How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

Depressed and really frustrated. Struggling to find the motivation to keep going. Wishing my life had turned out differently in many ways.

Due to my mum's recent health issues, I've been completely neglecting myself, as far as my own well-being goes, just to make sure she's ok. And I'm absolutely knackered and struggling to cope, but I know how the argument will go if I even say that. I'm in the wrong for speaking up, as always.

 

[Graeme1988]

Well... things don't seem to be getting any better. That's nearly month now.

I'm at my wit's end with everything that's going on. My advice falls on deaf ears, as it always does. But then I don't know how yer supposed to help someone who refuses to help themselves. I also don't see the point in that — does that make me a bad person? I've been told it does, apparently.

Then again, what I don't know? I mean, my oldest sister went in the huff with me today. All because I never had a complimentary thing to say about the fact she decided to dye her hair pink. Like I supposed to be impressed or care.

Guess that's how it is. Having grown up constantly hearing disparaging words said about you, and other people who just so happen to be the same gender as you? On the spot compliments don't come to mind as easily as the mean-spirited insults.

 

[SilentAndShy]

Absolutely miserable, irritable, infuriated (at myself) with everything that's on my mind whether that's falling behind at work for an important project, being indecisive about everything and to top it off, being absolutely clueless about cars.

 

[Graeme1988]

Let down yet again... but what else is new? Story of my life at this point. And my family acts as if they're the yins who should be upset. Cuz to hell with how ah feel with being let down time n' time again, right? Aw, wait that right, men dinnae huv feels, d'they?

Every-feckin'-time! They'll promise to something for me - actually using that word - then the day comes, and ah ask about it and: "Aw, ah cannae be bothered" is essentially what their excuse amounts to. Cuz I'm the stupid yin who, for some reason, actually remembers stuff I've been told. And they expect me not to get pissed off about it, but ah do. Ah just don't speak up because they don't seem to like having anything negative said about them - my mum and older sisters. Yet, ironically, they spent much of my formative years telling me I was "useless b@$%@^!"

Funny how the nicer ye are, and more willing ya are to do stuff for folk, the more ye get taken advantage of. Or, at least, that my experience, anyway.

 

[vj288]

I'm tired of being depressed.

 

[Graeme1988]

Quite nervous and a wee bit intimidated about getting back into taking guitar lessons again. It's been 17 years since I last had a lesson. And my previous experiences with getting taught left me feel more frustrated and disillusioned than happy.

Anyway, I've signed for monthly online guitar lessons with Tom Hess. And the guy seems to know his stuff as far as teaching guitar, so that a good sign. But also a wee bit intimidating since I'm probably going suck the moment he hears me play a note.

I did mention that I wrote some guitar riffs but ah don't whether to let Hess hear them? Mainly because I don't know if what he has to say will knock or boost my confidence? Like, what if he think I'm completely daft? Since I'm coming up with these guitar riffs that are either intricate and melodic or fast and full-on thrashing riffs. Plus, ah cannae really objective judge my guitar playing, because I still can't bring myself to say I can actually play guitar pretty well, even though that's probably obviously. But I still feel that I suck at it, mainly because guitar solos have never been my strong point.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Like this.

Exactly.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Like total sh!t.. I'm tired.. tired of feeling not good enough, even though I know I am.. tired of feeling unloveable.. even though I know I am.. tired of feeling like a shattered mirror..

 

[Phoenixx]

Anxious. Debating on going to work or calling in "sick". I don't want to be *that* person but I also don't want to even bother going to work today. So yesterday and today are down days for maintenance in the building. To make up for the downtime, the company organized a very high-school-esque "field day" event outside. Even down to putting people on teams from different departments. Games are played competitively to earn points and there's food offered of course. It's supposed to be "fun", but it literally sounds like torture to me. No amount of Prozac can even get me to enjoy something like that.

If I choose to go to work and not attend, I'm left sitting in a lab with barely anything to do for 8 hours. My online courses for work are caught up, cleaning tasks are done, the only things that would be left to do are random sample tests and inventories. And there's another coworker that will be there this afternoon to do all that. So I feel like it's a lose-lose situation with work today.

 

[Phoenixx]

Anxious. Debating on going to work or calling in "sick". I don't want to be *that* person but I also don't want to even bother going to work today. So yesterday and today are down days for maintenance in the building. To make up for the downtime, the company organized a very high-school-esque "field day" event outside. Even down to putting people on teams from different departments. Games are played competitively to earn points and there's food offered of course. It's supposed to be "fun", but it literally sounds like torture to me. No amount of Prozac can even get me to enjoy something like that.

If I choose to go to work and not attend, I'm left sitting in a lab with barely anything to do for 8 hours. My online courses for work are caught up, cleaning tasks are done, the only things that would be left to do are random sample tests and inventories. And there's another coworker that will be there this afternoon to do all that. So I feel like it's a lose-lose situation with work today.

Well I called in. I mean I'm still getting paid, but I feel a little guilty because I hate lying. I was so anxious on the phone though that I hung up before even saying goodbye or even allowed the guy on the other end of the line say goodbye. There was a weird pause and I thought it was the end of the conversation. Ugh, phone call fail. But whatever. It's over and now I can get on with my day. It's not like I'm not doing anything today. I have a list to tackle before I go away for the weekend.

 

[Graeme1988]

Pissed off. Really kin' pissed off.

Gordon Ramsay levels of pissed off...

The more people that I interact with, the more I realise that: most people are ts. Exceptions being, of course: my mother, the consultant surgeons that over saw both operations on my legs in my early teens and late 20s. And you lot on here - yous are the great! And I mean that, genuinely.

The rest, though:

Why is it always the dumb yins that end up starting arguments with me? It's no ma fault that the person huvin a go at me sucked at geography! But then, they were from Manchester, so... that explains it.

Anyway, I'm off to my bed. I'll probably do a follow up to this post tomorrow, if I remember to.

 

[Hoth]

Like this.

Exactly.

I experience/seek/suffer none of the things depicted in the film... yet I'm still not happy either, heh.

 

[Phoenixx]

Feeling depressed today. Kinda out of nowhere. I think it's partly PMS blues and also going back to routine. I'm getting tired of running errands and cleaning every day before work. But if I don't do it then it just piles up and nothing gets done until the weekend. Getting tired of not being able to spend much time with people I care about either. Allergies are also hitting me hard this week after my partner cleaned the basement and now that it's the middle of fall. I have a cough that just won't let up, I can't stop wanting to rub my eyes, and my head feels so congested. Not exactly symptoms I want to have in the middle of -- yet again -- another rising pandemic.

 

[Sammie_Kay]

nervous and overwhelmed. un sure and tired

 

[grapevine]

I had some vegan chocolate and up at nearly 2am on here lol. I had chocolate in the afternoon. Im pretty much caffiene -sensitive.

 

[SelfHater]

Most of the time I feel nothing but some type of negative emotion. Developed agoraphobia a few years ago so bad I could not leave my room. I just became somewhat hopeful lately getting some confidence again. Anyways I am now bored out of my mind. Frustrated because after years of fighting this I just started to be able to drive short distances. However all those years my family members could not be bothered to help keep my car maintained even though they would use it because I was not. It just broke down and now I am back stuck inside this prison alone unable to keep moving forward.

 

[Graeme1988]

Depressed and really unmotivated. Like I constantly have the weight o' the world on my shoulders, and I'm rarely, if ever, allowed to take time for myself.

I'm also pretty irritated that my sisters are now getting on at me about how our mum's been doing, lately. Asking me why she's feeling anxious, why she's so on edge. Like I'm supposed to know solely because ah still live with her. Never mind that my mum has been emotionally distant with me most of my life. So, she does'nae open up to me about how she's feeling.

And I've long since given up on even asking her; mainly because the conversation never goes anywhere. I ask: "Why?" and get the same answer from her everytime. Which is: "Ah don't know..."

 

[Graeme1988]

Must be great being treated like an adult by yer family. And have yer boundaries and decisions respect.

Unfortunately, I don't get that. What with being the youngest o' my immediate family. I've always got tae people please, and do what everyone else tells me. As well as having justify my decision for not wanting to leave the kin' house!

Naw, naw, it's not as if I've got song collaborations to write all the music for. Or that those song have been put on hold for the last 2 months due to me spiralling into a hellish depression brought on by the stress of having to care for my own mother. But naebuddy in the family want to listen tae me whenever I try and open up about the toll that's taken on me. Naw, just shame me n' make me feel like crap for expressing how things have been from my perspective. Because me pointing out how it isn't just our mum who's health hasn't been doing so great, lately. But, apparently, that makes me a bit of an arse, despite my point being valid.

Then again, why should I bother to prioritise myself or my well-being and mental health for a change, anyway?!

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, my mum's finally gave me the reason for her anxiety. It's because we're not spending as much my time together. Since everything related to my hobbies is upstairs.

Today, she reminded me of how, when I was younger, my mum and I would spend weekends binge-watching the VHS boxset of the Star Wars trilogy – I think I got it as a Christmas present in the late '90s – if we were bored and couldn't find anything to watch on the telly.

So, I've made the suggestion that: instead of getting rid that small computer desk I've still got sitting about upstairs; move it downstairs into the living room. That way we're not spending so much time apart for most of the day.

 

[Phoenixx]

Exhausted. It's been a long work week. Have already put in 46 hours and still have today to go. At least I get the holiday off, but I feel like I'll still have no time to rest.