How should I hit on my psychologist?
- Thread starter Arthur_Dent
- Start date
The problem is not finding something to talk about. Because of my fears, approaching her and start talking about her project makes no difference to go and start talking to her admitting that I'm just doing it for the sake of it. In my head I still can't stop thinking that approaching a complete stranger will instantly make her think that I'm trying to hit on her, and in a very lame and clumsy way because I don't even have the decency of doing it directly and flirt but looking for some dumb excuse to talk to her. Plus with my low self esteem I don't think she would like me anyway. People can compliment me and say anything good they want about me, but I keep seeing that all that worth nothing, because nobody wants to deal with an emotional mess if they don't already know the person first, if the first thing they see is the mess they'll most very likely will be put off by it. You can say "oh but there's understanding people out there". Well welcome to the real world, this not internet where you can choose and think what you're going to say, this is not a supportive community where people are expecting to talk with others. In person most people won't feel attracted to someone who can't manage to talk properly and just mumble, and has little to offer besides awkward silences. I doesn't matter a flying feck how good I could be because I'm incapable of show how I am. And I won't go around approaching every girl until I happen to found the one who also has social anxiety and understands me but at the same time won't feel infected by my own anxiety and go away.
So before I get all this crap out of my head, I don't want to approach anybody else, and don't see the point in trying anyway.
Kiwong
Well-known member
You could've have asked about the structure she was working on. The difference being the result, she might've wanted to talk about it.
That's a lot of pain to go through to ask someone the time.
It brought back memories of college, when I went through the same mortifying fear of talking to girls. I never did in the end, but I went through torture thinking about it, and it has royally stuffed my mind, so much so I don't enjoy talking to anyone.
Everyone now thinks I am hitting on them. That's my anxiety, that's my mental illness. Hope you at least get better at talking to people.
That's a lot of pain to go through to ask someone the time.
It brought back memories of college, when I went through the same mortifying fear of talking to girls. I never did in the end, but I went through torture thinking about it, and it has royally stuffed my mind, so much so I don't enjoy talking to anyone.
Everyone now thinks I am hitting on them. That's my anxiety, that's my mental illness. Hope you at least get better at talking to people.
You know, I had an appointment more than a week ago, but I wasn't fully focused so I left out a lot of the things that have been bothering me. Since then I just couldn't find the motivation to write about it in detail. Basically I still have the same fears and she told me to act despite them. It basically only worked out for me to feel very frustrated and mad to myself for being such a wuss. I just don't feel capable to approach a complete, total and absolute stranger, I feel I'm stuck in the worst possible situation fir my problem, and don't have the slightest palliative. I've checked, there are simply not any groups of my interest in my country where I could met people. I feel I reached a stalemate, and I don't know what's going to happen, I don't have any optimism and I think when my therapist sees this attitude when will give up on me because I don't have the will to do my part and help myself.
It seems to me that everyone here likes go drinking and clubbing. And the few nerds that are around seem to be only into anime and role playing games, and none of those are my thing. There's my university's exchange program, which-is how I hope to get a job abroad after school. But if I don't know somebody there I don't see it happening after that, and the prospect of just sit and wait to get lucky like some guy I know, until I'm on my late 20s, it really really sucks, including that I never get lucky. So I realize how screwed I am unless I beat my fears, but what can I do, I DON'T feel capable. It really frutrates me being in this situation.
It seems to me that everyone here likes go drinking and clubbing. And the few nerds that are around seem to be only into anime and role playing games, and none of those are my thing. There's my university's exchange program, which-is how I hope to get a job abroad after school. But if I don't know somebody there I don't see it happening after that, and the prospect of just sit and wait to get lucky like some guy I know, until I'm on my late 20s, it really really sucks, including that I never get lucky. So I realize how screwed I am unless I beat my fears, but what can I do, I DON'T feel capable. It really frutrates me being in this situation.
Last Friday I had a new appointment with the psychologist. First she asked me about school, and when I said I passed all my courses she told me she knew I was going to make it even if I had trouble with one class. Then she asked me for one of the assignments I had which was having my life plan for the next 5 years. I told her which is basically finishing school, hopefully studying abroad and definitely moving abroad after school, she asked me if by then I saw myself with someone, I told her I see two scenarios, being indeed with someone or being bitter and alone, all depending if I'm able to overcome my issues right now or not. Then she made a weird question, she asked me if I saw myself having kids, I told her that not at all, so she asked me "ok, picture this: you just finished your studies, have had a girlfriend for six months, and she tells you she's 4 moths pregnant, what would you do?" I told her I would make my best effort to be a good father if that ever happens. She answered "what if she's not four but only two months pregnant, would you consider an abortion?" I said that no, because for me outside the three cases allowed by the law here (health risk for the mom, health problem for the baby that wouldn't let him live and rape), I think that having an abortion just because someone doesn't feel like to raining a kid it's running away from a responsibility, even if it was because contraceptive failure, yet I believe that the final decision belongs to the mother, even if I'd disagree.
She didn't said more about it, and told me that as I has just seen, I'm quite capable of having a conversation with a woman and act pretty sure of myself. After that she told me that she had been thinking about me, specially that morning before the appointment, of how smart I am, and asked me if I thought that I'm smart, I doubted it a couple seconds and said yes, she answered "good, now you're accepting it". She asked me if I had any business ideas that involved my career, and I told her this silly idea I've had.It goes like this; there are these programs to make digital sculptures, and my brother, like myself, is a big fan of dinosaurs. We always notice how flawed usually are dinosaur toys, so I was thinking, my brother can use this software to create his anatomically correct sculptures of dinosaurs. And then I can take that file and transfer it to the university's 3D printer, either as a prototype or a mould, and with that try to start a tiny business of toys.
Here she made clear that she was thinking earlier about how smart I am because she was with a couple patients that weren't particularly brilliant but were making big money after using ideas others had gave them, and she didn't wanted that to happen to me. She told me to write for her a formal business proposal, so I would have something to focus on and feel good about. Moving on from that, she insisted again on how much of a good catch I am and even told me that she would like to be my wingman except that since he's a girl then other girls may tough I'm with her and wouldn't pay that much attention to me <_<, also said "or there are a couple patients of mine that I'd introduce you to but they still need work on their own". I don't think that's even allowed, but I doubt was being serious there anyway. Then she gave me another reading to check, and she even mentioned this local saying of "girls like to rehabilitate hobos" which is about girls who like ****s, her point was emphasizing that I'm a good catch.
To finish, I told her that I had been beating myself up for not having talked with anyone else, and she told me to be cool about it, that she understood that I was still too anxious and insecure about it and needed first more work on myself. That relieved me a lot.
She didn't said more about it, and told me that as I has just seen, I'm quite capable of having a conversation with a woman and act pretty sure of myself. After that she told me that she had been thinking about me, specially that morning before the appointment, of how smart I am, and asked me if I thought that I'm smart, I doubted it a couple seconds and said yes, she answered "good, now you're accepting it". She asked me if I had any business ideas that involved my career, and I told her this silly idea I've had.It goes like this; there are these programs to make digital sculptures, and my brother, like myself, is a big fan of dinosaurs. We always notice how flawed usually are dinosaur toys, so I was thinking, my brother can use this software to create his anatomically correct sculptures of dinosaurs. And then I can take that file and transfer it to the university's 3D printer, either as a prototype or a mould, and with that try to start a tiny business of toys.
Here she made clear that she was thinking earlier about how smart I am because she was with a couple patients that weren't particularly brilliant but were making big money after using ideas others had gave them, and she didn't wanted that to happen to me. She told me to write for her a formal business proposal, so I would have something to focus on and feel good about. Moving on from that, she insisted again on how much of a good catch I am and even told me that she would like to be my wingman except that since he's a girl then other girls may tough I'm with her and wouldn't pay that much attention to me <_<, also said "or there are a couple patients of mine that I'd introduce you to but they still need work on their own". I don't think that's even allowed, but I doubt was being serious there anyway. Then she gave me another reading to check, and she even mentioned this local saying of "girls like to rehabilitate hobos" which is about girls who like ****s, her point was emphasizing that I'm a good catch.
To finish, I told her that I had been beating myself up for not having talked with anyone else, and she told me to be cool about it, that she understood that I was still too anxious and insecure about it and needed first more work on myself. That relieved me a lot.
Odo
Banned
To be honest, she doesn't sound like a particularly good psychologist. Instead of feeding you a bunch of empty affirmations, she should be teaching you how to make yourself feel better about yourself, or at the very least helping you to face up to reality. You do deserve to have the same things that everyone else has, but trying to make you feel better than other people is just setting you up for failure. You don't have to be better than other people in order to feel good about yourself.
And seriously, is it such a major accomplishment in your life to be better than idiots and hobos? The whole idea of making comparisons is so wrongheaded I don't even know where to begin. If you were in a classroom and your teacher started talking about how smart you were, how do you think the other students would feel? That's why you don't do it! And if you're comparing yourself to people who are worse off than you are to make yourself feel better, is it also fair for people who have everything you want to use you to make themselves feel better? You'll do a lot better if you focus on feeling better about yourself and what you want and stop trying to 'win' or compete with everyone else... I have this problem myself but at least I know enough to stop when I catch myself doing it (most of the time).
Oh, and every single time someone gives you the 'I'm sure you'll find someone someday...' schtick, it usually comes with the implication '...but it's not going to be me'. Just a heads up. This person seriously seems to think that her job is to be a girl. You're paying her to put you in the friendzone! I would consider switching.
And seriously, is it such a major accomplishment in your life to be better than idiots and hobos? The whole idea of making comparisons is so wrongheaded I don't even know where to begin. If you were in a classroom and your teacher started talking about how smart you were, how do you think the other students would feel? That's why you don't do it! And if you're comparing yourself to people who are worse off than you are to make yourself feel better, is it also fair for people who have everything you want to use you to make themselves feel better? You'll do a lot better if you focus on feeling better about yourself and what you want and stop trying to 'win' or compete with everyone else... I have this problem myself but at least I know enough to stop when I catch myself doing it (most of the time).
Oh, and every single time someone gives you the 'I'm sure you'll find someone someday...' schtick, it usually comes with the implication '...but it's not going to be me'. Just a heads up. This person seriously seems to think that her job is to be a girl. You're paying her to put you in the friendzone! I would consider switching.
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Well I would lime to know your ideas about how should I feel better about myself. She's not really comparing myself to others. She's not telling me that I'm smarter than x or y, just telling me to be aware of my intelligence and that it's a good thing, that I should feel good about it, without any need to brag. About idiots and hobos... she wasn't saying that the other people who were making business were idiots, she said they were smart enough to see the business in someone else's idea, she was just telling me to make good use of my creativity. And I used the word hobo for lack of a better one, it's a local saying in my country and the word that uses (gamín) means both a hobo and someone inconsiderate and rude. And she has told me as well to stop comparing myself to others, and never has given me that "I'm sure you'll find someone someday...". And well, paying her to put me in the friednzone, was I supposed to pay her to be my girlfriend then?
________
Side note, seriosly?, the word j-e-r-k gets censored? are we PG-0 now or what
This time I had my appointment right on time since instead of having another patient before me the psychologist came back from lunch. She started by asking me what I've been up to, and she was glad to know my graduation project is keeping me busy so I don't just stay idle at home. Then she asked me about my main assignment, which was the formal business proposal. I explained her that I didn't do it it since after the initial research, first, I found out that to work with plastics there doesn't seem to be a middle ground between big industrial machinery and amounts of material, and the ridiculously small amounts managed by a hobby purposed apparatus, that merely can work to make pieces of the size of a button; and second, my lack of experience on industrial matters, since I haven't had a real engineering job, things that ended up discouraging me and making me consider my idea as not something worth looking much into. She pointed out that I had given up on defeatist and immobilizing thoughts, but also told me a couple things to motivate me to follow up my idea. She mentioned some government programs aimed at the aid of entrepreneurs, where if well sold, they may link my idea with the appropriate businessmen and industries to carry it on. She also gave me a real example of someone who made a successful enterprise without business experience or formation, and encouraged me to look out on the aid programs and making the business proposal.
Next she asked me about the assigned reading, which was basically a chapter of a book that examined how the western concept of love it's a limited one and the Greeks had two more appropriate words for it; Eros for the passion and physical attraction, and Agape for the intellectual attraction, the affection and companionship. The reading explained how many relationships that start because of the eros end up failing because of the lack of agape. The psych told me that in general lines most men are more interested in the former, specially when they're young, while most women are more focused in the later. She asked me about the attitudes I perceived from my classmates, and I told her how I actually have never heard them mentioning a woman for something like an accomplishment or a talent, but only because and about her looks. She told me that women are aware of this and how they dislike it very much, then asking me which qualities of an "ideal" guy who would represent both aspects of love to her partner I would have. With some hesitation, since I still don't feel comfortable saying good things about myself, I said that I'm in no position of rouse any passion since I can't even get myself noticed in the first place, but that I can be a good listener, show empathy and be supportive. There she decided to have a look at that by setting up a quick role playing where she would be a hurt woman telling me why she was crying; she made up a little story about a woman who was planning to move with her boyfriend of two years, but right before that he admitted that while he was away doing his internship as medicine student he had cheated on her because he felt alone, but that she still had feelings for him and didn't knew if go ahead with the moving or not. I told her that I wouldn't be telling her what to do, but to consider that as a doctor he'll probably be very busy and spend more time with his coworkers than with her, so he wasn't unlikely of "feeling alone" again. She asked me what I thought of cheating and I answered what I've always thought, that if someone can't just stop and realize he had a very strong to be with someone else, so instead of talking that out with their partner they give up and cheat, that means that two key elements on a relationship like commitment and trust are gone, and pretty much same thing for the relationship. Here she said "There you go, you know how men think, you did listened well and showed that you care, and although you tend assume the worst case scenario when it comes about yourself, you aren't clueless about how women in general think", and told me that many of her patients and friends complain how they can't find a men who personality wise, would be me.
Once again she emphasized that once I make an initial approach, and manage to start a conversation, the girl will be the one most likely leading it and I'll have to do little more than listen to her. But knowing that I'm on vacation time and not being around many people she said that by now she wanted to give me a little assignment to see how I feel about my loneliness beyond the feeling bad at home. So she told me to go and watch a movie in a theatre by myself, during a weekend where it's more crowded so it would make me more anxious, and she wants me to pay attention to how do I feel in that environment where the rest of the people is there with company, and what thoughts came in. From the options I have I think I would like to see Pacific Rim since the tumblr nerds loved it, and I do like the movies of Guillermo del Toro, although I'm not sure if it'll be on screen by this weekend. While she was printing my referral for the next appointment I told her how I'm worried that once I get a job, and how I'll start studying too shortly afterwards, I won't have time to do almost nothing except on weekends where I'll be exhausted and with homework anyway, not to mention how engineering it's a male dominated field, so I'm feeling hopeless about meeting women even if I wasn't anxious about approaching them. She reminded me that most people are pretty busy professionally, and yet they have time for a relationship, that there still will be female students at college and every enterprise has female employees even if it's an industry, and I would be able to at least have female friends who would have their own female friends who I could eventually meet, but most important, I just can't know how it would be so I can't be hopeless, not that I raise expectations, simply to wait and see what would happen by then. She told me to see her again on a month or less once I had made my assignments.
Next she asked me about the assigned reading, which was basically a chapter of a book that examined how the western concept of love it's a limited one and the Greeks had two more appropriate words for it; Eros for the passion and physical attraction, and Agape for the intellectual attraction, the affection and companionship. The reading explained how many relationships that start because of the eros end up failing because of the lack of agape. The psych told me that in general lines most men are more interested in the former, specially when they're young, while most women are more focused in the later. She asked me about the attitudes I perceived from my classmates, and I told her how I actually have never heard them mentioning a woman for something like an accomplishment or a talent, but only because and about her looks. She told me that women are aware of this and how they dislike it very much, then asking me which qualities of an "ideal" guy who would represent both aspects of love to her partner I would have. With some hesitation, since I still don't feel comfortable saying good things about myself, I said that I'm in no position of rouse any passion since I can't even get myself noticed in the first place, but that I can be a good listener, show empathy and be supportive. There she decided to have a look at that by setting up a quick role playing where she would be a hurt woman telling me why she was crying; she made up a little story about a woman who was planning to move with her boyfriend of two years, but right before that he admitted that while he was away doing his internship as medicine student he had cheated on her because he felt alone, but that she still had feelings for him and didn't knew if go ahead with the moving or not. I told her that I wouldn't be telling her what to do, but to consider that as a doctor he'll probably be very busy and spend more time with his coworkers than with her, so he wasn't unlikely of "feeling alone" again. She asked me what I thought of cheating and I answered what I've always thought, that if someone can't just stop and realize he had a very strong to be with someone else, so instead of talking that out with their partner they give up and cheat, that means that two key elements on a relationship like commitment and trust are gone, and pretty much same thing for the relationship. Here she said "There you go, you know how men think, you did listened well and showed that you care, and although you tend assume the worst case scenario when it comes about yourself, you aren't clueless about how women in general think", and told me that many of her patients and friends complain how they can't find a men who personality wise, would be me.
Once again she emphasized that once I make an initial approach, and manage to start a conversation, the girl will be the one most likely leading it and I'll have to do little more than listen to her. But knowing that I'm on vacation time and not being around many people she said that by now she wanted to give me a little assignment to see how I feel about my loneliness beyond the feeling bad at home. So she told me to go and watch a movie in a theatre by myself, during a weekend where it's more crowded so it would make me more anxious, and she wants me to pay attention to how do I feel in that environment where the rest of the people is there with company, and what thoughts came in. From the options I have I think I would like to see Pacific Rim since the tumblr nerds loved it, and I do like the movies of Guillermo del Toro, although I'm not sure if it'll be on screen by this weekend. While she was printing my referral for the next appointment I told her how I'm worried that once I get a job, and how I'll start studying too shortly afterwards, I won't have time to do almost nothing except on weekends where I'll be exhausted and with homework anyway, not to mention how engineering it's a male dominated field, so I'm feeling hopeless about meeting women even if I wasn't anxious about approaching them. She reminded me that most people are pretty busy professionally, and yet they have time for a relationship, that there still will be female students at college and every enterprise has female employees even if it's an industry, and I would be able to at least have female friends who would have their own female friends who I could eventually meet, but most important, I just can't know how it would be so I can't be hopeless, not that I raise expectations, simply to wait and see what would happen by then. She told me to see her again on a month or less once I had made my assignments.
If anybody is still interested on how my therapy carries on you can PM me.
That'll be it.
That'll be it.
kyle
Banned
The hard part is always making the first move. Try rubbing her leg, or massaging her neck. If she kisses you, and starts fondling you, primitive instincts will take over. Always ask for her consent, but if she asks you to strip nude, and lay on a table, while she pours hot oil on your body, just enjoy it.
Come to think of it, you should bring hot oil to the next session, as she may not have any. Bring condoms too.
Come to think of it, you should bring hot oil to the next session, as she may not have any. Bring condoms too.