Diary publication thread of mine
- Thread starter Nanita
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Nanita
Well-known member
I had bought a ticket to see a band I like. I didn't go, because I had too much social anxiety/nervousness about going.
I had also bought a ticket to see some improv theater, and I didn't go to that either, because of the same reasons.
If I had the chance to go to these things with a friend, I wouldn't be afraid of going.
But I gave up the whole asking people to go with me to things, because people usually say no, or they don't even give me a proper yes or no. And also I don't really know people who are able to go to things. Because I'm not REALLy friends with anyone at all, so I don't have anyone to ask really.
My life is empty, miserable, painful, ridiculous. It should really just end right now. There's no good reason for me to keep taking up space.
I had also bought a ticket to see some improv theater, and I didn't go to that either, because of the same reasons.
If I had the chance to go to these things with a friend, I wouldn't be afraid of going.
But I gave up the whole asking people to go with me to things, because people usually say no, or they don't even give me a proper yes or no. And also I don't really know people who are able to go to things. Because I'm not REALLy friends with anyone at all, so I don't have anyone to ask really.
My life is empty, miserable, painful, ridiculous. It should really just end right now. There's no good reason for me to keep taking up space.
Nanita
Well-known member
Yes... Sometimes I just go alone, but sometimes I don't have the energy to face the nervousness.
Nanita
Well-known member
Today's question: Do I look tired because I'm tired, or do I look tired because I've become ugly?
This morning I went to meet this social worker that has been hired to spend time with me an hour a week. She's supposed to help me be more social, and help me with things I can't get done. For instance right now I can't do laundry, because I don't have any 10-coins for the laundry machine in the basement. Of course a normal person would just go to a store and ask to get change back in 10-coins, but I can't do that because I'm too afraid to ask anybody anything.
At the meeting with the social worker, I felt so nervous. I was also really tired because I couldn't get proper sleep last night.
I don't know if the arrangement is going to work out, I mean seeing the social worker. I'll probably just feel awkward whenever I see her, and she won't like me at all because I'm weird and I act like a mean snob when I feel nervous around people.
My body is aching because of lack of sleep and because I've been more physically active the last couple of days. I wonder if everybody feel as much pain in the body as I do, when they are just slightly more active than usual. I usually give up exercising because my body just feels too weak and in pain, it's like I never get any stronger I only get more exhausted.
Right now there's no point in trying to take a nap, because I'm never able to fall asleep durng the day, even when I feel extremely tired and in need of sleep. I guess it's my general nervousness that's keeping me from relaxing.
I hate living. I hate my life. I hate my ugly tired face. I hate my weak body.
This morning I went to meet this social worker that has been hired to spend time with me an hour a week. She's supposed to help me be more social, and help me with things I can't get done. For instance right now I can't do laundry, because I don't have any 10-coins for the laundry machine in the basement. Of course a normal person would just go to a store and ask to get change back in 10-coins, but I can't do that because I'm too afraid to ask anybody anything.
At the meeting with the social worker, I felt so nervous. I was also really tired because I couldn't get proper sleep last night.
I don't know if the arrangement is going to work out, I mean seeing the social worker. I'll probably just feel awkward whenever I see her, and she won't like me at all because I'm weird and I act like a mean snob when I feel nervous around people.
My body is aching because of lack of sleep and because I've been more physically active the last couple of days. I wonder if everybody feel as much pain in the body as I do, when they are just slightly more active than usual. I usually give up exercising because my body just feels too weak and in pain, it's like I never get any stronger I only get more exhausted.
Right now there's no point in trying to take a nap, because I'm never able to fall asleep durng the day, even when I feel extremely tired and in need of sleep. I guess it's my general nervousness that's keeping me from relaxing.
I hate living. I hate my life. I hate my ugly tired face. I hate my weak body.
I hate doing things solo too, I think I look very obvious. So I probably go out once every few months with someone, they usually don't live close as most of my friends are not local. I have local friends but they just get on my nerves when out as they have to drink themselves to oblivion or get coked up and manic. I'd love to have local decent friends.
Nanita
Well-known member
I've had to do many things solo, since I don't have the luxury of having friends. Where I live now, I don't have any friends.
The few friends I have, live in other places, far away. I don't even know if they're still my friends.
In my area I do have my older sister and my niece, but they usually say no when I ask them to do anything.
I don't really mind being at a concert alone, but it's the whole arriving at the place, waiting for the music to begin, buying a drink, feeling people staring at me... it's all that stuff that can be hard to handle when I'm by myself.
Nanita
Well-known member
Rant.
I've been wondering bout something. Do I "isloate myself", is it really that simple, or do I just take the consequences of not being able to function with people. I feel like it's impossible for me to function around most people, and impossible to get friends. It's not like I don't try. But it never works out. I get so awkward around people, or I feel bored with most people. I'm longing for good friendships. I've had chances and possibilities, I've met people, but very quickly I start to feel like it's not progressing to an actual friendship.
Part of the issue is that I usually only feel relaxed when I'm with one person at a time, I get weird in groups. And having a friend just always means that I also have to meet their other friends or whoever they want to hang out with. And that doesn't go well.
I've been wondering bout something. Do I "isloate myself", is it really that simple, or do I just take the consequences of not being able to function with people. I feel like it's impossible for me to function around most people, and impossible to get friends. It's not like I don't try. But it never works out. I get so awkward around people, or I feel bored with most people. I'm longing for good friendships. I've had chances and possibilities, I've met people, but very quickly I start to feel like it's not progressing to an actual friendship.
Part of the issue is that I usually only feel relaxed when I'm with one person at a time, I get weird in groups. And having a friend just always means that I also have to meet their other friends or whoever they want to hang out with. And that doesn't go well.
planemo
Well-known member
I think I avoid people and isolate myself because my feelings of shame and inferiority surface most around others. The more people, the worse I feel. I don't think I dislike people as such but more specifically how I feel around them. I've had opportunities to bridge the divide as well, but even being around people I like becomes unbearable at times. I think this is more of a factor as to why I go back to being on my own instead of finding people boring or unreciprocating.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Pretty much sums up how ah feel around people as well.
Nanita
Well-known member
I also dislike how I usually feel around people, rather than dislike people.
It's the horrible nervousness.
And even being around people I like, causes a lot of weird stuff inside me... I hate how I compare myself to people, the contrast between my dysfunctional life and their well-functioning life, is awful and obvious.
Odo
Banned
I have a musical recommendation for you.
There is this band... I think they're new, because I have never heard them before. Their lead singer is a woman by the name of Britney Love and she was once married to this famous singer named Kris Corben.
They're called 'The Hole', and they have this song called 'Asking You For It' that I think you will find quite enjoyable... though I must warn you that it may be a little aggressive for your tastes.
There is this band... I think they're new, because I have never heard them before. Their lead singer is a woman by the name of Britney Love and she was once married to this famous singer named Kris Corben.
They're called 'The Hole', and they have this song called 'Asking You For It' that I think you will find quite enjoyable... though I must warn you that it may be a little aggressive for your tastes.
MollyBeGood
Well-known member
I am like this too...but also I don't like people very much. Being around them drains me a lot. We are so complex of creatures are we not?!
Nanita
Well-known member
Yes Molly, yes....
I like some people a lot! But being around them can be difficult, so so difficult! Because of how screwed up I am!!
And people that I don't like.... well they can go suck a fu*k! (expression borrowed from Donnie Darko...)
Nanita
Well-known member
After my therapist mentioned that I am dysphoric rather than depressed, I've been thinking about it and I agree. Dysphoria. Yes that's it.
And of course personality disorder of mixed character; Evasive, paranoid, schizoid, social phobic.
I like how my therapist has been able to get to know me and the way she can describe my issues with words that help me to understand my misery in a clearer way.
Now. How to get better?
I see no way.
But understanding myself more and more is sort of satisfying.
I'm mostly just anticipating the event where death parts me from this particular physical incarnation.
And of course personality disorder of mixed character; Evasive, paranoid, schizoid, social phobic.
I like how my therapist has been able to get to know me and the way she can describe my issues with words that help me to understand my misery in a clearer way.
Now. How to get better?
I see no way.
But understanding myself more and more is sort of satisfying.
I'm mostly just anticipating the event where death parts me from this particular physical incarnation.
Nanita
Well-known member
Once again thinking about ending it, not that the thought was ever gone, the thought is always there, like an option I always have in the back of my mind. I guess right now I'm just thinking more practically about it, what to do before, throw out certain papers and belongings so that other people won't have to do it or so that they won't see all of my old notebooks and failed attempts of art and other things.
I could never take pills, because it feels way too unsure if it will only do damage but not finish me off.
I'm 35 and I have no life worth living. I am so alone and unable to have friendships. Unable to have any job or study anything and learn. I have pshysical health problems that make my life exhausting and empty. I had this infection some years ago that I can't seem to recover after, or perhaps it was all the antibiotics that destroyed my immune defense system. I am tired and exhausted everyday all day. My face looks tired and ugly.
I used to have at least the superficial, shallow satisfaction of being told I looked good. Because of being neglected as a child, I have such low self worth and self confidence that the only thing I could ever hang on to was being told I looked good. And now I don't have that anymore.
I have no friends. I have nothing going on and I can't create a life with things going on, I'm just too much of a destroyed person because of my dysfunctional family and upbringing, that I can't function in anything.
Everything fails and everything ends before it becomes anything. All attempts of relationships, friendships, bonds and family relations fail.
Attachment disorder. Personality disorder. Poor health. Ugliness. Passivity. Nights of broken sleep. Mornings of feeling unrested. Days of emptiness, boredom and loneliness. A feeling of constant infection, like when you're about to get the flu, that kind of exhaustion. No help from doctors, they can't identify any particular health problem, nor can they do anything at all to help me in any way.
If I had more money, I would really seek out different alternative treatments, buy better food and natural stuff. But I can't afford that.
It's actually amazing that everything fails for a person, every fu*king thing fails for me, isn't that amazing.
It used to bring me som sort of pleasure or positive input, to come to this forum and write to people, and I would feel really good when someone replied to me or commented on something I wrote. But now I don't feel any relief or anything really, by going here.
I feel nothing about writing this, I might as well not write this, it doesn't matter, cause it doesn't change anything.
I could never take pills, because it feels way too unsure if it will only do damage but not finish me off.
I'm 35 and I have no life worth living. I am so alone and unable to have friendships. Unable to have any job or study anything and learn. I have pshysical health problems that make my life exhausting and empty. I had this infection some years ago that I can't seem to recover after, or perhaps it was all the antibiotics that destroyed my immune defense system. I am tired and exhausted everyday all day. My face looks tired and ugly.
I used to have at least the superficial, shallow satisfaction of being told I looked good. Because of being neglected as a child, I have such low self worth and self confidence that the only thing I could ever hang on to was being told I looked good. And now I don't have that anymore.
I have no friends. I have nothing going on and I can't create a life with things going on, I'm just too much of a destroyed person because of my dysfunctional family and upbringing, that I can't function in anything.
Everything fails and everything ends before it becomes anything. All attempts of relationships, friendships, bonds and family relations fail.
Attachment disorder. Personality disorder. Poor health. Ugliness. Passivity. Nights of broken sleep. Mornings of feeling unrested. Days of emptiness, boredom and loneliness. A feeling of constant infection, like when you're about to get the flu, that kind of exhaustion. No help from doctors, they can't identify any particular health problem, nor can they do anything at all to help me in any way.
If I had more money, I would really seek out different alternative treatments, buy better food and natural stuff. But I can't afford that.
It's actually amazing that everything fails for a person, every fu*king thing fails for me, isn't that amazing.
It used to bring me som sort of pleasure or positive input, to come to this forum and write to people, and I would feel really good when someone replied to me or commented on something I wrote. But now I don't feel any relief or anything really, by going here.
I feel nothing about writing this, I might as well not write this, it doesn't matter, cause it doesn't change anything.
theslowesthand
Banned
I find this forum helps to get things off my chest, makes problems more understandable as they are put into words, makes me feel better as i know others are in the same or similar boat overall. Helps me to get through the days and nights.
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Nanita
Well-known member
Thank you. Come to think of it, I actually think it does help me a little, in that same way, to get things off my chest and to see my thoughts in writing. And to know that some people can understand or relate to it.
I went and did something about it, I joined a local facebook foody group, made some great friends there, quite a few have social anxiety including the bloke that runs it, so they were understanding. Most of them bake and cook, are a bit older 40s-50s and are quite lovely. I was absolutely terrified on the first meet, but when I chat about food, you cannot shut me up (them too!) Luckily the meet is only a couple of hours a month so that people don't drain me.
Is there something like that in your area? a group with common interests?
I'm now considering open mic nights and dusting off my old guitar. Hope the enthusiasm lasts as it's always a roller-coaster between that and total apathy with me.