Terrible. And despite everything I'm almost always in near-high spirits. But I'm sick of S.A. causing friction at home, it doesn't happen often but it did yesterday.
Here's what happened - my mum needed a photograph of me for a form that she's dealing with, and despite
hating having my picture taken, I agreed to do it. Yesterday morning she decided to kick up a fuss about it, and when I told her that I would never even use a card with a picture of me on it anyway, she freaked. And she knows that I hate having my picture taken, I always have - I don't have a single picture of myself on Facebook and she knows that. So what did she do? She said to my dad that they would go into town alone, and he tried to defend me, so she ended up storming out and going on her own. A couple of hours later, she came back and didn't say a single word to anybody for the rest of the night - even to my brother, who did absolutely nothing - and then cried (loudly, to make sure that we could all hear) herself to sleep. This morning, she said very little.
She's always doing
that, but usually after an argument with my dad. It doesn't often happen because of me, but you know why that is? Because every time it >does<, I lose a large part of my ability to have an opinion, or to stand up for myself. I can't speak a word against her because I don't want to be the cause of an argument. That spreads to other parts of my life, and even on these forums, nine times out of ten I cancel a post instead of submitting it, feeling that my opinion or thoughts count for nothing. In college, I don't talk to anybody, and for the short time that I was there today, I could feel that it was worse than ever - I couldn't wait where I usually wait for college, and I struggled to talk to the
one person that I was just beginning to be confident around, after being there two years.
In her defence, she doesn't know that I have S.A., she doesn't even know that it exists most likely, so she just thinks that I'm too lazy to leave the house, and that I just can't be bothered to make friends. Of course, that's not it at all. I'd love to have a friend, and I'd love to be able to get out a bit more. I haven't discussed it with her, because there's never a right time, and I really mean that - right now, with my S.A. getting worse, and worse, her attention is needed with her own father, who is recovering from cancer, and my brother, who is close to being diagnosed with autism.
I have discussed S.A. with my dad, and we have agreed that he probably has it too, which works, because of course it's said that S.A. is hereditary. She gives him a hard time about it too, calling him a coward when he doesn't want to talk to a stranger on the phone, and she's always forcing him into social situations as well, even when she's not going to be there herself. At Christmas, for instance, we'll visit my grandparents (dad's parents) and she won't come, leaving him to, once again, explain why she isn't there.
But here's the worst thing - we're normally a very close family, (except on occasion between my mum, and my dad's parents), so it really hurts when she does this. There's something with her side of the family, that they will always be the first to flare up when things don't go their way, and with all of the problems in her own life (believe me, she's had a really difficult one) she can't seem to acknowledge the problems of others. And that's why I'll never be able to mention S.A. to her, why I'll never be able to get her support, why it will always continue to get worse, and why I'll never, ever, put an end to my fears.
I should also just add that the last time this happened was a bit more than a year ago now, and she phoned my college the next day - they called me into the office to explain that she was worried about me, and I told them without naming S.A. what the matter with me is - all the bullying that ruined my shot at a good education (from highest grades in primary school to two Ds and an ungraded P.E. in my GCSEs), exactly why I was having a tough time at college (no friends, pretty obvious), stuff like that, and nothing came of it. So that's the last time I'm going to share my problems with people who don't have the first idea about social anxiety.
