9yrs old and he wants to die.

hippiechild

hippiechild

Well-known member
He's 9 years old... who cares if he's manipulating you (whatever that would even mean at that age)

If he's not, then there's something that needs to be treated, the problem as he's presented it.

If he is, then there's a reason for him feeling compelled to do that, and your unconditional love and trust might be just what he is attempting to verify. There's another fairly major problem that is only being presented under a different guise.

He's 9, not a felon.
 
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Agent_Violet

Well-known member
hippiechild said:
He's 9 years old... who cares if he's manipulating you (whatever that would even mean at that age)

If he's not, then there's something that needs to be treated, the problem as he's presented it.

If he is, then there's a reason for him feeling compelled to do that, and your unconditional love and trust might be just what he is attempting to verify. There's another fairly major problem that is only being presented under a different guise.

He's 9, not a felon.
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thank you. this is exactly what I've been trying to tell his father.

some people just don't get it ya know?
 
Dead_on_Arrival

Dead_on_Arrival

Well-known member
I am relieved to hear that he is OK. It sounds like he will probably become friends with the other kid if he contiues to show him a sympathetic ear (He's beginning to behave more like his mother, thats you rubbing off on him).
 
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Agent_Violet

Well-known member
Dead_on_Arrival said:
I am relieved to hear that he is OK. It sounds like he will probably become friends with the other kid if he contiues to show him a sympathetic ear (He's beginning to behave more like his mother, thats you rubbing off on him).
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thanks DoA...unfortunately, according to most this is a bad thing. I'm supposed to teach him to be the alpha male and chest pounding 101.

i think it's healthy to have a good mix between the two so hopefully I'll be able to give him that.
 
Dead_on_Arrival

Dead_on_Arrival

Well-known member
Agent_Violet said:
thanks DoA...unfortunately, according to most this is a bad thing. I'm supposed to teach him to be the alpha male and chest pounding 101.

i think it's healthy to have a good mix between the two so hopefully I'll be able to give him that.
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A strong male is not defined by the amount of people he can dominate nor how much he can puff out his chest unless it is in the animal kingdom. As humans we have developed beyond the necessity of being macho and masculine to vie for the attentions of the opposite sex which is what being the alpha male is all about. Modern man has proved he can be the kind sensative type but who in times of need can be the strong protective type. I think you show both of these traits which is why it is no great shame to say he is like his mother.:)
 
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former-agoraphobic

Banned
Bullying never ends. Believe me I've been the oppressor for 3 years straight, verbal only.

Not anything that would push the victim to suicide but a calmer, wittier approach :D

No method works. Ignoring makes the oppressor attack for attention. Fighting back gives him more reason and material to throw at his victim.

The only solution is to move the kid to a different class / school or somehow get that brat expelled if things get spicy. Yeah, ask your kid how he feels about moving to another school? This small salvation island of hope sometimes helps fight the stress until a better solution is found.
 
theslowesthand

theslowesthand

Banned
former-agoraphobic said:
Bullying never ends.
No method works. Ignoring makes the oppressor attack for attention. Fighting back gives him more reason and material to throw at his victim.
The only solution is to move the kid to a different class/school or somehow get that brat expelled
Click to expand...
I think ESCAPE is the EASIEST solution.
But NOT REACTING is the BEST solution.

Sad: Ignoring (but still reacting, which bullies detect). Escaping situation.
Mad: Fighting back.
Glad: Not reacting (by a "deep acceptance" of all that happens - not accepting as "okay", but simply accepting of things as they are (a "spiritual" kind of concept, maybe a bit beyond a 9-yr-old boy's capabilities?), which means no "fighting" (frustration/anger), just a "peaceful acceptance")

Flight: Escaping situation
Fight: Fighting back
Neither: See "Glad" above
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
Agent Violet, good to hear the meeting went well!! :)

I think it's good to keep an eye on the situation, and keep in contact with the kid and the parents and teachers etc on this... Maybe the teachers and the school can also have some sort of anti-bullying program or workshops/classes or such? There are books, websites and programs/materials on this... (some may work better than others) A teacher can stop a lot of things with his/her attitude, and school staff can help too - even eg janitors or cleaning ladies or cooks...
Do they have a mediation program? Could they start it? (With help of a good outside support organisation maybe?)

Former-a., bullying and bullies can be different, it can be temporary or long-term, it depends...
Just moving a kid to another class if he did nothing wrong can be interpreted as 'great injustice' too!!
This kinda happened to me, and I hated it - losing contact with previous classmates...

Ignoring can work on SOME people and in SOME circumstances... Different things can work... I've seen a kiddie who went from 'quiet' to 'slightly rebellious', and won respect of a bully this way (?) (Don't recommend that as it could drive teachers crazy)

Violet, a kid can feel as if having 'no friends' while teachers can see him as 'having friends' (eg being friendly or playing with others)... It depends what is understood by that definition.. You could ask your little man what he understands as 'real friends' and friendship etc. What do real friends do, how do they behave...? If he's 'deep' he may have a different definition of friendship than any other kids or even some teachers!!

As a young teen, I felt I had 'acquaintances' in school, or people who did not really 'get me' - they weren't interested in the same things I was, they sometimes teased me (in a friendly way, but sometimes it was annoying), they weren't really understanding or people I could 'talk' to about meaningful and important things or negative feelings, in high school one of them just talked about boys and nothing else really, and it could get boring...

It was really great to have international pen-friends though :) Maybe your kid could have some pen-friends too? (Now or later on?) There are some sites that are monitored and safer for kids, and sometimes parents and kids can write letters together, or you could monitor his letters and friends maybe? Just an idea.. (I got my first pen-friends when I was in primary school, maybe I was 12 or 13 or so...)

I think assertiveness class, drama/theatre group and/or martial arts (where you'd question/observe the teacher about his views and philosophies first! and/or get references/recommendations from other parents) could be great... Maybe even music school or something else, where he could get to know friendly people, depending on his interests...

Coyote and some others said it well, you can be both strong and caring, assertiveness is that great 'middle ground' between aggression or 'doormattiness' or 'passive aggression'... (I'm still learning it myself, often!) It's not easy, it's something to strive for!

I take any suicide thoughts seriously, you never know, it's better to 'overreact' (and embarass the heck out of someone maybe) and show you're listening, and possibly help make a change in someone's life... There are websites that can help with advice on how to communicate with someone who might be suicidal...

I hope the bully kid also got or will get some help/counselling, he and his parents need to be told bullying is a BIG problem for the bully too, many can end up in jail or such... surely they wouldn't want that for their kid? There are anti-violence programs and support groups in some communities too, check what might be available locally...

From my experience, some kids also played together even if one 'bullied' another, sometimes there was still mutual admiration and maybe even friendship.. Kids can quarrel and then become 'friends' again... (not always, sometimes they do) Both need to learn better ways of communication and behavior... Maybe the bully needs to join a sports club and let off some steam there?? (Hopefully something cooperative!!)

Oh, tai chi is not really a martial art, it's more of a relaxation exercise, not really helpful in 'real life' for fight that much I think, it can be good for health though.. Good martial arts instructor will tell that fight is a 'last resource' type of thing...

Wishing good luck to you and the kiddie/s!! :)
 
G

gaddie

Member
My word, whatever you do, don't take your childs claims of wanting to commit suicide as just being silly, for if he actually did, you will never be able to forgive yourself. Anyone saying that they are going to kill themselves ought to be taken seriously, adult or child (unless they have a repeated history of making such threats out of manipulation and as your child is 9, I imagine he doesn't fall into this catergory).

First things first, I would consider taking your sons bullying issue to the school, report what is going on and keep nagging until it is resolved. If need be, keep your son out of school until something is done. I would also consider taking your son to a doctor or psychiatrist for thearpy. There is no shame in thearpy and it seems that it might do him good to get some stuff off his chest.

Finally, in regards to his father (I am assuming he is your ex) don't listen to what he is saying. Some very ignorant people do tend to assume that being bullied is just a personality conflict and to report it as bullying (not toughen up) is a sign of a wimp. No offense but his father sounds like a moron, and no doubt has probably being bullied himself several times but is too thick to realise that he was (is).

The difference between personality conflict and bullying is that bullying is:
1) A personality conflict is an argument between 2 personalities, which ceases when one personality surrenders or gives in. Bullying is a hate campaign led by one onto another which carries on.
2) Personality conflicts is conflict where both sides fight each other equally. Bullying is a cowardly approach where a bully uses both overt and covert methods to attack another person, without that person even initiating a fight.

Hope some this is of use and good luck.
Alex
Autor of Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying
 
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AGR

Well-known member
please dont put your son in tai chi or wing chun and generaly not kung fu or karate,there are some exeptions for the last two though,unless you like throwing your money in the ****hole,I think american schools teach wrestling?
That would be a great way to start.
 
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F

Feathers

Well-known member
Hey Abertos, why don't you like tai chi or wing chun/kung fu or karate?
My sis and I found them kinda helpful, though karate can be hard on the knees, especially if you're not doing things proper...
Or did you mean just money-wise? In that case it's probably good to explore free resources first, yeah.. Schools in my country don't teach wrestling, and not everyone may have a 'personality' or wish for wrestling either :)
Basically any sports can be good for confidence and getting friends, especially if he likes it and is half good at it, ideally...
 
Insane1

Insane1

Well-known member
Well.. you're a mother and you prolly know more than I do. But I'm just going to say,this is a job for the kid's father aka your husband.. he needs to teach the kid how to deal with bullys. My mother tried to protect me from bullys,did it helped? Hell no.. right now I'm weak and sensitive,there's a cold world out there,the kid needs to learn how to fight and stand up for himself. Don't go telling the teachers,don't talk with the kid that's bullying your son,that's useless.. your son won't be able to run from confrontation for the rest of his life. Tell your husband to stop calling him a wimp because the kid needs confidence,also tell him to start teaching him how to fight or send him to some karate lessons .. buy two 1kg or 2kg dumbbells and tell him to use them twice a week. I don't know how strong is a 9 year old kid,sadly I didn't had no dumbbells when I was 9.. but he should do like 10 repetitions with them,and as many sets as he can in 30 minutes. If he can do 10 repetitions easely then tell him to do untill the muscle fails,then take a 1-2 minute break,then repeat again and again.. but no more than 30 minutes. Most people around here prolly won't agree with me...
 
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