did being the good guy/ girl ever brought you anything?

[da_illest101]

So I'm thinking about some changes I want to bring in my life, i realized that always thinking negative didn't always workout well.

But now I'm thinking about being the good guy, the one who always help out. what did i ever gain from this? Sure I can't see myself turning into an jerk in a second but I'm considering some modification because it never brought me anything at all

 

[eek]

So I'm thinking about some changes I want to bring in my life, i realized that always thinking negative didn't always workout well.

But now I'm thinking about being the good guy, the one who always help out. what did i ever gain from this? Sure I can't see myself turning into an jerk in a second but I'm considering some modification because it never brought me anything at all

There isn't a version of me that is good or bad. I am just me, the good and the bad. How do you propose to become this 'bad' character?

 

[da_illest101]

There isn't a version of me that is good or bad. I am just me, the good and the bad. How do you propose to become this 'bad' character?

by becoming more selfish, more self centered, not helping others. I'm speaking relatively too, obviously you can have a jerk that does some good deeds and and a good person who doesn't want to help others. I'm really talking about being the caring one or even the one who get used by others and get nothing in return

 

[maiato]

I think u should start maybe for being more Assertive. Sometimes we finish say YES (the good guy) when we want say NO (what we sometimes see as the "bad" guy)...of corse none of this make any sense. But we see reality in diferent way most of the times. So if this applies to you, than it may help u when u say "the one who get used by others and get nothing in return".

 

[Minty]

You have control over who you care about? You can just turn it off like a switch? I don't operate like that, so I'm really curious.

You should definitely NOT let yourself be used. Ever. Allowing yourself to be used by others is not "kind" or "considerate". It enables manipulators. It tells them that it's okay to manipulate people and once they've used you up, they'll move on to use others. So you're actually hurting others by allowing that behavior to continue, not to mention yourself. Have some self-respect. You deserve it, trust me.

 

[eek]

by becoming more selfish, more self centered, not helping others. I'm speaking relatively too, obviously you can have a jerk that does some good deeds and and a good person who doesn't want to help others. I'm really talking about being the caring one or even the one who get used by others and get nothing in return

The friends I usually make initiate conversation and are offering something-- ie they can teach you a new hobby, sell you things you want, etc. I don't know if this applies to you, but I can always tell when somebody just wants to take advantage of me. These people never have anything to offer and are always asking for something. I am extremely mean and confrontational whenever I see these people... they usually get the message.

 

[Kiwong]

Yes, trying to be good brings peace to my life.

 

[1986Poe]

brought me nothing (the way i feel about this depends)

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Karma doesn't always repay you quickly, but it does repay.

 

[Falkor]

I admire people like you, people don't like b*tches and jerks ::
People who are caring, a true friend, are worth gold.

Maybe you are too afraid to come up for yourself, cuz you are always thinking of others?? or you probably want to be a lil more assertive, just to show that people you have an opinion too, show u are a strong person and not caring about what people think.

My advice is.. Think of yourself. It's totally not egoistic to think of yourself.
Don't think about others all the time, they will find a way too.
You know what I like about life, it's about ''becoming a strong individual''
that's what i'm working on now. It's the lesson i've learned in life.
You should become a strong ''you'' this is especially good to realise for people who doesn't have a lot of friends, no support or not a relationship.
You guys should love yourself, or either way, become a strong individual.
Make your own succes, follow your dreams, today is the day, go for what you really want, think about it, or.... i should say, don't think and just go for it!
But that's hard for us, we are so thoughtful ::

Good luck. find the key of your own hapiness in life

Greetings!

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Why even label yourself good or bad? Few things in life are black and white terms. You can get what you want without be self-centered and a "jerk". By simply being calm and assertive. Simply stated, not simply achieved. Frankly - I find my "caring about others" genuine but a lot of what I"d allow ppl walking over me and advantage reaping is about what they think of me. I base a lot of my value is based on their judgment. That gets you no where.

It's still something I'm working on. Ppl take advantage of the weak and those who allow themselves to be taken advantage of. You can't always control other ppl but you can control one person - yourself. A lot of us with these issues fall into that. But you dont need to become THOSE ppl aka "the bad" to "bring you things".

Frankly - from my experience - it's not about them or others. It's about being responsible to ourselves. Us with SA and these struggles are reactive people. We gotta become proactive.

It's our consent to what happens to us or what others do to us, that hurts us more than that event or action in the first place. A good quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can hurt you without your consent". Sounds like hogwash at first, but more I open myself to that observation the more I realize how true it becomes. It's hard to accept. Someone else said, "It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us". IE: other ppl... (obviously things can hurt us physically etc. not talking about that). We can't build our emotional well-being on the behavior and actions of others. The only true thing we can control is our response and reaction to all of that ****.

That's what being calmly assertive (calmly means not aggressive or a douche) it's a proactive stance. You can be a "good guy" and be this. =)

(this is something I'm TRYING to practice and live - it's very very hard)

 

[RolloTomasi]

I've always tried to be the "good guy." It works and it doesn't. I've learned the hard way that there's a fine line to walk. You can't let people walk all over you and being a jerk to everyone is simply too tiring for me. I'm a pretty moral person. My personal ethics mean a lot to me. I don't cross certain lines. So yeah, I have good days where I'm all smiles and laughs and some days I feel like kicking a kitten through an electric fan.

As long as I can look at myself in the mirror and meet my own gaze without feeling ashamed, it was a decent enough day.

 

[JamesSmith]

So I'm thinking about some changes I want to bring in my life, i realized that always thinking negative didn't always workout well.

But now I'm thinking about being the good guy, the one who always help out. what did i ever gain from this? Sure I can't see myself turning into an jerk in a second but I'm considering some modification because it never brought me anything at all

I've pondered this before. Our problem is our anxiety, not our manners. Being nice is something you should hold on to. Lots of people have liked me throughout my life because I'm a nice guy, it's just it's harder to notice this when you don't talk to very many people like i don't. But trust me, being a prick is not the way to go. If you start being mean then you'll be a shy prick instead of shy nice guy. Then people really won't like you.

 

[Surrogate]

Sounds like you don't trust yourself enough.
Remember, put yourself first before others! Only then can you have the ability and mindset to put others before yourself, afterwards.

Don't let other people 'use' you, as in having them think you're just another person they can manipulate and forget about. How? Just think about what they're doing for you. As selfish as this sounds, if it doesn't benefit you in ANY way, shape, or form (even the strangest or tiniest things like 'making you happy because you idolize them and/or want them to notice you'), DON'T do it.

After you've pleased yourself, you can go ahead and disregard the above advice and start extending your leniency and barriers. Remember, you're a dynamic person, you can change!

 

[Kinetik]

It brought me loads of things, and I'm nearly always a nice guy.

But it depends on your definition of 'nice'. Don't confuse it with the behavior you demonstrate while under the effects of an infantile infatuation, for example. Know your boundaries, know when to leave, and keep your integrity.

If you're giving too much, that's often not considered nice, oddly enough. Subconsciously we tend to view it as manipulative because what you're doing is putting the other person in a position of debt - and nobody likes that pressure. You've probably heard that you shouldn't go around buying women drinks, meals or expensive gifts, for example. The reason is the same. Nobody wants to owe you anything - they'd rather be respected as equals and judged on the merits they take pride in (their personality etc).

Stay friendly, but think of yourself first, and only give as much as you feel the other person would give you. That's not being a jerk by any means - it's being human, and that's what people value. Your time, energy, money and standards are just as important as the next person's.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

It brought me loads of things, and I'm nearly always a nice guy.

But it depends on your definition of 'nice'. Don't confuse it with the behavior you demonstrate while under the effects of an infantile infatuation, for example. Know your boundaries, know when to leave, and keep your integrity.

If you're giving too much, that's often not considered nice, oddly enough. Subconsciously we tend to view it as manipulative because what you're doing is putting the other person in a position of debt - and nobody likes that pressure. You've probably heard that you shouldn't go around buying women drinks, meals or expensive gifts, for example. The reason is the same. Nobody wants to owe you anything - they'd rather be respected as equals and judged on the merits they take pride in (their personality etc).

Stay friendly, but think of yourself first, and only give as much as you feel the other person would give you. That's not being a jerk by any means - it's being human, and that's what people value. Your time, energy, money and standards are just as important as the next person's.

I... agree.

 

[mmmm]

So I'm thinking about some changes I want to bring in my life, i realized that always thinking negative didn't always workout well.

But now I'm thinking about being the good guy, the one who always help out. what did i ever gain from this? Sure I can't see myself turning into an jerk in a second but I'm considering some modification because it never brought me anything at all

If I was only being a good person because I thought it would "bring me something", would that still make me a good person? I don't consider myself either good or bad. I simply recognise that certain behaviors will achieve certain results and I try to behave in a way that will get me the things I want. The things I want most in life are love and acceptance, so the obvious course of action for me is usually behaving like a good person (although, as we all know, this does not always result in a positive way.) It sounds to me like your idea of being a good person is being the guy who helps out. The problem with this mindset is that you will only ever be seen as "the guy who helps out", so people will see you as an endless source of help for them. You probably already are a good person. Just rethink the message you are sending people.

 

[BlackPuma]

However little it repays to be a nice guys amongst those who don't appreciate it, it will repay even less to be a jerk amongst those who don't even appreciate nice people. Corruption, no matter how appealing, is rarely the path to a 'better' life.

More often then not, being a jerk will bite you in the bottom somewhere in the future. May it be someone you crossed, may it be due to an unpaid bill, may it be the potential regret you feel for have been a jerk all that time, whatever. It's better to keep your slate as clean as possible. Because you're young now and can afford to have people dislike you to an extent. But when you're older, and in dire need of actual physical help, they'll all turn their backs on your because you were a jerk.

Be as 'good' as you can, while still taking care of yourself physically and mentally.

 

[Section_31]

Being the good guy, for me, is how actions will make you feel about yourself. I personally couldnt give a *censored* what people think about me, as long as I can respect myself at the end of the day.

Personal honor is important to me. And ive done anything that makes me pause and wonder if that was a bad thing i have to take immediate steps to correct it.

You dont always get your treat fast, being the "good guy/girl". but you get what you need. And for me, if i can look back at what ive done, and respect myself, then thats enough for me. But everybody is different.

 

[Feathers]

There's a difference between being a "good" person and being a doormat.

The distinction isn't always clear though, and therein lies the problem. lol.

Yeah, so true!

Puma, you wrote it well too!! I like your last sentence especially!

Sometimes it's not easy to recognize when to do things 'for others' (and what, and how much..) and when to try to take care of yourself (and how..)
Many people in non-profits or helping professions, or just working with people, report of 'burnout'... (especially for volunteers or self-employed or feeling underpaid/unappreciated etc or such) Trying to do too much and then crashing..

Also, there can be conflicting views of the same behavior: some people may see it as one thing, it can actually be another.. so, in life, often things are complex and not so simple..
sometimes you need to decide between two good things, or two bad things, etc.
Our time and energy may be limited: what to do with them, and in what order, how to prioritize?
Sometimes what you do may be seen as 'selfish'/'bad'/wrong by one group of people, and 'unselfish'/heroic/right by another group of people.. Some things can have unforseen consequences..

Ideally, there would be some sort of balance.. between friends or family, ideally there's some give and take.. or sharing of responsibilities etc.
And I wish people were taught things like basics of time management, project management and organizing and overwhelm management in schools already...