Escape's Journal.

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Acegame

Well-known member
Haha, well some manipulative b**** (dont know if she is manipulative, just like the combination of words :D) is keeping me from sleeping, so dont have much better to do than just keep refreshing the SPW home page ;)

But nice one. Trailrunning does sound cool! Never actually heard about it. Seems more fun than doing a marathon to me.
 
EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
fer suuuuure

and feel free to reply to this thread a milllionbazilllion times if/when you're bored haha, seeing I seem to do the same around here!
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
YAY you got inspired to do more healthy stuff!! :)

So happy!!

Just a quick check-in, going to a meet-up of charity group soon (very scared too, ha ha.. They're lovely, not very sure what to talk to them about re: eco stuff and such, some open issues and questions re: who would do what and such.. that we had talked about a few months ago already too, yikes.. you know the feeling I guess!! lol!! )
They're lovely people though so hopefully it would all go well? uhm.. a bit of brain fog though, keep fingers crossed..

I am THRILLED you'll be happy to brainstorm with!! :D

will respond more in-depth later or in a few days... :)
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
I think you need to read this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers [Paperback] by Karyl McBride it's on Amazon

Okay it doesn't need to be a paperback :D

See if your library has it.. if you ever ordered anything from Amazon you can read a lot of it there for free too.. (if you do a search)

Some awful mothers in there, I'm thinking mine wasn't so bad after all.. though I can see stuff there too that I can totally relate too... and it made me think of you too.. I only just started it so no idea how it turns out, looks promising!! Check it out! :) ((hugs))
 
vj288

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
EscapeArtist said:
That's the problem. If I HOPE for it, I immediately trust that I will get it because I immediately expect it has to happen for my sanity or happiness to continue. And because, that's what 'self esteem' is to me, trusting that I will reach my goals. Which is NOT what self esteem is... I have a strong, strong pull to return back to absolute secrecy and quiet-ness... Including on this forum. I'm just going to stop typing, because I've become ashamed.
Click to expand...

You and I both know that process of thinking is completely irrational, yet we both continue to think it. We are not perfect, we cannot get/have/be everything we want, yet we still strive for it, still expect from ourselves. It sucks, we just have to keep reminding ourselves it isn't the end of the world, our sanity most likely stay in tact, and happiness is a state of mind not a state of affairs.

I know what you mean about sabotaging yourself, I feel like I do it all the time, like I deserve it or something, as if digging myself into a hole will teach me a lesson.

In real life I'm already in absolute secrecy and quiet-ness,and was also feel pushed to do the same on spw. I think that secrecy is a wall of sorts, the less people know about the less they can judge you on a personal level. The more specific I get the more worried I get I'll contradict myself and look like a hypocritical phony. I always feel like I have an identity crisis, I really don't know who I am exactly, and afraid by being open I'll mislead about myself. I was half thinking to delete half the stuff I just typed but I'm going to trust myself, maybe edit it later.

There's nothing wrong with feeling ashamed (or there's something very wrong with me), but there's also nothing to be ashamed of.
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
oh gosh, ((guys))

didn't want to post yesterday cause I didn't want to bring you down with my low moods, lol... :D so I posted elsewhere, not to bring down this thread, lol.. and to think of more cheerful answers, lol.. hope I didn't do that via invisible space anyway, hmm??

I have a low day today too.. The meeting yesterday didn't go so well (though we got a nifty eco e-mail later lol I think the charity org pres is not too happy with all the trash either.. at least you try to make people think.. maybe next year will be better..) and the guy didn't call so I'm now wondering if he has SA too or something else is in play..? (and whether to call or not??)

I'm even wondering if it's something to do with adrenals or such, 'overexcitement' followed by 'down' time.. or just 'bipolar-ishness'? (Hey maybe you can ask your therapist?)

I was soo happy after what Escape posted yesterday!! :)

I found I take gluten/milk to calm down, sort of.. Not sure if it's 'addiction' or just natural anti-stress hormones.. I prefer the brain a bit foggy to deal with everyday craziness.. and I'm aware of it.. probably will need to get properly tested for celiac, yikes..

What do you need to grieve about?

After your posts the other day I started thinking that my writing behind tables that are bad ergonomically is a form of self-harm too.. Though it's not so eco to buy new ones, and even if we managed to find good retro desks where to put the old ones hmm? I think you inspired me to at least go look for better options again...

I think my not going out for a walk is a way of self-punishment too, grr.. at first it started as rebellion (if mom 'n' dad tell you too, of course you don't wanna go! if you're a grown up who hates being treated as a 6 year old), and being a bit ashamed of being seen out there (without a proper job, husband or kids).. and too boring trails to go to.. (or people commenting, 'Oh you always go there' near their house, and sometimes/often I just didn't see them to wave or something.. and me being embarassed and not knowing what to say...)
It can be sucky, yup..

We wish everything could happen 'right now', things usually don't go so quickly... The important thing is to keep going.. You know, water drop doesn't make a hole into stone with strength, but 'drop by drop' with frequency and constant falling..

Escape there is almost the exact same example in that book!! (And someone almost 2x your age said it!!) about the therapist..

You're so lucky you found a good one!! People report all sorts of horror stories...

I think many may idealize therapists a bit too.. They are on their 'best behavior' then, you don't see them cranky or hungry or telling kids to do the dishes.. I am saying that cause a girl locally idealized my mom too.. she thought my mom was - ideal mom!! and reality couldn't be farther.. (though I admit my mom is better than her mom, but still not perfect..) It can be easy to idealize people one doesn't really know all that well..

And I think it's only natural and actually a good step into 'growing up' probably that you don't feel 'totally supported' here... (??) because feeling totally supported might soon mean some sort of dependency.. and that's easy to fall into..

If someone has been rude, do tell, and I or any of the moderators will whip them into shape!

And if I said or did anything that made you feel bad, do tell too.. I may sometimes be a bit blunt too or say things that would better be said more diplomatically or unsaid.. (If it's about what I wrote about alcohol - I hate the alcohol and the damage it does, not the people who sometimes resort to it...)

I have an issue with privacy/secrecy too.. Partly it's good, to be private and professional about things.. The internets exist in a vacuum and anyone can see this - so, people can be inspired too.. It's just good to maintain a level of anonymity with it - maybe have photos and personal info for friends only or just send in PMs to people who seem trustworthy..

Ideally there would be a more private place for sort of personal details and things, some forums have that..

don't know what to write.. I find wisdom in what you write. You inspire me... I'll be sad if you stop posting... though I understand you too..
Anyway, love you even if you're feeling down or have a sucky day... or even if you stop posting (I hope not!!)

sorry for the scattered post, still need to do some house work, today is a bit scattered anyway..

((hugs))

Are there any other SA or volunteer groups, on other days? Or maybe on alternate weeks? (like one is first thursday in the month, the other the second? Or could you ask organizers if there are any alternative options? If many others would be okay with another day, maybe there could be a reschedule or two groups? You don't have to say what you have that day, just that you have some other things that day but you'd still love to come to this group/help out? Maybe the organizers have similar groups in a different part of town?)
 
A

Acegame

Well-known member
Hey please don't be ashamed. I'm always excited when i see you wrote something new ;) Not that i'm glad you are not feeling well at times, but i just like your view on things. And i do think you are very (very!) smart, i just wish you would start using it in a constructive way instead of damaging yourself :(

I think you are just a little depressed at times. All these deep thoughts you have are just caused by feelings of depression. You are asking yourself questions, but every question gives you 10 other new questions. But there are no answers. Someone else wrote it on the forum somewhere today, dont remember who, but depression is just a deformity of the brain. Don't let it make you feel negative about yourself. Try to focus on the thought that there are people who do think you are worthy, here on SPW, your therapist, etc.

Nice you went outside to do some grocuries. You should do it again tomorrow, i assure you it gets better every time. 3 weeks ago i started taking walks through bussy parts of the town everyday. In the beginning i couldnt even walk normal. I felt like a just born calf :D But after a few days i caught myself just walking and having wandering thoughts about things i saw outside. I wasn't that selfconscious anymore which felt great. What im trying to say is that the overwhelming feelings you have when you go outside are just caused by the lack of practise, and not because there is something very wrong with you.

As for the therapist thing. Maybe you should look at it differently. It's nice to have someone who you feel that really cares about you. Wouldn't it be a shame to waste that? People who you feel really close to and comfortable with are hard to find. Eventually you will find someone (friend, lifepartner, doesn't matter) who gives you the comfort you are looking for. In the mean time please let us give you comfort (allthough i know its not the same...) :)

Blame more on your anxiety and depression instead of yourself! If you weren't so anxious you wouldn't have all these depressive thoughts (and vice versa) And there is proof to get over it. Hold on to that.
 
coyote

coyote

Well-known member
Feathers said:
Also, what are chia seeds and what do you do with them?? :)
Click to expand...

chia-seeds.jpg


Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet!
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
oh gosh.. my sis and I have fought over avocados too.. they are quite expensive, aren't they?

anyway, I think it's good to rotate foods.. when I was eating lots of rice and beans I almost got allergic/got intolerance to beans too.. (?) so, hm? can you get any other forms of 'staple foods'?

I think people often see in others what they fear to become..
for example a friend who had eating problems (anorexia/bulimia/health-related, a mix of things sort of) asked several times if I was anorexic?? (never was)
Also my sis thought I had 'issues with food' (but she overeats and has had more problems than I too, in some regards.. bodies react differently..)

Try to not let it get to you.. if necessary, buy some of the food with your own money, no one can imply anything then.. (my sis stashes some very unhealthy reserves in her room...??)

You can also say something like, 'Yeah, I'm messed up, gonna bite your head off if you don't watch it,' although that would be kinda mean, hmm.. (the idea is to not contradict, just go along with what they are saying even if it's totally unreasonable and exaggerate it so it sounds ridiculous or something.. the waitress friend told me this one too, maybe it's good to watch it with relatives though.. as they may quote you on things later on-?) If you really hate your sis and she's older than you, you could say, 'Just going after you/learning from you.' Though this may really hurt her. So I don't recommend it.

I think your family are concerned about you, and may even love you in their own weird twisted ways, just may have very weird ways of showing it...

It may be useful to print them out any expert info on intolerances or get any magazines if possible..

Thanks for info on chia seeds, I may try to find them somewhere here... only ate hemp seeds so far..

On the other hand, is this the sis you've been meaning to live with? Or with the same attitude? If so, might wanna consider living with other people next year.. Can you get scholarships if you're below certain income? How long till September? (If you get dorm for cheaper, if you'd get a private room I recommend start looking in June, so, how many days till June? :))

Mom chased me off PC and I was stuck playing the guitar. I haven't really practised in a loong time.. And I went over the old songs, some of which we sang at the dorm.. I remembered why it's really fun to sing songs.. You sorta 'erase' your own thoughts and replace with lyrics, and lyrics can be uplifting and make you feel better.. Or express what you've been trying to express and couldn't, or just 'erase' bad feelings.. So, might wanna try that too..
(that's in connection with the water drop analogy!)

great to hear you found alternative means of going to both groups!! :) YAY!!
 
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EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
Want to see something ridiculous?
This is how I spend my spare time.. Drawing in the carpet with my hands

INDIANPAIN.jpg



I'm proud of this, BECAUSE!!! I did it in like 10-20 minutes and then was not tempted to refine it to perfection. I see MANY problems.. like the unevennes of the eyes...x[ but instead I just left it as a doodle/draft and.. then erased it. The problem I have with art, is that I can pick out problems FOREVER!!! Spend days on it! And it becomes something that stresses me out.
 
F

Feathers

Well-known member
WOW you're a genius!!

I've been wondering for ages how to have eco-friendly way of drawing/painting!!

(You just mess it up again, no iffy chemicals involved, WOW!!)

This looks really awesome!! Like yup, worth for an illustration somewhere.. I've seen way worse illustrations officially published.. (Okay we're a small country but still...!!)

/That said, goes to search for a carpet. Doesn't have it. hmm.. What else could be used?/
 
BlackPuma

BlackPuma

1
EscapeArtist said:
Want to see something ridiculous?
This is how I spend my spare time.. Drawing in the carpet with my hands


I'm proud of this, BECAUSE!!! I did it in like 10-20 minutes and then was not tempted to refine it to perfection. I see MANY problems.. like the unevennes of the eyes...x[ but instead I just left it as a doodle/draft and.. then erased it. The problem I have with art, is that I can pick out problems FOREVER!!! Spend days on it! And it becomes something that stresses me out.
Click to expand...

I'd SOOOO give you rep for that if SPW didn't stop me from doing so. That's pretty f'ing awesome. x3
 
Sial Axetder

Sial Axetder

1
EscapeArtist said:
Want to see something ridiculous?
This is how I spend my spare time.. Drawing in the carpet with my hands

INDIANPAIN.jpg



I'm proud of this, BECAUSE!!! I did it in like 10-20 minutes and then was not tempted to refine it to perfection. I see MANY problems.. like the unevennes of the eyes...x[ but instead I just left it as a doodle/draft and.. then erased it. The problem I have with art, is that I can pick out problems FOREVER!!! Spend days on it! And it becomes something that stresses me out.
Click to expand...

Looks good, guess this doesn't work well on hardwood floors, then.

When I write I can spend many hours and days just editing. Why nothing I have done is finished.

I have come to the realization that perfection is unobtainable. If it was obtainable I'd have many things done.
 
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