Humiliated by male work colleague in front of women.

[Hero]

I'm in a bit of a confusing situation. This is why I never have male friends!

I spent the morning with an alright guy working in a temporary job letting people into an event. I pretended to be a bit geeky by gaining more sign-ins for him. He seemed to like me and we had a bit of banter.

Later during the day, I came back to the group of girls that were also working there. They seemed to like me, although I am a bit socially awkward sometimes. He was now with them, engrossing them with stories and making them laugh. Part of me was envious he could hold their attention, but it was no biggie.

Gradually, he began to turn on me. He took the mick out of what we joked about earlier, my weight (I'm skinny and he said what are you 18 years old? More like 18 ounces?) the fact my feet point in different directions, and much more. The girls were chuckling away. I was laughing at first with it, but then it got too much. At first, I thought I would try to joke back, but I began to over think and I could barely even move as his barrage was relentless. One of the girls said about me 'he'll probably be too scared to come tomorrow!' like I wasn't even there any more.

This guy clearly wants to the alpha male, and I feel like an idiot and a bit wary if tomorrow goes to Round 2. I want to stand my ground, not just stand around like the butt of jokes. People will think I'm not manly and over-sensitive for what could be just teasing. I can't win. :sad:

 

[Livemylife]

I'm in a bit of a confusing situation. This is why I never have male friends!

I spent the morning with an alright guy working in a temporary job letting people into an event. I pretended to be a bit geeky by gaining more sign-ins for him. He seemed to like me and we had a bit of banter.

Later during the day, I came back to the group of girls that were also working there. They seemed to like me, although I am a bit socially awkward sometimes. He was now with them, engrossing them with stories and making them laugh. Part of me was envious he could hold their attention, but it was no biggie.

Gradually, he began to turn on me. He took the mick out of what we joked about earlier, my weight (I'm skinny and he said what are you 18 years old? More like 18 ounces?) the fact my feet point in different directions, and much more. The girls were chuckling away. I was laughing at first with it, but then it got too much. At first, I thought I would try to joke back, but I began to over think and I could barely even move as his barrage was relentless. One of the girls said about me 'he'll probably be too scared to come tomorrow!' like I wasn't even there any more.

This guy clearly wants to the alpha male, and I feel like an idiot and a bit wary if tomorrow goes to Round 2. I want to stand my ground, not just stand around like the butt of jokes. People will think I'm not manly and over-sensitive for what could be just teasing. I can't win. :sad:

Hero, please believe me when I tell you that what happened to you was TERRIBLE. And it wasn't anything you deserved. That guy was so inconsiderate and disrespectful. He used you for his own gain--the gain being appearing social/cool to the women. It's crap like this that angers me and makes many of us socially anxious. The only solution, I think, is to make sure that this doesn't haunt you. Make sure that you do go back tomorrow (not that I'm saying that girl was right). As for the douchebag, I say keep pretending to be nice to him if you still have to work with him. Just keep being fake but don't disclose any personal details and if he tries to make comments about you, change the subject to him if possible.

 

[jc972]

That feller needs punched in his big mouth. He ain't perfect. Nobody is. Sounds like him and them girls are all losers. One does not point out others flaws to make himself look cool. Its just not right.

 

[Odo]

Aggh... I had a 'friend' like this as well.

I don't know why but some guys feel the need to be competitive over women. It's usually because they're insecure themselves.

There are ways to deal with this, but yeah, anxiety makes it hard. Definitely don't tell him anything more about yourself... just keep your distance and don't laugh along, because he's not funny. I'd like to think I would stand up to him but to be honest I would be more likely to just avoid those kinds of situations altogether... like wander off or something whenever they happened, no matter how weird it was to do that.

I have stood up to a 'friend' like this in the past... but that was because I knew his weaknesses too and it wasn't hard to embarrass him back. Plus, I really didn't care what the other people thought of me, and it was easy to cut him out of my life. It's not so easy when you're working in the same place together and have to see each other every day.

I've found that a lot of the time people just listen to/follow this kind of person because they're also intimidated... they're probably not really enjoying themselves either. Chances are they're just as disgusted as you but since everyone is 'new' (I think?), they're just being polite/still open to meeting people and haven't found their cliques yet.

 

[Xervello]

What a bunch of ****s. I'm sorry that happened to you. Still, if you go back, you just have to stand your ground. Show that you can be self-deprecating and take a joke (even though they all went too far) and fire back with one (if you're able) if he tries to do the same. If it gets too much though, maybe it's best to find somewhere else to be.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I'm in a bit of a confusing situation. This is why I never have male friends!

I spent the morning with an alright guy working in a temporary job letting people into an event. I pretended to be a bit geeky by gaining more sign-ins for him. He seemed to like me and we had a bit of banter.

Later during the day, I came back to the group of girls that were also working there. They seemed to like me, although I am a bit socially awkward sometimes. He was now with them, engrossing them with stories and making them laugh. Part of me was envious he could hold their attention, but it was no biggie.

Gradually, he began to turn on me. He took the mick out of what we joked about earlier, my weight (I'm skinny and he said what are you 18 years old? More like 18 ounces?) the fact my feet point in different directions, and much more. The girls were chuckling away. I was laughing at first with it, but then it got too much. At first, I thought I would try to joke back, but I began to over think and I could barely even move as his barrage was relentless. One of the girls said about me 'he'll probably be too scared to come tomorrow!' like I wasn't even there any more.

This guy clearly wants to the alpha male, and I feel like an idiot and a bit wary if tomorrow goes to Round 2. I want to stand my ground, not just stand around like the butt of jokes. People will think I'm not manly and over-sensitive for what could be just teasing. I can't win. :sad:

I've been in this situation to various degrees on a number of occasions. Usually the male friend in question will seem to be perfectly decent in any other situation until an attractive female appears, then there's the abrupt and drastic behavioral change. Afterwards they act like nothing happened.

On occasion the undermining/ridicule/bullying seems effective in impressing the girl (this is remembering from grade school). Other times the girl ignores it but still quietly enjoys the competition. Most often the girl seems unimpressed, but the attempt can sometimes still make both males in question look bad if you respond--though not responding might still make you look weak.

Blergh.

 

[Hero]

Thanks for you feedback I feel a bit better now that I don't feel like I'm just being a bit sensitive. It feels a bit like being at school again.

Xervello, when I get anxious my brain shuts down, so it's hard to fire back quips.

I thought one method I might try could simply say 'Hey is this pick on me day?' and see what response I get. I think I might just be friendly towards him, but not really make much effort with conversation with him.

I think if people see me laugh along with it, they'll see me as a mug (british slang) who just simply grins and puts up with this.

 

[dragons]

Ouch, I'm sorry that guy was so mean to you. I've had similar experiences ... for example, I was "friends" with this other girl a few years ago who would always make rude comments about my body/appearance in front of other people and I never even knew how to react. It seemed like actually she was just very insecure about herself, and felt the need to constantly criticize others. It sounds like this guy maybe has the same issue––he doesn't know how to gain confidence except to make jokes at other people's expense. I know it's hard but try not to take it too personally.

 

[R3K]

I thought one method I might try could simply say 'Hey is this pick on me day?' and see what response I get. I think I might just be friendly towards him, but not really make much effort with conversation with him.

you can't go in there with pre-planned lines, you have to think on your feet and fire those senseless quips back at him as the situation dictates. if you try to rehearse lines, it'll come out mechanical and they'll say: "you were up all night thinking that line up huh?" and that'll put you at like -10,000 points in the diss-war (war of disrespecting.)

you have to play their game and at least score some points against them and gain a little bit of respect, even though it feels like you're denigrating yourself to juvenile standards. if this happens somewhere else and you haven't ever tried to hold your ground u'll just get battered down yet again.

it's not for them, it's for you, stand your ground and fight the anxiety.

 

[worrywort]

agh, I can relate a lot to this story. Just so you know, out of all the people involved, I respect you the most.

My tactic in situations like this is usually honesty. If people say things that upset me, I try to make it known, gently at first. Just a "hey man, easy" or whatever. If it doesn't work I'll try to get more firmer, but I try not to lose my own morals or composure. If in doubt I think standing and taking the abuse is still more honourable than stooping to their level.

 

[Opaline]

Stories like this make me cringe. He's a very crappy person for sure, to put it mildly. I'm sorry.

 

[Jessquietgirl]

Why do people have to do that? That guy was a major douchebag that's for sure. He probably has a superiority complex.

 

[Bo592]

everything you said sound like pickupartest skills to me. Telling stories, getting a group of other girls together. He was trying to make you jealous so you would come after him to redeem yourself So he would get a date with you for sure. I could be wrong but your story sound real formally to when I was studying PUA skill online.

 

[Opaline]

everything you said sound like pickupartest skills to me. Telling stories, getting a group of other girls together. He was trying to make you jealous so you would come after him to redeem yourself So he would get a date with you for sure. I could be wrong but your story sound real formally to when I was studying PUA skill online.

The OP is a male.

 

[BlueDays]

Why do people have to do that? That guy was a major douchebag that's for sure. He probably has a superiority complex.

^Exactly, people who act like that just baffle me. And I don't get how any girl would be impressed by such a ***** like that either?mg:


lol, why is that edited!? lol h:

 

[Bo592]

The OP is a male.

Sorry , I did not read the thread carefully. It sound to me that the guy was using him to look more better and more important. Yeah, that was a dirty, mean and cowardly thing to do to him.

 

[Odo]

everything you said sound like pickupartest skills to me. Telling stories, getting a group of other girls together. He was trying to make you jealous so you would come after him to redeem yourself So he would get a date with you for sure. I could be wrong but your story sound real formally to when I was studying PUA skill online.

You know, it's funny you say this because my douchebag friend who was putting me down in front of women was studying 'human relationships' on some site or something and I think it might have been some kind of PUA thing... like 'eliminate the competition' or 'throw them off their game to make yourself look better'.

And actually, I think in a lot of cases this kind of thing works when you do it in combination with other things. I mean, the point of PUA is to target women with low self-esteem or issues in their life that you can exploit for sex, so it makes sense that they would find bullying appealing because they're already at least a little bit self-destructive and prone to inviting douchiness into their lives.

PUA is fundamentally creepy.

 

[Hellhound]

"Hey man, that's enough. You're exaggerating with your jokes. You aren't perfect, so stop talking as if it was me the only one who has flaws. Are you trying to put me down in front of the girls to look manlier or what?"

Use a serious tone, try to stare in his eyes. Nothing more pleasant to call someone on their BS in front of others.

 

[Motion5]

You are sensitive, which is why you won't call him out on his douchebaggery. But, the coolest thing is, you don't need to.

Your masculinity and strength doesn't need to be a contest with anyone. You have to reach those things from within otherwise the world and *****s like that guy define it and you for you. You don't need to give them that power.

As for women, there are plenty. You don't have to worry whether this one incident will make you lonely or unfulfilled in life. Your life will be long, there will be many more women and more opportunities to meet someone you may truly connect with.

The best thing you can do is NEVER hang out with this guy or near him. He will never be helpful in any way because HE needs a lot more help than you.

Focus on things in life that you have interest in, things that give you joy- those things should give you more meaning and a richer life than any relationship (i.e. Friendship or enemy) you ever have with this guy.

 

[Kiwong]

Sometimes showing off, even at the expense of others, is a common trait of people with poor social skills. I think you did OK, you reacted with class and dignity by not responding. It takes more guts to hold your nerve and not stoop to his level.