Just another journal

[nodejesque]

Sounds like you have very intense dreams. Do you keep a journal? I too, dream regularly. I try to write them down as soon as I wake up, and try to find some kind of meaning to my dream.

And at the very least, you can look back and read about all the crazy adventures you've had while you slept

 

[jaim38]

^I've been having intense dreams these days. Potential for lucid dreaming? Perhaps. I've tried to lucid dream several times in the past but have not been successful so far. I've had at most 2-3 lucid dreams, that's it. I know people recommend keeping a dream journal as a first step to lucid dreaming, so I've done that and got better dream recall but no progress in regards to lucid dreaming.

Ok, today I had this song stuck in my head: 'hot and cold' by Katy Perry. There's this line I remember specifically: "Someone call the doctor! There's a case of bipolar..." Today I checked my inbox and got an email from a brain doctor that we have an appointment with him tomorrow!?!?! I don't remember my dad mentioning any appointment with his brain doctor...

Today, I'm very nervous. I'll be having a phone chat with another volunteer. I know I said I'll be looking forward to the call but inside, I'm all jello. I haven't prepared yet. There's no script to go by, perhaps some talking points but that's it.

Last Sunday, I spoke to another volunteer and still felt a little nervous on the phone because there was no script. Plus, I find myself forgetting some of the stuff she mentioned. It went alright, I gave myself a pat on the back for the effort. Let's see, how to improve from my last effort...I could jot down notes on paper so I won't forget, try to focus more, and eliminate filler words like "uhms, aws", etc.

 

[jaim38]

I hope people don't judge me by the thoughts in my head. I get negative thoughts everyday, literally, and I have no control over some of these thoughts. I don't claim ownership over any of these thoughts, because I know that ultimately, I am the being behind these thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. In other words, Thoughts are not Me. Sometimes I find myself suppressing negative thoughts even though mindfulness teaches me to observe the thoughts without suppressing them, because I was afraid of being punished over these thoughts. Imagine if I was actually punished over every curse word and negative thought I have. That would suck! I've heard about freedom of speech being curtailed in certain countries, but freedom of thought? I hope 1984 doesn't become reality.

 

[jaim38]

So I just got back from this hour-long convo with another volunteer, and OMG! I can't help but think I gave off some awkward vibes during the convo! One interesting thing that I noticed is that at certain times, I was unconsciously trying to act/sound like an extravert! So, the volunteer was talking about how she loves doing emails. I don't know why, but I went ahead and spoke about how emails can be inefficient so phone calls and meetings are sometimes necessary. In my head, I was like "WTF! What did you even mention this?" Externally, I was pretending to be a bit extraverted. We all know that social phobics like you and me love emails and avoid more intense social interactions.

There were some awkward pauses, but I tried my best to fill them. The convo definitely kept me on my toes. I was trying to hard to come up with things (including important things) to talk about. Speaking off the cuff, without a script, isn't easy. I can tell she spoke better than I in terms of 1) coming up with topics to discuss, 2) voice volume, 3) I can detect no hoarseness in her voice.

Ok, I realize I might be focusing so much on my own awkwardness that I don't pay attention to other people's quirks. I'm sure we have moments of weaknesses/awkwardness at times.

What surprised is that I didn't jot down many notes at all! Maybe 2 words and that's it. I thought I would forget some of the stuff being mentioned, but that didn't happen quite often at all. I must doing something right! Perhaps Lumosity and meditation practices helped improve my concentration?

Towards the end, I didn't know how to end the convo because we've been speaking for over an hour, so I said something like, "I'm just gonna leave you to your toddler..." WTH, I should have said something like, "I'm sorry for taking so much of your time. I'm sure your son needs you." Something like that would've sound better and made more sense!

Overall, I am proud of myself for taking the time to speak with her. I could have made up excuses like in the past, avoid speaking to people, but I decided to man up and just do it! I've definitely improved my convo skills a bit, perhaps? Kudos to me!

 

[jaim38]

So, I was watching this show and it turned tragic. This woman, who was held hostage by corrupt politicians, decided to commit suicide. She seemed resolute that suicide is the answer to the problem. I couldn't help but think, "Isn't there another way out? What about her husband and son? Does she care what happens to them?" Then, it flashed forward to her husband trying to find her body in the sea, and her 2-3 years old son sitting near the doorway, sad and lonely.

It just made me realize how selfish it is to commit suicide. Before, I used to have this notion that suicide would be an answer to all my troubles, but I never really cared about what my loved ones would think.

My mom told me that in the preview of future episodes, the woman's husband will end up marrying another woman. For some reason, this didn't sit right with me. I know the marriage vow goes "till death do us part", which means when one of the couple dies the deal is off and the other one alive is free to remarry. But, this made me feel sad because even marriage is not an everlasting bond - it ends after death. If I died and found out my partner/husband whom I'm very much in love with is hooking up with another woman, I'd be angry and hurt.

 

[MikeyC]

So, I was watching this show and it turned tragic. This woman, who was held hostage by corrupt politicians, decided to commit suicide. She seemed resolute that suicide is the answer to the problem. I couldn't help but think, "Isn't there another way out? What about her husband and son? Does she care what happens to them?" Then, it flashed forward to her husband trying to find her body in the sea, and her 2-3 years old son sitting near the doorway, sad and lonely.

Suicide is selfish, but for some who are living in utter despair, it can be seen as the only release they have. You certainly are not thinking of others when you go through with it, but the ultimate helplessness you feel to even begin taking your own life makes you think you're being selfless, simply by not having others worry about you anymore.

As someone who's contemplated suicide, and still has those thoughts, the selfishness of the act isn't cared about.

If I died and found out my partner/husband whom I'm very much in love with is hooking up with another woman, I'd be angry and hurt.

But...you'd be dead. :thinking: You wouldn't feel angry and hurt.

Even if you could, would you want your husband feeling sad for the rest of his life, or do you want him to be happy, even if it means finding another woman? In this hypothetical situation, he has to eventually think about his own well-being.

 

[jaim38]

I was in the middle of exercising when memories from the recent past suddenly flooded my mind. Negative memories, that is. They almost ruined my whole workout. I had to stop and tell myself to acknowledge these memories and move on.

 

[jaim38]

I've been noticing a common theme throughout my life. Why is it that I don't have any social courage? When someone bullies me, I am too afraid to stand up for myself. Sometimes I wish I had 1 or more sisters in my family because people with sisters tend to be better at socializing. I can name many examples of ladies with sisters who have better social skills than ladies like me who have no sisters. Also, my family's not really normal so there's no role model I could look up to. It's just that, socialization skills should be taught at home, at least for normal people, but in my case, they're not. I must struggle to learn how to socialize and express myself outside of home, because I don't have people at home to practice with or bounce ideas off of, but practicing outside isn't ideal because some people aren't so forgiving of social mistakes. I made a lot of social mistakes, more than I could count, and they really brought down my self esteem/confidence.

When I talk to people, sometimes they tell me to speak up. They think I'm too quiet. However, when I get home, my brother thinks I'm too loud. He says I have to lower my voice more and stop agitating the neighbors. I was confused for a period of time.

Sometimes, I think I should be more girly, like other girls. But, I don't have any sisters, so I don't really know how to interact with girls. I think I treat both guys and girls alike. I don't do the hugs, intimate talks, or other things that I see girl friends do. I only have a limited range of facial expressions. I'm not highly animated like other people.

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - Evernote's Phil Libin: The modest $1bn boss

I didn't know the CEO is a shy geek/nerd, just like me!

"If I'm at a party, I'm usually the guy standing to the side pretending to check emails on my phone," he says. "But I'm trying really hard to get better. I have handlers who point me at the right person to talk to."

Me too! But lucky him, he has handlers to ask for help.

"Back when we started Engine Five I became the chief executive because out of the three of us I was the weakest programmer," he says.

"That was how it started, despite me never having had a management job.

"That was in 1997 and I'm still waiting for someone to challenge the fact I'm still a chief executive. But I've had the job now for 17 years, so people assume I know what I'm doing."

I remember I was part of a team for a consulting project. I was unwillingly made project manager of the team because I wasn't particularly good at coding, nor was I good at technical writing. At volunteer work, I was promoted to a supervisory position despite me having no management experience. I used to dread this a lot, as in "what the h*ll have I gotten myself into?" As part of my duties, I had to induct new volunteers, and before every Skype call, I would freak out like crazy. But, I'm settling into my role, and discovering that perhaps I'm even enjoying it. Is it a blessing in disguise? Perhaps.

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - Is it good for people to fail occasionally?

Just thought I'd share this. Failure can be a blessing in disguise.

"If your venture doesn't work out, but you did everything you could to make it a success, that's what we call an honest failure, and that's seen as an honourable thing," says McTavish.

"Whereas if your venture didn't work out because you spent too much time at networking events, you weren't doing your customer research and you were just lazing around, then that's what we would call a dishonest failure."

If failure can train us to be more courageous in life, we should also be just as brave at recognising and shouting about success.

The year after failure week, Wimbledon High School ran "blow your own trumpet" week. As Hanbury explains, it is not only time to take the "sting out of failure" but also the "embarrassment out of pride."

There are many more passages I want to quote, but I highly recommend reading the entire article for a better grasp of the message.

 

[jaim38]

So I just got off this phone call with a new volunteer. I find myself acting all bubbly and trying to sound excited or something - I guess one of the ways I try to fake an outgoing personality. But, this time I've been noticing something: I actually enjoyed the conversation! I thought it was fun! I don't know if it's because I'm talking with a fellow geek and find common ground, but I definitely feel comfortable and great talking to him. Yesterday, I also had a good time speaking with another volunteer. Something's changing inside of me - I think I am going from "fake it till you make it" to "fake it till you become it." I'm slowly becoming it! I'm definitely a lot from this volunteer role, and I have no doubt I'll continue to grow as I go along.

 

[jaim38]

So, there's this volunteer who went missing for almost 2 months and suddenly came back. We were worried about his well-being because all attempts to reach him were futile. I'm not sure if he was itnentionally ignoring us or what. So he suddenly sends us an email saying he's still active and asking some questions about the work (which he, uh, didn't supervise!). The thing is, we've already recruited someone to fill his position because we thought he was gone for good.

I don't think this position is right for him, because he doesn't seem to take volunteering with us seriously. I won't give him back his position. That's not the hard part. I have to deal with communicating this entire thing, honestly, to him! Social etiquette tells us that we should convey bad news in person or on the phone, not in email. I'm pretty sure I could just send him a nice, sympathetic email and just be done with it all, but wouldn't that be pretty cold? I would come across as uncaring and perhaps rude. I am feeling the chills as I'm typing thsi and thinking about what to do.

Ok, just take a deep breath. I don't like rejecting people because I suck at it. So question is, phone or email?

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - No country for single women

I can so relate to this woman. It's just not just India though, over here in the US there is pressure to get a bf/gf. I agree with her that holding out for Mr.Right is better than settling anytime. In the past, people try to pair me up with classmates, friends, etc, but I didn't think they were right for me.

 

[jaim38]

BBC News - Closing the 'word gap' by teaching parents to talk to babies

I thought it was interesting that kids from wealthier families learn a broader vocabulary compared to kids from poorer backgrounds. I see this in school, even in advanced/honors classes that I used to take. The richer kids are often more fluent, well-versed in speech, and argue better. I am from a working class family and often feel like I can't express myself/argue well with other people partly due to my limited vocabulary. I notice I kept using the same words over again, like I couldn't think of better synonyms to replace them.

 

[jaim38]

My brother's kinda paranoid, that's why I don't tell him many things that I do. Last time when I told him my friend will come over, he doesn't trust her at all. He thinks she could be in cahoots or perhaps spied on by bad guys. He gave me a long lecture of what I should and should not tell my friend because she could be untrustworthy. If I tried to argue and pursue this matter further, he'll probably ask me to break off ties with her!

I dare not tell him about my volutneer work, because then he'll get really paranoid and start going crazy.

 

[jaim38]

So I just got off the phone with a new volunteer. I think the phone call went alright overall, but in the middle of the convo, my tone of voice started changing for some reason. I started going deadpan at certain times, and it makes me sound like a bit condescending. Thankfully, I caught myself doing that and had to vary up my tonal inflections to sound normal again. Overall, the call went well.

Looking back, I feel I've made a lot of progress over the years in conquering my social anxiety. I handled several calls today, whereas a year ago I might come up with excuses to avoid. I'm also not as self-conscious and was able to cut down significantly on talking nonsense. I'm not a great conversationalist yet though, I still need to work on this.

Some of the stuff that I've worked on include: eliminating repetition (as in repeating questions or things that I've just said), word salad, trying hard not to use fillers (but sometimse I find myself using them), and tonal inflection (which can change the meaning of words entirely, if used incorrectly).

 

[jaim38]

I had a bad dream today. I dreamt that I was intentionally picking a fight with 2 nice girls that I used to know. In real life, I had 0 animosity towards them. They gave me no reason to dislike them. But in my dream, I for some reason started hating on them. The row turned into a big fight. I knew i was in the wrong but didn't back down. In real life, this will never happen, hopefully.

 

[jaim38]

So, I want to volunteer at this animal shelter but don't know how to break it to my parents. For one thing, my mom doesn't like cats and some dogs. My dad's neutral, aka neither hates nor likes animals. We've had pets, as in hamsters and fish before, but my dad thinks they're just adding to household costs. Plus, none of my family members are vegetarian. A few years back when I floated the idea of becoming vegetarian, they were totally against it. I had to do it in secret, aka as in lying and throwing away meat when they're not looking. That didn't last long, but I was able to lead a vegetarian lifestyle away from home for a year.

Now I'm back in my parents' house and pretty much living off their support. I found this nearby animal shelter that offered hands on experience with animals, which I really want to try out. There is an orientation coming up soon. However, if I want to take the car and go, my parents will be asking me questions like "where are you going?", "what are you doing with the car?", etc. I have several options here. A) I can lie my way to volunteering, or B) I can risk it all by telling them the truth, and there's a 99% chance they'll argue with me against going. I've lied before but felt really horrible about it.

Ok, here's a 3rd option: I can get a job first, which means afterwards I can do whatever I want. If I want to buy stuff or go somewhere, my parents can't say no because I won't be using their money. Moreover, I won't feel as guilty as I would if I had lied. Also, if I want to go vegetarian, I can! I don't have to worry about mooching off my parents' food.

 

[jaim38]

So, despite the odds against me, I took the courage to ask my parents what they think about me volunteering at an animal shelter. My dad, surprise surprise, was supportive of this! He said I can try it out. I didn't lie to him at all. I told him the truth, in a cautious way. I was really happy to hear him support me in this. In contrast, when I told my mom, she made a bad face (like a grimace or something) and flat out rejected my proposal. She had concerns, mostly about bacteria being spread from animals to humans. Yes, there is this risk too - I'm sure there are risks with almost everything we do. Last time that I volunteered at the hospital, I had to get all the required shots so I would be vaccinated against certain diseases. It's the same process at the animal shelter. I'm not sure if I could convince her though. I'm not pre-med or pre-nursing anymore, but I'm still interested in doing something for animals.

I was a bit late today, in getting all the paperwork ready and stuff so I missed the orientation. I will definitely go next week. I'm really excited, yet a bit nervous at the same time. I hope this will be a wonderful experience.

 

[jaim38]

So today I decided to go out for a little sunshine. I went out and was disappointed to see a lot of clouds overhead. There was no sunshine, because of the cloudy overcast. I saw an airplane zoom through the clouds. It didn't make a trail. Will it rain tomorrow or not? It's hard to tell. I also heard loud music from the neighbors somewhere. I got a little anxious because my mom has a bad reputation around the neighborhood. What if the neighbors heard me and say something like, "I don't like her. Everyone hates her." It will bring back feelings of ostracization. I know i'm not supposed to care about what other people say. I went inside earlier than expected, instead of staying out for 10 min like I usually do. I also tried to walk quietly, to be careful not to draw attention to myself.

I'm thinking I should go back out and conquer this fear. Why the heck am I so afraid of walking in my own backyard? I'm going to force myself to stay out for 10 min and then come back in.