How would I accept being single forever?

[theslowesthand]

I guess i am in a slightly similar situation, and for sure are about as pessimistic as you.

The case with me is perhaps more complex, but here it is: I "flip" from being open to women possibilities ... to being dead-against. The "tricky" thing that happens it seems, is that when i'm open i maybe come across as desperate or sth (which repels them) ... and when i'm closed-off (& generally in bad mood/place), well, they don't stand a chance in hell (no matter WHO they are). So either they reject me, or i reject them, never in the "neutral" or "friendly" war-zone. That's how its always been, and unless i do some radically subconscious/beliefs-work (which i don't really want to do), i think that'll always be the case. It's kinda funny when i think about it.

So now, after almost 40 years of singledom, where i'm at with all this male-female stuff is that i am recognizing that it's really really messy, chaotic business (& i HATE chaos, disorder). I view it as an area of mine that is totally out-of-control, which still i don't understand adequately. I lust/etc after them fairly regularly, so thats attraction ... but on the other hand i FIGHT having anything in the real-world to do with them. And even if they are showing signs of attraction towards me (rare, but happens occasionally), i believe i am an absolute complete disaster at flirting/etc (which is based on my past experiences of ZERO success at getting even say a first date, or telephone number). So due to believing/knowing that, i don't even try. Not sure why. Maybe its that (if in my desperate/will-be-rejected state) i just can't be bothered with being frustrated (i just KNOW, like you, that i won't success at all with the flirty/small-talk/feelings/date-getting/etc, KNOW that they'll be repelled by my desperate-lonely-guy-vibe, etc, etc)

 

[A friend]

First of all, God is capable of doing anything.

I have yet to see proof of that, although I won't argue with it.

Second of all, having a 'lover' isn't everything.

Exactly, very true. But the issue appears to be more of a psychological problem apparently, as despite my best efforts to fight the desire...it just won't go away.

It's as if some part of my brain is forcing me to have that very desire, even though I've tried to remove it. So I'm trying another tactic to remove this from my mind.

And that's the purpose of this thread, to find out how I can accept my life as it is and put an end to this damn nightmare.

It causes a load of mess for tons of people.

"Mess" is putting it rather lightly. And speaking of that, it's been causing me pain and I haven't even entered the dating world yet!

An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please Him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife.

Can't he do both?

His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.

Can't she do both?

I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord the best, with as few distractions as possible.

I'm going to be occupied in a few weeks ahead with a busier work schedule, therefore I'll have possibly just as many distractions as you're hinting at.

XP

In short, it's better to stay single because you can spend more of your time doing things for Him rather than worrying about husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend junk.

Junk indeed, we both recognize the inconveniences it causes. If only all parts of my brain could understand that.

Better to focus on having close friends than a girlfriend or whatever.

Aye.

I really wish whatever's making me have the desire to have a lover would just understand this and leave me be.

Thanks for your input.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Hmmm... Stop thinking long term. Move that part of your life out of your mind, and just accept that you are single today, but don't try and predict whether you will be in 3, 5 or 10 years. If you want to be single at this moment, don't go and put yourself out at speed dating events or online dating sites, but keep it at that. As long as you aren't repelling people with the energy of being cynical about being single for the rest of your life, then there is the opportunity that something could just come up out of nowhere and introduce that part of life to you. Not needing to be in a relationship will also give you a confidence that is attractive, you won't care what you come off as to women. Sometimes it's when you don't care or are apathetic, that you are most natural and most attractive. No, i'm not thinking that you should predict that you will have a relationship either if you don't think so, just don't predict at all.

 

[Bouncingsouls12]

I wish I had some better advice that I could give you. There are days I wake up and feel the same way you do and then there are days I’m fine and enjoy being single. I think the best thing to do is to find a hobby or something you really enjoy doing to occupy your free time. Who knows you may meet someone through it and you will both have something in common. From my experience if you can’t be happy with yourself being single a relationship isn’t going to change much. It may be a temporary band aid, but it’s not going to change your thinking process either. Even now I sometimes think if I had a girlfriend things would be so much better, but then I think back to having one and how they really weren’t and at times they were even worse and more stressful. That being said it’s much better to take your time and find someone you are 100% sure about because you never know how much that person is going to change over time and what they will get you involved in.

 

[gummybear22]

I really wish whatever's making me have the desire to have a lover would just understand this and leave me be.

Yeah, I've looked up quite a lot on what part of the brain does all that mess, and so far it's one or two places, but they also do important stuff- though I don't remember what they are- so I couldn't just get rid of it without recking some needed things. Wish I could just take out the gunk bits and have the rest of my brain be just fine. I hate my life being in a hole when those thoughts come up.
Amazing how my brain won't listen to me alot of the time, no matter how hard I'm yelling at it to stop messing me up. It's like my mind has a mind of its own.

 

[Roman Legion]

I really wish whatever's making me have the desire to have a lover would just understand this and leave me be.

Yeah, I've looked up quite a lot on what part of the brain does all that mess, and so far it's one or two places, but they also do important stuff- though I don't remember what they are- so I couldn't just get rid of it without recking some needed things. Wish I could just take out the gunk bits and have the rest of my brain be just fine. I hate my life being in a hole when those thoughts come up.
Amazing how my brain won't listen to me alot of the time, no matter how hard I'm yelling at it to stop messing me up. It's like my mind has a mind of its own.

I remember in high school, I found I compensated for this by thinking like a Vulcan. I still do this often, but I'm a crude Vulcan at best.

 

[very_shy]

This is very upsetting at times, but you know, we can't alter the laws of reality just like that.

How true that is...

I am slowly accepting the same fact. And I am fine in maybe 80% of the time. I say to myself, I still have parents, so I will not be 100% alone since I live with them and have no plan to move away (why would I). My panic and shyness attack on the public transport when seating near girls have decreased. Since I look at women as men, and nothing special. Once everytime I looked at one girl, I thought how she would be my girlfriend. Now I am tired of this. I got a job, but no social life, have nothing to offer and my hobbies are basicaly playing game(s) on computer. Ok, I am fine with that. Case closed.

But sometimes, like now, I still feels like a bit of pain. I feel I am a good person, can make pople laugh, but this is not enough to reach the "next level of social interactions".

Last week I met my former highschool mate on the way home. Back then she had a boyfriend, then with another she had a baby. 10 years ago she had my phone number, since we went to lunch once (studying in the same town). So last week we chatted and we went each one in its own direction. About 10 min later by phone rang; I didn't have the number stored, and it was she. I normally do not exaggerate, but my the shock I received because of that call was monumental. She told me that she tried the number to see if it still works. And-she was interested where am I; and if I could wait her or come back there so we could walk together to home(town). I said that I am far away (i was about 500m), and maybe next time... :kickingmyself:

I know it is stupid to think of anything (she has a baby, she probably still has a boyfriend) but I just want to say that in 10 years of my life this was really a heart-breaking moment for me. I experienced that one girl not only phoned me but asked for a walk. I am now waiting me to calm down and to return to "normal". To wait for 2022.

 

[sullyS25]

How about trying to accept that you are single right now and forgetting about the forever part. You have absolutely no idea what will happen in the future and by saying you will be single forever, you are shutting off any possibility of making a connection with someone. Saying you will be single forever makes you powerless. Accepting you are single now and being open to making a connection in the future is much more liberating.

I detect a lot of self loathing in your post. Would you really even want a girlfriend right now if you could have one? Maybe working on growing psychologically will change your perspective and help you to accept that you havent had a girlfriend up until now BUT that doesnt predict your future. I think it would also help with learning that YES you are just as worthy of a partner as anyone else. Your perception of your situation is very extreme and blown WAY out of proportion.

 

[truffleshuffle]

But I have realized that (excuse me if this sounds grim) every single female human being on the face of this planet would rather die a very painful death than have anything to do with me when it comes to romance.

As much as I hate this I am starting to get to the point That this is my reality as well. Although unlike you I have not gotten past the point I get depressed about it. Maybe because I always think there is a little hope out there but slowly day by day that hope fades a little bit more each passing day:sad:.

 

[A friend]

How about trying to accept that you are single right now and forgetting about the forever part.

Thanks for that part of the advice. Though this will be difficult, I suppose accepting being single right now, and then forgetting both will be the most beneficial.

You have absolutely no idea what will happen in the future

Now this part, I strongly disagree with. I've managed to predict multiple outcomes of so many things in my life when it comes to these things of the sort, and rarely have these predictions been false (2% of the time, to be precise).

and by saying you will be single forever, you are shutting off any possibility of making a connection with someone.

How, exactly?

Saying you will be single forever makes you powerless.

Again, how? They're just words.
:\

Accepting you are single now and being open to making a connection in the future is much more liberating.

The connection only works if the other partcipates, and since when has any guy like me, or any guy on this forum or any forum like it had a girlfriend/wife?

Now, ignoring the bad things, is there any female human being out there that has any common interests with us? Has there been any man (like us) who even got anywhere close to that?

I detect a lot of self loathing in your post.

Again, I disagree with this. I don't loathe myself, the loathing your probably detecting is the female population's hatred for guys like me (without the negativity).

Would you really even want a girlfriend right now if you could have one?

When I get my head straight and my life figured out, perhaps I would. If the girlfriend was nice, that is.

Right now though, I'm not in a good psychological condition for that sort of thing.

Maybe working on growing psychologically will change your perspective

How can I do that?

and help you to accept that you havent had a girlfriend up until now

Accepting what happened in the past, that sounds like the easy part.

BUT that doesnt predict your future.

How and why is that the case?

I think it would also help with learning that YES you are just as worthy of a partner as anyone else.

The worthiness factor is relatively easy to understand, however, my opinion on myself and my attitude doesn't have any effect on how likable I am in a woman's eyes.

Your perception of your situation is very extreme and blown WAY out of proportion.

And why's that?

 

[gummybear22]

The connection only works if the other partcipates, and since when has any guy like me, or any guy on this forum or any forum like it had a girlfriend/wife?

Now, ignoring the bad things, is there any female human being out there that has any common interests with us? Has there been any man (like us) who even got anywhere close to that?

plenty of guys here have had a girlfriend wife. i don't know all of them though.
yes, there are plenty of girls with common interests with the guys on this forum and other guys with problems of whatever sort. and guys aren't the only ones with problems.
it makes no sense to think that guys with social phobia and stuff are so completely cut off from girls that nOne have had friend girls, girlfriends, wives. it seems like you wAnt to think that so you can get more pity. you need reality to take over your brain.

 

[MikeyC]

Now this part, I strongly disagree with. I've managed to predict multiple outcomes of so many things in my life when it comes to these things of the sort, and rarely have these predictions been false (2% of the time, to be precise).

Even if this is true, which I doubt...

The connection only works if the other partcipates, and since when has any guy like me, or any guy on this forum or any forum like it had a girlfriend/wife?

Now, ignoring the bad things, is there any female human being out there that has any common interests with us? Has there been any man (like us) who even got anywhere close to that?

Again, I disagree with this. I don't loathe myself, the loathing your probably detecting is the female population's hatred for guys like me (without the negativity).

The worthiness factor is relatively easy to understand, however, my opinion on myself and my attitude doesn't have any effect on how likable I am in a woman's eyes.

...these three quotes highlight how unrealistic and completely negative your views are. I've had a girlfriend in the past and I've had girls like me in the past, too. I've got a girl in Melbourne who may like me as I type.

You can't possibly know about what a woman is thinking about you, but you have these pre-conceived ideas that every woman hates you and loathes being around you that you're likely not even noticing when a woman genuinely does like you.

Right now though, I'm not in a good psychological condition for that sort of thing.

You got that right. Best to rid yourself of these unneeded and, well, incorrect thoughts, because they're certainly hindering you from female companionship.

 

[A friend]

...these three quotes highlight how unrealistic and completely negative your views are. I've had a girlfriend in the past and I've had girls like me in the past, too. I've got a girl in Melbourne who may like me as I type.

...I must live in a place where people are completely different from the rest of the world if you're right about this.

Best to rid yourself of these unneeded and, well, incorrect thoughts, because they're certainly hindering you from female companionship.

How can I do that, precisely? These thoughts I have are involuntary half the time. Is there some site that can help me with this?

 

[gummybear22]

you just need more interaction with people. good thing there are girls on this site, but you need real world interaction the most.

 

[JackOfSpades]

...I must live in a place where people are completely different from the rest of the world if you're right about this.



How can I do that, precisely? These thoughts I have are involuntary half the time. Is there some site that can help me with this?

CBT and a re-examination of how you view people and women. People aren't drawn to the negative and self loathing. So that is as good a place as any to start lest you stay a self fulfilling prophecy. You do not have it all figured out, as your posts suggest you believe. And that is another quality that is highly off putting to anyone I would hope would be interested in me.

 

[dean01]

i feel ile never have a relationship because i wouldnt put someone through the heart ache, i have bipolar with sa and body dysmorphia. i only have had the bipolar for three years but in that time ive relised i wouldnt wish to share the suffering with anybody.

 

[gummybear22]

i feel ile never have a relationship because i wouldnt put someone through the heart ache, i have bipolar with sa and body dysmorphia. i only have had the bipolar for three years but in that time ive relised i wouldnt wish to share the suffering with anybody.

what goes on in your body dysmorphia? i've never heard of it, and wikipedia is too long of an article. what i got from it was super obsessed with body image, and that causes stuff.

 

[JackOfSpades]

i feel ile never have a relationship because i wouldnt put someone through the heart ache, i have bipolar with sa and body dysmorphia. i only have had the bipolar for three years but in that time ive relised i wouldnt wish to share the suffering with anybody.

Many people have times when they feel unready to be in a relationship because of things going on in their life. Maybe you're there now. But that doesn't mean you can't make the progress necessary to feel ready later.

 

[dean01]

what goes on in your body dysmorphia? i've never heard of it, and wikipedia is too long of an article. what i got from it was super obsessed with body image, and that causes stuff.

its a personal subject my own body dysmorphia but it for me and others ive met its been all about skin, ile notice every imperfection which leads me to imagine things arent right . for example i once met a girl who shaved her face till she bleed because she thought she looked like a man.

 

[gummybear22]

so i guess she thought her face fuzz was too long. what do you mean imagine things aren't right?