Issue with Fiona. Help!

[MikeyC]

Okay, so as most of you know, I went to see Fiona over the weekend.

Everything was pretty normal until I realised that on Saturday night she had been less affectionate than she had been in past visits. She's not a very affectionate person, anyway, so being even less than that was noticeable for me, particularly because I was still at the same level.

On the drive home, I sent her a text, asking her if my level of affection is overbearing. Her reply was, "I'm just someone who's used to their own space, I think. I definitely do not mind you in it, I'm just not used to it and the constant touching. Does this make sense?

During the back and forth, she said that I haven't made her uncomfortable, and that she needs time and patience because she's never had a boyfriend before (I already knew this, so that confirms it). I can understand her reluctance for affection because she's gone 27 years without it and doesn't need it as much as I do.

Which leads me to the issue at hand.

I need more intimacy than she does. I love being hugged and kissing her and all that kind of stuff, where she can take it or leave it. I'm willing to give her time and patience, like she said, but there will come a time where my physical needs are not being met and I'm going to feel starved. Is this something I should be bringing up with her (when the time is right)? Is it selfish to even think this way, knowing she's already going out of her way to kiss me in the first place and allow me to touch her? Will she ever break out of her shell, or will I remain overbearing forever? Should I scale back what I do? This whole thing is on my mind and it makes me upset thinking about it because I wonder if she'll ever increase her affection. We don't see each other very much - every six weeks if we're lucky - so I like to make the most of it.

Help a brother out!

 

[thegunners21]

I don't think it's selfish, you have your own needs and she has hers. I would say that you should give it more time. (say something like 3 months?) I would try to focus on other areas of the relationship (the part that doesn't involve hugging or kissing) and try to make her more comfortable. If it becomes too big of a problem though, try to talk to her.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't think it's selfish, you have your own needs and she has hers. I would say that you should give it more time. (say something like 3 months?) I would try to focus on other areas of the relationship (the part that doesn't involve hugging or kissing) and try to make her more comfortable. If it becomes too big of a problem though, try to talk to her.

You're right. I don't know what else I can really help her with, since she's got independence oozing out of her, but if I can maybe focus on something else, that will be better.

I do feel I will have to talk about it to her sooner or later. I'll wait on it, though.

Thanks, man.

 

[thegunners21]

You're right. I don't know what else I can really help her with, since she's got independence oozing out of her, but if I can maybe focus on something else, that will be better.

I do feel I will have to talk about it to her sooner or later. I'll wait on it, though.

Thanks, man.

Yea, just having good light-hearted conversations with someone can go a long way in making them comfortable. Watching movies together doesn't hurt either

 

[hidwell]

Having next to no experience in the dating world I can't real offer any practical advice other than to say patience and compromise is the key to any happy relationship. Good luck to you. :thumbup:

 

[MikeyC]

Yea, just having good light-hearted conversations with someone can go a long way in making them comfortable. Watching movies together doesn't hurt either

Yeah, we've done that before.

Having next to no experience in the dating world I can't real offer any practical advice other than to say patience and compromise is the key to any happy relationship. Good luck to you. :thumbup:

Add trust to that list and you'd be very right. Thanks, buddy!

 

[jc972]

Some people simply need more affection than others. It'd be good if she could meet a compromise with you but her not having a boyfriend before I can see where she wouldn't be used to all the hugging/kissing that you would like. I reckon in time she'll meet you in the middle, just keep being patient is about all you can do. How about watching a scary movie with her at night? She might get creeped out and want your arm around her... Keep your chin up, mikey :thumbup: You sound like a patient, caring person and thats awesome!

 

[MikeyC]

Some people simply need more affection than others. It'd be good if she could meet a compromise with you but her not having a boyfriend before I can see where she wouldn't be used to all the hugging/kissing that you would like. I reckon in time she'll meet you in the middle, just keep being patient is about all you can do. How about watching a scary movie with her at night? She might get creeped out and want your arm around her... Keep your chin up, mikey :thumbup: You sound like a patient, caring person and thats awesome!

Yes, she does need time to warm up to it, but I do wonder how long that's going to take. She has to want to step outside her comfort zone, too. Hopefully for me she will do it.

I think she likes scary movies, so she'll likely not be too scared of them, haha.

I'm trying, mate, but I have to admit it's not easy, particularly when all I want to do is grab her and kiss her.

 

[Vampayah88]

What did she mean when she said she's not used to the constant touching? are you feeling her up everywhere? touching her and humping her like in that clip with Jim Carrey Baby dont hurt me? if you do you might consider toning it down a bit.

Don't keep your concerns for yourself, talk to her, ask her what she likes and doesn't like, maybe she wants u to express your affection, love, verbally more?but you need to tell her what you want as well, let her know how you feel, and with a little time and patience maybe you'll work through your differences and you'll both get what you want.

Maybe she's not used to having a bf and all that comes with it, but she should want that stuff, have desires..you said she was more affectionate before. What changed now?

Touching, hugging, making out is fundamental to a healthy relationship so...tits or GTFO.

(ok im kidding about the last part, the tits one i mean)

 

[MikeyC]

What did she mean when she said she's not used to the constant touching? are you feeling her up everywhere? touching her and humping her like in that clip with Jim Carrey Baby dont hurt me? if you do you might consider toning it down a bit.

I'm not feeling her up, haha. Mostly just rubbing her back, kissing her cheek, that sort of thing. It's nothing overly sexual but it is somewhat affectionate. What scene is that Jim Carrey thing? I'm curious. ::

Don't keep your concerns for yourself, talk to her, ask her what she likes and doesn't like, maybe she wants u to express your affection, love, verbally more?but you need to tell her what you want as well, let her know how you feel, and with a little time and patience maybe you'll work through your differences and you'll both get what you want.

Yeah, maybe just asking her directly what she wants is a good idea, so then I can do that and not what she doesn't like. In time I hope to, but it's difficult living so far away. It's basically "feast or famine" with her.

Maybe she's not used to having a bf and all that comes with it, but she should want that stuff, have desires..you said she was more affectionate before. What changed now?

Nothing has really changed, to be honest, but maybe she had other things on her mind, or she wasn't in an affectionate mood (by her standards). It could be a myriad of things.

tits or GTFO.

Haha, I'd be out of that relationship so fast....

 

[Kiwong]

I guess it is a matter of communication. Try to meet half way, to learn about each other with time and patience. Some people need their own space, it isn't anything you have done wrong. She probably enjoys your company just as much, just on her own terms. If seh is not used to affection it might take time for her to become comfortable with it.

Of course I know little about relationships. All I know is that I am not a touchy feely kind of person. When someone touches me affectionately, I can feel awkward, because I am not used to it.

 

[Vampayah88]

I'm not feeling her up, haha. Mostly just rubbing her back, kissing her cheek, that sort of thing. It's nothing overly sexual but it is somewhat affectionate. What scene is that Jim Carrey thing? I'm curious. ::

Aww, doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong or being overbearing.

This is the scene, it's at 0:52 )
What is love (Jim Carrey) original - YouTube

 

[MikeyC]

I guess it is a matter of communication. Try to meet half way, to learn about each other with time and patience. Some people need their own space, it isn't anything you have done wrong. She probably enjoys your company just as much, just on her own terms. If seh is not used to affection it might take time for her to become comfortable with it.

Of course I know little about relationships. All I know is that I am not a touchy feely kind of person. When someone touches me affectionately, I can feel awkward, because I am not used to it.

I guess she is a little like you in that she is not a real touchy-feely person. She has initiated kisses sometimes, but I certainly do the lion's share of that.

Thanks for replying. :thumbup:

 

[MikeyC]

Aww, doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong or being overbearing.

This is the scene, it's at 0:52 )
What is love (Jim Carrey) original - YouTube

Oh, that was awesome! :bigsmile:

 

[nodejesque]

Hi mickey... I hope things work out for the both of you. In my experience... I've only been with one partner. And I too was really uncomfortable, he had to be very patient with me. I didn't like, and still don't like any kind of PDA. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't care if others do it... but I feel very self conscious. I feel like there's a time and a place for intimacy. Don't get me wrong... I personally, am a cuddler. And I like affection. I just don't feel the need to do that in front of others.

The person who was my partner, was very affectionate, touchy, and sensitive. He wouldn't verbalize it, but I knew it bothered him that I was not as open to PDA of any kind.

What worked for us was compromising. I told him I was not ok with any kind of kissing, or pet names, or anything embarrassing in front of our families...

Since I knew, he needed constant touching to feel more secure, I agreed to handholding whenever he wanted that reassurance. And we too had a long distance relationship for a while... so we both made a commitment to two hours a day of just snuggling and and talking, before we went out (when visiting eachother). Gave him peace of mind and reassurance, and also gave me a tangible idea of what his expectations and needs where.

Although you both different in this, it is definitely doable. It all comes down to communication.

I wish you all the best

 

[Hellhound]

I believe she's going to need a lot of time to adjust to the idea that she has a boyfriend. 27 years is a really long time. It really doesn't surprise me if she's not too into showing affection as much as you are.

 

[doctor_who]

I think you should give her time, but stay with her and just be patient. There will be a time where she opens up and is okay with the physical side of a relationship.

I was like that, I am a SA sufferer and when I first started seeing my boyfriend I found it very difficult to speak to him and touch him and stuff like that. He had patience with me and kept wanting to see me and we saw each other when we could and my confidence grew and then I finally came out my shell and weve been great ever since. I am glad he gave me some time to come out of my shell cause I really wanted him to see the real me, I am glad he gave me a chance.

you are not being selfish but maybe she has some problems, like I was shy and quiet and didn't know what to say, remember if you are her first boyfriend she'll find this all new and probably quite hard, as my boyfriend is my first boyfriend so I understand. She will become different in time you just need to support her and be there for her. Maybe she feels uncomfortable with you touching her as shes never experienced it before, maybe she thinks its going too fast and maybe you need to slow down and give her time and space. She will be ready when shes ready...she probably does have desires but she is probably nervous and anxious....a relationship is meant to be about trust so maybe tell her that you wont leave if she does something wrong. I always refrained from being affectionate with my boyfriend when I first started seeing him because I was nervous and worried that I might do something he doesn't like and he will think I am a freak and leave me, plus nobody tells you when it is right to do what there is no timescale give her time and trust me I bet it will be worth it!

 

[Opaline]

I've been in relationships before and I don't like tons of touchy-feeliness. I'm not stone cold - in fact touch is something very important to me and I enjoy it very much - but too much of it can feel like you're being smothered. It can get irritating after a while if your partner is constantly doing it. I'm just speaking for myself though, of course, but maybe she's feeling the same way. Like others have said, just give her time and maybe a little more physical space

 

[Remus]

^ I'm exactly the same, no touchy feely!!!! (I'm probably schizotypal)

I'd suggest giving her breathing space Mike. Relationships are about giving, give her this. I'd probably slap you if you were pawing all over me and I couldn't take it

 

[razzle dazzle rose]

It can take some adjusting and time to get to that level where both people feel satisfied for sure. But I understand your frustration? When I am first dating someone, I cannot keep my hands off. It is the most exciting period. I don't think I'd be able to handle it if the person I was with was telling me to back off However, I know you are a patient and kind person, so I know you are more than willing to wait for her to become more comfortable. Your needs and wants are just as important as hers though. It is not selfish to ask for what you need. A little compromise goes a long way.