I'm 51 & never had sex

[Littlewilly]

I am 51 years old. I am heterosexual but I have never had sex with another person (FEMALE) never dated,relationship etc. I have never felt like a real human being. Emotionally everything is turned inwards & broken. I rarely go out now & I sometimes feel cut off from the world & don't know where to turn for help.
Thanks for anything you might suggest.::

 

[Graeme1988]

I am 51 years old. I am heterosexual but I have never had sex with another person (FEMALE) never dated,relationship etc. I have never felt like a real human being. Emotionally everything is turned inwards & broken. I rarely go out now & I sometimes feel cut off from the world & don't know where to turn for help.
Thanks for anything you might suggest.::

I don't know what to say, depressingly, I can relate. :: I'm in the same situation, though I'm only in my 20s. Do you have anyone you can confide in and talk to about this issue? If not, maybe therapy/counseling could help you? Just suggestion, since you say you don't know where to turn for help.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I suppose I can't relate to people mainly because I am asexual and don't see the importance or understand the need for sex.
BUT-- the rest of the world seem so focused on sex; so I completely understand the feeling of not being human because of it.

May I ask why you think you've never had the chance for sex or relationships?

It's easy enough to go out and find someone to have sex with-- especially if you're a girl-- no matter your size or how old you are. If that's all you want; you could literally make an ad on craigslist and 'get it over with' by this time next week.
But that's probably not what you want, right?
You could have insecurities or fears in your way-- or even physical limitations.
Sex, on it's own is empty.
BUT relationships are a bit different. Especially if you want to find someone perfect to share yourself with and never let a person in because of baggage/fears/insecurities.


Anyway... your story is interesting and in no way does not having had sex make you less human. It's your choice.
If you feel you're missing out, there is alot you can do to work up to a relationship if you start now-- or months-- or years from now, even.
I'd like to hear more about your life if you would care to share more details.

 

[MollyBeGood]

it's easy for me to say because I am not in your position but there is so much more to life than sex! If I think of all the time i have wasted trying to be attractive etc...for the opposite sex and all the heartbreak and anguish they have caused me...when I could have put my energies towards something else....

don't be too sad about it.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Ok-If you really want to meet someone I would suggest a book club, art or cooking classes. That's not a bad way to learn and maybe hook-up Bird-watching group or gardening too...

 

[Kinetik]

I imagine it's hard to meet people at your age. I'm much younger and already feel myself becoming more insular with each passing year. I feel lucky that I ventured out more in my younger years and that I'm engaged now, because I'd have a tough time meeting women if I were single these days. I think in your case you might have to start off small and see if you can network from something that isn't directly related to romance. It's never too late to start making friends and who knows what might come of that.

 

[Bo592]

Joining a groups is a good idea I like that Idea. I am heading down that path you are in man I don`t like to admit it .I Thank You need to keep your chain up . Their all kinds of dating site you can go to. Just remember there are lots of lonely women out there too just as scard of dying with on one else by their side too. You are not alone.... Do you know what keep you from finding anyone ?

 

[Littlewilly]

I don't think its so much about not ever having sex really its more of not ever having A girlfriend in at all. I never had any gf's when I was at school either but it never seemed to bother me then or at least I don't think so at the time. I believe i've learnt alot about myself over the last few years. I believe i suffer some phobias like (SA/SP,Low self-esteem,Low confidence) but mainly Shyness or Love shyness. I remember not long after i first started school there was this girl from another class maybe above me alittle who would bully me in the playground. I don't think it went on to long but I vagerly remember how sort of distressed i became for a while & now I think that that's the reason i became loveshy later on & i was bullied & teased from time to time throught0ut my school years but i never mixed with girls at school but i don't think it was all that bad, i mean i did have alot of laughs at school with friends, i mean i didn't sit in the corner with a paper bag over my head but it wasn't until i started in the world of work after a time that i began to take alot more serious notice of the opposite sex because they seemed to be alot more friendlier towards me so i became more interested but unfortunatly my shyness would kick in at the wrong time. I dunno maybe i've worried about it too much over the years. (Sorry for ranting on)

 

[Boby]

I'm am in the same situation but i'm only 22 years old.But there still hope for you because usually there are few people your age who are single so competition is tight and women are less picky,also looks start to go on the bottom of the list at that age.All you have to do now is get out of the house and just open up a bit more ,i'm sure women at that age will not hesitate to approach you.

 

[Clown]

its not to late , get an escort ( so many even succesfull men do that) drink some alcholol and enjoy yourself .. you only live once so do it every week go have dinner with someone .. so you get the feel for it . and later you can try dating site for more seriously relationship.
stop thinking just do it.. nothing bad about escort they have some pretty ladies there.
If it turns out bad just go to the next lady
While everyone is stuck with there wife for 30 years you can get some adventure right now.

 

[Nouveau]

I'm in the same position, but 24. I imagine it's hard to find people to be friends or more with at your age because it's hard to find them at my age.
I keep thinking that I'm sure I'll meet someone and such one day, but then I think, I'm not so sure I want to. Because I keep feeling the person will be like, 'what is wrong with you, you've never dated (I don't count the one bad date that I've had), been in a relationship, etc and you're this age?' I feel very insecure about my inexperience in that arena.

I've been told how to meet people and I will tell you what they told me. Take a class (cooking, painting, sculpting or anything that interests you), join a book club, go to book stores, eat out, go to the hardware store and act as if you have no idea what you need (apparently, a guy or girl will eventually offer some help and you go from there), go to events near you, go to concerts, go to the movies and hang around in the lobby for a little bit before and after the movie, go sit in the park, etc. The list could go on and on.
I've tried a few of those, but nothing has ever come of it. Maybe someone said hello or whatever and went on their way. Of course, it's recommended that you try over and over and keep positive. There is someone out there for everyone, I've been told.

 

[Hoppy]

Emotionally everything is turned inwards & broken

I know how you feel. I (41) never had an intimate relationship either, and just having meaningless sex with an escort isn't an option either, and very expensive.(Probably the reason I don't do it(and you don't have to believe me)

Feeling cut off from the world is rather horrible, and sometimes it feels as if the walls are closing in on you, wanting to crush you.

You didn't say where you're from, so I'm shooting blind, and I presume at your age you've tried everything that society suggests like therapists and hobbies.

So, suggestions from me:

1. Join Toastmasters. They have a program to teach people to speak in public, very supportive and there are clubs all over the world. It is going to be horrible at first but it will teach you how to cope and talk under pressure.

2. Spend some time and effort on your physical appearance, even going to see professionals if needed. The lack of contact with people tend to erode pride in self, and for me it is a constant struggle to bother to stay neat.

3. Join a club of some kind. I didn't get any friends from it, but just the monthly getting out and mingling with people with similar interests made life a little better.

4. And remember that sex and love probably isn't all humans are about. And get the order right. First contacts, then acquaintances, then friends, followed by becoming good friends and hopefully after that lovers.

5. And learn to drop the duds. Don't spend time with or waste time on people that do not reciprocate. There is enough people on this forum who complains about bad friends.


And good luck. Let us know how it goes with you.

 

[OceanMist]

My honest advice is to do whatever you can to get it over with. I know sex shouldn't be looked at in that way but I think you've got to get that first time done with so you can get the mystery over with.

Considering you made this thread, this never having had sex is probably bothering you a bit, and that's totally understandable.

For me, I had a relationship but didn't have sex with her, so I still felt like I was missing something. After I finally had sex with the next girl, I finally felt like I knew what it felt like and was glad I got it over with. I think it's just the mystery that's the problem. It's something most people have done, so it's natural to want to experience it.

I am against the escort thing because the average escort has had 900 partners (yuck). I did online dating and I would recommend that. If you have friends? You could hit the bars. If you really got guts, you could hit the bars solo.

The main advice I have for you is to lower your standards. Play to the average or below average looking women. Those ones are the ones that are most likely to be available for you.

SM, Felgen and I will all tell you the same thing: You must date women to get confidence with dating women. The reason you see guys that are so confident with women is because they've been with women before. Another thing to remember is that you are probably going to have to make this happen, like for instance, you'll have to message multiple women online if you choose to travel that route. Or try to talk to multiple women at parties/bars if you choose that route.

 

[Feathers]

Well, I think there are many single hot older women out there!!
(Okay maybe that sounds wrong??)
But there are many widows or divorced women etc. the older you get, the less men around!!
Some people 'hook up' or meet significant others in old people's homes, it's never too late??

hm, I'd still recommend to look for women you find attractive and feel 'drawn' to - don't aim for 'perfection' or 'Miss World' if that intimidates you (though you never know? a friend kept approaching women everyone thought were 'outta his league' and now he's married to a cute attractive young lady!!)
Just look for 'friendly conversation' first, and to get to know people? Then 'maybe more' if they might be interested??

Is there a theatre club/amateur theatricals or literature/poetry society or any cool non-profits or charities where you live? Maybe they would appreciate a volunteer camera man?? (Or to help out with other things?) And it might even lead to some paying gigs, some friendships or even some romance later maybe?

Or what are your interests? Where could you meet people/women?

 

[Littlewilly]

Well ta y'all anyway.
Message to Hoppy,Im from uk::

 

[kilojoule]

Joining a group is a great idea. You could definetly meet someone with common interests. Are you outdoorsy at all? Actually I think hill walking clubs and that sort of thing are a great place to meet new people and youll always have something to talk about. Hill walking.... whats it called....hiking! Thats what its called. And theres hills everywhere and clubs everywhere theres a hill. Try google to find your nearest one.Theyre everywhere, nearly Oh please dont say you live in Holland! Lol Please update

 

[theslowesthand]

I am 51 years old. I am heterosexual but I have never had sex with another person (FEMALE) never dated,relationship etc. I have never felt like a real human being. Emotionally everything is turned inwards & broken. I rarely go out now & I sometimes feel cut off from the world & don't know where to turn for help

I turn 4o this year, & you pretty much described me. I've always had a very low self-confidence/esteem, & along with my neuroses, prevented anything of such nature ever happening. And now i very rarely go out, am getting lonely & depressed a lot, and i simply feel that emotionally-wise i'm a "write-off". I didn't develop all that emotional stuff growing up, or after (i basically got "stuck" where i was from about 7 or 8 yrs old; my personality (or lack of) stayed exactly the same all throughout school, when everybody else's were changing). So with life, i've "lost the plot" now.
But i am going back to therapy soon, and who knows that may help a little. Have given up on trying to fix my problems by myself .. it seems certain problems just CANNOT be resolved by yourself (due in part to irrational beliefs stopping you from even considering many things?).
So i think therapy is the road you should go down.

Edit: Recently i considered the (remote?) possibility of trying to somehow find a woman which i could have a "casual" relationship with - basically, when i feel really down about life, i would go to her place, and we'd spend some time together, do various fun recreations, maybe have sex ... and either i'd sleep over, or return home after a few hours. That would give me a break from my "prison" at home (which i rarely am able to leave these days), lift my mood, provide some stimulation & fun, satisfy some of my basic human needs (eg for company & affection), etc. But i really have absolutely no idea on where to start. I guess i'll have to treat it like a long-term project, and work on it when i can, and maybe in a few years i could get something happening, i dunno.

 

[Littlewilly]

Joining a group is a great idea. You could definetly meet someone with common interests. Are you outdoorsy at all? Actually I think hill walking clubs and that sort of thing are a great place to meet new people and youll always have something to talk about. Hill walking.... whats it called....hiking! Thats what its called. And theres hills everywhere and clubs everywhere theres a hill. Try google to find your nearest one.Theyre everywhere, nearly Oh please dont say you live in Holland! Lol Please update

I live in the uk::

 

[Kiwong]

I'm 49 and I never been to Bali, and have no intention of going there.

 

[Etbow23]

I suppose I can't relate to people mainly because I am asexual and don't see the importance or understand the need for sex.

Okay, not to be a picky stick in the mud, but humans aren't asexual. If you choose to not have sex, you're celibate. Asexual organisms are organisms that reproduce by themselves, via binary fission, etc. Humans, in order to reproduce, need to join sperm & egg to form a zygote. Asexual refers to reproduction. If you don't desire/have sex, I think the right term is celibate.