How much do you blame yourself for your situation?

[worrywort]

Or perhaps more importantly, how much do you think you should blame yourself, (if at all)?

Often I look at my life and how much I lack real social experience compared to most people, and I feel pretty guilty about it. Like I'm morally at fault for ending up this way. But do you think this is really true? Would you blame a person for struggling with their weight and allowing their diet to become meagre if they had a condition that caused them pain every time they ate?

 

[Graeme1988]

Or perhaps more importantly, how much do you think you should blame yourself?

Often I look at my life and how much I lack real social experience compared to most people, and I feel pretty guilty about it. Like I'm morally at fault for ending up this way. But do you think this is really true?

Too an extent that's true but upbringing and environment factor in a wee bit, don't ya think? I mean, if you were told for much of yer childhood by yer family to ignore those who were bullying, are ye really at fault for huvin a lack of confidence and low self-esteem? Speakin' from personal experience.

That said, ah cun definitely relate to the lack of any real social experience compared to other people. So yer not alone there, worrywort.

Ah definitely blame myself for ma situation, probably more than ah should to be honest...

Would you blame a person for struggling with their weight and allowing their diet to become meagre if they had a condition that caused them pain every time they ate?

No, I won't. Since the hypothetical situation you described there would be beyond their control if that were the case.

 

[planemo]

If there's anything I should blame myself for, it would be allowing my past failures to maintain its burdensome grip on me. I need to move on, and forget about the things that didn't work out, instead of analyzing in which ways I wasn't like others, and why. It took me a while to realise this, and it's a process that will take time, but I need to let go of "what if's" and "if only's". I'm trying to start afresh and leave behind my emotional baggage of the past. If I keep blaming myself for the things that went wrong, I don't think I'll get better.

 

[worrywort]

Thanks Graeme, yea that's what I mean. I think I blame myself too much. I'm not even sure we SAer's should be blaming ourselves at all. Infact many SA sufferers I come across I feel should be congratulated for their courage and strength. I don't want to be one of those people that blames themselves too little either though; always passing the blame onto others. I'd just like to try to get a realistic sense of the level of guilt I ought to feel, if any at all!

 

[slimjim119]

The way I feel I partially blame myself for the way I am. I feel I was born this way. It's in my genetics. But every day I'm doing my best to not let it defeat me. I have my good days and bad days.

I blame myself for not leaving my comfort zone more and fighting it. I get too comfortable and give in. It's so much easier to give in. Like with anything in life it's going to take effort to see positive results.

 

[Graeme1988]

Thanks Graeme, yea that's what I mean. I think I blame myself too much. I'm not even sure we SAer's should be blaming ourselves at all. Infact many SA sufferers I come across I feel should be congratulated for their courage and strength.

Aye, it can be pretty hard soldiering on when the anxiety is quite severe, as mine is. But somehow I manage...

I don't want to be one of those people that blames themselves too little either though; always passing the blame onto others. I'd just like to try to get a realistic sense of the level of guilt I ought to feel, if any at all!

No, no, but there's definitely times when others are just as much at fault as you are. Though, that's usually due to lack of support from family and being told yer just shy. So, I'd say it's about 50/50. But don't burden yersel' with all the guilt. That just starts a never-ending vicious circle of self-loathing.

 

[defiance]

I mostly blame myself. It's true that these mental burdens that we struggle with do limit what we are capable of doing in the real world. It's just that even though the real blame is on the issues that I struggle with, I can't help but think it is mostly my fault. Then again that could be a symptom of the mental issues as well where we blame ourselves too much.

 

[MollyBeGood]

The problem with blame I have found no matter how justified it might be, be it genes, upbringing, etc...is that when you allow yourself to be stuck there then you are not opening yourself up to other things like Change.
If your stuck in the blame-game then you are just that, "stuck"
It's ok to be there for a bit to analyze yourself and what is really going on then you gotta move on and find solutions...Or learn to deal with the hand you were dealt. Everyone has been dealt something, some challenge.

You can let it kill you or make you stronger, right?

That's my 2 cents anyways...helps me cope.

 

[Megaten]

For some things yes and others no. I dont feel in the least responsible for the bullying I went through, but I am most definitely responsible for how much progress Ive made in fighting SA. Its a waste of energy feeling guilt or shame though. It would be better focusing that energy on how to start fixing things instead.

 

[worrywort]

I mostly blame myself. It's true that these mental burdens that we struggle with do limit what we are capable of doing in the real world. It's just that even though the real blame is on the issues that I struggle with, I can't help but think it is mostly my fault. Then again that could be a symptom of the mental issues as well where we blame ourselves too much.

Yes I feel the same. I feel as though I shouldn't blame myself so much, and when I reflect on the specifics I'm not sure I can find much that I've done wrong. And yet still, in a general sense, I have this feeling of guilt, that I haven't made more of an effort socially in my life. Which perhaps suggests it's a false guilt, and like you say, it's maybe a symptom of the mental issue aswell.

I also wonder whether society makes us feel more to blame too. Cause that's all we're ever told. If we leave the party early, or decline invitations, we often get responses such as we're rude, or to stop being such a coward. Very rarely do we receive sympathetic responses, because our difficulty is so hidden. It's not like a physical disability that other's can easily sympathise with. Others tend to just assume our internal state is the same as theirs, and therefore if it'd be rude or cowardly for them to leave, then it must be rude or cowardly for us. But that's like considering a man with a broken leg, lazy for getting a taxi half a mile to work instead of walking.

 

[Pyrophosphate]

I don't blame myself for being in this situation in the first place, but I've had chances to turn it around that I didn't take. Regardless of whether they would have actually helped anything or not, I've made choices that I knew weren't the right ones, and I blame myself for that.

 

[S_Spartan]

Forget blame. Forget guilt. Forget regret. Forget shame. None of these things will get you anywhere. Instead ask yourself "what small thing can I do today".

 

[worrywort]

I'm not sure I agree that I should just ignore my guilt and focus on action. I think the action I choose to take will be fundamentally shaped by my sense of guilt. I think it's important to listen to your conscience in life. My sense of guilt is what keeps me on the right path. Usually, if I feel guilt, it provokes me to change. Guilt is an effective motivator. It's what motivated me to start this thread!

My problem is that with SA I've felt guilty for a long time, and even my best efforts to socialize more only seem to keep guilt at bay for a short while, then pretty soon I'm back on my own, feel guilty again. It's a guilt that I feel inept to conquer. And so I'm trying to learn more about it. Is it a true guilt that I should take more seriously, and begin to force myself to socialize more. Or is it a false guilt, bought on by societal misconceptions and my own faulty thinking, that I need to free myself from?

 

[S_Spartan]

^^guilt is only useful if you have intentionally wronged another person(s), beyond that it's just an energy drain.

 

[Kiwong]

I'm not sure I blame myself, but I regret some of my thoughts and actions over the years that has led me to where I am today.

 

[nodejesque]

I blame myself for everything. I constantly feel guilty.

 

[Cetnien]

Worrywart, depending on the situation, I think being guilty about things you did not do in life that you want to achieve is what's holding you back. Sometimes we fear what we will do if we did try those things that we feel guilty for.

However, if you're guilty about the things that you did do to someone or something then it's wise to look and reflect on how to motivate yourself to make the change. There's always something else that can help you grow from your guilt.

I will admit, I blame myself a lot of the times for things I wish I could do better for people. But if you be too hard on yourself than it will destroy you. Like I mentioned before, depending on the predicament you can reflect on what the person's or things that caused you to feel blame in the first place. This may sound silly, but there is something from people that actually in their own way try to help you; even if you feel guilty for them.

It just takes a little time to look. Like they say patience is a virtue.

 

[worrywort]

Worrywart, depending on the situation, I think being guilty about things you did not do in life that you want to achieve is what's holding you back. Sometimes we fear what we will do if we did try those things that we feel guilty for.

Thanks Cetnien. Yes I think you're right. I decided to listen to my guilt and do something about it, so I went back to church yesterday for the first time in ages, and even though I felt really wary and nervous it actually went really well. It felt great. Now I'm suddenly feeling like anything is possible again! lol! But I won't get carried away. I know things can get complicated easily. I think it's probably gonna be about balance. It seems that I need a certain amount of socialization and a certain amount of challenge in my life to stay happy and mentally healthy. I had an idea a while back, to try, for at least 1 hour, to do something scary or new each week. I think I might try and pick that idea back up again.

 

[morrowrd]

Or perhaps more importantly, how much do you think you should blame yourself, (if at all)?

Often I look at my life and how much I lack real social experience compared to most people, and I feel pretty guilty about it. Like I'm morally at fault for ending up this way. But do you think this is really true? Would you blame a person for struggling with their weight and allowing their diet to become meagre if they had a condition that caused them pain every time they ate?

The problem with blaming yourself is you are heaping shame on your head...and then making that as an excuse where you expect "the world" to take pity on you. That does more harm than help, and undermines you.

The way out of your hole is to face what you are ashamed of, and decide what and who you would like to be. Use role models, use whatever resources you can find to give yourself the strength to recognize you are agonizing over small potatoes.

Once you see the big picture, things don't look so bad. Right now you see the little picture.

 

[Sacrament]

I blame myself for choices that I know are the wrong ones. I blame myself whenever I indulge in emotional eating, for instance. Feels good before and during, but then I'm just like "huh, shouldn't have eaten that". I suppose that kind of lack of discipline then spreads to other areas of my life, which I blame myself for as well.

I blame myself for not meeting up with that one girl a few years ago due to fear of rejection (even though she was already pretty much enamored with me), and the experiences I could have had.

I blame myself for whenever I don't try enough. The solution is to try and work harder.