How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
I've got that old sinking feeling I know so well. No matter how hard I bail, I can barely stay afloat, and sooner or later, this ship's headed for the bottom.
Whatever it is, the next step hardly seems worth the effort. I either need to find some help or get a bigger bucket—the confidence and energy to do for myself what I feel unable to do without assistance now—but what difference would it make? Who would notice? Who would care? Only me, I'm afraid, and I'm not sure that's enough.
The sharks are circling, watching, waiting. They will not be disappointed.
Whatever it is, the next step hardly seems worth the effort. I either need to find some help or get a bigger bucket—the confidence and energy to do for myself what I feel unable to do without assistance now—but what difference would it make? Who would notice? Who would care? Only me, I'm afraid, and I'm not sure that's enough.
The sharks are circling, watching, waiting. They will not be disappointed.
theslowesthand
Banned
Oh yes .. its like a secret men's code!
grapevine
Well-known member
Arghh- I shouldn't say this but - I was on anti-depressants when I was in my early 20s and I remember being completely different in the mind. Sure I got euphoria feelings every now and then- but I also got severe mood swings too- I became bipolar from those pills.. completely the opposite of how I was. I also remember having shopping impulses and buying pets here and there lol..
Also got really fat from them too (the pills).
But the things I remember the most from being on anti-depressants was the burning sensation in my thyroid and having issues with nightmares and scary sessions of forgetting how to breathe when laying down sometimes.
This was like in 2000 -
And then, I remember absolutely hating being on them - Im a health nut and anti depressants were not and are still not on my value list.
I went cold turkey on those pills. Overnight and for 1.5 years afterwards I got ticks all the time in my body- j@erky actions when I talked, just from going off those pills and not weaning off of them.
I remember working out by doing gardening in order to sweat and detox out the rest of the chemicals from it in my system as those drugs really burnt my nerves I could feel it. Really toxic stuff.
grapevine
Well-known member
..oh yeah- how am I feeling?
Tired, happy , not happy with feeling overwhelmed with not dealing with my own stuff at the moment - my room is a mess - my car is smoked up with tobacco/cigarete smell intensely - and even tho my partner makes an effort to smoke outside his room- he still smokes inside in the day time and Im still sleeping in that - even when I go to the toliet ( its present in my body) - I can smell tobacco---and that makes me really frustrated as its walking over my boundaries, my values..
and Ive been feeling so ill in my stomach and my throat lately.
Appart from those things I am kinda happy. Tho Ive had bdd lately.
Tired, happy , not happy with feeling overwhelmed with not dealing with my own stuff at the moment - my room is a mess - my car is smoked up with tobacco/cigarete smell intensely - and even tho my partner makes an effort to smoke outside his room- he still smokes inside in the day time and Im still sleeping in that - even when I go to the toliet ( its present in my body) - I can smell tobacco---and that makes me really frustrated as its walking over my boundaries, my values..
and Ive been feeling so ill in my stomach and my throat lately.
Appart from those things I am kinda happy. Tho Ive had bdd lately.
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
This moonless night, humid and warm, is neither so dark nor so heavy as the thoughts in my head.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Not doing that great, lately... Feelin' a bit depressed. :sad:
Louco
Well-known member
Thinking that trying to kill myself is not really a great idea, because what if I fail at this too? I would never try to have a box of pills, cutting my wrists or some other uneffective way like those, but what if against all odds I survive a 10-story building fall with half the bones in my body broken?
defiance
Well-known member
I don't feel real anymore. I have gone through this mental hell so much that I have started feeling numb. When I am not numb then the despair is right there to greet me and if I am lucky i'll go back to feeling numb again. This is merely existing folks as the act of living was forgotten long ago.:sad:
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Mixed feelin', really. Kinda feel numb to everything, if I'm honest. Ah feel this whole year long-recovery process from ma surgery has taken the joy outta going out.
Yet ah huv so many great experiences ahead o' me, when ah go to Edinburgh in a few days. But ah don't feel aw that excited at going. Maybe that'll change nearer the time? :thinking:
For now, I'm just trying to keep outta the way, my sister and her family are here visiting for a few. And I really don't want to be forced intae any small talk, or asked how things huv been for since she last saw me.
Cause, truth be telt, ah huv'nae gave masel' much, if any, time to reflect on how thng have been for me since the start o' 2016.
Yet ah huv so many great experiences ahead o' me, when ah go to Edinburgh in a few days. But ah don't feel aw that excited at going. Maybe that'll change nearer the time? :thinking:
For now, I'm just trying to keep outta the way, my sister and her family are here visiting for a few. And I really don't want to be forced intae any small talk, or asked how things huv been for since she last saw me.
Cause, truth be telt, ah huv'nae gave masel' much, if any, time to reflect on how thng have been for me since the start o' 2016.
defiance
Well-known member
This is something I have given thought to as well. I mean I have had dreams where I have shot myself so I can only imagine that I would use that method in the real world when the time comes. All the other methods scare me because there is a chance that if I use them I might survive and be in worse shape than before.
grapevine
Well-known member
Im sorry.
,,,,,,
mentally and physically exahausted to the point where I know there is a whaling cry inside me from stress overload just waiting to come out. I need a huge big sleep and lots of time to myself- in my own environment to unwind and take stock and then re-build myself backup.
Half living with a guy is tiring.
,,,,,,
mentally and physically exahausted to the point where I know there is a whaling cry inside me from stress overload just waiting to come out. I need a huge big sleep and lots of time to myself- in my own environment to unwind and take stock and then re-build myself backup.
Half living with a guy is tiring.
theslowesthand
Banned
Half living is tiring.
Louco
Well-known member
Unless I used a shotgun, I would kinda be afraid to survive a shot to the head too.
It's like I feel there's this evil god watching over me saying "You are destined to suffer. If you die, we have a problem, since you can't suffer if you are dead."
Louco
Well-known member
I read somewhere from a medical source that a deep cut to the carotid artery, in the neck, makes you faint in like 20 seconds, because the flow of blood to your brain would be interrupted instantly. I wonder why people don't kill themselves like this more often, maybe it's tricky to stab yourself?
I would never hang myself or jump under a train, hanging mess up what's left of your body in a disgusting way and I don't want to give the people working at the station a bad day.
I'm kinda picky. Maybe I don't want to kill myself after all, or I wouldn't mind having my body horribly disfigured after I am not here anymore, or feeling just some more moments of pain instead of a lifetime.
I would never hang myself or jump under a train, hanging mess up what's left of your body in a disgusting way and I don't want to give the people working at the station a bad day.
I'm kinda picky. Maybe I don't want to kill myself after all, or I wouldn't mind having my body horribly disfigured after I am not here anymore, or feeling just some more moments of pain instead of a lifetime.
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
Frustrated and confused. My curiosity and self-interest tell me to do one thing; my cowardice tells me to do something else.
What do you call it when you draw a line that only you can't cross? Determination? What if you build a wall that holds you in as much as it keeps other stuff out? What do you do if you later decide you want (or need) what's on the other side of the line, but you still can't make yourself cross it? Is that obsession, stubbornness, or something else? What once was therapeutic becomes part of the disease; the fortress becomes a prison.
What to do? What to do?
:kickingmyself:
What do you call it when you draw a line that only you can't cross? Determination? What if you build a wall that holds you in as much as it keeps other stuff out? What do you do if you later decide you want (or need) what's on the other side of the line, but you still can't make yourself cross it? Is that obsession, stubbornness, or something else? What once was therapeutic becomes part of the disease; the fortress becomes a prison.
What to do? What to do?
:kickingmyself: