Kia's Ultimate rejection thread
- Thread starter KiaKaha
- Start date
:thumbup::thumbup:
I have to agree. I think you need to sort yourself out first. If you have unresolved issues it's like a big red flag and I would guess that's where it keeps going wrong, the big red flag is being detected. Women have this Disney fairytale thing in their head where they want to be rescued...or else they have the modern day self sufficiency thing in their head. Either way they do not want to do the rescuing, if they think you need rescuing they're gone, its not sexy.In any case they can't rescue you, you have to help yourself. A relationship at the wrong time will only make things a lot worse.
Disclaimer: I'm not saying it's right or I agree with it but I know from chatting to the girls, that's the way it is- Big red flags will end it before it begins.
Disclaimer: I'm not saying it's right or I agree with it but I know from chatting to the girls, that's the way it is- Big red flags will end it before it begins.
coyote
Well-known member
this was the other thing that i thought might possibly be at work as well
i suspect, KiaKaha, that you may have revealed things about your personality to these women that they found unattractive
not that you are too nice, or too kind, or too sensitive (although that's how they may have described it to you), but rather that your deep sensitivity and kindness are a part of you being so deeply troubled
and being deeply troubled may come across as being too much trouble for them to deal with
as Jewel said, many women, deep down, want to be taken care of. society has thrust women into the role of caretaker in many aspects in life, so at the end of the day, they're looking for their love interest to be the one to take care of them - they don't want to have to be the one taking care of someone else.
many women (perhaps subconsciously) are looking for someone to lean on, to be "their rock." they're looking for someone strong and dependable.
i have experienced this phenomenon myself with partners and have tried to learn from it
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Opaline
1
I believe that, as it makes a lot of sense, and I can relate to it personally. People often use this as a place to vent, so sometimes we might only be seeing the negative side of a person. But in real life they may not be that way constantly. This is a site for an anxiety disorder, so many people come on here and talk about their anxiety which naturally involves a great deal of pain. Doesn't mean they're miserable people altogether. You have to keep in mind that they're only presenting one side - or maybe a few - of themselves, but we're not seeing the whole person.
I'm sure Kia's an awesome person
ImNotMyIllness
Well-known member
I believe that, as it makes a lot of sense, and I can relate to it personally. People often use this as a place to vent, so sometimes we might only be seeing the negative side of a person. But in real life they may not be that way constantly. This is a site for an anxiety disorder, so many people come on here and talk about their anxiety which naturally involves a great deal of pain. Doesn't mean they're miserable people altogether. You have to keep in mind that they're only presenting one side - or maybe a few - of themselves, but we're not seeing the whole person.
I'm sure Kia's an awesome person
Very true!
^ Understandable of course but nobody's having a go at Kia. Everyone here can relate to Kia, we've all had/have similar experiences. Any impatience, frustration detected amongst the replies is not hostility toward perceived negativity. Though it seems to be interpreted that way. Again, understandable, text doesn't allow for tone unfortunately.
Its this business of trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome... I just want to scream. WHY NOT TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT??? Try the advice you don't like for a change. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not good advice. It's like trying to get a child to try a new food and the kid is going blllleurrrgh noooo! A lot of the advice, most of the advice gets knocked without consideration ....maybe because of how it's phrased or because of who gave it, I don't know or else its argued. Most advice that is accepted or taken on board is advice that Kia already believes to be true. I'm reading through the threads and in my head screaming, WHY ARE YOU ARGUING WITH THAT GUY KIA, HES GIVING YOU GOLD! Maybe its the fear of trying something new? I often knocked my sisters advice for just that reason and without even thinking about it I ignored it and felt irritated by her, like she was trying to annoy me telling me what she knew I didnt want to hear ...only years later I took the advice to shut her up and she was right...though I'll never tell her
It'd be amazing to see things working out for Kia. I think Kia will have difficulty getting into a relationship because of women seeing the unresolved issues flag. But I'm sure he will if he keeps at it and the worry is, I don't think it will make him happy because it won't resolve his issues. I think he thinks it will make him happy. A lot of the threads are about 'girls don't like me' and I'm thinking 'do you like yourself?' If you solve that, you'll solve the other problem too.
And I suspect its the same for everyone else frustrated responding in these threads.When you're asking the same questions for this long and not getting anywhere, you need to think about changing tack. And if people seem impatient or that, it's because they want things to change for you Kia. If I could get on a plane tm and turn up in NZ I absolutely would pop over and tell you all this over a coffee and plead with you to try to give yourself more credit and love yourself a little bit more and do everything you can to try and resolve those issues because you deserve to be happy!!!!!! and I also wouldn't mind some NZ sun because its very very cold and pissy weather here!
Its this business of trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome... I just want to scream. WHY NOT TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT??? Try the advice you don't like for a change. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not good advice. It's like trying to get a child to try a new food and the kid is going blllleurrrgh noooo! A lot of the advice, most of the advice gets knocked without consideration ....maybe because of how it's phrased or because of who gave it, I don't know or else its argued. Most advice that is accepted or taken on board is advice that Kia already believes to be true. I'm reading through the threads and in my head screaming, WHY ARE YOU ARGUING WITH THAT GUY KIA, HES GIVING YOU GOLD! Maybe its the fear of trying something new? I often knocked my sisters advice for just that reason and without even thinking about it I ignored it and felt irritated by her, like she was trying to annoy me telling me what she knew I didnt want to hear ...only years later I took the advice to shut her up and she was right...though I'll never tell her
It'd be amazing to see things working out for Kia. I think Kia will have difficulty getting into a relationship because of women seeing the unresolved issues flag. But I'm sure he will if he keeps at it and the worry is, I don't think it will make him happy because it won't resolve his issues. I think he thinks it will make him happy. A lot of the threads are about 'girls don't like me' and I'm thinking 'do you like yourself?' If you solve that, you'll solve the other problem too.
And I suspect its the same for everyone else frustrated responding in these threads.When you're asking the same questions for this long and not getting anywhere, you need to think about changing tack. And if people seem impatient or that, it's because they want things to change for you Kia. If I could get on a plane tm and turn up in NZ I absolutely would pop over and tell you all this over a coffee and plead with you to try to give yourself more credit and love yourself a little bit more and do everything you can to try and resolve those issues because you deserve to be happy!!!!!! and I also wouldn't mind some NZ sun because its very very cold and pissy weather here!
Hellhound
Super Moderator
Advice in this matter is profanity. God forbid you tell them to try to get some things sorted out before dating anyone.
There's a fine line between having someone understand you and having someone deal with all of your unresolved issues. Some don't seem to get this. It's unfair to any girl or boy to end up absorbing all of your negativity.
Besides, there's something that guys seem not to understand here. Just because you're not someone's type, it doesn't necesarily mean you're a bastard. A girl might like the way you are, find you nice, etc., but if you aren't her type, she's not obligated to date you. Girls have a right to choose their partners just like you.
And if they rejected you over coming off as too negative, too frustrated, too desperate, they probably ain't going to tell you directly. Most people aren't that straightforward.
Starry
Well-known member
Kia, I agree that you certainly need to solve your unresolved issues, if only to make yourself happier... However, I do not think you should dramatically change who you are. If you act differently to how you feel you should or the way which is true to your core being, then you're not going to end up with the person who is right for you, even if you end up not being rejected.
Maybe the reason so many relationships fail is because people aren't being true to themselves, they're all acting and trying to live up to expectations. I feel this is most definitely the wrong course of action...
However, in this sad, sad world you may have to make a choice between being true to yourself and slipping into the stream along with everyone else. Unfortunately, this world is so messed up that being true to yourself often leads to bitter disappointments, people are so conditioned to look for other things.
I like you. I think you are a very kind, good, open-hearted man who has faced bitter disappointment and feels terribly rejected and alone. But remember, no matter how alone you feel in this world there are always others who would feel the same or who would understand perfectly!
Please, please try to settle and lay to rest your issues, so that you can shine as brightly as I know your heart is able, but never change who you are at heart when you are a good person! Never act, always be yourself!
Maybe the reason so many relationships fail is because people aren't being true to themselves, they're all acting and trying to live up to expectations. I feel this is most definitely the wrong course of action...
However, in this sad, sad world you may have to make a choice between being true to yourself and slipping into the stream along with everyone else. Unfortunately, this world is so messed up that being true to yourself often leads to bitter disappointments, people are so conditioned to look for other things.
I like you. I think you are a very kind, good, open-hearted man who has faced bitter disappointment and feels terribly rejected and alone. But remember, no matter how alone you feel in this world there are always others who would feel the same or who would understand perfectly!
Please, please try to settle and lay to rest your issues, so that you can shine as brightly as I know your heart is able, but never change who you are at heart when you are a good person! Never act, always be yourself!
Opaline
1
Oh, no, what I was saying wasn't directed at anyone replying to Kia with some frustration, because if I am completely honest I've read some of his stuff and thought "Not this again..." haha. I've done the same thing myself - brought up a subject again and again, to the frustration of many. We're all human here, it's natural to feel frustrated when trying to help someone and you feel like they are not hearing you (and I know he feels that way too).
KiaKaha
Banned
Oh yeah I know - look I really dont intend on beating a dead horse - I mean, I know how these kinds of topics come across, I know how they are perceived and that they have been done to death a thousand times - and I certainly don't mean to sound insulting or accusatory to the female populace. I love women.... seriously. I love the way you look, your beauty - I love the way you make me feel, I love your intelligence, your tenderness, your femininity and overall your existence. There is something not just aesthetically pleasing but you also bring happiness to guys like myself - but BOY yall can be frustrating and confusing sometimes.
and this stuff is going to come up again too - if not by me... someone else here.
The problem is, that the main reason why *I* bring it up over and over again, is because... I can't figure out what is going on.. obviously I don't have trouble expressing interest from women but it's getting further with them that I have the trouble with.
Do you know that feeling when you meet someone - and you are just into them? When you meet someone and you get excited about thinking about them - and you feel happy that they think about you? and it feels GOOD? Well - I have been in that position many times and every time - I get told the same thing - and I feel disappointed. I go up - and then I come down - over and over and over again - and it hurts.
Do I expect obligation? No - of course not.
Do I think women like to be treated badly? - No I do not - who would?
Do I think that I am turning girls off by coming on to strong? No - I know the difference.
I have been thinking a lot about this - and I am formulating a list of 'rules' from a male perspective. You aint gonna like it - I can tell you right now. I also have come to some conclusions about the female attitude toward dating and relationships (easy.... easy now...) which I will explain in a day or two..
See - I don't mind so much about rejection if its honest. If I date a girl and said "you are not for me" then thats cool.... if she said "god you are a wanker - why WOULD anyone date you" then that is a whole lot better than "You are too sweet for me - I prefer emotionally distant men"
But it's not honest - its a cop out. I am not supposed to 'expect' or 'desire' anything (Right?) but for a change - I wouldn't actually mind being treated with a bit of courtesy. (and there is a whole lot I could say in response to the inevitable refutation of that statement)
But dont worry - I get things wrong as well on my part. I realize this and I will say exactly what this is - but hey at least I am somewhat considerate.
I just wish these girls that I happen to meet just didn't use me ONLY for my body - over and over again. It's tough y'know?
KiaKaha
Banned
A lot of people say that (who know how I feel) I just see it as one continual failure after the other. I only want one.
I refer to these sentiments btw. I would express this exact excerpt and wait for an answer. If you are determined to get an answer to this question, and you appear to be, then it is the only conclusive way.All we can do is speculate and youve heard every speculation this forum has repeatedly. Why not email this to these women who you dated?
coyote
Well-known member
sounds as if i would like New Zealand
maybe we could switch places
here in the American midwest you can find plenty of nice, old-fashioned girls who are waiting for their knight in shining armor to come and live happily ever after with
KiaKaha
Banned
You didn't think I had forgotten about this thread did you? Probably no one is going to read this anymore cos the novelty has worn off - but still ...
Just a few thoughts - that most of you are probably not going to like, but I feel that need to be said.
Firstly - when it comes to the dynamics of male and female interaction. I generally feel that there is a very strong bias in favour of females. I am not trying to sound like an *******, but it's definitely there. Most people tend to be more sympathetic to females - or at least the female point of view. If for example a man says that he is being treated badly be a woman - its seen as not handling rejection correctly, being unsuccessful with women, expecting too much etc etc etc - however if it's the other way around, people are far more compromising and understanding.
Just for the record, I am actually a firm advocate of feminism. I believe that it does good things - I also believe that some segments of society need to be treated differently to ensure that everyone gets a fair chance - however what I don't like seeing is that men have just as much rights too and that if a man speaks up regarding issues of gender inequities then it as seen as 'attacking' and 'accusing' and I think sometimes we forget that. It quite simply - is not fair - and I can already sense the wrenching as my words are being read.
Now that I have that out of the way - I would like to get back on to the topic of dating.
Now for some reason - I am not entirely to sure why, many women - not all, but a lot - generally speaking do feel that they have a sense of entitlement.
WHOA
lets back up a bit here...
Entitlement? How dare I say something like that. Let me explain - there is a very strong case that women tend to be a bit choosier than men and I think it comes down to some very instinctual cavemen stuff. Firstly - just reading through the dozens and dozens of threads about dating - and reading the responses of the many guys that can't get girls - there is an implication of 'rules' that you have to play by - now its not the 'rules' themselves that is the point, the point is, is that the rules are dictated by...females. Why? I am not sure - but I think it has to do with something known as the bateman's principle
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bateman%27s_principle
also I think that there is another element involved with this - and why it "seems" that "nice guys" finish last and I think this is due to the scarcity effect but on a physiological and sociological perspective
Scarcity principle
I dont have much time. I have to be fast.
Kias rules for dating for women
1. If you are not looking for a relationship - don't make someone believe that you are
2. Be honest when you break up with someone and PLEASE dont tell them that they are 'too nice' for you - that only perpetuates the 'nice guy' syndrome further that frustrates all of you.
3. Dont just ignore someone because you are too scared to tell them that they are not right for you
4. Dont lead a man on - there is a difference between exploring your options and leading him on.
5. Entitlement is not attractive - I know you dont want to just 'settle' but being absolutely uncompromising is a big turn off
6. Playing hard to get is not attractive either - it makes no sense
7. Dont be so harsh with guys who are occasionally unsure of themselves. I know you like confidence - but sometimes we falter. an occasional lack of confidence shouldn't negate everything else a man has.
8. Please dont mistake being considerate as being a 'pushover' sometimes a guy likes being nice to you simply because he LIKES you.
I have more but this is the main bit. Just wanted to throw it out there in case I cant get to finish the post properly.
Just a few thoughts - that most of you are probably not going to like, but I feel that need to be said.
Firstly - when it comes to the dynamics of male and female interaction. I generally feel that there is a very strong bias in favour of females. I am not trying to sound like an *******, but it's definitely there. Most people tend to be more sympathetic to females - or at least the female point of view. If for example a man says that he is being treated badly be a woman - its seen as not handling rejection correctly, being unsuccessful with women, expecting too much etc etc etc - however if it's the other way around, people are far more compromising and understanding.
Just for the record, I am actually a firm advocate of feminism. I believe that it does good things - I also believe that some segments of society need to be treated differently to ensure that everyone gets a fair chance - however what I don't like seeing is that men have just as much rights too and that if a man speaks up regarding issues of gender inequities then it as seen as 'attacking' and 'accusing' and I think sometimes we forget that. It quite simply - is not fair - and I can already sense the wrenching as my words are being read.
Now that I have that out of the way - I would like to get back on to the topic of dating.
Now for some reason - I am not entirely to sure why, many women - not all, but a lot - generally speaking do feel that they have a sense of entitlement.
WHOA
lets back up a bit here...
Entitlement? How dare I say something like that. Let me explain - there is a very strong case that women tend to be a bit choosier than men and I think it comes down to some very instinctual cavemen stuff. Firstly - just reading through the dozens and dozens of threads about dating - and reading the responses of the many guys that can't get girls - there is an implication of 'rules' that you have to play by - now its not the 'rules' themselves that is the point, the point is, is that the rules are dictated by...females. Why? I am not sure - but I think it has to do with something known as the bateman's principle
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bateman%27s_principle
also I think that there is another element involved with this - and why it "seems" that "nice guys" finish last and I think this is due to the scarcity effect but on a physiological and sociological perspective
Scarcity principle
I dont have much time. I have to be fast.
Kias rules for dating for women
1. If you are not looking for a relationship - don't make someone believe that you are
2. Be honest when you break up with someone and PLEASE dont tell them that they are 'too nice' for you - that only perpetuates the 'nice guy' syndrome further that frustrates all of you.
3. Dont just ignore someone because you are too scared to tell them that they are not right for you
4. Dont lead a man on - there is a difference between exploring your options and leading him on.
5. Entitlement is not attractive - I know you dont want to just 'settle' but being absolutely uncompromising is a big turn off
6. Playing hard to get is not attractive either - it makes no sense
7. Dont be so harsh with guys who are occasionally unsure of themselves. I know you like confidence - but sometimes we falter. an occasional lack of confidence shouldn't negate everything else a man has.
8. Please dont mistake being considerate as being a 'pushover' sometimes a guy likes being nice to you simply because he LIKES you.
I have more but this is the main bit. Just wanted to throw it out there in case I cant get to finish the post properly.
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KiaKaha
Banned
I haven't even begun on social rejection yet - which - doesn't hurt quite as much, but is still awfully confusing.
Oh and by the way the date that I had was just a no chemistry thing. All good. Lovely girl though - she liked rugby just a little too much and she could see that I had a blank stare on my face as I had no idea what she was on about. But hey - at least we both know where we stand.
Oh and by the way the date that I had was just a no chemistry thing. All good. Lovely girl though - she liked rugby just a little too much and she could see that I had a blank stare on my face as I had no idea what she was on about. But hey - at least we both know where we stand.
