Isolated. Other people don't notice the 'slights' I feel from other people at work - that's what being anxious does I presume. I wanted to start 2020 with positivity in my behaviour at work, but now 22 days in, I'm inclined to sit in my office and not bother with any of them minus one good friend.
It's me who is expected to come out and engage in conversation (knowing how awkward I feel when some people don't bother to engage with me) and somehow know what everyone is talking about and be in the loop, me who is supposed to be starting topics with everyone else, me taking an interest in others, me asking others if they want a drink or an item from the shops.
Is it not possible that everyone else can do the same for me? Just because I sit in a smaller office away means you can't either take a few steps, or shout me to involve me.
Then I get a reputation for being distant perhaps, and wonder is there no self-reflection by anyone else? Even the boss is keen to engage and be 'pally' with others which is cringe worthy.
Anyways, need to write this down to get it out and try and focus on work tasks.
I'm so glad I'm not in the office for a few days. I can't handle the isolation, the snideness of some people, the lack of consequences for some people simply because they are extroverted blowhards who laugh or joke their way out of trouble, people who can't be polite and friendly. And more.
People will probably say I'm distant or removed from the team yet many won't bother to ask if I'm okay
Extremely tired. Yesterday was a long day visiting family and friends of my husband's family. Had to talk to a lot of people and we didn't get home until 11pm, so I feel drained physically and emotionally.
Coincidentally I think I may have seen someone yesterday at the calling hours who I'm pretty sure I've seen as a client where I work. She'd be related to my husband through marriage. I didn't get a chance to talk to her to ask, mostly because I didn't even know how to start that kind of awkward conversation. What if I'm mistaking her for someone else and she's not the person I'm thinking of? I wasn't in the mood to die from social embarrassment. I was on a good streak yesterday with the social festivities, didn't need to ruin it.
I feel a longing for my more extreme bouts with depression and anxiety. I know logically it's not the depression or anxiety I am actually missing -although the former does have an addictive quality to it - no I miss the intensity of the emotions. I know it's one of the reasons I used to cut myself too, of course there was other things going on that made me want to actively hurt myself, but in doing so it extrapolated the feelings farther than they could naturally go - with more intensity.
I just miss the unadulterated emotion. I have more experience with the negative ones, but I'd take the positive ones as well. It sort of has me thinking about the expression "'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Whether talking about romantic love specifically or general good feeling on the intensity of good love, I certainly don't feel it's always true. I don't think if I sat on my deathbed in 50 years I'd be thinking "I had that one 6 month span or so where life was better than I had ever imagined it could be, and the other 80 years completely paled in comparison and felt numb and empty as a result, but damn if I'm not glad for that 1/160th of life that was grand."
I've done alright at keeping myself out of rock bottom, but in doing so I leave myself hovering in an empty purgatory. I don't see a way to fly myself out of the hole, so I find myself longing for rock bottom, where the extreme bouts of depression and anxiety and other things would await me. I'm not going to cut my wings and nosedive as I feel I just can't at this point in my life, but it doesn't stop me from wondering if it would be better than where I am.
Who tha f…kin’ cares? Same ol’ $h!t, different day. Different week, different month, different f…kin’ year !
Same ol’ pish. Still the same f…kin’ near-middle aged, middle sibling screeching at their mother for a perceived wrong. While the youngest yin wonders tae himsel’ why tha f…k he has to put up with it.
Guess that’s normal family behaviour, eh? Every family’s like that, are they? Older siblings treating the only parent who bother to bloody raise them like crap, while the youngest slowly just comes undone cuz he’s the poor b@$%@rd who has to put up it all. And all he gets is an “Awww... am sorry” or telt tae f…k off ? How lovely...
Cannae wait til ah pluck up enough courage tae just end ma $h!**y, meanless existence. The sooner ah get it o’er wae the better, really. If nowt else, I’ll be at peace...
Sad. Sad, down, blah, depressed. I don't know why. I feel like I never know why, or that sometimes when I do know why the reason isn't good enough. I talked to the doctor about this yesterday. He asked if I'm still able to do things, and I am, I just don't feel good doing them. I don't enjoy doing things, I just do the things because it's expected of me. He told me I have mild depression, but it feels worse than that. I refused medication right away though, because I'm going to therapy next month and I'm curious what the evaluation is going to be like and if there's anything else that will come up.
I cannot wait until March though. I'm so eager to actually get help, finally.
Same as yesterday. 😠Apparently, I’m not allowed to spend a day in bed due to feeling completely f__kin’ knackered. Who does that?But hey, everything ah do according to my family is wrong. Cannae bloody win. 🙁
Same as yesterday. 😠Apparently, I’m not allowed to spend a day in bed due to feeling completely f__kin’ knackered. Who does that?But hey, everything ah do according to my family is wrong. Cannae bloody win. 🙁
Bro, if you're feeling sh!t and out of energy, what else are you supposed to do?
Sending good vibes your way:
Bro, if you're feeling sh!t and out of energy, what else are you supposed to do?
Sending good vibes your way:
Thanks.
Don’t know what else am supposed to do. But as soon as ah do summit that’s uncharacteristic o’ me, something must be wrong, and they make a big deal o’ it. “What’s wrong, why ye being like this?” 😠
I haven't been feeling good lately. I mean aside from struggling with depression and anxiety, I've been having a lot of physical issues too. I started seeing a new dr, got bloodwork done which came back "normal." But I have a new working theory as to what is wrong, and it requires a specific blood test. I hope he'll listen to what I have to say tomorrow. I think he will, he seemed really nice when I saw him last week, but I always am wary.
Pretty f__kin’ depressed? I’ve somehow managed to lose the external hard drive that has all the music — both finished and unfinished — I’d wrote since 2017. 😢 And my oldest sister had a good laugh yesterday when I answered, “No yet”, to the question of whether our mother and middle child had an argument. Cuz, that’s funny, right? Dysfunctional families? The Simpsons, Married with Children and that... it’s funny when that how yer life is, innit? 😠🙁
Pretty f__kin’ depressed? I’ve somehow managed to lose the external hard drive that has all the music — both finished and unfinished — I’d wrote since 2017.
Doubt it... I’ve looked all over ma room for it, for days. Still huv’nae found it.
Plus it had every photo I’d taken at all the concerts I’ve been to since 2008. 😢
The thing I feared the most, happened and I did nothing to change it in that moment. I'll be amazed if the cops aren't around soon - in a busy car park, with cars behind me, I tried to front park into a bay. I knew it would be tight, the angles weren't great. What did I do? Fucking persisted like a dumb fuck with cars behind me (because that's what I was focusing about) and scraped my car and another on my right. Panicking, I parked up and somehow parked in another bay. I had no clue what I was supposed to do. I left and went to my appointment, in a daze, then came home, and now I'm sat waiting for the inevitable to happen. Some payback for my actions ranging from inevitable embarrassment and criticism, to official punishment (if the car park was CCTV'd which I didn't see any signs to say) which would be worthy.
Fuck - why the fuck can't I do this thing that everyone does so effortlessly, like "riding a bike" they say
The thing I feared the most, happened and I did nothing to change it in that moment. I'll be amazed if the cops aren't around soon - in a busy car park, with cars behind me, I tried to front park into a bay. I knew it would be tight, the angles weren't great. What did I do? Fucking persisted like a dumb fuck with cars behind me (because that's what I was focusing about) and scraped my car and another on my right. Panicking, I parked up and somehow parked in another bay. I had no clue what I was supposed to do. I left and went to my appointment, in a daze, then came home, and now I'm sat waiting for the inevitable to happen. Some payback for my actions ranging from inevitable embarrassment and criticism, to official punishment (if the car park was CCTV'd which I didn't see any signs to say) which would be worthy.
Fuck - why the fuck can't I do this thing that everyone does so effortlessly, like "riding a bike" they say
You'd be surprised how many cars are side swiped anonymously due to the perpetrator driving off. I was recently sitting in my running car in a parking garage, had a women back into it, and when I honked at her to stop she drove away as fast as she could (no damage was done fortunately).
So while you probably should have stopped and done something, I don't think you're some sort of incapable creature for not doing anything. I think it's something that most people don't face on a regular basis, and is commonly either addressed as you did, with anxiety and fear leading to flight, or with apathy (which I think is worse) with the person driving away without a second thought.
I'd google what to do in those situations so if it happens again you'll be prepared. I think knowing what to do makes most situations a lot less terrifying. I actually have a card in my card in which I wrote all insurance info I would need in the event of an accident, and a list of steps I would have to take. It doesn't guarantee I will act appropriately when that day comes, but I will at least have the tools to do so.
