Here's a tip for you

[zav943]

I find that a lot of shy people just answer questions in conversation as-is and, in doing so, can never keep the conversation going. This is all THEIR fault...it has absolutely nothing to do with shyness or SA.

When you're having a conversation with me (or ANYONE really) and I'm asking you a lot of questions, please toss some of these questions back my way. Sometimes I'm asking you that question to segway into an interesting topic. I'm not interrogating you!

You don't need to be a social whiz to know how to ask basic conversation questions.

 

[staticreflex]

I find that a lot of shy people just answer questions in conversation as-is and, in doing so, can never keep the conversation going. This is all THEIR fault...it has absolutely nothing to do with shyness or SA.

When you're having a conversation with me (or ANYONE really) and I'm asking you a lot of questions, please toss some of these questions back my way. Sometimes I'm asking you that questions to segway into an interesting topic. It's not a one-sided interrogation.

You don't need to be a social whiz to know how to ask basic conversation questions.

But it is hard for some of us, I freeze up when I'm in a conversation and do that thing where I'm looking at the person but not really hearing what they said or follow the conversation because I'm so stressed about the situation I'm in. But I am learning more and more as I become comfortable, do you have any specific suggestions or examples that would be helpful?

 

[EasySkanking]

Lol, I understand where you're coming from zav...

But social phobia is beyond crappy social skills. It involves physical limitations as well. I know when Im very nervous in a social situation, sometimes I can't even talk (because of physical chemestry thats happening - panic attacks.) It's a disoder/disease my friend, not just some form of type of lack of skill

 

[dottie]

i've learned how to play the game and shoot back with questions. it is much deeper than making passable small talk. it is truly connecting and gaining respect that i don't know how to do. sometimes if i'm drowning in a wave of panic i freeze up or do things in avoidance as coping mechanisms which just come across as confusing, weird, and sometimes offensive to other people even though that is the last thing i want.

 

[PunkRotten]

What people fail to realize on this site, is SA has nothing to do with your social skills. I wish everyone would get this idea out of their minds. It moreso emotional skills they need. Atleast real sufferers, but I am not so sure everyone here has true SA.

 

[PunkRotten]

And the best thing for everyone to do is stop coming up with theories. This only makes your SA complicated. Life does not have a script.

 

[harlseq]

I think conversation is more than just asking people the same questions they ask you... it entails the ability to connect, crack a joke, and make the person genuinely laugh or feel what you're saying... to make them interested in you and what you have to say on a deeper informal level... both people have to be comfortable with the situation for it to work and when either of the the people are not (as is automatically the case with SA) then the conversation will most likely fail. It's something much more than what you seem to be suggesting.

 

[Kiwong]

To be honest, someone that thinks my anxiety is all my fault, and makes conversation with me difficult, I would not want to talk to in the first place.

Zav943, if you were holding a conversation with me, it is likely that my anxiety would start to irritate you, and you might ask what are you doing that for? To which I wouldn't be able to explain.

 

[Waybuloo]

At times I am geniunely not interested in asking them questions and would just wish they wouldn't talk to me lol.

 

[Lea]

I don't understand this thread much to be honest, my english skill in the way. Just wanted to say, if some person is difficult to speak to, it doesn't necessarily mean they have SA. Sometimes they are just jerks or difficult people, sometimes they are nice but still I find speaking to them difficult. It's just the way they are, their personal style. It may even not be their fault that I find conversation with them difficult, but mine or we are just too different. With some I find the conversation easy or even enjoyable.

 

[Luke1993]

I find that a lot of shy people just answer questions in conversation as-is and, in doing so, can never keep the conversation going. This is all THEIR fault...it has absolutely nothing to do with shyness or SA.

When you're having a conversation with me (or ANYONE really) and I'm asking you a lot of questions, please toss some of these questions back my way. Sometimes I'm asking you that question to segway into an interesting topic. I'm not interrogating you!

You don't need to be a social whiz to know how to ask basic conversation questions.

What questions should I toss back? And coud you list some basic conversation questions "How are you?" and "What did you do last night?" are the only ones I can really think of.

 

[Ignace]

What questions should I toss back? And coud you list some basic conversation questions "How are you?" and "What did you do last night?" are the only ones I can really think of.

It's a good idea to really listen what the other says. It's difficult for me too to toss questions back sometimes. It depends on what you're talking about.

 

[Damaged]

If i get stuck for questions or conversations i just think of something i really like ie films and talk about them non stop as i feel like i have a lot of knowledge about them.
So if some people get stuck for convo i would relate to something you know a lot/passionate about then you can talk about it a lot

 

[Kinetik]

I think a lot of shy people just want to get the conversation over with without looking like an idiot. This doesn't leave a lot of room for the kind of quick, on-your-feet thinking needed for returning questions and keeping a dialogue alive. I notice that feigning interest in people in real life is hard for me. I've been called haughty, arrogant and self-absorbed many times. I guess it's just that I feel most comfortable by myself, so I'm always in a hurry to get to that point.

 

[guessed]

I tend to only have two situations happen

Either I know so little about the topic matter being discussed that I'm unable to even formulate a question.

or

I ask endless questions and the person eventually tells me they feel like they're being interviewed or analyzed.

How to find a happy medium between these extremes?

 

[Richey]

just be yourself even if you are neurotic...say whatever you want or don't say much at all there is nothing wrong with both. shyness is fine, not everyone has to talk for the sake of talking but if they want to then that's ok too.

personally speaking i work with a big group of people two which are very shy and i dont judge them or think twice about it. so i'd like to think most "normal" people would think the same if i was being shy. its nice to talk and have a chat but if you dont feel like speaking and you dont feel very comfortable then that's pretty normal in a work environment or somewhere out of your comfort zone.

people who really bother me are those that always want their voices heard and gossip about other people and judge others in front of me or the staff. i dont really want to hear it and you are projecting information i am not interested in hearing anyway and i don't like sadistic gossip.

biggest problem i have is that i struggle to be funny or to be jokey at work or in a school situation. because i tend to be really self consciouss if someone says something witty to me i never seem to find the words in time to respond properly. its really bad and thats what i need to work on. because i can only imagine it must make me look like i'm too serious or something. although i generally just laugh if i cant think of a response.

 

[zav943]

I think a lot of shy people just want to get the conversation over with without looking like an idiot.

But then how will they ever cure themselves?

I don't have social phobia, but rather, very low self-esteem, and it takes a lot of courage on my my part to walk up and start conversations with people...when it happens that the other person can't talk back to me, it's just really tough for both of us. It makes my self-esteem lower and their shyness as bad as it is or worse.


Examples of questions I ask:

What do you do?
Do you like doing it?
Where do you go for school?
Do you like it?
Is that what you want to do later on?
Why? Why not?
Then maybe I'll ask them about something in their field...so if they study...I dunno astronomy...I'll ask them about the last meteor shower...

Things like that.

Yes, clearly not all of these can be thrown back my way, but some clearly are!

 

[Richey]

But then how will they ever cure themselves?

I don't have social phobia, but rather, very low self-esteem, and it takes a lot of courage on my my part to walk up and start conversations with people...when it happens that the other person can't talk back to me, it's just really tough for both of us. It makes my self-esteem lower and their shyness as bad as it is or worse.


Examples of questions I ask:

What do you do?
Do you like doing it?
Where do you go for school?
Do you like it?
Is that what you want to do later on?
Why? Why not?
Then maybe I'll ask them about something in their field...so if they study...I dunno astronomy...I'll ask them about the last meteor shower...

Things like that.

Yes, clearly not all of these can be thrown back my way, but some clearly are!

i think it depends on the situation, if you are at work and its really intense at work. like i mean the pressure placed on the person may be high so they may just feel awkward multi-tasking then i don't mind if people are not as responsive. but if its in a relaxed more comfortable, social setting then yeh i agree that people could make more of an effort to keep the flow going.