Likability? Is it as simple as that?

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I think I know what people want from friends, the ability to be cool, the ability to make them feel safe, the ability to make them feel wanted and desired, or the ability to make them laugh. On the other hand you can have the ability to appear plain alongside them in a nightclub, the ability to lend them money numerous times, the ability to pay for meals etc.

There's another aspect that I've learned is important as well. Characteristics that you don't have. Probably chief among those is that you don't make the people you talk to feel bad because of the way your own insecurities manifest.

Not bragging or putting others down to feel better about yourself. Not pointing out the negative aspects of everything because you're feeling negative. Not trying to one-up every story someone tells.

And so on.

[This is not a commentary on you, or anyone in particular]

 

[dottie]

you can make good choices in life but that will only get you so far. you can be a damn hard worker and never get promoted because the other person in yours or a similar position who is more "likable" (friendly, confident, approachable, whatever) is going to be first choice for promotion. i've lived life. this is how it goes.

 

[philly2bits]

Also, I can think of a couple people I've met on this site that I like very much who don't like themselves at all. ::

That's interesting. So this goes against the whole "like yourself first" motto. So what about these people makes them likeable if they don't even like themselves?

wow i must read this book. everything you said is spot on, @philly2bits, especially the part about mistaking politeness for friendliness.

i am polite. i am not friendly. i don't even know how to be and it feels so contrived when i try.

Contrived, yes. That is a good word for it. A fake, a phoney, a fraud. This is how I feel I'll be seen by acting sappy.

on a side note, is sappy friendly? Who sees it as such?

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

That's interesting. So this goes against the whole "like yourself first" motto. So what about these people makes them likeable if they don't even like themselves?

No particular thing, just a combination of traits. I guess whether they like themselves just isn't something that bothers me much. Do you like someone based on how much they like themselves? Sometimes I wonder if that's just such a popular saying because it's catchy.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

No particular thing, just a combination of traits. I guess whether they like themselves just isn't something that bothers me much. Do you like someone based on how much they like themselves? Sometimes I wonder if that's just such a popular saying because it's catchy.

I think it is. How would you even know whether other people like themselves or not? None of us really knows what's going on insider other people's heads. We make assumptions based on our own view of the world, and project those onto everyone else.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I think it is. How would you even know whether other people like themselves or not? None of us really knows what's going on insider other people's heads. We make assumptions based on our own view of the world, and project those onto everyone else.

That went through my head too. I have seen cases where someone is obviously projecting their own faults on to others but that's not the norm. People who don't like themselves might be unpleasant to others because of it (thus preventing them from being likeable), but they might not.

 

[SAM2011]

you can make good choices in life but that will only get you so far. you can be a damn hard worker and never get promoted because the other person in yours or a similar position who is more "likable" (friendly, confident, approachable, whatever) is going to be first choice for promotion. i've lived life. this is how it goes.

Totally agreed with you there.