9yrs old and he wants to die.

[Agent_Violet]

..........

 

[mmmm]

Well, the tragedy here is that you have no control over the other brat and what happens during school hours. What a shame. If only... And I totally agree with you that this brat is just modelling what he sees at home.

Were you watching the movie with your son? If not, I suggest you watch it alone to get some perspective and then chat to your son about his situation in terms of the movie. You see, the dad and the children in the movie died in accidents, which is why they were sent to that beautiful place. The mom who committed suicide actually ended up in hell, at the same time causing her family's heaven to deteriorate. The only way for things to come right for them was to stick together in their love for one another. In the end, they do not go back to heaven but are forced to return to earth to try one last time to get things right. This could be used as a very powerful metaphor for your son.

Sorry, I really can't help with the bullying part of this, though. It's one of life's oldest mysteries.

 

[kihira]

My reaction was to show I care and to listen to my son as he expressed himself. Then i presented logical viewpoints for him to understand the gravity of what he's feeling.

I think you are doing the right thing, keep being caring and positive. If he seems to be manipulative is no reason for his father to deny what he needs; we all use manipulation in some form or other if we have a need that we do not know how to otherwise fulfil.

 

[Agent_Violet]

I think you are doing the right thing, keep being caring and positive. If he seems to be manipulative is no reason for his father to deny what he needs; we all use manipulation in some form or other if we have a need that we do not know how to otherwise fulfil.

thanks...

and see that's how i feel about manipulation. I don't care if he's manipulating me because of what you said...manipulation is an immature way of trying to get a need met. He obviously needs something fixed or fulfilled and he's grasping to try and get what he needs.

when i used to say i wanted to kill myself it was because i needed help. i felt nothing but darkness and despair. I felt alone and unloved.

Who am I to say my child isn't feeling these exact emotions? Who is his father to say he is feeling those things?

*sigh* be careful who you have babies with,people. you'll be stuck with their stupidity for a very long time.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

All you can do as a parent is love and encourage your child to do things that make them happy.

If a bad movie influenced him that way, perhaps a movie with a different outlook could help him see that he can be strong and not 'want to die'?
A few movies I can suggest that may suit his age range:
Stand By Me
The Sandlot
Son of Rambow
Karate Kid
Chicken Little - the first ones that come to mind. I didn't have friends as a kid but I still always felt uplifted by them.


I'm not a parent yet and I may never be one but I'm just suggesting what I think could help, as I was a bullied child as well.
I'd come home every day from school-- grade 1-6; collapse on the floor crying and saying; "I wish I was never born! I just want to die!"
Mom would meet me at the door on days she wasn't working, give me a hug and tell me that things get better.
That I am important to her and people care about me.

My brother started taking karate at age 10 because he was overweight and short and would get made fun of alot.
It helped him with his confidence and self esteem and once the other kids knew he was taking karate, they stopped picking on him so much.
He grew up and thinned out- beefed up, and now no one dares to pick on him and his self esteem is through the roof!

I've been in and out of therapy for as long as I can remember.
There are just some things you don't feel like telling your parents - but having a good therapist or councilor can help at any age.

And don't feel like a failure over this (as I know parents tend to do) It's hard being a kid.

 

[Agent_Violet]

thanks weirdy...i will look into those movies. i appreciate the suggestions

funny you mention karate, his father says he wants to enroll him in karate to toughen him up.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

funny you mention karate, his father says he wants to enroll him in karate to toughen him up.

I'd be careful if that's what his dad wants out of it...
Karate is meant to be used as a tool to give the child structure and to learn about self appreciation, inner strength and responsibility.

...I just have a feeling, if it's coming from someone who acts the way you vaguely describe him as -___- ... he'll be told by his father to fight back against anyone who raises a finger to him; which isn't the way it should be used.
Anyway... just my own feeling.
Karate is great for kids young and old if they're willing to devote the time and effort into training.

 

[Remus]

funny you mention karate, his father says he wants to enroll him in karate to toughen him up.

Boxing worked for me

 

[Agent_Violet]

I'd be careful if that's what his dad wants out of it...
Karate is meant to be used as a tool to give the child structure and to learn about self appreciation, inner strength and responsibility.

...I just have a feeling, if it's coming from someone who acts the way you vaguely describe him as -___- ... he'll be told by his father to fight back against anyone who raises a finger to him; which isn't the way it should be used.
Anyway... just my own feeling.
Karate is great for kids young and old if they're willing to devote the time and effort into training.

well that's the problem. it seems while I want the boy to be sensitive and caring, walk soft but carry a big stick...his father wants some sort of thug, bada$$ who just walks around intimidating people.

it's so hard raising a child with someone who thinks the Alphamale crap is cool.

I hope my son is smart enough to just let the karate people influence him rather than letting his father brainwash him into thinking knowing karate is the best way to scare people.

 

[¯\(º_o)/¯]

If any of my children ever get bullied, I will talk to the parents and the bully, and explain to them that that if it doesn't stop, ill beat the **** out of the bully, I don't care how young they are. I wont let my children go threw what I went threw in life. Wouldn't let them know that any jail time would be 100%easier worth the bully getting theirs
Sounds pretty bad, but im not gonna let some ****ty little kid ruin any of my kids life

This is one of my biggest fears, I don't currently have children, but I do want children, but I worry that they will go threw SA like I did

 

[Agent_Violet]

If any of my children ever get bullied, I will talk to the parents and the bully, and explain to them that that if it doesn't stop, ill beat the **** out of the bully, I don't care how young they are. I wont let my children go threw what I went threw in life. Wouldn't let them know that any jail time would be 100%easier worth the bully getting theirs
Sounds pretty bad, but im not gonna let some ****ty little kid ruin any of my kids life

This is one of my biggest fears, I don't currently have children, but I do want children, but I worry that they will go threw SA like I did

i know it's nice in theory to say what you'd do...but honestly, you can't exhibit that sort of behavior as a parent. you just cant.

First of all, you can't take it out on the other 9 year old who is doing the bullying. he is learning it from somewhere and taking it out of the other kids. He's a bully...but he's also just a little boy who isn't getting the guidance and care he needs to learn how to treat people.
Second, when you go into a situation like this with guns blazing and defenses high...chances of having the other parents shut down and tune you out become very high. you won't be heard because you will automatically put them on the defense...all they'll want to do is blame your child and protect their child even though their child is the bully.

You can't be soft...but you can't go in like gangbusters either.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

thanks weirdy...i will look into those movies. i appreciate the suggestions

funny you mention karate, his father says he wants to enroll him in karate to toughen him up.

If you're completely alright with it, let him teach him karate, but explictly state to your son that it is a last resort, only to be used when he's being physically hurt and nothing else has worked. Also, make sure your husband takes responsiblility for anything that can or may go wrong.

I'm so sorry about this, Violet, truly I am. Your son wants friends, right? Then, check around and see if there are any extracurricular groups around that he might be interested in. Everyone else's advice should do wonders for your son's mental strength, but, if it seems like nothing is changing, then maybe therapy could help.

 

[stevelee24]

dont be so quick to dismiss what his father is saying violet there is allot of truth in it, kids dont understand sensitivity or being compassionate what they do understand is if you call me that again il hurt you.
its sad but true in the school environment you need to stand up for yourself and beating the crap out of a bully or at least having a go would give your son more self-esteem and respect that practically anything else.
i know because i was going though exactly the same thing at 8 or 9 years old and one day i just thought enough is enough and always being tall for my age and strong i beat 3 bullys single handed my life changed after that moment. suddenly i was popular everyone wanted to be my friend and girls actually talked to me it was not what i wanted to do but i was forced in to it and have never had a fight since.

 

[¯\(º_o)/¯]

i know it's nice in theory to say what you'd do...but honestly, you can't exhibit that sort of behavior as a parent. you just cant.

First of all, you can't take it out on the other 9 year old who is doing the bullying. he is learning it from somewhere and taking it out of the other kids. He's a bully...but he's also just a little boy who isn't getting the guidance and care he needs to learn how to treat people.
Second, when you go into a situation like this with guns blazing and defenses high...chances of having the other parents shut down and tune you out become very high. you won't be heard because you will automatically put them on the defense...all they'll want to do is blame your child and protect their child even though their child is the bully.

You can't be soft...but you can't go in like gangbusters either.

One the biggest problems I have with the world these days, kids don't know the consequences of there actions. So you right that the kid isn't getting the guidance they need. But if they ain't getting it now it is very likely that they wont in the future. This is why you see parents getting killed over xbox or computers, because its considered child abuse to discipline your children. When I was young and did something wrong, I git my ass beat and never tried it again, now kids get sent to their rooms, big wool no harm in doing something bad so they keep doing it.

I will talk to the parent, if they wont discipline their child, I will for them
You may say you can't act that way as a parent but I most certainly can, ill will protect my child. Same with my neice that lives with me now, if she has bully problems id go about it the same way
I just hope it never comes to that, its more of a last resort

Im not a violent person you in any sorta way, but there are certain things I wont let happen. But kuddos to you for taking the different approach

 

[Agent_Violet]

dont be so quick to dismiss what his father is saying violet there is allot of truth in it, kids dont understand sensitivity or being compassionate what they do understand is if you call me that again il hurt you.
its sad but true in the school environment you need to stand up for yourself and beating the crap out of a bully or at least having a go would give your son more self-esteem and respect that practically anything else.
i know because i was going though exactly the same thing at 8 or 9 years old and one day i just thought enough is enough and always being tall for my age and strong i beat 3 bullys single handed my life changed after that moment. suddenly i was popular everyone wanted to be my friend and girls actually talked to me it was not what i wanted to do but i was forced in to it and have never had a fight since.

We tried it that way already. It did nothing for him.

 

[Mokkat]

enrolling him in a martial arts class would be good for him. At least, it will work if it is a proper martial arts class which focuses as much on inner peace and respect, as learning to defend oneself. Aka. tai chi would probably be better than more physical and resultbased stuff like wing chun or western boxing.

He would also benefit from having other male rolemodels in his life, other than his dad. And a chance to gain friends who are not related to school or the bully




Also - talking about or attempting suicide is not the same as suicide, but more a cry for help. The majority who attempt it are girls, but the ones who actually kill themselves are usually guys who stay silent about it. Your son is simply unhappy, and trust you enough to discuss the "easy way to fix it" he discovered

 

[Sartana]

I think karate would be really good for him. No matter what angle his dad tries to spin on it he'll be told the exact opposite in karate. I would probably go with a different course than karate personally, but all martial arts classes will teach the kids to only hurt others if you're attacked first, and even then only as much as is necessary for your own safety.

It'll also condition him in to getting used to getting hit if the class has sparring. Of course that sounds scary to a parent, but it really isn't. Beinig hit by a bully isn't what scares a kid, it's the threat of it. Once that is taken away it'll give him some more confidence.

 

[Dead_on_Arrival]

I am really sorry to here he is going through this at this age. I know how difficult it is having these thoughts at this age through my own experiences. However, your son has the one thing I never had, someone who understands him and his emotions.
You do need to tackle the issue at the source of the problem which is the bullying, and you are right that more pften than not it will be due to bad parenting on the other side. That said the school do have an obligation to protect your son and if they are not doing so they are answerable to the education board. Just keep in mind if things don't improve in school the school can be reported for failings.
I, like you, believe things like movies are rated for a reason and his father should take a lot of responsibility for his actions. My daughter does not get to see anything she is not old enough to see unless my wife or myself have seen it first and deemed it appropriate. Some things are beyond a childs comprehension.
Keep doing what you are doing by giving him all the love and guidance he needs and make him aware he should not be ashamed to talk about anything with you. The biggest thing is listening and reassurance.
I hope things imrove soon.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I think you should explain to him that movie is not real and not let him watch movies over g or pg....also moniter internet usage. The bully should be suspended or something.. hope that is what they do.. that's really mean i'm sorry you should also get him involved in activites outside of school like a drama club/department....? Make sure his schedule isn't just focused on school life (socially) so the problem isn't magnified..

 

[thor01]

Although I have no parenting experience hah. I would STRONGLY say. PLEASE just keep showing that you undersand, and give love and affection. And please ignore what the father says about that, and the needing to be tough stuff. I'm sure he will already be getting theright level of "tougness" needed anyway. If anything IMO following that would make it feel even worse for the boy and he might think about death more than before. He it sems to me is obviouly in touch with the righ brain/femmenine (which doesn't mean man/woman in this case) which is good.

I thnk its in a way good that he is thinking about these things. Not thinking about suicide for himself. But having the ability to wonder about these things as i shows he is in touch with himself as a spirit being rather than just what we can see. Of couse we DON'T want suicide though. But please tell teachers about it an do everything you can to stop the name calling. Even if it mans him not going into school if its that bad, till it stops. He is a human and that comes first before the school system. But just remember, IMO, no matter what the dad says, keep showing love and understanding. Children need it anyway. As all humans do. If a "masculine" energy dominated society says something else I think they're wrong. Also its about your son as an individual, not what the father feels is "best", going what by what other people migt think, or feels is his duty to make him be like hah. I feel that kind of attitude causes problems to the world in general.

If you don't agree that is fine! I am not tryin to tell you how to go about things. But this is what I would want if in his positon (which I have felt similar to at points).