Escape's Journal.
- Thread starter EscapeArtist
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Aww, that is sooo great about hugging your sis and being there for the other sis too!!
And beautiful imagery about the dolphin, indeed!!
King swing sounds fun, lol!! It would be better to do it in the summer though!! (Rivers can get frozen or freezing cold in Winter!!)
I wanted to go bungee jumping too when I was younger, didn't in the end.. (others were too scared he he..) Now I feel a bit 'too old' and well, I read about some possible health risks..
I think your mom really needs a therapist too. On her own time. Either your therapist or someone else entirely, that is up for debate I guess, and maybe worth to discuss with a professional or research.
You both need your own time and support I guess... And maybe some time together..
A friend of mine who did learning support with low-income kids in primary school said often the moms needed more help (=talk, therapy, education...) than the kids..
It's great you and mom went to a parenting class together!! How was it?
It was very healing for the whole family here to watch TV series like Nanny 911 or such together.. learning lots of significant and important things..
Thanks for mentioning that other thing: orthorexia, goodness, lol - well, I'll google it up and look into it too.. (It's probably what my sis thinks I might have too, though she doesn't know a name for it...)
Sis and I had a good moment the other night too.. She said, 'Oh did you watch (Korean drama)?' I said: 'Yes, it's the drama I've been telling you about for 3 months!!' She really loved it, lol!
Wishing you good moments and lots of healing ahead.
And beautiful imagery about the dolphin, indeed!!
King swing sounds fun, lol!! It would be better to do it in the summer though!! (Rivers can get frozen or freezing cold in Winter!!)
I wanted to go bungee jumping too when I was younger, didn't in the end.. (others were too scared he he..) Now I feel a bit 'too old' and well, I read about some possible health risks..
I think your mom really needs a therapist too. On her own time. Either your therapist or someone else entirely, that is up for debate I guess, and maybe worth to discuss with a professional or research.
You both need your own time and support I guess... And maybe some time together..
A friend of mine who did learning support with low-income kids in primary school said often the moms needed more help (=talk, therapy, education...) than the kids..
It's great you and mom went to a parenting class together!! How was it?
It was very healing for the whole family here to watch TV series like Nanny 911 or such together.. learning lots of significant and important things..
Thanks for mentioning that other thing: orthorexia, goodness, lol - well, I'll google it up and look into it too.. (It's probably what my sis thinks I might have too, though she doesn't know a name for it...)
Sis and I had a good moment the other night too.. She said, 'Oh did you watch (Korean drama)?' I said: 'Yes, it's the drama I've been telling you about for 3 months!!' She really loved it, lol!
Wishing you good moments and lots of healing ahead.
Hey honey!!
Don't give the therapist time to your mother!! Have her get into the procedure and get one herself!! Ask your therapist what could be possible!!
Where I live there are free therapy options, sometimes there is a waiting list!! At worst, have her sign up on a waiting list!!
You are not your mother's mom, don't baby her!!
It may be true that you might be the more mature one here in some aspects, have her experience some doing-things, it might even be helpful for her!!
You had to go into a procedure and get the therapist time too, no?
It's really noble you'd even consider giving her the time, what would that give you then? Martyrdom? Don't do the mistakes of many many moms who 'sacrifice' for their kids and then resent them for it!! (like my mom) You know you'd resent it, you'd hate it..
You're just angry at your therapist right now somewhat perhaps too..?
Know that you and mom have put her in a difficult situation and maybe she didn't know what to do or what to say either... Some people don't do well with conflicts (I am one of those). I might have said something just to placate people too, and be seen as 'siding' with one or the other...
Also, what you need is a massage class!! Are there any courses near you? Perhaps you could even get accreditation?
A friend of mine did this, in London, when she was alone and feeling lonely and needing some human touch... She is now a licensed maseuse and she says it felt real good!!
She has also met some cool people at events like that!! (There are special forms of massage workshops later on too!!)
What you are feeling is 'drained up'. You were the source of consolation to your sisters, to your mom... You are not a 'neverending supply' of energy, you need to recharge!!
Also, why do you have an exercise-free day? If you want to exercise and it's a beautiful day, go out and have fun!!
Go get the neighbours' doggie or volunteer at an animal shelter (those doggies sooo want to be walked!) or something!
((hugs)) be brave, beautiful little pixie!!
You may not feel beautiful, but that doesn't mean everyone else doesn't think you are!! (I was feeling ugly lots of the time when I was basically feeling bad/unhappy/guilty.. I was just the always-yelled-at-one!! always-criticised-one!! one of, okay... mom criticised everyone else too.. she called the wall 'ugly' when one of us hit it - how is a wall to blame for anything, if a person is clumsy, mind you??)
So your feeling ugly may be completely irrational... (Later on, someone said, 'You and your sis, like models' and I was like 'Whoa?' but that's how other people saw us at a time when we were deeply miserable with how we looked etc. Perspective.)
I bet you and your sisters are really beautiful too!!
Don't give the therapist time to your mother!! Have her get into the procedure and get one herself!! Ask your therapist what could be possible!!
Where I live there are free therapy options, sometimes there is a waiting list!! At worst, have her sign up on a waiting list!!
You are not your mother's mom, don't baby her!!
It may be true that you might be the more mature one here in some aspects, have her experience some doing-things, it might even be helpful for her!!
You had to go into a procedure and get the therapist time too, no?
It's really noble you'd even consider giving her the time, what would that give you then? Martyrdom? Don't do the mistakes of many many moms who 'sacrifice' for their kids and then resent them for it!! (like my mom) You know you'd resent it, you'd hate it..
You're just angry at your therapist right now somewhat perhaps too..?
Know that you and mom have put her in a difficult situation and maybe she didn't know what to do or what to say either... Some people don't do well with conflicts (I am one of those). I might have said something just to placate people too, and be seen as 'siding' with one or the other...
Also, what you need is a massage class!! Are there any courses near you? Perhaps you could even get accreditation?
A friend of mine did this, in London, when she was alone and feeling lonely and needing some human touch... She is now a licensed maseuse and she says it felt real good!!
She has also met some cool people at events like that!! (There are special forms of massage workshops later on too!!)
What you are feeling is 'drained up'. You were the source of consolation to your sisters, to your mom... You are not a 'neverending supply' of energy, you need to recharge!!
Also, why do you have an exercise-free day? If you want to exercise and it's a beautiful day, go out and have fun!!
Go get the neighbours' doggie or volunteer at an animal shelter (those doggies sooo want to be walked!) or something!
((hugs)) be brave, beautiful little pixie!!
You may not feel beautiful, but that doesn't mean everyone else doesn't think you are!! (I was feeling ugly lots of the time when I was basically feeling bad/unhappy/guilty.. I was just the always-yelled-at-one!! always-criticised-one!! one of, okay... mom criticised everyone else too.. she called the wall 'ugly' when one of us hit it - how is a wall to blame for anything, if a person is clumsy, mind you??)
So your feeling ugly may be completely irrational... (Later on, someone said, 'You and your sis, like models' and I was like 'Whoa?' but that's how other people saw us at a time when we were deeply miserable with how we looked etc. Perspective.)
I bet you and your sisters are really beautiful too!!
Sometimes I feel exactly the same way (if i understand you correctly)! I hate myself, so people who i feel are allot like me i dont want to be friends with. These are often people who lack social skills and handle it the way i do. Also sometimes i feel that i want to be friends with someone who is the opposite of me (not social anxious and nicer than me
). But these people i look up to. They make me feel "less" and not interesting, so i can't be with them either. That leaves me without any friends, because i don't settle for the "worse" (eventhough that doesn't exist) and am scared for the "better". But now i am writing this it is so hard to rationalize this feeling, because actually it doesn't make any sense. I think these are just thoughts that pop up because we have problems connecting to other people because we are socially anxious and that is depressing.Lately i think of it differently. Like at my work. There is this girl who i like, but she is very distant to me. Not that she is not nice, but i can feel she is very uncomfortable around me. Normally this would make me feel really bad and it could get me way down. But i know that when i'm not anxious and feel comfortable i'm a different person. So practically i blame it on my anxiety (and/or depressoin) and don't let it get to me as much anymore. This makes me feel way less depressed and less uncomfortable.
I strongly believe that when I feel comfortable, have more confidence and don't have any anxious thoughts other people will be less distant and feel closer to me. There are days that i feel confident and people automaticly start talking to me or smile at me, whether when im not nobody does. If its in the train or in the supermarket, it doesn't matter. This also counts for you (and everyone else). I mean, here you are feeling comfortable and you are smart, funny and sweet. Many people read and reply to your journals so i''m not the only one who thinks that. I know many people who have a huge social life but are not nearly as nice as you, but just because they are confident about themselfs they connect with others. So as long as you are not anxiety free in social situations blame it on the anxiety and the lack of confidence. Don't let it get to you. Accept that you have SA and just work on your recovery (like you were still doing yesterday) I have good hopes for you
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Escape, can you get a free doctor where you live? Doesn't Canada have free health care? Do you have your own doctor? Can you go with a bus?
I think it would be really good if you got tested, at least you would know if it's celiac or something else.. And people on celiac forums say it can be inconclusive even with the tests.. and you don't even have to tell your mom you got tested, do you? (Not sure what it's like over there?) If there's a waiting list you may be legally of age before the test anyway... (So in case if it's negative she wouldn't rub it in-?)
It's possible to get sensitive to other things too, if you eat too much of them.. maybe you were eating too much of some stuff..
I'm afraid to get an appointment too, but I will if you will
palpitations, cramping, headache - could be magnesium deficiency, do you eat any leafy greens like lettuce etc? do you have a list with magnesium rich food?
Can you do some of the shopping if mom only buys 'junk food'...?
Can you maybe even get some part time work to help pay for food?
(Often, cheapest food can be 'junk food', so even if your mom wanted to buy better maybe she's afraid it would be too expensive? Or that she wouldn't get enough in quantity to feed you all?
Could you go shopping with her or google up the prices? and maybe make a budget/food list together with sisters and mom?)
Pixies can be of all shapes and colors... You don't have to be a prescripted size to have charm and charisma (which you do!!)
I'm also thinking that maybe you're partly also thinking about the food to avoid other things (I was like that a week or two ago..) like school etc? Even if you're slightly on the 'stronger' side, with a lot of exercise you need nutrition.. However avocados have quite some fat, so if you wanted to keep or lose weight maybe you could eat less of them (like maybe 1/2 or 1/3 instead of a whole one?) if you eat really a lot? And get E-vitamin and calories elsewhere? You do need to replace with something else that is also nutritious and good..
Take care!!
I think it would be really good if you got tested, at least you would know if it's celiac or something else.. And people on celiac forums say it can be inconclusive even with the tests.. and you don't even have to tell your mom you got tested, do you? (Not sure what it's like over there?) If there's a waiting list you may be legally of age before the test anyway... (So in case if it's negative she wouldn't rub it in-?)
It's possible to get sensitive to other things too, if you eat too much of them.. maybe you were eating too much of some stuff..
I'm afraid to get an appointment too, but I will if you will
palpitations, cramping, headache - could be magnesium deficiency, do you eat any leafy greens like lettuce etc? do you have a list with magnesium rich food?
Can you do some of the shopping if mom only buys 'junk food'...?
Can you maybe even get some part time work to help pay for food?
(Often, cheapest food can be 'junk food', so even if your mom wanted to buy better maybe she's afraid it would be too expensive? Or that she wouldn't get enough in quantity to feed you all?
Could you go shopping with her or google up the prices? and maybe make a budget/food list together with sisters and mom?)
Pixies can be of all shapes and colors... You don't have to be a prescripted size to have charm and charisma (which you do!!)
I'm also thinking that maybe you're partly also thinking about the food to avoid other things (I was like that a week or two ago..) like school etc? Even if you're slightly on the 'stronger' side, with a lot of exercise you need nutrition.. However avocados have quite some fat, so if you wanted to keep or lose weight maybe you could eat less of them (like maybe 1/2 or 1/3 instead of a whole one?) if you eat really a lot? And get E-vitamin and calories elsewhere? You do need to replace with something else that is also nutritious and good..
Take care!!
It's understandable- but at the same time quite ridicules how much the words ''eduction'', ''job'' and ''money'' are mentioned within the same sentence that also contains the word ''life''. In essence, a human that completes its natural course (walking, talking and defense) is not good enough for the world anymore. I see education as sort of a firmware update for people. Society, in this instance, being the anal computer system that keeps requiring you to update so that you remain compatible with it. Which I find odd, shouldn't be the other way around? Somewhere along the way we fell slaves of our own systems.
I got my high school diploma, and they still require me to follow yet another course to get, what they call; ''a starters qualification''. See? There's the firmware update analogy again. The 15 years of education I had wasn't even good enough to get my life started. Uh, But I digress, sorry.
I'd say take all the time you need. That's the fun thing about having a conscious mind; that you can make your own decisions/plans/methods. Even though many are reluctant to do so. If you want to drop out and (perhaps) continue with it later, you should definitely do so if that makes you happy/happier. :3
I got my high school diploma, and they still require me to follow yet another course to get, what they call; ''a starters qualification''. See? There's the firmware update analogy again. The 15 years of education I had wasn't even good enough to get my life started. Uh, But I digress, sorry.
I'd say take all the time you need. That's the fun thing about having a conscious mind; that you can make your own decisions/plans/methods. Even though many are reluctant to do so. If you want to drop out and (perhaps) continue with it later, you should definitely do so if that makes you happy/happier. :3
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Oh gosh!! Your mom sounds even worse than mine... (Though my folks have worried of artsy me sleeping under bridges or such too...)
You must know that school and 'getting a job' is a whole 'raison'd'etre' (reason for living) for many of the parents..
They think they are 'good parents' if you do things 'by the book', and if you fail somewhere, it's 'their failure'.. and they worry about it..
And they don't understand life is different nowadays, in many things.. There's not such job security as there was when they were young...
You must also understand about the pressure and the comparison.. These retired chicks have grandkids and kids at work, and even actively pressure my Mom, 'Hey, tell your kids to get you grandkids too' or such!! (and that's even some of the nicest ones!!)
Does your Mom work? Or is she 'just at home', with time enough to obsess about you three? I think she needs a part-time job or volunteering too!! (Though not something involving too much time/effort, cause that can create lack of balance too.. my mom sometimes 'escapes' into volunteering.. and then rants at us even more, so just a warning..)
You could even look for jobs together?
And maybe you could inquire about her interests, what she likes to do, and see if there's something all of you girls would like to do together? (Maybe something more creative/artsy, like making or writing greeting cards or snowflakes for decoration or...?) What does she like to do? What did she like to do when she was younger? Could you make hairstyles for each other or perform 'massage' or something?
If you were 'the smartest one', they may have certain expectations of you. And yup, this sucks.. (They had huge expectations of me too, may still have...)
Expect to either work or study, or live elsewhere. (Not within their reach.) And think about how you can afford this, see what jobs and what wages people can get without high school or with only finished high school..?
Trouble with not getting education these days is that it would only give you access to low-level jobs: are you comfortable with cleaning or McDonalds or waitressing or such? For how many years?
Are there any other good jobs or career/$$$ you can get for doing things you'd be okay with doing, without even finished high school?
The other option is marrying someone rich, or going to live in a commune or something.. But even in some communes, they want people who can contribute financially and/or have careers...
There is a lot of gifted/highly intelligent kids and especially girls who 'drop out'... in a way this is such a shame.. Ideally education would be about learning how to think and expand horizons and do informal networking so you can change the world better and more easily!! (with help of interesting others)
Maybe you can do something about that? Have you found that book for gifted kids yet? Gives some ideas/suggestions.. I wish I had read it before, in primary school already.. I was soo bored through much of the schooling too.. For college/uni it does depend what you choose to study though!!
It sounds like your mom might have mood disorders too? In that case, just point out you got'em from her? (Sometimes it helps if I point similarities like that to my folks.)
Sorry to hear she badmouthed you in front of sis. That's really, ugh.. frustrating, I guess.. Has your mom signed up for a therapist yet?
You could also discuss this with your therapist, maybe she can talk some sense into your mom.
I also wouldn't hug her and such if she behaved badly. Some 'carrot' and 'stick' principle - reward good behavior and withdraw from bad behavior? Your mom now probably thinks she can get away with anything? (My parents hate it if I go away, then usually behave better next time though...)
My mom is a bit obsessed about cleaning the kitchen too, I kinda understand her.. It's one area where she can seem to have some control.. Although she has such high standards that usually we don't clean well enough, unless really trying hard.. And sometimes (if I was angry at them or such) I just didn't want to bother.. This usually only made things worse then, so hmm..
When I had a job/was studying she didn't obsess about the kitchen etc so much.. (Word of warning, lol..)
Great to hear about the volunteering!! Yup, new bus routes/places can give me some anxiety too.. Then usually things go well, lol!! So wishing you that things go well too!!
You must know that school and 'getting a job' is a whole 'raison'd'etre' (reason for living) for many of the parents..
They think they are 'good parents' if you do things 'by the book', and if you fail somewhere, it's 'their failure'.. and they worry about it..
And they don't understand life is different nowadays, in many things.. There's not such job security as there was when they were young...
You must also understand about the pressure and the comparison.. These retired chicks have grandkids and kids at work, and even actively pressure my Mom, 'Hey, tell your kids to get you grandkids too' or such!! (and that's even some of the nicest ones!!)
Does your Mom work? Or is she 'just at home', with time enough to obsess about you three? I think she needs a part-time job or volunteering too!! (Though not something involving too much time/effort, cause that can create lack of balance too.. my mom sometimes 'escapes' into volunteering.. and then rants at us even more, so just a warning..)
You could even look for jobs together?
And maybe you could inquire about her interests, what she likes to do, and see if there's something all of you girls would like to do together? (Maybe something more creative/artsy, like making or writing greeting cards or snowflakes for decoration or...?) What does she like to do? What did she like to do when she was younger? Could you make hairstyles for each other or perform 'massage' or something?
If you were 'the smartest one', they may have certain expectations of you. And yup, this sucks.. (They had huge expectations of me too, may still have...)
Expect to either work or study, or live elsewhere. (Not within their reach.) And think about how you can afford this, see what jobs and what wages people can get without high school or with only finished high school..?
Trouble with not getting education these days is that it would only give you access to low-level jobs: are you comfortable with cleaning or McDonalds or waitressing or such? For how many years?
Are there any other good jobs or career/$$$ you can get for doing things you'd be okay with doing, without even finished high school?
The other option is marrying someone rich, or going to live in a commune or something.. But even in some communes, they want people who can contribute financially and/or have careers...
There is a lot of gifted/highly intelligent kids and especially girls who 'drop out'... in a way this is such a shame.. Ideally education would be about learning how to think and expand horizons and do informal networking so you can change the world better and more easily!! (with help of interesting others)
Maybe you can do something about that? Have you found that book for gifted kids yet? Gives some ideas/suggestions.. I wish I had read it before, in primary school already.. I was soo bored through much of the schooling too.. For college/uni it does depend what you choose to study though!!
It sounds like your mom might have mood disorders too? In that case, just point out you got'em from her? (Sometimes it helps if I point similarities like that to my folks.)
Sorry to hear she badmouthed you in front of sis. That's really, ugh.. frustrating, I guess.. Has your mom signed up for a therapist yet?
You could also discuss this with your therapist, maybe she can talk some sense into your mom.
I also wouldn't hug her and such if she behaved badly. Some 'carrot' and 'stick' principle - reward good behavior and withdraw from bad behavior? Your mom now probably thinks she can get away with anything? (My parents hate it if I go away, then usually behave better next time though...)
My mom is a bit obsessed about cleaning the kitchen too, I kinda understand her.. It's one area where she can seem to have some control.. Although she has such high standards that usually we don't clean well enough, unless really trying hard.. And sometimes (if I was angry at them or such) I just didn't want to bother.. This usually only made things worse then, so hmm..
When I had a job/was studying she didn't obsess about the kitchen etc so much.. (Word of warning, lol..)
Great to hear about the volunteering!! Yup, new bus routes/places can give me some anxiety too.. Then usually things go well, lol!! So wishing you that things go well too!!
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Oh, and I'm sorry if the above wasn't very helpful... I do understand you and sympatize... This world doesn't seem very 'user-friendly' to people who want a 'simpler living'.. I often wish for 'simpler living' myself..
Also if by that you mean living from nature, it might be good to volunteer at a WOOF farm first and see how you like it.. And even farmers can benefit from some education and alternative means of getting income..
It's just 6 more months or so anyway, no? Isn't it better to just 'get rid of it' now and then maybe do interesting things for one or two years? (Might go easier...) You might wanna come up with some good ideas of what to do in that one or two year/s off... (Otherwise might just wind up doing nothing much by default, sadly my own experience in the past, a few times...) I wish I had structured my time in the past better, at times..
Also if by that you mean living from nature, it might be good to volunteer at a WOOF farm first and see how you like it.. And even farmers can benefit from some education and alternative means of getting income..
It's just 6 more months or so anyway, no? Isn't it better to just 'get rid of it' now and then maybe do interesting things for one or two years? (Might go easier...) You might wanna come up with some good ideas of what to do in that one or two year/s off... (Otherwise might just wind up doing nothing much by default, sadly my own experience in the past, a few times...) I wish I had structured my time in the past better, at times..
Hmm, okay this makes sense.. So in any case you'd have 2 more years, you can't do it faster?
Do you have any access to jobs or part-time jobs where you live?
(If you have time to do the courses, it may be worth it to do them online even when working, as studying+working can be not-so-easy, so this would make it easier next year, if you'll be working+studying or doing anything interesting next year... Also to keep Mom at bay..)
It doesn't have to be 'all or nothing'/either-or or just 'black' or 'white'...?
Or were you thinking about working full-time and being exhausted..? (Some people have worked full time and studied too, or even had families inbetween, it sometimes just took longer to finish the studies...)
You can still go off for the Summer... and experience things.. (or would you have exams/courses during the summer?)
What kind of 'experience life' are you looking for? You might even get a summer job that would be a good experience, eg be with kids in a camp or such..
(I just hope you don't get knocked up and desperate to return home!!)
I know how much you wish to live on your own...
lol I worked in a store one summer and studied easily next 4 years!!
(Also to stay at the dorm, where it was cheap and great company and muuch better than at home.. So these were my reasons, not brilliant, eh? Also had some other reasons, these were 'most immediate' though...)
Could you do it for freedom? To have'em off your back and be free to do more interesting things?
Do you have any access to jobs or part-time jobs where you live?
(If you have time to do the courses, it may be worth it to do them online even when working, as studying+working can be not-so-easy, so this would make it easier next year, if you'll be working+studying or doing anything interesting next year... Also to keep Mom at bay..)
It doesn't have to be 'all or nothing'/either-or or just 'black' or 'white'...?
Or were you thinking about working full-time and being exhausted..? (Some people have worked full time and studied too, or even had families inbetween, it sometimes just took longer to finish the studies...)
You can still go off for the Summer... and experience things.. (or would you have exams/courses during the summer?)
What kind of 'experience life' are you looking for? You might even get a summer job that would be a good experience, eg be with kids in a camp or such..
(I just hope you don't get knocked up and desperate to return home!!)
I know how much you wish to live on your own...
lol I worked in a store one summer and studied easily next 4 years!!
(Also to stay at the dorm, where it was cheap and great company and muuch better than at home.. So these were my reasons, not brilliant, eh? Also had some other reasons, these were 'most immediate' though...
) Could you do it for freedom? To have'em off your back and be free to do more interesting things?
Sorry to hear that Escape. God I want to reply so badly to some of your entries with adequacy, but I kinda feel it's pointless to rationalize things for you, seeing that I think you are more intelligent than me, so I won't even try. But perhaps I can offer some support.
Let me just state some things that come to mind: You are young, you have a lot of free/"guilty-free" time to spend to realize what your goals in life are and achieve them. You are intelligent, you'll know what to do. You are smart, you can be successful in life (have a good job, house, car, etc.) It's hard to progress in your life spiritually when you are busy working on the survival part of it. So if you have a chance to make it easier on your "survival part" of your life, take it.
I was an exceptional student in school (high IQ, good grades, advance classes) but I dropped out due to reasons similar to the ones that you have alluded to. I wish I could go back and just finish it (just to make it easier on myself now). But then again, I realize that with Social Anxiety, finishing school and making it through college might've been too much for me and caused extreme depression and perhaps suicide... so perhaps dropping out was was the best thing. But also, I was alot more depressed and social phobic than you are, at that age. So perhaps if you do go to college and such, you'll do better. I have noticed (from friends) that going through college helps one build confidence and perhaps get over your Social Anxiety. I think this may be possible for you, so keep it in mind.
As for your dreams/goals, don't give up on them, things take time. And we often want to have them "here and now", but that's not how life works. Like I said, I wish I could offer more help, but all I can really offer is my support and genuine admiration for you <3
Let me just state some things that come to mind: You are young, you have a lot of free/"guilty-free" time to spend to realize what your goals in life are and achieve them. You are intelligent, you'll know what to do. You are smart, you can be successful in life (have a good job, house, car, etc.) It's hard to progress in your life spiritually when you are busy working on the survival part of it. So if you have a chance to make it easier on your "survival part" of your life, take it.
I was an exceptional student in school (high IQ, good grades, advance classes) but I dropped out due to reasons similar to the ones that you have alluded to. I wish I could go back and just finish it (just to make it easier on myself now). But then again, I realize that with Social Anxiety, finishing school and making it through college might've been too much for me and caused extreme depression and perhaps suicide... so perhaps dropping out was was the best thing. But also, I was alot more depressed and social phobic than you are, at that age. So perhaps if you do go to college and such, you'll do better. I have noticed (from friends) that going through college helps one build confidence and perhaps get over your Social Anxiety. I think this may be possible for you, so keep it in mind.
As for your dreams/goals, don't give up on them, things take time. And we often want to have them "here and now", but that's not how life works. Like I said, I wish I could offer more help, but all I can really offer is my support and genuine admiration for you <3
lol! Great to hear Easy motivated you already!!
Start looking for cool Summer jobs you could do in any places of interest - could you be a ranger or do internship or something like that in a national park? (That way you could earn money and then go travel) People from our country went to USA to work on summer camps or do student experience work, they earnt some money and then travelled a bit. I wish I went too!!
As for the job - start looking at what's out there, so you get some clue? (Someone on another forum was very miserable about working for Burger King, so that would be non-recommended, apparently other places can be better...)
Is there any cool local place that might need some help? (Like a health store or farmers market, and you could maybe get a discount on good nutritious food?)
I've been down and depressed too, I think it's just November+PMS... :: Plus some not-so good news and being not sure how to decide about some eco things... It's probably too late to do much for the European Waste Reduction Week anyway (starts in a few days), I just had great hopes for what all could be done, and then waited too long because I thought other people would do it.. maybe just a lesson for next year..
As for the places you want to go - maybe just keep it quiet, don't tell your mom? Keep a list and dream privately?
Some people think they need to be 'killjoys' like to prevent us to get overexcited, to help us not be miserable about not being able to go there, or to prevent guilt from not having funds for taking you there?? They may not understand half the joy is in dreaming about it!!
Or your mom might even be afraid you might wanna leave and not come back? (my Grandma actually said something like that, I could've been back ten times by now!! I just chose to take her words seriously and think, 'Oh, she's old, I better not go anywhere...' - I wish I didn't listen to her and Dad, and just went travelling/study abroad when I wanted to!!) Both she and Dad completely forgot they ever said anything like that now!!
For some things, Dad even said, 'If you really wanted it, you'd have done it anyway!!' (Huh??)
Anyway, there can be different agendas.. Someone's mom even had a 'heart attack' to get her back (no idea if it was a real one or not), & conveniently got better then-?? There can be all sorts of things in play!!
As for primary school, I was a bit of a 'genius' there too ('big fish in small pond, lol) and in high school too.. I hated it there mostly.. But when you get to college/university, there are lots of smart kids there.. And I liked it much much more!! It was 'freer'.. And you kinda become more 'average' (and I also intentionally went for 8+ grades and not 10s, because I didn't want to be a 'genius' again.. So you can control how they see you a bit..) Also people don't know you if you move into a new city, and you can 'start from fresh'... This can be a bit frightening and odd, but also very liberating!!
Soo.. just some things to consider!!
Start looking for cool Summer jobs you could do in any places of interest - could you be a ranger or do internship or something like that in a national park? (That way you could earn money and then go travel) People from our country went to USA to work on summer camps or do student experience work, they earnt some money and then travelled a bit. I wish I went too!!
As for the job - start looking at what's out there, so you get some clue? (Someone on another forum was very miserable about working for Burger King, so that would be non-recommended, apparently other places can be better...)
Is there any cool local place that might need some help? (Like a health store or farmers market, and you could maybe get a discount on good nutritious food?)
I've been down and depressed too, I think it's just November+PMS... :
: Plus some not-so good news and being not sure how to decide about some eco things... It's probably too late to do much for the European Waste Reduction Week anyway (starts in a few days), I just had great hopes for what all could be done, and then waited too long because I thought other people would do it.. maybe just a lesson for next year.. As for the places you want to go - maybe just keep it quiet, don't tell your mom? Keep a list and dream privately?
Some people think they need to be 'killjoys' like to prevent us to get overexcited, to help us not be miserable about not being able to go there, or to prevent guilt from not having funds for taking you there?? They may not understand half the joy is in dreaming about it!!
Or your mom might even be afraid you might wanna leave and not come back? (my Grandma actually said something like that, I could've been back ten times by now!! I just chose to take her words seriously and think, 'Oh, she's old, I better not go anywhere...' - I wish I didn't listen to her and Dad, and just went travelling/study abroad when I wanted to!!) Both she and Dad completely forgot they ever said anything like that now!!
For some things, Dad even said, 'If you really wanted it, you'd have done it anyway!!' (Huh??)
Anyway, there can be different agendas.. Someone's mom even had a 'heart attack' to get her back (no idea if it was a real one or not), & conveniently got better then-?? There can be all sorts of things in play!!
As for primary school, I was a bit of a 'genius' there too ('big fish in small pond, lol) and in high school too.. I hated it there mostly.. But when you get to college/university, there are lots of smart kids there.. And I liked it much much more!! It was 'freer'..
And you kinda become more 'average' (and I also intentionally went for 8+ grades and not 10s, because I didn't want to be a 'genius' again.. So you can control how they see you a bit..) Also people don't know you if you move into a new city, and you can 'start from fresh'... This can be a bit frightening and odd, but also very liberating!! Soo.. just some things to consider!!
Hastings & Main
Well-known member
Hey E! Just read through the whole thing (may have missed page 9).
Just a couple things (cos otherwise I'd be writing a few pages myself) - it's cool to see someone else here likes Sigur Ros (way back on pg. 2?), and also, do you recall what SA group it was that you planned/did go to? I live just off Commercial Dr. and thought of giving it a try as it might be close by.
Just a couple things (cos otherwise I'd be writing a few pages myself) - it's cool to see someone else here likes Sigur Ros (way back on pg. 2?), and also, do you recall what SA group it was that you planned/did go to? I live just off Commercial Dr. and thought of giving it a try as it might be close by.
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Wow how did you manage to read all of those complaints?? lol. I'm surprised.
Sigur Ros is amazing I'm glad to find somebody who appreciates their work! What other music are you into?
Sigur Ros is amazing
I'm glad to find somebody who appreciates their work! What other music are you into?
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And I love that EasySkankin is back in all of his magical positive lovable glory! -hug- :
So glad to hear Escape
. I think you have a lot to offer this world and you have a lot of time to achieve it . So please don't give up!!And post whatever you want... complaints... whatever - it's still interesting
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Thank you
It's good to see that you're looking into things that interest you and studying them.
I don't think people depend on oil to live... well not to the extent that we would die off without it. I think we have enough technology to come up with an alternate source of energy... or we can come up with better ways to use the energy that we have for example, if necessary.
It all sounds very interesting though and very possible (scary), but I'm sure you'll be fine (if you know what I mean )
Over-eating is a tough thing to deal with huh? I've known of people that love food and they eat whole pizza's and such and they can't help it... sad to see :-(.
Keep trying though Escape... I don't know what to say since I don't know much about that. All I know is that you're a good looking girl ;-). And if you do not 'manage' to appear "beautiful" on the outside (according to today's standards), that's allright, at least you're extremely beautiful inside :-D. But I'm sure you'll get down to your desired weight if you don't give up
Cheers!
It's good to see that you're looking into things that interest you and studying them
. I don't think people depend on oil to live... well not to the extent that we would die off without it. I think we have enough technology to come up with an alternate source of energy... or we can come up with better ways to use the energy that we have for example, if necessary.
It all sounds very interesting though and very possible (scary
), but I'm sure you'll be fine (if you know what I mean )Over-eating is a tough thing to deal with huh? I've known of people that love food and they eat whole pizza's and such and they can't help it... sad to see :-(.
Keep trying though Escape... I don't know what to say since I don't know much about that. All I know is that you're a good looking girl ;-). And if you do not 'manage' to appear "beautiful" on the outside (according to today's standards), that's allright, at least you're extremely beautiful inside :-D. But I'm sure you'll get down to your desired weight if you don't give up
Cheers!
Hastings & Main
Well-known member
I know what you mean about Sigur Ros - in the right mood they can just take you to a whole other place, like being washed out to sea.
If it weren't for music I'd have found a way to be six feet under quite a while ago. Started out with punk, as it was something I could identify most with. Over half the lyrics out there are from people with anxiety or other ****ed-up personality traits, and screaming along with Henry Rollins or Poison Idea or whoever really helps to get the anger & frustration out. Eventually punk led me into hip hop, jazz, ska etc., so Portishead, Underworld, Sonny Rollins, Black Flag, Alice Donut, DJ Shadow, Lisa Germano, NWA, Crass, De La Soul, Miles Davis, Fantomas, New York Dolls, Aphex Twin, Coffinshakers, Mindless Self Indulgence, Blood Brothers, New Kingdom, Tom Waits, Birthday Massacre, Isobel Campbell, Specials, Ska-P, Dresden Dolls, Misfits, uhhh... yeah, that's just off the top of my head. Waaay too much music.
I guess I need something positive to obsess over.
I'll look up that meetup site, thanks.
And your mom sounds a lot like my grandmother (my mom's mom): A lot of mental crap that very fortunately wasn't passed down to us. One example (and if anyone is sensitive to animal cruelty, skip this paragraph please): when my mom was about 5-6, grandma herded the kids into the bathroom and took the family cat's newborn kittens and drowned them all in the tub in front of mom and her four brothers & sisters (all around the same young age), saying, "This is what happens to children who are bad.".
Well, okay, your mom probably didn't do anything like that (I hope), but otherwise they sound like similar people. Mom ran away from home at 15.
Obviously I don't know how attached you are to your mother, but my mom eventually just mentally turned her mom into 'some stranger' with a bad personality. Like she was just some weirdo from a bad part of town, someone you wouldn't think twice of, passing on the street.
Anyway, it's great that you connected w/your sister!
And keep fighting, you're getting there.
If it weren't for music I'd have found a way to be six feet under quite a while ago. Started out with punk, as it was something I could identify most with. Over half the lyrics out there are from people with anxiety or other ****ed-up personality traits, and screaming along with Henry Rollins or Poison Idea or whoever really helps to get the anger & frustration out. Eventually punk led me into hip hop, jazz, ska etc., so Portishead, Underworld, Sonny Rollins, Black Flag, Alice Donut, DJ Shadow, Lisa Germano, NWA, Crass, De La Soul, Miles Davis, Fantomas, New York Dolls, Aphex Twin, Coffinshakers, Mindless Self Indulgence, Blood Brothers, New Kingdom, Tom Waits, Birthday Massacre, Isobel Campbell, Specials, Ska-P, Dresden Dolls, Misfits, uhhh... yeah, that's just off the top of my head. Waaay too much music.
I guess I need something positive to obsess over
.I'll look up that meetup site, thanks.
And your mom sounds a lot like my grandmother (my mom's mom): A lot of mental crap that very fortunately wasn't passed down to us. One example (and if anyone is sensitive to animal cruelty, skip this paragraph please): when my mom was about 5-6, grandma herded the kids into the bathroom and took the family cat's newborn kittens and drowned them all in the tub in front of mom and her four brothers & sisters (all around the same young age), saying, "This is what happens to children who are bad.".
Well, okay, your mom probably didn't do anything like that (I hope), but otherwise they sound like similar people. Mom ran away from home at 15.
Obviously I don't know how attached you are to your mother, but my mom eventually just mentally turned her mom into 'some stranger' with a bad personality. Like she was just some weirdo from a bad part of town, someone you wouldn't think twice of, passing on the street.
Anyway, it's great that you connected w/your sister!
And keep fighting, you're getting there.
Well, it's your choice!! You can eventually reconnect with both old friends and a bunch of new ones!!
I was tossed around in school, and was in several different classes (which I HATED at the time) thing is I know a lot more people and can talk to them at reunions and such, while some others just stay in small groups that were made at school!! (all their life)
So you CAN turn this into your advantage actually!!
I also learnt to make new friends - in 6 months you can make new friends ANYWHERE!!
Sorry to hear about skipping classes and fearing to hand in assignments and such... I often did last-minute revisions and handed stuff in 'at the end of the moment' and usually - luckily - still in time!
You know what? After high school, no one's gonna ask you what grades you had!! No employer is gonna look at your high school diploma grades!!
I was really obsessed with grades at that time, and actually it wasn't so important at all!!
It matters if you want to get a grant/scholarship (for some scholarships, not for all - do your research) and where I live it was helpful to get into the dorm (which was much cheaper than renting a room somewhere else, though classmates with Cs and B's and single mom's got in there too..) or to get into a specific college/University (though actually having a high school diploma is a bigger requirement, especially as generations today are smaller and smaller and it's easier to get into some courses, again do your research) other than that - it's not important at all!!
And B+'s are pretty excellent too!!
You know how Einstein had some pretty bad grades in Maths??
And some other important people didn't do so well at school either!!
Grades are NOT a reflection of how good you are at something, they're not the ultimate measurement of who you are and how well you can do in something..
(I had the same problems and delusions, so I can tell you that!!)
They're just an estimate, of how well your vision of what was required matches the teacher's, and what the teacher thinks might be important, some teachers also don't know how to make good tests and grade well and just 'wing it'... so it's good to take notes when they tell you what is required etc. Too many factors are involved, it's just an approximate educated guess!!
I'm very cynical about this - I actually wrote almost what the teacher told us in high school for a test once, with my own words, and she said, 'Finally someone who can think with their own head??' (??)
So yeah, how about just give yourself B+ as a requirement (A's are great but living and finishing it is more important!!) Interestingly enough, people usually like you much more if you don't have just straight A's and are sort of 'pretty normal'.. (But don't use this as an excuse!!)
I don't do well with criticism either, maybe find a way to deal with it - either doodle/write it all, what they say... Take it as suggestions for improvement, so you can actually do better next time, or later on in life when you do similar things.. (Ideally they'd use the 'sandwich formula' anyway: + - +, something good > ways of imporovement > something good again/end on a positive/upbeat note! - If not, it's their fault actually for not using constructive ways of criticism-??!!)
And remember, some people think creative writing can't be 'taught' - you need to write, and write so much that you succeed!!
(And there's also the theory that all Creative Writing teachers are really wannabe novelists secretly penning romances anyway!!!)
Of course you may still get a great one, if you get a frustrating one, that's something to really keep in mind!! If they were really so great and so ooh and aah! do you think they'd be teaching high school??
(That really opened my eyes when someone told me that about some University arts teachers actually lol)
So, reflection on perspective.
(The idea was to look at their work and what it's lacking and where they are 'not good' and what they admire and what are they looking for... This totally helped me to 'wow' a particular professor, lol!!)
Tell yourself 5 compliments for every criticism, or post here so we'll give you 5+ compliments and genuine opinions of you!! Or.... you're creative, I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with it!!
And you are soo much MORE than any grades or whatever!!
((hugs)) I'm sure you're gonna ROCK'em!! GO Escape!!!!
I was tossed around in school, and was in several different classes (which I HATED at the time) thing is I know a lot more people and can talk to them at reunions and such, while some others just stay in small groups that were made at school!! (all their life)
So you CAN turn this into your advantage actually!!
I also learnt to make new friends - in 6 months you can make new friends ANYWHERE!!
Sorry to hear about skipping classes and fearing to hand in assignments and such... I often did last-minute revisions and handed stuff in 'at the end of the moment' and usually - luckily - still in time!
You know what? After high school, no one's gonna ask you what grades you had!! No employer is gonna look at your high school diploma grades!!
I was really obsessed with grades at that time, and actually it wasn't so important at all!!
It matters if you want to get a grant/scholarship (for some scholarships, not for all - do your research) and where I live it was helpful to get into the dorm (which was much cheaper than renting a room somewhere else, though classmates with Cs and B's and single mom's got in there too..) or to get into a specific college/University (though actually having a high school diploma is a bigger requirement, especially as generations today are smaller and smaller and it's easier to get into some courses, again do your research) other than that - it's not important at all!!
And B+'s are pretty excellent too!!
You know how Einstein had some pretty bad grades in Maths??
And some other important people didn't do so well at school either!!
Grades are NOT a reflection of how good you are at something, they're not the ultimate measurement of who you are and how well you can do in something..
(I had the same problems and delusions, so I can tell you that!!
) They're just an estimate, of how well your vision of what was required matches the teacher's, and what the teacher thinks might be important, some teachers also don't know how to make good tests and grade well and just 'wing it'... so it's good to take notes when they tell you what is required etc. Too many factors are involved, it's just an approximate educated guess!!
I'm very cynical about this - I actually wrote almost what the teacher told us in high school for a test once, with my own words, and she said, 'Finally someone who can think with their own head??' (??)
So yeah, how about just give yourself B+ as a requirement (A's are great but living and finishing it is more important!!) Interestingly enough, people usually like you much more if you don't have just straight A's and are sort of 'pretty normal'.. (But don't use this as an excuse!!
)I don't do well with criticism either, maybe find a way to deal with it - either doodle/write it all, what they say... Take it as suggestions for improvement, so you can actually do better next time, or later on in life when you do similar things.. (Ideally they'd use the 'sandwich formula' anyway: + - +, something good > ways of imporovement > something good again/end on a positive/upbeat note! - If not, it's their fault actually for not using constructive ways of criticism-??!!)
And remember, some people think creative writing can't be 'taught' - you need to write, and write so much that you succeed!!
(And there's also the theory that all Creative Writing teachers are really wannabe novelists secretly penning romances anyway!!!)
Of course you may still get a great one, if you get a frustrating one, that's something to really keep in mind!! If they were really so great and so ooh and aah! do you think they'd be teaching high school??
(That really opened my eyes when someone told me that about some University arts teachers actually lol)
So, reflection on perspective.
(The idea was to look at their work and what it's lacking and where they are 'not good' and what they admire and what are they looking for... This totally helped me to 'wow' a particular professor, lol!!)
Tell yourself 5 compliments for every criticism, or post here so we'll give you 5+ compliments and genuine opinions of you!! Or.... you're creative, I'm sure you'll find a way to deal with it!!
And you are soo much MORE than any grades or whatever!!
((hugs)) I'm sure you're gonna ROCK'em!!
GO Escape!!!!
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