Likability? Is it as simple as that?

[philly2bits]

I read this book not too long ago:

Amazon.com: The Likeability Factor: How to Boost Your L-Factor and Achieve Your Life's Dreams (9781400080496): Tim Sanders: Books

I won't summarize, but the first review has the main point I'll cover.

"The choices you make don't shape your life as much as the choices other people make about you."

This statement is probably the main point of the book and I agree with it. Think about it. Think of any circumstance in your life. How much did you alone play, and how much did other people play into it? Odds are on the side of at least 1 other person acting either favorably or unfavorably on your behalf to get you into those circumstances. The book contends that a huge deciding factor between the two is likeability. Without it, you are basically damned to a miserable life. You will get no where in the world and no one will care that you don't.

While likeability by no means makes it certain your life will be miserable, it helps in the fact that people will be there for you. To carry the weight when it become too much. For a shoulder to cry on. To pick you up when you fall.

 

[Anomaly]

Then what about the choice to buy the said book?

 

[philly2bits]

Then what about the choice to buy the said book?

Many years of feeling unliked lead me to that book on the library shelf. Had I felt liked all these years, the book would have stayed unread by my me.

 

[coyote]

some people always seem to land on their feet

no matter how many bad decisions they make

i used to think it was "luck"

but "likability" seems a better explanation

 

[lurknomore]

Somehow, I don't think it is that simple. I'm sure it plays a part- perhaps a large part. I always have been baffled by the people that say that everything is within your own power to reach/achieve- but I would think that outside circumstances and forces (namely, other people) have a role as well. We're not all going through life with absolutely no impact on people around us (and vice versa).

 

[KiaKaha]

Which is one of the reasons why I think social phobia is extremely debilitating, not only because it limits opportunities and success in life but also because prevents a person from enjoying a satisfying human experience.

Having the ability to make other people like you is extremely important. If you cant make friends then you are missing out on a vital psychological need. If you lack the ability to make others warm up to you, then you will miss out on opportunities that make life worth living. Even getting something as basic as a job requires the skill to make other people like you.

Which is one of the reasons I think 'effort' is not the sole contributor to how far people go in life, there are a lot of subtle unspoken obstacles that stop people from achieving their true potential. No one can be completely self reliant...we all need one another to support each other as a whole. Dog eat dog does not work...its not fair..and its not until other people find themselves in a position where they need help do they realize this.

IMO

 

[philly2bits]

Somehow, I don't think it is that simple. I'm sure it plays a part- perhaps a large part. I always have been baffled by the people that say that everything is within your own power to reach/achieve- but I would think that outside circumstances and forces (namely, other people) have a role as well. We're not all going through life with absolutely no impact on people around us (and vice versa).

Of course it's not that simple. But being likability gives a huge bonus right?

And other people have a huge role to play. Even if other people play 30% into our lives, that is a huge number. If you were to go all out, never quit, and be the best damn person you could be without anyone else at all, that would be a 70, a D grade. Stumble once along the way, and you fail. It can't be done. You need other people. And unless you can pay them, you need them to like you. Why else would they help?

Having the ability to make other people like you is extremely important. If you cant make friends then you are missing out on a vital psychological need. If you lack the ability to make others warm up to you, then you will miss out on opportunities that make life worth living. Even getting something as basic as a job requires the skill to make other people like you.

The job part is huge too. Unless you are exceptional at what you do, the only deciding factor is likeability. There is a reason Daniel Plainview is a great businessman and House is a great doctor. If they were run of the mill in their fields than absolutely no one would do business/hire someone like that. The same goes for real life. In a sense, being unlikable is a luxury. A luxury afforded those gifted in other areas.

But we all can't great at what we do. Most of us will be average. So the only way to get ahead is to be more likeable than the person next to us. But how?

 

[Sora]

While likability does play a role it in no ways shapes the choices we make alone, for example you originally have to make the first choice that leads to all the choices and things people involve you in!

Had I of never acted on my own originally I would of never of met the friends I did now, I'd of never of gotten to know other people by my friends if I had never acted originally myself. So while some of what you are saying is true, it's still you at the end of the day that makes the difference!

At least this is what I have found to be true and what I believe. Without the actions of yourself you would of never got actions from others. Obviously the more you are liked the more people will choose to invite you to things but you still had to get there on your own! You at some point decided to interact with someone and become friends, everything afterwards is an expansion of what you started!

 

[coyote]

But we all can't great at what we do. Most of us will be average. So the only way to get ahead is to be more likeable than the person next to us. But how?

i've always thought that i possessed some qualities/abilities that might have been above average

but the only thing that seems to have benefited me in my life

is my apparent likability

i don't know if it's something i know how to teach anyone else to be

 

[Silatuyok]

But isn't it possible to choose to make yourself more likable?

 

[KiaKaha]

The thing with being likeable is that its subjective and personal. Not everyone likes me (I know..hard to beleive right? But its true...) and I have met people who I dont like...

We cant all get along because we are all unique and value different things in life. We all have biases and prejudices that effect our opinion of others (whether or not they are true). The trouble is, likeability is associated with confidence and sociability.. if you lack these things, then you will miss out. You could be someone that is extraordinarily talented, or compassionate...or intelligent... but if you dont have the skill to be liked, or if the person who is in a position to help further your position in life sees you in an ufavourable light.... then any personal attributes you possess wont matter.

Its hard to hate someone when you truly understand them. I just dont think people have enough desire to actually do that, naturally its a lot easier to associate yourself with people you can identify with.

You know... I just re read this and its completely convoluted and jumbled.. I dont blame anyone if they cant understand a word I said..

 

[Sora]

"Whose going to love you if you hate yourself?"
Love yourself, or try to the majority of the time and others should like/love you back.

I am not very confident the majority of the time and I know some people like me, some don't but just got to deal with it

 

[MrJones]

"Whose going to love you if you hate yourself?"

I know some people who hate themselves and still they are loved.

 

[philly2bits]

How does one make themselves more likeable than? The book states 4 main factors in in likeability:

1.Friendliness.

I've always thought of myself as being friendly, but could I be confusing it with politeness? Not being rude doesn't make one friendly.

2.Relevance.

I find myself lacking in this area. I feel as though I have nothing to offer anyone else. Whether emotional support, good conversation, dependability, etc. Of course with nothing to offer, why like me?

3. Empathy

What is this really? I know the meaning, but how does it manifest? If someone has a bad day, do I need to give them a huge and get sappy? When the times are bad do I have to say stuff like "AWWW, I feel for you. You're such a wonderful person and you'll pull through. You're strong and nothing can get you down, just remember that" Well I can't do that. Even if I could act my way through it, it breaks number 4.

4. Realness.

If I were to act that way, I'd be going against who I am. I'm not sappy. Least not near the likes I quoted. But also, I fear getting hurt, so I keep everyone at bay by acting annoyingly coy. I say what I think they want to hear or I say nothing at all. On the rare times i will say anything I make damn sure I try not to get on anyone's bad side. I act a clown to avoid my real emotions and thoughts. I'd be surprised if anyone didn't take me for a phony.

 

[KiaKaha]

I might have to buy this book. If there is one thing that I am not confident with, its being likeable. I probably have been to some people in the past but its something I greatly desire, but not able to attain easily.

Friendliness - I am polite for sure, but I dont have the courage to be openly friendly (although I am actually very friendly when I know I am safe) - my fear of rejection is quite strong which prevents me from being so.

Relevance - I have noticed people tend to identify and form bonds with people who remind them of themselves. Its interesting how this manifests itself on a sub conscious level. I think this can come from everything such as social class, interests and even physical appearance. - I feel I have difficulties with this too.

I have always felt acceptance is important when it comes to people liking you. Most people have insecurities and fear whether or not other people will like them. If you can portray that you accept who they are in their totality, then I think that is something that people would like.

 

[Kiwong]

Probably only a handful of people have really liked me in my whole life. I guess I aim a bit lower than that. I want to fit in. Not to be loved or liked but just to fit in.

 

[MercySparx]

Likeability is subjective. Everyone likes different things. If your an idiot, chances are other idiots will like you. Doesn't really make me want to act like an idiot.

 

[pinata]

I've never felt like people like me. My friends always meet up without me and I can tell they get along better with eachother rather than me. One friend called me a "boring bitch" when she was drunk. The truth comes out when you're drunk! People always say I'm difficult to talk to.. But I can't change myself. Maybe I am hard to talk to, but I know I'm a good listener and I help people out when they don't do the same for me.. that means they are not likeable either. To be honest I am finding my friends less and less likeable! It doesn't really matter if no one likes me I guess :] I have spent too much time worrying that people don't like me.. but there is someone out there who has a similar mind to me and is my best friend, I just don't know them yet, and probably never will! You have to settle with what you get in life. You can't really choose your friends, I don't have much in common with mine but heyyy

 

[Falkor]

some people always seem to land on their feet

no matter how many bad decisions they make

i used to think it was "luck"

but "likability" seems a better explanation

Poetic!

True.

Decisions can lead to anything, still life can bring you choices again and again so you never know what it will bring you next, it's the fun of life, happiness and pain, but we all hope for a shining sun above the bright life!

I'd have to say that thinking about making a choice is really important, never say yes or no too soon or do something you are not hundred procent certain about, still it could also help you, if you make an other choice than normally..

Sometimes i'd say, taking risks is not that much of a weird thing to consider, it's good for life experience. Even though you would end up like ****, you will get out of it even better!

And sometimes you will think, this is the best choice i've ever made.

 

[Feathers]

Well, Philly, I think you ARE likeable!!

When you first talked to me I got scared a bit (due to some other circumstances & maybe because of the avatar lol)

You do look like a friendly guy, yup - and love your sense of humor when it shows through!! (and your squirrel and doggie!! )
I can be a clown too, but sometimes it's important to be 'real' too, yup...
Nobody is 'up' and 'happy' all the time!!

Hm, maybe you can express more interest in people, give more feedback/appreciation (or concern/express problems/additional details to clarify the picture) when they reply - if you don't reply, people don't know if they insulted you or bored you or what?

Are you at all interested in people? (I knew a stunner girl who was just interested in cars, nothing wrong with that, she was very cool, people didn't interest her at all, lol.)
(If you just like cars, might connect well with other car lovers!! Talking about how great cars are etc.! People like others who like the same things too!!)

You can totally learn better conversation and emotional support to some degree too...
People show empathy in different ways, if you're not a person who hugs people (or gives virtual hugs), you can still express support in some way (the 'joke' is that women talk, men get drunk together - though I don't recommend it! You can ask someone to go for a hike/bike ride together, or do the dishes if someone has had a bad day/feeling ill, and show support that way!!)

You can just say, 'Yikes.' or 'Bummer.' or pretend-punch, or share something annoying/bad that happened to you on the way (this works sometimes, depends on the people and the situation, women usually do this in friendship, we sometimes commiserate and laugh about each other's miseries)
Sometimes it's good to find people experiencing the same, feeling angry/frustrated by the same things, so you can relate to them easier!!

Not sure if you read the book 'Five languages of love' - people feel and show 'love' (and friendliness) in different ways... !!