Diary publication thread of mine

[Nanita]

So, I was afraid he was gonna cancel but today he said that he's definitely getting the tickets for tonight.
I feel anxious. I'm afraid that he will cancel after all, this is typical me though, I always expect people to reject me and dissapoint me. But I'm also nervous that I will be awkward around him or around people at the live shows. I'm sure it will all go well, this is probaby just me freaking out and creating absurd, unreal imaginary worst case scenarios, as usual.

So we did go out and we had a good night. First we went to this small place where I actually once played live with a metal band, back in the day.
There was an american indie type band, they were pretty cool. But we left in the middle of it, to go to another show with this swedish singer-songwriter called The Tallest Man On Earth- The music was sort of boring to me, but I enjoyed the performance, it was very intense and the room was packed.

I really hope I can be friends with this old friend/boyfriend now.
I guess we won't be seeing each other much, cause he has a job, which I don't, and a child, which I don't. I'm not a real adult and real adults seem to never have time to hang out.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I guess we all have our own paths. That is what I think when you say things that compare yourself to someone else negatively "I am not a real adult"
Also, being grown up and an adult is really, really over- rated. I know what you mean about having things that others have but just because they have things doesn't mean they don't have stress and worry and regret. Or feel lonely or bad about themselves etc...
"I will be happy when I have _____" is a sure fire road to never being happy, right?

I think we all could benefit from living in the moment.

I know I could.

But what if the moments are awful? Lol h:

 

[Nanita]

I guess we all have our own paths. That is what I think when you say things that compare yourself to someone else negatively "I am not a real adult"
Also, being grown up and an adult is really, really over- rated. I know what you mean about having things that others have but just because they have things doesn't mean they don't have stress and worry and regret. Or feel lonely or bad about themselves etc...
"I will be happy when I have _____" is a sure fire road to never being happy, right?

I think we all could benefit from living in the moment.

I know I could.

But what if the moments are awful? Lol h:

Yes... awful awful moments.... that I'm living in....

I agree that growing up is overrated.. Who cares anyway, about age or about where you're supposed to be at any point in your life. I don't care, I just want the rest of my life to go by as quick at possible, so I can finally die.

 

[Graeme1988]

I guess we all have our own paths. That is what I think when you say things that compare yourself to someone else negatively "I am not a real adult"
Also, being grown up and an adult is really, really over- rated. I know what you mean about having things that others have but just because they have things doesn't mean they don't have stress and worry and regret. Or feel lonely or bad about themselves etc...
"I will be happy when I have _____" is a sure fire road to never being happy, right?

I think we all could benefit from living in the moment.

I know I could.

But what if the moments are awful? Lol h:

No that ah've got much to add here. But I can definitely relate to whit yer sayin' there, Molly.

 

[Nanita]

"I will be happy when I have _____" is a sure fire road to never being happy, right?

QUOTE]

True. "I'll be happy when", is something I have thought many times, and then maybe the thing didn't make me THAT happy, or even if it did make me happy, it would only last for a while and I would return to the usual doom and despair. I wish I could be happy without needing anything to happen.

 

[Nanita]

"I will be happy when I have _____" is a sure fire road to never being happy, right?

I think we all could benefit from living in the moment.

I know I could.

"I will be happy when"... is something I have thought many times. And when the thing happens, I may be happy for a little while, but still consumed with my usual worries, sadness, loneliness and so on.
I wish I could be happy and not need anything specific to happen.

 

[Nanita]

I'm in an okay mood. 4 days ago I saw my therapist and it made me feel better. I was extremely depressed and tired of it all, but talking to her helped me.

Then the guy that I'm sort of seeing, asked me (begged me?) to go visit him this next weekend. And that really made me feel a whole lot better about him. We are not in a steady relationship, we don't call each other boyfriend & girlfriend. But he's great company and we have amazing ummm, sex, basically.
I know I couldn't function in a real relationship with him cause he's way too social and I can't fit into his lifestyle, it would drive me even more insane than I am, I would constantly compare myself to him.
He even offered to pay for my train ticket, as he has a higher income than I do.... and it's not a cheep train ticket. So that was nice.

 

[Nanita]

Oh please. As if the good mood was gonna last for more than a couple of days. I'm back to zero. I've had pain in my back and neck for 3 days now. I probably started because I was playing guitar and recording for hours, sitting in the same position.
So because of the pain in my back I haven't been waking up feeling well rested. And today was just one more shitty awakening with back pain and headache, and I just can't stand it anymore. And of course my face looks ugly and tired when I'm in this much pain.
Today I woke up after only 5 hours of sleep. But I had to get up because I was so hungry and I dont even think I could have gone back to sleep. I'm tired but sleep does nothing for me.
I don't see any point in doing anything. I want to die, I hate living, I hate it.

 

[Graeme1988]

Oh please. As if the good mood was gonna last for more than a couple of days. I'm back to zero. I've had pain in my back and neck for 3 days now. I probably started because I was playing guitar and recording for hours, sitting in the same position.

So yer back tae feelin' low again, Nanita. Sorry, ah huv'nae got back to you about those black metal bands you recommended me. But ah will at some point, just been difficult with havin' to be on the laptop with other things going on around ye,. Am stuck in ma living room at the moment - post surgery. So the lack of privacy has been annoying for me.

Anyway, have you got one of these, by any chance?

Playing guitar and recording while sitting in a ordinary chair, guitar at an uncomfy angle and hunched over all the time isn't exactly ideal. I know from experience myself. So ah know how ye feel with tha back oain, las.

Also, maybe when comes to the recording side of things, try and break it up. Say, recording for half an hour, huv a wee break, move about a bit. Then record another part, if yer recording a new song. Ah know, it might seem a bit silly to make the exercise workout comparision. But that the ony comparison ah cun make, really.

If yer just recording ideas, like guitar riffs and chords. Better to be sitting comfy while yer doing it, eh?

So because of the pain in my back I haven't been waking up feeling well rested. And today was just one more shitty awakening with back pain and headache, and I just can't stand it anymore. And of course my face looks ugly and tired when I'm in this much pain.
Today I woke up after only 5 hours of sleep. But I had to get up because I was so hungry and I dont even think I could have gone back to sleep. I'm tired but sleep does nothing for me.

Aye, it's annoying when yer not sleep comfortably. Ah should know, huvin' 2 plaster casts on and only being able to sleep on ma back. Equally, annoying when ye only get a few hours sleep, then can't get back to sleep. Ah've been awake until like 4 in the morning afore ah can doze off to sleep, lately.

I don't see any point in doing anything. I want to die, I hate living, I hate it.

Ah know how ye feel, darlin'. Ah struggle with tha same feelings myself. Somedays ah can't be bother gettin g outta bed. But what about yer music, eh? That must count for something?

 

[Nanita]

So yer back tae feelin' low again, Nanita. Sorry, ah huv'nae got back to you about those black metal bands you recommended me. But ah will at some point, just been difficult with havin' to be on the laptop with other things going on around ye,. Am stuck in ma living room at the moment - post surgery. So the lack of privacy has been annoying for me.

Anyway, have you got one of these, by any chance?


Playing guitar and recording while sitting in a ordinary chair, guitar at an uncomfy angle and hunched over all the time isn't exactly ideal. I know from experience myself. So ah know how ye feel with tha back oain, las.

Also, maybe when comes to the recording side of things, try and break it up. Say, recording for half an hour, huv a wee break, move about a bit. Then record another part, if yer recording a new song. Ah know, it might seem a bit silly to make the exercise workout comparision. But that the ony comparison ah cun make, really.

If yer just recording ideas, like guitar riffs and chords. Better to be sitting comfy while yer doing it, eh?



Aye, it's annoying when yer not sleep comfortably. Ah should know, huvin' 2 plaster casts on and only being able to sleep on ma back. Equally, annoying when ye only get a few hours sleep, then can't get back to sleep. Ah've been awake until like 4 in the morning afore ah can doze off to sleep, lately.



Ah know how ye feel, darlin'. Ah struggle with tha same feelings myself. Somedays ah can't be bother gettin g outta bed. But what about yer music, eh? That must count for something?

Thanks for writing
I'm really not good at taking breaks once I get into playing or recording. I know I should do things differently to not exhaust myself. I'm not good at taking care of myself. I sink into intense creative work sometimes, and it goes on for hours.
That chair looks good. I don't think I can afford anything like that though!

Even when I haven't done anything to harm my back, I still get pain, I think my body is really fragile, I know I have an uneven back, causing my right side to sort of be longer than the left.
I should do more yoga.
It seems that I don't have the self discipline to do good things for myself. I guess also the general depressed state of mind, makes me really passive.

My music doesn't really make me feel good, I don't know... it seems pointless to do anything. Well okay, there are days when I feel good about it, and feel that it has meaning. But mostly not.
Most of the time I'm really depressed, sad, nervous.

Lately the tinnitus, this diturbing noise in my ears, has been bothering me a lot too, cause it gets worse when I can't rest properly.

 

[Graeme1988]

Thanks for writing
I'm really not good at taking breaks once I get into playing or recording. I know I should do things differently to not exhaust myself. I'm not good at taking care of myself. I sink into intense creative work sometimes, and it goes on for hours.

No problem. Ah can relate, Nanita. Ah sped hours playin' ma guitar as well. :thumbup:

God help me when ah start gettin' into the recordin' side of things.

Plus, struggling with depression as well similar thoughts and feelings you've mentioned in this thread. Being creative and getting stuck into a project, you tend to forget about yer troubles. Or channeling it into stuff like music, as you and many other songwriters do with their lyrics.

My suggestion of breaking down yer guitar playing and recording was just a reminder that you don't have record everythin' at once. More the recording

That chair looks good. I don't think I can afford anything like that though!

Ah know... Ah'd get a chair like that too - if ah could aford it, as well.

Just sayin'... Sittin' in a chair that's more comfy, if not on as fancy the chair ah referenced. Mibbe a folding chair - preferably one withoot arm rests? Enough room for ye to be comfy while playing, but also, possibly, keep yer back straight.

Even when I haven't done anything to harm my back, I still get pain, I think my body is really fragile, I know I have an uneven back, causing my right side to sort of be longer than the left.
I should do more yoga.
It seems that I don't have the self discipline to do good things for myself. I guess also the general depressed state of mind, makes me really passive.

Ah don't huv the self discipline to do good things for myself. But it's never to late to change. Doing more yoga will probably help yer back pain and body in general. Just don't go mental and over do it.

And meditation might also help with yer depressed state of mind, no? Again, I'm only suggesting things that could be of help to you.
1

My music doesn't really make me feel good, I don't know... it seems pointless to do anything. Well okay, there are days when I feel good about it, and feel that it has meaning. But mostly not.

Quite heartbreaking to read that, Nanita. But ah get what ye mean. Ah tend to be quite passive, and dour at times when depressed. Though, if yer music isn't makin' ye feel good. Maybe tryin' a change of direction - something more upbeat or an instrumental ? Just suggestions, mind you.

Though, I completely get the whole music as therapy thing.

Most of the time I'm really depressed, sad, nervous.

Yep, me too - that's me most days, actually. Ah really wish ah wus the opposite side of depressed, sad and nervous, masel'.

Lately the tinnitus, this diturbing noise in my ears, has been bothering me a lot too, cause it gets worse when I can't rest properly.

Oh, I get that as well at random. Sometimes during the day. But worse when it hits at night, cuz - as you said - ye can't get a proper rest.

That whit we get for playin' our music too loud an not wearin' ear-plugs to the gigs we attend. :bigsmile:

Sorry, not to make light of tinnitus. But that's just my way of coping with it, as annoying as it is.

 

[Nanita]

No problem. Ah can relate, Nanita. .

I'll get back to you later on what you wrote here!

 

[Nanita]

I'm doing this nervous worrying all over again, afraid that a specific person will let me down, dissapoint me, reject me, not talk to me. I get nervous about what people will do or say. This all has ro do with me being rejected by my father often when I was a kid and teenager. And about being mistreated by different people, when I was a kid.
These days, the negative beliefs that I carry deep inside, constantly cause me to feel all the worries, the nervousness, over and over, whenever I have plans with people, or when I talk to people and expect their reply. Or when I'm out in public, I'm afraid that some stranger will yell at me or hit me or whatever.
I'm tired of feeling nervous about what people will do to me.

 

[Nanita]

No problem. Ah can relate, Nanita. Ah sped hours playin' ma guitar as well. :thumbup:

God help me when ah start gettin' into the recordin' side of things.

Plus, struggling with depression as well similar thoughts and feelings you've mentioned in this thread. Being creative and getting stuck into a project, you tend to forget about yer troubles. Or channeling it into stuff like music, as you and many other songwriters do with their lyrics.

My suggestion of breaking down yer guitar playing and recording was just a reminder that you don't have record everythin' at once. More the recording


Ah know... Ah'd get a chair like that too - if ah could aford it, as well.

Just sayin'... Sittin' in a chair that's more comfy, if not on as fancy the chair ah referenced. Mibbe a folding chair - preferably one withoot arm rests? Enough room for ye to be comfy while playing, but also, possibly, keep yer back straight.

Ah don't huv the self discipline to do good things for myself. But it's never to late to change. Doing more yoga will probably help yer back pain and body in general. Just don't go mental and over do it.

And meditation might also help with yer depressed state of mind, no? Again, I'm only suggesting things that could be of help to you.

Quite heartbreaking to read that, Nanita. But ah get what ye mean. Ah tend to be quite passive, and dour at times when depressed. Though, if yer music isn't makin' ye feel good. Maybe tryin' a change of direction - something more upbeat or an instrumental ? Just suggestions, mind you.

Though, I completely get the whole music as therapy thing.

Yep, me too - that's me most days, actually. Ah really wish ah wus the opposite side of depressed, sad and nervous, masel'.

Oh, I get that as well at random. Sometimes during the day. But worse when it hits at night, cuz - as you said - ye can't get a proper rest.

That whit we get for playin' our music too loud an not wearin' ear-plugs to the gigs we attend. :bigsmile:

Sorry, not to make light of tinnitus. But that's just my way of coping with it, as annoying as it is.

Thank you for writing

I will try to not exhaust myself when I record.

I want to play black metal.. I wish I was in a band and I could go mad playin evil noise. But no. I'm not part of anything and I probably won't be.

I think my tinnitus issue began as noise damage, but within the last year it became worse and worse, not because of listening to loud music but because of lack of sleep. Whenever I'm too exhausted or haven't been able to sleep properly, the tinnitus gets worse.
In the past, if I hadn slept much, the tinnitus would get worse but then get better/almost dissapear after a few days. But in last year it didn't go away during those times when I didn't sleep enough..... Pretty scary! It freaks me out...

I've been taking a lot of painkillers in the last week, cause the tensions and pain in my back have been constant. But today I haven't taken anything. I did some stretching. I should do that daily.

 

[Nanita]

No problem. Ah can relate, Nanita. Ah sped hours playin' ma guitar as well. :thumbup:

God help me when ah start gettin' into the recordin' side of things.

Plus, struggling with depression as well similar thoughts and feelings you've mentioned in this thread. Being creative and getting stuck into a project, you tend to forget about yer troubles. Or channeling it into stuff like music, as you and many other songwriters do with their lyrics.

My suggestion of breaking down yer guitar playing and recording was just a reminder that you don't have record everythin' at once. More the recording

Ah know... Ah'd get a chair like that too - if ah could aford it, as well.

Just sayin'... Sittin' in a chair that's more comfy, if not on as fancy the chair ah referenced. Mibbe a folding chair - preferably one withoot arm rests? Enough room for ye to be comfy while playing, but also, possibly, keep yer back straight.

Ah don't huv the self discipline to do good things for myself. But it's never to late to change. Doing more yoga will probably help yer back pain and body in general. Just don't go mental and over do it.

And meditation might also help with yer depressed state of mind, no? Again, I'm only suggesting things that could be of help to you.

Quite heartbreaking to read that, Nanita. But ah get what ye mean. Ah tend to be quite passive, and dour at times when depressed. Though, if yer music isn't makin' ye feel good. Maybe tryin' a change of direction - something more upbeat or an instrumental ? Just suggestions, mind you.

Though, I completely get the whole music as therapy thing.

Yep, me too - that's me most days, actually. Ah really wish ah wus the opposite side of depressed, sad and nervous, masel'.

Oh, I get that as well at random. Sometimes during the day. But worse when it hits at night, cuz - as you said - ye can't get a proper rest.

That whit we get for playin' our music too loud an not wearin' ear-plugs to the gigs we attend. :bigsmile:

Sorry, not to make light of tinnitus. But that's just my way of coping with it, as annoying as it is.

Thank you for writing

I will try to not exhaust myself when I record.

I want to play black metal.. I wish I was in a band and I could go mad playin evil noise. But no. I'm not part of anything and I probably won't be.

I think my tinnitus issue began as noise damage, but within the last year it became worse and worse, not because of listening to loud music but because of lack of sleep. Whenever I'm too exhausted or haven't been able to sleep properly, the tinnitus gets worse.
In the past, if I hadn slept much, the tinnitus would get worse but then get better/almost dissapear after a few days. But in last year it didn't go away during those times when I didn't sleep enough..... Pretty scary! It freaks me out...

I've been taking a lot of painkillers in the last week, cause the tensions and pain in my back have been constant. But today I haven't taken anything. I did some stretching. I should do that daily.

I meditate sometimes.. For a while I meditated 15 minutes everyday. Now I only do it like 2 days a week... I foget to do it or I lack self discipline. It's still a mystery to me why us humans fail to do things for ourselves that are good. Maybe it's the general depressive state. And lack of self care/love.

 

[Graeme1988]

Thank you for writing

I will try to not exhaust myself when I record.

Aye, just take yer time with the recording process. Ah know it takes alot to get a whole song done. It's never easy, but if ah'd to ye advice..

• Don't rush things
• Don't aim for perfection
• Yer doing it for yersel', first and foremost. So, ye should enjoy it (if not the recording side of it; then playing the guitar)

I want to play black metal.. I wish I was in a band and I could go mad playin evil noise. But no. I'm not part of anything and I probably won't be.

Ah know, it's finding those people who share then same interest of that genre and have similar music influences to yerself. Ah take the band things is more for the playing music together rather than recording? Or is it all the above?

Though, playing in a band can help yer timing. And jam sessions are always fun. Plus, most of the time, ye end come up with some riffs for songs if yer jamming with other musicians.

That's not to sayin' doing it on yer own isn't funny, just harder if you don't have someone else's input on whether a riff or chord sequence has potential to be a song.

Havin' said all that, ah wus just curious. Cuz ah wus just thinkin', if you've already got the an electric and bass guitar and experiement with different string tunings, all you'd really need is too add drums. And there's must be somewhere online where ye can download ready recording drum beats for the black metal genre.

Only suggesting that, since yer not that tech savvy when come to computers. Hi! Am no either, so don't take offence at me sayin' that.

I think my tinnitus issue began as noise damage, but within the last year it became worse and worse, not because of listening to loud music but because of lack of sleep. Whenever I'm too exhausted or haven't been able to sleep properly, the tinnitus gets worse.
In the past, if I hadn slept much, the tinnitus would get worse but then get better/almost dissapear after a few days. But in last year it didn't go away during those times when I didn't sleep enough..... Pretty scary! It freaks me out...

Aww, sorry... Ah feel like a right bellend. h: For assuming your = tinnitus issue began in the same way as mine. What with use both havin' a likin;' for rock an metal music.

I've been taking a lot of painkillers in the last week, cause the tensions and pain in my back have been constant. But today I haven't taken anything. I did some stretching. I should do that daily.

Oooh... Ah can kinda relate to the painkoller issue, I've been taking a lot in the last month due to my surgery. Anyway, try and cut back on them, if possible. Or only take 'em when need be.

Good on ye doing some stretching. :thumbup:

I meditate sometimes.. For a while I meditated 15 minutes everyday. Now I only do it like 2 days a week... I foget to do it or I lack self discipline. It's still a mystery to me why us humans fail to do things for ourselves that are good. Maybe it's the general depressive state. And lack of self care/love.

At least, 2 days a week is summit, eh? Don't feel bad for not meditating eveiryday. Same with the stretchin', if ye don't feel up to it don't force yersel'. Just do those things when ye feel up to it.

That's the thing with us human, we're no perfect. We forget to do things sometimes, but we shouldnae punish ourselves for it.

Ah guess when yer in a depressed state ye don't really huv the self-discipline to do things ye should. Or care for ourselves in the way we should...

And when depressed try and remind yerself of yer good qualities. /huv ye tried sayin' or writin' self-affirmations aboot yerself ? Just askin' as this wus suggested to me, recently, by someone in ma own thread.

Anyway, take care of yerself... Literally, lassie. Ye don't want that back gettin' any worse. :sad:

I'm huvin a hard enough time with what I assume is groin strain cuz ah just been sittin' about pretty much immobile for over 2 months now. Not sayin' that to make ye feel sorry for me but to sympathize with you.

And remember...

 

[Nanita]

Ah know, it's finding those people who share then same interest of that genre and have similar music influences to yerself. Ah take the band things is more for the playing music together rather than recording? Or is it all the above?

Though, playing in a band can help yer timing. And jam sessions are always fun. Plus, most of the time, ye end come up with some riffs for songs if yer jamming with other musicians.

That's not to sayin' doing it on yer own isn't funny, just harder if you don't have someone else's input on whether a riff or chord sequence has potential to be a song.

Havin' said all that, ah wus just curious. Cuz ah wus just thinkin', if you've already got the an electric and bass guitar and experiement with different string tunings, all you'd really need is too add drums. And there's must be somewhere online where ye can download ready recording drum beats for the black metal genre.

Only suggesting that, since yer not that tech savvy when come to computers. Hi! Am no either, so don't take offence at me sayin' that.



Aww, sorry... Ah feel like a right bellend. h: For assuming your = tinnitus issue began in the same way as mine. What with use both havin' a likin;' for rock an metal music.

And when depressed try and remind yerself of yer good qualities. /huv ye tried sayin' or writin' self-affirmations aboot yerself ? Just askin' as this wus suggested to me, recently, by someone in ma own thread.

Anyway, take care of yerself... Literally, lassie. Ye don't want that back gettin' any worse. :sad:

You rock too!

I want to play with people mostly for the pleaure of playing. And collaborating, sharing ideas.

I don't have a bass. Maybe it sounds like it on some of my recordings but I don't have one.

I still haven't figured out how to add drums. And to make them fit in with my own recording, like so it doesn't sound lame, I wouldn't know how to.

No I think my tinnitus started the same way your did. It just got worse because of exhaustion and lack of sleep. I think.

Self affirmation and things like that, yeah it's good to do but I think when I get way depressed, it does nothing for me.

I'm sorry, I'm pretty negative.. I'm in a bad mood.

 

[Nanita]

My current life is like a prison of loneliness, inactivity, nothingness, boredom, sadness, fatigue, poor physical health.

I can't entertain myself or activate myself very much. And that's all I've got, myself and what I'm able to come up with for myself.
I'm waiting for death.
I might as well already be 85 years old.
I have nothing to live for, I have nothing that I want to achieve, because even those things that excite me in theory, they will never ever come true. Never. No, don't try to tell me I can make things happen cause I can't.

I wish the days were only like 3 hours. I wish all people's lives would end around 30.
Why must life be so long, it's horrible, all this waste of time and suffering.

God I hate it.

 

[Graeme1988]

My current life is like a prison of loneliness, inactivity, nothingness, boredom, sadness, fatigue, poor physical health.

I can't entertain myself or activate myself very much. And that's all I've got, myself and what I'm able to come up with for myself.
I'm waiting for death.
I might as well already be 85 years old.
I have nothing to live for, I have nothing that I want to achieve, because even those things that excite me in theory, they will never ever come true. Never. No, don't try to tell me I can make things happen cause I can't.

I wish the days were only like 3 hours. I wish all people's life would end around 30.
Why must life be so long, it's horrible, all this waste of time and suffering.

God I hate it.

Sorry if this doesnae help ye feel any better, but this resonated with me quite deeply. Especially lately...

 

[defiance]

My current life is like a prison of loneliness, inactivity, nothingness, boredom, sadness, fatigue, poor physical health.

I can't entertain myself or activate myself very much. And that's all I've got, myself and what I'm able to come up with for myself.
I'm waiting for death.
I might as well already be 85 years old.
I have nothing to live for, I have nothing that I want to achieve, because even those things that excite me in theory, they will never ever come true. Never. No, don't try to tell me I can make things happen cause I can't.

I wish the days were only like 3 hours. I wish all people's lives would end around 30.
Why must life be so long, it's horrible, all this waste of time and suffering.

God I hate it.

I hear ya. It sucks man it just really sucks. This may sound stupid but I had a dream where there was a button and the instructions said if you press it you will be erased from existence like you were never here, and I didn't hesitate to press it over and over:sad:. I know the feeling of waking up every morning wishing that I didn't. I know the feeling of letting people down because your issues hold you back from doing practically anything. Unfortunately all I do is exist and not live as I take them to be two different things. I'm sorry you are going through this. The worst part is I can't offer any words to make you feel better because I don't know myself.:kickingmyself: