Mind of Malice

[MaliceInWickedland]

*Deep breath* OKAY. Here we go:

Today's journal entry is proving to be quite a b**** for me to type up. Trying to figure out where to begin is reducing my brain to microscopic mush…

Well… I’ve been off and on about this site for a while now. I’ve been dealing with so many mixed emotions and my mind is just scattered everywhere right now.

On a very good note, my godmother and her family relocated to the Midwest. Apparently they had bought some land over in Wisconsin a long time ago and I’m guessing her son’s trying to start a new life over there. Thank God they never found out about us living in the same city as them. I’ll keep hoping that they stay over there in Wisconsin for the rest of their lives so my mom and I never have to worry about them again.

That’s not what I’m here to type my fingers to arthritis on though. It’s something much more enlightening than that. Well, enlightening for me at least. I can’t say the same for you poor generous souls that bother to take even a glance at this ridiculously-longer-than-usual post of mine.

My day today was simply… life changing. Not in a bad way. It just really opened my eyes to life and I feel like all of the self-loathing that’s weighed me down practically my entire life has finally been lifted off my shoulders.

It’s a really long story, but I’m sure you guys have had enough of my nasty habit of rambling so I’m going to reduce the length of this journal post by half. Yes, it was twice as long before if you could believe that. You’re welcome ::

So let’s get one thing straight: I’m not.

…

See what I did there? …No? Guess I wasn’t blunt enough.

Today was the day I came out of the proverbial closet as a bisexual.

…

No need for double-takes my dears. You read that correctly…

*Sighs* See Malice? That wasn’t so hard now was it?

To think that I’ve had these feelings bottled inside my heart like poison all these years, thinking that my coming out would completely shatter the image the people closest to me have of me and for what?? I’ve received nothing but acceptance and love from the few people I’ve come out to thus far. I obviously can’t expect to get the same reaction from others with homophobia retarding the public’s ability to think outside the box. Plus all the crap I went through in jr. high with my sexuality will always serve as a reminder to me of how cruel people are and how careful I have to be about who I come out to.

My best friend was the first person I told and I was really surprised to discover that she’s bisexual too. I came out to her a few weeks ago but I didn’t consider myself to be officially out of the closet until today when I told my mother the truth. She was the one person that made me tremble in my shoes at the thought of telling her about my sexuality. She usually made anti-gay slurs and jokes and while I knew she didn’t mean any harm by them it still hurt me, especially when I had to play along and act like her jokes weren’t daggers being driven through my heart. The bigger roadblock for me was that I felt disgusted with myself for being attracted to girls after my mom was molested by one (a family member no less) when she was very young.

Knowing all that crushed any hopes I had of her accepting me and you can only imagine how shocked I was to hear her say right away that she accepts this part of me, let alone say she’s proud of me for coming out to her. It just broke my heart when she asked if she ever did or said anything to make me this way. That’s when I went ahead and told her about everything I went through in jr. high and that was the breaking point for her. She was so angry at herself for “allowing” these things to happen to me. What I wanted to avoid the most was her feeling guilty for what I am and I made that happen by shutting her out all these years. I feel so terrible knowing that I did more harm by trying to do what I thought to be the right thing.

Well… no use in regretting the past. What’s done is done and it’s nice to know that things didn’t turn out anywhere near as bad as I imagined they would. Naturally it was a very emotional experience for both my mom and I, but all that’s ever been needed to be said has been said and for once in my life I can say that I am at peace with myself.

I no longer have to conceal the part of me that’s always been there. I no longer have to force myself to be with guys simply because my religious upbringing and society calls for it. I no longer have to be sorry for who I am.

I’m bisexual and I’m happy.

I’m not saying all my troubles in life are over just yet. Of course there will always be problems. Life is a story and conflict is an element necessary to make the story evolve. I may be able to accept myself for who I am and be able to look at myself in the mirror without cringing in disgust, but the bigger task at hand now is being accepted by people in general. That’s a goal I'll probably never achieve.

A world where everyone accepts each other will never exist. It’s human nature to challenge the things in life that are beyond our understanding and a species that consists of individuals with so many contradicting beliefs could never truly co-exist without dispute. That’s just the world we live in and I’m fully aware of that. I just want to be able to openly show this side of me without having to keep my heart chained down by homophobes. It’ll be quite the challenge but it’s one I’m more than willing to accept, especially knowing that I’m not alone in this fight.

Well… I hope this journal entry wasn’t too shocking or sappy for you guys. It’s just so hard for me to take in the fact that my self-esteem has been rekindled after so many years of hating myself over something that doesn’t even define me as a person. I’m just so full of confidence and relief right now and it’s such an amazing feeling. One I thought I would never be able to experience again...

Okay Malice, enough rambling!!! I’ve given you guys enough of a headache with this journal entry of ungodly proportions so I’ll just shut up now and let you guys breathe again.

Good day to you all

 

[Pyrophosphate]

On a very good note, my godmother and her family relocated to the Midwest. Apparently they had bought some land over in Wisconsin a long time ago and I’m guessing her son’s trying to start a new life over there....

...What? They came here (to where I am) of all places? That's a good note?

Also, congrats on your new-found happiness.

 

[Section_31]

Wow.

thats very brave of you Malice, and i for one commend, and respect you for being gutsy enough to do it. I dont know that many of us could do the same. The fact you are at peace with yourself, that youve realized this is who you are, is somthing that many of us never find in a lifetime. I for one, am very proud of you.

you may have a difficult road ahead of this in terms of dealing with your mother and her thoughts on this. And i want to say if you ever need anything, were all here for you. Im sure it also felt good to be able to talk to a friend who understands....most of us dont have that.

I can only hope when faced with a similiar situation that i could be as brave as you.

Again, congrats, and i hope that you're able to feel much better about yourself now that youve recognized a very important part of you.

Stay strong girl!

 

[MikeyC]

Malice, that is awesome. I'm so happy for you and coming out takes a whole lot of balls! You managed to unleash everything and it's no wonder you feel weightless. It's years and years of repression finally being released into the world.

Forget the homophobes. They're just being ignorant. Plus it's 2012 and it's more accepted now that people are gay or bi.

Malice, nothing but admiration from this side! Well done to you and may your happiness last forever and ever!

 

[Phoenixx]

It's wonderful to see you finally regaining all this self-esteem back, Malice. I'm so glad you're happier now, especially with coming out and lifting that weight off your shoulders. It's great your mom and your friend accept that, and I don't see why they shouldn't. Even though I'm not gay, all the homosexual comments, insults, etc. still take a stab at me too. It makes me sad, and angry, to see people single out and ridicule others based on their sexuality. (Of course it's saddening to see anyone get ridiculed no matter what it's based on.) But, like you said...

A world where everyone accepts each other will never exist. It’s human nature to challenge the things in life that are beyond our understanding and a species that consists of individuals with so many contradicting beliefs could never truly co-exist without dispute. That’s just the world we live in and I’m fully aware of that.

Just don't let it hold you back.

Edit: Oh, I forgot to add, congrats on your family moving. You don't have to hide anymore! (hopefully)

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

...What? They came here (to where I am) of all places? That's a good note?

Also, congrats on your new-found happiness.

Hahahaha well as long as it's not me that's over there then yes, it is a good note. Sorry Pyro ::

And thanks

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Wow.

thats very brave of you Malice, and i for one commend, and respect you for being gutsy enough to do it. I dont know that many of us could do the same. The fact you are at peace with yourself, that youve realized this is who you are, is somthing that many of us never find in a lifetime. I for one, am very proud of you.

you may have a difficult road ahead of this in terms of dealing with your mother and her thoughts on this. And i want to say if you ever need anything, were all here for you. Im sure it also felt good to be able to talk to a friend who understands....most of us dont have that.

I can only hope when faced with a similiar situation that i could be as brave as you.

Again, congrats, and i hope that you're able to feel much better about yourself now that youve recognized a very important part of you.

Stay strong girl!

I wouldn't call myself brave. I just finally got sick of pretending to be something I'm not and had to tell someone about this. I'm still shaken up from the nerves of posting this so I'm not really sure what to say other than a big thank you for always being a good listener and being quick to give others words of encouragement. And yes, I feel so much better now that I can be myself for once

Thanks again

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Malice, that is awesome. I'm so happy for you and coming out takes a whole lot of balls! You managed to unleash everything and it's no wonder you feel weightless. It's years and years of repression finally being released into the world.

Forget the homophobes. They're just being ignorant. Plus it's 2012 and it's more accepted now that people are gay or bi.

Malice, nothing but admiration from this side! Well done to you and may your happiness last forever and ever!

That's femmeballs to you mister :: haha

You're totally right about that. You'd think people would be more understanding about this kind of thing but, well... like I said it's just human nature to antagonize the things we don't understand. I can at least hold onto hope that the gradual increase of homosexual awareness can bring people closer together over the years and make this less of a controversial thing.

And nothing but thanks from this side! It wasn't easy making this public but knowing that everyone here is so kind and understanding really helps put me at ease and I couldn't be any happier to be a part of such an awesome community

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

It's wonderful to see you finally regaining all this self-esteem back, Malice. I'm so glad you're happier now, especially with coming out and lifting that weight off your shoulders. It's great your mom and your friend accept that, and I don't see why they shouldn't. Even though I'm not gay, all the homosexual comments, insults, etc. still take a stab at me too. It makes me sad, and angry, to see people single out and ridicule others based on their sexuality. (Of course it's saddening to see anyone get ridiculed no matter what it's based on.) But, like you said...

Just don't let it hold you back.

Edit: Oh, I forgot to add, congrats on your family moving. You don't have to hide anymore! (hopefully)

Thanks! It's nice to see people who have an open mind and who aren't so quick to judge something simply because it doesn't meet their standards of living. It really is a shame that there aren't more people like this out there, but knowing that nice people like you do exist will always act as a ray of hope for me

I won't. Not anymore

And I wasn't hiding. I was merely lurking in the shadows of the darkest corner of my room <.<
::

 

[MikeyC]

That's femmeballs to you mister :: haha

You're totally right about that. You'd think people would be more understanding about this kind of thing but, well... like I said it's just human nature to antagonize the things we don't understand. I can at least hold onto hope that the gradual increase of homosexual awareness can bring people closer together over the years and make this less of a controversial thing.

And nothing but thanks from this side! It wasn't easy making this public but knowing that everyone here is so kind and understanding really helps put me at ease and I couldn't be any happier to be a part of such an awesome community

Femmeballs, of course!

It is becoming more accepted and as time goes on I think it'll be even more accepted. There's nothing wrong with being bi, and you shoudn't have thought there was in the first place. It's still a big thing to bring up and doing it has made you a more well-rounded person.

You're an inspiration, Malice. Don't ever forget it.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Femmeballs, of course!

It is becoming more accepted and as time goes on I think it'll be even more accepted. There's nothing wrong with being bi, and you shoudn't have thought there was in the first place. It's still a big thing to bring up and doing it has made you a more well-rounded person.

You're an inspiration, Malice. Don't ever forget it.

I know that now. It's just that it's hard enough trying to accept yourself when you have SA and feel like a black sheep all your life, then you discover something about yourself that you know will set you even further apart from everyone and you can't help but be afraid, especially when people are getting beat up (even killed) over this.

Geez why can't everyone just be pansexual and not care about who they like? Why do we even have to label our sexuality?? We should be able to like what we like without being stereotyped or criticized for it. If only things were that simple... But on the bright side, you're completely right. There really is nothing wrong with being bi, gay, lesbian.. whatever! I wish I could have realized that sooner but at least now I can accept myself and try to start fresh.

I wouldn't go as far as to call me an inspiration but thank you once again! That made me really happy

 

[1BlackSheep]

you have SA and feel like a black sheep all your life

You rang? ::

I'm glad you were able to get it all out there so you can be free to openly live as you choose. Really, it's nobody's business anyway!

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

^ Haha thanks

And also a big thanks to everyone else who was supportive about this. I was really nervous about posting that journal entry but I'm glad I did. You guys really are as awesome as awesome can get

I'm sorry to say that today's journal entry is going to be a long one too. Maybe slightly longer than yesterday's but I'll try to avoid that. I just want to vent about my (mis)adventures out in public today. One in particular that made my people-hating meter shoot past its limit.

So we started off the day with an amazing meal at quite possibly the best and most authentic Italian restaurant I've been to yet - Antonino's. The Penne Arrabiata was simply to die for... It was pretty much empty besides two elderly couples. One of the couples was talking about a family member who apparently hit someone with their car and took off. My mom and I were like People sure like to discuss the randomest and most inappropriate things while eating, and in public no less... I don't think talking about a hit and run in public when you personally know the perpetrator is a very good idea <__< That's none of my business though so onward we go~

After lunch we headed off to our second home - the movie theater. We went to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I hadn't seen any trailers for it so I had no idea what the plot was but as soon as my mom said that Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock were in it I had a feeling it was going to be good. My feelings were right to say the least. Hell, that movie exceeded my expectations by a mile.

It was simply one of the most powerful movies I've seen in years and there wasn't a single dry eye in that theater. I haven't cried that much during a movie since My Sister's Keeper. It really hit home for me because the kid lost his father at such a young age and was going through so much emotional turmoil like I did when I lost mine. The kid will kind of get on your nerves sometimes (or maybe I'm just a jerk) but you can't help but feel for him, especially for what he's doing. Just the overall story is sad. If you haven't seen it already then you have to! You just have to see it for yourself to understand.

Oh right, I didn't vent about my little experience at the theater that made me want to pounce on some girls (not in the way you're probably thinking ) and beat their faces into unrecognizable mush.

So we still had about an hour and a half before the movie started and whenever that happens my mom will usually go next door to a shopping center to do shopping (duh) while I stay behind at the theater and either walk around aimlessly or sit around and do people-watching. I decided to just sit down and observe people since I was feeling a little more anxious than usual today. I wasn't expecting that decision to turn into such a huge regret a few minutes later...

So I'm sitting there off in my own little world, minding my own biz, when a group of obnoxious girls starts making their way down the hall where I'm sitting. You could probably hear them laughing and shouting from a mile away. So f****** annoying... I try my best to act casual and hope they won't notice me but of course, for some ungodly reason, these type of people always notice me right away and find some way to make me the centerpiece of a joke.

So as they're approaching me their voices and laughter immediately die down and I can feel their eyes practically burning into my flesh. My body starts to tense up from the nerves and in my head I'm telling myself "It's okay. They're not looking at you. It's all in your head as usual." My eyes are cast down to the floor and I can see their feet as they're walking by and I notice that their pace starts to slow down and instinctively I look up and all their eyes are on me and they're all looking at me with the same expression.

You know that face where someone is looking right at you and their mouth is curved up into an open grin that you know isn't friendly and looks like they want to laugh at you? Well that's the face they all had. Every single one of them. You can only imagine how nerve-wracked I was and when I'm that nervous my face gets extremely tense and my eyes sharpen into a deathglare so I'm looking at all of them like "What the f***?" and they burst out laughing. I cast my eyes back down towards the floor and see their pace pick up a bit after that but I can still feel their eyes on me and I can hear them saying s*** about me.

Here a few of the many comments that were made:

- "Oh my God she's so tense!"
- "Holy s*** that girl was so creepy!"
- "She looked like a straight up psycho b****!"
- "I think she was a lesbian..." (Well, you almost got it right... b****)

To put the cherry on top, they also went to see ELIC and they sat a few rows away from my mom and I. Unfortunately they noticed my presence and kept turning back to look at me during the previews. Their chortles and snorts were all too noticeable. At least the movie took their attention away from me. At least until it ended...

My mom noticed how the girls were looking at me as we were exiting the theater and she asked if something had happened. My typical reply: "No." She's not stupid though. Her motherly instinct is all too keen and she knows when something's up with me. I could easily tell she didn't like those girls to begin with by the way she looked at them every time they looked our way.

Good thing the parking lot was right there and our car was fairly close. We hopped in right away and my mom made me tell her what happened. Ooh was she pissed... Then we saw a car driving by in front of us that happened to contain the s***** stooges and my mom took that moment to give them the raspberry of a lifetime. I just sunk in my seat and hoped the woman driving the car didn't try to do something to us.

Thankfully nothing happened. They disappeared eventually and we went to do our groceries and finally return home from our eventful day.

*Sighs* Well... that was my day today. Sorry you guys had to read these excruciatingly long posts two days in a row. I'm going to be here at home finishing up my reports for my online Creative Writing class probably the rest of the week so I probably won't be on for a few days - much to your relief

Alright well... good day to you all

 

[MikeyC]

Why would girls RANDOMLY say that walking by? How incredibly rude.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Why would girls RANDOMLY say that walking by? How incredibly rude.

That's your typical SoCal girl...

Oh well. I can only laugh now. People just don't understand.

 

[GhastlyCC]

Ugh,
What a bunch of vile twats.
It's unfortunate that such people exist in the world.
I've had a few experiences like this.
I know it's hard,But don't let it bother you too much
Sorry that it happened to you.

Also,
There's nothing wrong with being a little creepy.

 

[MikeyC]

That's your typical SoCal girl...

Oh well. I can only laugh now. People just don't understand.

If that's the typical SoCal girl then I want nothing to do with them. Even saying it within earshot of you is nasty. What a bunch of losers.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

If that's the typical SoCal girl then I want nothing to do with them. Even saying it within earshot of you is nasty. What a bunch of losers.

I doubt you'd ever have a reason to have anything to do with them if Australia is as nice as I imagine it to be and you never have any plans of travelling to the US. Either way you're better off staying over there and not having to run into the school of piranha that is the female population of Southern California.

 

[MikeyC]

I doubt you'd ever have a reason to have anything to do with them if Australia is as nice as I imagine it to be and you never have any plans of travelling to the US. Either way you're better off staying over there and not having to run into the school of piranha that is the female population of Southern California.

Australia has it's share of nasty people, too. I would still love to go to the USA one day, even if the piranha are biting.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Australia has it's share of nasty people, too. I would still love to go to the USA one day, even if the piranha are biting.

Ah of course, how naive of me. How can I forget that bad people exist everywhere as do good people (only one's harder to spot than the other). Just be sure to pack some meat with you for bait and some flamethrowers. Oh and grenades. Lots and lots of grenades...