I Need to Vent (Please Take No Offense SPW People)

Xervello said:

There's two kinds of people, there's the narcissists (I don't care if other people are doing worse -----> I <----- feel bad) and the empaths (gee, I feel really guilty for dwelling on my problems when others are suffering worse off than me). I at least sympathize for the empaths. Not the narcissists.

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As my time as a moderator here, I've found there's far more types than that.

Psychopaths, histrionics, passive aggressives, emotional manipulators, trolls, scammers, oh and last of all Armchair psychiatrists.

It is all to be expected of from a mental health support site.

Even with all my experience of this, I'd still be cautious to put anyone into a little box. I find the people here far more complex than that.

Remus said:

As my time as a moderator here, I've found there's far more types than that.

Psychopaths, histrionics, passive aggressives, emotional manipulators, trolls, scammers, oh and last of all Armchair psychiatrists.

It is all to be expected of from a mental health support site.

Even with all my experience of this, I'd still be cautious to put anyone into a little box. I find the people here far more complex than that.

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I agree with that. :thumbup:

For me, i actually do find stories like that make me feel a little better about my circumstances. Sucky or not, its helped me to learn not to sweat the per se small stuff.

That said each persons "small stuff" varies and isnt the same as anyone elses.

Whenever somthing crappy happens, i step back, and ask myself if this is recoverable or not. Even if not, i try to think about what life would be like if i lived in some war torn country somewhere, and try to take inventory of what i DO have. True, my issues are inward and emotional, ect. But thinking out of my box does tend to help me, as do stories like this....

Not exactly sure where i was going with all that, but just wanted to say.

A person's perspective is limited to what they have experienced in the past. While I sympathize with the girl you've described, it's little more than a reference point for people that don't know this girl. A reference to a life most won't understand unless they themselves had similar experiences to compare it to.

For example;

Imagine a person that is born in space and has never experienced gravity in his/her life. Now, when he gets a E-mail from his/her pen pal from Earth, and the pen pal complains about keeping tripping, and falling- over stuff. It would be near impossible for the space-child to sympathize with it because he/she hasn't experienced enough within that subject to actively care. He/she might understand that it's annoying and show sympathy for their discomfort, but they can't emulate- and therefore understand, the experience on a first person level.

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The same thing occurs when you relay this girl's (or any one else's) horrible experiences to others. While people understand that it must have been horrible, they're not able to actively emulate her experiences enough to apply them to their own life to such an extend that it changes their own perspective. A perspective, may I add, that could very well be generated by horrible experiences of a different kind. Horrible experiences are often food for sympathy because of the implied emotional turmoil. Who's to say another person didn't suffer because of something else, that you and I might consider harmless? Looks can be deceiving.

My advice to you would be that if you get too frustrated with people and their mentality here, take a break from the site. Because as valuable and perhaps necessary as a grateful perspective is for the people here, unless they learn and understand it for themselves, it won't do them any good. It's a discovery they need to make for themselves, in their own way, in their own time, and when they're ready for it.

There are two quotes which spring to mind when I read this thread.

the first "I used to worry about having no shoes until I met the man with no feet."

the second "don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes".

i think they both apply in this case. you're 100% correct in hoping that this story will help us to realise we are worst off than other people, and sometimes we forget that, and we tend to believe that only us as individuals suffer. we all make that mistake, and i hope the story you related will help us to think twice.

i don't really know if this is the point of why you posted this thread but if it's to tell people "i know someone who's worst off than you, so how can you even find reason to complain?" then that's completely wrong. again, i don't know of your intention when making the post, but since you hoped and stated that people shouldn't take offense to your post, it seems as if you expected people would feel a bit aggrieved if you minimized their problems. this is where the second quote comes in. on the surface you're right, most of us are not as unfortunate as this poor girl, but until you know what we all go through on a personal level there's no real way of equating the difficulties we go through, and to make a direct comparison is virtually impossible.

I understand you have good intentions with your post. But you don't know about anyone here. Some could have gotten through the same for all you know.

I personally do the "others have it worse", I think, then realize that I'd rather be what I am than be like the other who's a lot more troubled. I'm grateful for the things I have as well, it makes me feel better.

However, that doesn't really cure me. There are times when I wish I could be less troubled, not only for me but for others. I sometimes want to feel a little happier instead of waking up with a grey cloud over my head. I get tired of being reclusive, of losing control, of worrying more than I should, of feeling fatigued every day for no reason. I used to consider taking my own life as a desperate measure, because I was really tired of feeling like this CONSTANTLY, without a break.

I'm not saying this to fish for pity, I'm saying it so maybe you'd understand why it's not so easy to get out of the hole.

the reason so many of us feel bad is precisely because we DO know (or feel) that there are so many people that have been able to overcome much worse adversity than we have - the question that plagues us is "why can't we?"

pointing out to us that there are others who are worse off and able to make something of their lives doesn't make us feel any better about ourselves - it makes us feel worse, because we can't seem to do it

BlackPuma said:

The same thing occurs when you relay this girl's (or any one else's) horrible experiences to others. While people understand that it must have been horrible, they're not able to actively emulate her experiences enough to apply them to their own life to such an extend that it changes their own perspective.

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This is very good insight.

Xervello; said:

There's two kinds of people, there's the narcissists (I don't care if other people are doing worse -----> I <----- feel bad) and the empaths (gee, I feel really guilty for dwelling on my problems when others are suffering worse off than me). I at least sympathize for the empaths. Not the narcissists.

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I wouldn’t want someone who is “better off” then I am to feel guilty or bad about his or herself because of my life situation.

Like everybody on here, you have the right to vent and don't worry, I'm not offended.

The Internet is the probably only place where I can vent my worries, frustrations, and anxiety issues. The good thing about SPW is that I can do so without getting judged. In real life, I don't think I can vent my problems to other people. My parents won't understand, my brother doesn't talk (he has selective mutism, and I don't like typing with him), I also don't want to burden my friends with my problems because I know they have jobs and are busy. I can't keep my emotions bottled up inside because once I do that, I know I will explode later on. So what do I do? I vent on SPW.

So, people don't just vent their issues out because they're narcissists. They just needed someone to listen to, and the venting gets their emotions off their chest and makes them feel better.

Xervello said:

This forum is about personal stories. Not a narcissist? You've taken a thread about someone else and made it all about you. What does that tell ya.

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Again with the narcissism stuff? If you haven't already, I'd suggest reading an article about Narcissistic Personality Disorder from a reputable mental health/medical source. You're throwing the term around like it simply means "self-centered" and it does not. A narcissist is much more than that.

Are people here sometimes focused on their problems to the extent that it's all they think about? Yeah. Depression does that to you.

If you don't like this site, why are you on it, preaching to everyone about how selfish they are? What do you expect them to do? People with social anxiety tend to have depression, and it's hard to see positive things when you feel like that. It's not a matter of realizing all you're grateful for and then everything's better. A lot of us here have obsessive thinking, where simply willing away negative thoughts does NOT work. If you don't struggle with that, it's hard to comprehend it. If you do, I can't see why you'd be saying what you're saying.

Look into relative happiness/unhappiness.

>Grateful.

Okay...

>Living in a (pardon the expression) crapsack city that's both abandoned and dead due the whole war thingy that's so popular these days, having to constantly check websites to know which parts of the city avoid or outright dont leave home that day, crime at every corner, witnessing gunfights and witnessing people corpses hanging from bridges, limbs and heads thrown around the city (ew), having to rush back home when the sun starts to set, worried you'll be caught in a fight between military and criminals, where even "innocent children" will murder you, cut your fingers off, torture you for money that authorities have to respond like if the child criminal was an adult. Where you can't coun't on ANYONE who isn't the army in person, or horrible things will happen.

I'm sorry, when I was 15 I might've agreed with you, but these days I realize you can only count on 3: You, Yourself, and Your Being. While in this forum I'm glad we can count on each other and share our problems, one shouldn't say "hey, X-Person is having it worse". Because you're not X-Person. You're you. You can feel empathy for X-Person, or pity even. Try to help him. But one's own problem's are one's to deal with directly.

Maybe because this country made me loose hope on most people, that I realized the bad way one had to keep some ego and self-love and self-respect because no one else will care as much as you do for yourself.

Such are my thoughts on this matter. I meant no offence, but if this topic is being touched, I am willing to speak my mind

[/rant]


... *Siiigh* Cue self-guilt.

@klonoa, I'm so sorry for your everyday struggles.

Jewel said:

@klonoa, I'm so sorry for your everyday struggles.

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I'm sorry for the rant... Is just something about the thread touched a nerve. I can't compare myself to others cause, sadly, as an adult male in Mexico, I have to take care of myself and if one tries to show some condolescence or mercy, they'll step on you.

Which is sad, really...

@Xervello

I have an idea that you intended this thread to be inspirational ...but it hasn't really come across that way, maybe you miscommunicated your message to the forum? It is quite honestly one of the most insulting threads I've seen.

I have had rants on here about the level of defeatist negativity so I think I can see what you were trying to get at. However It's one thing to encourage people to be pro-active and help themselves out, it's quite another to try shame them for expressing negative emotions. You lack understanding and experience or something, maybe both and definitely tact. There are people who suffer from depression on this forum and depression isn't feeling sad or negative emotions. It is a chemical imbalance of the brain and as such can only be rectified by rectifying the chemical imbalance of the brain. It does not matter what happens in their life, they suffer a medical condition which requires medical treatment. No amount of talking is going to make a depressed person feel better.


As for your friend, the girl you describe in your story. That is absolutely terrible that she has suffered these tragedies in her life. You assume she gets on with it and she's over it. But I very much doubt she is. There is a process called 'survival mode' which people commonly default to after traumatic events, Im not a doctor so I can't say anything on the matter. But as a person, I very much doubt your friend is fine after her difficult childhood, in my opinion, if not already, in years to come it will likely resurface, it is likely, nay, probable that your friend is in survival mode.


Lastly, I'd definitely encourage you to be a little less quick to pass judgement.

He didn't mean it like that offcourse, but it was quite naive to think people don't realize themselves how lucky we are in Some areas. We don't need someone to tell us that, cause then you give the impression that we're overreacting and that we're just making a fuss about nothing.

I haven't read all the replies,but they seem generally wise and insightful,like usually.As for the girl,there are many people like this,even on this site.Sometimes you can't see what they went through because it doesn't show.Btw in what is the girl strong,she survived it because she had to,and came out of it with damages tone major thing is that she obviously isn't shy,that means she has plenty room to play and even if her situation isn't easy,only the fact that she can make friends with people easily or get any men she wants to help incredibly,it's something what ppl with social phobia can only dream of. Also,she has the genes of her parents,which again means she is not shy and perhaps stronger in some way,and suited for the lifestyle she has.

Is it bad for me to think that "it could be worse" just to feel better about my current situation? Or does it mean that I'm fooling myself?

Hellhound said:

Is it bad for me to think that "it could be worse" just to feel better about my current situation? Or does it mean that I'm fooling myself?

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Nah, I think we all here had something happen, and we all thought "ahh well, could be worse". Especially if one expected it to be worse.

Hellhound said:

Is it bad for me to think that "it could be worse" just to feel better about my current situation? Or does it mean that I'm fooling myself?

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If.. let's say.. the universe were to implode, that would be considerably worse than the struggles of every day life. So no, I wouldn't say you're fooling yourself.

I guess what bugs me most about this post is the sharp division that is being created. Either you're shamed into feeling guilty or you don't and you're a narcissist. It's not that black or white.
Also I think narcissism definitely isn't the right word to use here. Self-involved, maybe, but I doubt people here lack empathy. Most may have too much of it, hence the anxiety and everything? People have to find their own perspective instead of it being forced upon them through this story. Maybe the post was written with the best intentions, but it certainly didn't come out like that. I think most of us will have heard the 'but other people have it worse!' comment and it just doesn't help (me anyway).