How should I hit on my psychologist?
- Thread starter Arthur_Dent
- Start date
KiaKaha
Banned
I had a therapist take me out for coffee once and we chatted socially - to see what I was doing wrong socially....and how I came across.... then we role played and I had to pick her up - and I failed...as usual - no therapist role play sex for me that day.
I reckon shes got a thing for you. I mean if you were someone she didn't find remotely attractive I doubt she would offer the same *cough* "therapy.
I like the way she is realistic about the world too.
Go along with it - but just remember the ball is in her court - you don't want a law suit on your hands. If she grabs your butt during the role play I say plant one on her.
I reckon shes got a thing for you. I mean if you were someone she didn't find remotely attractive I doubt she would offer the same *cough* "therapy.
I like the way she is realistic about the world too.
Go along with it - but just remember the ball is in her court - you don't want a law suit on your hands. If she grabs your butt during the role play I say plant one on her.
Re: How should I flirt with my psychologist?
My bad. English is not my first language but I didn't chosen quite well my words there. But I don't quite get what do you mean by "getting a root".
Besides my overall attitude, which I have somewhat figured out thanks to the advice given (thanks by the way), I still feel lost about how to proceed exactly because I don't know in what context should I pretend to flirt with her; if I should approach her as a psychologist, or as if she was a complete stranger or someone from my university or something else. I think I'll have to make a plan for each scenario and ask her what was her idea.
My bad. English is not my first language but I didn't chosen quite well my words there. But I don't quite get what do you mean by "getting a root".
Besides my overall attitude, which I have somewhat figured out thanks to the advice given (thanks by the way), I still feel lost about how to proceed exactly because I don't know in what context should I pretend to flirt with her; if I should approach her as a psychologist, or as if she was a complete stranger or someone from my university or something else. I think I'll have to make a plan for each scenario and ask her what was her idea.
Re: How should I flirt with my psychologist?
She really should be more clear about explaining what she wants from you. That's why it seems to odd to me. I can understand the role-playing within a controlled context, but to leave you worrying over what she means and how to proceed just seems counter-productive to me. If I were you I would just approach it like any other therapy session and then say, "So, about this role-playing thing, how do you want me to go about this?"
She really should be more clear about explaining what she wants from you. That's why it seems to odd to me. I can understand the role-playing within a controlled context, but to leave you worrying over what she means and how to proceed just seems counter-productive to me. If I were you I would just approach it like any other therapy session and then say, "So, about this role-playing thing, how do you want me to go about this?"
Lamb
Well-known member
Re: How should I flirt with my psychologist?
Can't you just call and ask what specifically she wants? That'd be an awful lot of plans to make.
Can't you just call and ask what specifically she wants? That'd be an awful lot of plans to make.
Srijita52
Well-known member
Yeah, that's confusing. But since she hasn't said anything, maybe you can just approach her as your psychologist. I'm not an expert in flirting of course since I'm in the same place as you are but whatever you do try not be too hard on yourself. Think about what you like about her and try to do what comes naturally. Remember, its only because you can learn something from it.
Small smile (not a massive grin) All of this is you. Don't give her a chance to speak until you're done.
"We're always talking about me. When am I gonna find out a little something about you?"
pause even if it means interrupting her when she starts to speak.
"What do you do to let your hair down?"
small pause
"Or do you tie your hair up when you get all wild at the weekends? I bet when you hit the town you're like Shakira on catnip. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up. Maybe we should just keep it to a few drinks at first. See where it leads."
"I can do friday" stand up and start to move around to her side of the desk
"Are you doing anything friday? I'll meet you at the _____ bar about 8.30."As you perch on her side of the desk
"Right now I just want a little taste of what I'm gonna get" As you lean forward and guide her jaw to a kiss with the top of your index finger.
If she kisses you pick her up by the crease between the thigh and the buttocks and place her on the desk
If she doesn't kiss you or agree to go out "You did say to hit on you, right? As part of the therapy. So what did I get wrong?".
Orange is only if you don't mind finding a new therapist. lol
Freaking awesome dude, let out the crazy Latin Lover inside of you.:brindis:
Swagger mate, swagger.
I should write for Mills and Boon or the reader's letters section.
"We're always talking about me. When am I gonna find out a little something about you?"
pause even if it means interrupting her when she starts to speak.
"What do you do to let your hair down?"
small pause
"Or do you tie your hair up when you get all wild at the weekends? I bet when you hit the town you're like Shakira on catnip. I don't know if I'll be able to keep up. Maybe we should just keep it to a few drinks at first. See where it leads."
"I can do friday" stand up and start to move around to her side of the desk
"Are you doing anything friday? I'll meet you at the _____ bar about 8.30."As you perch on her side of the desk
"Right now I just want a little taste of what I'm gonna get" As you lean forward and guide her jaw to a kiss with the top of your index finger.
If she kisses you pick her up by the crease between the thigh and the buttocks and place her on the desk
If she doesn't kiss you or agree to go out "You did say to hit on you, right? As part of the therapy. So what did I get wrong?".
Orange is only if you don't mind finding a new therapist. lol
Freaking awesome dude, let out the crazy Latin Lover inside of you.:brindis:
Swagger mate, swagger.
I should write for Mills and Boon or the reader's letters section.
Last edited:
Falkor
1
I think it's indeed a little different, but I like it! Open-minded therapists are kind. But I do think she might just want to help you out on how to interact with ladies, not hitting on you 
But if it does, then you have made a very special affair. Which for some people might be odd, and according to the law very wrong, I think you should be flattered, But I am bizarre myself, I once fell in love with a teacher and Oh, I would definitely date with her if she asked me out back then. :')
But let's be not giving you the wrong idea..
My advice:
Just try to compliment her, smile, make eye contact, ask her questions what she wants and likes in a relationship, stuff like that. It's just a preparation with her, for the real deal..?? She wants to make you feel less nervous around women or more confident and social skilled to ask a woman out, just ask her out, tell her she's pretty, that you like to get to know her.. and let her speak about herself, is nice, to turn the table around in the therapy room, let's chat with the therapist her life xD.
I wish you good luck, I hope it wouldn't be too embarrassing! Know how that feels! Once a therapist told me I had beautiful eyes, and she was a big flirt/tease. So I know how it feels..>_<
But if it does, then you have made a very special affair. Which for some people might be odd, and according to the law very wrong, I think you should be flattered, But I am bizarre myself, I once fell in love with a teacher and Oh, I would definitely date with her if she asked me out back then. :')But let's be not giving you the wrong idea..
My advice:
Just try to compliment her, smile, make eye contact, ask her questions what she wants and likes in a relationship, stuff like that. It's just a preparation with her, for the real deal..?? She wants to make you feel less nervous around women or more confident and social skilled to ask a woman out, just ask her out, tell her she's pretty, that you like to get to know her.. and let her speak about herself, is nice, to turn the table around in the therapy room, let's chat with the therapist her life xD.
I wish you good luck, I hope it wouldn't be too embarrassing! Know how that feels! Once a therapist told me I had beautiful eyes, and she was a big flirt/tease. So I know how it feels..>_<
Last edited:
Aletheia
Well-known member
what do you think I should do?
Nothing.
If she's in the least bit professional, she'll have to turn you down: that boundary is there for a reason. And once she's turned you down, will you still feel comfortable seeing her in her professional capacity?
Shy people may be more prone than most to falling in love with their therapists, because they are one of the few people they've worked up a level of trust with
Nothing.
If she's in the least bit professional, she'll have to turn you down: that boundary is there for a reason. And once she's turned you down, will you still feel comfortable seeing her in her professional capacity?
Shy people may be more prone than most to falling in love with their therapists, because they are one of the few people they've worked up a level of trust with
I'm still a virgin and my psych didn't raped me, bummer
Sarcasm aside, this is what happened:
First she asked me how I've been and I mentioned that despite being mostly ok, I did had depressive episodes. she asked me if I've seen any psychiatrist (I have not), and if those episodes have affected my academic performance, I told her that they may make me do things at the last moment but I still get my good grades. She didn't asked more about it and moved on to the programmed exercise, so I guess she doesn't think is something to worry as long as it doesn't stop me from functioning, but I know I had my own part about forgetting to ask how to deal in the short term with depression and frustration.
For the exercise itself, I started asking her in what scenario was I supposed to flirt with her. She made things easier by laying out a scenario where we would pretend she was a random girl doing nothing in the college's library, and I would approach her with any excuse to start talking. It took me a couple minutes to muster the courage to start talking to her (pretending I was approaching a stranger of course, I do talk normally to her as a psychologist). I made up some dumb excuse about school paperwork,and she pretended to be receptive and responsive, while playing to be a freshman having difficulty with her physics class. At that point I feel I was getting stuck making the conversation too academic, and she made a random move (still in the role-playing context) by taking out her phone and saying her boyfriend was calling her. That instantly disconcerted me because I didn't had the slightest idea of how to react. She of course noticed, and told me that precisely she wanted to see my reaction. Then she told me to relax and keep pretending as if the phone thing didn't happened, but then she changed her character by making her less shy, and probably noticing that I was getting stuck, she asked me if I have or had a girlfriend. I answered that no, and she asked me why, to what I mentioned school keeping me busy, she asked if that was the only reason and there was the first time in the conversation I started to mumble because besides the school excuse I had nothing, not unless I would've mentioned my pathological fear to express interest in women, which of course would be a very dumb thing to do whether while pretending or in a eventual real case. Here she made a pause and told me that I should not say to woman I just met that I've never had a girlfriend, she didn't told me to lie either, just to say something vague like "I've had some friends here and there, but nothing really serious, I guess the right person hasn't come by yet".
Back to the role-playing, she asked me what kind of woman was I looking for. I said that an understanding one (later she said it was very good that Ididn't mentioned something physical, as that would've been a complete buzzkill), and she replied that she was a very understanding person. She asked me what else was I looking for and I can't really remember why, I got stuck again, may be thinking that anything I would mention would sound like if I'm asking too much (no self worth, feeling undeserving, all that crap). Again she made a pause and told me that it was ok, and that I need to pay attention to any time I mention I like something and the woman says that she fits that description or likes that as well, and that when such thing happens is the appropriate moment to make a move and ask the person out. Then she made a change and and wanted me to take more initiative, so this time I would be the one asking her what she was looking for on a man, and what I should do was to tell her that I was those things and compliment her. So I asked her and she told me that she was looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful man. I tried to say first that I fitted that description but started to mumble unsure what to do. She told me to start again and trying to make the talk about her, since I already and material to work with. Here I technically took out the best of me, and told her that she seemed to be a sensitive and thoughtful person herself, who deserved someone like the one she described, that I am a thoughtful and sensitive person as well, and for what she said she was looking for someone like her, the same way I'm looking for someone like me. Then I started mumbling again, once again clueless what to do next. She called it a day and told me I had listened well to her indications and I performed well making a fluid conversation in general. But I said technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.
However more than a couple times she had to call me upon my extremely tense body language, like holding my own hands and playing nervously with my fingers, or trying to hide my legs below my chair, things that I had to make an effort to control. Then she told me that for the next appointment, I will have to go all out and captivate her (in the role.playing, of course), and that this time she wouldn't make pauses to let me regain my grip or advice me, this time I will have to figure out how to keep it going myself. The interesting part, is that we will do the exercise twice. She will play a no receptive woman, nearly only giving yes or no answers, so the whole weight of the conversation will be over me. In the other scenario, she will play a very responsive and daring woman... and that her act will include putting her hand in my leg, grabbing my hand and putting her face close to mine. She pointed that at any point that would make me uncomfortable I must say it and she will stop (surely will make me nervous but no way I'll ask her to stop ), and also made clear that it won't me touching her because "this is not what this is about". When she was explaining this she did put her hand over mine and over my knee, and I instantly tensed. She said that I needed to let loose all that tension, so she showed me a couple relaxation exercises I need to practice daily. The idea is that I'll be cooler for next appointment, which will be in a month from now.
At some point, I forgot when, she asked me if then there wasn't anyone that was interested in me, I told her that no and she said "are you sure?", to which I answered that, well, as long as I knew it, no, nobody is interested in me right now, she said "ok" and moved on.
Something potentially very messy happened this same morning. My mom went to an appointment at the very same clinic that I was (nothing serious just checking a small allergy), just two hours earlier, and she told me that she almost got the 11:20 appointment. My appointment was scheduled at 11:30 and the psych saw me at 11:40. It's a small clinic and had my mom taken that appointment, it would had been very likely that she would see me. I guess sometimes I get a weird luck.
I will do the relaxation exercises. About how will approach her, my brain is fried at the moment, so I'll think later of that. I guess that's it.
Sarcasm aside, this is what happened:
First she asked me how I've been and I mentioned that despite being mostly ok, I did had depressive episodes. she asked me if I've seen any psychiatrist (I have not), and if those episodes have affected my academic performance, I told her that they may make me do things at the last moment but I still get my good grades. She didn't asked more about it and moved on to the programmed exercise, so I guess she doesn't think is something to worry as long as it doesn't stop me from functioning, but I know I had my own part about forgetting to ask how to deal in the short term with depression and frustration.
For the exercise itself, I started asking her in what scenario was I supposed to flirt with her. She made things easier by laying out a scenario where we would pretend she was a random girl doing nothing in the college's library, and I would approach her with any excuse to start talking. It took me a couple minutes to muster the courage to start talking to her (pretending I was approaching a stranger of course, I do talk normally to her as a psychologist). I made up some dumb excuse about school paperwork,and she pretended to be receptive and responsive, while playing to be a freshman having difficulty with her physics class. At that point I feel I was getting stuck making the conversation too academic, and she made a random move (still in the role-playing context) by taking out her phone and saying her boyfriend was calling her. That instantly disconcerted me because I didn't had the slightest idea of how to react. She of course noticed, and told me that precisely she wanted to see my reaction. Then she told me to relax and keep pretending as if the phone thing didn't happened, but then she changed her character by making her less shy, and probably noticing that I was getting stuck, she asked me if I have or had a girlfriend. I answered that no, and she asked me why, to what I mentioned school keeping me busy, she asked if that was the only reason and there was the first time in the conversation I started to mumble because besides the school excuse I had nothing, not unless I would've mentioned my pathological fear to express interest in women, which of course would be a very dumb thing to do whether while pretending or in a eventual real case. Here she made a pause and told me that I should not say to woman I just met that I've never had a girlfriend, she didn't told me to lie either, just to say something vague like "I've had some friends here and there, but nothing really serious, I guess the right person hasn't come by yet".
Back to the role-playing, she asked me what kind of woman was I looking for. I said that an understanding one (later she said it was very good that Ididn't mentioned something physical, as that would've been a complete buzzkill), and she replied that she was a very understanding person. She asked me what else was I looking for and I can't really remember why, I got stuck again, may be thinking that anything I would mention would sound like if I'm asking too much (no self worth, feeling undeserving, all that crap). Again she made a pause and told me that it was ok, and that I need to pay attention to any time I mention I like something and the woman says that she fits that description or likes that as well, and that when such thing happens is the appropriate moment to make a move and ask the person out. Then she made a change and and wanted me to take more initiative, so this time I would be the one asking her what she was looking for on a man, and what I should do was to tell her that I was those things and compliment her. So I asked her and she told me that she was looking for a sensitive, caring, thoughtful man. I tried to say first that I fitted that description but started to mumble unsure what to do. She told me to start again and trying to make the talk about her, since I already and material to work with. Here I technically took out the best of me, and told her that she seemed to be a sensitive and thoughtful person herself, who deserved someone like the one she described, that I am a thoughtful and sensitive person as well, and for what she said she was looking for someone like her, the same way I'm looking for someone like me. Then I started mumbling again, once again clueless what to do next. She called it a day and told me I had listened well to her indications and I performed well making a fluid conversation in general. But I said technically my best because well, I felt like an idiot talking to her like that, talking like if I knew her deply, I felt really phony and lame, like Johnny Bravo, but no funny.
However more than a couple times she had to call me upon my extremely tense body language, like holding my own hands and playing nervously with my fingers, or trying to hide my legs below my chair, things that I had to make an effort to control. Then she told me that for the next appointment, I will have to go all out and captivate her (in the role.playing, of course), and that this time she wouldn't make pauses to let me regain my grip or advice me, this time I will have to figure out how to keep it going myself. The interesting part, is that we will do the exercise twice. She will play a no receptive woman, nearly only giving yes or no answers, so the whole weight of the conversation will be over me. In the other scenario, she will play a very responsive and daring woman... and that her act will include putting her hand in my leg, grabbing my hand and putting her face close to mine. She pointed that at any point that would make me uncomfortable I must say it and she will stop (surely will make me nervous but no way I'll ask her to stop
), and also made clear that it won't me touching her because "this is not what this is about". When she was explaining this she did put her hand over mine and over my knee, and I instantly tensed. She said that I needed to let loose all that tension, so she showed me a couple relaxation exercises I need to practice daily. The idea is that I'll be cooler for next appointment, which will be in a month from now. At some point, I forgot when, she asked me if then there wasn't anyone that was interested in me, I told her that no and she said "are you sure?", to which I answered that, well, as long as I knew it, no, nobody is interested in me right now, she said "ok" and moved on.
Something potentially very messy happened this same morning. My mom went to an appointment at the very same clinic that I was (nothing serious just checking a small allergy), just two hours earlier, and she told me that she almost got the 11:20 appointment. My appointment was scheduled at 11:30 and the psych saw me at 11:40. It's a small clinic and had my mom taken that appointment, it would had been very likely that she would see me. I guess sometimes I get a weird luck.
I will do the relaxation exercises. About how will approach her, my brain is fried at the moment, so I'll think later of that. I guess that's it.
Lamb
Well-known member
Sorry it didn't work out in your favor Arthur_Dent.
Either way I think it's great she's going to be playing out two different scenarios. It's a good opportunity to practice interactions with the mysterious female gender. You tried your best, stumbled here and there but managed to get through it. That counts for a lot. :thumbup:
Now, go rest. lol
I'd feel mentally exhausted too.
Either way I think it's great she's going to be playing out two different scenarios. It's a good opportunity to practice interactions with the mysterious female gender. You tried your best, stumbled here and there but managed to get through it. That counts for a lot. :thumbup:
Now, go rest. lol
I'd feel mentally exhausted too.
So this is what happened yesterday (I've been so damned busy this week):
As I had predicted it, we didn't end up having time to do the role playing (sorry to kill you people out of disappointment). She asked me how I've been and I answered that awful, since the most of the last weeks I've been pretty much only shifting between overwhelming stress about school or overwhelming episodes of depression. She pointed out that more than depression sounded like melancholic episodes product of my cognitive distortions. I agree with her but in any case she told me that whenever I'm feeling like that, instead of just sit here letting the misery eat me up, I must distract myself with whatever activity, preferably by going outside. Seems pretty damn obvious but when I'm in that state I barely can think.
Exploring those cognitive distortions she asked me to tell her my qualities... and I got mute. I don't consider myself the worst thing around, but neither I see anything remarkable about me, just average; and I feel quite uncomfortable complimenting myself. Although when I achieve some things I'm capable of be proud of myself. It's hard for me to distinguish the line between modesty and self loathing. Trying to get over that I told her that I'm a good listener, responsible, and willing to help others. Then we discussed that if many different people keeps telling me that I am intelligent, that if I'm one of the very few who hasn't failed a course in my class and I'm doing great in what many people consider a very difficult career, I must accept that I'm an intelligent person, so I have to say "I am intelligent" instead of "people say I'm intelligent". She made the distinction that I'm intellectually intelligent, but I have a lot to do on my emotional intelligence (the way I see it I'm freaking retarded when it comes to that one). After telling her as well my defects (I emphasized my impatience), she also said that I need to improve my introspection, because if I only focus on the bad things, and of course that's wrong.
Then I told her how uncomfortable I had felt in the previous exercise at the end when I was the most flirty, and how I had felt very lame, fake, and manipulative. She got my point and explained me that I missed the part when she said that at that point we were pretending that we already knew each other for a while, as she agrees with me that going and complimenting someone you just knew as if you knew them deeply is plain lame and won't work for a thing. She made clear once again at when I just get to know someone I only have to be friendly and look out for common interests and experiences. Here she gave me my first assignment, which is to to read a chapter of a book about introspection and based on that make a more detailed analysis of myself. Along with that she also told me to look for a motivational quote or make one myself and repeat it to me 40 times each day for a week, and then use another quote. That way it's supposed to start breaking the negativity rooted in my mind.
Once again she asked me if there's any girl around who could be interested in me. After all the fuss made by some people I do see her insistence about the subject kinda dodgy, but I just said no and forgot to say that unless the girl would tell it directly to me, I simply won't realize. And then it got ugly... for me. She gave me a final assignment. She asked me if then there's any girl at my university who had called my attention, I told her that there are a couple, so her answer was that during at least a week, every day I have to approach two girls and greet them with a hi, a good morning or whatever, in the same way you greet a neighbour passing by (just to clarify they'd be all the time the same two girls). I knew an assignment like this will eventually come, and it absolutely terrifies me. A very important part of the process we're making is that I need to stop living in function of others and stop worrying so much about what would they think of me, and do things for myself, because I want to, without limiting myself so much by making assumptions about others. This seems even more evident because that's exactly why this assignment scares me so much.
I simply can't stop worrying about what would these girls think if a complete stranger (who they may or not have seen around, but I think that's irrelevant) approaches them and out of the blue greets them for no apparent reason. All I can think about is that they will find it very strange, assume an attitude of "wtf is up with this guy" and conclude that I'm trying to hit on them on a very clumsy and lame way. I'm aware of how I am jumping into conclusions here, but I'm incapable of imagining them reacting positively or indifferently to a complete stranger doing that (the psych warned me about the obvious possibility that neither of them could answer, but I do have to at least try). I get very nervous by just thinking about it, and the prospect of not trying and face the psychologist after that makes me quite nervous as well. As you can see, I can't think of the reasons of why I should do the assignment, but why other would want me to do it or not. I have three weeks to do this, so I think I will check first the book thing to see if it gives me any insight to clam myself. Finally, she told me "and remember that we still have pending the second role playing, you're not gonna save yourself from it".
As I had predicted it, we didn't end up having time to do the role playing (sorry to kill you people out of disappointment). She asked me how I've been and I answered that awful, since the most of the last weeks I've been pretty much only shifting between overwhelming stress about school or overwhelming episodes of depression. She pointed out that more than depression sounded like melancholic episodes product of my cognitive distortions. I agree with her but in any case she told me that whenever I'm feeling like that, instead of just sit here letting the misery eat me up, I must distract myself with whatever activity, preferably by going outside. Seems pretty damn obvious but when I'm in that state I barely can think.
Exploring those cognitive distortions she asked me to tell her my qualities... and I got mute. I don't consider myself the worst thing around, but neither I see anything remarkable about me, just average; and I feel quite uncomfortable complimenting myself. Although when I achieve some things I'm capable of be proud of myself. It's hard for me to distinguish the line between modesty and self loathing. Trying to get over that I told her that I'm a good listener, responsible, and willing to help others. Then we discussed that if many different people keeps telling me that I am intelligent, that if I'm one of the very few who hasn't failed a course in my class and I'm doing great in what many people consider a very difficult career, I must accept that I'm an intelligent person, so I have to say "I am intelligent" instead of "people say I'm intelligent". She made the distinction that I'm intellectually intelligent, but I have a lot to do on my emotional intelligence (the way I see it I'm freaking retarded when it comes to that one). After telling her as well my defects (I emphasized my impatience), she also said that I need to improve my introspection, because if I only focus on the bad things, and of course that's wrong.
Then I told her how uncomfortable I had felt in the previous exercise at the end when I was the most flirty, and how I had felt very lame, fake, and manipulative. She got my point and explained me that I missed the part when she said that at that point we were pretending that we already knew each other for a while, as she agrees with me that going and complimenting someone you just knew as if you knew them deeply is plain lame and won't work for a thing. She made clear once again at when I just get to know someone I only have to be friendly and look out for common interests and experiences. Here she gave me my first assignment, which is to to read a chapter of a book about introspection and based on that make a more detailed analysis of myself. Along with that she also told me to look for a motivational quote or make one myself and repeat it to me 40 times each day for a week, and then use another quote. That way it's supposed to start breaking the negativity rooted in my mind.
Once again she asked me if there's any girl around who could be interested in me. After all the fuss made by some people I do see her insistence about the subject kinda dodgy, but I just said no and forgot to say that unless the girl would tell it directly to me, I simply won't realize. And then it got ugly... for me. She gave me a final assignment. She asked me if then there's any girl at my university who had called my attention, I told her that there are a couple, so her answer was that during at least a week, every day I have to approach two girls and greet them with a hi, a good morning or whatever, in the same way you greet a neighbour passing by (just to clarify they'd be all the time the same two girls). I knew an assignment like this will eventually come, and it absolutely terrifies me. A very important part of the process we're making is that I need to stop living in function of others and stop worrying so much about what would they think of me, and do things for myself, because I want to, without limiting myself so much by making assumptions about others. This seems even more evident because that's exactly why this assignment scares me so much.
I simply can't stop worrying about what would these girls think if a complete stranger (who they may or not have seen around, but I think that's irrelevant) approaches them and out of the blue greets them for no apparent reason. All I can think about is that they will find it very strange, assume an attitude of "wtf is up with this guy" and conclude that I'm trying to hit on them on a very clumsy and lame way. I'm aware of how I am jumping into conclusions here, but I'm incapable of imagining them reacting positively or indifferently to a complete stranger doing that (the psych warned me about the obvious possibility that neither of them could answer, but I do have to at least try). I get very nervous by just thinking about it, and the prospect of not trying and face the psychologist after that makes me quite nervous as well. As you can see, I can't think of the reasons of why I should do the assignment, but why other would want me to do it or not. I have three weeks to do this, so I think I will check first the book thing to see if it gives me any insight to clam myself. Finally, she told me "and remember that we still have pending the second role playing, you're not gonna save yourself from it".
LazyHermitCrab
Well-known member
It's probably just an excercise but if it is uhh doesn't make 100% sense because then maybe one of her patients is a creepy stalker. It sounds exclusive maybe or not... i dunno! Update us what happens...
tonicobastos
Active member
I'm really looking forward to the next episodes of this thread.Haven't seen anyone give such a detailed description of their therapy sessions.:thumbup:
I'm also studying engineering but my academic performance plummeted when I started doing therapy and hasn't improved since I left.:kickingmyself:
Please don't forget to keep us informed about your nerve-whacking assignments.
I'm also studying engineering but my academic performance plummeted when I started doing therapy and hasn't improved since I left.:kickingmyself:
Please don't forget to keep us informed about your nerve-whacking assignments.
paintedblue
Well-known member
start with 'hey babee' and let it go from there haha jk, i'm not even any good at talking to girls either, but i think that eye contact is absolutely key. I have a similar experience to yours. My psychologist told me something very similar: I'm good looking, i dress well, i'm articulated so there should be no initial reason for girls to reject. My problem is confidence and my lack thereof. Eye contact I think is a cue which shows confidence. If you make eye contact and look away, you might be sending a message of low self confidence, and most women will not find that attractive. It's happened to me oh so many times; Nice girl catches my eye I look away:kickingmyself: Maintain that eye contact would be my advice
Yesterday I saw the psychologist again. There wasn't this time either a flirting role playing so if that's what you were hoping to read you can carry on with your things. :: She started asking me how I've been, specially since the academic load was being really hard for me the last time we saw each other. I told her it's been normal and bearable again, and then I told her how that first week since the last appointment I felt quite well, controlling better my emotions and not having melancholic episodes, but then after the moving that weekend I got distracted by the stress of it and stopped doing the part of telling myself several times a day a motivational line; the two following weeks were quite stressful since I was pending if I saw the girls at college, I barely saw them alone, and failing to do the assignment made me feel really bad about myself. She asked me if I've kept getting these melancholic episodes, I told her they have been less frequent, and as she asked me, I explained her that these episodes are usually triggered when either I see a girl talking about someone she likes, or when a guy finds someone without making any apparent effort, while I have to do it the hard way by approaching complete strangers. From this point she wanted to make a review of what we've been doing. She made clear that her purpose is not to change me and make me an extroverted outgoing person, she said that I do not need to change who I am, but I need to realize that my fears and cognitive distortions are not a part of me, and that I can be freely myself if I make my part and let her help me. She said as well that I need to expand my perspective about myself and see more than the bad things, while at the same time, stop focusing so much on others and comparing myself to them, also remembering me that she just want me to face my fears by saying hi to the girls, not to win them and get a girlfriend right away.
Among other things, when I mentioned once again how I have this two main thoughts that are screwing me for the post part: this two ideas, that I am aware are false, are that every single time I interact with a woman in any other context outside a formal one (like business, work, academic, bureaucracy...), she'll instantly assume that I'm hitting on her, and the second idea is that she won't like at all me hitting on her. As I said that I was clueless where did those thought exactly came from, she concluded (quiet well if you ask me) that when those classmates bothered me 18 years ago for having my female friend, there was where I got the idea that everyone will assume that just by talking to them I'm hitting on a girl; and my assumption that they won't like being approached by me comes from my low self esteem. She told me that to be honest, most women will entertain the thought that if a stranger approaches them it's quite likely that he did it with a romantic intention, and they may even overthink about it, but as I need to keep remembering, what others think should not be my main concern, and also most people do enjoy that sort of attention. Then she told me that with my height and overall looks I make an impact and cause a first good impression, but all that gets lost when I don't say a word and don't make eye contact. She also said many women will find the shyness and introversion attractive as long as I show confidence, not as a man that never fails or pretends to do so, but as a man that is not afraid of failing. She said that my intelligence, maturity and culture will be greatly appreciated, but I need to don't be afraid of be myself to show that, without showing off. She asked me about my academic performance, and told me that I can be as proud and confident of the rest of myself as I am as a student.
Continuing with the self analysis part, I said that although I see the point in the classical "if you want, you can", I wonder if the people who say that have actually ever faced a paralysing fear, I mean, is not like I'm making excuses, I do want to change, and I'd like to believe that I'm committed to it, but that quote seems simplistic to me, and yet I told her I was afraid she would thought I'm not committed enough and therefore wouldn't want to help me anymore. But she calmed me saying that she completely understands that changing it's not easy, and even if I don't see it I'm making progress, because although I didn't faced my fears directly yet, I am aware of what I have to do and I've been understanding the process. Here I remembered and told her that I actually was quite decided to talk to both girls at some point but unfortunately they had left by the moment I was about to do it, and explained her that I don't feel I can do it if there's a guy or more than two girls around them. She understood and told me that it's ok, she won't ask me to approach them in the middle of a crowd, and I can do it just when I feel comfortable about, just that I need to not stop to think that much or I'll keep wasting opportunities, and that we'll work later on how to do it without me minding so much not only the person I'm talking to but also the surrounding ones. She insisted that she wants me to be free, not to be a different person, and then instructed me to read more about the book and made the respective self analysis. Here I asked her, doubtfully and sort of mumbling about the role playing part, since I feel like doing it and have some ideas about how to make it, despite how nervous it makes me, and she told me that we can and we will do it some other time, but that without analysing and challenging my thoughts the role playing won't really go anywhere. We'll see each other in a month, I guess during Towel Day.
: She started asking me how I've been, specially since the academic load was being really hard for me the last time we saw each other. I told her it's been normal and bearable again, and then I told her how that first week since the last appointment I felt quite well, controlling better my emotions and not having melancholic episodes, but then after the moving that weekend I got distracted by the stress of it and stopped doing the part of telling myself several times a day a motivational line; the two following weeks were quite stressful since I was pending if I saw the girls at college, I barely saw them alone, and failing to do the assignment made me feel really bad about myself. She asked me if I've kept getting these melancholic episodes, I told her they have been less frequent, and as she asked me, I explained her that these episodes are usually triggered when either I see a girl talking about someone she likes, or when a guy finds someone without making any apparent effort, while I have to do it the hard way by approaching complete strangers. From this point she wanted to make a review of what we've been doing. She made clear that her purpose is not to change me and make me an extroverted outgoing person, she said that I do not need to change who I am, but I need to realize that my fears and cognitive distortions are not a part of me, and that I can be freely myself if I make my part and let her help me. She said as well that I need to expand my perspective about myself and see more than the bad things, while at the same time, stop focusing so much on others and comparing myself to them, also remembering me that she just want me to face my fears by saying hi to the girls, not to win them and get a girlfriend right away.Among other things, when I mentioned once again how I have this two main thoughts that are screwing me for the post part: this two ideas, that I am aware are false, are that every single time I interact with a woman in any other context outside a formal one (like business, work, academic, bureaucracy...), she'll instantly assume that I'm hitting on her, and the second idea is that she won't like at all me hitting on her. As I said that I was clueless where did those thought exactly came from, she concluded (quiet well if you ask me) that when those classmates bothered me 18 years ago for having my female friend, there was where I got the idea that everyone will assume that just by talking to them I'm hitting on a girl; and my assumption that they won't like being approached by me comes from my low self esteem. She told me that to be honest, most women will entertain the thought that if a stranger approaches them it's quite likely that he did it with a romantic intention, and they may even overthink about it, but as I need to keep remembering, what others think should not be my main concern, and also most people do enjoy that sort of attention. Then she told me that with my height and overall looks I make an impact and cause a first good impression, but all that gets lost when I don't say a word and don't make eye contact. She also said many women will find the shyness and introversion attractive as long as I show confidence, not as a man that never fails or pretends to do so, but as a man that is not afraid of failing. She said that my intelligence, maturity and culture will be greatly appreciated, but I need to don't be afraid of be myself to show that, without showing off. She asked me about my academic performance, and told me that I can be as proud and confident of the rest of myself as I am as a student.
Continuing with the self analysis part, I said that although I see the point in the classical "if you want, you can", I wonder if the people who say that have actually ever faced a paralysing fear, I mean, is not like I'm making excuses, I do want to change, and I'd like to believe that I'm committed to it, but that quote seems simplistic to me, and yet I told her I was afraid she would thought I'm not committed enough and therefore wouldn't want to help me anymore. But she calmed me saying that she completely understands that changing it's not easy, and even if I don't see it I'm making progress, because although I didn't faced my fears directly yet, I am aware of what I have to do and I've been understanding the process. Here I remembered and told her that I actually was quite decided to talk to both girls at some point but unfortunately they had left by the moment I was about to do it, and explained her that I don't feel I can do it if there's a guy or more than two girls around them. She understood and told me that it's ok, she won't ask me to approach them in the middle of a crowd, and I can do it just when I feel comfortable about, just that I need to not stop to think that much or I'll keep wasting opportunities, and that we'll work later on how to do it without me minding so much not only the person I'm talking to but also the surrounding ones. She insisted that she wants me to be free, not to be a different person, and then instructed me to read more about the book and made the respective self analysis. Here I asked her, doubtfully and sort of mumbling about the role playing part, since I feel like doing it and have some ideas about how to make it, despite how nervous it makes me, and she told me that we can and we will do it some other time, but that without analysing and challenging my thoughts the role playing won't really go anywhere. We'll see each other in a month, I guess during Towel Day.
Last edited:
Today I finally talked with one of the girls. It was actually the one I'd thought I'll have less chances to because she's usually with more people around her than the other one. I was walking towards the library hoping to find a free table where to sit and work with my laptop when I saw her sit on a nearby chair working on some sort of small structure. She was alone; yet I couldn't get myself to talk to her, she was leaning to the ground focused on her project and I didn't want to interrupt her, so I just kept walking towards the library feeling like a loser and a failure.
It turned out there weren't tables available at the library (it's a small one), so I stepped outside the door, wondering where should I go then. She still was there, working on her project. I had the option of going to another building without passing next to her. But I guess seeing her alone, despite being busy, motivated me to cut the crap, stop thinking and go there. Well it wasn't a mindless act, I turned off my phone to pretend it had ran out of battery and that I coincidentally noticed it right when I was walking next to her. and this is what happened:
She was again leaning to the ground checking her structure thingy, so she wasn't actually in the best position to talk with someone who were walking by; I had to lean weirdly, and I said something like "Excuse me, would you know what time is it?". She having her head close to the ground, and me being tall, despite I was leaning towards her, made me think she hand't hear me because for what seemed like an eternity (and were actually less than two seconds) she didn't react. Then she sit still leaning towards her left and looked at me but not directly to my face. I felt I had to said something and my turned off phone in my hand I mumbled "this thing's battery died", which I don't know if she even understood because the volume and the vocalization when I was saying that dropped dramatically as I said it. There she started reaching for her phone, which was precisely where she was leaning towards so it took her about five even more eternal seconds to get, while none of us said anything at all, I think all that time I was looking at the ground and then at her phone, I wasn't capable of making eye contact during that awkward silence. After that torture she read the hour, looked at me and said "12:56 pm". While she said that I was capable of maintaining eye contact, and then I told her "thank you very much", still looking at her and I think I kinda said that smiling. Then I walked away, thinking "well now you can't said that I didn't at least try, is everyone happy now?". Some meters away I felt a burst of adrenaline striking my body from my hearth, it felt like if my body had been holding the breath during the whole thing.
Then I remembered what others had told me. I realized that being so nervous I really can't stop to see if I'm smiling, or being spontaneous, or being myself, or just going with the flow or ANY OF THAT BULL**** (sorry I know your advices are well intended). I'm just too damn anxious to think of what am I doing, I can barely function and I don't even know how I did it. And no, it wasn't fun AT ALL. I don't feel it's going to be easier next time, because I doubt there will be a next time; doing things this way I mean. The impression that I got is that she realized it was all an very lame staged act to try to talk with her. I don't think it actually bothered, but she wasn't thrilled either, to me her attitude all along was "oh, ok", just surprised and nothing else. Which yes, isn't a bad thing itself, but not a good one either. I don't feel any motivation to talk again with this girl, and not feeling particularly motivated either to talk with the other one. Right now I'm seeing the whole thing as pointless because even if I was somehow capable of facing my fears, the reason behind those fears it's till there, and being extremely powerful. I still can't stop thinking of what will others think of me, as you can see I still have my self esteem in the gutter, and I think that I can try to talk that way with any amount of girls, just to feel the same way afterwards because my worries will still be there unless I change my mindset first, something I'm quite clueless about how to do it. Actually the original idea was to just say hi to the girls. I thought asking for the hour would make it less random. I still think it's a good idea, but unfortunately nothing will really work since I'm still obsessed whit what would they think of me, which I can never imagine as being something good. Although I have the slight impression that one of the girls has noticed that I glance at her and she doesn't seem bothered by it, but all the opposite. But that doesn't mean much to me since I've been wrong about making those conclusions before.
I really don't know what to do next. if anything I feel that after today I've giving up on approaching complete strangers until I talk again with the psych.
It turned out there weren't tables available at the library (it's a small one), so I stepped outside the door, wondering where should I go then. She still was there, working on her project. I had the option of going to another building without passing next to her. But I guess seeing her alone, despite being busy, motivated me to cut the crap, stop thinking and go there. Well it wasn't a mindless act, I turned off my phone to pretend it had ran out of battery and that I coincidentally noticed it right when I was walking next to her. and this is what happened:
She was again leaning to the ground checking her structure thingy, so she wasn't actually in the best position to talk with someone who were walking by; I had to lean weirdly, and I said something like "Excuse me, would you know what time is it?". She having her head close to the ground, and me being tall, despite I was leaning towards her, made me think she hand't hear me because for what seemed like an eternity (and were actually less than two seconds) she didn't react. Then she sit still leaning towards her left and looked at me but not directly to my face. I felt I had to said something and my turned off phone in my hand I mumbled "this thing's battery died", which I don't know if she even understood because the volume and the vocalization when I was saying that dropped dramatically as I said it. There she started reaching for her phone, which was precisely where she was leaning towards so it took her about five even more eternal seconds to get, while none of us said anything at all, I think all that time I was looking at the ground and then at her phone, I wasn't capable of making eye contact during that awkward silence. After that torture she read the hour, looked at me and said "12:56 pm". While she said that I was capable of maintaining eye contact, and then I told her "thank you very much", still looking at her and I think I kinda said that smiling. Then I walked away, thinking "well now you can't said that I didn't at least try, is everyone happy now?". Some meters away I felt a burst of adrenaline striking my body from my hearth, it felt like if my body had been holding the breath during the whole thing.
Then I remembered what others had told me. I realized that being so nervous I really can't stop to see if I'm smiling, or being spontaneous, or being myself, or just going with the flow or ANY OF THAT BULL**** (sorry I know your advices are well intended). I'm just too damn anxious to think of what am I doing, I can barely function and I don't even know how I did it. And no, it wasn't fun AT ALL. I don't feel it's going to be easier next time, because I doubt there will be a next time; doing things this way I mean. The impression that I got is that she realized it was all an very lame staged act to try to talk with her. I don't think it actually bothered, but she wasn't thrilled either, to me her attitude all along was "oh, ok", just surprised and nothing else. Which yes, isn't a bad thing itself, but not a good one either. I don't feel any motivation to talk again with this girl, and not feeling particularly motivated either to talk with the other one. Right now I'm seeing the whole thing as pointless because even if I was somehow capable of facing my fears, the reason behind those fears it's till there, and being extremely powerful. I still can't stop thinking of what will others think of me, as you can see I still have my self esteem in the gutter, and I think that I can try to talk that way with any amount of girls, just to feel the same way afterwards because my worries will still be there unless I change my mindset first, something I'm quite clueless about how to do it. Actually the original idea was to just say hi to the girls. I thought asking for the hour would make it less random. I still think it's a good idea, but unfortunately nothing will really work since I'm still obsessed whit what would they think of me, which I can never imagine as being something good. Although I have the slight impression that one of the girls has noticed that I glance at her and she doesn't seem bothered by it, but all the opposite. But that doesn't mean much to me since I've been wrong about making those conclusions before.
I really don't know what to do next. if anything I feel that after today I've giving up on approaching complete strangers until I talk again with the psych.