theslowesthand
Banned
Beyond boredom :sad:
The hours of boredom have morphed into sth else entirely.
The hours of boredom have morphed into sth else entirely.
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How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
I feel good, but this bag of Hershey Kisses is in for a looooooong night.
defiance
Well-known member
A simple phone call that I had to make today made me panic and start shaking. A SIMPLE PHONE CALL was all it took to scare the s**t out of me. Although this is not the first time this had happened, I was hoping that I would be over this stuff as repetition is supposed to make these things easier. Nothing gets easier for me with repetition. All this stress will give me a heart attack one of these days. Maybe I don't need to think about ending it because at this rate my body will just shut down itself. My mind can't handle anything without going into hardcore panic mode. 2017...oh yeah we are off to a great start alright.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
I also fear I'll have a heart attack one day, because of stress as well. As well as the anger I have suppress everytime my family feel the need to the dictate how my life should be. :kickingmyself:
defiance
Well-known member
I am in for a s**t storm today. My depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are through the roof today. I don't know what caused it to be honest. Send some positive thoughts my way people I am in for a hell of a battle today. Can't stop thinking about hanging myself or jumping off of a tall building. S**T MAN WHAT DID I DO WRONG IN MY LIFE TO DESERVE SUCH A CRUEL PUNISHMENT.:crying:
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Hope your day goes well. Sorry that yer feeling so shitty, like. That's no great to hear. Good luck, anyway. :thumbup:
I wonder this about myself, as far as my disability goes. :sad:
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Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
GraybeardGhost
Well-known member
I had a few good days there after dodging my unwanted visit to courthouse hell, but now the clouds have rolled back in, and I'm having those dark, self-destructive thoughts again. I think it's partly because my diet has gone to crap since I haven't been to the grocery store in almost three months and I'm pretty much living on pizza and other delivery junk food. That kind of thing is okay for a while when you're in you twenties, but damn, that was a long time ago for me, and if I keep going like this, I won't keep going much longer.
There's a huge supermarket practically across the street from me, but I'm not in good enough shape to hoof there and back with a full load of groceries anymore. I can't drive over because my car is futzed, perhaps for good, and the next place it goes absolutely has to be a mechanic's shop, if it will even make it there. Even with transportation, I'd find it hard to go. I've been in seclusion far too long this time, and my apprehension at the thought of being out among the masses is unusually strong.
I've been wrestling with the idea of hiring someone to do a bit of shopping for me, but even that is a dubious proposition. Whom do I get, and how do I pay them? I'm short on folding money at the moment, and I don't believe too many people would be eager to take a personal check from a complete stranger, especially to cover goods already purchased out of pocket. I know I wouldn't. Then there's that people thing again. It's one thing to order a pizza and open the door to someone for a minute or less, quite another to engage in a prolonged back-and-forth over sacks and sacks of food and trying to convince them my check won't bounce.
Also, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to break down the giant wall of fear that has for so long kept me from going to a doctor. Things are wrong with me, possibly very wrong, and it's getting harder and harder to deny the fact, but jeebus, the quacks scare the shit out of me. They really do. I'm not sure I can face the humiliation of going there. I know I'm a human garbage dump, but damn it, I don't want to hear it from anybody else. I have shame enough already; I don't need more.
So what do I do? Get the car fixed first so I can then attend to the other stuff more easily? I'm pretty anxious about that, too. Seems to me a man of my age ought to be able to deal with things like that promptly and with aplomb, but I haven't. The old crate's just been sitting out there since early November when it started acting up. I've thought about what to do, and I have a good idea where to take it, but I haven't been able to force myself to go. I've looked into using Uber or Lyft to get around temporarily (maybe good for doctors, but none too practical for groceries) but even that's virgin turf for me and extremely unnerving.
I guess all that's to say I'm feeling stuck, walled in on every side. Gotta go out, but I can't leave the house. Gotta eat better, but I can't get the grub. Gotta go here, gotta go there, but I got no way to go anywhere. I hardly sleep at night anymore, just lie awake thinking about all this stuff—how to deal with it, how to avoid it, how to end it once and for all. Dark room, dark thoughts, for hours and hours, all night long.
There's a huge supermarket practically across the street from me, but I'm not in good enough shape to hoof there and back with a full load of groceries anymore. I can't drive over because my car is futzed, perhaps for good, and the next place it goes absolutely has to be a mechanic's shop, if it will even make it there. Even with transportation, I'd find it hard to go. I've been in seclusion far too long this time, and my apprehension at the thought of being out among the masses is unusually strong.
I've been wrestling with the idea of hiring someone to do a bit of shopping for me, but even that is a dubious proposition. Whom do I get, and how do I pay them? I'm short on folding money at the moment, and I don't believe too many people would be eager to take a personal check from a complete stranger, especially to cover goods already purchased out of pocket. I know I wouldn't. Then there's that people thing again. It's one thing to order a pizza and open the door to someone for a minute or less, quite another to engage in a prolonged back-and-forth over sacks and sacks of food and trying to convince them my check won't bounce.
Also, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to break down the giant wall of fear that has for so long kept me from going to a doctor. Things are wrong with me, possibly very wrong, and it's getting harder and harder to deny the fact, but jeebus, the quacks scare the shit out of me. They really do. I'm not sure I can face the humiliation of going there. I know I'm a human garbage dump, but damn it, I don't want to hear it from anybody else. I have shame enough already; I don't need more.
So what do I do? Get the car fixed first so I can then attend to the other stuff more easily? I'm pretty anxious about that, too. Seems to me a man of my age ought to be able to deal with things like that promptly and with aplomb, but I haven't. The old crate's just been sitting out there since early November when it started acting up. I've thought about what to do, and I have a good idea where to take it, but I haven't been able to force myself to go. I've looked into using Uber or Lyft to get around temporarily (maybe good for doctors, but none too practical for groceries) but even that's virgin turf for me and extremely unnerving.
I guess all that's to say I'm feeling stuck, walled in on every side. Gotta go out, but I can't leave the house. Gotta eat better, but I can't get the grub. Gotta go here, gotta go there, but I got no way to go anywhere. I hardly sleep at night anymore, just lie awake thinking about all this stuff—how to deal with it, how to avoid it, how to end it once and for all. Dark room, dark thoughts, for hours and hours, all night long.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Who give a f**k? Like really, who? Between me being told I'm always wrong, for some reason. To being told that I, apparently, know better than those around me. :idontknow:
Confused to say the least. Frustratingly angry at best. :kickingmyself: Just wish ah wus deid! Dead and free of this constant feeling of being held back and the weight of responsibility always being on my shoulders. By which I mean, having to care for myself, as well as my mum.
Not an easy task when yer disabled. :sad:
Confused to say the least.
Frustratingly angry at best. :kickingmyself: Just wish ah wus deid! Dead and free of this constant feeling of being held back and the weight of responsibility always being on my shoulders. By which I mean, having to care for myself, as well as my mum.Not an easy task when yer disabled. :sad:
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theslowesthand
Banned
Hot day. Drenched in sweat. "Lost my cool" not long ago.
theslowesthand
Banned
On bad days such as today, it's hard to stop trying to feel better, even though i know it's most likely a futile/pointless exercise. Damn, it's hard to give up hope, man!!!
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
What's the point? Naebuddy cares, anyway... :sad:
Life's no gittin any better, or easier, for me. Not that I'd want things to be easy.
Though, it'd be nice be able verbally articulate a thought, an idea, or even a whole sentence; without a certain member o' my family cutting in and interrupt me when I've barely uttered a word. As well as having my perspective, as disabled man, invalidated; simply because it doesnae conform to my family's way of thinking. Therefore, it's not worth acknowledging. :kickingmyself:
Life's no gittin any better, or easier, for me. Not that I'd want things to be easy.
Though, it'd be nice be able verbally articulate a thought, an idea, or even a whole sentence; without a certain member o' my family cutting in and interrupt me when I've barely uttered a word. As well as having my perspective, as disabled man, invalidated; simply because it doesnae conform to my family's way of thinking. Therefore, it's not worth acknowledging. :kickingmyself:
mantishugo
Well-known member
Your suggestion is cool. I will try spending some time alone cycling in the evening. Cycling is my favorite thing which I love doing ever since I was a kid. Thank you for your reply. I have already started feeling better now.
theslowesthand
Banned
B*st*rd life. Ya piece of f*ck**g sh*te. Don't mind me, i'm having a cr*p day, that's all.
Is this down to you, waxing fool moon??? :idontknow:
Now, how many of them pills have i got hoarded now? :thinking: hehe
Hmm, i wonder if PMS is like this? Nah, surely not, it couldn't be this bad :thinking:
Is this down to you, waxing fool moon??? :idontknow:
Now, how many of them pills have i got hoarded now? :thinking: hehe
Hmm, i wonder if PMS is like this? Nah, surely not, it couldn't be this bad :thinking:
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theslowesthand
Banned
This is from about 1/2hr ago, but is still valid:
F*CK my heart, F*CK my emotional needs, F*CK my social needs, F*CK my mammalian needs
F*CK my heart, F*CK my emotional needs, F*CK my social needs, F*CK my mammalian needs
theslowesthand
Banned
Regularly, my dear fellows, does thy dip down into the "f*ck-lands"
theslowesthand
Banned
What a COMPLETE F*CK-UP of a life i've had. I'm "munted". What a loser. :thumbdown:
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Your suggestion is cool. I will try spending some time alone cycling in the evening. Cycling is my favorite thing which I love doing ever since I was a kid. Thank you for your reply. I have already started feeling better now.
No problem. Glad to hear that you're starting to feel better. :thumbup:
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Pissed off that my family feels so f**kin' entitled that they think they can take things from me, and I'm just expected to let 'em. Since they hate not getting their way.
Yet, I'm not allowed to do what I want without asking their permission... Pathetic! :kickingmyself:
Yet, I'm not allowed to do what I want without asking their permission... Pathetic! :kickingmyself: