Issue with Fiona. Help!

[razzle dazzle rose]

And the space issue...that would kinda worry me too, as you said you two don't see each other that much as there is some distance involved. There is already too much space!

 

[Amitush123]

Be patient, don't send txts back right away, call her les..let her miss you

 

[Section_31]

I think Lady J hit the nail on the head Mikey, i couldnt have said it better myself.

 

[Hellhound]

^ I'm exactly the same, no touchy feely!!!! (I'm probably schizotypal)

There goes my plan of glomping Remus.

 

[Remus]

There goes my plan of glomping Remus.

Get your hands off me! :no:

 

[bcsr]

Okay, so as most of you know, I went to see Fiona over the weekend.

Everything was pretty normal until I realised that on Saturday night she had been less affectionate than she had been in past visits. She's not a very affectionate person, anyway, so being even less than that was noticeable for me, particularly because I was still at the same level.

On the drive home, I sent her a text, asking her if my level of affection is overbearing. Her reply was, "I'm just someone who's used to their own space, I think. I definitely do not mind you in it, I'm just not used to it and the constant touching. Does this make sense?

During the back and forth, she said that I haven't made her uncomfortable, and that she needs time and patience because she's never had a boyfriend before (I already knew this, so that confirms it). I can understand her reluctance for affection because she's gone 27 years without it and doesn't need it as much as I do.

Which leads me to the issue at hand.

I need more intimacy than she does. I love being hugged and kissing her and all that kind of stuff, where she can take it or leave it. I'm willing to give her time and patience, like she said, but there will come a time where my physical needs are not being met and I'm going to feel starved. Is this something I should be bringing up with her (when the time is right)? Is it selfish to even think this way, knowing she's already going out of her way to kiss me in the first place and allow me to touch her? Will she ever break out of her shell, or will I remain overbearing forever? Should I scale back what I do? This whole thing is on my mind and it makes me upset thinking about it because I wonder if she'll ever increase her affection. We don't see each other very much - every six weeks if we're lucky - so I like to make the most of it.

Help a brother out!

How long have you two been dating? I wouldn't worry about this too much if it's early in a relationship. She's going to become more comfortable with it as time goes on, and you are going to become less "touchy-feely."

 

[BlueDays]

I tried to think of some advice but I realized I don't have the confidence to give any on your problem as I've only had one relationship, and it was a train wreck h:
Although I should mention that I totally agree with everything joule said.:thumbup:

 

[XxXWhiteRoseXxX]

I kept refreshing this, hoping to get more input from others. ...I guess it's my turn now. :bigsmile:

I won't try to speak on behalf of your girlfriend - everyone is different and I am clearly not her - but I will tell you of my own experiences.

My current boyfriend is extremely touchy-feely. I, however, am not accustomed to any sort of affection, be it physical or emotional. At first, I spooked even when he tried to hug me or hold my hand.

For a while, there was a sort of void in our relationship because we weren't meeting halfway and/or communicating well. I voiced my insecurities, and he agreed to slow down to help. Eventually, I became more accepting of him, and our relationship has improved ten-fold because he was willing to give me time to adjust.

Actually, we kissed for the first time today and it was quite lovely.

All in all, I say you stick to it, and let her get used to the affection so she can better accept and reciprocate it. You seem like a decent guy, so I don't doubt you'll respect her boundaries.

I wish you the best of luck. :thumbup:

 

[Section_31]

Mikey is a VERY decent guy!. In fact I drunk texted a few times to vouch for his decency and awsomeness! They got a laugh out of it, but I was serious! Lol

 

[MikeyC]

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies! Thank you to everyone who has taken the time out to answer.

I think the consensus here is that I should probably ease back a little bit. Fiona is probably a bit overwhelmed by my touching and kissing - even though she assured me that she wasn't uncomfortable (possibly a lie to save my feelings, but I can only trust her judgment). So, against my needs, I will do that. I will scale back on everything and let her warm up to the idea of being affectionate.

I agree with joule that relationships are trial-and-error a lot. The mistakes I make in this one I can rectify in the next one (although I don't particularly want a "next one"!). Another one of her texts that day said that we can be awkward together, so that indicates to me that she does want something to blossom here, but I'm being pushy with it, even without words.

I respond well to affection - I love hugs, kissing, touching, and so on - so stopping that when around her is going to take a little self-control. It's her fault for being so cute!

 

[MikeyC]

Hi mickey... I hope things work out for the both of you. In my experience... I've only been with one partner. And I too was really uncomfortable, he had to be very patient with me. I didn't like, and still don't like any kind of PDA. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't care if others do it... but I feel very self conscious. I feel like there's a time and a place for intimacy. Don't get me wrong... I personally, am a cuddler. And I like affection. I just don't feel the need to do that in front of others.

The person who was my partner, was very affectionate, touchy, and sensitive. He wouldn't verbalize it, but I knew it bothered him that I was not as open to PDA of any kind.

What worked for us was compromising. I told him I was not ok with any kind of kissing, or pet names, or anything embarrassing in front of our families...

Since I knew, he needed constant touching to feel more secure, I agreed to handholding whenever he wanted that reassurance. And we too had a long distance relationship for a while... so we both made a commitment to two hours a day of just snuggling and and talking, before we went out (when visiting eachother). Gave him peace of mind and reassurance, and also gave me a tangible idea of what his expectations and needs where.

Although you both different in this, it is definitely doable. It all comes down to communication.

I wish you all the best

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that Fiona will be like you and eventually warm up to the idea of affection. I think communication with her is the best option.

It can get irritating after a while if your partner is constantly doing it. I'm just speaking for myself though, of course, but maybe she's feeling the same way.

It's possible, but she's never voiced it. I wouldn't be offended if she told me I was being irritating. This is how I learn. I would also try to communicate with her if she was being the same. We're both mature adults so I like to think we can sort out problems without the need for yelling.

I'd probably slap you if you were pawing all over me and I couldn't take it

That's because you couldn't handle my unbelievably good looks. Aw yeah. ::

 

[MikeyC]

I'm quite clear that you are a special one. And you deserve someone who deserves you.

Thank you but I'm just a regular guy, haha. Your post was great and gives me something to consider. Thank you. [/QUOTE]

How long have you two been dating? I wouldn't worry about this too much if it's early in a relationship. She's going to become more comfortable with it as time goes on, and you are going to become less "touchy-feely."

We haven't been "dating," if you could call it that, for long - maybe 3 months, but the distance means we can't see each other too regularly. It's feast or famine.

For a while, there was a sort of void in our relationship because we weren't meeting halfway and/or communicating well. I voiced my insecurities, and he agreed to slow down to help. Eventually, I became more accepting of him, and our relationship has improved ten-fold because he was willing to give me time to adjust.

That's interesting. I don't think there's a void but there's certainly a rickety bridge from her side to mine in terms of this issue. I'm glad you started showing more affection, which started by voicing it. It goes to show that communication is the best.

Mikey is a VERY decent guy!. In fact I drunk texted a few times to vouch for his decency and awsomeness! They got a laugh out of it, but I was serious! Lol

We did get a laugh out of it, haha. That was hilarious!

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Okay, so as most of you know, I went to see Fiona over the weekend.

Everything was pretty normal until I realised that on Saturday night she had been less affectionate than she had been in past visits. She's not a very affectionate person, anyway, so being even less than that was noticeable for me, particularly because I was still at the same level.

On the drive home, I sent her a text, asking her if my level of affection is overbearing. Her reply was, "I'm just someone who's used to their own space, I think. I definitely do not mind you in it, I'm just not used to it and the constant touching. Does this make sense?

During the back and forth, she said that I haven't made her uncomfortable, and that she needs time and patience because she's never had a boyfriend before (I already knew this, so that confirms it). I can understand her reluctance for affection because she's gone 27 years without it and doesn't need it as much as I do.

Which leads me to the issue at hand.

I need more intimacy than she does. I love being hugged and kissing her and all that kind of stuff, where she can take it or leave it. I'm willing to give her time and patience, like she said, but there will come a time where my physical needs are not being met and I'm going to feel starved. Is this something I should be bringing up with her (when the time is right)? Is it selfish to even think this way, knowing she's already going out of her way to kiss me in the first place and allow me to touch her? Will she ever break out of her shell, or will I remain overbearing forever? Should I scale back what I do? This whole thing is on my mind and it makes me upset thinking about it because I wonder if she'll ever increase her affection. We don't see each other very much - every six weeks if we're lucky - so I like to make the most of it.

Help a brother out!

Having been in a similar situation myself, here's my advice. It appears that you two speak different love languages. Your way of expressing love differs from how she expresses and accepts love. If you continue to stay in this relationship, you both will end in a never ending pattern of you wanting more affection and feeling dissatisfied and her wanting less and feeling suffocated. That will lead to resentment.

Find someone who wants and NEEDS physical affection as you both will be on the same frequency. I'm sure Fiona enjoys your companionship but it looks like she'll never (permanently speaking) want and need the level of affection that you crave. I think you're better off just being "friends".

Keep in mind that her pulling away from you will make you chase her even more! You will begin to over-romanticize her and your relationship, which will keep you in it longer than you should be.

I know you really like her Mikey, sorry for the negative feedback. There's someone out there waiting for you that wants to be touched and kissed as much as you want it-Find her and keep Fiona as a platonic friend.

Good Luck! I hope I'm wrong but experience tells me otherwise.

 

[Hellhound]

^ I don't fully agree there. I think she might just need time. You can't expect someone who has not done this to suddenly be all affectionate. She has to adjust and it takes some time (assuming she wants to adjust, of course)

 

[twiggle]

A lot of what I would have to say on the matter has already been said, I think it's clear she likes and cares for you a lot; but the physical aspects are not something that she has been accustomised to in the past and so it takes some adjustment.

I wouldn't consider this a cause for too much concern, but just try and ease off from the physical stuff a little bit so that she can get used to it more gradually.

You're a top dude and you deserve a decent girl and she sounds like one - see positives in the fact that she is able to be honest with you about her feelings, and use those positives as things you can build upon/learn about each other to help the relationship grow.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

^ I don't fully agree there. I think she might just need time. You can't expect someone who has not done this to suddenly be all affectionate. She has to adjust and it takes some time (assuming she wants to adjust, of course)

I agree with this and I just want to add that if she never had a boyfriend before, she might be a bit scared that she is being inadequate, and terrified that you are going to judge her....... She might need time to gain some confidence

 

[mismeek]

Does fiona know you put this thread up?

As some one who is just like her, I can relate. I'm not used to being touched and hugged etc. I like it, but I just dont know what to do with it, ya know. Like if a guy puts his arm around me, I grow tense and then wonder *where do i put my arm? should I lean in?* and i just work myself into a frenzy and give up and move away. Maybe shes like that?

 

[XxXWhiteRoseXxX]

Like if a guy puts his arm around me, I grow tense and then wonder *where do i put my arm? should I lean in?* and i just work myself into a frenzy and give up and move away.

That's more or less what I do.

 

[mismeek]

That's more or less what I do.

I know! it makes dating a nightmare! I act like a complete spaz or make really poor choices

 

[MikeyC]

Having been in a similar situation myself, here's my advice. It appears that you two speak different love languages. Your way of expressing love differs from how she expresses and accepts love. If you continue to stay in this relationship, you both will end in a never ending pattern of you wanting more affection and feeling dissatisfied and her wanting less and feeling suffocated. That will lead to resentment.

Find someone who wants and NEEDS physical affection as you both will be on the same frequency. I'm sure Fiona enjoys your companionship but it looks like she'll never (permanently speaking) want and need the level of affection that you crave. I think you're better off just being "friends".

Keep in mind that her pulling away from you will make you chase her even more! You will begin to over-romanticize her and your relationship, which will keep you in it longer than you should be.

I know you really like her Mikey, sorry for the negative feedback. There's someone out there waiting for you that wants to be touched and kissed as much as you want it-Find her and keep Fiona as a platonic friend.

Good Luck! I hope I'm wrong but experience tells me otherwise.

Thanks for your thoughts, mate. I can see where you're coming from, and my needs are probably not being fully met at this stage. However, for the time being, I'm willing to keep things going the way that they are and give her some time to warm up to the idea of me touching, hugging, and kissing her on a more regular basis. I believe she's worth waiting for, at least for now, and if it becomes a problem, I would like to think that we can discuss it in a healthy way because we're two mature adults, especially her, so it won't lead to an emotional breakdown.

I have thought similar things to you, but I'm not willing to jump ship just yet over a problem that can be compromised in time.

A lot of what I would have to say on the matter has already been said, I think it's clear she likes and cares for you a lot; but the physical aspects are not something that she has been accustomised to in the past and so it takes some adjustment.

I wouldn't consider this a cause for too much concern, but just try and ease off from the physical stuff a little bit so that she can get used to it more gradually.

You're a top dude and you deserve a decent girl and she sounds like one - see positives in the fact that she is able to be honest with you about her feelings, and use those positives as things you can build upon/learn about each other to help the relationship grow.

Thanks, twiggle! Yeah, she's never had a boyfriend and she's never had anything like this before, so it's all new to her, even though it's not as new to me.

A friend of mine that used to be her roommate said that she has done things with me they have never, ever seen before, so I have to keep that in mind, too.

I agree with this and I just want to add that if she never had a boyfriend before, she might be a bit scared that she is being inadequate, and terrified that you are going to judge her....... She might need time to gain some confidence

I can't imagine that she thinks I'll judge her. She's far more independent and has a bigger backbone than I do, so, if anything, I'm afraid she's judging me!

Does fiona know you put this thread up?

As some one who is just like her, I can relate. I'm not used to being touched and hugged etc. I like it, but I just dont know what to do with it, ya know. Like if a guy puts his arm around me, I grow tense and then wonder *where do i put my arm? should I lean in?* and i just work myself into a frenzy and give up and move away. Maybe shes like that?

Fiona doesn't know and will never know. :bigsmile:

Perhaps she is the same as you - unsure how to respond. That has happened before, actually, when I sent her a Valentine's Day card and she never really responded to it. It's all new for her. Are you getting better at affection and not getting into a tizzy? Haha.