Diary publication thread of mine

[Nanita]

That's quite a thought-provoking question!. Suffering i think is not conscious, so hasn't got a conscious goal or purpose, good or bad. But one can use it to learn from, and use that knowledge to whatever ends one wants. Suffering i firmly believe, is symptomatic of "disease", primarily of the mental kind. It's not "natural" to be suffering all the time, which is partly why it feels so bad to feel very bad?. I think its a good exercise to mull over the nature & purpose of suffering, from time to time... :thinking:

You are right! and I want to learn from my suffering. Well I have learned, actually. Many things... And I think my suffering is present in the things I've created, art and music and writing.

 

[Nanita]

I've had a skin infection for over a year (in toe), and it doesnt appear to be getting better in a hurry, & right now is getting a bit worse. I've taken a couple course of antibiotics, but it didnt rid the infection. I'm sure it affects my energy (i often have minimal energy/drive/etc, & is big effort to stay "up").

So i'm about to buy a device called a "frequency zapper". I'm hopeful that it might be sth that could kill the bacteria of the infection (& also many other "microbes" that could be contributing to ill-health). I'll give it a go anyway. Known about it for years, even made one; this time i'll do it properly (buy device, use it regulalry & ongoingly).

My latest theory/tactic on health is: (in no order)
- ADD (better diet)
- SUBTRACT (remove microbes & toxins from body/environment; eg zapper & detoxing)

I'm sorry you're experiencing this! I know how hard it is to not feel physically well.
I'm very focused on diet too. I spend money on foods that are good for me... And I'm on welfare/dissability.... So there isn't that much money for health food.
I believe in alkalizing the body.. Eastern medicine is all about that. Which means, eat more alkaline forming foods, as opposed to acidic.

 

[Nanita]

When anything is over, I feel empty and desperate. Yeah I must be addicted to highs and dopamine. I can't stand going from feeling good to feeling horrible. And I always feel horrible when I return to the reality of myself and my own emptiness. I can't make anything work. No okay, some things do work, but I loose the sense of purpose or content, like nothing makes me feel better for more than a couple of hours. I don't understand the living. I can't be happy. Why even do things... Why feel hope?! Why feel good.... it always ends. I have this basic layer of depression and loneliness.. constantly aching.

 

[MollyBeGood]

Me too.

It's almost like why bother with a few hrs of happiness when they are so fleeting and few and and between.

It really is torture. Like when they let a prisoner out for a day, only to be taken back and locked up again. Is that prisoner any better off for seeing and feeling alive again? It only makes their incarceration that much more unbearable. I pretty much feel like i have a life sentence here.

 

[Nanita]

Me too.

It's almost like why bother with a few hrs of happiness when they are so fleeting and few and and between.

It really is torture. Like when they let a prisoner out for a day, only to be taken back and locked up again. Is that prisoner any better off for seeing and feeling alive again? It only makes their incarceration that much more unbearable. I pretty much feel like i have a life sentence here.

Well said. Totally like a prisoner.
It usually makes me worse, to get a sense of hope, or a taste of what it is to feel good, or a glimpse of how other people have so much more going for them. When I see people or hang out with someone for a while, I notice how they have plans and friends and purpose, and I'm reminded of my own misery.

 

[Nanita]

Just tired of nothingness and no content in life. No matter what I do it makes no difference and doesn't take me anywhere better or anywhere new. It's all the same *****ing day over and over. I can do things, I can meet people, I can fall in love, I can write a song. But I can't write a brilliant song and I can't be fulfilled by whatever relationship or shallow friendship I get involved in, and the things I do don't matter.

 

[Graeme1988]

Just tired of nothingness and no content in life. No matter what I do it makes no difference and doesn't take me anywhere better or anywhere new. It's all the same *****ing day over and over. I can do things, I can meet people, I can fall in love, I can write a song. But I can't write a brilliant song and I can't be fulfilled by whatever relationship or friendship I get involved in, and the things I do don't matter.

I feel the same way... Except for the songwriting bit. I've never tried writing a song, wouldnae know where to start.

 

[Nanita]

I feel the same way... Except for the songwriting bit. I've never tried writing a song, wouldnae know where to start.

I used to think the same before writing my first song... "I can never do that". But then I could.
I think you can, too.

 

[Graeme1988]

I used to think the same before writing my first song... "I can never do that". But then I could.
I think you can, too.

Aye, ah probably could. Though, I haven't picked up and play ma guitar in awhile I've never been that great as a guitarist, not that that'll stop me. :bigsmile: Though, not being knowledgeable with music theory, putting everything together will be daunting for me.

I mean, I've got a wee melodic riff I came up with just play arpeggios of chord inversions. And an octave power chord riff in the key of E, I came up with a random during my high school days in music class. As well as a tapping riff using Drop D tuning. But I don't know what to with any of them. They're all like intro riffs.

 

[Nanita]

I'm on the train, it's a 5 hour trip to see my friend. I've been feeling so nervous about going. I even cried earlier, completely sobbing in front of people on the trin. It was pretty embarassing, but I was so nervous and sad.
Last night this guy told me I looked old and tired, and it really hurt. Like why would you say that to me, why do you want to insult me?? But then Again, he said my niece looked like a Little baby that wasn't old enough to be at a bar (she's 20). So, he insults me for looking too old, and insults my niece for looking too Young. Umm okay. Did I forget tomention that we won in table football, us against him... and then I turned Down his attempts of flirting with me... Yeah okay I guess that's the reason he wanted to insult me.

On the train today I started imagining worst case scenarios for this trip, like "what if my friend forgot that I'm coming, will I have to go al the way back home then??" and "what if we don't get along??" Of course she didn't forget cause she just texted me saying she's looking forward to seeing me.
I was also nervous about something else, but that just resolved itself and I feel so relieved. It's absolutely amazing how I can get all nervous about something, spend energy and time on worrying about it, and then it turns out fine. Why can't I learn from these experiences and stop worrying so much?

 

[Nanita]

Talking to my therapist yesterday brought me a step closer to understanding my inability to form stable friendships and relationships.


I hope with time, I can break the spell, the curse, and become better at being close with people.

 

[Nanita]

Some months ago I got in touch with an ex boyfriend that I haven't seen in years. We recently spoke on the phone for 2 hours and it was just like talking to him 8 years ago. After we broke up, we were friends for a few years, but drifted apart. He got married, had a daughter, got divorced. And he actually lives in my area now, which is pretty funny.
He offered to buy tickets for me and him to go to this music thing tomorrow, it's many different concerts in different venues, you just buy one ticket that allows you to go to as many concerts as you want. I'm looking forward to seeing him cause it's been so long. I hope it'll be fun.

 

[Nanita]

So, I was afraid he was gonna cancel but today he said that he's definitely getting the tickets for tonight.
I feel anxious. I'm afraid that he will cancel after all, this is typical me though, I always expect people to reject me and dissapoint me. But I'm also nervous that I will be awkward around him or around people at the live shows. I'm sure it will all go well, this is probaby just me freaking out and creating absurd, unreal imaginary worst case scenarios, as usual.

 

[Nanita]

"Hope" is dangerous for me. Everytime I hope/think that I will get better, that I wlll have more friends, that I can progress with creative artistic things, etc., I always feel lousy when realizing that I won't get better, and it feels way more lousy than if I didn't have any hope at all. I should just stick to being dark and depressed all the time, so that I won't get dissapointed.

 

[Graeme1988]

"Hope" is dangerous for me. Everytime I hope/think that I will get better, that I wlll have more friends, that I can progress with creative artistic things, etc., I always feel lousy when realizing that I won't get better, and it feels way more lousy than if I didn't have any hope at all. I should just stick to being dark and depressed all the time, so that I won't get dissapointed.

Awww, darlin'. Ye shouldnae be like that. :sad: Though, sometime ah feel the same way. Keep yer expectations low then ye won't be so disappointed. Sticking with being dark an depressed isnae a great combo.

Ah know I'm the same with being positivity. Or maybe it's the fact ah interact with dour, miserable, uptight people? But Scottish can be quite pessimistic aboot things.

But the creativity thing, ah think it's more the pressure you put upon yerself to come with an idea. You can progress with yer art, though.

It's just gettin' past that "Is it good or is it shite" phase. And starting with nothing is the most difficult bit. Though, sometimes yer bashin' away oan tha gee-tar and ye come up with ideas that don't sound that great to you. But to someone else's ears might sound not too bad.

Difficult to trust yer own creative judgement at times, isn't it?

 

[MollyBeGood]

"Hope" is dangerous for me. Everytime I hope/think that I will get better, that I wlll have more friends, that I can progress with creative artistic things, etc., I always feel lousy when realizing that I won't get better, and it feels way more lousy than if I didn't have any hope at all. I should just stick to being dark and depressed all the time, so that I won't get dissapointed.

I could have written this.

I hate this..

 

[S_Spartan]

"Hope" is dangerous for me. Everytime I hope/think that I will get better, that I wlll have more friends, that I can progress with creative artistic things, etc., I always feel lousy when realizing that I won't get better, and it feels way more lousy than if I didn't have any hope at all. I should just stick to being dark and depressed all the time, so that I won't get dissapointed.

This is why I stay dark and depressed all the time. I realized that my expectations have to be near zero to keep from offing myself.
The thing is people don't like it. They like to be around fake happy people even if they are not happy themselves.
They don't get my dark sense of humor either. But at least I have a sense of humor.
But I can't take this mostly negative world telling me "stay positive"!
Talk about "do as I say and not as I do"![emoji57]

 

[Graeme1988]

This is why I stay dark and depressed all the time. I realized that my expectations have to be near zero to keep from offing myself.
The thing is people don't like it. They like to be around fake happy people even if they are not happy themselves.
They don't get my dark sense of humor either. But at least I have a sense of humor.
But I can't take this mostly negative world telling me "stay positive"!
Talk about "do as I say and not as I do"![emoji57]

Ah guess that's why ah've got more cynical and dour with age. But then ah've been that way since ah wus aboot 16 or 17.

 

[Nanita]

I could have written this.

I hate this..

I think we are similar in many ways, girl :kickingmyself:

 

[Nanita]

This is why I stay dark and depressed all the time. I realized that my expectations have to be near zero to keep from offing myself.
The thing is people don't like it. They like to be around fake happy people even if they are not happy themselves.
They don't get my dark sense of humor either. But at least I have a sense of humor.
But I can't take this mostly negative world telling me "stay positive"!
Talk about "do as I say and not as I do"![emoji57]

Yeah. I can relate to that.

I'm not negative all the time... but darkness and no hope feels way more real to me.. When I do feel happy, it feels good, but completely unreal, like I'm not myself. And like I KNOW that darkness will come back again and take over everything in me, it's like the good stuff didn't even happen.