Just another journal

[jaim38]

Today, I have to face a big challenge: go visit my relatives for July 4th.
I'm thinking of skipping it, because I have a feeling that my relatives don't actually like me. In fact, I have a bad dream about going to their house and having bad experiences. Their mom ignored me, a cousin called me a b*tch, and the 2 girls wanted to avoid me when I attempted to greet them. Then, fast forward to another dream of me and my family going to a restaurant. I woke up and started thinking, maybe we should go dining instead of visiting relatives, or go see fireworks.

Last night at TM was great, but I get a feeling I need to work more on my soft skills. I think I was perhaps looking too intensely at people to the point of staring? I remember making eye contact and then feeling a little uncomfortable, so I had to look away for a bit before looking back. Also, I think it's better to connect with people when standing a little to the side of them, rather than standing right in front, face to face. I think I should practice blinking more, looking at different places more, and using more positive body language in social interaction. I used to talk to people while being all strict and rigid, which probably made other people feel weird.

 

[jaim38]

My imagination is trying to trick me into thinking that it's real, again. I'm trying my best to ignore it. And get this: my imagination tells me I can't think whatever I want. Curse words and even made up negative words will send my imagination flying into rage and chaos. Even more ridiculous is that my imagination tells me to apologize for the thoughts I think, inside my head! I've never heard of people apologizing for the thoughts they think, unless they actually share them out loud and people found them offensive. This is turning into a freakin nightmare. This is my mind and I have the right to think whatever I want, and no one in real life gets hurt over what I think. I keep imagining characters in my mind berating me...

Ok ok, my imagination tries to convince me that it's real, so why is it that 2-3 years ago, I've had no such problems huh? 2-3 years ago, I had no such virtual fantasy world in my head. In fact, I was satisfied with my imagination. I had control over my fantasies. It's only this year that I started daydreaming about some virtual world and meeting virtual world characters. They're not real.

Now, I'm in "rehab" trying to get myself back in the real world. I told myself I broke up with my fantasy world and won't go back to it again. I have other priorities to tend to, such as getting a job and working on bettering my social skills.

 

[jaim38]

There is a saying that when you marry your boyfriend or girlfriend, you marry his/her family too. I never knew what the fuss about this was all about until this year. I just thought love conquers all and it would be as simple as this, but I find myself in a quandary. What if my boyfriend likes me but his family hates me? Let's think through this.

If I stay/marry my boyfriend, I'll have to put up with his family. Let's say his family likes to invade my privacy, and I just can't put up with this. They keep judging me according to what they dug up from my territory, without my permission. Add to this, the family is abusive. What should I do?

Option 1 is to put up with his family and pretend that everything's rosy and continue to let them invade my privacy, despite my pleas not to. It would totally suck! Imagine having your rights invaded - what would you do?

Option 2 is to reconsider the relationship. Think about it. I like my boyfriend but dislike his family. Is my boyfriend really this different from his family? I'm sure I'm probably overlooking some things here. Moreover, think about his family - I'm sure they want what's best for my boyfriend. Do I want to stick with him for years like an unwanted presence? If his entire family dislikes me, it's a big indicator that I might not be right for him or his family.

I'm not psychic, but I have a bad feeling about dating him, again something to do with his family. Again, his family brings out the worst in me. I find myself being a completely different person when around his family. I'm not even this hateful or full of grudge in real life. On the flip side, I also seem to bring out the worst in his family, I think. I'm not sure if this is how they usually act/react though.

All trust has been lost on both sides. They don't trust me, I don't trust them. Trust is very hard to earn.

Overall, I'm tempted to go with Option 2, out of the best interests of everyone involved.

 

[jaim38]

I'm a good person. I read this blog about true and false light beings and I got very scared. I hear voices in my mind telling me that I'm a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I'm nice to people. I greet the cashier, I help people, chat up strangers, try to be kind and friendly. I try my best to be a good person. All these voices in my head are saying that I've turned dark, and it scared the heck out of me. Gosh, I feel like I'm with a group of really strict Puritans who insist on the strictest possible norms that I must follow. They tell me to purify my thoughts, aka get rid of all negative thoughts, tell me who I'm gonna marry and which kid (including gender) I'm gonna have (anybody a fan of arranged marriage or arranged anything?), basically hold me to really impossible standards. All the while, these hypocritical voices cuss me out and put me down.

The mind can be a scary place. I have almost lost my marbles due to these voices. I've come close, but never this close. These demonic voices are the worst, even worse than the bullies of my past, at driving me over the edge. I need to be real here. I need to remind myself that I'm a good person with no bad intentions, and I need to get out of this weird virtual world and focus on the real world. I have a job to find. I have a family to support. I have a career and a life ahead of me. I'm NOT going to waste my life away over some virtual world.

5 years, not 2 or 3.

 

[jaim38]

It is the 3rd day of the week. I feel better. I don't hear demonic voices in my head anymore, telling me to f*ck myself, saying I'm a b*tch, or telling me to die. I feel a sense of peace. I'm back to normal!

So, where did I left off? 6 months ago, prior to 2014, I was watching dramas and keeping up with mangas and manhwas. I also created this great fantasy story about a heroine and her adventures through a tower. These past 6 months felt like a dream, so surreal. Well, I'm back and man did it feel great!!! My new life starts today! I'm gonna work hard to get a job and be productive!

 

[jaim38]

No one understands me, no one. I have fantasies in my head and I'm not sure if they're even 100% real. I can't check with anyone in my life if they're real. People would definitely say I'm dreaming. The fantasies kept telling me I'm psychic but I have no proof of this. I need another psychic to confirm my abilities, but I don't know anyone psychic in my life. I feel so so alone. No one knows what I'm going through. I told my mom and my friend, and they've offered good advice, but I guess it's just not enough. I can't make my fantasies go away. I tried telling my fantasies to visit me years later but they always come back to haunt me.

Trying to repress any type of negative thoughts only make my OCD even worse. I suddenly start obsessing over words and phrases that I've never had obsessed about before. For example, before May of this year, I never obsessed over the phrase "F*** [insert something] people" or "sh*t[insert something]". I don't think I'm sexist, racist, or any of that sort. Never have I obsessed over such thoughts until May of this year. Then, I met all these fantasy characters that I've never met before, and it just all came spiraling down. The characters kept telling me to control my thoughts, but it's only making my OCD even worse. I find myself getting intense urges to say such words, and sometimes I just couldn't take it anymore and went wild in my head. It's like banning alcohol, like in the Prohibition era. People eventually ignore the ban and drank alcohol despite, even though it's supposed to be taboo and illegal.

Knowing that I'm being watched/monitored 24/7 by those characters, having no privacy, drives me paranoid. I get even more anxious. I start losing focus and touch with the world around me. I can't even meditate right, or drive well. I'm always feeling pressure to suppress certain types of negative thoughts. Multitasking means losing productivity and could be dangerous when driving. Believe it or not, I'm doing this as a way of "purifying" my mind and also preventing myself from hurting other characters' feelings.

If I'm working right now, I would be fired perhaps due to lack of productivity and frequently spacing out.

Strangely, it's only when I truly think I'm alone that I start being more productive. The negative thoughts recur less frquently, and I'm able to focus better. I also feel happier.