Just another journal

[jaim38]

Today was a mixed bag. I did make an effort to socialize a bit, at the hospital and at the market. I had an awkward experience at the market. When it came time for us to checkout, I walked up to the cashier and looked at her face. She looked like she was in a bad mood. I was gonna say something along the lines of "good morning, how are you doing?" but something held me back. It felt like my throat got stuck and nothing wanted to come out. In the end, I just didn't say anything. Maybe she looked threatening to me, which kind of scared me off. Instead, I went over to the bagger and said something like "hello, how are you doing?" but received no response. Double awkwardness. I was embarassed and stood there feeling like a failure, but then I told myself, "Don't give up! So what - I can turn this around!" So, eventually I made an effort to say "Thank you" to the bagger and bid her goodbye. Like I said, today was a mixed bag, but I'm glad I didn't give up! The cashier turned out to be nicer than she looks, so my first impressions were all wrong.

My dad is a pro when it comes to socializing! I could learn a thing or two from him.

 

[jaim38]

I am getting better at the social rejection thing. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I'm also plucking up more courage to greet people and say thank you, so kudos to me! I am proud of myself for trying and continuing to learn and grow as I go along.

 

[jaim38]

Honestly, my leadership role is still so new to me. For one thing, I didn't have a job description until very recently when I drafted one (intended for others, but I could use it too for myself). It is hard filling in these shoes. I have little experience with partnerships. So, there's this org that we reached out to for partnership but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I'm really bad at speaking off the cuff especially when it comes to introducing myself or trying to sell people something. In fact I think my colleagues are doing better than me, which means either I'm not suitable for this role or I need to step up my game? It would require getting out of my comfort zone and doing things I've never tried doing before. I think I'm learning more from my colleagues who I'm grateful for their support.

 

[jaim38]

I have always wondered why I am not good at thinking logically. I sometimes make decisions that seem highly irrational, the opposite of what other people would do. For instance, instead of taking the shortcut, I take the longer detour! What was I thinking?! :kickingmyself: The lack of reasoning ability is probably one reason why I did so poorly in my computer science classes. At first, I attribute it to gender. Is is the fact that girls are not as good at reasoning logically as well as guys? And then, it hit me that the environment plays a strong role in a child's development. Looking back at my life, I wasn't raised to be logical/rational. For starters, at least 2 people in my family are out of their minds. I've been influenced by them for so, many, years. For a short period of time, I was just as paranoid and highly emotional as they were. I did things that no normal person would do. I'm not proud of my actions at all.

Now, I'm trying to deconstruct the mental barriers I've been held in.

 

[jaim38]

I don't want to live in Canada for the rest of my life. Even though I've heard many positives about it such as people being nicer, I don't think it's the right place for me.

Let's think of a scenario. What if you are taken hostage by a group of people and the only reason they are helping you is because they want something from you. They are helping you to achieve "the dream" but in return, they demand something. Of course, nobody wants to be in this situation. They want to be free eventually. Just give them the gold, return the victim to his/her family, and be done with this! But, what if the group of people decide not to return the victim, as in holding him/her as a perpetual hostage and constantly demanding something in return? It would suck 100X for sure. Even worse is the victim is kept unaware, and over time Stockholm syndrome sets in. This is certainly an unpleasant situation to be in.

I know who I like, and I'm not going to change my mind.

 

[jaim38]

Today, I did better than last time. I actually interacted with the cashier and bagger. I know people say "it's their job to greet you", but I'm doing this to cultivate empathy. I remember watching this MOOC lecture and the instructor talked about how important empathy is in design thinking. She said cultivating empathy starts at home, and one of the tips she gave is becoming an explorer in our own homes. A simple activity such as grocery shopping might be overlooked by others but can be good practice to start connecting with people, strangers.

Highlights of today: I interacted with both cashier and bagger, which is something new. Good job!

What I need to work on: smiling more. Without having to look at myself in the mirror, I already know I come off as flat and perhaps a bit unfriendly. When a little girl smiled at me, I didn't smile back. I quickly looked away and continued picking tomatoes. Neutral is my default reaction - it takes a lot of effort for me to smile, both physically and mentally. I guess I have to practice more.

 

[jaim38]

I remember reading this article a while back:

BBC News - Living inside the house of surrogates

Surrogacy has become a commercial business in India. There is a dorm where a group of surrogate moms live while carrying the babies of other people. One of the women who was surveyed said she was doing this for money in order to feed her family. She wanted her family to have a better future. During the pregnancy she probably bonded with the child inside her because after she gave birth, she broke down in tears. I remember going, "It's so heartbreaking!" when I read about this. Unsurprisingly, the woman said she won't be recommending the surrogacy experience to her daughter. I also empathize with the woman. I won't be having any children soon or in the future, I hope, but if I do have children, I'd rather have them with the person I love rather than just some random person. And, honestly speaking, I don't know if I can ever love a child who just came out of the blue. I'd probably be too traumatized to even want to deal with this again. Just my honest opinions.

 

[jaim38]

I'm feeling a bit lost and confused. There's this online course I'm taking where the members are scattered across the globe. They require regular participation. Time is a big issue for me. The time for the next meeting is way too early for me. I wake up around that time! So I was thinking about requesting a change in meeting time, but then I realize there's this guy from Australia and if I try to push the starting time 1 hour ahead, it will be midnight for him (or over midnight) and it's not reasonable to business skype with someone over midnight. It's just weird! They also have very active members who are busy drafting the business plan, and it looks like they know what they're doing so I can't really tell where I fit in or where I can help.

I'm considering dropping out of the group, or waiting until later to contribute. I also joined another group because I liked the idea, but not sure how that will work out.

 

[jaim38]

I think there's this rumor going around amongst my dad's relatives' circle that I am a big, greedy eater. I'm not sure how or why I was perhaps labeled as such. I used to attend family gatherings regularly, and this was in elementary, middle, and part of high school. I'd eat food at the relatives' houses. Eventually, I stopped going to the family gatherings because some relative accused my family of only going to gatherings to eat and not for anything else. Perhaps they have a point. I was very quiet back then and didn't socialize much at the gatherings. Smae for my brother. Moreover, we rarely invite people to our house to eat, whereas the relatives often invite the family over to eat. Over time, we got less invites.

I'm not sure if this is a good reason to hate us. Or maybe, it's just another excuse that the bullies came up with to hate us, along with calling us stupid and looking down on us not owning smartphones and whatnot. Regardless, I should be wary of associating myself with such people. I think they're very practical but also very materialistic in a sense.

 

[jaim38]

Today I had an all too familiar dream. Some random guy was gossiping negatively about me. He was telling another person that everybody hates me. I felt the onset of a paralysis attack and my body going into fight or flight mode. I have 2 options: approach this guy and talk to him, or run. I feel like doing the latter. I started getting flashbacks from the past where the exact same thing occurs. I would be sitting in class and then overhear some random person suddenly talking trash about me. I later realize I don't even know this person, and wonder how this person know about me. And I keep thinking it's not fair because this person doesn't know cr*p about me but just kept talking like he/she has known me for years. And then before I know it, the whole class hears negative rumors about me and I become the black sheep. Probably the worst part is, the people who I used to speak to suddenly become cautious/lukewarm with me, probably because they heard rumors and don't want to associate with me anymore. Not all of them though.

 

[jaim38]

I don't plan to attend a job fair today because I looked up the positions available, many of which are not the ones I'm interested in and/or don't qualify for. There's the assistant store manager position which I looked up and found out it requires 2-3 years of retail experience which I don't have. There's another position at some petrochemical company, but I'm not interested in going into the oil and gas industry. I don't know if I'm being too picky.

 

[jaim38]

I went to TM yesterday and delivered a speech. I tried something I've never done before: pace around the stage while talking. I did get some helpful tips which helped prepare me too. I messed up several times during the speech, first when I forgot my lines and second, when I started slurring words and spouted out really random things (I have no idea why I did that!). But, every time, I tried to move past my mistakes and did my best on everything else. Picking myself up after failing every time. I am so proud of myself for doing my best!

During the speech, I find myself trying to make eye contact with people, as suggested in the feedback given. I found myself looking more at some people than at others, probably because they look nice and approachable, but I am aware of the fine line between looking and staring and try not to do the latter.

Going to TM, I always try to do something new, in order to learn and grow. Whether it's tkaing on a new role, or trying out new body language, I find myself frequently stepping out of my comfort zone and learning from the new experiences.

 

[jaim38]

I woke up alright but felt a little bad as soon as my mind started having negative flashbacks to the past. I also find myself imagining different scenarios as possible approaches to the problem. I have 2 deaths in my dad's family lately, which is a tragedy of course, but going to the funeral scares me even more. I went to my grandma's funeral and met all sorts of negative people who kept trash talking me. Last sunday, it was the same thing. I apologized to 1 relative hoping we'd make amends and set the past behind us, but next thing I know, she went behind my back and continued with her old ways! I don't regret what I did, but now at least I know I can't trust her or her lies. Now, we have an upcoming funeral, for her brother, and honestly, I don't think her brother even likes me (when he's alive) because I heard his sister tells him bad stuff about me. So, I think I should skip out on the funeral like my brother will, because we're not even close to him or his family, who apparently doesn't like me for the most part.

I make an effort to be nice, and I get shot down. Now, this pain is eating at me. I absolutely dread the next time we meet, because I know I'll get shot down again no matter what I do. Those people are so unforgiving and mean. Hearing them talk also makes me cringe.

It also makes me uncomfortable that an aunt mentioned we are all "one blood" and should stick together. I don't agree with her at all on this, but didn't want to hurt her feelings so I didn't say anything about it.

I don't want to make my dad's relatives a central part of my life. My dad look down on my mom's relatives because they didn't go to college and some of them didn't work, but honestly, I could connect better with my mom's relatives. They're more personable and approachable.

At the end of the day, I'm not looking to change anyone. I don't regret the apology, or the attempts to engage with backstabbers. I feel like I'm in grade school, but growing stronger from all the social itneractions with people. One of the reasons why I isolated myself from others is fear of social interactions, fear of getting hurt by people. As I started going out more, meeting different types of people, I get hurt but this time I'm tkaing a different approach. Rather than run away from my emotions, I want to learn to feel them, no matter how uncomfortable or how much it hurts. Be in the present moment rather than escaping from it. Learning to find comfort in discomfort. And, rather than giving up on all people after experiencing negative situations, I want to try to avoid overgeneralizing/stereotyping and tell myself that there are good people in this world who can better appreciate me.

 

[jaim38]

I just came back from what was a bad experience at the dental office. First, the receptionist who handled me was on the phone a lot. That looked a bit unprofessional. Then I got called in the dentist and his assistant started examining my teeth. The assistant took my x-ray like 3 times , each time with a plastic bag wrapped around the slider thing in my mouth. The dentist examined my x-ray and said I had several cavities. I was horrified and asked for an explanation. He said there was a dent in one of my teeth which is a cavity, so I told him that I had another dentist (actually 2) checked it out in the past and determine it wasn't a cavity. He said it looks like one. The dental assistant was nice, but at the end she started flossing my teeth real hard or something and saying that my teeth are too crowded! I never had this comment before about my teeth. I had braces and stuff to straighten them out! I should also mention that the dentist said I had a root canal done on the LOWER left part of my mouth, which is NOT true! I don't remember having any root canal done in that part of my mouth.

I came out of there wanting to run away and never go back. My mom was lucky in that she couldn't come today so had her appointment canceled. Her friend actually recommended this dentist so my mom decided to check them out. Too bad we're not coming back!

 

[jaim38]

I forgot to mention that I heard the dentist said "I really don't know...she asked me" after my visit with him. I wonder if he knows what he's doing. I suddenly thought of this woman from China who was ripped off by some dentist. Originally, she came in for some minor fix but then had her teeth chipped so much that they now look very very loose! She's now horrified by her smile. So, I think it's important to find a dentist who's smart and capable of what they're trained to do.

 

[jaim38]

I don't know if I'm slacking off on my job search. In the past 5 months after graduating from college, I only sent out 1 job application, and that was to a PM position. Was I being too picky with my job search? I had this idea that I need to find a good company to work for, a company that resonates with my values and beliefs. I checked out each company's mission and culture. I also went to Glassdoor to read reviews. I know there are many jobs out there that I might qualify for, jobs such as cashier and waitressing, but I don't want to waste my college degree and experience on these jobs! Gosh, I'm so lost and confused! Where do I start? I need to come up with some long-term career plan.

What's been taking so long is the resume tailoring. For each position that I apply for, I plan to change my resume to fit the position. The past month was particularly busy for me because of 1) the funerals and related things I have to attend to, 2) backlog of volunteer work I have to attend to due to funeral breaks, 3) MOOC coursework and project I'm doing, 4) did I mention I took my friend's parents out for a ride and suffered a car breakdown earlier this week? 5) something's wrong with my dad's leg so I had to take him to some chiropractor and buy him kneecaps, 6) Toastmasters!

So freaking busy this past month!

 

[jaim38]

Externally, I look like an adult. I can vote, drive, rent my own place, etc. But, internally, I feel like a little kid. I haven't dated, haven't had a first real job, haven't held hands with a guy I like, haven't visited the countries that I want to visit, haven't been to astroworld or hollywood, etc etc. I am not ready to be any mom, much less being anyone's stepmom! Sometimes, I envy my friends. They're having the perfect life in some faraway place and I'm stuck here.

I have top priorities that I need to take care of at this time, so I'm pushing aside dating and romance, at least for the next 3-5 years. I have student loans I need to pay, a job I need to get, parents I gotta take care of, career ahead of me, etc. I need to build up self worth and self confidence, faith and trust in myself and my ability to be good.

I remember watching Teen Moms and they show a young teen couple with kids. Now thinking about it, it reminds me of the Japanese manga Kodomo no Kodomo, child of a child. If I do have a kid now, I would be exactly like that. I don't have money, job, or maturity to support the kid.

 

[jaim38]

Today, I had an eye opening conversation with my dad at the water station. We had problems earlier with the cart, when it just won't budge at all. I talked to my dad about it, and he said it's probably something faulty with the cart. Then I said, why don't we ask a lot attendant, maybe they would know. At that, my dad got annoyed. He said don't go around asking people too many questions because they won't like it. I was very surprised to hear this. I thought my dad's very good with people, but here he is telling me to not ask people questions. So, I said "but I'm just asking them this once, that's it! It's not like I bug them every time I come here." So I took the chance and asked a lot attendant, who then explained everything to me. I'm glad I asked. I realize my dad has flaws and isn't dissing him here. I just think there are times when we need info or help and so we gotta go and ask people. Otherwise, we remain ignorant.

 

[jaim38]

A lot has happened today. I went to TM meeting and had a good time, but there were some tidbits. First, I laughed at inappropriate moments of the speeches. I laughed when someone said her date was in debt, but then I thought about my student loans and regret doing that. There were other moments too. I don't know why I laughed. Maybe because someone laughed so I followed along. Next time, I should think before laughing.

Second, I didn't have the nerve to say hi to people from across the room. I was kinda shy doing that and my voice wasn't loud enough. I need to get comfortable somehow.

Third, I was disappointed I didn't do my speech. I was so busy with volunteer and job search this week, plus daydreaming too much and losing my focus so I pretty much didn't get to the speech. I need to get that going.

Fourth, it was my first time doing professional videotaping. I've done personal videotaping, but never for professional reasons. I find myself making mistakes here and there, but it was quite a learning experience.

Overall, I'm glad I came. It was fun and I had a great time.

 

[jaim38]

A lot has been on my mind lately. Let's start with my imagination. I've been deeply involved in this fantasy world. At first things were OK and there was peace, but then conflicts erupted which turned everyone against me. How did this happen? It was all due to my thoughts! That's right, everyone in my fantasy world disliked me for having negative bad thoughts. I was made to feel shame and guilt every time I get bad thoughts. My fantasy characters communicate via telepathy and get easily hurt by negative thoughts. They tell me to control my thoughts better. This is so freakin hard. I think before I act, I think before I say something, but now I'm being told to think before I think?!! This is totally nuts!

Ok, the daydreaming/fantasy felt so real that it's scary. There were signs which I should have heeded. First is the fact that the fantasy characters are with me 24/7. I could never take a break. So I asked do they ever sleep, and they responded no, we never sleep. I don't know anyone who never sleeps...
So, there were telltale signs that this fantasy world ain't real, that points to the fact that it's all in my head. But sometimes I forget, I keep getting pulled back into the world. The characters kept telling me they're real, but I'm not sure...

Which brings me to the question: what if the fantasy world is real and the characters do exist? Let's see, do I want to have friends who communicate via telepathy only and punish me for every single negative thought I have? Do I want to have friends who keep putting me down? Imagine my fantasy characters coming to life and I get to meet them for real. It would be very awkward! I'd still stay away from them. I don't want people reading my thoughts without my permission.

On a deeper issue, I am disturbed by the negative thoughts I have, but as long as I don't say them or identify with them, then it's OK right? I also feel guilty for repeating negative thoughts in my head and hurting my fantasy characters. I keep telling them that I'm not good at this whole virtual world interaction and I want out. I don't want to be a part of this anymore.

A few days ago, I've called it quits with the virtual world. I'm not going back.
I don't think i'm the only one with this issue. A while back, I came upon the term maladaptive daydreaming, and several forums dedicated to this topic. It's good to know this is something that a lot of other people do, too.