Kia's Ultimate rejection thread
- Thread starter KiaKaha
- Start date
That's so beautifully put and kind of what I was getting at, though with my clumsy use of the english language it often comes across as cold and distant. :kickingmyself:
coyote
Well-known member
the women you've been dating
that's apparently what they want
you want something different
that's why they end things
coyote
Well-known member
the thing is, KiaKaha, you haven't really shared enough information for us to go on
the devil, as they say, is in the details
without knowing precisely what it is that you have said - and how you have said it - when talking or texting with these women, there is no way to know where you might be going astray
simply from the nature of the comments you have posted on this forum, i suspect that in communicating with a woman you are interested in, you may be prematurely attempting to define and/or confine the relationship in a way that comes across as manipulative or controlling and, at the very least, passive/aggressive.
just because a woman has gone on a couple of dates and seems really into you - or even had sex with you - it doesn't mean she's ready to enter an exclusive relationship. i know from previous debates we've had that you disagree with this - or that you think it should be otherwise. but i hope you can see that even if YOU think things should be different, that that doesn't mean that the women you're dating think things should be different. even worse for her is to have you tell her that she is supposed to. these are mature women. they are their own people, with their own minds. they probably don't take lightly to being told how you think they should conduct their affairs.
next time, trying backing off a little. don't rush into drawing boundaries and defining things. if you like them, date them. as you spend more and more time together, the relationship will begin to define itself. let things develop naturally at their own pace. and for heaven's sake, don't think you need to make up her mind for her. she can do that on her own.
good luck, man
the devil, as they say, is in the details
without knowing precisely what it is that you have said - and how you have said it - when talking or texting with these women, there is no way to know where you might be going astray
simply from the nature of the comments you have posted on this forum, i suspect that in communicating with a woman you are interested in, you may be prematurely attempting to define and/or confine the relationship in a way that comes across as manipulative or controlling and, at the very least, passive/aggressive.
just because a woman has gone on a couple of dates and seems really into you - or even had sex with you - it doesn't mean she's ready to enter an exclusive relationship. i know from previous debates we've had that you disagree with this - or that you think it should be otherwise. but i hope you can see that even if YOU think things should be different, that that doesn't mean that the women you're dating think things should be different. even worse for her is to have you tell her that she is supposed to. these are mature women. they are their own people, with their own minds. they probably don't take lightly to being told how you think they should conduct their affairs.
next time, trying backing off a little. don't rush into drawing boundaries and defining things. if you like them, date them. as you spend more and more time together, the relationship will begin to define itself. let things develop naturally at their own pace. and for heaven's sake, don't think you need to make up her mind for her. she can do that on her own.
good luck, man
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Isn't that really obvious? Men want something that women have, and the one who has the stuff that others want is the one who makes the rules. Supply and demand.
KiaKaha
Banned
Going to respond a bit more fully to everyone else - but just for the moment, just to clarify to bcsr - again- that I don't think women want bastards. I have never actually said that - and I don't believe it either... but I am exaggerating this time - to make a point.
I love how you think I have a victim mentality and how it frustrates you so much. But its all good bud. I can't make you understand - and if you think I am this or that - or whatever - then more power to you.
Will respond to coyote later and my thoughts on that. I have been thinking about this and have spoken to people outside of the forum on their thoughts on the matter (with real actual women!)
Thank you everyone - I know you are trying to help. Thank you especially to Starry and Kiwong - who may not necessarily agree or understand totally, but who beautifully articulate care and compassion through their words and acknowledge that I actually have feelings - and that my continual disappointment hurts me deeply - whether or not any conclusions I come to may be the truth, not the truth or interpreted incorrectly - and that is something I appreciate.
KiaKaha
Banned
Dating is extremely complex and psychological.
I used to think that if you were easy to be around and someone enjoyed your company - that was sufficient. Now - especially when you get older - there is a lot more to it - it is a LOT harder. I am going to try and figure it out. A blue print.
When I was younger - bam - easy as. Now - it is difficult - and I sometimes wonder what exactly has changed - what dynamics have changed. I have an idea - but I am not certain.
I used to think that if you were easy to be around and someone enjoyed your company - that was sufficient. Now - especially when you get older - there is a lot more to it - it is a LOT harder. I am going to try and figure it out. A blue print.
When I was younger - bam - easy as. Now - it is difficult - and I sometimes wonder what exactly has changed - what dynamics have changed. I have an idea - but I am not certain.
coyote
Well-known member
cool!
like i said, my theory is based purely on conjecture
it would be awesome if you would post transcripts of your conversations with any future love interests so we can analyze them more fully
coyote
Well-known member
is there any way you can record it?
KiaKaha
Banned
Maybe - I have a dictaphone, I could record our conversation.... I could take notes of some kind. Is this wrong? ethically? nah...it'll be right..
I am going to develop a strategy and record the MOMENT where it goes wrong.
*IF* there is mutual interest. If either one of us is not interested - I am cool with that. IF there is interest, flirtation and a desire to see one another again - then that is the part that needs close attention..
I am going to develop a strategy and record the MOMENT where it goes wrong.
*IF* there is mutual interest. If either one of us is not interested - I am cool with that. IF there is interest, flirtation and a desire to see one another again - then that is the part that needs close attention..
skins
1
You make 3000 posts on a mental health forum and start thread such as this. What are we supposed to think? That you are fine and just badly done to? C'mon mate pull the other one. I know me and most of the other members here are present because we have MH problems. Are you denying you are unwell and that it is society to blame? I think you need to do some honest soul searching and find the root, when I was your age I lived in denial and it made oh so very angry, infact furious at the world!
I too tried the amateur shrink route, it wasn't until I stamped my feet a bit and got a real professional that I got finally diagnosed with Pure O, SAD and PTSD.
Interesting that your dating history was so very similar to mine in my 20/30's I ended up going celibate for almost 10 years and concentrated on sorting my head out.
although it may have comes across as a little stern, i totally agree with Remus here, there is so little point in blamming anything else other then our mental health issues for failures in dating...i'm in my early 30's now and gave up the dating game around 5 years ago now to try and get my head sorted out first.
its just not fair carrying that sort of baggage into a relationship and trying to make things work, for years i'd try to convince myself that i was normal and that THEY had the problem for breaking it off, and ya know what? in the end all it did was cause me resentment, frustration and anger...why do you need that in your life?
..one thing i do want to ask remus though is how big of an impact do you think seeking professional help achieve? the reason i ask is that i too have gone to the amateur shrink, but have never felt the need to get my condition professionally diagnosed, but would seriously consider it now. My Q is, was this step a beneficial one in your life? or what do you think its achieved. i just wonder the emotions you have to go through pouring your heart out to a M.D in order to get reffered to a proper shrink, is it worth all the turmoil?
Lea
Banned
You´re having dates like on the factory line :bigsmile:
MikeyC
Well-known member
To everyone: I've met Kia in real life and he is far happier and free-flowing than the bag of helplessness that we're seeing on this forum.
I haven't read all of the responses, but I am starting to believe that going on more dates is not going to help you, particularly if they don't end the way you want them to.
I think you have to fix yourself and whatever dating issues you have before you go through more disappointment.
I haven't read all of the responses, but I am starting to believe that going on more dates is not going to help you, particularly if they don't end the way you want them to.
I think you have to fix yourself and whatever dating issues you have before you go through more disappointment.
Getting a diagnosis off a real professional (in my case a leading consultant psychiatrist) made a lot of difference. I was then taken much more seriously and also took curing my own condition more seriously. It was very hard to take on all those problems at once and took them one at a time. The PTSD was about the only one that has not been dealt with yet properly but that one was quite a roller-coaster ride so I've been more reserved about diving head long into psychotherapy with that one. I have reached a much better place on it though.
Yes you really have to scream and shout at your GP, also do some research and have some names of great psychiatrists/therapists ready.
KiaKaha
Banned
Yes. But I am sure that if I pulled it out and started recording the experience it might not go down to well.
It would have to be discreet.
Your probably right Mikey - but the thing is, I don't understand why one minute it's all on - all eager to go forward, then the next its "well your nice but I don't want anything further" - excuse number 57.
I can handle disappointment, but when it happens over and over again - without any understandable reason and a hunch that people are not being honest with me - THAT is what I don't handle very well.
I still intend to reply to Coyote as well because I have some thoughts there but I am tired at the moment and I need to be alert to reply competently.
Srijita52
Well-known member
I agree with this. I haven't met Kia in real life but somehow I do feel he's a great and happy-go-lucky person.
I don't know what to say but I honestly hope things get better Kia.