I have negative thoughts everyday, but I don't identify with most if not all of them. Some of my darkest thoughts include curse words, profanity, and negative stereotypes and name-calling - most of which were learnt from external sources (i.e. peers, people around me, etc). To make things worse, I have OCD which means I can obsess over a single thought over and over again. My mind would replay it like a broken record. As much as I don't want to think such thoughts, they come at me forcefully, and I am forced to suppress them or acknowledge them, hoping that they'll pass quickly. Sometimes, it feels like people are mind readers. I hope they don't judge me by my thoughts, because I don't have compelte control over my mind, but by my actions.
Just another journal
- Thread starter jaim38
- Start date
A series of unfortunate events happened today. I went to the library and sat at a computer at the back of the room. So, I was facing this couple, which I didn't realize at first. I only saw the girl, not the guy. The girl glimpsed at me and I saw her. We made eye contact for a moment, but I didn't want to look like I'm staring at her so I looked away imemdiately and shifted my seat away a bit, so that she's not in my vision. Then she started talking about me. I also heard a guy's voice but didn't see the guy at first, who sat across from her. I heard the guy saying something like, "she's spying on us.. get out..." Clearly, they were uncomfortable with me sitting across from them, but I ignored it. If I wasn't shy or scared, I would've spoken up for sure, but I didn't. I sat there for the next hour. Then, I felt somebody looking at me and I looked and saw some guy looking at me, then he looked away. I thought that was weird, then I realize that must be the guy sitting across from that girl who didn't like me! When I got up to go, I saw the guy - it's the same guy and I was right!
Then I went to Walmart. I kept on hearing voices saying I'm stupid. I think they're very annoying.
I went home afterwards. Just when I think all my troubles are over, my brother forces me into his room, turned off the lights, and forced me to listen to him. He also kept on tickling me and touching me in several places, so at first I made a "stop" sign with my hand. When I tried to tell him to stop, verbally out loud, he got angry. But he kept on touching me so out of instinct, I hit him. What came next was a bit scary. He hit me hard 3 times and threatened me. He snarled at me and said, "did you think you can overpower me? Huh?" and something about my useless attempt. Then he apologized, but I was already crying but trying to stifle my tears. In the dark, he couldn't see me so that saved me some trouble.
Then I went to Walmart. I kept on hearing voices saying I'm stupid. I think they're very annoying.
I went home afterwards. Just when I think all my troubles are over, my brother forces me into his room, turned off the lights, and forced me to listen to him. He also kept on tickling me and touching me in several places, so at first I made a "stop" sign with my hand. When I tried to tell him to stop, verbally out loud, he got angry. But he kept on touching me so out of instinct, I hit him. What came next was a bit scary. He hit me hard 3 times and threatened me. He snarled at me and said, "did you think you can overpower me? Huh?" and something about my useless attempt. Then he apologized, but I was already crying but trying to stifle my tears. In the dark, he couldn't see me so that saved me some trouble.
I just want to say that I am NOT stupid or dumb. Many people see me and think I'm just that. They see my cheap ragged clothes, my lack of fashion sense, me not using wireless and having not smartphone, me doing things for my brother, etc etc and they immediately say I'm stupid. First of all, they don't know me. I am a product of both family and environmental influences. I was raised to be cheap and frugal all my life. I used to wear horrible, unfashionable clothes (clothes that look bad on me) because 1) they're cheap, and 2) I was afraid of buying better clothes. All I cared about was saving money for my parents, even at my expense. It's only in the recent year or so where I started buying better clothes for myself, handbag, makeup, etc. I also can't afford a smartphone at this time. I have a router but don't use wireless - instead I drag around a freaking long, 50ft ethernet cord to connect. Why? Because my brother's paranoid about using wireless. I remember he turned off wireless on the former router that we had because of security concerns or whatever.
Finally, over here we have weird family dynamics. You know how other families talk to each other face to face verbally and help each other solve problems? Not so for my family. It's just really complicated. I couldn't talk to my mom about certain things, let alone my brother. If I have to communicate with my brother, I either write something down, type, or use something else. I can't speak to him face to face. THere's so much distrust and hate. People are so secretive too.
Those relatives who kept looking down on me and calling me stupid, they know nothing. They don't know how much bullying I went through or what happens inside my house. I bet if I tell them, they'll think we're freaks. I don't plan to get help from them.
But, despite all the problems I'm currently having, it beats being in other cities. I used to be in an even worse position for 4 years, while living in other cities. Well, today is just a bad day. It will get better hopefully.
Finally, over here we have weird family dynamics. You know how other families talk to each other face to face verbally and help each other solve problems? Not so for my family. It's just really complicated. I couldn't talk to my mom about certain things, let alone my brother. If I have to communicate with my brother, I either write something down, type, or use something else. I can't speak to him face to face. THere's so much distrust and hate. People are so secretive too.
Those relatives who kept looking down on me and calling me stupid, they know nothing. They don't know how much bullying I went through or what happens inside my house. I bet if I tell them, they'll think we're freaks. I don't plan to get help from them.
But, despite all the problems I'm currently having, it beats being in other cities. I used to be in an even worse position for 4 years, while living in other cities. Well, today is just a bad day. It will get better hopefully.
OMG, so I said something embarassing today. I was on a phone call with my team, and I'm the most senior member. Someone said something like, "Our job is to please you..." I was lost for words because I was shocked to hear her say that. I hear this a lot, about project managers pleasing their clients, but just never thought someone would actually say it to me. So, without thinking, I said "I completely agree..." and I could feel some people actually surprised at what I said. Afterwards, I heard something like "I dont' like her" - maybe my imagination? Anyway, after the call was over, it took a while to settle in, and I feel terrible! The damage has already been done, there's not much I can do about it. I don't know why I said what I said - I didn't know what to say so I said what came off the top of my head! Just to clarify, I never viewed my project team as slaves, nor treated them as such. I was very grateful when they joined, and actually happy to hear that they're to willing to commit for months. Dedicated volunteers are hard to come by. Many volunteers join to learn new skills, get more experience, contribute to a good cause, and we support them in this. I wish I could convey all of what I just wrote to my team, but I was lsot for words and end up saying the wrong thing! Darn it! Now, I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that nobody remembers this incident...
During the call, I was put on the spot a few times, and was thrown curveball questions. I tried hard to answer them professionally but found myself sounding perhaps like a fool. It's hard, but I gotta give myself props for joining the call, even though I don't have to be there.
During the call, I was put on the spot a few times, and was thrown curveball questions. I tried hard to answer them professionally but found myself sounding perhaps like a fool. It's hard, but I gotta give myself props for joining the call, even though I don't have to be there.
I decided to go to a Toastmasters meeting yesterday after a few weeks of delaying it. I was a bit nervous though. When I was driving on the road, I was a bit slow and had to look at the street names. I didn't have a GPS navigator or smartphone so took with me only written directions. Moreover, the sun shone directly at my eyes, blinding me a certain times. Thankfully, I had my sunglasses with me, but it was getting dark and a bit difficult to see the roads so I had to take them off afterwards, despite the setting but still glaring sun. As I was driving, there was this white car who tailgated at first. I tried to ignore whoever's behind me. This went on for a couple of minutes. I wondered why he/she didn't just drive past me, because the road is almost empty which he/she could certainly do. Finally the car drove past me, got in front of me, adn I think flipped me the bird. I only saw part of it thankfully. I got a bit angry because uh, this car could have driven past if he/she thinks i'm slow.
So, I got there just in time for the meeting the start.I walked in to a room full of people sitting down already. I was nervous of course, because everybody's eyes were looking at me. The moderator was nice though and said I should have a seat, which I did.
The toastmasters meeting wasn't so bad. I could clearly see there were some people who were kinda shy, awkward like me. There were a couple of loud extraverts, but I'm glad to see introverts as well. I found it a bit hard to focus though, on some of the speeches, especially the poem.
During the meeting, I heard somebody said "I don't like her!" That threw me off guard. I was like, "who said that? Was it aimed at me?" Perhaps not, but it was rude. Upon further reflection, I remembered this wise advice that I read a few days ago: there will be haters, but continue to grow and live your life so that the people who truly know you won't believe a word that these haters say (not exact words).
Overall, I thought the meeting was fun, but then when I tried picturing me doing the speeches, I get the chills. I'm thinking of going back next week to observe more.
So, I got there just in time for the meeting the start.I walked in to a room full of people sitting down already. I was nervous of course, because everybody's eyes were looking at me. The moderator was nice though and said I should have a seat, which I did.
The toastmasters meeting wasn't so bad. I could clearly see there were some people who were kinda shy, awkward like me. There were a couple of loud extraverts, but I'm glad to see introverts as well. I found it a bit hard to focus though, on some of the speeches, especially the poem.
During the meeting, I heard somebody said "I don't like her!" That threw me off guard. I was like, "who said that? Was it aimed at me?" Perhaps not, but it was rude. Upon further reflection, I remembered this wise advice that I read a few days ago: there will be haters, but continue to grow and live your life so that the people who truly know you won't believe a word that these haters say (not exact words).
Overall, I thought the meeting was fun, but then when I tried picturing me doing the speeches, I get the chills. I'm thinking of going back next week to observe more.
Last edited:
I mentioned before that the Toastmasters members were friendly and supportive of each other for the most part, and I'd like to elaborate. At the Toastmasters meeting, I noticed that people laughed at each others' speeches. Nobody was overly serious. I used to think it was humiliating to have people laugh at my speeches, because if they laugh then I must be doing something wrong. I also had a friend whose speech went terrible and people laughed. I thought it was just very embarassing. But, I never thought of the fact that laughter can be a way to bond with others. Even though people laughed at my friend's speech, there were some who voted for her because they thought it was amusing. The Toastmasters session taught me that there is nothing embarassing about being laughed at. Adding humor to a speech can help you connect with the audience. In fact, I laughed too, but I didn't feel so bad.
The second thing that I noticed at Toastmasters is me being weird and nervous. For instance, when the person in front of me spoke, she didn't turn around at all, so I couldn't see her face. But, I just kept looking at her back! Like, what the heck! I do feel the urge to look down, because all I'm looking at is her back! But....I feel so nervous and self conscious that I just kept looking! What's there to look at? Nothing! It's just weird...I'm not sure even sure I did this. Ok, it's probably because if I stopped looking at her back and looked at my desk instead, I will seem like I'm being shy and avoiding looking at people. So, this lady probably noticed me doing this weird thing so she said eventually said people who are speaking should face the audience.
The other weird thing is the eye contact/peripheral vision issue. I find myself looking at the same people over and over, giving them eye contact for some reason. Like when we're all looking at the speaker, we end up locking eyes, and I have to shift my eye contact somewhere. THis sounds weird because only lovers lock eyes, and I don't have any romantic feelings for anyone in the room. Maybe I'm being self conscious too much. I also want to avoid staring at people, even speakers, so sometimes I look down or to the side.
The second thing that I noticed at Toastmasters is me being weird and nervous. For instance, when the person in front of me spoke, she didn't turn around at all, so I couldn't see her face. But, I just kept looking at her back! Like, what the heck! I do feel the urge to look down, because all I'm looking at is her back! But....I feel so nervous and self conscious that I just kept looking! What's there to look at? Nothing! It's just weird...I'm not sure even sure I did this. Ok, it's probably because if I stopped looking at her back and looked at my desk instead, I will seem like I'm being shy and avoiding looking at people. So, this lady probably noticed me doing this weird thing so she said eventually said people who are speaking should face the audience.
The other weird thing is the eye contact/peripheral vision issue. I find myself looking at the same people over and over, giving them eye contact for some reason. Like when we're all looking at the speaker, we end up locking eyes, and I have to shift my eye contact somewhere. THis sounds weird because only lovers lock eyes, and I don't have any romantic feelings for anyone in the room. Maybe I'm being self conscious too much. I also want to avoid staring at people, even speakers, so sometimes I look down or to the side.
So I tried skyping with my friend, with webcam on. I find it harder than I thought. I fumbled over words, slurred some words, and felt kinda camera shy. I thought I looked 10X uglier on camera - not really looking fatter, but my facial features end up looking so pronounced and caricaturized that I look like some weird cartoon character! Anyway, I had to remind myself that looking pretty is the least of my concerns at this time. I want to first get used to webcam chatting. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, be confident and articulate, speak clearly and assertively. I can worry about my hair, clothes, skin, etc later after I master these basics.
I chatted with my friend for roughly 15 min, but I can feel myself getting more confident. I started using hand gestures to help my delivery. I asked her for feedback - she said I looked nervous and should speak more slowly. The last one surprised me because I always thought I'm a slow and boring speaker. But, getting a second opinion is good. And I just read an article about how practicing can make you sound more spontaneous (on purpose). So, I will continue to work hard and improve!
I chatted with my friend for roughly 15 min, but I can feel myself getting more confident. I started using hand gestures to help my delivery. I asked her for feedback - she said I looked nervous and should speak more slowly. The last one surprised me because I always thought I'm a slow and boring speaker. But, getting a second opinion is good. And I just read an article about how practicing can make you sound more spontaneous (on purpose). So, I will continue to work hard and improve!
So, it's bothering me that LinkedIn is turning into Facebook very much. I use LinkedIn for professional networking. I've been receiving requests to congratulate people on their new jobs/titles, which I can do without any problems or complaints. I would like to keep my interactions with my connections professional and un-personal. However today out of the blue, I received notification of someone's birthday, and to congratulate this person. I remember working with her on a project in 1 class, but afterwards we had no further contact. At first, I was at a loss of what to do. I started thinking through this. If I congratulated her for b-day, wouldn't that be weird? She probably forgot who I am and thought I was some random person. Moreover, she'll probably think, "how did this girl know my b-day?" She never told me - I only found out through LinkedIn! I don't want to come off as a stalker. However, if this was on Facebook, it wouldn't feel awkward because people share their b-days on Facebook. Plus, Facebook is for more personal types of networking, i.e. connecting with friends i.e. people that you actually know and are close to you.
Ok, maybe I'm thinking too much into this. :kickingmyself: I'm sure a normal person wouldn't give much thought to this at all.
Ok, maybe I'm thinking too much into this. :kickingmyself: I'm sure a normal person wouldn't give much thought to this at all.
But you don't have to say anything just because of a notification do you? I'm not at all familiar with LinkedIn.
^You're right, I don't need to say anything about that.
So I mentioned last time that I decided to join Toastmasters, an org for developing leadership and communication. I found out about the DTM and CC certifications and started feeling pressure to do my speeches to earn these qualifications. I started wanting to get competitive. However, I told myself to slow down because "life is not a game. It's not about gaining points or earning certifications just to show off to employers or whoever." There's this guy - I see him doing speeches in 2 consecutive meetings - I think he wants the certification real bad (aka speed up the process). He kind of reminds me of the me from the past. I used to be very competitive. I took as many AP exams as I could get my hands on, joined many clubs to show that I'm active, studied as much as I could to get the highest grade in my classes, etc etc. Not once did I stop to enjoy life, or to evaluate my own mental, physical, or emotional well being. I have made my life into a rat race.
Now that I've joined Toastmasters, I feel pressure to become a great communicator overnight. I feel nudged to do my ice breaker speech ASAP, to get it out of the way! But wait...slow down missy - I'm missing the point entirely! The most important reason why I joined Toastmasters is to develop communication skills, leadership skills, and courage at my own pace. I don't want Toastmasters to become high school again where I view every speech as an assignment to conquer, to "get it out of the way quickly" as I used to say. When I did my speeches in high school, which I had memorized beforehand because I couldn't speak off the cuff, I was like a zombie speaking in front of an audience. I didn't have to think much about what I spoke because I had the speech memorized from the start. Also, I didn't care about my audience, nor did I care about whether I enjoy the process of speaking. I viewed public speaking as an enemy to mow down fast, or "conquer". Regretfully, I never thought of it as a learning process. Back then, I never heard of autism, asperger's and was in complete denial. I was too embarassed to admit I was shy and had social difficulties. Back then, all I cared about was making straight As and getting in the top 10%. Now I realize how misguided I was.
Ironically, being thrown into a "pit of darkness" is what made me start over again in life. I was at the bottom-most point of my life, and the only way to go was up. I had to re-learn much of the stuff I had "learnt" before because I was fed a lot of junk. I felt like a newborn just beginning her life. Now I see almost everything as a learning process.
So I mentioned last time that I decided to join Toastmasters, an org for developing leadership and communication. I found out about the DTM and CC certifications and started feeling pressure to do my speeches to earn these qualifications. I started wanting to get competitive. However, I told myself to slow down because "life is not a game. It's not about gaining points or earning certifications just to show off to employers or whoever." There's this guy - I see him doing speeches in 2 consecutive meetings - I think he wants the certification real bad (aka speed up the process). He kind of reminds me of the me from the past. I used to be very competitive. I took as many AP exams as I could get my hands on, joined many clubs to show that I'm active, studied as much as I could to get the highest grade in my classes, etc etc. Not once did I stop to enjoy life, or to evaluate my own mental, physical, or emotional well being. I have made my life into a rat race.
Now that I've joined Toastmasters, I feel pressure to become a great communicator overnight. I feel nudged to do my ice breaker speech ASAP, to get it out of the way! But wait...slow down missy - I'm missing the point entirely! The most important reason why I joined Toastmasters is to develop communication skills, leadership skills, and courage at my own pace. I don't want Toastmasters to become high school again where I view every speech as an assignment to conquer, to "get it out of the way quickly" as I used to say. When I did my speeches in high school, which I had memorized beforehand because I couldn't speak off the cuff, I was like a zombie speaking in front of an audience. I didn't have to think much about what I spoke because I had the speech memorized from the start. Also, I didn't care about my audience, nor did I care about whether I enjoy the process of speaking. I viewed public speaking as an enemy to mow down fast, or "conquer". Regretfully, I never thought of it as a learning process. Back then, I never heard of autism, asperger's and was in complete denial. I was too embarassed to admit I was shy and had social difficulties. Back then, all I cared about was making straight As and getting in the top 10%. Now I realize how misguided I was.
Ironically, being thrown into a "pit of darkness" is what made me start over again in life. I was at the bottom-most point of my life, and the only way to go was up. I had to re-learn much of the stuff I had "learnt" before because I was fed a lot of junk. I felt like a newborn just beginning her life. Now I see almost everything as a learning process.
So, I think I am a bit autistic, or at least aspergic. After all, it seems to run in my family. In fact, I think my mom and sibling are autistic. I'm sure most people are thinking, "But, I thought only kids have autism! You're too old for that!" Truth is, autism and asperger's can hit anyone at any age. There is a genetic basis for these disorders, ie it runs in the family.
I feel like my trip to the supermarket was pretty much a waste in terms of practicing communication skills. At checkout, the cashier greeted me but I was too busy to actually chat with him. I was so focused on putting food items on the conveyor belt that I didn't practice the usual "greet, smile, and eye contact" routine that I've been practicing at home. I did say hello and I'm fine, but no smile, barely any eye contact, and didn't ask back how he was. I was sloppy! If I go next time, I'm not sure what to do....
We had a bagger, but no offense here - he looked like he had down syndrome. I came to the conclusion based on his physical appearance and movemnts. When I said thank you to him, he looked confused. I was thrown off too because I didn't know what to say. Kind of an awkward moment there. Contrary to what other people might think, I actually feel empathy for people with such disorders, i.e. autism, down syndrome, asperger's, etc. I know some of them are abused or bullied because of their condition. The bagger reminded me of a neighbor, who looked like he also had down syndrome. We used to be friends but now not anymore. The neighbor kept doing things to me, but I think he was under immense influence from his mom who kept dictating his actions. His sister also looks down on him. His so-called 'friends' actually bullied him, got him in trouble. I actually felt sorry for him, but at the same time try to maintain my distance because I knew his parents didn't like us and kept telling him to do stuff to me.
Anyways, I was hoping today would be a learning experience for me but the shopping trip wasn't quite as satisfying. But I did practice driving the van for the first time, which is good. Plus I checked out the fashion scene around me and learnt some things about feminine dressing - I want to stop wearing junior/adolescent clothes (i.e. t-shirts) and start dressing more like a woman as part of my transformation towards a more mature look.
We had a bagger, but no offense here - he looked like he had down syndrome. I came to the conclusion based on his physical appearance and movemnts. When I said thank you to him, he looked confused. I was thrown off too because I didn't know what to say. Kind of an awkward moment there. Contrary to what other people might think, I actually feel empathy for people with such disorders, i.e. autism, down syndrome, asperger's, etc. I know some of them are abused or bullied because of their condition. The bagger reminded me of a neighbor, who looked like he also had down syndrome. We used to be friends but now not anymore. The neighbor kept doing things to me, but I think he was under immense influence from his mom who kept dictating his actions. His sister also looks down on him. His so-called 'friends' actually bullied him, got him in trouble. I actually felt sorry for him, but at the same time try to maintain my distance because I knew his parents didn't like us and kept telling him to do stuff to me.
Anyways, I was hoping today would be a learning experience for me but the shopping trip wasn't quite as satisfying. But I did practice driving the van for the first time, which is good. Plus I checked out the fashion scene around me and learnt some things about feminine dressing - I want to stop wearing junior/adolescent clothes (i.e. t-shirts) and start dressing more like a woman as part of my transformation towards a more mature look.
I just want to talk about cuss words - they're so addictive! In a bad way I mean. A long long time ago, I didn't know any cuss words, therefore never thought them. But after I learnt them, I started using them, not so much verbally but mentally. When I get angry, instead of saying, "I am angry because so and so did this..." I'd say "F*ck this person!" In my head of course. My mindset has completely changed because of cuss words. Even more bizarre is, even when I have no grudge against someone, I still find a cuss word for him/her! For example, today when I was having a group chat, a female volunteer was speaking and the word "b*tch" suddenly popped into my head. I was taken aback mentally and tried to suppress the word.
Cuss words are very addictive. Once you learn them, you can never get rid of them. They pop into your head and lure you to use them, to say them, breathe them. It's like there's some sort of black magic behind them. Same thing for other taboo words such as the n word, the s word, etc. I will never say them towards anyone, of course, because I don't want to offend people. But, I hate it when they suddenly pop into my mind out of the blue. Too bad, I can't "unlearn" them. They're there to stay. The only option I have is to suppress them. But, me having OCD makes it worse. OCD makes my mind replay thoughts over again, like a song on rewind.
Recently, I find the word "b*tch" comes up a lot in my mind. I honestly don't know why. For example, when I itneract with my mom, the word "b*tch" pops up, even when I'm not angry at her! When I think of a person I cherished, the word "b*tch" pops up again! Again, I don't know why! And it's making my head hurt to try to suppress my thoughts to "kill out" the cuss words! Uhgh!
I guess, what I meant to say is, I don't like using cuss words but they come at me like arrows. I think the use of cuss words limits the range of self-expression and prevents conflict resolution. For example, I hear many young people throw F bombs and B bombs at each other when they're angry. Does it solve anything to say "F you?" Wouldn't it be better to say something like, "I'm angry because you did so and so and I don't like it." Cuss words don't solve anything. They only breed more hatred, anger, stereotypes, etc.
Cuss words are very addictive. Once you learn them, you can never get rid of them. They pop into your head and lure you to use them, to say them, breathe them. It's like there's some sort of black magic behind them. Same thing for other taboo words such as the n word, the s word, etc. I will never say them towards anyone, of course, because I don't want to offend people. But, I hate it when they suddenly pop into my mind out of the blue. Too bad, I can't "unlearn" them. They're there to stay. The only option I have is to suppress them. But, me having OCD makes it worse. OCD makes my mind replay thoughts over again, like a song on rewind.
Recently, I find the word "b*tch" comes up a lot in my mind. I honestly don't know why. For example, when I itneract with my mom, the word "b*tch" pops up, even when I'm not angry at her! When I think of a person I cherished, the word "b*tch" pops up again! Again, I don't know why! And it's making my head hurt to try to suppress my thoughts to "kill out" the cuss words! Uhgh!
I guess, what I meant to say is, I don't like using cuss words but they come at me like arrows. I think the use of cuss words limits the range of self-expression and prevents conflict resolution. For example, I hear many young people throw F bombs and B bombs at each other when they're angry. Does it solve anything to say "F you?" Wouldn't it be better to say something like, "I'm angry because you did so and so and I don't like it." Cuss words don't solve anything. They only breed more hatred, anger, stereotypes, etc.
Certain words are stuck in my head, which is annoying me. One of which is "fart". When my stomach growls or bones pop (when I'm not farting), I immediately think of that word and tried to shake it out of my head. Ugh!
Next, I just wished people were more honest with me instead of being passive aggressive. I hear things like "hate her", "f*cking stupid", etc. I thought these people were on good terms with me. Being passive aggressive just makes it more confusing. If people don't like me, they don't have to do anything good for me. I don't expect people to do anything for me anyway.
Next, I just wished people were more honest with me instead of being passive aggressive. I hear things like "hate her", "f*cking stupid", etc. I thought these people were on good terms with me. Being passive aggressive just makes it more confusing. If people don't like me, they don't have to do anything good for me. I don't expect people to do anything for me anyway.
Last edited:
I know I'm writing about embarassing things online such as bodily noises and functions, but the truth is every human experience them. We make it so personal but in fact, it's not - it's so common everywhere you go, you meet humans who fart, poop, etc. It's part of the experience of being human. I know as a woman, society expects me to smell like roses all day but the fact is girls do fart and have boogars just like guys do. Writing about such things is embarassing but my ultimate goal is to reduce my social anxiety. I want to be able to talk about such things to my friends and family.
PS: Don't get me wrong. I am not calling for girls to put down their perfumes and do nothing about their B.O. Like everyone else, girls and guys should smell decent when they go out, out of respect for everyone else.
PS: Don't get me wrong. I am not calling for girls to put down their perfumes and do nothing about their B.O. Like everyone else, girls and guys should smell decent when they go out, out of respect for everyone else.
So, yesterday I kept hearing the name "K..." pop into my head so many times. Even when I was intently focused on something, I suddenly heard "K..." in my mind out of the blue. Don't know why his name kept popping up. "K..." used to be a classmate whom I had a crush on in high school, for 2 years give or take. He was very smart, talented, and one of the biggest nerds in school. I was attracted to high-achieving nerds at the time, as a nerd myself. I used to daydream about my crushes, K included, a lot. But after high school, I realized that I didn't truly like K for who he is. I only liked his brains, i.e. high IQ, smarts, and talents. I don't even know him in person! The only time I ever "spoke" with him was over chat messages - that was when he rejected me, his reason being he liked another girl. I was in tears for a few days. But later on, I realized I never truly liked him. Like I said, I only liked his brains and mutiple achievements. He went to an Ivy League and probably graduated with a job by now.
As I've said before, I don't want to be a gold digger. I'm going to try to live this life as full of meaning as possible.
As I've said before, I don't want to be a gold digger. I'm going to try to live this life as full of meaning as possible.
I need to get this out of my system. So, my brother wanted to get a PhD after he graduates with a bachelor's. I was totally against his decision to get a PhD. Why? I have several very good reasons for this. Growing up, I've had many people tell me that education is the way to success, especially college education. My parents tell me to study, study, study. Believe it or not, I spent almost the entire day schooling - I was at school for 7+ hours, then came back home to study again. I had almost no free time to do other stuff. I had gotten so good at studying that I worked my way towards becoming one of the top students in my year.
I had no life outside of school and studying. I didn't learn much social skills at home. My parents told me that education is more important than, say socializing. I never went to prom, Sadie's dances, or graduation. I just kept studying like nuts. I know, studying has turned into OCD for me. I pulled all nighters too, just to pull off As in class. I had no social life outside of education. I wouldn't know what to do if I don't have school. Excelling in school, being one of the top 10, was the air I breathe. It was my identity - I took a lot of pride in my academic achievements.
This all changed years ago, when I moved away from home and went out to see the real world. In the real world, no one cares about how many PhDs you have, or how smart you are. If you have poor social skills and couldn't connect with people, you're screwed. People hate you just for having poor communication/social skills, nothing personal really. Getting a job requires networking - in fact, many jobs are offered to referrals, i.e. people that you actually know or people that your friends know.
Being ill-equipped to handle the real world, I suffered from depression, mental instability, suicidal feelings, trauma, etc. People don't see me as the "smart" person that I want to come across as. In fact, people don't care how smart I am, or what my IQ is, or whether I went to college. If I can't understand or connect with people, they won't like me.
I've suffered many humiliating incidents in the past years. Everything that I knew about the world was false! Before moving out, I've been seeing the world through rose-colored, tinted glasses. I've never encountered so much bullying, harassment, racism, and other bizzareness.
A few years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home and shut myself off from the outside world. It was so revolting and disgusting to me. I didn't want anything to do with it ever again.
But, I digress. My brother wanted a PhD, but I told him don't get it! Why? Because 1) he doesn't need more debt! What he needs is good social skills! 2) Work experience and willingness to learn will trump a PhD anytime! If you have work experience for a job, you will have an advantage over someone who only has a PhD but 0 work experience. My brother needs work experience, never having held a job before. 3) My brother needs help! I don't just mean social skills help, I mean help in mental areas as well.
So, how does this relevant to me and my situation? Sometimes I have people telling me that I should get a advanced degree, such as a Master's or PhD. To them, I say "That's not happening!" If I want to travel abroad, I wouldn't use education as a means to travel, i.e. study abroad or transfer to a foreign university. I would first get a job, then get transferred to a different location. That's my plan, wouldn't you say it's better than the whole study abroad scheme?
So, to recap, I want to 1) get a job, 2) continue networking, 3) continue developing myself at Toastmasters, 4) Continue honing my social, communication, and leadership skills, 5) Find opportunities abroad - if my job allows it, I can volunteer to relocate abroad for 1-2 years and see how that goes.
I had no life outside of school and studying. I didn't learn much social skills at home. My parents told me that education is more important than, say socializing. I never went to prom, Sadie's dances, or graduation. I just kept studying like nuts. I know, studying has turned into OCD for me. I pulled all nighters too, just to pull off As in class. I had no social life outside of education. I wouldn't know what to do if I don't have school. Excelling in school, being one of the top 10, was the air I breathe. It was my identity - I took a lot of pride in my academic achievements.
This all changed years ago, when I moved away from home and went out to see the real world. In the real world, no one cares about how many PhDs you have, or how smart you are. If you have poor social skills and couldn't connect with people, you're screwed. People hate you just for having poor communication/social skills, nothing personal really. Getting a job requires networking - in fact, many jobs are offered to referrals, i.e. people that you actually know or people that your friends know.
Being ill-equipped to handle the real world, I suffered from depression, mental instability, suicidal feelings, trauma, etc. People don't see me as the "smart" person that I want to come across as. In fact, people don't care how smart I am, or what my IQ is, or whether I went to college. If I can't understand or connect with people, they won't like me.
I've suffered many humiliating incidents in the past years. Everything that I knew about the world was false! Before moving out, I've been seeing the world through rose-colored, tinted glasses. I've never encountered so much bullying, harassment, racism, and other bizzareness.
A few years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I moved back home and shut myself off from the outside world. It was so revolting and disgusting to me. I didn't want anything to do with it ever again.
But, I digress. My brother wanted a PhD, but I told him don't get it! Why? Because 1) he doesn't need more debt! What he needs is good social skills! 2) Work experience and willingness to learn will trump a PhD anytime! If you have work experience for a job, you will have an advantage over someone who only has a PhD but 0 work experience. My brother needs work experience, never having held a job before. 3) My brother needs help! I don't just mean social skills help, I mean help in mental areas as well.
So, how does this relevant to me and my situation? Sometimes I have people telling me that I should get a advanced degree, such as a Master's or PhD. To them, I say "That's not happening!" If I want to travel abroad, I wouldn't use education as a means to travel, i.e. study abroad or transfer to a foreign university. I would first get a job, then get transferred to a different location. That's my plan, wouldn't you say it's better than the whole study abroad scheme?
So, to recap, I want to 1) get a job, 2) continue networking, 3) continue developing myself at Toastmasters, 4) Continue honing my social, communication, and leadership skills, 5) Find opportunities abroad - if my job allows it, I can volunteer to relocate abroad for 1-2 years and see how that goes.
Maybe somewhere a kevin is thinking "oh man, why does jaim38 keep popping in my head"
