A question for the Guys

[guessed]

I have approached several guys on this site.. initiated conversations and they have either shown no interest at all or politely responded when I asked them questions or sent a pm or instant message but didn't reciprocate at all.

I don't think it is the fact that they are so shy they can't hold a conversation, because they all have girls on their friends list as well as messages from girls on their profile pages.

I didn't think I would have this problem here since we're all dealing with similar issues. Still if I even scare off guys on this site, there must be a lot more wrong with me than I am aware of.

I'd like to get some honest feedback as to what I do that scares guys off.

Please no sarcastic or joke replies, or polite, diplomatic answers that won't help me improve. I'm putting myself out on a limb here.. thankyou.

 

[zav943]

Do you remember if you and I chatted before?

 

[Sorta]

I don't think it sounds like you're doing anything wrong to scare them off. Maybe they really just don't know what to say.

 

[doubleM]

ill chat with you if you want

 

[DarkPhoenix]

I know where you're coming from, its frustrating when you make an effort to reach out to someone and they appear disinterested. Sometimes people just don't click with each other i suppose, my suggestion to you is to find a guy with common interests beyond their disorders.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

Honey, you're on a social phobia support website. This behavior should be expected. I've had people IM me and not write more than a few lines. Some have never gotten past the "hello". This is not a problem. Just give them some time to reciprocate. It takes some of us a while to warm up to people. All most people here need is some time, understanding and patience.

 

[zinc]

+1 for Serafina

If you'd expect this on any forum, it'd be one like this, right? I think one of the problems with social anxiety is people assume it's always about them when it definitely isn't

 

[Feathers]

+1 Serafina & DarkPhoenix too..

guessed, traditionally many males still like to initiate conversations, so maybe just let yourself be approached?

Maybe they don't even know you are female from the nickname (I've been mistaken for a man before too lol)

If you comment on something specific they wrote in a forum, especially if it's something you really liked or can relate to, this may help...

Some people also just don't do chats, or might be busy even if they're 'signed in' (it took me a while to learn how not to be 'signed in' lol) or may not know what to say.. You can just have conversations in the forums too, lol... And get to know people better, and then it may be easier to chat too?

 

[Inspiration]

The chat crash. close my browser by accident before i have log out. in a middle of something. Those are the reason that i may not able to reply back

 

[Dronee]

I have approached several guys on this site.. initiated conversations and they have either shown no interest at all or politely responded when I asked them questions or sent a pm or instant message but didn't reciprocate at all.

I don't think it is the fact that they are so shy they can't hold a conversation, because they all have girls on their friends list as well as messages from girls on their profile pages.

I didn't think I would have this problem here since we're all dealing with similar issues. Still if I even scare off guys on this site, there must be a lot more wrong with me than I am aware of.

I'd like to get some honest feedback as to what I do that scares guys off.

Please no sarcastic or joke replies, or polite, diplomatic answers that won't help me improve. I'm putting myself out on a limb here.. thankyou.

First off, they may not even know if you're a girl or a guy. E.g: A lot of users here simply assume that I'm a girl due to my nick. Another issue may be the mini-chat itself which behaves unpredictably and can fail to return messages.

 

[Inspiration]

First off, they may not even know if you're a girl or a guy. E.g: A lot of users here simply assume that I'm a girl due to my nick. Another issue may be the mini-chat itself which behaves unpredictably and can fail to return messages.

How come? Dronee sound like a guy to me thou. Robot Drone, Drone plane and etc.

 

[Kiwong]

Hi Guessed, perhaps your reaction to the perceived chat/messaging difficulties could be your anxiety speaking? Perhaps it is not true that it is you scaring people off. It might be the SA of others holding people back, it couold be a whole bunch of other reasons.

I know for certain that many of my fears about what people think of me turn out to be irrational. That is the nature of my anxiety.

 

[Tiercel]

I can sympathize with your pain, guessed. I've never been lucky in love. At all. And I've always beat myself up incessantly afterwards. Because if my efforts didn't succeed, I must have done something wrong. Or maybe there's something so terribly wrong with me that others just can't stand me. But eventually I realize that that's just my way of dealing with rejection. So I'm afraid I can't give you any constructive criticism.

But I can try to help you put things into perspective. And I'm going to do it with a bit of humor, so I hope it doesn't offend you too much. But the way I see it, you might as well get upset that no guys come running up to you at the Special Olympics. Not because the physically handicapped are inherently humorous, but because many of them can't even walk, let alone run. And if guys don't interact with you too well on a support site for those with social anxiety, well, that's to be expected. Not because there's something wrong with you, but because there's something wrong with us.

Not just the guys, either. All of us. Otherwise we wouldn't have signed up for it. Can it be frustrating when you make an attempt at a normal conversation and it falls completely flat? Hell yeah! But you have to remind yourself that the vast majority of users here are socially inept because of their disorder(s). We get nervous, anxious, jittery, our minds race, we worry about how we'll be perceived, and we communicate poorly as a result. On top of that, there's been plenty of talk about the quirks of the MiniMessenger. So it's not necessarily anyone's fault if the conversation is dead on arrival.

And people are different. Many of us are great when we have time to think about and plan out what we want to say to other. So we're great at replying to threads, but terrible in real time. Anyone who has ever IMed me has learned that one the hard way.

Oh, and just because someone is on my friends list doesn't mean that I've chatted with him or her. Most have added me after a perfunctory level of interaction (mainly replying to one another's posts). So if any guy catches your interest, try replying to some of his posts. Do that a few times, then send a friend request. Leave a few comments on his profile and see if he responds. If he seems friendly enough, you might even try the dreaded real time chat.

Above all, just be patient. We all get nervous about this sort of thing, so we need to take baby steps. And since so many of the guys here get more anxious around women, they'll probably run for their lives if you just IM them out of the blue (especially now that we know you're one of them!). But the more you try to initiate conversations with people the easier it should become. If they don't respond favorably to your overtures, just tell yourself that they're not worth getting upset over.

I'm sorry if I can't be more helpful than that. And I'm sorry if my humor offends. I tend to use it when all other attempts have failed.

::

 

[Luke1993]

Well it's possible that they could be interested, they just don't know what to say!

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I have approached several guys on this site.. initiated conversations and they have either shown no interest at all or politely responded when I asked them questions or sent a pm or instant message but didn't reciprocate at all.

I don't think it is the fact that they are so shy they can't hold a conversation, because they all have girls on their friends list as well as messages from girls on their profile pages.

I didn't think I would have this problem here since we're all dealing with similar issues. Still if I even scare off guys on this site, there must be a lot more wrong with me than I am aware of.

I'd like to get some honest feedback as to what I do that scares guys off.

Please no sarcastic or joke replies, or polite, diplomatic answers that won't help me improve. I'm putting myself out on a limb here.. thankyou.

I bolded the part that I'm not clear on--what do you mean by not reciprocating? They don't ask questions back? It may be they don't want to talk, or at least as likely they don't know what to say and have difficulty continuing a conversation. There was a thread about that recently and I think it's a common problem.

PM's are probably the better way to go than IM's. The latter are unreliable. They can show someone as there when they've already left. They sometimes don't get sent, or take a really long time. And personally, I find PM's easier to deal with because I have more time to think. I still try to respond to IM's though.

Honey, you're on a social phobia support website. This behavior should be expected. I've had people IM me and not write more than a few lines. Some have never gotten past the "hello". This is not a problem. Just give them some time to reciprocate. It takes some of us a while to warm up to people. All most people here need is some time, understanding and patience.

Yep, several times I've also had people not get past hello or maybe one more line. I say hello back, and that's it...silence.

When I message Serafina I do manage more than one line. I generally talk her ears off. :: That did not happen the first time I said anything to her, though.

 

[Ignace]

I recommend you talking to them through PM, the chat here is screwed up .. But that has been said before. PM also gives people the time to think and they don't panic that fast. If you don't know what to say in chat you can screw up big time, PM is the solution.

 

[Inspiration]

I think i' m friendly. Am' i? Maybe. Hmm, i don't know. I though i was. What if i'm not? Ok, if you want to chat just find me.

 

[fitftw]

guessed, traditionally many males still like to initiate conversations, so maybe just let yourself be approached?

I hate this fact about humanity. Why can't it be the other way around? I would love for a woman to initiate conversations with me but it never happens

 

[Felgen]

I have approached several guys on this site.. initiated conversations and they have either shown no interest at all or politely responded when I asked them questions or sent a pm or instant message but didn't reciprocate at all.

I don't think it is the fact that they are so shy they can't hold a conversation, because they all have girls on their friends list as well as messages from girls on their profile pages.

I didn't think I would have this problem here since we're all dealing with similar issues. Still if I even scare off guys on this site, there must be a lot more wrong with me than I am aware of.

I'd like to get some honest feedback as to what I do that scares guys off.

Please no sarcastic or joke replies, or polite, diplomatic answers that won't help me improve. I'm putting myself out on a limb here.. thankyou.

My guess is that they don't know gow to respond.

 

[coyote]

Hi guessed.

I, for one, did not know that you are female.

Even if I did, that doesn't mean that I would have automatically chatted you up.

I'm not really here to meet women.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to meet any women. I like women.

Sorry - I'm probably not helping.

Usually - for me, anyway - it's all about the timing.

If someone sends me an IM when I'm busy doing something else (like I'm at work and just got on here for a few minutes) then I'll be very brief, because I can't get tied up in a conversation. Other times - late at night or on my day off - I'd be happy to chat for hours.

It's hard to know when to start being flirty with someone online until the first person says something to let the other person know it's ok - always very risky to be that first person - especially if you're a little socially anxious.

So, *ahem*.....

Hey, there. How you doin'? :]