How are you feeling?

I wish I could get rid of this flu so I can get a decent night’s sleep. :kickingmyself: Being kept awake is starting to irritate me.

Ah also need to get back to do stuff I haven’t done in awhile, mainly writing music and keeping in shape.
 
Well, today wus $h!te. :thumbdown:

Got woken up at just after half past 11, having been told my older sister and her kids will be coming round. And they didnae bother showing up... :idontknow: Ah hope that incident the other day hasn’t suddenly made things go back the usual day to day routine where it’s just me and my mother? :question: :bigsmile:
 
Sad.

My 95-year old aunt's going to live with her daughter in Florida.

She has a sister who's 97 that lives down the street from her and when my aunt called to tell her she replied "I guess I'll never see you again." :(
 
Nearly back to my usually self... in terms of being nocturnal and wanting to do summit creative in the wee hours.
Weird what telling yer older sibling to eff off will do for yer mood. :bigsmile: Especially if neither of ye get along that well.
 
Groggy... got a few days off work, slept in.. funny how when you sleep more than usual you can feel more tired when you wake up.
Yes, quite a few times I have been exhausted so I would go to bed early and then let myself sleep in hoping to "catch up on sleep" only to continue to be tired. Then I would take another approach, and decide to wake up early in hopes of being tired all day and then fall asleep easy the next night. Instead, I wake up and am wide awake, realizing I had been sleeping too much, not too little as I thought. It really is an odd thing.
 
Just trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve never really had much of a life. Never been allowed to, really. :sad: Told what to do, how I should be... that’s no much of a life, is it? :idontknow:

I wish last year had turned out different for me, cuz I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find any joy in what few hobbies I have anymore. Ah don’t even feel at home in the house I spent most of my life living in. Ah feel like am just paying to keep the bit running at this point. Stuck with a co-dependent who seems to forget I’m her son and not her f*ckin’ carer...

Ah wish ah could time travel back to April 2017 and just reliving that month up until July 2017. Everythin’ seemed to go well then. I was genuinely happy, doing something I actually enjoyed. Not bogged down by other people’s problems. :thumbdown:
 
Just trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve never really had much of a life. Never been allowed to, really. :sad: Told what to do, how I should be... that’s no much of a life, is it?

If you don't mind me saying bud, your life is in your hands. You've never had much of a life? Start having one! you don't seem old yet, but Father time is working away at making you just that. Each and every day.

I would suggest by starting with something simple - doing something simple that you've always thought about doing, but for whatever reason never have.

Are you happy being stuck in a household with p r i c k relations that make you unhappy? (Of course I know that answer already).

Do - you- need- them? :idontknow:

I can feel for you mate, because I was once stuck in a house living with my mother and 2 sisters and was treated like a POS because I was a male.

Well I fking showed them. Now they are the ones stuck mooching off each other, b i t c h i n g about each other. I'm so glad I made the decisions to leave.

And yes - it wasn't easy. But each and every road block to leaving I came across I eventually found a way over, around, under or through it.

I haven't looked back since. Well actually I have, but only to remind me what I left behind. I have no regrets to this day about that.

I write this because I feel genuine concern for you and your situation. I wish I could help you. But in reality all I do is offer some well meaning advice.


I really, really would like you to think about my next point. In depth.

When you are laying on your death bed, thinking back on your life, will you regret not making choices that could have possibly changed things for you?
 
If you don't mind me saying bud, your life is in your hands. You've never had much of a life? Start having one! you don't seem old yet, but Father time is working away at making you just that. Each and every day.

I would suggest by starting with something simple - doing something simple that you've always thought about doing, but for whatever reason never have.

Are you happy being stuck in a household with p r i c k relations that make you unhappy? (Of course I know that answer already).

Do - you- need- them? :idontknow:

I can feel for you mate, because I was once stuck in a house living with my mother and 2 sisters and was treated like a POS because I was a male.

Well I fking showed them. Now they are the ones stuck mooching off each other, b i t c h i n g about each other. I'm so glad I made the decisions to leave.

And yes - it wasn't easy. But each and every road block to leaving I came across I eventually found a way over, around, under or through it.

I haven't looked back since. Well actually I have, but only to remind me what I left behind. I have no regrets to this day about that.

I write this because I feel genuine concern for you and your situation. I wish I could help you. But in reality all I do is offer some well meaning advice.


I really, really would like you to think about my next point. In depth.

When you are laying on your death bed, thinking back on your life, will you regret not making choices that could have possibly changed things for you?
Thanks for having empathy with my current situation, Pug.

I might not be that old, in terms of age, but ah sure as f*ck feel old. :sad:
It’s not been easy having to take on way more responsibility than ya should when yer disabled.

Do I need them? No, if anything, the last year has shown just how much my mother and sisters need me more than I need them. From fixing laptop, to drop everything to help out, to making sure things get done. It’s always me who takes the reigns when it comes to aw that. I guess that’s why ah feel like I haven’t had much of a life? Constantly being bogged down with having to be relied upon.

And the prospect of me leaving home would be easier for me if they’d stop making me feel guilty about it. And see that I’m doing it to get away from having to listen or try and resolve stupid, petty, immature arguments aw the time.

Though, part of me, feels ah’ll git called a selfish ______ for moving out? Not to my face, but once I’m gone. I can just see my older sister going off at my mother. “Huh! Whit did we do? Why? Eh? Whit d’ye mean?”

Of course, on my death bed I’ll regret not making decisions that could’ve changed my life. But only because I allowed myself to be talked outta go through with most of them. Ah mean it’s not been easy living with a parent who, amongst other things, always perceived my independence as a disabled person as a threat to her well-being.

But I’ve always suspected there’s gotta be some resent towards me from both my mother and siblings, because I never fit that stereotype of a disabled person who always needs help doing things. That’s why I’m somewhat dreading the prospect of moving out. Cuz they’ll aw put a negative spin on it, somehow. :eek:h:

The whole “How will me cope?” argument. :crying: Even though my oldest sister reluctantly acknowledged that I’d probably managed okay with minimal support.
 
If only I could piss off somewhere else for Christmas this year. Ah really don’t fancy spending it with ma family. Last year wus tense and awkward enough...
Aye, if I had the money, I would come collect ya, and spend Xmas with just you and me being bro's. Maybe we could belt out some tunes, you being some what proficient on the guitar, and me on the drums. Maybe even collect some of the others, Sarah, Loyalxenite, Mollybegood, just to name a few. More there would be.
Sounds like a great Xmas.. :thumbup:


We can dream huh?

I'm tellin ye, if I ever get the money, thats what we'll be doin.
 
Aye, if I had the money, I would come collect ya, and spend Xmas with just you and me being bro's. Maybe we could belt out some tunes, you being some what proficient on the guitar, and me on the drums.
That’d be cool. But me being proficient on the guitar implies that I know what I’m doing. Which... :lol: I barely even know the notes on the fretboard, never mind all the chords. Diminished and whatever tha f*%k else yer supposed to know when learning music theory. Unless you consider knowing how to the rhythm guitar parts to Metallica’s Creeping Death proficient? :thinking:

Maybe even collect some of the others, Sarah, Loyalxenite, Mollybegood, just to name a few. More there would be.
Sounds like a great Xmas.. :thumbup:


We can dream huh?

I'm tellin ye, if I ever get the money, thats what we'll be doin.
:bigsmile:
 
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