demons.

[Madix]

hey...its me...

im not okay.
It is official. I have, completely lost myself all together.

idk where it came from. just hit.

i kno this post is gonna turn out really messed up.
cuz i havent taken my pills today.

off the meds.

i think i have a legit reason.

VOICES. I go through this everyday. always in constant war with demons. they have most of my life, occupied my head. this is not a joke. it is hard to concentrate on aspects of reality when you can't see them for what they are. its all in my head. and the voices will not go away. they tell me what to do. they make choices for me.

if my head wasn't fked up enough already.
i have permanent brain damage.
since the age of 9.
hit with baseball bat.
which makes me a very strange person.
which is why ive had no friends

I told my psychiatrist for the first time today about the voices. he says I should take this medication and force myself to ignore them. but no fk that. I've been fightin this internal battle for so long...and I'm tired of being tired.


my body is literally worn out. I can't do this anymore. I'm having trouble sleeping at night. and I'm having very realistic nightmares and I remember most of them too. cuz the voices, they remind me what I was dreaming about the night before.

everyday the same thing but different dream, and its always a nightmare. i know what demons look like. ive been fking running from them in my sleep. for every dream, its a different demon. every one of them has a distinct voice...and they fking talk to me. they never leave me alone.


What I am about to present to you, through musical interpretation, will be exactly what the voices in my head tell me.

since i am going thru a mental breakdown so are lyrics.
and im not taking my meds for now.

which is why the post is turning out the way it is.

i am not thinking.

i am just...being.

and am tryin to type this witout getting distracted.


i know exactly what i have to do.
I am actually kind of nervous because I am not supposed to listen to them...I'm supposed to be on my medication right now...but I am not.

should I just give life up all together???

no no no

hell no.

I am locking myself in a room for 3 days....and just take a notebook...and let the voices do their thing...
my head is just in a very dark place right now...

so yes....madix is really losing his mind.
this isn't me.

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT?

cuz i feel really stupid right now.
admin can delete this i dont care.


jsut sayin
i need to do this.
its going to hurt.
more than it has.
i hope it makes em go away.
hands are shaking this has to stop.
i wanna do this but i dont think i should.
i could end up really hurting myself......
and i dont mean too..


i dont mean to scare anybody ill be okay i know how to handle this.

just say things that i dont intend. voices.

ANYWAYS. expect some dark dark dark stuff.

it'll be on youtube...

they say keep typing

pen is on the paper now.
and i am listening.
just see what happens.

ill be on here if anybody wants to talk to me.
i really DO need company.
and serious help

but ill keep strong.
PROMISE i wont do anything stupid to myself.
but it was my dumb mistake for not posting this BEFORE i stopped taking meds. dammit.

i am recording ONE song.

just ONE.

and ill take the med when i finish the lyrics and recorded em.

and ill just mix the song when i can think straight again.
i probably couldnt handle any more than that.

will have it posted tomorrow.

i dont even know if the song is gonna make any sence!!!

well see tho shall we?

thats funny
this was a useless post wasn't it???

dont feel obligated to respond to this.
i dont crave attention.
lost all bets god.


demons

 

[Madix]

see this is the exact reason i signed up on here.

 

[ilmatross]

I'm on my phone so it'll take me a while to read and digest all you wrote.

Why did you go off your medication? Doesn't it help you?

 

[Madix]

I'm on my phone so it'll take me a while to read and digest all you wrote.

Why did you go off your medication? Doesn't it help you?

yes it does help me.
but it acts as a crutch.

 

[joyce]

so maybe get a new medicine and then u might feel better

 

[mmmm]

There's no shame in relying on a crutch. If you saw a guy with a broken leg on crutches, would you be all like "look at loserboy on his crutches"? I doubt it. You deserve to have the most peaceful life possible and if meds are the best way for you to deal with stuff, I say go for it.

 

[Feathers]

oh gosh

did you see an older thread about voices and such? Are you in touch with any organisations that help people with voices? some of those people take meds and some don't, or only sometimes.. but it would be good to be in touch with some people who know more about this than we here..

 

[panicsurvivor]

Wow. I usually have something to say. I don't. :: I really don't like to give advice when I don't know a lot about what I am talking about. I have never been through what you are going through. I guess all I can really do is kind of echo what feathers said. You have to see somebody. Right now. It's good that you know not to do anything harmful to yourself. Maybe if you posted what your voices are telling you to do I might have a better idea what to say. Remember to admit you are not up to this by yourself is not shameful. Sometimes we need rely on someone else to help us get through something. Please see someone as soon as you can. If your shrink isn't listening get another one. I am here for you if you need to talk. Good luck.

 

[Falkor]

hey i can understand have been hearing voices when i was 13, I was having a hard time back then. Maybe you should take Risperdal? It did help me for the voices. Now I even know it's just irrational, i was afraid it was real.
But i know this is just horrible to experience, cuz ive been suffering through the same things, i never told anyone on this forum though.. hey good luck madix :/ take care of yourself

 

[coyote]

Madix, I really urge you to reconsider

you know you are not well, so it doesn't stand to reason that you should trust your own judgement does it?

you know the voices aren't real, but the doctor IS real

now is the time to trust in reality

please ask someone there for help - even if you have to call 911

 

[TRRobin]

Hello Madix, could I ask which drug you were using?

I was prescribed Risperidone experimentally for OCD only to actually start getting *that stuff*. Especially when the drug effects used to wear off. I would get this rebound awareness that was never there before.

Cut a story short, I progressed to Olanzapine, and stayed on that for about a month.
I was also on an SSRI at the same time.

I was in a pickle, and like you I simply will not accept being on something like that (I'm not crazy!).
so I got off the neuroleptic, and was totally normal again, and have been ever since.
The increased serotonin in me, may have helped that process.

I will never touch one of those ever again. Not if you paid me. So I totally sympathise with you my friend.
You should only ever take neuroleptics if you *absolutely have to*.

My advice would be to look into big dose Niacin. I use this (200mg) myself if I feel a little sketch.
Does the job better than any nasty chem. Plus, we all get a little sketch from time to time.
Especially if you stay in a lot.

If you want to know anything more, give me a pm and I'll tell you anything.

 

[Lea]

When I am hungry, I get hallucinations in my sleep and demons. I had demons bitting me tonight and I couldn´t get rid of them.

 

[Remus]

If I was still hearing demons after meds Madix, I'd get a second opinion. Though this hardly falls into the scope of a social phobia forum, maybe there's a better place to seek advice for this condition?

 

[Madix]

If I was still hearing demons after meds Madix, I'd get a second opinion. Though this hardly falls into the scope of a social phobia forum, maybe there's a better place to seek advice for this condition?

i feel bad. i should have never posted this. your right this is a completely different forum. wont happen again. im still not on my medication. but they stopped. they are gone at least for now. i listened to what they said. and wrote it down. and read it back to myself dozens of times. tho i would NEVER advise anybody to do what i did. stay on your medication. cuz i just went through the most terrifying experience of my life. but im conviced that whatever happened last night worked. i have a new lyrics for a song now. but im afraid to record them. for as they might come back??? idk i think im gonna take my medication again. ive been taking abilify. but again, i feel like this is something that just had to happen. and i am glad i did. but if you have the same issue...i would reconsider...its not fun.

thank you everyone for being so caring towards me


and as far as my SA....still pretty bad.
but you can't kill everything at once right lol

 

[Madix]

YouTube - Madix- Voices (the demons)

 

[Phoenixx]

Awesome song Mind posting lyrics for this one too?

 

[Madix]

Awesome song Mind posting lyrics for this one too?

yeah man no problem



listen to your heart, and listen to your soul, pretend your some one else, when your losing control, you know who I am, and I know who you are, you live inside my head, just ripping me apart. take another pill, take another one, you need em, so I can rest in peace, your still keepin me breathin,
I hide behind the walls, and come out when your dreamin, erase your memories, your life story I'm keepin, stop that ****, this is my ****in brain, go and get your own, your driving me insane, ya scare away my friends,
and cause me so much pain, but this is where it ends, send ya back to where ya came, but I love it here, and you know me to well, I'm your only true friend, ya got no one but yourself, but thats not true, I dont need your ****ing help, you always bring me down, I'm living in hell


story of your life, just grab another knife, push it in the skin, this time get it right, wait hold on a minute, I'm not killing myself, why the **** not, man I've been doing to well, I have nothing going but at least I try, haha ya right, here why you should die, you have no love, you have no friends, you have no health, nobody to depend, but what about my mother? she don't wanna see me like this, my father is getting worried, they don't need to hear this ****, your so hopeless, your broke as a joke, nobody care about you, they'd rather see ya croke, shut the **** up, no just keep on speakin, just this might just be the only way to get rid of this demon, I'll tell you what you want but you better ****in mean it, you are my true friend, remind me how I'm feelin.

just another demon
voices in my head
just another demon.

 

[Feathers]

Interesting song and cool instrumentation...

You are very creative...

What does the chorus say?

Some people online say that voices are just another part of themselves to accept.. So maybe by writing it down you've helped accept yourself? and got distance at the same time.. do tell if it stops after this - would be interesting to know..
otherwise, a second opinion and researching any meds would be good, yup.. and to join the support groups or forums for this..

It reminds me of Eminem a bit.. (One wonders what he's thinking too, sometimes...) It could also be seen as a metaphor.. many people may have thoughts like this, just by 'anonymous' or their own voice..

Looking forward to more songs from you...

 

[Phoenixx]

yeah man no problem



listen to your heart, and listen to your soul, pretend your some one else, when your losing control, you know who I am, and I know who you are, you live inside my head, just ripping me apart. take another pill, take another one, you need em, so I can rest in peace, your still keepin me breathin,
I hide behind the walls, and come out when your dreamin, erase your memories, your life story I'm keepin, stop that ****, this is my ****in brain, go and get your own, your driving me insane, ya scare away my friends,
and cause me so much pain, but this is where it ends, send ya back to where ya came, but I love it here, and you know me to well, I'm your only true friend, ya got no one but yourself, but thats not true, I dont need your ****ing help, you always bring me down, I'm living in hell


story of your life, just grab another knife, push it in the skin, this time get it right, wait hold on a minute, I'm not killing myself, why the **** not, man I've been doing to well, I have nothing going but at least I try, haha ya right, here why you should die, you have no love, you have no friends, you have no health, nobody to depend, but what about my mother? she don't wanna see me like this, my father is getting worried, they don't need to hear this ****, your so hopeless, your broke as a joke, nobody care about you, they'd rather see ya croke, shut the **** up, no just keep on speakin, just this might just be the only way to get rid of this demon, I'll tell you what you want but you better ****in mean it, you are my true friend, remind me how I'm feelin.

just another demon
voices in my head
just another demon.

^ Thanks Great lyrics! You are very talented.

 

[Madix]

Interesting song and cool instrumentation...

You are very creative...

What does the chorus say?

Some people online say that voices are just another part of themselves to accept.. So maybe by writing it down you've helped accept yourself? and got distance at the same time.. do tell if it stops after this - would be interesting to know..
otherwise, a second opinion and researching any meds would be good, yup.. and to join the support groups or forums for this..

It reminds me of Eminem a bit.. (One wonders what he's thinking too, sometimes...) It could also be seen as a metaphor.. many people may have thoughts like this, just by 'anonymous' or their own voice..

Looking forward to more songs from you...

I found the chorus from a website that had pre voice samples on it. i thought it sounded really relevant when I heard the part wear she said "come face to face with my insides" i

it hit me that i need to put that in the song...
rest of it i have no idea...but it sounds right on lol

BUT YEAH GUESS WHAT

I'll prove that theory right now by telling you that it did work.

kind of lol

so check this out...have you ever heard of the term "don't let your demons control you, control your demons"??

because thats what I've been working on. i still hear them. but its more distinct. I understand it better than I did before. I haven't gotten to a point of controlling anything. I'm under a spell right now. I'm the one being controlled. but I have a choice. I'm just taking suggestions. if ya get what I mean?

nobody ever knew I had this problem (except my parents) since recently I admitted it after doing this song.

my friends knew a thing. not even my best friend that I had for like 12 years now. kept it a dark secret. but now its out. and I feel like these voices and recognizing that I'm embracing them.

and they don't like that.

OKAY!! so I'm sorry if I'm scaring the sht out of you lol. but yeah I'm doing a lot better after writing down eveything.

the SP is still a major factor tho. my adhd makes me so uneffected by whats going on around me. really sucks. i really need medication for that.