Diary publication thread of mine

[Nanita]

Sorry if this doesnae help ye feel any better, but this resonated with me quite deeply. Especially lately...

Thanks for relating. I feel "good" about being understod and that people can relate to how I feel, but of course I also feel bad that you have to feel as bad as I do.

 

[Nanita]

I hear ya. It sucks man it just really sucks. This may sound stupid but I had a dream where there was a button and the instructions said if you press it you will be erased from existence like you were never here, and I didn't hesitate to press it over and over:sad:. I know the feeling of waking up every morning wishing that I didn't. I know the feeling of letting people down because your issues hold you back from doing practically anything. Unfortunately all I do is exist and not live as I take them to be two different things. I'm sorry you are going through this. The worst part is I can't offer any words to make you feel better because I don't know myself.:kickingmyself:

Thanks for writing.
In a way I'd like this particular incarnation to be erased, cause it's too much suffering. But at the same time I feel sad to think that I matter so little that my whole existance might as well be erased. :thinking:

But I would like to erase the rest of this life. I really don't want to go on.

I don't really have any feeling of letting people down, because nobody expects me to do anything or be anything. It doesn't matter to anyone what I do or what I am. I might as well stay in bed everyday, or be unconscious, or dead.

 

[defiance]

Thanks for writing.
In a way I'd like this particular incarnation to be erased, cause it's too much suffering. But at the same time I feel sad to think that I matter so little that my whole existance might as well be erased. :thinking:

But I would like to erase the rest of this life. I really don't want to go on.

I don't really have any feeling of letting people down, because nobody expects me to do anything or be anything. I doesn't matter to anyone what I do or what I am. I might as well stay in bed everyday, or be unconscious, or dead.

There is no way for me to say this without sounding like an ungrateful person. I wish people didn't expect anything of me or cared about me because that would make my decision much easier to end it:crying:. I hate this so much.... JUST SO MUCH.mg:

 

[Nanita]

I was out friday night AND saturday night. It was a lot of fun. Now I have a sore throat and probably also a few regrets.
I met a guy friday, we sat and drank, then walked around town and talked. As the hours passed, I liked him more and more. Then we went out to a concert saturday night. What an awesome show that was. The music hypnotized me.
Later he expressed his feelings and I felt overwhelmed. Now I just feel nothing, like he broke the spell and the magic is gone.
Am I like this because maybe I', only attracted when I feel slightly rejected or like I'm not good enough for someone I like...? That's really self destructive. Why do I get turned off when someone is available and plain nice? I wish I wasn't like this. This guy is sort of perfect and I feel nothing.

 

[S_Spartan]

Re: Diary-like-publication - journal

^we value most that which is difficult to obtain. When something is freely available it loses value. Could apply to anything from love to water.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Re: Diary-like-publication - journal

^we value most that which is difficult to obtain. When something is freely available it loses value. Could apply to anything from love to water.

Exactly.

That's what I ment about the waiting rule when it comes to showing excitement for someone while dating. Isn't like 3 days to wait before you text or call them for another "date" in the beginning or else you seem to eager and that is across the board a no-no to seem eager..other wise you look desperate..plus it's a game to get people to think you are not interested even if you are.

 

[Nanita]

Re: Diary-like-publication - journal

^we value most that which is difficult to obtain. When something is freely available it loses value. Could apply to anything from love to water.

Yes I know what you mean... Thanks for reminding me, I feel less like something is wrong with me now...

 

[Nanita]

Re: Diary-like-publication - journal

Exactly.

That's what I ment about the waiting rule when it comes to showing excitement for someone while dating. Isn't like 3 days to wait before you text or call them for another "date" in the beginning or else you seem to eager and that is across the board a no-no to seem eager..other wise you look desperate..plus it's a game to get people to think you are not interested even if you are.

Yeah. there is probably something to be said about playing the good old flirt games....
But I have experinced that if I was really into someone and vise verca, we skipped all games and fell in love right away...
But that's rare!
If it doesn't feel intensely right, you can't push it!

 

[Nanita]

Last night, tired and down, I went to my soundcloud and to my surprise, I had 3 new followers, and a musician guy that I know, had liked one of my songs. And a black metal musician had liked that same song too, and even wrote me a message telling me that the song is really good work. I've been listening to his badass black metal and admiring it, and then HE likes my song, how amazing is that.

 

[Graeme1988]

Last night, tired and down, I went to my soundcloud and to my surprise, I had 3 new followers, and a musician guy that I know, had liked one of my songs. And a black metal musician had liked that same song too, and even wrote me a message telling me that the song is really good work. I've been listening to his badass black metal and admiring it, and then HE likes my song, how amazing is that.

:applause: That's great to hear, Nanita. :thumbup:

Always good to get some positive feedback from fellow musicians.

 

[defiance]

Last night, tired and down, I went to my soundcloud and to my surprise, I had 3 new followers, and a musician guy that I know, had liked one of my songs. And a black metal musician had liked that same song too, and even wrote me a message telling me that the song is really good work. I've been listening to his badass black metal and admiring it, and then HE likes my song, how amazing is that.

Congrats

 

[MollyBeGood]

Last night, tired and down, I went to my soundcloud and to my surprise, I had 3 new followers, and a musician guy that I know, had liked one of my songs. And a black metal musician had liked that same song too, and even wrote me a message telling me that the song is really good work. I've been listening to his badass black metal and admiring it, and then HE likes my song, how amazing is that.

You are talented-you should be getting good feedback from other gifted people. You deserve that!

I am horrible at taking compliments and always distrust the giver. I think it's probably that whole perfectionist crap, nothing is ever good enough I have done. I believe I will always be second rate. Happened to me the other day, this lady looked me right in the eye and said all this super nice stuff about my work and it didn't register at all. She is a successful, millionaire, PhDs and everything. All I could think is "what is really behind this?" mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

I am horrible at taking compliments and always distrust the giver. I think it's probably that whole perfectionist crap, nothing is ever good enough I have done. I believe I will always be second rate. Happened to me the other day, this lady looked me right in the eye and said all this super nice stuff about my work and it didn't register at all. She is a successful, millionaire, PhDs and everything. All I could think is "what is really behind this?" mg:

Ah huv the same reaction to being given compliments as well. Even though ah shouldnae really. :sad: Though, I don't know if that's due to perfectionism, being negatively criticised by family, or both? :idontknow:

 

[MollyBeGood]

Ah huv the same reaction to being given compliments as well. Even though ah shouldnae really. :sad: Though, I don't know if that's due to perfectionism, being negatively criticised by family, or both? :idontknow:

Yeah...you too huh?... I will believe negative things any day and never forget those things but positive feed back and compliments never register. I think it's because I think people are full of BS and always have ulterior motives, plus low self-esteem doesn't help things...It seems the people who really are successful can take a compliment but don't let it go to their heads. I need to be more like that i suppose. Just always fighting those negative thoughts so much. It's definitely a balance. I was thinking about this the other day. For every negative thing that happens to me I have to have 5 good things to cancel it out. That never happens though. Maybe I need to be looking for the good things harder than I do?:question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Yeah...you too huh?... I will believe negative things any day and never forget those things but positive feed back and compliments never register.

Aye, I'm exactly the same...

I think it's because I think people are full of BS and always have ulterior motives, plus low self-esteem doesn't help things...It seems the people who really are successful can take a compliment but don't let it go to their heads. I need to be more like that i suppose. Just always fighting those negative thoughts so much. It's definitely a balance. I was thinking about this the other day. For every negative thing that happens to me I have to have 5 good things to cancel it out. That never happens though. Maybe I need to be looking for the good things harder than I do?:question:

I can totally relate, there, low self-esteem an all. I think, with me, it's due to no huvin much trust in people close to me. So the ulterior motives is understandable when folk lie to ya aw the time.

Anyway, might be best to try and focus on the good rather than being dismissive of it. Not sayin' let it go to yer heid, but try not to doubt yerself too much. And ah also feel that most of the time, any compliment ah get is undeserved, in that ah don't feel ah've earned it.

Though, I'm gettin' better at takin' positive compliments and feedback, even if ah still laugh it off... Or feel embarrassed at the being centre of attention. :shyness:

 

[MollyBeGood]

I hate being the center too! I might be Scottish LoL

In this situation I will believe the compliment when it is followed by a big fat check! LoL

still waiting on that one....

 

[Nanita]

You are talented-you should be getting good feedback from other gifted people. You deserve that!

I am horrible at taking compliments and always distrust the giver. I think it's probably that whole perfectionist crap, nothing is ever good enough I have done. I believe I will always be second rate. Happened to me the other day, this lady looked me right in the eye and said all this super nice stuff about my work and it didn't register at all. She is a successful, millionaire, PhDs and everything. All I could think is "what is really behind this?" mg:

Thank you!
I do love compliments, I suck them up, and need more.... More....
I'm sort of always on a roller coaster between "yeahh I'm really good at this and that and I'm special and awesome" - and then - "I'm not good at anything, I should sleep all day everyday, I don't matter".

I know a have some narcissism going on (I really do) The core of narcissism is low self worth & no self-love, and because of that an unhealthy way of trying to see urself as "perfect" and "better than others".. a rollercoaster between perfection and self-loathing.

When I get a compliment, I feel "yesss I'm the best, I'm great" but seconds later I feel like maybe the compliment wasn't honest, or one compliment isn't enough, I should have 200 compliments and be famous, or else I don't matter and what I do isn't good at all.
Yup. I'm messed up.
At least I'm aware of it and I know it's based on my lack of selv-love, and how my parents didn't take care of me when they should've been.
And they didn't give me compliments ever.

 

[Nanita]

:applause: That's great to hear, Nanita. :thumbup:

Always good to get some positive feedback from fellow musicians.

Thank you Graeme

I wanted to quote your posts also.. in my reply to Molly, but the option to multiquote isn't there anymore, and I get too stressed out when I have to cope and paste to quote more posts in my reply..... :thinking:

 

[Nanita]

Congrats

Thank you Defiance!

 

[MollyBeGood]

Talented, thoughtful, funny, beautiful, loving, smart, giving=Nanna!!!