Kia's Ultimate rejection thread
- Thread starter KiaKaha
- Start date
You make 3000 posts on a mental health forum and start thread such as this. What are we supposed to think? That you are fine and just badly done to? C'mon mate pull the other one
. I know me and most of the other members here are present because we have MH problems. Are you denying you are unwell and that it is society to blame? I think you need to do some honest soul searching and find the root, when I was your age I lived in denial and it made oh so very angry, infact furious at the world!I too tried the amateur shrink route, it wasn't until I stamped my feet a bit and got a real professional that I got finally diagnosed with Pure O, SAD and PTSD.
Interesting that your dating history was so very similar to mine in my 20/30's I ended up going celibate for almost 10 years and concentrated on sorting my head out.
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Kiwong
Well-known member
I like that Phocas, that works for me with happiness. It's like some beautiful bird that settles just out of sight, if I don't focus too hard on it, then I can feel waves of happiness that surprise me. If I expect happiness or focus too hard on it, then the beautiful bird takes flight.
KiaKaha
Banned
You make 3000 posts on a mental health forum and start thread such as this. What are we supposed to think? That you are fine and just badly done to? C'mon mate pull the other one
I too tried the amateur shrink route, it wasn't until I stamped my feet a bit and got a real professional that I got finally diagnosed with Pure O, SAD and PTSD.
Interesting that your dating history was so very similar to mine in my 20/30's I ended up going celibate for almost 10 years and concentrated on sorting my head out.
I am really tempted to respond to this - but quite frankly mate, I am terrified that I might get a banning of some kind when I deal with you, its like walking on egg shells. So I will make it brief. I never said society, and I am most certainly not denying I am unwell - which I stated right at the beginning. I am more interested in what is the cause and what is the effect. Your history and my history - apparently similar, according to yourself - does not equate similar conclusions or similar experience.
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KiaKaha
Banned
I remember one time... in my flat, in my teens I was playing some bass guitar with some friends. One of them said, hey listen to this and he pumped out a bass line... I said "oh...yeah that sounds pretty easy" and he was like "what the ****? - you *******" and I remember thinking...what did I say that was so wrong? I did not mean any offense by my comment.. All I meant was - it sounded like an easy song to learn - I was not questioning his musical ability by implying that he could only play easy bass lines. I always remember how insulted he was by an innocent remark.
I've no idea what you mean? Deal with me? I'm trying to show empathy and understanding, you asked for assistance and I offered it.
Last time I did that you nastily sniped me when I was talking about my physical disability getting me zero sympathy and you got banned for it. I was trying to help you then too! Do you want help or just want people to tell you what you want to hear?
I've been deadly serious and in no way trying to wind you up BTW. If you don't want to hear it, just say and I'll help others and not waste my time.
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KiaKaha
Banned
I wrote out a large response, but perhaps I will post it later. I am not sure if it would go down well.
Perhaps you are - maybe I misunderstood. I sometimes don't like the dynamics of forums or the internet. You are scary to talk to. No I don't want people to tell me what I want to hear. I just want someone to acknowledge my experience and to help me understand why - because I can't see any real rational explanation. I figured if I made a journal to record rejections - then maybe I could figure out why I am getting rejected. I am not trying to play the blame game - and it is frustrating that no one seems to hear that the things that I say actually happen - rather it is me just not interpreting others reactions properly. In fact I could list out some memorable experiences - which make no sense as to the reasons why at all. I like the smiths also Remus.
Perhaps you are - maybe I misunderstood. I sometimes don't like the dynamics of forums or the internet. You are scary to talk to. No I don't want people to tell me what I want to hear. I just want someone to acknowledge my experience and to help me understand why - because I can't see any real rational explanation. I figured if I made a journal to record rejections - then maybe I could figure out why I am getting rejected. I am not trying to play the blame game - and it is frustrating that no one seems to hear that the things that I say actually happen - rather it is me just not interpreting others reactions properly. In fact I could list out some memorable experiences - which make no sense as to the reasons why at all. I like the smiths also Remus.
Starry
Well-known member
Kia, it's clear from your responses in this thread that you're feeling quite a bit worse than I've seen you on here. I wouldn't normally recommend psychiatrists as I find medication a poor fix and all the CBT/ACT/whatever therapy in the world won't help some people. But I think it should be recommended to you as long as it's talking therapy, as I think you need to just talk all of this out to help yourself get your mind around it and you're going to have difficulty finding people in the general population who will be understanding enough. At least with a psychiatrist they've been trained and are being paid to be understanding.
I honestly can't see reasons for the rejections you've mentioned, I wish I could so I could help, but I can't... Maybe it's because of how different you are from most people... Which will be great if you find a woman who appreciates that, but with most people, leaves you with not all that much in common.
Please keep in mind that everyone faces rejection all the time. For example, my husband, used to have quite a few online friends, and despite him trying repeatedly to stay in touch with them, not one bothers to even respond to a brief email anymore. Even his own father ignores emails most of the time. Now, my husband could believe that it's him that's the problem, since it's happened so many times, but it is not him... It seems that many people are incapable of maintaining friendships, online at least.
I know your situation is very different, but still...
I understand your searching for reasons - again, my husband does it himself and repeatedly questions why his friends deserted him - but I feel that for your own state of well being you should try to push the questions aside for a little while, until your mind is in a more comfortable place to deal with them.
First we need to deal with your perception of your self and your own self-worth... You are a good person, an idealist, caring and concerned about others but you are in a bad state at the moment, which needs to be remedied. Perhaps you need to try to be thankful for the good things you do have (yes, it's difficult, I know). Please, try not to feel that you're rejected by everyone because, despite your feelings, you are not. People on this forum like and care about you, including myself. Jut for a few minutes try to concentrate on the good things and ignore the negative things, because until your mind is clear and comfortable you will not be able to find the answers you search for.
I so much want for you to be happy and at peace. *Hugs*
I honestly can't see reasons for the rejections you've mentioned, I wish I could so I could help, but I can't... Maybe it's because of how different you are from most people... Which will be great if you find a woman who appreciates that, but with most people, leaves you with not all that much in common.
Please keep in mind that everyone faces rejection all the time. For example, my husband, used to have quite a few online friends, and despite him trying repeatedly to stay in touch with them, not one bothers to even respond to a brief email anymore. Even his own father ignores emails most of the time. Now, my husband could believe that it's him that's the problem, since it's happened so many times, but it is not him... It seems that many people are incapable of maintaining friendships, online at least.
I know your situation is very different, but still...
I understand your searching for reasons - again, my husband does it himself and repeatedly questions why his friends deserted him - but I feel that for your own state of well being you should try to push the questions aside for a little while, until your mind is in a more comfortable place to deal with them.
First we need to deal with your perception of your self and your own self-worth... You are a good person, an idealist, caring and concerned about others but you are in a bad state at the moment, which needs to be remedied. Perhaps you need to try to be thankful for the good things you do have (yes, it's difficult, I know). Please, try not to feel that you're rejected by everyone because, despite your feelings, you are not. People on this forum like and care about you, including myself. Jut for a few minutes try to concentrate on the good things and ignore the negative things, because until your mind is clear and comfortable you will not be able to find the answers you search for.
I so much want for you to be happy and at peace. *Hugs*
Hellhound
Super Moderator
Mental health problems don't equal crazy.
I read all that and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, its **** and women can be a real crowd of bit.ches.
However I have some advice that you'll hate.
I'll be straight to the point.(s)
1) You need to stop placing everything on what these women think of you, you're there to judge them too. Make them work a bit. Challenge them, let them impress you. Don't make it so easy. Don't allow them to think that it's entirely their decision to see you again. Let them know you're not sold, you have options. Don't be too available.
Be old school about it (and I know you hate this stuff but it works, and maybe it shouldn't work and its not pc blah blah I know we've had this discussion before but it does work and you're not in a position to have such strong principles about this)
*Women like a chase. They do not like too available. You know what I mean. 9 hour first date, too-quick weekends away, exchanging secrets on first dates, feeling so comfortable they can tell you big secrets...But for gods sake don't reveal anything about yourself!!! Don't tell them any secrets, its a total double standard but its there and yeah its not fair, but its there. No secrets for you, secrets for them, great, secrets for you very bad.
On a date you should feel inhibited and uncomfortable to begin with, at least on the first date. Reserve the mystery a bit, keep things fairly distant, I'm not saying go all 'treat them mean, keep them keen' and indulge in mind games, I'm just advising on a little playing it cool, keeping the distance, not catering to their every need and whim. Stop putting the ball in their court and being so nice and gentlemanly.
You can be nice to them later.
Importantly
2) I think combing through each rejection is self destructive, psychological self-harming. Furthermore, it wont help you with future endeavours, it will chip away your self esteem and bring you down, and I'm sorry to whoever this offends but there is nothing sexy about low self esteem, potential mates will read that from you and believe it too. You want to believe in yourself a bit more. Build on the good stuff. The glass half empty thing is killing you here.
However I have some advice that you'll hate.
I'll be straight to the point.(s)
1) You need to stop placing everything on what these women think of you, you're there to judge them too. Make them work a bit. Challenge them, let them impress you. Don't make it so easy. Don't allow them to think that it's entirely their decision to see you again. Let them know you're not sold, you have options. Don't be too available.
Be old school about it (and I know you hate this stuff but it works, and maybe it shouldn't work and its not pc blah blah I know we've had this discussion before but it does work and you're not in a position to have such strong principles about this)
*Women like a chase. They do not like too available. You know what I mean. 9 hour first date, too-quick weekends away, exchanging secrets on first dates, feeling so comfortable they can tell you big secrets...But for gods sake don't reveal anything about yourself!!! Don't tell them any secrets, its a total double standard but its there and yeah its not fair, but its there. No secrets for you, secrets for them, great, secrets for you very bad.
On a date you should feel inhibited and uncomfortable to begin with, at least on the first date. Reserve the mystery a bit, keep things fairly distant, I'm not saying go all 'treat them mean, keep them keen' and indulge in mind games, I'm just advising on a little playing it cool, keeping the distance, not catering to their every need and whim. Stop putting the ball in their court and being so nice and gentlemanly.
You can be nice to them later.
Importantly
2) I think combing through each rejection is self destructive, psychological self-harming. Furthermore, it wont help you with future endeavours, it will chip away your self esteem and bring you down, and I'm sorry to whoever this offends but there is nothing sexy about low self esteem, potential mates will read that from you and believe it too. You want to believe in yourself a bit more. Build on the good stuff. The glass half empty thing is killing you here.
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KiaKaha
Banned
Perhaps you are right Starry. Ah your tenderness is soul touching. I guess what adds to the mix of frustration is the feeling that people are not understanding of why it is I feel this way. Your response truly is empathetic - I appreciate that. It is caring - and it makes a large difference. Thanks.
KiaKaha
Banned
Yeah. See I hate that crap - its the sense of female entitlement and 'rules' that you have to play in the dating game. You can't just be easy going and easy to know - because THAT is a big turn off. Makes perfect sense. I am not making it to easy - I am just being myself. Why is being easy to know such a big personality violation?
Perhaps your right - maybe I should just be a wanker. In fact - I am going to try a social experiment - the next date I go on. I am going to be exactly that - and play by these so called rules. I am going to be a HUGE bastard.
Have them flocking in.
Perhaps your right - maybe I should just be a wanker. In fact - I am going to try a social experiment - the next date I go on. I am going to be exactly that - and play by these so called rules. I am going to be a HUGE bastard.
Have them flocking in.
KiaKaha
Banned
Right. OK - so we have established that females make the rules. Now I have another question - why do females make the rules? What is it exactly that gives women all the power? Why is being available such a massive turn off? Why is being interested such a turn off? Seriously - just level with me - its a fair question - and I think it has its roots in biology. Is it because its too nice? Probably aye... because as its already established being *cough* nice = pushover, needy etc.... oops but sorry, I am getting ahead of myself here...
Here is my new dating profile:
"Shut up, go away, piss off - these are just some of the things you will hear if you decide to date me. I am not particularly interested in knowing you and am really only after sex. I am inconsiderate and have many others girls to choose from so you need to be pretty damn amazing if I am even going to consider talking to you. If you have the benefit, nay honour of me dating you, you will be treated like crap. I will manipulate, control and make you feel bad about yourself."
Winner right?
People eh? We are all ****ed.
Here is my new dating profile:
"Shut up, go away, piss off - these are just some of the things you will hear if you decide to date me. I am not particularly interested in knowing you and am really only after sex. I am inconsiderate and have many others girls to choose from so you need to be pretty damn amazing if I am even going to consider talking to you. If you have the benefit, nay honour of me dating you, you will be treated like crap. I will manipulate, control and make you feel bad about yourself."
Winner right?
People eh? We are all ****ed.
KiaKaha
Banned
I don't know. Just for kicks I guess. Beats hanging around on the street.
I haven't had a girlfriend for 9 years. Had a ton of one night stands and flings etc but who cares about that.
bcsr
Well-known member
Exactly, because only huge bastards get women. You've figured it out. Congratulations.
There's the victim mentality again, it's either black or white, no grey area.
You've heard all the answers that there is to hear over and over on different threads.
Maybe you need to ask different questions,:idontknow:
We all want to see you happy
As for:
Nah we've done that debate to death...
Maybe you need to ask different questions,:idontknow:
We all want to see you happy
As for:
Nah we've done that debate to death...