Just another journal

[jaim38]

Ok, so someone rang the doorbell today and immediately, my heart was racing. I could feel my anxiety increasing. I had to go to the door to greet an tech rep for my Internet company. So, he came out here today to inform us of the change in the lines they're using. They're upgrading stuff in the area. The guy had superb social skills, no question about that. Throughout the whole convo, I was having severe problems with eye contact. I also found myself shaking a bit. I couldn't maintain eye contact for long and had to look down and found myself looking at his pants so had to look up! Ahhh! I don't know if I creeped him out becuase he moved sideways, so I found myself looking at houses across the street which is good.

Regardless of the negatives, I really did try to have a good convo with him. I nodded and tried to listen to what he was saying even though I was shaking and couldn't maintain eye contact. Props for the effort!:applause:

Overall, it wasn't so bad. I definitely need to work on my eye contact and the shaking (though, it was like freezing out there so I doubt he could tell that I shaking out of anxiety).

 

[jaim38]

I had one of the worst nightmares ever. So I dreamt my brother wanted to use me for his experiments. He wanted to cut my arm up with knives. At first I obeyed and hoped it wouldn't hurt but at the last minute I got scared and backed out. I told him I didn't want to participate in his experiments. He got angry and I ran away to hide. Believe it or not, I even feel guilty/ashamed for making him angry. I told my mom but that didn't help. I hid in the closet and was soon discovered by my brother. He pursued me and tried to cut me up with sharp needles. Then I woke up with my heart racing so fast I stayed awake for a few minutes.

 

[jaim38]

So yesterday I had a series of bizarre dreams. One of the dreams was about me being in a team with a bunch of girls. I recognized one of them as a former classmate, and the other as the friend of a former bully. We were competing against other teams. Several times, the teacher called us up to the blackboard to write something but I was too scared/shy to go up there. Then, the friend of the former bully started saying negative things about me, so I could tell she doesn't like me. It's like the whole team was against me.

Another dream I had was about me being in class and for some reason, I was blushing when I saw this familiar guy. I got really shy too. Then I woke up from my dream and I heard some guy's voice said "break up" one or 2 times.

First of all, let me say there's a big difference between crush, lust, and love. Crush/infatuation/limerance is a superficial feeling of attraction. It's a temporary emotion of affection. I've had several crushes in the past, all of which were temporary obsessions with some person which died down after I moved away, never saw them again, or I stopped tracking them online (yes, I'm guilty of facebook stalking in the past). Crush is NOT equivalent to love.

Lust is more like physical sexual attraction for someone which extends beyond a mere crush or innocent puppy love. It's the desire to "score" someone and have sex with him/her. Love might not be present.

Love is something that goes beyond emotion. I'm not sure how to define it but I fear words won't do it justice. I am by no means an expert on love, but I have seen and experienced instances of it. When a couple sticks together through both good and bad times rain or shine, that's love. When your family embraces you for who you are whether you're gay, straight, male, female, successful or not, that's love.

Now, I mentioned before that I've had all these crushes in the past on classmates, celebs, and fiction characters. Just because I have a crush one some person/character doesn't mean I want to have sex or marry him or cheat. To me, a crush simply means that person/character is my type, but not necessarily the person I want to date/commit to.

 

[jaim38]

I'm a bit sour over my boss' words, but I think I should take them as constructive criticism. I'm trying not to stress out over this.

Next, so I weighed today and found out I gained around a pound! This basically reversed part of the weight loss I had earlier this week. I was disappointed but then I realized I probably messed up. So, I lost 2 lbs over this week, but I kept dieting based on old daily calorie requirements. Today I realized I need to adjust my calorie requirements based on my new weight (since I lost 2 lbs). Actually, I would need to adjust my info everytime I lose weight, because I won't need to each as much anymore.

 

[jaim38]

Social rejection does hurt, physically and mentally according to studies. Over the years, I found this out the hard way. From mild social rejections such as a nice rebuff to more severe ones such as bullying, all of these cause me mental and physical pain. Physical pain usually manifests in the heart region. What I discovered is that, it doesn't matter who the person who rejected me is, the rejection still has the same effects no matter the gender, age, race, height, weight, etc. Even more surprising is the fact that even if I am a virtual stranger to this person and/or don't have feelings for this person (as in I don't consider this person a potential romantic interest), it still hurts in some way. So, in conclusion, all types of social rejection hurts, whether by a stranger or someone I'm acquainted with, but the intensity varies. In general, I am more hurt by rejection from people I consider important to me such as family and friends.

 

[jaim38]

Feeling very pissed! So recently in the last few days, I've been going to the bedroom at night to get my socks while my brother is in the bathroom doing his thing. So apparently, he found out about it and got very angry. He started berating me, calling me a dummy/dipsh*t/stupid, telling me how I "screwed" things up for him. He said I should NOT go into the bedrooms (including my bedroom) while he bathes. I was angry of course, but I knew that if I were to argue with him, I would lose (as in 99.999% of the time). He almost always thinks he's right, and everyone else is freakin wrong.

Gosh, just to clarify, I did NOT even enter the bathroom while he was doing his thing. All I did was enter the bedroom, get my socks, and got out while he's in the bathroom. I don't know how he found out about me doing this, but he got so angry and made such a big deal out of it! Big deal! Oh, did I mention he's also paranoid!

Believe it or not, he's still fuming over it. In order to appease him, I have to tell him I won't do this ever again, but he just won't let the issue go! My God! He just kept pushing the issue, saying how wrong it is to enter my bedroom while he was bathing in the bathroom across! WTF! I thought we were in for another 30 min of typing chat/convo when suddenly my mom popped in and saved me! So, she asked us if we could help out with the groceries, and I gladly obliged of course, But he wouldn't help at all. Not even a single word and just got back quickly into his room. Ungrateful! But I don't think he cares. I did tell him in the past to be grateful but he could care less about all that we did for him.

 

[jaim38]

Being in a relationship is sweet and all, but it doesn't mean that people should suddenly neglect all their friends and family and basically forget about everything else. You could get so absorbed into the relationship that you abandon everything else. I think we should have vibrant lives outside of our relationships. We should continue to cultivate our relations with other people (i.e. friendships, relations with family) as well as continue to pursue our goals in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of codependence where you find yourself being dependent on a relationship for all your happiness. It's good to have some independence where you are free to pursue your interests and hobbies outside of the relationship. Cultivating this sense of independence is essential to growing stronger which is a boon to any relationship. I'm sure if I have a husband, I wouldn't want him to stick to me 24/7, nor would I do that (we're not siamese twins, nor do we wish to be!). Each of us has hobbies, interests, and independent lives outside of the house. I think it makes for more interesting dynamics because we each bring different things to the table to talk about.

 

[MikeyC]

In order to appease him, I have to tell him I won't do this ever again

Why did you say this? It shows you're bowing to his wants, even if you're not going to.

In fact, why even say anything to him anymore? I still don't understand. He's the worst person in your life from what you write about him.

Being in a relationship is sweet and all, but it doesn't mean that people should suddenly neglect all their friends and family and basically forget about everything else. You could get so absorbed into the relationship that you abandon everything else. I think we should have vibrant lives outside of our relationships. We should continue to cultivate our relations with other people (i.e. friendships, relations with family) as well as continue to pursue our goals in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of codependence where you find yourself being dependent on a relationship for all your happiness. It's good to have some independence where you are free to pursue your interests and hobbies outside of the relationship. Cultivating this sense of independence is essential to growing stronger which is a boon to any relationship. I'm sure if I have a husband, I wouldn't want him to stick to me 24/7, nor would I do that (we're not siamese twins, nor do we wish to be!). Each of us has hobbies, interests, and independent lives outside of the house. I think it makes for more interesting dynamics because we each bring different things to the table to talk about.

A friend of mine pretty much neglected me completely while he was dating my neighbour. It does happen when you become wrapped up in your significant other, unfortunately. I do agree with you, though.

 

[jaim38]

Why did you say this? It shows you're bowing to his wants, even if you're not going to.

In fact, why even say anything to him anymore? I still don't understand. He's the worst person in your life from what you write about him.

I have to say something, otherwise he'll force me to typechat with him again. He's just very good at forcing me and my mom (sometimes my dad) to cater to his needs. I especially dislike it when he forces me to listen to his freakin long rants about how much he hates other people.

So, I've been watching this TED talk by Amy Cuddy about power poses (body language basically).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc

She mentioned that so many people say the mind affects the body, but the reverse can also be true according to her research. I noticed that I adopt low power poses a lot, often subconsciously, so I started adjusting my body postures. When I started walking around, I noticed something that I've probably noticed before: my body started slouching when I'm wearing terrible clothes that don't fit me. As I already mentioned before, I have a habit of being cheap and often wear black, dark, big, loose, and/or hobo clothes. I used to wear them outside and get really bad reactions from people. This really brought down my confidence. Getting fashion advice from my mom, who often buys these clothes for me, doesn't help. I don't know if it's just me, but she thinks big loose shirts look good on me (which is probably why she bought so many for me).

Back on topic. So after slouching and feeling self conscious, I changed out of the shirt into a better fitting shirt. When I walked around in my new shirt, I feel more confident and not as self conscious anymore. Hooray!

I should probably mention that whenever I exercise in big loose shirts, it feels really awkward. When I do downward facing dogs, the shirts would fly in my face and I often have to pull them down. Confession: I need better fitting shirts. Shopping spree coming soon (this time, I'm NOT going to be stingy anymore!)!

 

[jaim38]

A friend of mine pretty much neglected me completely while he was dating my neighbour. It does happen when you become wrapped up in your significant other, unfortunately. I do agree with you, though.

Thanks. I imagine people will have concerns such as "You're giving him/her too much independence. What if your partner cheats behind your back?" I'd say there should be trust in the relationship from both parties. You trust your partner to not do anything shameful. If he/she breaks this trust, then it's over.

 

[jaim38]

I was originally gonna post about something else, but then this issue came to mind so I think I have to address it.

I admit I do have sadistic fantasies, especially fantasies involving rape. It is very hard to write about it, as I'm typing now, because it's so freakin embarassing! I have never told anyone this, not even my close friends know. When my period came, I find myself engaging in such fantasies more often. They replay in my head like a broken record, despite attempts to stop myself.

I don't know why, but liking someone makes me think more about s*x. Ok, there I said it! In addition, I also have fantasies about having babies. :kickingmyself: I know, I'm far too young to have babies, much less be a mom, but I don't know why I keep getting these fantasies! Arghhh! :veryangry:

Ok, just to clear things up. I was NOT raped! I also have no desire to engage in sex any time soon! I'm still young, I have a life ahead of me that I want to explore, I don't want to give up my freedom soon! I have a job I want to get, places I want to visit, people I want to meet, etc. No sex or motherhood soon! **Note: this is my logical mind speaking. I am thinking with my brain, not with those down there. **

With that said, I don't mind being in a relationship, but there are boundaries and rules that must be established. We must listen to our brains and use them to think for our long-term well being; sexual needs can wait, I'm pretty sure. This post was actually triggered by someone else's post I saw on another thread. I have to thank him for knocking some sense into me.

 

[jaim38]

I imagine there are many obstacles to being in a long distance relationship. If I had a bf and we're both living in different countries, and things get serious to the point where we're considering marriage, one of us would have to move to join the other. I am not opposed to moving abroad, but I imagine the whole process will be tough. First, there's paperwork (I imagine lots of it) to submit. Next, assuming that the paperwork is approved and I move to join my partner, there's the adaptation part (aka trying to survive in a new environment). I've moved around a lot in the past, but moving between cities is entirely different compared to moving to a new country/continent. Plus, social skills are also important to blend in with the locals in addition to being able to speak the language. It is scary, especially for someone like me who is agoraphobic, social phobic, avpd, etc. But, I'm making lots of progress over the past several years. I've gotten less social phobic, started going out more, and isn't as avoidant. I'm still young, I still have many years to improve myself.

I'm also aware of the fact that I'm jobless at the moment. I don't want to look like I'm mooching off my partner by being jobless and moving in. It would make me look like a gold digger, like I'm marrying for the financial stability or something. To avoid this, I would like to work, gain experience, and have something to show for my pride and dignity. Who isn't attracted to good work ethics anyway?

 

[Rawz]

I don't know why, but liking someone makes me think more about s*x. Ok, there I said it! In addition, I also have fantasies about having babies. :kickingmyself: I know, I'm far too young to have babies, much less be a mom, but I don't know why I keep getting these fantasies! Arghhh! :veryangry:

Hey that sounds normal to me. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it. I don't see anything wrong with it. Plus it sounds like you have good self control.

Ok, just to clear things up. I was NOT raped! I also have no desire to engage in sex any time soon! I'm still young, I have a life ahead of me that I want to explore, I don't want to give up my freedom soon! I have a job I want to get, places I want to visit, people I want to meet, etc. No sex or motherhood soon! **Note: this is my logical mind speaking. I am thinking with my brain, not with those down there. **

With that said, I don't mind being in a relationship, but there are boundaries and rules that must be established. We must listen to our brains and use them to think for our long-term well being; sexual needs can wait, I'm pretty sure. This post was actually triggered by someone else's post I saw on another thread. I have to thank him for knocking some sense into me.

You're right, sex can wait. There is a lot more to life.

 

[MikeyC]

I admit I do have sadistic fantasies, especially fantasies involving rape. It is very hard to write about it, as I'm typing now, because it's so freakin embarassing! I have never told anyone this, not even my close friends know. When my period came, I find myself engaging in such fantasies more often. They replay in my head like a broken record, despite attempts to stop myself.

I have heard of some women who do fantasise about rape. I tend to think it's more of a fetish, or something they'd like to act out in a safe place with a safe man, rather than actual rape.

It's a very extreme form of role playing, I guess. If any girlfriend of mine wanted to act out a rape fantasy, I would flat-out refuse.

I don't know why, but liking someone makes me think more about s*x.

This is very normal.

 

[jaim38]

I'm feeling particularly tired this morning so I slept in for another 15 minutes beyond my usual wake up time. I had this weird dream early this morning and woke up dead tired, with my eyes dried as heck. I don't like having such dreams.

So, I was planning to attend this Toastmasters meeting/competition. I won't be participating in the competition, just checking the club out and getting a feel for it. But today, the forecast is raining and the club meets late around evening so I'm not sure if I should go. I could handle mild rain but if it start downpouring, then perhaps not.

 

[jaim38]

So, this dream I had last night made me feel a bit horrible about myself. I was in this group and we were doing a presentation. We all got up in front of a class full of people. I watched as my teammates talked. I couldn't even say anything at all due to the social anxiety and shyness. Then, this guy came up and started talking about a very sensitive, controversial topic. I was expecting some outrage but was surprised to see some people back him up. Then I woke up from my dream panting and heart racing like I was having a nightmare or something.

In real life, I want to be able to talk about controversial topics without sounding offensive to people. This requires good communication skills of course, but first I have to work on getting the courage to actually speak in front of people.

 

[jaim38]

So yesterday, I was planning to go a Toastmasters meeting but didn't go because it was raining, dark, and my mom was concerned about me driving in such weather.

Also yesteryday, I went shopping with my mom. I was checking out clothes and went to the fitting room area to try them out. There was this attendant who took a long time to guide me to a fitting room. After I was done trying out clothes, I got out of the fitting room but then the door behind me closed with a loud bang! I was surprised, kinda shocked and didn't know what to do. So I was standing there for a few seconds, paralyzed. I was wondering what to do. Should I apologize? But then, I didn't even slam the door - the door was like that in the first place. I was standing behind the attendant, and didn't want to look like a b*tch so I got out of there asap.

I'm not sure why that happened. I'm still pondering what I should do in such a situation. It's not my fault that the door was being loud, but I should probably say something instead of being mute.

I am proud of myself for going out, and it feels like I'm getting more comfortable shopping around people. But I still have a long way to go when it comes to social interaction. Biggest pitfall is I don't smile often. I'm also not very good at driving. I don't drive as often as in the past, so my driving skills might have deteriorated? Changing lanes is one of the hardest for me. So I was driving on a lane yesterday when there was a "lane closing" sign ahead of me, which forced me to change lanes. So I flashed my lights and saw several cars go by, but wasn't sure if they allowed me to cut in front! I also didn't want to guess and simply go for it because then I might accidentally cut in front of someone unwilling (aka car crash). So I waited, and finally this black van sorta drove by kinda slowly and honked at me. I jumped on the cue and changed lanes.

It was embarassing because I didn't know when to change lanes!

 

[jaim38]

Last night I heard this song "Grenade" on the radio. I remember hearing it multiple times in the past.

So basically, the guy in the song is complaining that he didn't get the woman he wanted. He said he'd throw his hand on a blade, jump in front of a train, take a bullet, or catch a grenade for the woman. But from the song, it seems like the woman rejected his efforts to woo her so he got angry and started dissing the woman, calling her a "mad woman, bad woman." Why does this sound so familiar somehow?

I remember watching a dating show on TV. Usually, the guys would come empty-handed and clueless about which girl he wants to date, but once in a while, you see this guy who spends so much money on flowers, cake, presents, etc all because of 1 girl. And in the end, the girl ends up all teary-eyed and rejects him. I'm sure people watching this are going, "WTF! This guy does so much for the girl, wastes money on her, even prostrates himself / begs for the girl's hand, and in the end doesn't get the girl at all!"They're probably angry at the girl and thinking, "what's wrong with this chick?"

This is where the judges/love experts come in. They start discussing the rejections, why it happens. I remember specifically the words of this 1 girl who was touched by the guy's efforts (cried even) but in the end still rejected him: "Your heart being touched is different from your heart racing." In other words, there's a difference between kindness/generosity and attraction. So, a man could spend all his money, risk his life, or do everything he could for a woman, but it all goes to waste if the woman doesn't even have feelings for him in the first place.

I find myself agreeing with the women on stage, and applauded them for their courage. I too have experienced similar situations. I remember some guys spend money buying me stuff, paying for restaurant meals, even going so far to drive me to another city so I could take care of some academic stuff. I am sincerely grateful/thankful for all their efforts and time. They all expected a relationship with me. But, I just didn't have feelings for these guys, and honestly I feel bad for putting them through this. I just wished there was some way I could make it even, so that i don't end up owing them.

It wouldn't be fair (to me and to the guy) if I date someone whom I had no feelings for. I believe that we should not settle for this very reason. Ditto dating someone becuase you pity him/her. Pity dates are just as bad as dating someone that you don't even like. If I found out the guy dated me for shallow reasons (i.e. he pities me, he's settling for me, etc), I would be angry. I want to be treated as #1, not #2 or any subsequent numbers. Similarly, I would want to find my #1 person.

I have rejected a lot of people in the past because I don't want to hurt them in the long run. I have many crushes, infatuations, and adorations, but rarely do I actually like someone. So, if I said I like someone, you can be sure I view this person as potential Mr. Right.

 

[jaim38]

I realize that in my last post, I probably sound condescending. Guys reading it are probably rolling their eyes and thinking, "Psff, who does she think she is? She's not all that! There's plenty of hotter fish out there." And they're right: I'm sure there are plenty of women out there who are smarter, prettier, faster, kinder, sexier, etc than me. But, I think they're missing the point of my post. What I was talking about is compatibility in relationships. It doesn't matter if I'm pretty, plain, or ugly, I still don't think I (or any woman) should settle. As I've often repeated, settling hurts both parties in the long run. Compatibility is key.

 

[jaim38]

omg, I had a couple of weird dreams today. I was totally acting like a robot, didn't even think about what the heck I was doing! I went on stage and kissed this guy that I had no attraction/feelings for! After I did that, I started feeling gross and weirded out. I don't even know this guy or even remember ever itneracting with him before. I went on stage as if I had no social phobia, no shaking or tremors, nothing, but in real life I have social anxiety which gets worse on stage especially when being ordered to kiss someone in public! Weird!

In the next dream, I was a total mindless zombie as well. I let some random guy sitting next to me call me "mistress" like we're husband and wife! Weird!

In my last dream, I was going shopping but somehow ended up checking out things that weren't on my shopping list (if I had one). I dragged out my shopping trip.