EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Oh, Kiwong, thanks! That is so reassuring to me. I'm going to try and make sure I do it.
Escape's Journal.
- Thread starter EscapeArtist
- Start date
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
The people who live below me are ****ing SMOKING in the ****ing HOUSE and it's all wafting around in my room! As if the noise wasn't enough, and the slamming heavy **** around.
ugh, smoking sucks, indeed!!
sorry to hear about the bad dream.. sometimes it helps to 'exorcise' it to write it down, and find a meaning..
Well, on your photos, you look quite good!! so not sure where you have those 15 pounds you want to shed?
I hope you don't go to extremes just because you think you need to lose weight (?) Can you post how tall you are and how much is your weight? (ideally in cm/kg?)
if you eat raw a lot I don't think you'd need to think about weight at all..
Thanks for posting your menus!
I'm not sure if I could last all day on just that (I can eat quite a lot) I know about too much fruit being possibly dangerous, yup! I might adapt it slightly and give it a try.. after the 'holidays' though..
Also be careful with spinach a bit, because of the oxal acid or whatsit, read up on it..
Oregon sounds interesting.. just make sure you're not chasing 'old times' when 'things were still good' (with your dad still home and all of you together..) If you take it for what it is, a lovely trip to people you like, it can be good.. It's better to not expect too much and then be pleasantly surprised
I understand you on the guilt.. I feel soo guilty for too many things too.. Like not doing enough eco-wise, or with my life, or disappointing my parents or people who knew me 'back then' or whatever etc
About the dream: (I hesitate to say this and you can tell me it's none of my business, I still thought to maybe point it out): Are you perhaps still mad at your mom because of the whole dad situation and him leaving? Thats kinda something that could perhaps be seen from the dream you describe? (Though maybe I'm interpreting it in my own ways.. so just take it with a grain of salt, just maybe think about it..) I was angry at my mom in the past a lot for being so 'angry' at dad all the time.. and yelling/criticising so much.. Though now I see some of her criticisms were understood and sorta justified, as dad can be so ADD or so 'impossible' sometimes and such..
And maybe you just 'felt' ugly (=alligator) because of the whole dad/divorce thing? I know kids can go through all sorts of trouble when parents divorce.. And can sometimes blame themselves.. Sometimes kids are just 'handy scapegoats' if parents have problems though.. It's easier sometimes for parents to focus on kids' problems (or 'problematic kids') than their own problems in communication etc.. This is not to say that parents are to blame, it can be just a bad situation, and nobody is to 'blame' really.. (I sometimes wished my parents would divorce when they quarrelled so much, it's apparently just their way of communicating though-?? and they plain out refused to do so, lol..)
I think it's really tough for kids of divorced parents.. Sometimes living together can be even more difficult.. It seems the human race is still learning how to go about all this...
Anyway, enough grim talk, wishing you lots of FUN on your meetups and the trail hiking/running etc!!
sorry to hear about the bad dream.. sometimes it helps to 'exorcise' it to write it down, and find a meaning..
Well, on your photos, you look quite good!! so not sure where you have those 15 pounds you want to shed?
I hope you don't go to extremes just because you think you need to lose weight (?) Can you post how tall you are and how much is your weight? (ideally in cm/kg?)
if you eat raw a lot I don't think you'd need to think about weight at all..
Thanks for posting your menus!
I'm not sure if I could last all day on just that (I can eat quite a lot) I know about too much fruit being possibly dangerous, yup! I might adapt it slightly and give it a try.. after the 'holidays' though..Also be careful with spinach a bit, because of the oxal acid or whatsit, read up on it..
Oregon sounds interesting.. just make sure you're not chasing 'old times' when 'things were still good' (with your dad still home and all of you together..) If you take it for what it is, a lovely trip to people you like, it can be good.. It's better to not expect too much and then be pleasantly surprised
I understand you on the guilt.. I feel soo guilty for too many things too.. Like not doing enough eco-wise, or with my life, or disappointing my parents or people who knew me 'back then' or whatever etc
About the dream: (I hesitate to say this and you can tell me it's none of my business, I still thought to maybe point it out): Are you perhaps still mad at your mom because of the whole dad situation and him leaving? Thats kinda something that could perhaps be seen from the dream you describe? (Though maybe I'm interpreting it in my own ways.. so just take it with a grain of salt, just maybe think about it..) I was angry at my mom in the past a lot for being so 'angry' at dad all the time.. and yelling/criticising so much.. Though now I see some of her criticisms were understood and sorta justified, as dad can be so ADD or so 'impossible' sometimes and such..
And maybe you just 'felt' ugly (=alligator) because of the whole dad/divorce thing? I know kids can go through all sorts of trouble when parents divorce.. And can sometimes blame themselves.. Sometimes kids are just 'handy scapegoats' if parents have problems though.. It's easier sometimes for parents to focus on kids' problems (or 'problematic kids') than their own problems in communication etc.. This is not to say that parents are to blame, it can be just a bad situation, and nobody is to 'blame' really.. (I sometimes wished my parents would divorce when they quarrelled so much, it's apparently just their way of communicating though-?? and they plain out refused to do so, lol..)
I think it's really tough for kids of divorced parents.. Sometimes living together can be even more difficult.. It seems the human race is still learning how to go about all this...
Anyway, enough grim talk, wishing you lots of FUN on your meetups and the trail hiking/running etc!!
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EscapeArtist
Well-known member
I'm thinking this whole transgender this isn't what I think it is. That I may be confusing it with the lack of a male role model, and the intense fear of the vulnerability that comes with being female.
Hi, I've been following your journal a bit I enjoy reading it because i can relate to allot you are writing. It seemed you were doing so well! Very gutsy you joined that supportgroup and thinking about going to school again. I feel sad for you that you have so much problems with this food allergy. I know what it is becuase my niece has the same thing and almost cant eat anything. That must really suck....
What i dont get is how you managed to eat so healthy for a year (without knowing you were gluten lactose intolerant) and now you know you cant stay of the bad food eventhough you get physically sick. It almost seems you are torturing yourself.
There maybe is something what might help you to stay of the stuff that is bad for you. When i went to college i started smoking sigarets. I kept on doing this for 3 years, almost 1 pack a day (never in public because i didnt want anyone to know lol). At some point i decided that i wanted to get in shape for some cyclingevent, because im a huge cycling fan. I had a goal and in order to reach that goal i had to stop smoking because it really affected my endurance. This was very hard but because now i had a target, and my endurance got better step by step, i didnt want to ruin it by smoking. So maybe its an idea to set yourself a target physically. I read somewhere that you joined a hiking group so maybe there is some hikingtrail you can train for? Here in my country there is some event where people walk like 25 km 4 days in a row...
I dont know about the physical attraction thing, but i know there are some factors that might affect the libido of a person... maybe your food allergy has something to do with it?
I enjoy reading it because i can relate to allot you are writing. It seemed you were doing so well! Very gutsy you joined that supportgroup and thinking about going to school again. I feel sad for you that you have so much problems with this food allergy. I know what it is becuase my niece has the same thing and almost cant eat anything. That must really suck....What i dont get is how you managed to eat so healthy for a year (without knowing you were gluten lactose intolerant) and now you know you cant stay of the bad food eventhough you get physically sick. It almost seems you are torturing yourself.
There maybe is something what might help you to stay of the stuff that is bad for you. When i went to college i started smoking sigarets. I kept on doing this for 3 years, almost 1 pack a day (never in public because i didnt want anyone to know lol). At some point i decided that i wanted to get in shape for some cyclingevent, because im a huge cycling fan. I had a goal and in order to reach that goal i had to stop smoking because it really affected my endurance. This was very hard but because now i had a target, and my endurance got better step by step, i didnt want to ruin it by smoking. So maybe its an idea to set yourself a target physically. I read somewhere that you joined a hiking group so maybe there is some hikingtrail you can train for? Here in my country there is some event where people walk like 25 km 4 days in a row...
I dont know about the physical attraction thing, but i know there are some factors that might affect the libido of a person... maybe your food allergy has something to do with it?
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vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I'm sorry to hear you're not going to be come on very often anymore, but it sounds like you have very good reason for doing so. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavorer, and have you know it was very helpful and enjoyable having you around SPW. We'll miss you. (And sorry if that sounded impersonal, this kinda thing isn't my forte)
coyote
Well-known member
Great film - one of my instructors at the Art Institute screened this for the class.
Don't be a stranger. Please keep in touch.
Oh, Wow, Escape, I'm speechless!!
I'll be sorry to see you go, though I know it's for the best of reasons, and I need to dramatically reduce my time spent here too (though not sure if I'll be able to)
Good luck with the food addiction thing too.. Holidays can do weird stuff to people, I ate too much chocolate these past two days too.. My Dad has a philosophy to 'give into temptation' at times (when he really wants to) and then when his joints or back start to ache (due to rheumatism) he finds it easier to 'keep on track' with the healthy food.. It's funny how he often gets pain for every Easter or such holidays.. and then he can continue 'being good' re: food.. No one smokes anything in the house, and I'm soo glad about that.. So fingers crossed you manage to stay away from it too!!
I second decision for training. A roommate had great difficulty climbing mountains or hiking due to cigarettes (and pot)!!
As for alco and such - have you also found 'triggers'? If you figure out what made you go for a sip (eg quarrel with someone) can you brainstorm ways to avoid it? Yes, I even started doing the dishes again /sigh/ But I told them I have much more craving to do dishes when they are nice to me or offer me good food So we'll see how it goes..
I'll look up that film if I can find it online..
I'll be sorry to see you go, though I know it's for the best of reasons, and I need to dramatically reduce my time spent here too (though not sure if I'll be able to
)Good luck with the food addiction thing too.. Holidays can do weird stuff to people, I ate too much chocolate these past two days too.. My Dad has a philosophy to 'give into temptation' at times (when he really wants to) and then when his joints or back start to ache (due to rheumatism) he finds it easier to 'keep on track' with the healthy food.. It's funny how he often gets pain for every Easter or such holidays.. and then he can continue 'being good' re: food.. No one smokes anything in the house, and I'm soo glad about that.. So fingers crossed you manage to stay away from it too!!
I second decision for training. A roommate had great difficulty climbing mountains or hiking due to cigarettes (and pot)!!
As for alco and such - have you also found 'triggers'? If you figure out what made you go for a sip (eg quarrel with someone) can you brainstorm ways to avoid it? Yes, I even started doing the dishes again /sigh/ But I told them I have much more craving to do dishes when they are nice to me or offer me good food
So we'll see how it goes..I'll look up that film if I can find it online..
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Heh heh I was wondering how you were doing with that. Sleep is the one thing I'm going to try and get back on track with, despite SPWorld, also. Small steps
I was wondering how you were doing with that. Sleep is the one thing I'm going to try and get back on track with, despite SPWorld, also. Small steps YAY you're back!! I missed you!!
It isn't easy to strike a proper balance, is it? Can you get any of your sisters to 'chase' you offline? (eg they take over the computer, preferably for homework related/healthy reasons?)
It's partly why I haven't got own computer - not sure if I could trust myself.. Sis chases me off hers.. and mom chases me off the family computer sometimes..
I'm sorry to say that when got computer back (it was okay anyway!! just needed a rough ride to the repair shop apparently??) I didn't stick to 5 hrs a day either.
Maybe we could also have something like 'check in' to keep each other on track?
(eg person posts 4 or 5 plans, and then others help keep him/her on track?).
I missed you!!It isn't easy to strike a proper balance, is it? Can you get any of your sisters to 'chase' you offline? (eg they take over the computer, preferably for homework related/healthy reasons?)
It's partly why I haven't got own computer - not sure if I could trust myself.. Sis chases me off hers.. and mom chases me off the family computer sometimes..
I'm sorry to say that when got computer back (it was okay anyway!! just needed a rough ride to the repair shop apparently??) I didn't stick to 5 hrs a day either.
Maybe we could also have something like 'check in' to keep each other on track?
(eg person posts 4 or 5 plans, and then others help keep him/her on track?).
Hey, first of all. I'm glad you're still here. The awesome people always seem to leave here sooner or later (which is great, of course, but it's always a little bitter-sweet.). :3
As for the self doubt/hate thing, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You're an surprisingly clever person. Even if your opinions might differ from everyone on the world, that doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong, it just means that your conclusion is different (I am a strong believer in there not being such a thing as ''right'' and ''wrong'' (just personal individual concepts of what right and wrong means), but that's a whole different conversation).
Your thought process is just as valuable as anyone elses. So I'd say, trust your thought process and the conclusion it leads you to. :3
As for the self doubt/hate thing, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You're an surprisingly clever person. Even if your opinions might differ from everyone on the world, that doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong, it just means that your conclusion is different (I am a strong believer in there not being such a thing as ''right'' and ''wrong'' (just personal individual concepts of what right and wrong means), but that's a whole different conversation).
Your thought process is just as valuable as anyone elses. So I'd say, trust your thought process and the conclusion it leads you to. :3
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Ohh sucks to hear you being so sad at the moment. But i think its cool you are back though because i like the way you write! (You should become a writer and just go to some beautifull place for a couple of months for inspiration, that always sounds so romantic about writing)
Very funny though that you mention that leaving SPW for a while didnt make you spend your time more effectively. I used to play some computer game online for a couple of years as hobby which i enjoyed very much. Also met allot of nice people there. But like 6months ago i decided it was time to quit, because i felt i was getting to old fot that stuff and thought i should use my time more effectivly in getting myself over SA. But instead of that unconsiously i started doing all kind of different stuff to just keeping myself from getting bored. Like watching an insane amount of movies or signing up to this site Also i got very depressed at the same time. So i think i can relate a little bit. If we only could find something meaningfull to spend our time with (and didnt have SA so we had the guts to go after it)....
By the way, i was wondering how your support group meetings are going. I think its cool you go there. Which means you CAN do other stuff too (motivational)!
)Very funny though that you mention that leaving SPW for a while didnt make you spend your time more effectively. I used to play some computer game online for a couple of years as hobby which i enjoyed very much. Also met allot of nice people there. But like 6months ago i decided it was time to quit, because i felt i was getting to old fot that stuff and thought i should use my time more effectivly in getting myself over SA. But instead of that unconsiously i started doing all kind of different stuff to just keeping myself from getting bored. Like watching an insane amount of movies or signing up to this site
Also i got very depressed at the same time. So i think i can relate a little bit. If we only could find something meaningfull to spend our time with (and didnt have SA so we had the guts to go after it)....By the way, i was wondering how your support group meetings are going. I think its cool you go there. Which means you CAN do other stuff too (motivational)!
Ohh honey!!! So sorry to hear you've been feeling bad!!
Actually, you're one of my favorite people here (you probably know that anyway!!) and I'm so THRILLED that you are so eco and all!!
I really value your opinions and admire how you go about changing your life for the better etc!! You're very inspiring!!
Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!
If your family is anything like mine, they will hate the constant eco reminders (or possibly even resent you for being 'too eco' and 'complicating things'! That is to be expected!!
Please know most great ideas encounter resistence!!
This very thread made me go offline and actually call one of the # on the list of people to call.. (I also called another and couldn't reach it). Also we had a worker and dad needed assistance, so I had to spend some time in RL.. (and couldn't do that much phone calling previously..)
Okay, maybe limiting SPW time and 'breaks' could be good for you then! There are even programs like timers where you set up reminders every half hour or every hour to eg go for a walk or whatever..
It helps me to set goals for next day the previous evening (too soggy in the morning, especially if ate gluten/milk in the evening). Then just go by the list, and if you accomplish at least half, you're a hero!!
I think I will also limit the amount of people I reply here in-depth in a day or something like that.. I can get very focused when replying and forget my problems, it can be time-consuming though lol..
Okay, what are you angry about? That you had a week of relapse and that you couldn't quite make it on your own yet? As you build a network of good people in RL this will be easier!!
I also highly recommend seeing Al-Anon or group for family of drug-users or something like that if you can, I wish we had something like that here..
I'm easily influenced too. So I limit amount of info and don't watch the news etc (hearing on the radio is better, I limit that too though).
I even confess that I prefer the family to start eating lunch without me, so they are less cranky and feeling better when I join them.
And try to steer conversations elsewhere into 'safer' waters if possible..
I think it's good that you are open to ideas and opinions of others.. It's good to know they are just opinions though!!
Your family probably didn't research certain things so in-depth, and doesn't know much about other things..
I will not tell you 'you can do anything you set your mind to' cause honestly I don't fully believe it (for example if you decide to float with body to the outer moons of Jupiter, I'm not really sure if even someone with your spiritual experience and outlook could do it.) Other than that, I'm certain you can do pretty much anything realistically doable or even stuff many people don't think realistically doable - you've already DONE A LOT!!
Maybe you sort of gave yourself too much to work on at the same time, let's not forget you are still just one human being, a girl in high school.. Many of those just care for fun and frolics - and you care for the world - for so much more!!
So maybe it's good to focus on priorities: finishing blimmin' high school (so you can impress people with credentials later on in feisty non-profits changing the world and afford cool eco stuff!!)
Yes, I hated high school too.. I still finished it dammit!!
I will write CVs and job applications, and try to set up the blimmin non-profit, and you can report about stuff you've done, even boring maths homework or such (I can be very sympathetic, always had nervous breakdowns before exams or such, mom had to listen to me and inspired me with, 'You can go work in the furniture factory otherwise..' It's very LOUD in the furniture or gizmo factory!! So no go..)
And in the breaks you can help me brainstorm how to take over the world and make it more eco??!! (Please!! I desperately need help!!)
So, you are very valuable and very precious and very much needed in this world!!!
(Even if your blimmin relatives can't appreciate it!! They'll learn to appreciate it in time too!! Some families just appreciate each other more from a distance!!)
Actually, you're one of my favorite people here (you probably know that anyway!!
) and I'm so THRILLED that you are so eco and all!!I really value your opinions and admire how you go about changing your life for the better etc!! You're very inspiring!!
Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!
If your family is anything like mine, they will hate the constant eco reminders (or possibly even resent you for being 'too eco' and 'complicating things'! That is to be expected!!
Please know most great ideas encounter resistence!!
This very thread made me go offline and actually call one of the # on the list of people to call.. (I also called another and couldn't reach it). Also we had a worker and dad needed assistance, so I had to spend some time in RL.. (and couldn't do that much phone calling previously..)
Okay, maybe limiting SPW time and 'breaks' could be good for you then! There are even programs like timers where you set up reminders every half hour or every hour to eg go for a walk or whatever..
It helps me to set goals for next day the previous evening (too soggy in the morning, especially if ate gluten/milk in the evening). Then just go by the list, and if you accomplish at least half, you're a hero!!
I think I will also limit the amount of people I reply here in-depth in a day or something like that.. I can get very focused when replying and forget my problems, it can be time-consuming though lol..
Okay, what are you angry about? That you had a week of relapse and that you couldn't quite make it on your own yet? As you build a network of good people in RL this will be easier!!
I also highly recommend seeing Al-Anon or group for family of drug-users or something like that if you can, I wish we had something like that here..
I'm easily influenced too. So I limit amount of info and don't watch the news etc (hearing on the radio is better, I limit that too though).
I even confess that I prefer the family to start eating lunch without me, so they are less cranky and feeling better when I join them.
And try to steer conversations elsewhere into 'safer' waters if possible..
I think it's good that you are open to ideas and opinions of others.. It's good to know they are just opinions though!!
Your family probably didn't research certain things so in-depth, and doesn't know much about other things..
I will not tell you 'you can do anything you set your mind to' cause honestly I don't fully believe it (for example if you decide to float with body to the outer moons of Jupiter, I'm not really sure if even someone with your spiritual experience and outlook could do it.
) Other than that, I'm certain you can do pretty much anything realistically doable or even stuff many people don't think realistically doable - you've already DONE A LOT!! Maybe you sort of gave yourself too much to work on at the same time, let's not forget you are still just one human being, a girl in high school.. Many of those just care for fun and frolics - and you care for the world - for so much more!!
So maybe it's good to focus on priorities: finishing blimmin' high school (so you can impress people with credentials later on in feisty non-profits changing the world and afford cool eco stuff!!
) Yes, I hated high school too.. I still finished it dammit!!
I will write CVs and job applications, and try to set up the blimmin non-profit, and you can report about stuff you've done, even boring maths homework or such (I can be very sympathetic, always had nervous breakdowns before exams or such, mom had to listen to me and inspired me with, 'You can go work in the furniture factory otherwise..' It's very LOUD in the furniture or gizmo factory!! So no go..)
And in the breaks you can help me brainstorm how to take over the world and make it more eco??!! (Please!! I desperately need help!!)
So, you are very valuable and very precious and very much needed in this world!!!
(Even if your blimmin relatives can't appreciate it!! They'll learn to appreciate it in time too!! Some families just appreciate each other more from a distance!!)
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
What's a CV? lol
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Exercise and an alkaline body make life amazing. That is my conclusion. Looking forward to life...
I am not going to self sabotage today. I am going to get used to feeling good and try not to escape the unknown! And I'm going to focus on exercise tonight, I'm even lifting weights as I sit at my computer, just to keep myself remembering how good it feels to feel good...and not dwell on thoughts of escaping success through doing something stupid.
I feel good!
I am not going to self sabotage today. I am going to get used to feeling good and try not to escape the unknown! And I'm going to focus on exercise tonight, I'm even lifting weights as I sit at my computer, just to keep myself remembering how good it feels to feel good...and not dwell on thoughts of escaping success through doing something stupid.
I feel good!
Exercise and an alkaline body make life amazing. That is my conclusion. Looking forward to life...
I am not going to self sabotage today. I am going to get used to feeling good and try not to escape the unknown! And I'm going to focus on exercise tonight, I'm even lifting weights as I sit at my computer, just to keep myself remembering how good it feels to feel good...and not dwell on thoughts of escaping success through doing something stupid.
I feel good!
Yeah man, let the endorfines do their job
Do you have a physical goal yet? ::
EscapeArtist
Well-known member
Heh heh fast replies
^ I think the best physical goal for me, would be...to be confident enough in my ability to achieve a trail run. For some reason, the very idea of a trail run intimidates me!! Why? Because it's usually intense running people, and, because I know I'm going to ****ing love it to death enough to possibly break down in joy! Haha. Somehow, I see this as a physical goal.
^ I think the best physical goal for me, would be...to be confident enough in my ability to achieve a trail run. For some reason, the very idea of a trail run intimidates me!! Why? Because it's usually intense running people, and, because I know I'm going to ****ing love it to death enough to possibly break down in joy! Haha. Somehow, I see this as a physical goal.