LycraPantiies92
Well-known member
I've got no idea what sharing love in a family is like as i've never had it.
I think i heard my parents doing 'it' like once.
We are now(me, mum, brother, any more family further away etc) are very distant. We talk if we have to kind of thing. Most of my family actually hate each other.
But i don't think this is the case with all sa people? As most(well all but one guy who i feel similar to) i've known seem to live in a loving family, well, the fact that it's still together shows as much.
I just wonder what that'd be like to feel cared about. My parents were emotionally just unavailable for me, I remember my early childhood spent in my bedroom sitting alone, drawing, watching tv etc. I didn't ever do anything much with family. Every friday night i'd play my westlife cds at one point. Well maybe once a year they'd 'think' about doing something, ie my mum would beg my dad to take us somewhere which he'd never do.
My dad was an alcoholic as i've maybe mentioned before, so he spent a lot of his time at the pub, especially when unemployed.
My mum was neurotic and anxious. But not really over me just in general
She did clearly walk on eggshells to please my dad, but he was never pleased. Her attempts were like a wet monday morning to him.
He mainly controllled her money, well he did control it, I'm unsure if my mum actually had a bank account.
she was grilled if she spent over £20 at the shops, while my dad spent whatever he liked at the pub/on friends. And it was my mum's wages.
Its only recently i've been thinking about how he affected me, and definately my view of other men. I've never been involved in any way with men tho, but i imagine if i ever have i'd always be assessing them to see if they were as controlling and dominant.
He was definately very controlling and over the top. And very bad tempered even on good days, which was only fuelled even more by his alcohol consumption.
You never knew what mood he'd be in either, he was either speaking out his arse about taking fantasy trips to the beach and going 'anywhere i wanted' or shouting, smashing things and saying most awful things.
My mum and dad were such a mismatch.
They didn't get on in their own relationship. It wasn't pretty. I'm sure there's worse things that happened that my mum may know. I don't know everything, there'd been times i wouldn't have witnessed it. But the few times i did, i giess i remember crying and wanting to help my mum and wishing he'd stop treating her like crap.
He threw things at her, hit her and called her awful things. Which i heard from my room, i remember listening in as a kid. Crying, covvering my ears etc. Just wishing he'd pee off.
She was 'useless' mostly, that one was obviosly said so much, i fear she still thinks she is. Nobody should say those things about anyone though and i wish she'd beloeve she wasnt useless, she just couldn't live up to his high standards.
My gran provided for me as a kid really, clothes mostly, she always had food whwn we didnt have any. And the best company i've ever had, she was so lovely.
Sometimes my dad would hide his money. Like he'd maybe leave me my bus money out but wouldn't give me any more so i could eat or anything. He'd get really angry if i needed any of his money.
I dunno why, bit sad ! I needed to live. But ofc he denied me that.
I remember once in like primary school i started stealing the other kids food out their lunchboxes, that was terrible, I'd go into the class at lunch:s
They got social work involved that time, but my parents forced me to eat ion front of them and din't obviously say it was a money issue that theyd rather spend money on other things less important like clothes.
I remember at that point they'd make me eat in front of them, i remember once sitting like 4 hours over this awful soup i didn't even like, i felt like he wanted to just sit there and ridicule me. Probably for getting them involved with us
But i remember once bieng ill or something, and my dad was in the livingroom, dunno why i went to him but i did, i was prety young, told him i was scared and he just snapped at me and i went to my room crying.
I bet i didn't tell him i was ill again:|probably the only time i ever did too.
I felt like they treated me as if i was in some way bad, when i wasnt. And he'd always act normal to other peopel. Well he was awful in what he said abotu his family with his friends and at one time his friends told us 'id ont like the way uir dad treats yous' i was like :# well what can i do!
It'd be really over the top things like someone ate the last of the ham and my dad would call everyone awful names and shout at us:s. Or there was no x y z and my room wasnt tidied or there was crumbs on the floor! But the rest of the house was a total tip. I remember once being grounded for a MONTH cos of crumbs on my floor. Made me wrongly believe i'd been very bad. I hadn't done anything much:s
I'd get left alone in the house a lot when my mum worked nights, would be the sunday night as that was the night my mum went back to work:s so my dad couldnt have been employed. My dad would be at the pub drunk and not be bothered or care to come home even tho i was a lil too young to be left, maybe they treated me like i was older,
my mum acted like i was an adult and spoke to me like i was a friend possibly even a parent, but she grew out of that, isn't as much like it now. but still is a bit. but that was odd as a kid. :s
Sometimes i'd just go to bed as my dad was that late back. Leave the door open:s Sometimes i'd cry cos i didnt want to be left alone so would beg my mum to take me to the pub (lmao) where i had to sit and watch my dad drunk, he'd maybe buy me cola. but we'd be there ages. at that age i did not want to be in a pub!
I remember being ill once and still being left, while quite ill! man. i know work was important but they couldve left me with someone, didnt seem they cared to. :s. it's like they didnt really notice or care that i was ill too.
and i'd miss my mum quite a lot:$ so i'd take her clothes and cuddle it:s!!
cos i was always like that as a child. feared she wouldnt come back or something maybe when i think back now:s grew out of that. i also used to feel anxious/ill. maybe i was subcounsoisly scared my dad would hurt her more seriously.
I remember i'd put antiques roadshow on then watch some drama on bbc1. that kept me company.
But yeah basically saying i was very alone as a kid and i'm not even sure that was normal. I am very alone now still mind u.
I remember even the really poor friends i had their parents were decent and caring. Took an interest in them, unfortuantely mine just didnt.
Share experiences?
I think i heard my parents doing 'it' like once.
We are now(me, mum, brother, any more family further away etc) are very distant. We talk if we have to kind of thing. Most of my family actually hate each other.
But i don't think this is the case with all sa people? As most(well all but one guy who i feel similar to) i've known seem to live in a loving family, well, the fact that it's still together shows as much.
I just wonder what that'd be like to feel cared about. My parents were emotionally just unavailable for me, I remember my early childhood spent in my bedroom sitting alone, drawing, watching tv etc. I didn't ever do anything much with family. Every friday night i'd play my westlife cds at one point. Well maybe once a year they'd 'think' about doing something, ie my mum would beg my dad to take us somewhere which he'd never do.
My dad was an alcoholic as i've maybe mentioned before, so he spent a lot of his time at the pub, especially when unemployed.
My mum was neurotic and anxious. But not really over me just in general
She did clearly walk on eggshells to please my dad, but he was never pleased. Her attempts were like a wet monday morning to him.
He mainly controllled her money, well he did control it, I'm unsure if my mum actually had a bank account.
she was grilled if she spent over £20 at the shops, while my dad spent whatever he liked at the pub/on friends. And it was my mum's wages.
Its only recently i've been thinking about how he affected me, and definately my view of other men. I've never been involved in any way with men tho, but i imagine if i ever have i'd always be assessing them to see if they were as controlling and dominant.
He was definately very controlling and over the top. And very bad tempered even on good days, which was only fuelled even more by his alcohol consumption.
You never knew what mood he'd be in either, he was either speaking out his arse about taking fantasy trips to the beach and going 'anywhere i wanted' or shouting, smashing things and saying most awful things.
My mum and dad were such a mismatch.
They didn't get on in their own relationship. It wasn't pretty. I'm sure there's worse things that happened that my mum may know. I don't know everything, there'd been times i wouldn't have witnessed it. But the few times i did, i giess i remember crying and wanting to help my mum and wishing he'd stop treating her like crap.
He threw things at her, hit her and called her awful things. Which i heard from my room, i remember listening in as a kid. Crying, covvering my ears etc. Just wishing he'd pee off.
She was 'useless' mostly, that one was obviosly said so much, i fear she still thinks she is. Nobody should say those things about anyone though and i wish she'd beloeve she wasnt useless, she just couldn't live up to his high standards.
My gran provided for me as a kid really, clothes mostly, she always had food whwn we didnt have any. And the best company i've ever had, she was so lovely.
Sometimes my dad would hide his money. Like he'd maybe leave me my bus money out but wouldn't give me any more so i could eat or anything. He'd get really angry if i needed any of his money.
I dunno why, bit sad ! I needed to live. But ofc he denied me that.
I remember once in like primary school i started stealing the other kids food out their lunchboxes, that was terrible, I'd go into the class at lunch:s
They got social work involved that time, but my parents forced me to eat ion front of them and din't obviously say it was a money issue that theyd rather spend money on other things less important like clothes.
I remember at that point they'd make me eat in front of them, i remember once sitting like 4 hours over this awful soup i didn't even like, i felt like he wanted to just sit there and ridicule me. Probably for getting them involved with us
But i remember once bieng ill or something, and my dad was in the livingroom, dunno why i went to him but i did, i was prety young, told him i was scared and he just snapped at me and i went to my room crying.
I bet i didn't tell him i was ill again:|probably the only time i ever did too.
I felt like they treated me as if i was in some way bad, when i wasnt. And he'd always act normal to other peopel. Well he was awful in what he said abotu his family with his friends and at one time his friends told us 'id ont like the way uir dad treats yous' i was like :# well what can i do!
It'd be really over the top things like someone ate the last of the ham and my dad would call everyone awful names and shout at us:s. Or there was no x y z and my room wasnt tidied or there was crumbs on the floor! But the rest of the house was a total tip. I remember once being grounded for a MONTH cos of crumbs on my floor. Made me wrongly believe i'd been very bad. I hadn't done anything much:s
I'd get left alone in the house a lot when my mum worked nights, would be the sunday night as that was the night my mum went back to work:s so my dad couldnt have been employed. My dad would be at the pub drunk and not be bothered or care to come home even tho i was a lil too young to be left, maybe they treated me like i was older,
my mum acted like i was an adult and spoke to me like i was a friend possibly even a parent, but she grew out of that, isn't as much like it now. but still is a bit. but that was odd as a kid. :s
Sometimes i'd just go to bed as my dad was that late back. Leave the door open:s Sometimes i'd cry cos i didnt want to be left alone so would beg my mum to take me to the pub (lmao) where i had to sit and watch my dad drunk, he'd maybe buy me cola. but we'd be there ages. at that age i did not want to be in a pub!
I remember being ill once and still being left, while quite ill! man. i know work was important but they couldve left me with someone, didnt seem they cared to. :s. it's like they didnt really notice or care that i was ill too.
and i'd miss my mum quite a lot:$ so i'd take her clothes and cuddle it:s!!
cos i was always like that as a child. feared she wouldnt come back or something maybe when i think back now:s grew out of that. i also used to feel anxious/ill. maybe i was subcounsoisly scared my dad would hurt her more seriously.
I remember i'd put antiques roadshow on then watch some drama on bbc1. that kept me company.
But yeah basically saying i was very alone as a kid and i'm not even sure that was normal. I am very alone now still mind u.
I remember even the really poor friends i had their parents were decent and caring. Took an interest in them, unfortuantely mine just didnt.
Share experiences?
