How much do you blame yourself for your situation?
- Thread starter worrywort
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DanielLewis
Well-known member
I blame myself fully. Technically, I could've made different choices leading up to this point that could've drastically altered my current situation. I might not have SA if I had. And I don't believe I have any sort of physical condition that would make that impossible.
The good thing is that my mindset has changed a lot over the years for the better, so I'll be making better choices that will have a better chance of changing my life for the better. It's not that I don't have the same old struggles still. I do, a lot. But I've noticed subtle changes in my behavior such as less avoidance behavior. In high school, for example, I would sit in the bathroom during lunch sometimes or before school to avoid having to socialize with people. If I could do high school again with my new way of thinking, I wouldn't do that. I would at least try.
See, I had this intense fear of being disliked or rejected, which still lurks in me to a lesser degree. But one thing I've learned is that it's very hard for anyone to reject genuine kindness and a good heart. If you simply approach people with a kind and friendly attitude then, even if they see you're a bit nervous, they can't really be mean to you.
I always had this problem of not knowing what to say - a lack of conversational skills - but even if I just had said simple things like "Hi, how are you today?", that's fine. I always put too much pressure on myself to be funny or this really entertaining guy. When you're in the head space of trying to be funny or entertaining, that's when you can't be that way.
The good thing is that my mindset has changed a lot over the years for the better, so I'll be making better choices that will have a better chance of changing my life for the better. It's not that I don't have the same old struggles still. I do, a lot. But I've noticed subtle changes in my behavior such as less avoidance behavior. In high school, for example, I would sit in the bathroom during lunch sometimes or before school to avoid having to socialize with people. If I could do high school again with my new way of thinking, I wouldn't do that. I would at least try.
See, I had this intense fear of being disliked or rejected, which still lurks in me to a lesser degree. But one thing I've learned is that it's very hard for anyone to reject genuine kindness and a good heart. If you simply approach people with a kind and friendly attitude then, even if they see you're a bit nervous, they can't really be mean to you.
I always had this problem of not knowing what to say - a lack of conversational skills - but even if I just had said simple things like "Hi, how are you today?", that's fine. I always put too much pressure on myself to be funny or this really entertaining guy. When you're in the head space of trying to be funny or entertaining, that's when you can't be that way.
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Jessquietgirl
Well-known member
In my situation there are a variety of factors that caused my anxiety such as my harsh upbringing, the school environment, and my genetics. In the past, I was bullied for being a very obese kid by my family members and children in school. I had to deal with the negativity and I had to rely on my intelligence since my appearance was so "grotesque." I had low-self esteem for many years. My social skills got worse. I did manage to lose the weight and gain the "attention" of some pretty shallow people later on in my adult life whom thought that I had it easy until I told them my story which caused them to see me as a human being with problems just like everyone else and not a "prima donna" or brainless idiot like they thought I was. I've always been an outsider.
Yet, it is imperative to note that even if you lose or gain weight or improve on your appearance, you're not going to get rid of social anxiety. It is an emotional wound that is ingrained in the brain. You can alleviate it but it will always come back. It takes time to improve social skills. It's a struggle everyday for me. Even though I cannot change the past, I can always improve the future. I just want to make my life peaceful. I've accepted that I'm an introvert and I'm not going to change that part of me. Also, I stopped giving a shit about what others think of me. I'm not going to go out of my way and impress people who don't give a shit about me at all. I have to make myself happy from now on.
Yet, it is imperative to note that even if you lose or gain weight or improve on your appearance, you're not going to get rid of social anxiety. It is an emotional wound that is ingrained in the brain. You can alleviate it but it will always come back. It takes time to improve social skills. It's a struggle everyday for me. Even though I cannot change the past, I can always improve the future. I just want to make my life peaceful. I've accepted that I'm an introvert and I'm not going to change that part of me. Also, I stopped giving a shit about what others think of me. I'm not going to go out of my way and impress people who don't give a shit about me at all. I have to make myself happy from now on.
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PhantomPod
Well-known member
I truly feel like I was born with this shyness and anxiety. Because I have always been like this even when I was very young. I do blame myself though for not trying hard enough to overcome it. I spent so much time hiding in my room in high school and college and I regret not trying harder. I would try to put myself out there sometimes, but I always got vibes that other people had enough friends already and that they didn't like me and didn't want to be friends with me. So, eventually I would just give up and I wish I tried harder to make friends while I was in school, because I feel like being in school makes it a bit easier to try and meet people.
I blame my father for being verbally abusive, insulting, not saving his store, and crying years after years about child support. My mother is forgivable, after realizing the struggle she have to deal with. I can't blame myself for college otherwise I would hate myself for meeting people that makes my life interesting and actually learning instead of listening to my father the wanna-be achie-bunker cry about liberal-arts ( which he has no understanding about ).
DO I blame myself? No. I will admit I have done stupid things but in order to see the light I have to keep on doing more stupid things until I realize that I am wrong.
DO I blame myself? No. I will admit I have done stupid things but in order to see the light I have to keep on doing more stupid things until I realize that I am wrong.
Phoenixx
Well-known member
^ Basically this. Yes, I partially blame myself for certain unfortunate aspects of my life, but at the same time what good does that do, blaming oneself? Granted there are days where I kick myself over the decisions I've made, but I try not to mull too much. I've learned to just deal with it the best I can.
Fey
Well-known member
I think I have responsibility but not blame, if that makes sense? I could always have made different decisions and tried to be more friendly and outgoing when I was younger, so that I could get more exposure despite fear and nervousness. Better social skills and more support would have helped if I'd focused more on cultivating it.
But I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone like a 7-year-old child to have that level of awareness and resistance to hostile environments, where they'll just figure it all out on their own and come away completely undamaged by it.
But I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone like a 7-year-old child to have that level of awareness and resistance to hostile environments, where they'll just figure it all out on their own and come away completely undamaged by it.
Goblinko
Active member
I also had enough playing the "blaming" game with myself, since this will really get you nowhere.
Instead, I look forward to learn and improve myself by learning with Life and reading useful stuff like books and articles, which are being really helpful in my journey in search of knowledge and freedom.
Recently I learned to live the present and to "give up the battle" against my past and accept it, which has been leeching away a lot of energy from me which would be best used in improving myself.
It has been a long ride, and I still have a lot to learn and put in practice, though.
Well I was definitely genetically predisposed to develop social anxiety. On the other hand I grew up in a violent household. Just bad luck of combining the two. I don't really blame myself. I did try to overcome my mental disorder but failed. For that I don't blame myself either. It still sucks to live with it though.