Kia's Ultimate rejection thread

[KiaKaha]

this is victim talk.

Yeah - I know. But it's how I feel. In order for feelings of rejection to go away - I need to experience acceptance. I know - how all of this sounds, if I were on the receiving end reading this - I would be saying the same thing - but my words are not an accurate illustration of my experience - of the constant pain, sadness and utter loneliness, dissatisfaction and confusion. Being rejected - socially and romantically - over and over and over and over and over and over again - is painful. The message I receive is that I am not good enough - and it is a feeling - a physical feeling that is reinforced every time it happens. You have no idea at the amount of crap I have taken from other people. Quite frankly I am amazed at the amount of resiliency I have - and the fact that I am still able to be reasonably pleasant to others. But the worst thing..... is the disappointment. The good feelings, those fleeting moments of hope and warmth and acceptance - briefly - then the inevitable rejection...that... is the worst feeling.

But I can sense thoughts already...

that is what you seem to perceive that i am saying

but at no time i have i ever expressed this sentiment

if you can't hear what i am saying (maybe it's because i represent something that won't allow you to, i don't know), then maybe reading something like this might help:



maybe it explains my point a view a little clearer

I am experienced with CBT. I try to use CBT techniques regularly. I will read it, but I doubt it will teach me anything I don't already know. Actually Coyote your advice always reminds me of ACT rather than CBT. I don't know man - I mean just for the record I don't have anything personal against you or anything, I do like you as a person, I just can't grasp sometimes your philosophy - if I am misunderstanding, then I am sorry, maybe I just don't get it - but it often feels like mere positive thinking.

but none of it changes the way that I feel

I am going to write up some date rejections to illustrate why I am so confused.

 

[BlueDays]

When I have more energy and I am not feeling so unhappy - I will make an entry about personal rejection. I need answers. It is the way I am wired.

What "answers" are you seeking?
Are you confident you will find your desired answers here, in a forum where users suffer from mental health problems?

but none of it changes the way that I feel.

What do you believe will help you to "change the way that I feel"?

 

[Kiwong]

Even with CBT I find you've got to be unbelievably strong to put a positive spin on some of the truly horrible things the world can throw at you. Hostility, derision, suspicion, name calling, gossip. CBT can work, but you have to have an expectation that quite often you will fail. Embrace the failure, as trying, then savour the wins.

 

[KiaKaha]

What "answers" are you seeking?
Are you confident you will find your desired answers here, in a forum where users suffer from mental health problems?

No I am not. But it sure as hell beats churning away inside my head and stomach until I feel sick.


What do you believe will help you to "change the way that I feel"?

Positive experiences. Acceptance. Reaffirmations. Friendship, companionship, understanding - a feeling that I belong. A smile. A hug - a warm hug.

People think that I make this stuff up. That when I say that strangers (or rather people I dont know but see around regularly) look at me with absolute disgust, with absolute disdain and contempt as if I am just the biggest unworthwhile pile of crap that they have ever seen - it makes me feel bad. The classic reaction I get from strangers usually is the shaking of the head and eye rolling... the "wow there is THAT guy - what a loser" look but there are other kinds too.

But yeah - I wouldn't believe me either. I know how it sounds. It is hard to keep it contained - to pretend that this stuff doesnt bother me. To keep it inside to appear normal. To treat everyone with courtesy and respect on their individual merits - to not fall in the trap of generalizing. It is hard - and takes a great deal of effort to do so.

I also feel - that wanting ^ that ^ above - is selfish, expecting to much and being reliant on others, and it is implied heavily that I cant expect or desire anything from anyone. See people with low self esteem, have low self esteem for a reason and it's not like I want to be like this.

it is nice to see you Kiwong.

 

[Kiwong]

Likewise Kia, good to see you hanging in there mate.

Positive experiences. Acceptance. Reaffirmations. Friendship, companionship, understanding - a feeling that I belong. A smile. A hug - a warm hug.

Not sure you can ever expect much of this in life, it is probably very rare, like an unexpected bonus, when you strike it lucky.

I certianly don't have high expectations, I'd settle for people not being hostile or angry towards me, that's what eats away at my soul.

 

[KiaKaha]

I shall illustrate. This is going to be dangerous.

Name: Natasha.
Age: 35 (I think)


Met online - chatted for about 6 weeks online. Had a lot to talk about, was very excited to meet when it happened. She kept and archived all of my messages because I was intelligent, funny, well spoken and charming (her words) - we only met once - our date lasted for 9 hours. We kissed, held hands and walked on the beach and cuddled each other.

At the end of the night I sent her a text message to say that I had a really great time and that I would see her later in the week. The next morning she said that the only thing she could offer me was friendship. I asked why - and she said because she prefers emotionally distant men and that I was too sweet for her. She then told me that she knew deep down that I would be good for her and said that she had not completely made her mind up about me. I waited for three weeks (we were still communicating - each weekend she was busy) at the end of the fourth week she said she was in a relationship with another guy.

Name: Tina
Age: 36


Met online. Talked for a week, then met in person. Had a nice date, held hands, cuddled and talked about meeting up again. Met again - went well, got physically closer - everything was fine, obviously attracted to me and liked my personality Texted for a few days then heard nothing. Gone. Nothing happened to her because I know she still goes online. Just ignored.

Name: Jane
Age: 40


Met four times. First date was good. Revealed to me personal information that she had "never told anyone" before. Interesting that I am able to invoke such comfort from people. Second date got closer - and third date I stayed at her place. Fourth date I made dinner for her. Eventually the communication dropped completely. Stopped getting any kind of response.


Name: Sara
Age:35


Met through someone I knew. A sweet heart. Kind, compassionate. Strong physical attraction - again told me personal details of her life that she had not told anyone else. Reasons for not pursuing. Too nice - her words.

 

[KiaKaha]

Name: Natasha
Age: 29


Met online - had awesome conversations online, very highly anticipated, had a lot in common. The impression she had was I was genuine, sincere and friendly. Met in person - left within 5 minutes - received a text stating why, I was told I was not physically attractive enough for her.

Name:Annabel
Age:29


Met online - met three times. The third time at the beginning of the date said that she wanted to come away with me on the weekend. Evening went on - at the end of the night said that she was not looking for a relationship - makes perfect sense considering we met on a dating website spoke for a week before hand and wanted to come away on the weekend. What did I do wrong?

Name: Lydia
Age: 36


Met through community action group. Dated three times. They went well - flirtation was there. Was not interested in fourth date. Not sure why, but told that I am a lovely guy and will make someone happy.

That is not to mention all the others whom I dont have snapshots of, all quite similar: Laura, Sarah, Suzy and Marnie.

Times all that by about 10 years times two (and then some - I have met HEAPS of girls) - add that with all the other kinds of social rejection that I experience and what you get... is ME.

 

[KiaKaha]

If the photos are too much or bordering on inappropriateness I will take them down (or the mods can do it)

 

[KiaKaha]

The thing that I dont understand the most - is that these girls are not girls that are not interested at all - they are not incompatible. They all respond well to me, they all initiate with me - they all think I am this really beautiful person (Trying not to sound conceited here, but they say stuff like that to me - really) But its like - when I show interest, or care - they get scared or something... I don't know....they back off fast. It's very strange and I don't know why. I cannot deepen anything. I just cant...instigate that keep factor. It feels GOOD when I was with these women... and over and over - I feel the disappointment each time - it's an awful feeling.

It is very frustrating and discouraging and confusing. All I want is someone who just likes to spend time with me - and that's it...but I feel I have to be all these amazing things and that the slightest mistake...the slightest demerit or mark, the smallest flaw or tiniest non optimal characteristic - if I am not absolutely perfect then everything else that I am is negated. It is not grades - it is pass or fail.

 

[BlueDays]

oh well, it's irrelevant now.

 

[Remus]

If the photos are too much or bordering on inappropriateness I will take them down (or the mods can do it)

Have done, not sure about the legal ramifications but it's best to be safe.

 

[Lea]

Likewise Kia, good to see you hanging in there mate.

Positive experiences. Acceptance. Reaffirmations. Friendship, companionship, understanding - a feeling that I belong. A smile. A hug - a warm hug.

Not sure you can ever expect much of this in life, it is probably very rare, like an unexpected bonus, when you strike it lucky.

I certianly don't have high expectations, I'd settle for people not being hostile or angry towards me, that's what eats away at my soul.

Exactly, that´s what I think as well.

 

[Lea]

Out of all the people you have dated, how many did you not like? I'm asking this because you may be coming across as needing a relationship more than wanting to find that special one person, if that makes sense?

Great thought!

 

[Kiwong]

The positive way to look at it, is that you have no trouble going on dates with girls, and perhaps had some positive experiences although shorty lived. I know you want more.

I've never even been on a date in my life, no one wanted to initiate with me. I guess I turned my back on this kind of thing many years ago, but the hurt and rejection, is a big part of my social anxiety. That cold, horrible, sinking fear.

In a way it's been good, I still have my idependence, and am discovering real happiness in my own comparny, not that of anyone else.

It seems dating is one big dysfunctional game, being played by adolescents masquerading as adults.

Anyway sorry to hijack your thread.

 

[KiaKaha]

I don't understand why you have to post the photos of these women?
How does that help your point?:idontknow:
I know I would not like to have my photo posted on a Website and then have my name, age and critique of the dating experience posted with it, for all and sundry to read.

To prove that I am not making it up, because I feel I have a hard time tying to get people to understand what it is that I am saying. To illustrate that my experience is real.
I knew people were not going to like me doing that anyway.

 

[Remus]

To prove that I am not making it up, because I feel I have a hard time tying to get people to understand what it is that I am saying. To illustrate that my experience is real.

I really don't think anybody thinks you are making it up. I'd say they take it very seriously (hence all the replies). It makes for very sad reading and no wonder you are so bitterly disappointed.

I think you need much better help than you have been getting (i.e. fobbed off with CBT by some amateur shrink). I also think you are right by saying something is seriously wrong. You need someone highly qualified to find out what!

I need answers. It is the way I am wired.

It's obvious this place and our advice is not helping because there's something much worse than SA going on with you and I think most of us here are out of our depth with the issues you have.

 

[KiaKaha]

Out of all the people you have dated, how many did you not like? I'm asking this because you may be coming across as needing a relationship more than wanting to find that special one person, if that makes sense?

Ah. I knew that one was coming. Yeah - it does, but the examples I posted were girls that were interested in ME - a reciprocation, a mutual feeling of attractiveness. I have no problem with girls that I have met and either they don't like me or I don't like them - that's cool. I can handle that, at least everyone knows where they stand (social rejection from strangers on the other hand is a different story) - but it's the excitement - the good feelings, the thrill of meeting someone knowing that they like you just as much as them....and then for some reason - nothing. Either friend zoned or ignored. I don't get it. No one wants to go further with me - and I come to all kinds of crazy conclusions as to why.

I mean - yeah, I know what you mean phocas - I don't NEED a relationship. I just would like some companionship - everyone wants to pair up... I mean, it's natural. I would just like.... a chance... or some honesty. I don't mean to talk myself up here or anything but I am quite...wait for it.... wait for it....


I am quite nice.

Unhappy, confused, frustrated

but most certainly a nice person.

Although I am sure some may disagree.

 

[KiaKaha]

The only reason I am the way I am - is because of how I get treated. If others were a bit nicer to me or a bit more honest, then my skewed way of thinking and the way I feel about the world would be different. I love how like I am seen as this crazy guy who has all these problems and issues and what not - its interesting that via the internet the person who you come across as - is not really the person you truly are. On here... it ALL comes out baby. No one who gets all of their emotional and physical needs met feel the way that I do. There is nothing 'wrong' with me. I am rational, reasonable, sensible (well OK - sometimes that is off) and a pleasant person to know. I don't hurt people, I am not abusive, I don't bully, I am supportive and lenient. I am polite, well mannered to general people and friendly. My problems are a mixture of frustration, confusion, over sensitivity and disappointment. I know very much that I am not perfect, I know that some of the things that befall me are my own doing. I have beend banned twice, I have been arrested twice - and I know that I am in the wrong - but I am not the only one to blame for the way I feel. For some reason - for some.. reason - for some reason... things just don't go my way. Ultimately - all I want is some acceptance. It's quite simple I guess.

 

[KiaKaha]

Thanks Kiwong. I am starting to feel that way myself.

 

[Kiwong]

Of course it hurts like hell, and probably even more so, when you develop feelings that you want to continue, and then nothing more, than when someone says no before you even date them.