How are you feeling?

I

IJustWantMyLifeBack

Well-known member
I feel like I'm in a bubble or glass room watching the world go by thinking to myself I use to be apart of that world....

I feel removed from everything but ti's just right in front of me...
 
worrywort

worrywort

Well-known member
ergh, I'm feeling really emotional right now and slightly angry too, which is rare for me. I'm so tired of being misunderstood. I've always had this little voice in my head that has always told me, if something is true, then follow it and don't worry about what other people think...so whenever temptations to shape my life in such a way as to make myself appear a certain way to others, i.e. getting a flash job, with a nice car, and finding myself a wife etc, if I had these things, my friends and family would probably think, oh wow, look at bob, isn't he successful. But whenever I have these thoughts I stop myself and say, no this is meaningless, why live life to please others, I'm gonna do what I enjoy doing and what makes sense to me.....ergh, I'm babbling now....I don't expect anybody to read this btw...I'm just venting!.....but things like my choice to cycle....my dad is always on my back to drive, and he wants me to have my sisters car now she's gone to uni, but I just don't want it. I'd rather cycle, and save the money and get free exercise at the same time, but for some reason everybody seems to think I'm either insane, or scared of driving, or whatever and argh, it pisses me off.....then there's the fact that I'm still living at home at my mums house......but I've lived alone and with flatmates before and I've rented etc, so I know I'm perfectly capable of doing that, I just choose to live at home cause it's cheaper rent and I'm around the people I love the most in life, so why not?....but for some reason my family all think I'm this pussy that hides in his room and is scared to move out and can't stand on my own two feet, and argh, it's so annoying that they see me this way. Now I could move out and get my own place again, no problem, but I'd have to probably get another job or a harder higher paying job, and I'd be living alone, which is fine, but all this just to prove to my family a point because they can't see the real me.....ergh, I'm really venting now...I might delete this tomorrow......ergh, I've just always done my own thing no matter what.....like the whole pub club scene, SOOOO many times have I forced myself to "face my fears" and go to these places and I sit there and try to enjoy it, but IT'S NOT FEAR! I can face my fear, I can sit through a night of booze and loud music....I can do it. The problem is that I feel like a fake idiot whilst doing it....I feel like I'm betraying who I really am, just so that I can be like everyone else.....it irritates the hell out of me.....[well not normally, only tonight for some reason!]......it's so meaningless....I mean, the only two things I love in life is art and god.....I'm obsessed, and I get all my sense of purpose from these two things....I just study and work all day and I love every second of it.....the problem comes when my friends and family come along and think "why does bobby spend so much time in his room and on his own......oh, i know, he must be a scared little loser".....ergh, and I could change my life just to prove to them that I'm not a scared little loser....I could wear stylish clothes and hang out with cool hip friends and go to clubs, and get a job with a suit and a fast car and a big pay cheque and find a wife and everyone would say, "hey, there goes bob, isn't he successful"......but I WOULDN'T be successful....in my heart I'd be a massive failure.....damn....I know this, I've known this all along....I just wish other people could see it sometimes....I wish the things that I was passionate about on the inside, didn't make me look like an insane loser from the outside.
mmm....ok....vent over :(
 
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