Issue with Fiona. Help!

[ImNotMyIllness]

I definitely hope it works out.....maybe she just needs time or maybe it is something that you both can compromise on. If you love her and she loves you then that's all that matters.

 

[MikeyC]

I definitely hope it works out.....maybe she just needs time or maybe it is something that you both can compromise on. If you love her and she loves you then that's all that matters.

She mentioned that she needs time and patience when I texted her on Sunday, but she also said that "we can be awkward together," so it's something.

If I was sexually attracted to watermelons, this would be so much easier!

 

[telepathine]

I agree with this and I just want to add that if she never had a boyfriend before, she might be a bit scared that she is being inadequate, and terrified that you are going to judge her....... She might need time to gain some confidence

YES.

mikey, your description of fiona's behavior reminds me so much of how i've been / am when it comes to physical affection. the above quote has a lot to do with it (even if the guy seems very much into me) + i'm very sensitive to touch, i'm not used to it, and i wasn't raised in a huggy household or had huggy friends. i do want affection but i can become easily overwhelmed. i totally understand your concern and possible frustration, but time (lots of time in person) and patience could be the key. i hope you two are able to work things out. <3

 

[MikeyC]

YES.

mikey, your description of fiona's behavior reminds me so much of how i've been / am when it comes to physical affection. the above quote has a lot to do with it (even if the guy seems very much into me) + i'm very sensitive to touch, i'm not used to it, and i wasn't raised in a huggy household or had huggy friends. i do want affection but i can become easily overwhelmed. i totally understand your concern and possible frustration, but time (lots of time in person) and patience could be the key. i hope you two are able to work things out. <3

Lots of time in person is not an option because of our distance but I try to get to Melbourne whenever I'm able to. :sad:

I don't know what her household was like in terms of affection, but she's had a - how should I say? - different upbringing to most people I know, so that could play a part, too. If she's like you and didn't grow up giving or receiving many hugs, it could be playing a part. Thank you for your insight.

 

[Nanita]

Okay, so as most of you know, I went to see Fiona over the weekend.

Everything was pretty normal until I realised that on Saturday night she had been less affectionate than she had been in past visits. She's not a very affectionate person, anyway, so being even less than that was noticeable for me, particularly because I was still at the same level.

On the drive home, I sent her a text, asking her if my level of affection is overbearing. Her reply was, "I'm just someone who's used to their own space, I think. I definitely do not mind you in it, I'm just not used to it and the constant touching. Does this make sense?

During the back and forth, she said that I haven't made her uncomfortable, and that she needs time and patience because she's never had a boyfriend before (I already knew this, so that confirms it). I can understand her reluctance for affection because she's gone 27 years without it and doesn't need it as much as I do.

Which leads me to the issue at hand.

I need more intimacy than she does. I love being hugged and kissing her and all that kind of stuff, where she can take it or leave it. I'm willing to give her time and patience, like she said, but there will come a time where my physical needs are not being met and I'm going to feel starved. Is this something I should be bringing up with her (when the time is right)? Is it selfish to even think this way, knowing she's already going out of her way to kiss me in the first place and allow me to touch her? Will she ever break out of her shell, or will I remain overbearing forever? Should I scale back what I do? This whole thing is on my mind and it makes me upset thinking about it because I wonder if she'll ever increase her affection. We don't see each other very much - every six weeks if we're lucky - so I like to make the most of it.

Help a brother out!

I was kinda like that in my first 2 relationships when I was very young! With time I got more and more used to the affection and physical contact. It just took time. There wasn´t anything those guys could have done differently, for me to be more comfortable - I just needed time to get used to everything.
I hope everything goes well with you and her.

 

[MikeyC]

I was kinda like that in my first 2 relationships when I was very young! With time I got more and more used to the affection and physical contact. It just took time. There wasn´t anything those guys could have done differently, for me to be more comfortable - I just needed time to get used to everything.
I hope everything goes well with you and her.

Yeah, I don't think there's anything I can do, either, except tone it down. Good to hear you got more used to it in the end.

Thanks! :thumbup:

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I like that she said you guys can be awkward together. That's very cool!

 

[MikeyC]

I like that she said you guys can be awkward together. That's very cool!

I thought that was cool, too. I'm very happy to be awkward with her. :applause:

 

[XxXWhiteRoseXxX]

Is there any update? I hope this issue was able to be worked out. :thumbup:

 

[Dinosaur]

Never try to understand women,it will just drive you crazy!

 

[MikeyC]

Is there any update? I hope this issue was able to be worked out. :thumbup:

Man, I forgot about this thread.

The update is not a happy one. It's probably not going to work out with her. She's been avoiding me, she was not answering my messages of affection, and anything like that. I'm still attracted to her, but I'm working on trying to overcome that.

I'm quite hurt about this whole thing, to be truthful. In time it will fade.

Thanks for asking.

 

[XxXWhiteRoseXxX]

Man, I forgot about this thread.

The update is not a happy one. It's probably not going to work out with her. She's been avoiding me, she was not answering my messages of affection, and anything like that. I'm still attracted to her, but I'm working on trying to overcome that.

I'm quite hurt about this whole thing, to be truthful. In time it will fade.

Thanks for asking.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You seem like a good guy, so I have faith in you yet!

 

[neardeath]

try asking her what her ideal would be in that area?

It'll never be perfect, but if you expect something different, then set a time-frame as someone mentioned and see what happens?

 

[MikeyC]

I'm sorry to hear that.

You seem like a good guy, so I have faith in you yet!

Thank you.

try asking her what her ideal would be in that area?

It'll never be perfect, but if you expect something different, then set a time-frame as someone mentioned and see what happens?

A good time frame would be after her thesis is finished, so around August. I think it's best to wait until then before pursuing her any further, by which time I may have moved on. We'll see.

 

[Falkor]

Having been in a similar situation myself, here's my advice. It appears that you two speak different love languages. Your way of expressing love differs from how she expresses and accepts love. If you continue to stay in this relationship, you both will end in a never ending pattern of you wanting more affection and feeling dissatisfied and her wanting less and feeling suffocated. That will lead to resentment.

Find someone who wants and NEEDS physical affection as you both will be on the same frequency. I'm sure Fiona enjoys your companionship but it looks like she'll never (permanently speaking) want and need the level of affection that you crave. I think you're better off just being "friends".

Keep in mind that her pulling away from you will make you chase her even more! You will begin to over-romanticize her and your relationship, which will keep you in it longer than you should be.

I know you really like her Mikey, sorry for the negative feedback. There's someone out there waiting for you that wants to be touched and kissed as much as you want it-Find her and keep Fiona as a platonic friend.

Good Luck! I hope I'm wrong but experience tells me otherwise.

I think this advice is very good. But of course you never know how this relationship with Fiona will develop, maybe she will open up to Mikey, or maybe she just needs time, you never know the outcome. So I wouldn't advice you to just break up, because of the fact that's she's not fulfilling what you feel, at this moment. Do give her a CHANCE to show it to you, maybe she's not as romantic as you are, maybe she's not ready for it, maybe she needs to get used to it, maybe she's afraid of intimitacy because she never kissed before, she's awkward and afraid if it's scary and such, very common with girls but also guys because it's new and scary, so show her you do kiss her with love etc, comfort her that she kisses good and that touching you makes you feel nice, and stuff like that. maybe she has to get to know you better, maybe you should try seeing her more often, because maybe she's nervous everytime you come and visit, because it's been a long while. Could make it more strangerish. And another thing, go out, take her to the beach ,go to the movies, eat in a nice restaurant, or simply take a walk, ask her about her dreams, her visions for later, if she wants kids, where she sees herself in 10 years, where she'd be living, that way you can get ''closer to her heart''. Some people are afraid of that commitment, I don't know why because I don't have that, but I have an ex who wanted to do separated living, and I could simply not do that because it's not my future vision, Just have been honest, hopefully your girlfriend doesn't want too much space, because you seem like a person who's more of the being together kind of thing, instead of like spending time on his own. All thuogh sometimes time on our own is relaxing and chill, being together all the time is freaking out as wlel, but too much space, a balance, that's what you guys need Fiona and Mikey

But your needs are very important, but do give it space and time, but it's okay how you feel.

I am totally the oposit, I love being touched, I'm a bit of a addict if it comes to romance and kissing and feeling skyrocket while my partner touches me, I can't live without it, I NEED a person who is touchy (but I don't like this word though) because that's what I call butterflies. But Touchy isn't the right word, because I'm not like a baby wanting to be pet all the time, that makes me think of the word Touchey, you just touch eachother gently and do it with feeling, with trust, BUT on the right time, when the mood is there. So not all the time, that's gross.

So what I'm trying to say, there are girls who are like that, but also guys. So don't think you're crazy, don't blame yourself, just try to tell this to Fiona, put on a romantic song, take her by the hand, lead her to the floor and dance it on, and look her in the eyes, and see how she reacts. I bet she will get the message then That being touchy is lovely ^_^ Just with trust it's the greatest experience.

 

[MikeyC]

Thank you, Falkor.

I think that she does need time to warm to the idea of touching, since she is very inexperienced with that kind of thing. I think there might be more to that, though.

Seeing her often is difficult because of the distance. She's under a lot of pressure, too. There's lots going on in her life and not much of it is good, so she can't really deal with me on top of all that.

I do hold hope that something can spark up again in the future, but we'll see.

 

[Falkor]

Thank you, Falkor.

I think that she does need time to warm to the idea of touching, since she is very inexperienced with that kind of thing. I think there might be more to that, though.

Seeing her often is difficult because of the distance. She's under a lot of pressure, too. There's lots going on in her life and not much of it is good, so she can't really deal with me on top of all that.

I do hold hope that something can spark up again in the future, but we'll see.

If she's going through a lot right now, then indeed it's better to take some time off from her, give her all the space she needs. And maybe that's another factor why she's not in the mood for intimacy.

Just be there for her when she needs you, and give it some time, focus on yourself

 

[MikeyC]

If she's going through a lot right now, then indeed it's better to take some time off from her, give her all the space she needs. And maybe that's another factor why she's not in the mood for intimacy.

Just be there for her when she needs you, and give it some time, focus on yourself

That is exactly what I intend to do: give her space, but still keep in some contact with her. There's several reasons why intimacy is not on her agenda.

At the same time, I'm not going to wait around if someone else comes along. May be harsh but that's how it is.

Thanks for all your advice.

 

[Silatuyok]

That is exactly what I intend to do: give her space, but still keep in some contact with her. There's several reasons why intimacy is not on her agenda.

At the same time, I'm not going to wait around if someone else comes along. May be harsh but that's how it is.

Thanks for all your advice.

:thumbup: I approve of your approach to this matter.

 

[MikeyC]

:thumbup: I approve of your approach to this matter.

Thank you, Marie.