Likability? Is it as simple as that?

[coyote]

people aren't all that different

look inward, past all your issues

past the fear, the anger, the depression

and ask yourself - what makes another person likable to you?

what type of people do YOU find likable?

start from there, and see what sorts of things you can do to be like them

 

[1BlackSheep]

some people always seem to land on their feet

no matter how many bad decisions they make

i used to think it was "luck"

but "likability" seems a better explanation

Totally agree! I've worked with many people who weren't the "sharpest tools in the shed" but they had tons of charisma and got ahead based on being liked.

I just don't seem to have that "it" factor, no matter how nice, funny, etc I am. Maybe I need to read some of these books so I can learn!

 

[MrJones]

people aren't all that different

look inward, past all your issues

past the fear, the anger, the depression

and ask yourself - what makes another person likable to you?

what type of people do YOU find likable?

start from there, and see what sorts of things you can do to be like them

To be like the people I find likeable? I don't think I can become a woman ::

I want to be a better person and I'm trying to learn from others, yet I can't seem to improve at all. People still think I'm completely unlikeable. I like to think it's because they still don't know me and the first impression I give is bad, but I'm not sure.

How can people like me if they don't know me? I need to go out more

 

[kilojoule]

Quote:
"The choices you make don't shape your life as much as the choices other people make about you."

^
This is the biggest pile of ****e hahaha no offence

But actually

Here's the thing

The choices you make shape the choices other people make about you

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

The choices you make shape the choices other people make about you

I was looking for a good way to sum up the problem here. That's perfect.

 

[KiaKaha]

I don't suppose anyone thinks that being likeable is not solely determined by internal factors.
What about things like discrimination? personal bias? favouritism? nepotism? prejudgement?
things beyond our control.

I dont think to be likeable you just "become more likeable" I dont think people work that way, there are far too many variables. Location, culture, age, skills, religion, appearance etc etc..

Anybody hearing me? No? OK lets move on...

 

[lurknomore]

I could be wrong, but maybe the secret is liking yourself. Maybe when you like and are comfortable with yourself, others are apt to be more comfortable around you and can't help finding you attractive/likeable in some way.

 

[philly2bits]

Quote:
"The choices you make don't shape your life as much as the choices other people make about you."

^
This is the biggest pile of ****e hahaha no offence

Well, I didn't write the book, so none taken. ::

But actually

Here's the thing

The choices you make shape the choices other people make about you

That does seem a better way to put it. The way the book has it it sounds more like "your problems are other peoples fault." Of course it's right to some extent, but wording does betray mentality doesn't it?

It's hard to accept that my choices have to come first though because that would mean my life so far has been my choice. I chose not having a life? I chose to be miserable? I chose to have no friends? But if I truly chose them, why do I fight them so? Choices such as these are not set in stone. I can make new ones. So, if these were my choices, why do I hate myself so much for making them?

Likeability is subjective. Everyone likes different things. If your an idiot, chances are other idiots will like you. Doesn't really make me want to act like an idiot.

I'd be willing to bet a great many people cast aside their convictions if it means being accepted into a group.

 

[Silatuyok]

I could be wrong, but maybe the secret is liking yourself. Maybe when you like and are comfortable with yourself, others are apt to be more comfortable around you and can't help finding you attractive/likeable in some way.

I know someone who seems to like herself very much, and I can't stand her. ::

 

[KiaKaha]

I know someone who seems to like herself very much, and I can't stand her. ::

Conceitedness, arrogance and a large ego has never been traits that have attracted me to someone.

I admire humility and modesty (and yes... perhaps even shy) to be honest... Its a shame most people that I come across seem to think they are big deals...when they really really aren't at all...

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I know someone who seems to like herself very much, and I can't stand her. ::

Also, I can think of a couple people I've met on this site that I like very much who don't like themselves at all. ::

 

[KiaKaha]

I could be wrong, but maybe the secret is liking yourself. Maybe when you like and are comfortable with yourself, others are apt to be more comfortable around you and can't help finding you attractive/likeable in some way.

I think I know what you mean though, I had a therapist say to me once that people tend to like people who are comfortable with themselves. I mean.. if you think about it... being down on yourself and emotionally needy isnt something that people are generally drawn too. No one can be bothered dealing with that...they have their own problems to tend to.

Positivity and self acceptance is what makes people feel at ease...probably because its really easy to be around people who exude this kind of behaviour.

Less effort = more likeability

 

[Kiwong]

Perhaps the secret is feeling fairly neutral about yourself, you're not better or worse than anyone else. Or becoming less aware of self- mindfullness. Social anxiety sufferers seem to be really down on themselves and get really worked up if someone even a stranger shows dislike for them.

 

[MercySparx]

Conceitedness, arrogance and a large ego has never been traits that have attracted me to someone.

I admire humility and modesty (and yes... perhaps even shy) to be honest... Its a shame most people that I come across seem to think they are big deals...when they really really aren't at all...

I disagree completely. I've been accused of the same traits, when I'm just confidence and possess a healthy self-esteem which I worked hard to get, and am proud of. I find that people who call me conceited, arrogant, or vain, are intimated, jelous, and have a low self esteem, so they try to knock me down a few pegs so they feel better about themselves. Humility and modesty usually go hand in hand with self-hatred and emotional weakness.

 

[KiaKaha]

I disagree completely. I've been accused of the same traits, when I'm just confidence and possess a healthy self-esteem which I worked hard to get, and am proud of. I find that people who call me conceited, arrogant, or vain, are intimated, jelous, and have a low self esteem, so they try to knock me down a few pegs so they feel better about themselves. Humility and modesty usually go hand in hand with self-hatred and emotional weakness.

Having a healthy self esteem and being confident is different from being conceited and arrogant. Arrogance is a belief that you are in someway better than other people....being overly confident while putting down other people who you view as inferior in someway.
If you have healthy self esteem and confidence, whilst maintaining mutual respect for other people, then by definition you are not arrogant .... and the people who accuse you of that, are wrong...and no doubt jealous.... or they have judged you unfairly.

Just as its possible to be confident without being arrogant, its also possible to be modest without self hatred or emotional weakness.

My personal preference though, is for people who are quieter and more humble. But thats just me...its a preference it doesnt mean that anyone who isnt like that has some kind of flaw.

 

[dottie]

wow i must read this book. everything you said is spot on, @philly2bits, especially the part about mistaking politeness for friendliness.

i am polite. i am not friendly. i don't even know how to be and it feels so contrived when i try.

 

[1BlackSheep]

To bI like to think it's because they still don't know me and the first impression I give is bad, but I'm not sure.

Maybe this is my problem. People usually seem to not like me at first but then often do once they get to know me. It sucks because I'm one who pretty much considers everyone a friend until they prove otherwise, not the other way around!

 

[MercySparx]

Having a healthy self esteem and being confident is different from being conceited and arrogant. Arrogance is a belief that you are in someway better than other people....being overly confident while putting down other people who you view as inferior in someway.
If you have healthy self esteem and confidence, whilst maintaining mutual respect for other people, then by definition you are not arrogant .... and the people who accuse you of that, are wrong...and no doubt jealous.... or they have judged you unfairly.

Just as its possible to be confident without being arrogant, its also possible to be modest without self hatred or emotional weakness.

My personal preference though, is for people who are quieter and more humble. But thats just me...its a preference it doesnt mean that anyone who isnt like that has some kind of flaw.

I'm generalizing based on personal experience, obviously there are exceptions to the rule. I'm jaded because I have dealt with people like that in the past, for example:

"You know what my problem is with you? You act like your on a ****ing pedestal. You think you can just get whatever guy you want. Truth be told you probably could. Yet from my perspective you don't actually care about who you push around just as long as Cassidy gets what Cassidy wants. I'm not jealous because you know how to wear make up. I'm not jealous that you could get any guy you want. I'm just pissed at the fact that from my perspective you almost make it a ****ing game. You without knowing make other girls feel like ****. That's my problem with you. From my perspective I see you make other girls become upset because you can get whatever guy you want when they can't. Straight up. I don't care if you don't like what I have to say but just think about it. I actually feel sorry for you. What is it like living a life dependent on your looks?"

This was sent to me by a "humble and modest" girl. She was in my social circle, we had dated the same guy (not at the same time) and we spent alot of time together because our boyfriends at the time were brothers. It was obvious she was shy, me being sympathetic to that, I tried to be nice and to make her feel comfortable. She then insulted me numerous times to our other friends, I had no idea why until months later I got this ridiculous explanation out of her. This was especially hurtful because of my issues with Social Phobia and the amount of work I put into gaining my confidence. Lesson to be learned: beware the quiet ones.

 

[Waybuloo]

I don't think it's so much likeability, but how much what you have or how you are meet other people's requirements. I had different employers urging me to go for a job they have for me, on several occassions but I didn't even want to do it. I don't have such 'luck' with friends. Employers don't care how nice or friendly I am, but how hard I work. I think I know what people want from friends, the ability to be cool, the ability to make them feel safe, the ability to make them feel wanted and desired, or the ability to make them laugh. On the other hand you can have the ability to appear plain alongside them in a nightclub, the ability to lend them money numerous times, the ability to pay for meals etc.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Wow uhm, I totally disagree.
"The choices you make don't shape your life as much as the choices other people make about you."
That is probably one of the most distorted, harming things I've ever heard a self help book preach.
Everybody makes a different choice about you, in the end there will most likely be the same amount of hate and love energy directed at you from the entire human population. What matters is aligning yourself with he ones who feel good about you.
Is this book promoting that we change to make ourselves more likable to other people?
Isn't that how social anxiety begins in the first place? Believing we have to change to be likable?
Talk about external locus of control.

Edit: Sorry, I skimmed your first post and didn't even read about the book. Just that quote.