Hm okay, I already posted a question similar to this in thread-format about a few months ago.
Who here has moved during childhood?
Of course you all know that I use food to stifle emotions. Well, I've been raw for a weekish now and whenever I go raw I begin to feel emotions that I stifled for years and years and years. It's really weird. They call it 'emotional detoxification', and I read something about the science of it, and how neurotrasmitters can actually get stuck in places in the brain and are released when the body detoxifies. Well I've got a lot to release, because I didn't feel many emotions throughout my life.
Anyways.. So I'm having a pretty normal day, looking at some gardening volunteer flyers that I picked up and I have one of those 'sudden flashbacks of childhood' accompanied with a heavy emotional despair. This flashback was originally about being at a pumpkin patch with my family, drinking apple cider on a hayride.
And it sent me straight to tears, which is unique to this raw food thing, because I don't usually even remember my childhood.
This happened the first time I went raw, a few months back... It was, a breakthrough. I felt for the first time emotions that had been holding me back for a very long time. It was about the move from Oregon to here, when I was about 10 years old. Suddenly all the feelings of loss from that move hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried for 3 hours straight, heavier than I ever have and without analyzing 'whether i'm crying right' (which I usually do when it's forced). That day brought me many epiphanies, because I didn't even realize that the move affected me.
So I had a moment like that but to a lesser extreme. I guess somehow I have opened the grieving process that I closed off when I was young.
I started tracing back the move... and suddenly, I realized just now that I moved more than once as a child. So I started trying to think back... And I realized that I must have moved 4-6 times as a child, before I could even remember the process, that is. I don't know where I was born, but it was either in Winnipeg or Vancouver... I'm pretty sure I was born in Winnipeg, which doesn't make sense because my younger sister was born in Vancouver but we lived in Winnipeg until I was 4. So I'm guessing it must have been like Winnipeg (born) >Vancouver (age??)>Winnipeg (age??)>Oregon (age 5) >Vancouver (age 10). Keep in mind it was never to the same house or neighbourhood and it was all over the course of my first 10 years.
I don't remember anything from the first Winnipeg life or the Vancouver life, but I do have memories of the second Winnipeg life. I went to nursery (a before-kindergarten grade) and made a really nice friend. I remember we both loved rainbow fish. I also remember loving the sandbox, painting, and the little aquarium we had in the nursery. I remember the layout of the house we lived in perfectly, one of my favorite book stores that was made completely of wood where the children's section was up a ladder, and mostly playing alone. I remember that stuffed animals were my friends, and once I put on in the vent because it went to jail for doing something wrong, and it got carried away with the air... I cried for a long time, like a friend was lost. That stuffed animal symbolized the connection with my sister, I had a blue one and she had a pink one, and we got them at that favorite book store of mine. Anyways...
All I remember from the move is that sweet Nicole (I think that's her name) gave me a rainbow fish book with writing inside telling me goodbye. (She actually sent me a card 5 years ago telling me how her life was going with a picture of her now, I didn't reply... I guess I didn't see the point at the time)
And then I remember being in Oregon, I knew it as "the rainy place" because my parents always talked about how Oregon rained a lot. The neighbourhood was super super close and held events monthly. We were welcomed, and quickly became a part of the close neighbourhood... Except me. My 2 sisters made friends within the neighbourhood quickly, but I was introverted and that just didn't happen.
After going to kindergarten, my mom decided to find a friend for me because I didn't have one ever since we moved. Of course, the one she chose became my best friend ever. We got along so well and I saw her house as home, her mom as my mom, and she was like a sister. The school I was put into became a home, a place where I was accepted and where I excelled.. It was a FABULOUS school, the teachers were like parents, they had many events at the school (Australian day, with a real zoo of australian animals brought to the school!, a carnival was brought to the school each year, we even had George W. Bush come to visit when he was in the election process)
I was definitely settled and even though I didn't make anymore close friends, I made a lot of acquaintances who I saw at school each day. 3rd and 4th grade was when I began to feel like I fit in, It was home and the class and teachers were my family.
We moved near the end of 4th grade... How nice it was of my best friend's mom to surprise me with an announcement in class about my leaving, and getting everybody in the class to sign a pillow case for me... My parents then threw a going away party which involved the students and teachers who I loved, and they gave me gifts and cards and good wishes... I didn't know what was going on, I didn't know what it all meant honestly, but I was having fun eating pizza and playing around anyways.
And then suddenly it was time to move. I remember giving my best friend a big hug, we were both in denial, and I remember her actually being... quite angry and withdrawy when we last saw each other. I still didn't understand what moving meant, I remember the exact moment the trauma of it all hit- I was in the car, waving and smiling because I loved road trips and that's what this was. And then as we turned the corner, I realized what moving meant, and I don't think I spoke for the whole 2 day trip. This is where some major depression set in.
We were going to live in my grandmother's apartment with her for a few months. Dad was jobless (he lost his job, we were still Canadian citizens, couldnt' stay in America). I remember the first few days, I hid in books that I had received while down in Oregon. My sisters and dad were outside doing things, and I would be in our shared room alone reading in the dark for days. I didn't seem to acknowledge any of the emotions I was feeling, but rather I disguised them in books that ended traumatically and caused me to cry for days over "the book ending on me". I think it caused so much despair for the book to end because I saw it as losing another friend from Oregon, losing that shelter that I was hiding in.
So, we moved to a neighbourhood outside of Vancouver, and once again my mom set me up with a friend... Because I couldn't make any. We got along great, all was well. I do remember that I began to grieve the loss of Oregon at this point and I cried every night, wrote sad poems, and even prayed to God when I didn't know who to talk to. But eventually I began to focus on my new found friendship, and I made 2 more, although less-close, because I was used to sticking by one good friend at this point.
When we both went to the new school, we were excluded as the new kids. The extreme exclusion was a huge shock to my close-community-adapted self. The people were mean here, rich and snobby. They were too grown up, they only cared what boys thought of them, they were stuck up and refused to interact with us even when forced. The teacher didn't like me and I was completely ignored. I remember the first day of school feeling so lost because I didn't know what everybody was talking about, and teacher got mad at me for not knowing how the school worked around there.
I was becoming more and more depressed and lonely. Well, I pushed away that best friend after about 4 years of us knowing each other. In highschool I attached myself to a new best friend, for 4 years, we were both majorly depressed and she also had attachment issues stemming from a childhood move (we bonded over the effects and the similar attitude, but I didn't realize we were both in the same situation until recently). We basically promised never to leave eachother because 'everbody leaves'. I pushed her away eventually by purposely being mean, so then she decided to stop contacting me, just like I wished, yet it hurt deep. 4 years seems to be the trend here. I knew Nicole for about 3 years I think, and then my Oregon friends for 4, so I guess I began to replicate this pattern myself because I figured after 4 years they would leave or not care about me anymore.
And that pretty much leaves me where I am today, except a year after the pushing away of that last friend.
I looked up 'effect of moving on children' and saw that many of the studies mentioned that introverted children who move a lot during childhood do not learn to make social connections, they withdraw, yearn to feel safe or belonging, and that they oftentimes do not trust the world or trust anybody with their emotions if their parents do not offer proper emotional support (mine did not.) I now think that what I suffer from is infact PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder- revolving around these moves, and also child neglect. In particular, Oregon damaged me because after moving at a young age I was desperate to attach and I was also desperate for a supportive and comfortable atmosphere. Once I finally got it, it was ripped away from me, as the other places were... that I was less attached to. Also, my family was never good at being a family, so the community in Oregon was all I had for family. When we left, the family fell apart, too. The divorce followed soon after, the sisters began to hide in their own ways and I think that they are still hiding... And so feelings of alone-ness and distrust in the world were quick
lastly, I am pretty damn sure I have posted about this already, maybe even in detail, but when it comes up I need to get it out, and each time it comes up It becomes a little more detailed and logical to who I am today, and how I got here. I'm sure there will be many more revelations to come in the next few days if I don't stifle these emotions anymore.. I have realized that when I 'poison' myself, practically, with allergenic food, it's to feel as I did as a child in my favorite elementary school (the food was horrible health wise and I didn't know of my allergies back then) and also so that I can focus on how sick I feel and not have to acknowledge these emotions that I've been bottling up for so long. I'm quite excited for other things to 'come up'.
Sorry again for anybody who has already read a very similar post and is now re-reading this and having a de-ja-vu
(From a website)
For those coping with a traumatic experience:
* Don’t isolate. Following a trauma, you may want to withdraw from others. But isolation makes things worse. Connecting to others will help you heal, so make an effort to maintain your relationships and avoid spending too much time alone.
* Ask for support. It’s important to talk about your feelings and ask for the help you need. Turn to a trusted family member, friend, counselor, or clergyman. You may also want to join a support group for trauma survivors. Support groups are especially helpful if your personal support network is limited.
* Establish a daily routine. In order to stay grounded after a trauma, it helps to have a structured schedule to follow. Try to stick to a daily routine, with regular times for waking, sleeping, eating, working, and exercise. Make sure to schedule time for relaxing and social activities, too.
* Take care of your health. A healthy body increases your ability to cope with stress. Get plenty of rest, exercise regularly, and eat a well-balanced diet. It’s also important to avoid alcohol and drugs. Alcohol and drug use can worsen your trauma symptoms and exacerbate feelings of depression, anxiety, and isolation.
