girls... this is a question for you

[Sinar_Matahari]

A lot of men wouldn't mind effing an unintelligent, but attractive woman--but nobody wants a long-term relationship with her. The reason is that the stupid ones are easy to impress. Most men who sleep with dim-witted women admit it, though...

There would have to be something pretty special about a dumb guy for me to feel attracted enough to sleep with him. He'd have to be very good in bed. lol Otherwise, stupidity is a major turn off for me. That is regardless of a person's looks. Question is...how do you find out if someone is good in bed if you haven't already slept with them? I'd never find out because I'd never get to the point where I'd feel attracted enough to a guy to sleep with him in the first place.


I've known guys who remained in relationships with dumb women. I think that some men still have the idea that men are or ought to be smarter than women lest they be emasculated. Of course, not all and maybe not even the majority of guys are like this, but there are some out there who think this way.

In your opinion, what would a dumber woman be easily impressed with that a smarter woman would not be?

 

[Sea Bass]

Nice guys, everywhere:

You are not really being nice if you expect something in return for your nice actions. You are being manipulative.

Girls do not have a hidden attraction switch that they can turn off and on to fall in love with you. If they don't feel it, they don't feel it. And to say they like you just because you're nice when they are not at all attracted to you is not only fake, but wrong.

It would be the equivalent of a gay guy befriending you and being nice to you only to become bitter that you haven't turned gay for them.

So what's your solution? Look around. Lower your standards. There are plenty of nice girls who are compatible with you and who will find you attractive. You just can't stick to that one girl who won't give in like glue, expecting something to change. It won't happen.

How is being nice manipulative? I don't think anyone has the ability to control some one. You can be nice to some one and they can still choose not to like you. One can only influence what some one does, but not control them. If being a "nice guy" is your thing than why not stick with it?

 

[Sial Axetder]

How is being nice manipulative? I don't think anyone has the ability to control some one. You can be nice to some one and they can still choose not to like you. One can only influence what some one does, but not control them. If being a "nice guy" is your thing than why not stick with it?

manipulate: influence or control shrewdly or deviously; "He manipulated public opinion in his favor"

Being nice for selfish rewards could fall under being manipulative.

 

[Sea Bass]

manipulate: influence or control shrewdly or deviously; "He manipulated public opinion in his favor"

Being nice for selfish rewards could fall under being manipulative.

For selfish rewards. Context.

 

[dutchguy]

I've been giving what you wrote some thought and I've come to a conclusion. If there is anything which I find more important and attractive than self-confidence in a man (or woman) it's self-respect.

You know, I've never really thought about self-respect and self-confidence as two separate things, but the more I think about it, it makes sense. I don't know if it's possible to have one without the other though. Do you think someone could have self-respect and still be not confident?

...and while I'm at it, how would you say someone could improve their self-respect?

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

You know, I've never really thought about self-respect and self-confidence as two separate things, but the more I think about it, it makes sense. I don't know if it's possible to have one without the other though. Do you think someone could have self-respect and still be not confident?

...and while I'm at it, how would you say someone could improve their self-respect?

I can't say I'm the most confident of people, but that doesn't mean that I lack self-respect.

Everyone is different so I'm not sure what others could do to improve their self-respect, but I can tell you what I've done and what about myself I respect. One thing that I won't do is allow people who are bad for me to remain in my life. If it so happens that I allow them into my life, I drop them as soon as I realize they're no good for me. I don't allow people to walk all over me, but I also know enough to let things roll off my back if it's in my best interest. Making an honest effort to improve. Another thing I respect about myself is that I've acquired a lot of wisdom over the years and that I'm willing to learn more.

What sort of things do you respect in others? What are the things that you respect about yourself?

 

[Seasons]

I don't think anyone can speak for want women in general want or prefer. It is personal, and apart from that there is also timing. The same person can look for different kinds of people to have a romantic relationship with throughout their lives and the person's history may also have a say in the matter.

I think that there are tones of people out there and it's useless to try to put all of them in one category. The person you're interested in may prefer funny outgoing guys, but I can assure you that there are a lot of girls who prefer a quiet and sweet guy.

Self-respect vs self-confidence, imo:
I agree that they are different things. While both are important I think that self-respect is mainly for ourselves and doesn't always have to be visible to others. It's what makes it possible for us to live with ourselves, have principles, sleep well at night. Sef-confidence is important for ourselves, but is directed at others, make ourselves look/sound good to the surrounding people.

 

[mmmm]

I've been off this site for a few days, so have just read this whole thread in one long sitting. WOW!!! What a topic!

Just want to say upfront that I'm not trying to piss anyone off. This is just my opinion.

Well, the original poster seems to think that all women belong to the same herd of animals and he's not sure whether to wave grass or beef at them to get one to come over.

There are also certain warning signs that are shared by most of the self proclaimed nice guys I have known over the years. They will send a message but they won't just make statements. They will deliberately ask questions because they want a reply. They will say "Don't you hate the heat?" instead of "I hate the heat". And when I don't reply within a timescale that suits them they will send another message asking whether I got that message. Or the really manipulative ones (yes, manipulative. I know some of you don't like that word but it fits) will send a message saying "Oh, I noticed you didn't send a reply to my message and was wondering if everything was okay." This is an instant red flag to me. I mean, if I'm not okay enough to answer your first message within your stipulated time, I'm not going to come out of my coma to reply to your second one. So, what they really want is "oh, I'm so very sorry for worrying you when you are such a NICE GUY." Grrrrr. Nowadays if I receive any message about not replying to first messages (usually on the same day, how needy can you get?), I will stop all contact with that person. I know it seems nasty but I refuse to play games. I know this sounds harsh but it is not just an isolated incident, it is a recurring pattern with guys who call themselves nice and who genuinely seem to believe they are nice. Another common trait is that they will deliberately put themselves into the friend sphere and then treat me like a user when I seem to respond to someone who, while maybe not as nice, has clearly shown their more-than-friend aspiration. Another trait. The nice guy will gladly help me with something I battle with and talk all the time about how he loves helping people in need and people really should help each other more but then when I ask him to help one of my friends with the same thing he will look at me like I am strange.<- I admit, this one only happened with two guys but why not just be honest? "I like helping you because I like you." At least this will give me a chance to be honest and say "I don't like you back" which would protect me from the user tag which I don't believe I deserve.

I would love to say that I have nothing against genuinely nice shy guys but the honest truth is that I have never met one.

I can't speak for all women but what I really want from a guy is integrity. If you are a genuine nice guy, be that guy with everybody, not just with a girl you like until you figure out that she doesn't like you. If you only want to e.g. fix MY car because you like me, say so. Otherwise, show your integrity and genuine nice-guyness by fixing everyone's car, including grumpy old men. This does not mean being a doormat. And it works both ways.I will show my integrity by not complaining when the person whose car you are fixing is a stunning babe who washes her car in a bikini and dries it with her double D's.

Similarly I have nothing against loud guys. Just show me your integrity by being loud with me, your mother, the street-sweeper and not just with all you cool friends when you are trying to impress them.

And I will show my integrity by being equally awkward with everyone I meet.

 

[Remus]

That has to be the post of the week mmmm

(and I'm not being nice)

 

[Kiwong]

mmmm.......

 

[mint]

Funny, I read through this topic and was reminded a lot of one of my exes. He was quite the self-proclaimed nice guy, but he also took pride in being a jerk to anyone who he wasn't interested in dating. He won me over with the nice guy routine though. Eventually he turned jealous, not the good I-don't-like-other-guys-hitting-on-you-jealous, but the I-hate-when-you-hang-out-with-your-friends jealous. I was clueless at the time but that should have been a red flag. His true colors starting showing after that and I discovered he wasn't really so nice at all. What really gets me is what happened after we broke up. I tried my best to stay friends with him so as not to break up our little group of mutual friends. One day a girl who was friends with both of us got angry at me, I said something stupid but it was no big deal. She apologized soon after, but not before venting to my ex. So he, being a self-proclaimed nice guy, decided to butt in and help the situation by more or less giving me a list of my imperfections and why they upset people. To top it off while he was sending me this he updated his facebook status to something of the effect of "I'm so sick of always being the nice guy"
I wanted to respond with "It's not being nice when you're reluctant to help people who don't even ask for it and then you complain about it."
I didn't say it. I kind of wish I had.

It's not all bad though. My current boyfriend is genuinely nice to me and he doesn't expect anything from it. He acts that way only because he cares, and he shows he cares by not just being nice but being...I'm not sure this is the right word but real.

It's still crazy to me how easy it is for someone to pretend to be a certain way the whole time they are dating someone. I'd just advise everyone to be careful when you're dating, there are usually clear signs. There really are nice people out there, and there are less nice but still genuine people out there. Don't let the deceivers ruin things for you.

 

[mmmm]

That has to be the post of the week mmmm

(and I'm not being nice)

Thanks He-man!

 

[AGR]

What I learned is to not take anyones opinion,I will give one example,girls saying they dont like guys "pretending" being friends just because they like them,but the truth they dont like this in this situation because they dont like the guy,I have seen a lot of guys being friends first,in fact most sucesseful(not in my mind,sucess to me would be to find your mate for life) guys do this, they have a lot of female friends who usually they will have sex later,the difference of this guy with the first is that he was successful by most people standards,so people/girls overlook,but he is doing the same thing,I even had one guy saying if I wanted girls the best way is to make a lot of female friends,if you dont have sex with them you will with their other friends,so in my experience,just to not generalise,its best to take anyones advice with a grain of salt.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I've been off this site for a few days, so have just read this whole thread in one long sitting. WOW!!! What a topic!

Just want to say upfront that I'm not trying to piss anyone off. This is just my opinion.

Well, the original poster seems to think that all women belong to the same herd of animals and he's not sure whether to wave grass or beef at them to get one to come over.

There are also certain warning signs that are shared by most of the self proclaimed nice guys I have known over the years. They will send a message but they won't just make statements. They will deliberately ask questions because they want a reply. They will say "Don't you hate the heat?" instead of "I hate the heat".

I know what you mean. When I went back to work after the holidays, the first thing one of my colleagues said to me was "Did you have a nice Christmas?". Notice the question? He didn't say "I had a nice Christmas." He deliberately phrased it as a question, thereby making me extremely uncomfortable. I hate when people do that.

And when I don't reply within a timescale that suits them they will send another message asking whether I got that message. Or the really manipulative ones (yes, manipulative. I know some of you don't like that word but it fits) will send a message saying "Oh, I noticed you didn't send a reply to my message and was wondering if everything was okay." This is an instant red flag to me. I mean, if I'm not okay enough to answer your first message within your stipulated time, I'm not going to come out of my coma to reply to your second one. So, what they really want is "oh, I'm so very sorry for worrying you when you are such a NICE GUY." Grrrrr. Nowadays if I receive any message about not replying to first messages (usually on the same day, how needy can you get?), I will stop all contact with that person. I know it seems nasty but I refuse to play games.

Oh I quite agree. If there's one thing I loathe it's people trying to manipulate me into conversations. Why can't they just leave me the hell alone??

I would love to say that I have nothing against genuinely nice shy guys but the honest truth is that I have never met one.

I can't speak for all women but what I really want from a guy is integrity. If you are a genuine nice guy, be that guy with everybody, not just with a girl you like until you figure out that she doesn't like you.

Well I do try to be a nice guy with everyone, although I probably don't manage it as often as I like. I do try though. Like the guy who asked me about how my Christmas was? I wanted to punch him in the face, but of course I didn't. I smiled and was nice, and actually managed to ask him how his Christmas was. Even when someone does me wrong, I try to turn the other cheek. I'm not saying I'm like Jesus (that's for other people to say) but, you know, I do try.

And I will show my integrity by being equally awkward with everyone I meet.

Absolutely! That's exactly how I am too. I just don't understand why other people can't sense my awkwardness (it must be obvious to them!) and show me the respect of leaving me alone. But no. It's all questions, and veiled attempts at conversations. ::

 

[Kiwong]

It's threads like this that make me want to move to an island. An unihabitated island, as far from the complicated world of relationships as possible.

Male, female, we're all as dysfunctional as one another. No ones perfect, so why bother?

Fortunately no one appears interested in me. But if they were I probably have to say I'm not nice. I have a mental illness, I'm angry, sad, fearful depressed, I can't even hold eye contact when I talk to someone and I don't know the first thing about relationships, having nver been in one. I have lots of fear and failings if I was to ener into a relationship. So I'm not trying, I'm not selling anyone faulty goods.

To be honest, I'm having too much fun doing the things I love to do. I ask myself do I really want to share that with anyone? The answer is no. It's ten years since I last watsed time worrying about this romantic stuff, and I don't miss it much.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I've been off this site for a few days, so have just read this whole thread in one long sitting. WOW!!! What a topic!
..~..
There are also certain warning signs that are shared by most of the self proclaimed nice guys I have known over the years. They will send a message but they won't just make statements. They will deliberately ask questions because they want a reply. They will say "Don't you hate the heat?" instead of "I hate the heat". And when I don't reply within a timescale that suits them they will send another message asking whether I got that message. Or the really manipulative ones (yes, manipulative. I know some of you don't like that word but it fits) will send a message saying "Oh, I noticed you didn't send a reply to my message and was wondering if everything was okay." This is an instant red flag to me. I mean, if I'm not okay enough to answer your first message within your stipulated time, I'm not going to come out of my coma to reply to your second one. So, what they really want is "oh, I'm so very sorry for worrying you when you are such a NICE GUY." Grrrrr. Nowadays if I receive any message about not replying to first messages (usually on the same day, how needy can you get?), I will stop all contact with that person. I know it seems nasty but I refuse to play games. I know this sounds harsh but it is not just an isolated incident, it is a recurring pattern with guys who call themselves nice and who genuinely seem to believe they are nice. Another common trait is that they will deliberately put themselves into the friend sphere and then treat me like a user when I seem to respond to someone who, while maybe not as nice, has clearly shown their more-than-friend aspiration. Another trait. The nice guy will gladly help me with something I battle with and talk all the time about how he loves helping people in need and people really should help each other more but then when I ask him to help one of my friends with the same thing he will look at me like I am strange.<- I admit, this one only happened with two guys but why not just be honest? "I like helping you because I like you." At least this will give me a chance to be honest and say "I don't like you back" which would protect me from the user tag which I don't believe I deserve.

I would love to say that I have nothing against genuinely nice shy guys but the honest truth is that I have never met one.
..~..

Seems to make sense. Would like to say it puts myself into a better mind state. Not correct. Paranoid I already am, more so now. To ask any question... via message is wrong? Manipulative(?).

Hmm, Perhaps I misread, I am misunderstanding and am outside of context? Which I am a lot. I do try to comprehend.

I ask a lot of questions, apparently manipulative am I? Am I wrong to ask a geniune question? I am interested in an answer, annoy one to do so I do not.

Wrong, I can makes sense of wrong.

What is right? A temporary construct of my feable human intellect, an illusion masking a world chaotic. Reality, realization, nothing is right and nothing is win.

Ah, yes, I think I am not making sense. I have fallen off the rocker, gone insane I think. I can count numbers.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I've been off this site for a few days, so have just read this whole thread in one long sitting. WOW!!! What a topic!

Just want to say upfront that I'm not trying to piss anyone off. This is just my opinion.

Well, the original poster seems to think that all women belong to the same herd of animals and he's not sure whether to wave grass or beef at them to get one to come over.

There are also certain warning signs that are shared by most of the self proclaimed nice guys I have known over the years. They will send a message but they won't just make statements. They will deliberately ask questions because they want a reply. They will say "Don't you hate the heat?" instead of "I hate the heat". And when I don't reply within a timescale that suits them they will send another message asking whether I got that message. Or the really manipulative ones (yes, manipulative. I know some of you don't like that word but it fits) will send a message saying "Oh, I noticed you didn't send a reply to my message and was wondering if everything was okay." This is an instant red flag to me. I mean, if I'm not okay enough to answer your first message within your stipulated time, I'm not going to come out of my coma to reply to your second one. So, what they really want is "oh, I'm so very sorry for worrying you when you are such a NICE GUY." Grrrrr. Nowadays if I receive any message about not replying to first messages (usually on the same day, how needy can you get?), I will stop all contact with that person. I know it seems nasty but I refuse to play games. I know this sounds harsh but it is not just an isolated incident, it is a recurring pattern with guys who call themselves nice and who genuinely seem to believe they are nice. Another common trait is that they will deliberately put themselves into the friend sphere and then treat me like a user when I seem to respond to someone who, while maybe not as nice, has clearly shown their more-than-friend aspiration. Another trait. The nice guy will gladly help me with something I battle with and talk all the time about how he loves helping people in need and people really should help each other more but then when I ask him to help one of my friends with the same thing he will look at me like I am strange.<- I admit, this one only happened with two guys but why not just be honest? "I like helping you because I like you." At least this will give me a chance to be honest and say "I don't like you back" which would protect me from the user tag which I don't believe I deserve.

I would love to say that I have nothing against genuinely nice shy guys but the honest truth is that I have never met one.

I can't speak for all women but what I really want from a guy is integrity. If you are a genuine nice guy, be that guy with everybody, not just with a girl you like until you figure out that she doesn't like you. If you only want to e.g. fix MY car because you like me, say so. Otherwise, show your integrity and genuine nice-guyness by fixing everyone's car, including grumpy old men. This does not mean being a doormat. And it works both ways.I will show my integrity by not complaining when the person whose car you are fixing is a stunning babe who washes her car in a bikini and dries it with her double D's.

Similarly I have nothing against loud guys. Just show me your integrity by being loud with me, your mother, the street-sweeper and not just with all you cool friends when you are trying to impress them.

And I will show my integrity by being equally awkward with everyone I meet.

Everyone seems to agree with you, which really surprises me. I don't agree at all. The only part I agree with is the part in bold lol.

I understand your point about guys being manipulative when they are nice to you because they want you, and if you make it clear that you are not interested, you are therefor considered as a user b****. Some guys are like this, yes. This is being falsely nice. However, some guys will just take some distance because they are hurt everytime they see you knowing now that you don't like them. There is a huge difference.

I totally disagree when you say that asking question to make the conversation is being manipulative. I mean, what??? Coming from someone with SA? It's just an attempt to start a conversation. People are bored. They like to talk. They like to have contact with other human beings. They think we are the same. They have no clue we don't like to talk and we just want to be alone with our thoughts. If they go with a statement, they know the person may not know what to answer. They are trying to give you a chance to keep the conversation going. If they keep asking question, I think "wow, this person has no conversation skill and this conversation is getting boring". There is no way I will think that I'm being manipulated. If so, you give manipulation a very large meaning.

As for here, when someone write again to ask if you received the msg or something, don't forget that you are on SPW and people can get paranoid and feel rejected very easily. This is a support group.

Also, how could one be that honest as saying " I like to help you because I like you"? Would YOU say that to a guy you like? Yes, they are trying to help you because they like you. They might not want to fix EVERYONE's car. Fixing a car takes time. The guy could be willing to fix your car, his best friend's car, his mom's car... Now he has to find the time and energy to fix everyone's car in order to be faithful to his integrity?

I know what you mean. When I went back to work after the holidays, the first thing one of my colleagues said to me was "Did you have a nice Christmas?". Notice the question? He didn't say "I had a nice Christmas." He deliberately phrased it as a question, thereby making me extremely uncomfortable. I hate when people do that.



Oh I quite agree. If there's one thing I loathe it's people trying to manipulate me into conversations. Why can't they just leave me the hell alone??



Well I do try to be a nice guy with everyone, although I probably don't manage it as often as I like. I do try though. Like the guy who asked me about how my Christmas was? I wanted to punch him in the face, but of course I didn't. I smiled and was nice, and actually managed to ask him how his Christmas was. Even when someone does me wrong, I try to turn the other cheek. I'm not saying I'm like Jesus (that's for other people to say) but, you know, I do try.



Absolutely! That's exactly how I am too. I just don't understand why other people can't sense my awkwardness (it must be obvious to them!) and show me the respect of leaving me alone. But no. It's all questions, and veiled attempts at conversations. ::

What?? I mean f***, can't you guys give people a chance? They don't KNOW you don't like to talk, that's why they think they are being nice by trying to make the conversation. If you're not happy just say that you hate talking and you like to be alone. They will leave you alone.

sorry if I sound pissed off but I hate when people are mad to others because they expect them to read their mind. It seems to me that people are being very complicated about very simple things.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

Everyone seems to agree with you, which really surprises me. I don't agree at all. The only part I agree with is the part in bold lol.

I can certainly agree about the bolded part, and the rest I'm mixed on.

I totally disagree when you say that asking question to make the conversation is being manipulative. I mean, what??? Coming from someone with SA? It's just an attempt to start a conversation. People are bored. They like to talk. They like to have contact with other human beings. They think we are the same. They have no clue we don't like to talk and we just want to be alone with our thoughts. If they go with a statement, they know the person may not know what to answer. They are trying to give you a chance to keep the conversation going. If they keep asking question, I think "wow, this person has no conversation skill and this conversation is getting boring". There is no way I will think that I'm being manipulated. If so, you give manipulation a very large meaning.

I was thinking much the same. When Rembrandt and mmmm agreed so strongly on this I was wondering if I'd missed something.

As for here, when someone write again to ask if you received the msg or something, don't forget that you are on SPW and people can get paranoid and feel rejected very easily. This is a support group.

Well, what I've seen frequently that bothers me is that a guy will message a girl and become angry if she doesn't message him back, or doesn't message him back soon enough. Not only do people sometimes not get a message or are sometimes too busy, people have the right not to respond, especially here.

Also, how could one be that honest as saying " I like to help you because I like you"? Would YOU say that to a guy you like? Yes, they are trying to help you because they like you. They might not want to fix EVERYONE's car. Fixing a car takes time. The guy could be willing to fix your car, his best friend's car, his mom's car... Now he has to find the time and energy to fix everyone's car in order to be faithful to his integrity?

Agreed. I think most people are likely to be nicer to someone if they like them. That doesn't mean they're necessarily being manipulative or false, and it's not the same as pretending to be a nicer and/or different person altogether. I also think most of us would like the person who we like and likes us to be nicer to us than to most people.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Ah, NWP, Pacific --> makes sense. I can't seem to find anything to argue against.

 

[mmmm]

Just want to say upfront that I'm not trying to piss anyone off. This is just my opinion.

This part of my post didn't receive as much attention as the rest.

don't forget that you are on SPW and people can get paranoid and feel rejected very easily. This is a support group.

I didn't forget it for one second. Please believe me. That is why, instead of making a bunch of cut paste quotes of all the posts that didn't quite fit in with my ideals, I took a little extra time to post my own, freestanding opinion. All of the instances mentioned were from my own experiences and examples were clearly marked as such. If your opinion is different to mine why not let it stand as an argument on its own with your own experiences as examples instead of pointing out everything that you think is wrong with the conclusions other people have drawn. Or does your above quote apply to some people and not others? (Oh, yeah, I asked a question).


Anyway, to show I have no hard feelings. If you're keen, I know a bunch of guys you might be interested in.