of having a friend, someone who i know and can talk with and can come over or go out with- that is what i relied on him for even though in reality it was just me talking to him and him not being able to really converse much at all or interact with me. But that was okay because it was at least something different to the years of being alone living with my parents and not seeing anyone for over 15 years. To have him over meant i was 'different'.
But things with him have been so unwell lately. So i didnt know that he had gone to a mental hospital in isolation. Apparently he had threatened his mum with a knife, though he says it wasnt exactly what happened. But he got man handled by the police and taken to the hospital and isolated for weeks. He got put in the open ward after and then went out to smoke where he then walked off and walked for kilometers and walked into a river and then through a neighborhood at about 2 in the morning on a winters night mind you. He had to spend more time in isolation ward where he was high in anxiety. I only knew all of this because i reached out and messaged the mother because i hadnt heard from him in over a week. He has a sister about 5 years younger than me and she knows about me and my history and is very close with rugs her brother. I wouldve thought she wouldve reached out and at least let me know he was unwell at the time and in hospital because i was in agony in my anxiety not knowing what was going on. It just felt so cruel and like i dont matter. I know if that was me i wouldve sent a little message to her to let her know. Actually, that week i found out hed been in the hospital for a week i accidently happened to bump into rugs mum at the local shopping centre carpark and rugs sister was there, she so rudely didnt say hello and just walked past me and straight into the shops whilst i talked to her mum about rugs. I know she was prob going thru alot but i could never act like that to anyone. It was very rude to me, even tho its not to do with me.

So rugs has been out of hospital for about 2 weeks and a few days and he was put on different anti-psychotic medication. e was put on heavy high dosage medication in tablet form. It left him so dopey it was like he was a different person. He shouldnt of been driving on that as it delays his responses, but anyways. So after about a week and a bit he decides to not take the medication and does this in secret. Yesterday i went out with him thrifting. He drove in his car and seemed okay. His sister tagged along and she was a bit weird and never explained herself. Both of them act out weirdly and never really are able to take emotional responsibility for their actions from beforehand but they both have a type of schizophrenia.

So yesterday was okay and i got some things from the shops to resell. But this morning, I wake up and i felt like id been hit by a truck - got a bad cold/flu (not covid), and felt the worst. I wake up and read a message from rugs basically giving me an ultimatum about how he had been 'disturbed' in his words all night and that he feels he cant be around me unless i go get a property (his words) with him and live with him and have kids with him and that if i cant provide that with him that theres no point in being with me.

You can see where his faults lie in his mind. Firstly, altho in a relationship with him, he cant see himself and reality. And ive had to deal with that. I told him on a few occassions i just want to be friends but unless hes said it , it never got through to him. Of course i have cared for him. Its like if someone familiar, someone who if you squinted your eyes you could see that happy ever after - where you have a loyal man by your side and pave the future. But its not that at all. He cant see anything properly, he has brain damage from meth, pychosis and others. He has lost the abilty for his brain to plan and see reality when it comes to the future. You cant interject either because he easily gets offended and his brain goes in one direction mostly, the cognitivity of reasoning lacks. Its just a sad situation and i know ive been in the murky muddy waters of it for years. But i try not to think like that.

So anyways he left that message and then once again i havent heard from him. And once again it gives me really bad anxiety and depression. I feel dumped and alone again. Each time, it really isnt a nice thing. I guess its made worse by my parents who i cant really talk to about it because they dont want to know about rugs they are sick of him and have no respect for him because of his odd behaviour over the years here and the stress on me. To put me in in turmoil like that is not nice. But i know he is unwell. It takes me a week to adjust and get on with myself. Its just that silence and not knowing whats going on. Not knowing if hes going to turn up here, or if hes been out of his mind, been violent or hurt himself. Those things plague me in my anxiety and i just find it so hard to get them out. All the other times and now, i decide not to care, that its easier for me to forget and move forward even if i feel sad, upset and lonely and dumped and so on. Even if i feel angry, hurt and frustrated. Its mainly the silence. Its like it does something to my brain.
But anyways, i just try not to think about it and feel freedom a bit. But the agony of not knowing what state of mind he is in really can get to me. So last time (last month) when he disappeared on me. He phoned me and said he might as well not hang out with me anymore because i dont tell him i love him and his mum doesnt either. And then i never heard from him for 2-3 weeks and had no idea what was going on and severe anxiety over it because who knows a person like that in a state.

Turns out he actually went round the town and did weird things. He was driving and in some sort of weird state, pyschosis. He stopped his car and followed a group of people doing some kind of trust blindfold test - some religious group and joined in following them and saying weird things that he was jesus. He went to the tourism site of the town and laid on the ground and asked people to take a photo of him, he followed a couple right behind him to a pub where the man told him to go away, he interjected into an old lady's photo she was taking of her friends, he chased a woman in a car, he followed a man in a van thinking that he was the fruit shop man and suspicious he was in the library carpark and then the hospital lol, he asked his neighbors for a threesome (they have 3 little kids) he did alot of weird things. Half he cant remember. I am sick and tired of caring at this point and yet i still do and that is for peice of mind. Its like, each time and there have been hundreds of incidents and times where hes been off his head either on drugs or just his own scizophrenia where you just have to take yourself away from the moment and not be present. Where you give up on that person because there is no sanity there. How many times you do that. And then they expect you to rely on them and so on. They get well and make you trust them again and then follow by going crazy again and it creates an anguish in you, you get exausted and feel so alone. I feel so alone it in because my parents dont care about it. They worry and get concerned about my sisters ex husband being mildly abusive but they dont want to know about me and my issues with rugs in and out of my life as a friend.

I have to wait each few months to talk to my therapist about it. In any case, im just trying to put it all behind me and concentrate on my thrifting adventure and getting my new car. I start taking my photos soon, i bought photo lights years ago and never used them. Now im really into it and ready to get all my photos done and listings next week. First tho, i gotta get through my narci sister and her kids coming over tomorrow for which my mum rolls out the red carpet. And this flu i have. It wont stop her from coming over even in a pandemic. I just want to swipe over, this year has been very hard. But i want to roll up my sleeves and achieve a few things to give back to myself. I want to work on my self care once again too.
This flu like the last one though has given me a very swollen rashy glands under my chin and neck, its not nice .

 

[PugofCrydee]

Been away from here for awhile.

Since Covid, used cars have gone up in price here. My sister recently opted for a brand new car rather than a used one, even though she couldnt afford a car being a single mother of two but it works out for her. Me on the other hand am looking for a newish second hand car with low kms. Since i havent worked in a few years now and am on disability pension, its kinda bit of a struglle to get a car loan and tho possible i feel too shy to find that out and am rather saving for a car instead in full. Ive been busy thrifting - ie buying from thrift stores things i can flip and make money from on ebay. Sounds kinda crude but youd be surprised people actually make a living doing this. I have loads of stuff i didnt end up selling many years ago when i worked at a thrift store and used to buy $5 bags of clothes in their sales and basically got all their good stuff lol (mind you they had so much stuff and didnt value what they had). Ive got nice tubs in my room full of precious high end brand shirts and tops as well as boots i never wore (worth $500), vintage stuff as well as so many dresses and so on new with the tags in my shed.

Id been thrifting buying vintage books sets for little price to sell for profit. This thrift store i used to work in (who botched on paying my super as well as actually paying my wages for weeks years ago until they downsized and let me go) i went into their small thrift store the other week and couldnt believe to find some vintage band tshirts from the 90s. One was red hot chilli peppers 96 world tour and the design is not made anymore, basically that one alone retails at about $500 because its quite rare. I couldnt believe my luck, and two other band shirts from 96, worth about $150 each and another vintage tshirt from that era- they charged me around $15 for the lot and had no idea lol. I even bought RM Williams boots (high end leather aussie country boots) in good condition, from them for $20 that sell second hand around $150 - $250. Lol.

So months earlier id been quite depressed. It was a low point. My thinking was shockingly depressing and i just had to get through it and try to be kind to myself. It really was like a dark tunnel. I felt so bad for myself and my situation and like a victim, being crushed by everyone around me. Rugs had disappeared and I didnt know what was up with him being so ill himself with on off psychosis and nobody letting me know what was going on at all. I had fears of him coming over to my place in the middle of the night in some sort of psychotic rage or something. I had no car (still dont) so my basic independence was skewed as going out was and still is on the back end of my parents if i had to drive my mum somewhere using dads car, i could go somewhere etc. Yet his car is on its last legs. Rugs had helped me out taking me a few places but he has been really unwell.

Welcome back

 

[grapevine]

Thank you : )

 

[grapevine]

So im going to write because i feel a bit anxious still. So Rugs had messaged me this morning saying he was disturbed last night and he basically gave me an ultimation and didnt think he could hang out with me anymore. Then i hear nothing. He recently went to the mental hospital in isolation for weeks and on heavy antipsychotic medication and a change from the norm. Ive been in a close relationship with him for 5 -6 years. He stopped taking his meds the last few days and starting acting out last night from what i gather. I havent heard from him, then i get a message from his mum asking if shes seen him, that was 5 hours ago i jsut looked. So i hope everything is alright. He could be in psychosis somewhere, a danger to himself or others. Im tired of this making me horridly anxious and sick. Im tired of not being able to express myself with my family, they dont want to know and my mum will say the worst things. Anyways my anxiety.
So i wrote back and it seems rugs is out of it again, i think because he hadnt taken his medication and hes been real aggressive and dismissive towards his mum. He actually rang the ambulance for her and they came lol. He wanted his mum to know what it was like to go in the ambulance and go to hospital to the mental ward. Hes quite verbally abusive aggressive atm she said, hes not well again. He wont sleep. His sister wont come out her room, shes scared. The mother rang the mental health team and they said ring the doctor and his doctor isnt in. She has to wait til tomorrow if hes in. He can come and give rugs anti psychotic jab i guess and a sedative i think. The system is broken. I knew this was going to end up bad. For one, they couldnt make him responsible to take his medication himself each night, it shouldve started with the needles if they do that. Its funny tho, how different he can be on medication and off it. when on it hes no threat, hes compliant and its stress free although hes dopey and unable to respond much or do much. You can understand why you wouldnt want to be on them at first. But just going off it , a powerful drug has consquences and hes been off it for days with no anti psychotic in his system and has now become hostile, mentally abusive and out of his mind. See how this goes.

 

[grapevine]

After a few days of turmoil thanks to rugs, im dealing with the emotional adjustments once again. I know its healthy to not have someone so unstable and so mentally ill in my life. I know i need to get through all my emotions and not repress them.
He rang me up the other day and told me it we arent going out anymore (not that we really were anyways), i tried to have a conversation with him - i ask whats he been up to (i knew from his mother that hed been ill and not sleeping and been out of character, hostile and psychotic) and talks over me and tells me we arent going out anymore, as if to tell me i dont get to know those things anymore, yet he was the one who rang lol.
Thing is he has no idea the amount of emotional stress and turmoil he puts over everyone. He has no idea what ive been through from him over the years really, he cant see things from that way. But after 3 years ago it got so bad to a point that i just couldnt invest my time and emotional energy with him and to be honest he really struggled to even converse or be present and involved with another. Im talking as friends here. I just took what i could and always saw the illness as not him but just something that was.
But him being on meth was a whole other thing, that started to rev up once he got on his pension. And from there it was a case of me dealing with a constant psychotic. It was a nightmare and for me with an anxiety disorder and having to get over the trauma over and over as it wreaked havoc over my mind and my body. He just will never realise this. Id kinda think over and over everytime hed return to earth and be able to see how bad he has been over the years and how that has impacted those around him, but he never really quite got there. A few times he had but not the scope of it really. Im writing this because i guess its always been about him and his craziness that would push my anxiety and replay things in my mind over and over and the broad emotions would come with it. Over time though, ive had to just not care. When someone is constantly pulling full dramas on themselves to your door and no boundaries, and your constantly helping them and using so much energy to understand and calm them down and so on and doing that on a monthly, weekly basis for years it makes you so burnt out and numb and yet for me i kept continuing to do that. The amount of stress and not being able to think well, its like it did something to my brain. I wish he knew these things and altho im indulging in victim mentality, its just nurturing the woe me for a bit, trying to digest things once again in auto writing form.

So the last few days i felt so flat, so alone, so non-independent. Its a feeling i had for years and years prior to getting better from SP. Before i met rugs and before i started working back in 2015, for the decade and more before that, i was home, i didnt drive, i didnt go out much at all and i was at home with my parents and basically life going past me. I hated the news and the tv because they would show 'life' and all the things i was basically missing out on. I lived in shame so badly and really, neglect from my parents half to try to help me - they just accepted me like that and really they being dysfunctional anyways and my mum being deaf and sort of dyslexic in a way and my dad having some sort of avoidance personality, it was really up to me to help myself, which i eventually did after my 20s . I know?!

My point being, that rugs was someone that was unwell from the begining and i was so lonely and had issues with assertiveness and low self esteem i just went with it. He became a tonic for me to get over the fear of men and to be able to associate with people and realise i didnt need to be ashamed of myself and my situaltion so much. So things arent all black and white.

Its just that rugs knew all my history of abuse and knew that i was in a low point at the moment (not that he knew alot of it was from dealing with him and his illness over the years). Rugs knew that i dont have a car atm, not since January, he knew that i couldnt really go out anywhere living where i live and that i had to rely on borrowing my dads car which now has broken down itself (that he didnt know). He did know tho, that my dad did not like me using his car much because it was on its last wheels so to speak. Rugs knew also that i had nobody else to associate with socially than with him atm too. Its like due to circumstances my life has turned into very very little atm. And altho thats to do with me, i still feel a bit hurt and angry at rugs because over the years (5-6 years) ive had to forget about myself alot of the times and help him, and think about him and be empathetic and understanding to him even when it was putting me i felt in my grave with illness from it. There were times i just couldnt breathe and times i felt like i had lost my brain and unable to think or remember things. I felt empathetic to him and would push what little i had in me left to help him so many times. Trying to talk to someone in pyschosis and calm them down is like having a migraine. And yet, he goes and gives me an ultimatium and basically tells me hes not going to see me anymore except for every now and then around or something. I would never do something like that to him. I mean, people with schizophrenia have unseen depression and so on- i would never do anything to add to the unstability in him. Altho, over the years it was a battle with me. Even when i wanted to essentially 'dump' him, even if i said i just wanted to be friends , he would never take it in or even hear me out. I couldnt even establish boundaries with him anyways. Everything was all him, so all i had left was to ignore him and his dramas somewhat, sort of concentrate on my own things when i could and limit the times with him. If he wanted to go out somewhere, then he had to organise it and so on because i used to do every single thing. I would go out with him places but only if it served me really. Sounds cruel, but i always made an effort to engage and accept him when around him and i cant say he could really do the same so much , but its not his fault. But being in the car with him unwittingly knowing he had been on meth and in a gradual pyschotic state and having those experiences over quite so many times and never knowing when they were going to happen, i mean it always just felt like i was the one leaning in to care about him and the friendship and he was the one doing anything for himself.

So now i have the freedom to do my things without the stress of him. But at the same time im facing lonliness and lack of any social activity because i cannot go out anywhere because i dont have a car yet and my dads car hopefully gets fixed tomorrow. Its a lonely road but i need to feel these emotions to release them. I feel so stuck. There was no room for me to say anything to rugs. He likely will be back because he was in pyschosis when he told me our relationship was over, what ever that meant to him. I feel excited at the same time because im just trying to concentrate on thrifting on eBay and get an income, hopefully in the future be something that i can rely on over the pension. I feel that its somehting i can really profit from esp with my SP and lack of experience, working for myself sounds good for the time being. I feel like even if rugs returns, i wanna show myself what i can do when i put my mind to things and create an income for myself, as well as work on my self care once again.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on in awhile.

Bit anxious today because i have been on the phone with a car salesman inquiring about a car and wanting finance, and then upfront telling the guy im on disability pension is that okay? He has to talk to his financer and will ring me back. Argh the worst anxiety. I feel embarressed and ashamed and i know i shouldnt. I mean, surely it happens often people getting loans whilst on disability right?

So he rang back and asked what my annual income was and if it was under a certain number but was able to get me a special loan. I guess what he didnt know is that i have good savings and good credit and not many bills and would be able to pay the loan rates only with my anxiety over the phone when he said $80 a week and in my head that came to $1600 a fortnight rather than $160 ( which is totally doable for me) i said i coudnt afford it lol. Thats what anxiety does to me and i hate that i havent got anyone to help me over the phone really. I guess tho this morning i had to talk to my mums cochlear specialist and then other people rang up as well as doing ebay , so i was multi tasking too. I had a little cry because i was embarressed of the whole thing with the stress of the car stuff ergh.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on here again in some time. Tbh, ive been so busy with eBay selling that it had taken over all my time.

Ive been on and off quite depressed and full of anxiety.
Its been nearly a year with no car. Since the pandemic car prices here have shot up and ive basically not have a life since January 2021 basically. Ive been saving my disability pension as mauch as i can and selling stuff online to make up for my bills. Ive got a few months to go before i feel comfortable getting a small loan so that i have comfortable savings as well as a 80 percent paid off car and a manageable loan. But its been depressing.

I let my eBay reselling take over my life and I basically couldnt even move in my room as i had the whole set up in there, table, lights, boxes etc. Ive only this few days declared i needed a balance and cleared my room to the most basic tools for ebay.

 

[grapevine]

Havent been on here again in some time. Tbh, ive been so busy with eBay selling that it had taken over all my time.

Ive been on and off quite depressed and full of anxiety.
Its been nearly a year with no car. Since the pandemic car prices here have shot up and ive basically not have a life since January 2021 basically. Ive been saving my disability pension as mauch as i can and selling stuff online to make up for my bills. Ive got a few months to go before i feel comfortable getting a small loan so that i have comfortable savings as well as a 80 percent paid off car and a manageable loan. But its been depressing.

I let my eBay reselling take over my life and I basically couldnt even move in my room as i had the whole set up in there, table, lights, boxes etc. Ive only this few days declared i needed a balance and cleared my room to the most basic tools for ebay.

Its been very hard to not be able to go out. For almost 11 months. Its really played havoc on my social phobia, self esteem and more than anything depression and anxiety. I feel like everyone is living around me, but i have to wait to live mine and at the same time , ive lost so many years, a decade even to mental illness and trauma and like a cruel sentence when i was getting over it and starting to live my life and i meet a full on schizophrenic drug addict that killed my mental and physical health and have had to go through dealing with him in and out of my life for 6 years and now i am waiting to get my car. A year of my life for a stupid car.
$16 000 for a used car, i mean really. Its so pathetic. But i want lo km, and i want something to last. For someone just on a disability pension and able to save, its still quite a bit of money.

I hate how my dad is so concerned with getting my sister a house. Im tired of him going on and on about his shares going up and getting to $200,000, about $40,000 more than they were a year ago and being eager to get her a house where she wants one. She comes first my older sister apparrently because she has kids. Fair enough. Her husband and her separated because he wasa cheating abusive and mentally unstable person. He doesnt give her any child support money or anything and terrorizes her time to time. So i get it. Fair enough. But the feeling that rot in me just dont go away. It really hurts sometimes like a bleeding of my stomach or something, like my gut is kicking me, like a tightness in my throat. It can really hurt sometimes.

It hurts because whilst i had been thru hell and back a few times in my life with truama and sexual abuse and how that has lead my life into a repressed state and battled agoraphobia in early 20s, as well as neglectful parenting style- i came to feel i was nothing. Esp in my teens living isolated and not being able to go anywhere because my dad would get angry to have to take me. I was sexually abused at 14 by a boyfriend i thought was romance and would go out of my body so to speak, to then that crashing down on me and finding my reality back and becoming repressed. Being punished without being told why for ripping up my dads porn mags at age 14 because i thought they represented rape and didnt understand it. I found them by accident. I was left locked out of the house on our block of land with no trees around and out from the town with a lunch and drink bottle in the height or summer or choose to spend the day in the car with my dad who was an electrician. I wouldnt even go near my dad or any male because i was terrified of them and thought i was a sexual target even to look at or be around. Every part of me was distressed then. I wet the bed from 14 to 24. Every night.
Age 24 and i start to go good and then i meet a guy online on a body dysmorphia forum who makes me feel not alone and asks me to go out of my comfort zone, fly my first plane by myself and go meet him interstate. After sometime, out of agoraphobia, i did and then i was raped and emotionally abused and at the same time experience such independence in a city like i never had before. I came home with an eating disorder and emotionally and physically abused and burnt out. For 6 months i walked everywhere all day into the ealy night. I did a forrest gump. I just needed to move and be in control of my body. Then i slept in the day for the next 6 months and i dont think i even saw the dalylight and hadly ate, i remember eating cold baked beans for breakfast which would be around 5 in the afternoon, waking up to the day being over was horrible. It took alot of self pushing to get me up in the daylight and start looking after myself and walking again, eating well etc.

Then i ended up just a background person again. What i mean by that is someone who is like a shadow and isnt living thier own life. I easily get stuck in this role at home and this is why it hurts. Because whilst ive had large parts of my life trying to heal and get up from my past and basically have years and years of hiberbation which could account to almost a decade really with movement in between i guess, my sister was living a rich life and not having any of those issues , doing all the things that a person would do, going overseas, working, going to parties, having relationships and eventually getting married and having two kids and even going overseas with them - to disney land and other places. In all that time, i had been suffereing but not been seen. In my parents eyes thats just me. Theres no help there. My mum is partly disabled, deaf and with a cochlea implant and has limited vocabulary and patience with hearing and bad listening and understanding skills and my dad is almost like someone on the spectrum- someone who almost cant communicate unless its about his own stuff. Altho my mum is one of the best parents around, i still have had a neglected parenting childhood which has and still does leave me with emense low self esteem.

Especially when my dad is so concerned with getting my sister a house and for her kids. My sister being a kind of narcissist. For instance my mum will go into town and babysit for her and her being vegan like myself (tho i respect others and never put my views onto people), tells my mum off because she bought a fruit juice like little cartons of milk for herself for coffee- my sister tells her off and tries to throw it in the bin, despite my mum just bought it. My sister doesnt care. She can be really horrible and she was horrible to me at the start of this year verbally abusivily nasty to me and my dad never said a thing even though he was there. I never said anything so bad as to provoke such an attack but ever since it left me shaken esp because it was basically saying i dont live in the real world and that im a hermit and look at me and so on- she said this in front of her kids. And she said all that just because i uttered that it was a bit harsh as she was telling her child off for drawing something for homework not as good as she could and my sister was swearing at her. I couldnt help but step in.

Anyways, here i am waiting to get myself a car so i can have independence back. I live at home on the gorgeus block of land with my chickens, garden and my dog and with my parents. Its 5 acres of pure heaven views, and it keeps me sane. The trees i helped plant over 20 years ago are now sky high and home to many wildlife. Its part of me this place. So i toggle with my independence and try to get out of this co-dependence with my mum who needs me for her hearing and being able to drive her places.
My dad neglects my mum. All he does in his old car, is go to lawn bowls all the time and have his life whilst my mum and i are basically at home most of the time and cant go out until i get my car. Its been alot of pressure and no help from family.
My mum and i go out at least 1 -2 times a week - mum goes out to dinner with her friends and i drive here and dad and then we also go groceery shopping. Thats about it. If we want to go out more my dad will complain to us about petrol even though everything he goes on about is always hypocritical as he talks like that but goes off whenever he wants and goes to the pokies and spends big there or wants to go get takeaway. Its like we can use his car but there will come a time he will complain. His car being on its last legs anyways and i know that when i get my new car im likely going to have to drive him everywhere because he woult get his own because everything is about geting my sister an $$ house. When i got my first car, because my dad helped me get it from interstate and helped drive it back home, he parked his car at my sisters and then later told her she could have it and without asking me, told her that i would just drive him everywhere. And i ended up whilst i was studying at a college, having to wait for 2 plus hours in the car 3 times a week for him at lawn bowls and not being able to do my homework at home on my computer because of it. I would have to walk into a room full of boozy old men and would feel uncomfortable and then have to let dad know i was there and he would say he would be out in 20 mins but end up more like 2 hrs. It would suck and i felt like nothing. I felt like once again being held back.

 

[grapevine]

My dad lost his car keys the other day. Because i was the last person to use them, he assumed i had lost them. For two days we looked everywhere and i turned my room upside down and spent hours outside in a paddock trying to find them. At one point i needed to wrap an ebay item ready to send and id been doing nothing but looking for the keys for hours and hours. The minute i sit to do that and my dad starts yelling at me asking me how much i have in the bank and wanting me to go out and buy a car with him, to go halves in a brand new car. I kept saying no. He got really angry and basically told me it was my responsibilty to get him to lan bowls by the next day as he had a tournament on in another town. So i get up and basically ring rugs to try and help me. He comes over and asks my mum if shes checked under their bed and there were the keys. Dad had had them last afterall and just couldnt remember. I was secretly crying in rugs arms after that ordeal. Dad never said anything to me, never apologised. Nothing. He just tells mum off because she made him help her push the bed so she could make it the days earlier so it was her fault according to him.

I feel like my social phobia and is really now a matter of circumstance more than the illness.

I just want to feel like im living. the heartbreak it feels to be my age turning 39 and no prospects, no children wanting children and being even able to really consider it financially or anything.

Having to pass old family friends in the supermarket with my mum and get shown all these photos of thier grandkids over and over and be like a shadow, my mum talking about my sister but like im the elephant in the room.
To be told my sister gets a house because she comes first because has kids and its just the way it is. Its heart breaking because ive always wanted kids and now im approaching 40 and it feels like its too late. The worst thing is that my whole family dont see this. They dont see how depressing and excruciating it is to not be able to live a life atm and for a few years and just put it like thats me and thats that. Theres no help there from them. Theres no acknowledgement of me as an independent person with needs and so on. And its heartbreaking for me. I feel like i live this painful emptiness and heartbreak and lost time in my gut all the time.Im ableto overcome it with appreciation and mindfulness most days. I just feel like i have to show my family im a person really. I feel like i have push myself on my own all the time like i have in the past. Thing is, what happens as ive been over the hill before is i realise how petty it all is and i dont need to proove myself.
But atm i feel like i need for me to show my worth through self care and pushing boundaries and getting a car .

 

[grapevine]

Haven't been on in a while. I turned 40 the other day. As I reflect, I find it very strange to have social phobia blanketing most of my adult life and then turning 40.
There are different types of functioning with social phobia. There are those that can function enough at times in their lives and those that can't. Those that may go through added traumas on top of social phobia and those that haven't. Yet, we are all in the same boat somewhat in different degrees of life, and can always help one another.

I've had trauma in my young adult life and rather than support, I had more trauma, as well as isolation and a lack of help and resources even at home. These things like any other person with SP can create patterns in our adult lives. For me its been patterns of severe social phobia and isolation which manifests into anxiety/depression and severe loneliness as well as a quite bad self-esteem and loss of identity and toxic shame.

I've had periods, many periods of facing my own adversity and always falling back on motivation and can do it attitude. And achieved things in those moments. I know what it's like to put your mind to something and dig yourself out of anxiety depression and intense low self-esteem and social inadequacy and fear. I also know what it's like to feel so free of it and so light and happy when you find a space in your life where things seem to be okay for once and social phobia and all that comes with it have been knuckled down upon. And then, like the ebb and flow of things, it can come back with an all-mighty crash and drown the heck out of you once again.

That's where unfortunately I am today.

The all-mighty-kick-yourself moments. Back to square one. Again!

Thing is, Ive been in this space for an insulting 5 years!

What was it I read the other day? - 'Rumination can sometimes be caused by having a tendency to overvalue your relationships with others so much that you'll make large personal sacrifices to maintain your relationships, even if they are not working for you'.

Well, I laughed and identified with that one.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Happy belated birthday Grapevine

 

[grapevine]

Happy belated birthday Grapevine

Thanks